Most Everybody, at One Time or Another, Has Lied
Tell the truth now: that includes you and me. In fact, some people, sad to say, lie almost all the time.
Psychologists call these people compulsive or psychopathic liars. They tell lies even when they don't have to. Even the youngest of children will lie, especially if they think by doing it, they won't get punished for something. When children first learn how lying works, they lack the moral understanding of when to refrain from doing it.
Because lying can have such destructive and harmful consequences to both the liar and the one being lied to, I've written several blogs on this topic.
There are different kinds of lies, as well as different degrees of lying. It seems so many people I talk to have a problem with lying whether it's their own, or someone else's.
While maybe everybody lies at some point, few understand how destructive it can be, why we do it, and how to stop it. So, let's answer those questions.
Let's begin by defining what lying is:
Lying is saying something with the intent of creating a false belief or impression. It's an attempt to get someone to believe something that is not true.
Lying - Self Evaluation
- How many lies do you think you have told this last week?
- Who did you tell the lies to?
- Why did you tell the lies?
- How do you feel about the lies you told now?
Sometimes a lie might seem unintentional, or it may have been told to save someone else's feelings. For example, someone may say to another, "That sure is a pretty dress!", when the person knows it's ugly. We all have the capacity to lie.
Why Do People Lie?
FEAR
It was Tad Williams who said, "We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger." People can be so afraid of what might happen if they told the truth. Maybe they have done something wrong and are afraid of the consequences of their actions, so they lie to cover up what they did. As is often said about political scandals: It's not the crime that gets you in trouble, nearly as much as the cover-up.
MANIPULATION
Lies are typically motivated by a desire to get other people to either do something or not do something, or to make a decision in the favor of the person doing the lying. Someone might lie to get something they desire such as sex, money, status, power, love, etc. Lori said: "I'm young, but I realized quickly lustful people know how to get what they want, even if it means lying to you about how they feel." Probably the word love is used in more lives than any other. How often a guy will say to a girl (or vice versa), "I love you", simply to get the other person emotionally stirred up, so they can be more easily manipulated.
PRIDE
Many times, a person will lie because of pride. They use it for nothing more than a tool to create a favorable image of themselves. This leads to exaggeration, which is a form of lying. Often people will create fascinating, yet completely false, stories to improve their image.
Bottom line: We deceive other people because we think it serves our purposes in some way. And it's easy!
What's the Big Deal About Lying?
It becomes an addiction.
When you get away with a lie it often drives you to continue your deceptions, and in the process, we ruin relationships, hurt others, lose our integrity, and lose our peace. Truth becomes a feared enemy of the liar. It's a sick and tragic cycle that doesn't ever have a happy ending.
Lying may seem simple and harmless at first, but just like any addiction, you'll soon find yourself trapped and entangled more than you could have ever imagined.
Liars don't have peace
Lying is extremely stressful. It causes you to be constantly looking over your shoulder and wondering who might be finding you out. You're always running through the lies you've told in your head, trying to keep track of what you've told to which person, and what's the next lie you need to tell. When you're honest, you don't have those worries or the negative consequences of your lies.
Roselyn commented: "I can say that not lying is a very relaxing way of life." The fact that you don't have to worry about remembering old lies or getting in trouble later on when the truth comes out (because it always does) puts a lot more relief in your life. Even when it's hard, telling the truth always has a better outcome than a bunch of lies.
Lies ruin relationships
People are constantly looking to see who they can trust and who they can't. People are actually much more perceptive and aware of who tells the truth and who doesn't. Over time, honesty shows itself as a trait that is beautiful and deeply respected. Liars are not respected.
This is true in all our relationships whether it's dating, family, friends, or at work. Macey put it so well: "It's always best, to be honest. It makes any and every relationship strong and healthy."
Someone commented about the value of being honest: "I used to lie a lot. I would lie only because it was easier than explaining the truth. And I have finally grown to realize that it's easier to [be honest]. Being honest and open has actually gotten me further than lying. My parents trust me, and I feel good about myself. And when you feel good about yourself then you know that everything is okay." This person has come to realize that when we tell the truth and live it, we become emotionally and spiritually stronger every day.
