How to Handle Cheating
Do Relationships Survive Cheating?
Cheating often means the end of the relationship for people who are dating or married. Cheating is a violation of trust, and that betrayal is often sustained by multiple lies told over a long period of time. Since there are a lot of unhealthy patterns behind cheating, deciding to rebuild a relationship with someone who cheated on you is risky. It is important, before jumping back into that relationship or pursuing a new relationship, to understand the impact cheating has had on your view of relationships, your own self-esteem, and your ability to trust people. This will likely take time to explore and understand, and the guidance of a counselor or mentor is helpful if you feel overwhelmed.
If you have cheated on your partner, and they found out, it is important to apologize and ask for forgiveness. But remember: pressuring your partner to take you back is not a kind or loving choice. They will need time to heal, and you will need time to understand the impact of your own choices. Whether you were cheated on, or you cheated on someone, you are not doomed to repeat history. With support, you can grow and move forward with a healthier understanding of yourself and your relationships.
Reactions to Cheating
Have you been cheated on? How did you react? Was it an emotional rollercoaster rotating between rage, disbelief, and grief? I imagine at one point or another all of these thoughts crossed your mind:
"How didn't I know? How could I be so dumb?"
"I hate them."
"I need to make that no-good cheater pay, and I have several ideas about how to do that."
"Am I really that worthless that he/she would hurt me like that?"
"I need to find a guy/girl who appreciates me, right now! I deserve better. And I need to make them jealous."
"I miss him/her so much. How am I going to live without them?"
It is always painful when relationships come apart. But when cheating is involved it is usually far more painful for one person than the other, and cheating makes a painful situation so much worse. It leaves a person feeling completely disrespected. The ability to trust can be lost. It is rejection on a whole different level.
So, what do you do if you've been cheated on? How do you get past the pain and get on to the next part of your life?
Let's start out with a few things you SHOULD NOT do.
Six Things Not To Do When You've Been Cheated On
1. Don't waste time trying to get even.
One of the ways girls get back at their cheating ex is to spread rumors that are not true. It might make you feel better for a little while, but in the end, you just make yourself look even more devalued. It may not seem that way to you, but it sure looks that way to everyone else. Don't lower yourself by retaliating, but say to yourself, "I'm too good for that."
Some people try to retaliate by doing something to hurt themselves. That doesn't make much sense, but it still happens. Girls have been known to date guys they do not like at all in order to get back at the guy they love.
2. Don't rebound in the same direction.
Cory wrote: Take your time moving on. Also, don't just jump into a relationship the minute you're single. Moving on takes time and drowning your sadness out by forcing yourself into a relationship might not be the best idea...Stay positive. Even try staying single for a few months to figure out what you want, who you don't want, and keep an open mind about relationships and people.
No matter how you try to cover it up, people who are cheated on almost always feel they have been disrespected, devalued, or cheapened in other people's eyes. It is a lot like that sickening feeling you get when someone makes some terribly nasty comment about you. Feeling a big hole inside that is screaming to be filled, the temptation is to quickly fill that void with another boyfriend. However, finding another boyfriend ASAP (as soon as possible) may not be the best way to find a guy AGAP (as good as possible). You might wind up in another cheating relationship.
Dawn wrote: If you want to move on to the next boyfriend and you don't want the same type of guy...#1 don't do or look in the same place u met the 1st BF. I believe deeply that before another relationship is established you must 1st be mentally, emotionally and spiritually ready because a new boyfriend no matter how great can't make u achieve that level of completeness necessary to handle the challenges of a relationship!
3. Don't bear other people's guilt.
When people cheat, it is their decision and their responsibility. However, the ones cheated upon are often left wondering what they did wrong. When parents separate, it is the children who often wind up feeling guilty. Certainly, one person can be responsible in part for someone leaving a relationship, but in cheating, the cheater is totally responsible for his or her actions. We really never get away with anything. Ultimately, we will all answer to God for everything we do, say, and think.
