Most Everybody, at One Time or Another, Has Lied
Tell the truth now: that includes you and me. In fact, some people, sad to say, lie almost all the time.
Psychologists call these people compulsive or psychopathic liars. They tell lies even when they don't have to. Even the youngest of children will lie, especially if they think by doing it, they won't get punished for something. When children first learn how lying works, they lack the moral understanding of when to refrain from doing it.
Because lying can have such destructive and harmful consequences to both the liar and the one being lied to, I've written several blogs on this topic.
There are different kinds of lies, as well as different degrees of lying. It seems so many people I talk to have a problem with lying whether it's their own, or someone else's.
While maybe everybody lies at some point, few understand how destructive it can be, why we do it, and how to stop it. So, let's answer those questions.
Let's begin by defining what lying is:
Lying is saying something with the intent of creating a false belief or impression. It's an attempt to get someone to believe something that is not true.
Lying - Self Evaluation
- How many lies do you think you have told this last week?
- Who did you tell the lies to?
- Why did you tell the lies?
- How do you feel about the lies you told now?
Sometimes a lie might seem unintentional, or it may have been told to save someone else's feelings. For example, someone may say to another, "That sure is a pretty dress!", when the person knows it's ugly. We all have the capacity to lie.
Why Do People Lie?
FEAR
It was Tad Williams who said, "We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger." People can be so afraid of what might happen if they told the truth. Maybe they have done something wrong and are afraid of the consequences of their actions, so they lie to cover up what they did. As is often said about political scandals: It's not the crime that gets you in trouble, nearly as much as the cover-up.
MANIPULATION
Lies are typically motivated by a desire to get other people to either do something or not do something, or to make a decision in the favor of the person doing the lying. Someone might lie to get something they desire such as sex, money, status, power, love, etc. Lori said: "I'm young, but I realized quickly lustful people know how to get what they want, even if it means lying to you about how they feel." Probably the word love is used in more lives than any other. How often a guy will say to a girl (or vice versa), "I love you", simply to get the other person emotionally stirred up, so they can be more easily manipulated.
PRIDE
Many times, a person will lie because of pride. They use it for nothing more than a tool to create a favorable image of themselves. This leads to exaggeration, which is a form of lying. Often people will create fascinating, yet completely false, stories to improve their image.
Bottom line: We deceive other people because we think it serves our purposes in some way. And it's easy!
What's the Big Deal About Lying?
It becomes an addiction.
When you get away with a lie it often drives you to continue your deceptions, and in the process, we ruin relationships, hurt others, lose our integrity, and lose our peace. Truth becomes a feared enemy of the liar. It's a sick and tragic cycle that doesn't ever have a happy ending.
Lying may seem simple and harmless at first, but just like any addiction, you'll soon find yourself trapped and entangled more than you could have ever imagined.
Liars don't have peace
Lying is extremely stressful. It causes you to be constantly looking over your shoulder and wondering who might be finding you out. You're always running through the lies you've told in your head, trying to keep track of what you've told to which person, and what's the next lie you need to tell. When you're honest, you don't have those worries or the negative consequences of your lies.
Roselyn commented: "I can say that not lying is a very relaxing way of life." The fact that you don't have to worry about remembering old lies or getting in trouble later on when the truth comes out (because it always does) puts a lot more relief in your life. Even when it's hard, telling the truth always has a better outcome than a bunch of lies.
Lies ruin relationships
People are constantly looking to see who they can trust and who they can't. People are actually much more perceptive and aware of who tells the truth and who doesn't. Over time, honesty shows itself as a trait that is beautiful and deeply respected. Liars are not respected.
This is true in all our relationships whether it's dating, family, friends, or at work. Macey put it so well: "It's always best, to be honest. It makes any and every relationship strong and healthy."
Someone commented about the value of being honest: "I used to lie a lot. I would lie only because it was easier than explaining the truth. And I have finally grown to realize that it's easier to [be honest]. Being honest and open has actually gotten me further than lying. My parents trust me, and I feel good about myself. And when you feel good about yourself then you know that everything is okay." This person has come to realize that when we tell the truth and live it, we become emotionally and spiritually stronger every day.
Telling the Truth Increases Security
It stands to reason that if you are not always working to stay one lie ahead of your last lie, you will be more at peace and have greater security in your relationships with others. The wisest man in the Bible, King Solomon, understood this well. He wrote, "Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but he who makes his ways crooked will be found out." Proverbs 10:9
God speaks of the dangers of lying often in the Bible. In fact, "Do not lie" is one of the 10 Commandments. God understands how much pain lying brings to both the liar and those being lied to and so He tells us not to lie in order to protect us from pain. The Bible also says, "For all that is secret will eventually be brought into the open, and everything that is concealed will be brought to light and made known to all." Luke 8:17
Here is more of what God says about lying - Verses of Hope for Struggling with Lying
Following God can offer so much security in many aspects of life. For more on a relationship with God read Learn More About God
Honesty Challenge
I want to offer up a challenge to all of us. Would you be willing to commit to a life of honesty and integrity? If you're up for this life-changing challenge, please write me a comment below, and tell a friend about your commitment too.
