My Boyfriend Cheated on Me - 6 Things NOT To Do

 

How to Handle Cheating

Do Relationships Survive Cheating?

Cheating often means the end of the relationship for people who are dating or married. Cheating is a violation of trust, and that betrayal is often sustained by multiple lies told over a long period of time. Since there are a lot of unhealthy patterns behind cheating, deciding to rebuild a relationship with someone who cheated on you is risky. It is important, before jumping back into that relationship or pursuing a new relationship, to understand the impact cheating has had on your view of relationships, your own self-esteem, and your ability to trust people. This will likely take time to explore and understand, and the guidance of a counselor or mentor is helpful if you feel overwhelmed.

If you have cheated on your partner, and they found out, it is important to apologize and ask for forgiveness. But remember: pressuring your partner to take you back is not a kind or loving choice. They will need time to heal, and you will need time to understand the impact of your own choices. Whether you were cheated on, or you cheated on someone, you are not doomed to repeat history. With support, you can grow and move forward with a healthier understanding of yourself and your relationships. 

Reactions to Cheating

Have you been cheated on? How did you react? Was it an emotional rollercoaster rotating between rage, disbelief, and grief? I imagine at one point or another all of  these thoughts crossed your mind:

"How didn't I know? How could I be so dumb?"

"I hate them."

"I need to make that no-good cheater pay, and I have several ideas about how to do that."

"Am I really that worthless that he/she would hurt me like that?"

"I need to find a guy/girl who appreciates me, right now!  I deserve better. And I need to make them jealous."

"I miss him/her so much. How am I going to live without them?"

It is always painful when relationships come apart. But when cheating is involved it is usually far more painful for one person than the other, and cheating makes a painful situation so much worse.  It leaves a person feeling completely disrespected. The ability to trust can be lost.  It is rejection on a whole different level.

So, what do you do if you've been cheated on? How do you get past the pain and get on to the next part of your life?

Let's start out with a few things you SHOULD NOT do.

Six Things Not To Do When You've Been Cheated On

 

1. Don't waste time trying to get even.

One of the ways girls get back at their cheating ex is to spread rumors that are not true.  It might make you feel better for a little while, but in the end, you just make yourself look even more devalued. It may not seem that way to you, but it sure looks that way to everyone else. Don't lower yourself by retaliating, but say to yourself, "I'm too good for that."

Some people try to retaliate by doing something to hurt themselves. That doesn't make much sense, but it still happens. Girls have been known to date guys they do not like at all in order to get back at the guy they love.

2. Don't rebound in the same direction.

Cory wrote: Take your time moving on. Also, don't just jump into a relationship the minute you're single. Moving on takes time and drowning your sadness out by forcing yourself into a relationship might not be the best idea...Stay positive. Even try staying single for a few months to figure out what you want, who you don't want, and keep an open mind about relationships and people.

No matter how you try to cover it up, people who are cheated on almost always feel they have been disrespected, devalued, or cheapened in other people's eyes. It is a lot like that sickening feeling you get when someone makes some terribly nasty comment about you. Feeling a big hole inside that is screaming to be filled, the temptation is to quickly fill that void with another boyfriend. However, finding another boyfriend ASAP (as soon as possible) may not be the best way to find a guy AGAP (as good as possible). You might wind up in another cheating relationship.

Dawn wrote: If you want to move on to the next boyfriend and you don't want the same type of guy...#1 don't do or look in the same place u met the 1st BF. I believe deeply that before another relationship is established you must 1st be mentally, emotionally and spiritually ready because a new boyfriend no matter how great can't make u achieve that level of completeness necessary to handle the challenges of a relationship!

3.  Don't bear other people's guilt.

When people cheat, it is their decision and their responsibility. However, the ones cheated upon are often left wondering what they did wrong. When parents separate, it is the children who often wind up feeling guilty. Certainly, one person can be responsible in part for someone leaving a relationship, but in cheating, the cheater is totally responsible for his or her actions. We really never get away with anything. Ultimately, we will all answer to God for everything we do, say, and think.

4.  Don't let a bad wound fester.

Kaitlyn wrote: Well, never rush into a relationship cuz then so many things go bad and wrong and someone ends up hurt. and as for a healthy way to move on, just try to forget the guy and either relax and enjoy being single or start looking for a new guy.

Being cheated on cuts very deep. Though it may not seem so now, wounds do eventually heal. If, however, they are allowed to get infected, the infection can cause more long-term damage than the initial cut. Bitterness is the infection that causes a short-term wound to become a long-term affliction. By nursing and reviewing over and over the terrible actions of your ex-boyfriend and how terribly you were hurt, the wound festers. Eventually, that event becomes so rooted in your thinking that it shapes the way you view every other dating relationship.  So in a way, you take the infection from that cheating ex with you into every future relationship until you forgive and let it go.