Telling the Truth Increases Security
It stands to reason that if you are not always working to stay one lie ahead of your last lie, you will be more at peace and have greater security in your relationships with others. The wisest man in the Bible, King Solomon, understood this well. He wrote, "Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but he who makes his ways crooked will be found out." Proverbs 10:9
God speaks of the dangers of lying often in the Bible. In fact, "Do not lie" is one of the 10 Commandments. God understands how much pain lying brings to both the liar and those being lied to and so He tells us not to lie in order to protect us from pain. The Bible also says, "For all that is secret will eventually be brought into the open, and everything that is concealed will be brought to light and made known to all." Luke 8:17
Here is more of what God says about lying - Verses of Hope for Struggling with Lying
Following God can offer so much security in many aspects of life. For more on a relationship with God read Learn More About God
Honesty Challenge
I want to offer up a challenge to all of us. Would you be willing to commit to a life of honesty and integrity? If you're up for this life-changing challenge, please write me a comment below, and tell a friend about your commitment too.
Has lying become a part of your everyday life? Need more help? Listen to Dawson's Podcast, How Can I Stop Lying - EP -19.
Hi, I'm jana... I'm 15 years old with An addiction to lying. It has taken over my life. I had lied to so many people, I only have two best friends in this world, other than my family of course... Anyways here are some stories of my lies.. My first memory of a lie is when I was in the first grade, I lied about having dogs and puppies for who knows why. When I was in second grade, I began to get bullied.. I have German and French roots so body hair is in my blood.. Some boy at school approached me and looked down at my arms and said 'why are you so hairy? Girls aren't supposed to have hair'. That has scared me for such a long time... In third grade I lied about a boy, then he came to our school and everyone found out I was a liar.. That's when my reputation began to grow.. In fourth grade I lied about my family and us being rich... When in reality, we were loosing our house to the bank and my dad had just lost his job. In fifth grade, I lied about having some long lost twin sister and my 'real dad' who had been in a car crash. In sixth grade, I lied about homework and being 'smart' and I would pretend I was always better than everyone. In seventh grade, I lied about all these boys and about what people said to me to start drama. But little did I know the drama was just starting... in eighth grade, I found out our family was moving 600 miles away to just south of Los Angeles... I was devastated and I tried to drink bleach because I didn't want to leave home... My parents found my journal when they were packing and saw the stuff I would right about: death, dark poems, shadows and nightmares, that whole thing... Halfway through eight grade I moved here. I started a new school halfway through the year and was not welcomed with open arms... I was bullied for the first couple of weeks, then people started being nicer to me. I immediately got straight A's when I was their and that got people mad because this is a advanced school for starter end kids... I guess I didn't make the cool kid cut... I lied about playing sports and about having a boyfriend and about being super smart... When I got their people saw the real me, and they judged me for it. I got hate (cyber bullied) on social media.. So what did I do, I started to lie.. And lie... And lie, until people figures me out and I got bullied once again... Then came Charlie.. Charlie was amazing, he was my rock, my angle, my first love... He was everything I never had and everything I ever wanted... people started accepting me and I got more and more popular. More guys noticed me and more peoples heads turned when they saw me and Charlie walking.. Then he broke up with me because his friends have him a choice between them or me. He choose them... Here comes bullying and more lies... Summer came and went and I missed my old friends more than anything. But freshman year! Finally high school! All the drama was over and I could have a fresh new start!... Or so I thought. Lies came out of my mouth before I could even think otherwise. I told way to many people way to much and that started to ruin my reputation and ruin me. Then I met izabel. She was my best friend in the entire world. We could talk about anything, laugh about everything, and be there for each other through it all... Then what did I do.. Broke her trust. That's what I did. A new girl at our school had a halloween party and I brought baileys... Izabel and I had agreed to never ever be those girls. And I broke her trust. I didn't drink any but i did pretend to be drunk. Why did I? I have no idea.. but that was the start of it all... She cried, we fought. But nothing saved out friendship. She ignored me forever and our friend group all broke up... If I tried to talk to her she would start telling at me or 'roasting' me in public... Then came lunden. Lunden was the love of my life... We had 6 amazing months of perfect love before I screwed that up too. I told him 'their were distractions' in out relationship and we decided to just break up... the whole school year has gone by and I still love him... We are working it out now but he still loves me too.. He just needs time with God to figure it out.. Oh did I mention I'm a seventh-day Adventist? Well I am. And this school I'm at, it's a private Seventh-Day Adventist school too! So to add on too of everything, we are all good little Christian kids... so basically my life is so far ruined because of my selfish lies and deception...