Has lying become a part of your everyday life? Need more help? Listen to Dawson's Podcast, How Can I Stop Lying - EP -19.
Actually you can be addicted to it. Check out this link. http://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/research-reports/marijuana/marijuana-addictive OR chat with a HopeCoach about it http://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp/
My husband use to lie about his hours spent working I was pregnant and felt so unimportant to him. Then he lied about watching open where money was spent. He has lied about hiding money from me and even when he got caught didn't seem to bother him much. He recently told me he was kidnapped. We are separated and I hadn't seen it heard from him in a few days. I even received a text message that was supposedly given to one of the kidnappers saying that he loved me and might not see me again. There were so many holes in his story but it seemed like he believed it too. It has left me angry, feeling disrespected and not worth the truth. I started sleeping with other men just to get his attention I wanted him to notice me and to stop watching porn especially after promising he had stopped.
I have been broken up with an ex for months now, but we had been fighting for the past months because I was trying to extract the truth from all his lies. He lied to me from the very beginning, about how he had sex with 2 people instead of 1 person. He lied about his actions - promises he couldn't keep. He would reveal my privacy to other people. I cried and made him promise to stop, and he would promise, he would even reassure me once in a while on his own that he was upholding those promises. Months later, I found out he had broken all those promises but he would delete messages and texts from other people so that I wouldn't find out. I would ask him why he lied and to tell the whole truth, but his stories would be more lies to cover for previous ones. I couldn't take the paranoia, depression/sadness, & stress anymore. I FINALLY blocked him from everywhere, I was slowly blocking him one by one from different social media accounts, but my heart is still aching. I lay in bed for hours every day thinking about all of his lies and I am brooding in stress, paranoia, sadness, wounds that he has left me in. Broken trust and strained energy from renewing hope again & again & again. I had trust issues in the first place from my past experiences with guys, but this just totally messed me up. I'm shaking and I feel alone in the world. I want someone to heal me, but no one wants to put up with a sad girl who needs time, consistency, and emotional sensitivity to my need for security and rebuilding trust.
I need help....I lied to my husband about some serious stuff I've been trying to lay everything out on the Table and it's just to hard to do, he said he's giving me another chance and if I can't tell the truth he's going to leave.
I can relate to your story. I've asked myself and my husband "why?" So many times. I can't believe that he chose his lies and the kind of life that came with them over me and our daughter. Whenever I caught him in a lie he would get very defensive. Suddenly everything that he had done wrong was somehow my fault. I think it hurt his pride to get caught. He and I are getting divorced. I'm going to focus on raising my child and getting my life back on track instead of trying to keep track of him. I hope I will be happier in the long run. I also hope your life gets back on track soon too. You and your children deserve a good life.
Sorry, but divorce makes you a liar too. And your child will know that. Then you'll be teaching your child that lying is good. I hope you'll instead choose a support group to comfort you & help you love as you promised, and maybe he'll improve as you eliminate his fear of your rejection. I know how you feel. There's a better way than giving up. Don't trust your emotions. Human emotions are pathological liars, and sometimes just blind.
Umm, I got out of an abusive relationship with a liar and I've never felt more free than I do now. Please don't call me a liar. I tried everything to make it work with him. He wasn't willing to change.
How can you call me a liar? I haven't heard your response yet. This bothers me. This site is meant to help people in their time of need and despair, not pass judgment onto them. I did make a vow to love him but so did he. He hurt me in so many ways, emotionally and physically. No one should have to stay in a relationship like that. If you have nothing nice to add to the conversation, then you need to stay off of this site.
Don't rip on other people and project your pain onto them because you don't have the balls to leave an abusive husband like they did.
You're the bad mother. You teach your kids once you make those vows that people are free to abuse you.
They're never gonna wanna get married now.
i agree
Thank you both so much!