5. Don't Engage in Missionary Dating.

Why do some girls continue to attract and date known cheaters? You would think that they would learn from their previous mistakes. Many times that happens because these girls have the secret desire to tame the wild man. They think they can make him a better guy. If you want danger and excitement, if you don't care about long-term committed relationships, and being cheated on doesn't bother you forge ahead. But if you are looking for love with known cheaters, then you're looking in the wrong places.

6. Don't Think You Are the Exception.

Dawn wrote:   If you want to move on to the next boyfriend and you don't want the same type of guy...don't look in the same place u met the 1st BF.

The most likely guy to cheat is the one who has done it before. So you would think girls would avoid previous cheaters like the plague. But that is far from what happens. There is always another girl willing to give them a chance.

Now there are things that can happen which will change a guy at his very core, things so dramatic that his bent to cheating and his weakness for temptation are turned into rock-solid faithfulness. But rarely will that kind of change come simply from a relationship with the next girl, not even you. Taming the cheater makes a girl feel like she is better than the girl or girls who couldn't. The most common reason that girls get involved with known cheaters is that they think that they will be the exception. Don't get too carried away with flattering words about how much better you are than his last girlfriend that he cheated on.

Do Cheaters Feel Guilty?

That’s a tough question. The short answer is: it depends on the cheater.

Here’s the longer answer:

Most people feel some guilt when they do something they know is wrong. That includes people who cheat on their romantic partners. The real question is, however, do they feel guilt or do they feel remorse?

If someone feels guilty, at the very least they understand that they’ve done something “wrong.” They hurt someone they loved. If someone cheats on you, and they claim that they don’t feel guilty, that would be a) surprising and b) a sign that they have some narcissistic tendencies that make them feel entitled to behave however they please.

Assuming that someone who cheated on you “feels bad” about it, here’s another follow-up question: do they “feel bad” because they got caught or do they “feel bad” because they hurt you and believe they made a mistake? There’s an important distinction there, since many cheating situations come to light because they’re discovered, rather than the cheater coming forward on their own. If you had to catch them, and they claim to feel guilty, does that mean as much to you as it would if they confessed to you of their own free will?

That’s where remorse comes in. Guilt is simply the feeling of knowing when you did a bad thing. Remorse is when you can recognize what you did was wrong, take responsibility for it, and are willing to do whatever you need to in order to reconcile the situation. For instance, if someone is truly remorseful about cheating, that person will apologize freely rather than defend or make excuses for their actions. They may offer to make lifestyle changes and promise to seek therapy. Their actions, not just their words, will prove that they are serious about rectifying what they’ve done.

The presence of remorse doesn’t necessarily mean that you can or should save the relationship, but it’s a necessary starting point.

The Truth is You Are Exceptional

Here's the deal, no matter how GREAT you are (and you are GREAT), the issue is with him, not you.  So please don't lose sight of your own self-worth.  If you are loving with your whole heart and treating your guy with respect, you should receive the same in return.

I hope you know how special you are.  If you are doubting yourself at all, consider this, the God of the universe can't stop thinking about YOU!

"How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me!" - Psalm 139:17-18

You deserve more!  You were made for more!

For more verses of hope about God’s plan for relationships, love and sex read these Verses of Hope for Cheating in Relationships.

The end of a relationship is devastating. For help read - Moving on: How to Properly Grieve and Heal After a Breakup.

Dawson McAllister
Dawson McAllister, also known as America's youth pastor, was an author, radio host, speaker, and founder of TheHopeLine. McAllister attended Bethel College in Minnesota for undergraduate work where he graduated in 1968, began graduate studies at Talbot School of Theology in California, and received an honorary doctorate from Biola University.
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309 comments on “My Boyfriend Cheated on Me - 6 Things NOT To Do”

  1. I been in a relationship. For 4 1/2 years and yeaterday i found out that he cheated on me and i called her and ahe said he told her we were not together Nd other stuff it hurts because i still love him and want to be with him i want to give him another chance but i dont want to keep getting hurt . he has a 4yr old hes going to be 5 that i take care of and love so much like he is my kid and i been here since day one we been through so much together from my parents house to the garage to having money to being broke no car to riding buses to having a car like i was pregnant then i wasnt and. I think thats where our fights started is after i lost my baby. He use to take me everywere and now he doesnt take me no were. He said hes tired of me but then the next day hes fine but i dont want to leave him at all i just want him to be the man i fell in love with not this boy hes trying to be. How do i get the man i love back