4. Don't let a bad wound fester.
Kaitlyn wrote: Well, never rush into a relationship cuz then so many things go bad and wrong and someone ends up hurt. and as for a healthy way to move on, just try to forget the guy and either relax and enjoy being single or start looking for a new guy.
Being cheated on cuts very deep. Though it may not seem so now, wounds do eventually heal. If, however, they are allowed to get infected, the infection can cause more long-term damage than the initial cut. Bitterness is the infection that causes a short-term wound to become a long-term affliction. By nursing and reviewing over and over the terrible actions of your ex-boyfriend and how terribly you were hurt, the wound festers. Eventually, that event becomes so rooted in your thinking that it shapes the way you view every other dating relationship. So in a way, you take the infection from that cheating ex with you into every future relationship until you forgive and let it go.
5. Don't Engage in Missionary Dating.
Why do some girls continue to attract and date known cheaters? You would think that they would learn from their previous mistakes. Many times that happens because these girls have the secret desire to tame the wild man. They think they can make him a better guy. If you want danger and excitement, if you don't care about long-term committed relationships, and being cheated on doesn't bother you forge ahead. But if you are looking for love with known cheaters, then you're looking in the wrong places.
6. Don't Think You Are the Exception.
Dawn wrote: If you want to move on to the next boyfriend and you don't want the same type of guy...don't look in the same place u met the 1st BF.
The most likely guy to cheat is the one who has done it before. So you would think girls would avoid previous cheaters like the plague. But that is far from what happens. There is always another girl willing to give them a chance.
Now there are things that can happen which will change a guy at his very core, things so dramatic that his bent to cheating and his weakness for temptation are turned into rock-solid faithfulness. But rarely will that kind of change come simply from a relationship with the next girl, not even you. Taming the cheater makes a girl feel like she is better than the girl or girls who couldn't. The most common reason that girls get involved with known cheaters is that they think that they will be the exception. Don't get too carried away with flattering words about how much better you are than his last girlfriend that he cheated on.
Do Cheaters Feel Guilty?
That’s a tough question. The short answer is: it depends on the cheater.
Here’s the longer answer:
Most people feel some guilt when they do something they know is wrong. That includes people who cheat on their romantic partners. The real question is, however, do they feel guilt or do they feel remorse?
If someone feels guilty, at the very least they understand that they’ve done something “wrong.” They hurt someone they loved. If someone cheats on you, and they claim that they don’t feel guilty, that would be a) surprising and b) a sign that they have some narcissistic tendencies that make them feel entitled to behave however they please.
Assuming that someone who cheated on you “feels bad” about it, here’s another follow-up question: do they “feel bad” because they got caught or do they “feel bad” because they hurt you and believe they made a mistake? There’s an important distinction there, since many cheating situations come to light because they’re discovered, rather than the cheater coming forward on their own. If you had to catch them, and they claim to feel guilty, does that mean as much to you as it would if they confessed to you of their own free will?
That’s where remorse comes in. Guilt is simply the feeling of knowing when you did a bad thing. Remorse is when you can recognize what you did was wrong, take responsibility for it, and are willing to do whatever you need to in order to reconcile the situation. For instance, if someone is truly remorseful about cheating, that person will apologize freely rather than defend or make excuses for their actions. They may offer to make lifestyle changes and promise to seek therapy. Their actions, not just their words, will prove that they are serious about rectifying what they’ve done.
The presence of remorse doesn’t necessarily mean that you can or should save the relationship, but it’s a necessary starting point.
The Truth is You Are Exceptional
Here's the deal, no matter how GREAT you are (and you are GREAT), the issue is with him, not you. So please don't lose sight of your own self-worth. If you are loving with your whole heart and treating your guy with respect, you should receive the same in return.
I hope you know how special you are. If you are doubting yourself at all, consider this, the God of the universe can't stop thinking about YOU!