Actually, I teach them how to set boundaries for how we are to be treated within an unconditional commitment marriage. I do not teach our children to just sit by and be abused. I teach them how to give unconditional respect, which helps the relationship improve, and teach loving confrontation that inspires change. To work to keep lifelong commitment promises and work to lovingly confront, actually protects the child in many ways. Take note that the #1 child molester is mother’s boyfriend, and #2 is step-father, and the main reason for the crime & poverty & terrible schools for city families is due to broken homes. Clearly the best option is getting help to stay committed to our spouse, even if temporary separation is required for safety. It is unconditional love that inspires lasting change in character. I have worked through almost 29 years with my husband. Raising children together is hard work. Most are sorely unprepared, as we were not, both coming from broken homes. I wanted to break the cycle of the child neglect that is forced by parents breaking up. They just do better if parents love each other, and with enough dedication to honesty about wedding vows, one spouse CAN inspire the other most often to put the needs of children first before their own emotional preferences. Following the right advice, the friendship of the parents can fully blossom. The wonderful start of the relationship is only a bud. The best is yet to come, after they are tried by the fire of parenting older children and come out a more pure shiny gold example of love, real love, not the typical fair weather friend love. Honestly, most of the mistreatment between spouses is just bad reactions to mistreatment, both taking turns being annoying. So if one person learns how to be fully respectful and loving, the other isn’t on the defense all the time, and might be happy with who they have at home instead of looking elsewhere for better respect. I’m not a young wife. I’m 47, oldest child 21, together since 1989. I’m an Olympic level wife....not an amateur. I’m in this to win! The prize goes to the promise keepers. It honestly would have been much more work to start over with a new man or be alone, because of the kids. They have needs, and can tolerate parental discord far better than parents abandoning each other and dealing with parental dating and step-family...notoriously more difficult parenting & visiting when children are grown. We ought to do more to help people learn how to get along. There are skills that most people don’t know exist. Marriage is so far different than dating. As different as flying a jet in a storm is compared to riding a bike on a flat paved bike trail on a sunny day. Be curious about this skill set. Don’t assume it isn’t real or wouldn’t work. 15 years ago I would have agreed with you. But I know better because I tried something else not part of popular culture, and it worked. We’re happier now, and the kids too, than would have been possible if we had given up in 2007 as we both had been severely tempted. We’ve both seen enough people in our life choose to give up and start with new people or alone.....None are as happy as we and the are after the same number of years from the start of the big difficulties. Most have not married their first partner after their divorce. Some have been remarried 18 years and now are fighting frequently after initial years of just pure cooperative bliss that we admired so much. Didn’t last. Others just refuse to marry again and date around as a lifestyle. Some divorce a 2nd and 3rd time, always blaming the other person for 99%, as does their ex. They’re both right. Without unconditional commitment beliefs, they are doomed to constantly judging the other person in ways that offend and take the relationship in a downward spiral, the speed being the difference between relationships. Many die before the relationship dies. Only a rare few trade love equally enough to motivate continuation of trade and make it til one dies. Love cant be earned. That would be prostitution. Love is a free gift. Rather than give up on a difficult or very difficult husband, choose to truly love and lovingly set boundaries. It IS possible to really enjoy each other again after much difficulty. To tell the next spouse that you’ll abandon them too if he doesn’t measure up, is not nice. He’ll be fine with that arrangement for only a few years, maybe 10-15 before he gets tired of his wife’s judgementalism. People tell me don’t judge, but that’s impossible for any person to not judge every other person on the planet including self. Only in judging can we be safe or find friends we can trust or choose a husband or teach a child to be a better person or trust a teacher or babysitter to help with our children, or accept a job if we think we’re qualified or hire someone or choose between 3 applicants to rent to one, etc. I don’t judge to make people feel bad, but to offer a better way than giving up on our wedding promises. As an athlete or mother of several children knows, often when the situation in most painful and we think we just can’t go on or we’ll die, we are so close to victory and new life. Many an athlete gave up or was found dead literally feet from safety. They just couldn’t see where they were in relation to water or the road or the shore. An English Channel swimmer gave up on making history because he was sooooo exhausted, and asked to get in the boat. The fog didn’t let him see that the shore was within a short doable swim away. Most women just don’t know how to relate to their husband as a husband, but only as a boyfriend. I know how, not perfectly, but good enough. It does get better than the dating & honeymoon days. If you learn how. You can’t wait for him to change first or even at the same pace. The children are worth our sacrifices of what we’d prefer to feel emotionally 24/7. A country is only as strong as it’s families, and strong families are not built by surrounding ourselves with people who only tell our bitter selves what we want to hear. Surgery hurts, but it’s often the only way to best health. Don’t be afraid of marriage advice that hurts at first. Look at this couple who had 5 divorces between them and then we’re going to divorce each other and separated, before they chose the unconditional commitment lifestyle and got back together. They are in California and run the Marriage 911 ministry.
They all do want to get married and have kids, and the oldest 21 is already engaged with a wedding planned for right after college graduation next year. Her best friend’s 2 siblings say they never want to marry or have kids because of their parent’s divorce. My parents divorced and my 3 siblings only had 2 kids between them, only one within the first marriage then none with her second husband. My brother had a child with a girlfriend, broke up during the pregnancy, never married, just lots of girlfriends, doesn’t seem to ever want to marry, just cohabit for years on end with various women. My other sister just perpetually dates physically, keeps choosing mostly divorced guys who don’t want a wife. My husband’s 2 brothers...one is promiscuously gay because he was raised by an alcoholic with no supervision and porn as wallpaper literally, mother moved out when the little guy was only 9. The other brother never had kids and is on his 2nd marriage. My Dad’s best friend left his wife & kids years ago & remarried and the 3 boys barely have a relationship with him since. So sad. The science backs up reconciliation of first marriage as being better for everyone than broken homes are even if parents remarry happier. The rate of divorce for 2nd marriages is higher than firsts. My daughter is engaged to marry a man with a 4 year old daughter from a previous girlfriend. The visitation difficulties and bitterness between them is typical, and so hard on the little girl. What a drain on the new romance too, all the ongoing drama with the ex and the little girl missing her mama who doesn’t have custody.
you should really stay off of this topic and please don't make anymore comment you are just hurting people here and if you say you are not hurting people here then guess what you just lied to your own face
vanessa mind that amy west girl i get it and i agree you had to leave the relationship and i agree she should stay of the site for saying such idiotic things