Most Everybody, at One Time or Another, Has Lied
Tell the truth now: that includes you and me. In fact, some people, sad to say, lie almost all the time.
Psychologists call these people compulsive or psychopathic liars. They tell lies even when they don't have to. Even the youngest of children will lie, especially if they think by doing it, they won't get punished for something. When children first learn how lying works, they lack the moral understanding of when to refrain from doing it.
Because lying can have such destructive and harmful consequences to both the liar and the one being lied to, I've written several blogs on this topic.
There are different kinds of lies, as well as different degrees of lying. It seems so many people I talk to have a problem with lying whether it's their own, or someone else's.
While maybe everybody lies at some point, few understand how destructive it can be, why we do it, and how to stop it. So, let's answer those questions.
Let's begin by defining what lying is:
Lying is saying something with the intent of creating a false belief or impression. It's an attempt to get someone to believe something that is not true.
Lying - Self Evaluation
- How many lies do you think you have told this last week?
- Who did you tell the lies to?
- Why did you tell the lies?
- How do you feel about the lies you told now?
Sometimes a lie might seem unintentional, or it may have been told to save someone else's feelings. For example, someone may say to another, "That sure is a pretty dress!", when the person knows it's ugly. We all have the capacity to lie.
Why Do People Lie?
FEAR
It was Tad Williams who said, "We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger." People can be so afraid of what might happen if they told the truth. Maybe they have done something wrong and are afraid of the consequences of their actions, so they lie to cover up what they did. As is often said about political scandals: It's not the crime that gets you in trouble, nearly as much as the cover-up.
MANIPULATION
Lies are typically motivated by a desire to get other people to either do something or not do something, or to make a decision in the favor of the person doing the lying. Someone might lie to get something they desire such as sex, money, status, power, love, etc. Lori said: "I'm young, but I realized quickly lustful people know how to get what they want, even if it means lying to you about how they feel." Probably the word love is used in more lives than any other. How often a guy will say to a girl (or vice versa), "I love you", simply to get the other person emotionally stirred up, so they can be more easily manipulated.
PRIDE
Many times, a person will lie because of pride. They use it for nothing more than a tool to create a favorable image of themselves. This leads to exaggeration, which is a form of lying. Often people will create fascinating, yet completely false, stories to improve their image.
Bottom line: We deceive other people because we think it serves our purposes in some way. And it's easy!
What's the Big Deal About Lying?
It becomes an addiction.
When you get away with a lie it often drives you to continue your deceptions, and in the process, we ruin relationships, hurt others, lose our integrity, and lose our peace. Truth becomes a feared enemy of the liar. It's a sick and tragic cycle that doesn't ever have a happy ending.
Lying may seem simple and harmless at first, but just like any addiction, you'll soon find yourself trapped and entangled more than you could have ever imagined.
Liars don't have peace
Lying is extremely stressful. It causes you to be constantly looking over your shoulder and wondering who might be finding you out. You're always running through the lies you've told in your head, trying to keep track of what you've told to which person, and what's the next lie you need to tell. When you're honest, you don't have those worries or the negative consequences of your lies.
Roselyn commented: "I can say that not lying is a very relaxing way of life." The fact that you don't have to worry about remembering old lies or getting in trouble later on when the truth comes out (because it always does) puts a lot more relief in your life. Even when it's hard, telling the truth always has a better outcome than a bunch of lies.
Lies ruin relationships
People are constantly looking to see who they can trust and who they can't. People are actually much more perceptive and aware of who tells the truth and who doesn't. Over time, honesty shows itself as a trait that is beautiful and deeply respected. Liars are not respected.
This is true in all our relationships whether it's dating, family, friends, or at work. Macey put it so well: "It's always best, to be honest. It makes any and every relationship strong and healthy."
Someone commented about the value of being honest: "I used to lie a lot. I would lie only because it was easier than explaining the truth. And I have finally grown to realize that it's easier to [be honest]. Being honest and open has actually gotten me further than lying. My parents trust me, and I feel good about myself. And when you feel good about yourself then you know that everything is okay." This person has come to realize that when we tell the truth and live it, we become emotionally and spiritually stronger every day.
Telling the Truth Increases Security
It stands to reason that if you are not always working to stay one lie ahead of your last lie, you will be more at peace and have greater security in your relationships with others. The wisest man in the Bible, King Solomon, understood this well. He wrote, "Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but he who makes his ways crooked will be found out." Proverbs 10:9
God speaks of the dangers of lying often in the Bible. In fact, "Do not lie" is one of the 10 Commandments. God understands how much pain lying brings to both the liar and those being lied to and so He tells us not to lie in order to protect us from pain. The Bible also says, "For all that is secret will eventually be brought into the open, and everything that is concealed will be brought to light and made known to all." Luke 8:17
Here is more of what God says about lying - Verses of Hope for Struggling with Lying
Following God can offer so much security in many aspects of life. For more on a relationship with God read Learn More About God
Honesty Challenge
I want to offer up a challenge to all of us. Would you be willing to commit to a life of honesty and integrity? If you're up for this life-changing challenge, please write me a comment below, and tell a friend about your commitment too.
Has lying become a part of your everyday life? Need more help? Listen to Dawson's Podcast, How Can I Stop Lying - EP -19.
