How to Handle Cheating
Do Relationships Survive Cheating?
Cheating often means the end of the relationship for people who are dating or married. Cheating is a violation of trust, and that betrayal is often sustained by multiple lies told over a long period of time. Since there are a lot of unhealthy patterns behind cheating, deciding to rebuild a relationship with someone who cheated on you is risky. It is important, before jumping back into that relationship or pursuing a new relationship, to understand the impact cheating has had on your view of relationships, your own self-esteem, and your ability to trust people. This will likely take time to explore and understand, and the guidance of a counselor or mentor is helpful if you feel overwhelmed.
If you have cheated on your partner, and they found out, it is important to apologize and ask for forgiveness. But remember: pressuring your partner to take you back is not a kind or loving choice. They will need time to heal, and you will need time to understand the impact of your own choices. Whether you were cheated on, or you cheated on someone, you are not doomed to repeat history. With support, you can grow and move forward with a healthier understanding of yourself and your relationships.
Reactions to Cheating
Have you been cheated on? How did you react? Was it an emotional rollercoaster rotating between rage, disbelief, and grief? I imagine at one point or another all of these thoughts crossed your mind:
"How didn't I know? How could I be so dumb?"
"I hate them."
"I need to make that no-good cheater pay, and I have several ideas about how to do that."
"Am I really that worthless that he/she would hurt me like that?"
"I need to find a guy/girl who appreciates me, right now! I deserve better. And I need to make them jealous."
"I miss him/her so much. How am I going to live without them?"
It is always painful when relationships come apart. But when cheating is involved it is usually far more painful for one person than the other, and cheating makes a painful situation so much worse. It leaves a person feeling completely disrespected. The ability to trust can be lost. It is rejection on a whole different level.
So, what do you do if you've been cheated on? How do you get past the pain and get on to the next part of your life?
Let's start out with a few things you SHOULD NOT do.
Six Things Not To Do When You've Been Cheated On
1. Don't waste time trying to get even.
One of the ways girls get back at their cheating ex is to spread rumors that are not true. It might make you feel better for a little while, but in the end, you just make yourself look even more devalued. It may not seem that way to you, but it sure looks that way to everyone else. Don't lower yourself by retaliating, but say to yourself, "I'm too good for that."
Some people try to retaliate by doing something to hurt themselves. That doesn't make much sense, but it still happens. Girls have been known to date guys they do not like at all in order to get back at the guy they love.
2. Don't rebound in the same direction.
Cory wrote: Take your time moving on. Also, don't just jump into a relationship the minute you're single. Moving on takes time and drowning your sadness out by forcing yourself into a relationship might not be the best idea...Stay positive. Even try staying single for a few months to figure out what you want, who you don't want, and keep an open mind about relationships and people.
No matter how you try to cover it up, people who are cheated on almost always feel they have been disrespected, devalued, or cheapened in other people's eyes. It is a lot like that sickening feeling you get when someone makes some terribly nasty comment about you. Feeling a big hole inside that is screaming to be filled, the temptation is to quickly fill that void with another boyfriend. However, finding another boyfriend ASAP (as soon as possible) may not be the best way to find a guy AGAP (as good as possible). You might wind up in another cheating relationship.
Dawn wrote: If you want to move on to the next boyfriend and you don't want the same type of guy...#1 don't do or look in the same place u met the 1st BF. I believe deeply that before another relationship is established you must 1st be mentally, emotionally and spiritually ready because a new boyfriend no matter how great can't make u achieve that level of completeness necessary to handle the challenges of a relationship!
3. Don't bear other people's guilt.
When people cheat, it is their decision and their responsibility. However, the ones cheated upon are often left wondering what they did wrong. When parents separate, it is the children who often wind up feeling guilty. Certainly, one person can be responsible in part for someone leaving a relationship, but in cheating, the cheater is totally responsible for his or her actions. We really never get away with anything. Ultimately, we will all answer to God for everything we do, say, and think.
4. Don't let a bad wound fester.
Kaitlyn wrote: Well, never rush into a relationship cuz then so many things go bad and wrong and someone ends up hurt. and as for a healthy way to move on, just try to forget the guy and either relax and enjoy being single or start looking for a new guy.
Being cheated on cuts very deep. Though it may not seem so now, wounds do eventually heal. If, however, they are allowed to get infected, the infection can cause more long-term damage than the initial cut. Bitterness is the infection that causes a short-term wound to become a long-term affliction. By nursing and reviewing over and over the terrible actions of your ex-boyfriend and how terribly you were hurt, the wound festers. Eventually, that event becomes so rooted in your thinking that it shapes the way you view every other dating relationship. So in a way, you take the infection from that cheating ex with you into every future relationship until you forgive and let it go.
5. Don't Engage in Missionary Dating.
Why do some girls continue to attract and date known cheaters? You would think that they would learn from their previous mistakes. Many times that happens because these girls have the secret desire to tame the wild man. They think they can make him a better guy. If you want danger and excitement, if you don't care about long-term committed relationships, and being cheated on doesn't bother you forge ahead. But if you are looking for love with known cheaters, then you're looking in the wrong places.
6. Don't Think You Are the Exception.
Dawn wrote: If you want to move on to the next boyfriend and you don't want the same type of guy...don't look in the same place u met the 1st BF.
The most likely guy to cheat is the one who has done it before. So you would think girls would avoid previous cheaters like the plague. But that is far from what happens. There is always another girl willing to give them a chance.