"How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me!" - Psalm 139:17-18
You deserve more! You were made for more!
For more verses of hope about God’s plan for relationships, love and sex read these Verses of Hope for Cheating in Relationships.
The end of a relationship is devastating. For help read - Moving on: How to Properly Grieve and Heal After a Breakup.
I need advice from a male. My boyfriend cheated very early on in the relationship a few weeks in. However I never found out until we were a year and 1/2 into the relationship and I was very in love. So I chose to move on and convinced myself it was too early at the time and it was a drunken fling at a wedding.
Since then, since I found out, I have had trouble with trust. I have snooped and I feel guilty, but my greatest fear is that he will cheat and I won't find out for a long time (again). If I had known right away the first time, I would have left immediately, but my feelings were stronger by the time I found out.
So I look at his text messages occasionally, and I see some from girls in his past, nothing extremely flirtatious, but he never speaks of me and often fibs to them about what he is doing. For example, he was with me on Christmas day, but instead of telling this girl that, he said he was out of town.
This really makes me wonder. Although, it's not your typical cheating, is he unhappy, not proud of me, about to cheat??
any advice would be helpful, especially candid advice from a an who has done the same thing.
I feel that I am attentive, loving, affectionate, etc. But perhaps it is not enough?
I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years now and during our relationship he has cheated on me several times of which I love him utterly and cannot imagine myself being without him. He is also physically abusive and I'm really out of options go I don't even have eyes for any other men
Please help
My boyfriend of a 1 1/2 years has been secretly talking to his ex-girlfriend that he was involved with for about the same length of time. I confronted him about it on Thanksgiving and he swears that nothing is going on other than him needing someone to talk to. He said, she is married but he still has feelings for her. After he left his wife they dated and she cheated on him with her ex-husband and now she friend requested him in October and they have been talking ever since. The problem is that he is hiding his phone whenever I am there. If it would not have been for the fact that he left it in the bathroom on Thanksgiving I would never have known who he was talking to. About a month ago, I received some of the messages that they have been sending to one another and let's just say they are not of a friendly nature. I have not confronted him with this information, was going to wait til after Christmas because their are children involved. I have been praying for him everyday and trying to surrender this to God, but it is so hard. He feels that talking to her is not cheating. I beg to differ. I don't want to break up with him, I just want him to see how much this hurts me and would like to make it work. I think she is just playing him becuase he has been depressed for awhile. My question is staying and trying the right thing, I don;t want to give him an ultimatum as to her or me, but I do not and will not play the other person. He has started to become distant and stopped telling me that he loves me and that is what hurts the worst.
I could really use some advice?.
Thanks
I have a bf, we've been together for three years (Nov 24, 2013 till today) on Nov 28 we have celebrated my 19th birthday and btw he's 9 years older than me. Our relationship seems to be imperfectly perfect. Like a normal relationships we've been through to a lot of struggles but not in having 3 party or what, well am wrong! Very wrong, early morning of 29 Nov I decided to sleep to his house. Well I am a kind of gf that can trust you with my whole heart, and never will doubt you. I was really stupid. I never ever tried to check his phone, his fb or whatsoever. Idk why that early morning of 29Nov I have this urge that I need to check something with his phone. And then I saw something, a mssg for unknown number it says " are you already at home DEAR?" I don't memorize my phone number so I thought it's just one of my numbers still I save it to my phone, the time I went home I called the number but it's a girl, I was shocked and there's no word came from my mouth I just ended the call. I just texted the girl if she is the gf of " Mark N" she then said yes. I call her back again, I asked her how long they've been? They've been together for 1 year and half! wtf? half of our relationship? I didn't have any idea regards that, the girl then told me that she knew about me and the other 4 girls but she wouldn't believe because she really love my bf. Im in a deep hurt right now. Is it still worth it of giving him another chance? He chooses me over the 5 other girls or maybe am wrong again. 3 years? I can't believe it. I need advices guys.
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