My husband has a compulsive lying problem. He lies constantly about everything even when he doesn't have to. He also has a bad drug habit. He has sworn to me time and time again that things will be better but it never gets better. The last time I caught him lying I kicked him out and now we are getting a divorce. I have tried to help him get better over the years but nothing helps. Part of me feels like I'm giving up on him and abandoning him, but I can't trust anything he says and he makes me into a paranoid mess when I'm around him. I don't want to see him fail, but I don't want him to hurt me anymore either.
Hello Vanessa, my name is Andrew. Sorry to read your story as it has many similarities to my marriage ending just over 2 years ago. From the begining, 20 years ago, my ex-wife and I shared substance abuse. Before I met her I didn't even smoke cigerettes but occasionally, since the age of 15, had joints with my older brother. I met my ex-wife when I had just turned 18 and she was 19. Initially she was a daily bong smoker, and within 6 months, I became the same type of addict. At that time she lived with one of her friends, who both had a young child each. The supply of the dope was readily available within this environment so our addictions didn't seem like that much of a big deal, because we always were under the impression it was just a habit and could give it up at any time. Once she moved out, with her son, we embark on our voyage of life together. The first year was great but changed dramatically once our supplier moved away, which caused my life to change forever. The unforgetable, terrible scum I had to score off over the next 20 years, to not only satisfy my addiction, but my ex-wife too. We went from dope to extasy to MDMA to powder Amphetamines and finally to Meth Amphetamines, all along continuing to regulate the abuse with canabis. I lied and lied and lied and lied. Not only about how I paid for them, where I got them from and who I got them from. Lies to cover lies to cover lies to cover lies. And when I couldn't pay or couldn't aquire substances, my ex-wife took to serious Alcohol abuse and became very violent. During all this we managed to have a perfically healthy baby girl, who is nearly 17, but may as well be 27 after what she has witnessed.
I read something about a certain types of people who lie, but I identified with all types due to dealing with our families, dealing with my ex-wife and the most harmful environment, dealing with dealers.
My ex-wife walked out on our marrige, which I don't blame her for doing as I think all my lies did make her question her sanity, yet not an hour goes by that I wish I could hold her and love her again. Unfortunately, there is not enough time left in our lifes, at 40 and 41, for me to repair her lost trust and respect for me again. And it's hard, so hard for me to accept these facts.
If your ex-husband is solely to blame for his lies and the damage he has caused and the pain he has create, well I personally think he would be very upset deep in side his heart.
Substance abuse is a generic illness, like alcoholism, but alcohol is legal and therefore makes substance abuse much more difficult to overcome.
first of all u cant become addicted to weed
i understand your concern. I suggest you to find a job for your self and also don't argue with your husband much and if you know he's lying please notify him at the end of the day bcuse if you say truth to the people they will be angry and you have show the circumstances what will happen in the comming future if he follows the same way. it might be difficult but he will realise and come to you again in the future. he might feel burden with the standard income. if you get a good job or a normal job and try to educate further as much as possible better to take course a hour a day for a job he will build confidence and he will get to know that we can also earn money in different style by education . there might be very less time for this stuff in your lifes but this is the best way to get out of this and tell him your best moments of your life so that he can find the lost love in you. tc
the co worker wants you or the co worker has a revenge on your husband . The only way I guess is remind your husband the old memories of you both and show him how much trust worthy u are and hire a detective if possible for the co worker to revel his original identity to your husband live... I guess this works. I'm sorry I don't relay to mail much and my heartful sorry if i gave any wrong information.. thx
Thank you for the input. Things aren't good. So much headache.
Please help. husband co-worker said he slept with me, we NEVER did! Why would someone say this! * Update, this person said he has a picture of us together. this is total bs! Asked husband for the picture, he said he doesn't need it because he believes it! So,now I don't know what to think. Told husband I need to see it,and if you don't how can you believe these lies! Husband has cheated on me before, and maybe he's making this up??? Confused
I have a 35 year old son that lies. We are a very average, educated family with a son that could not make it in college. He gave up and got a very responsible job and has worked it successfully for years but he has never been honest with us. He got into some money trouble and instead of coming to us he starting borrowing from Pay day loan companies and friends of ours without our knowledge. His health was compromised with a nervous condition (surely from his deceptions) and he had to lay off work for 3 months. He did not tell us. He even continued calling his dad every morning on his way to his job even though he was sitting in his apartment. My son has self esteem problems and I am sure that is the basis of this. He has Klinesfelter Syndrome and an auditory learning disability. He will not tell us the truth about anything. He says we are trying to take charge of his like and he wants us to butt out but we can't seem to do that either...we love him too much!
call him to your house and he will be very angry when you tell the truth what is going through ask him what happened he loves his father that the reason he is still communicating though is his not doing the job. I suggest you to probe him in a helpful manner and say him we will try to solve your problems to our best and try to know all the situations you'll get to know a major problem don't get angry with that try and try until u solve his problems and join him in a good course so that he can find a good atmosphere to learn and a possibilty to earn good money for future the best way is to u have a enqurie a good course ur self give him as a give make his like sort of busy so that he can again gain confidence. i'm orry if i have given any wrong info i always try to give my best. i'm sorry i don't respond to mails,tq