Yes my son is 44 he lies all the time you cant believe. Anything. He says' he met this girl he told her so many lies it isnt even funny and he has a bad drinking problem. And he will work 3 or 4 months and he want for 3 or 4 months i an at. My wits end i do not no what to do thank you
I have a wife that lied to her own son for twenty eight years that her father was really her ex husband and that the guy she had an affair with left her high and dry. For 28 years she has let her ex husband also tell his fake son he was his just to cover it up. When I confronted her on not after I found out she left and said to me some crazy stuff and threatened to kill me of o ever for involved. Overall my wife and I separated over this and many other Lies I found out she was telling me for seven years.
husband has gambling addiction i thought he was getting help from. Noticed this last year he changed a lot and became very addicted to online gaming all night long every night from like 9pm-2am. But, every tuesday night he was still going to his Gamblers annonymous meetings. I found out in July he had not been to them in 6 months and yet-- every Tuesday night he would time it just right...come home at time the meeting normally ended. Tell me the meeting went great. Drop the first names of some of the people who were there. He would come home with a half eaten box of cookies stating they had extra food and he was allowed to bring some home to us. for 6 months he lied about going to his GA meetings. I caught him in a total lie--saw his car not in the lot of the meeting one day. Called him to say HI, he says--"Oh I will be home in 10 minutes, I am just walking out to my car now, the meeting has ended," I said: "Really bc i am in the lot and I don't see you here at all," He says: "You caught me...I didn't feel like going tonight" and hangs up really fast. What he doesn't know is I talked to one of the regular meeting goers who tells me they have not seen him in like 6 months and have been worried about him. I am really puzzled bc every Tuesday for 6 months he's coming homs at time meeting ends, with the cookie box, telling me it was a good meeting. AND!!!! because I notice no money missing from our accounts I often say to him:"I can tell you are not gamblling--good for you--do u think you still need those meetings every Tuesdau?" He always tells me yes, he still likes going. So, now I confront him with the lie. He tells me he hasn;t gone in a few weeks. Didn't feel like going and was at Barnes and Noble reading magazines every Tuesday. I say- "Really, so you haven't been for like just a few weeks?" I ask him many times this ? and he keeps saying YES. THEN I say-- "Well, I talked to the people and they have not seen you in 6 months and are worried about you. What is going on? If you didn't want to go anymore I kept telling you I could tell you were not gambling and maybe you didn't need to go anymore. Why would you lie about going somewhere for 6 months and go through so many steps to lie- the cookie box half eaten...the exact timing?" I am totally livid. He has lied so many times to me i never know what to believe. Or, he with holds info and never gives you the full story. He has no empathy, no feelings towards others and always in his own world. I loose it and shouldn't have maybe but i am mad. I say things like: "How am I suppose to trust you? Marriage needs trust." Fast forward to December. Out of nowhere (for me--for him it was all well planned out) he tells me he is leaving me and wants a divorce. We have a 4 kids. We have little money. WHY DID HE LIE???? Why did he always lie to me??
Trust the untrustworthy, forgive the unforgiveable, love the unlovable, the person I speak of needs this most.
When I met a friend, this past school year, who I thought was the friend I would have for the rest of my life but, she was just manipulating me or “testing†and “acting†as she called it. She told me in text that she was acting and that I might get to meet the real her next school year, if she felt like it. I felt like I lost a part of me and I couldn’t find it because it was gone. My happiness had turned to sadness and anger as it fell from the sky like a bomb and exploded in my face. When I learned that she was manipulating me I told her that I couldn’t be friends with her anymore and that I wasn’t going to put up with her manipulating me. It is going to be very hard to find a new friend because it is going to be hard for me to trust them.