  2. Hi everyone. Here's my story. First I want to thank all of you for sharing your experiences. They've helped when I've feel alone and in a dark ugly place. For me it's been about a year since I broke up with my ex. We were together almost 8 years, and I caught him cheating with about 7+ people, I know there was more but that's what I found. I had been doing fine these last few months, but lately I've been getting super depressed, and break down when I'm alone, I hate it and don't understand why I was ok a few months ago and now I'm a mess at times. The worst thing is that there are so many triggers, and now I feel like I can't trust anyone. People tell me they see a sadness in my eyes, and they are right. I'm fighting so hard to be my old self but it hasn't been easy. Working out has helped, and my body is looking amazing, but I'm afraid to get close to anyond who comes near me. At first I felt humiliated, and like the biggest idiot in the world as my ex was primarily cheating on me with people from the gym we both went to. I don't even know how long he was cheating on me, but it was probably the entire time. I left him, then started dating someone else. That didn't work out so I went back after promises that I thought were true. I should have known better but I forgave him and we got back. Tonight I saw my ex at the gym, and all those feelings came back and I had to leave. A few months ago I would see him and act like I didn't know him. We recently started texting again, and I'll text him back when I'm bored. Lately I've been a mess, I feel like I'm going into a dark place and have been acting reckless, I've been sleeping around and sometimes I don't even know why I do it. I've also been experimenting with sex drugs, and being careless. I think I'm going to feel better, but I feel empty. Then sometimes nice guys try to get close but I push them away because I don't trust anyone anymore. I've never had an STD in my life, and now sometimes I put myself at risk something that I would never do before. Working out, marijuana, and working alot helps me but then I get restless and sometimes act reckless. I just want to stop hurting, and get out this dark place. Like I said I've had good months, but lately they've been dark, and don't understand why I'm hurting again after a year.

  3. My boyfriend of 3 years kissed another girl last year and the gave him a second chance. He just told me out of guilt that he slept with my best friend a few weeks ago and keeps saying it was a moment of weakness. Not sure if I should leave him or give him one last chance

    1. Leave! Take it from me (read my post above) he has no respect for you. If he cheated in you with your "best friend" he has NO respect for you, and he WILL do it again. That's foul, and some one who doesn't care will definitely do it again.

  4. Someone called my boyfriend for nows phone while he was sleeping on my couch. It's never been a big deal to pick up so I did the person hung up . Then I decided that I wanted to leave him a cute note on his home screen it's something we do as a couple . However then I discovered that he had a message from a number not saved turns out it's a friend of his that has tried to come between us before she loves him he dropped contact with her but now she has reappeared she wanted to see how he was doing check up etc. I discovered further that he was messaging calling her beautiful and telling her that he was horny, she however was unresponsive to these and even pointed out that he had a girlfriend . Shocked and Angry I threw his phone at him and accused him of cheating . He however looked just as shocked as I was and has swore to me he didn't do it. He continued to look as confused and puzzled as I did . So I had him call the friend she had told me she didn't respond to it because it was out of the blue and thought it was dirty of him to put her and me in that predicament. I have asked him multiple times y he would lie to me? Why would he do it? He swears it's not him... I asked if it's not him then who? He thinks it may be a roommate that he has recently had an altercation with not to long before this situation which I knew about and advised him how I would handle it. However he can't explain how this individual could get in his phone. The other end to this is my boyfriend is not on the lease and they have threatened to kick him out over stupid things . We have been together for 3yrs come March things were going great between us like marriage talk from him before this happened we have even planned a Vegas trip for our 3yr in March. My gut wants to trust him and honestly I do believe him but now I don't know because I have been wrong before and hurt before in other relationships. I really need advice from people not in my circle people that don't know either of us. Should I trust him and continue or move on and count it as being cheated on again ?

  5. I've been talking with this guy from my college for a little more than a month. I met him a little over a week before we left for break and I told him he would have to wait to ask to be his girlfriend till we came back from break. I did this because I have a lot of trust issues and I needed to make sure he didn't have any girls at home or anything like that. And it's been great. He's crazy about me and i'm crazy about him.. I've only known him for a month and he wants me to live with him on base when he joins the military after he graduates. He tells me I'm beautiful.. not in a "I want to get in your pants" beautiful, but an "I believe you're so beautiful, and I see who you are and you need to be told you're beautiful" kind of beautiful. I'm very cautious about guys because I don't trust them.. I've been cheated on a good amount of times and it makes me feel insignificant. Guys don't usually want me for me, they treat me like I'm an object.. but he doesn't. Being the untrusting person I am, he forgot to logout of his facebook and I've kept it logged on since we left on break. And I check it sometimes.. I was just about to finally log out of it because I trust him completely. And I saw that he was sexting some girl from his past that is now engaged. And he knows my past.. and he said he wanted just one person and that he didn't want to mess around anymore. He says i'm his everything. And I know he's got a true heart. I confronted him about it and he said he was going to tell me about it in the morning and he didn't lie about it. He said he was sorry repeatedly and that he really messed up. He's been answering all my questions and asking for another chance. And I've fallen for him so hard.. He told me he would unfriend, block or unfollow any girls I questioned and he unfriended the girl he sexted. I just don't know what to do.. He's got a special place in my heart and I may be naïve but maybe he really is sorry. I know I can forgive him with God's help.. it's just trusting him would take awhile.. and I wouldn't hold it against him.. I'm not one to hold a grudge because I know I've messed up and everybody messes up and that's just how it is.. but cheating is a choice. He chose his sex drive over me for a moment. What do I do?

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