Now there are things that can happen which will change a guy at his very core, things so dramatic that his bent to cheating and his weakness for temptation are turned into rock-solid faithfulness. But rarely will that kind of change come simply from a relationship with the next girl, not even you. Taming the cheater makes a girl feel like she is better than the girl or girls who couldn't. The most common reason that girls get involved with known cheaters is that they think that they will be the exception. Don't get too carried away with flattering words about how much better you are than his last girlfriend that he cheated on.
Do Cheaters Feel Guilty?
That’s a tough question. The short answer is: it depends on the cheater.
Here’s the longer answer:
Most people feel some guilt when they do something they know is wrong. That includes people who cheat on their romantic partners. The real question is, however, do they feel guilt or do they feel remorse?
If someone feels guilty, at the very least they understand that they’ve done something “wrong.” They hurt someone they loved. If someone cheats on you, and they claim that they don’t feel guilty, that would be a) surprising and b) a sign that they have some narcissistic tendencies that make them feel entitled to behave however they please.
Assuming that someone who cheated on you “feels bad” about it, here’s another follow-up question: do they “feel bad” because they got caught or do they “feel bad” because they hurt you and believe they made a mistake? There’s an important distinction there, since many cheating situations come to light because they’re discovered, rather than the cheater coming forward on their own. If you had to catch them, and they claim to feel guilty, does that mean as much to you as it would if they confessed to you of their own free will?
That’s where remorse comes in. Guilt is simply the feeling of knowing when you did a bad thing. Remorse is when you can recognize what you did was wrong, take responsibility for it, and are willing to do whatever you need to in order to reconcile the situation. For instance, if someone is truly remorseful about cheating, that person will apologize freely rather than defend or make excuses for their actions. They may offer to make lifestyle changes and promise to seek therapy. Their actions, not just their words, will prove that they are serious about rectifying what they’ve done.
The presence of remorse doesn’t necessarily mean that you can or should save the relationship, but it’s a necessary starting point.
The Truth is You Are Exceptional
Here's the deal, no matter how GREAT you are (and you are GREAT), the issue is with him, not you. So please don't lose sight of your own self-worth. If you are loving with your whole heart and treating your guy with respect, you should receive the same in return.
I hope you know how special you are. If you are doubting yourself at all, consider this, the God of the universe can't stop thinking about YOU!
"How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me!" - Psalm 139:17-18
You deserve more! You were made for more!
For more verses of hope about God’s plan for relationships, love and sex read these Verses of Hope for Cheating in Relationships.
The end of a relationship is devastating. For help read - Moving on: How to Properly Grieve and Heal After a Breakup.
If he has no character, integrity, has hang ups, he is liar and selfish. How can he truly love you as a person. He is going to continue to move on to different women. Be thankful that you found out before you considered marrying him.
I have been dating this guy now for 7 months. He has a 2 year old with another woman. He lost his mom at age 11 and his father did drugs and was in and out. He said he was in love with the mother of his baby but she cheated on him. We started dating and he moved in to my place. We both had jobs and then he lost his. Our relationship went down hill after that. He cheated on me once and when I confronted him he flat out lied to me it hurt after awhile he told me the truth now when he is on his phone I think he might do it again it’s the constant fear that he will again I don’t trust him anymore and it’s hard but I m trying to move past it but it’s hard
I had to double check your name because I thought I was writing this. Minus having a child, my 7 month boyfriend was gonig through a divorce and separated when I met him. He was staying at my house frequently while his wife stayed in their house. He stayed there at times when she was gone as she was also dating someone. After 2 months he didn't come over to my place and ignored my calls for a day and a half. Then he made up some elaborate explanation that he was in training all day at work. He wasn't. He had met a girl in a bar that night and cheated on me with her. She was texting him the next day and he was responding and they were talking about meeting up again. He deleted her number in front of me but I'm sure she's text again. He lives with me now that his house is sold and comes back early every night but I still fear hes up to no good during the day. On top of it he lost his job 2 months ago and I've been supporting him, feeding him, giving him gas money. It's pathetic. I feel like his mom, not his girlfriend. He finally admitted he cheated and that it was revenge sex to get back at his wife (who the woman he cheated with looked like) and it was on his ex wifes bday. So I feel alone and neglected as he rarely pays attention to me. He comes and goes as he pleases and if I text him or call, he rarely answers or responds so I've stopped texting him altogether. I think it's time I pull the plug and instead of worrying about where he's going to live, worry about myself and my wellbeing. Advice?
I dont really have advice. I can just say that I completely understand you and how you are feeling. Im in a really similar situation right now. Stay strong
Leave. Revenge sex...while he is in a relationship...with YOU.
Yes!!! Get rid of him fast!!! He is a loser!!!!
I dated a man and moved in to share his home yet he was always either benignly flirting and also cheating and then his old girlfriends came out of the woodwork- he'd cry and say he didn't know what to do- his old girlfriend was visiting NY and he wanted to not hurt her feelings as she wanted to get together- he'd ask me how I felt I told him it would hurt me when he'd see someone but also I wasn't his mother- so I left and he'd call and call and always cry how sorry he was- I was a very young 25 year old and I always justified his behavior as he was left an orphan as a small child. So I went back and we married.
Though he never cheated again, he did become a heavy drinker and our lives were (from my point of view) lonely- two strangers who had a awful history.
So I just want to say, even if flirting seems benign, it is far from it-it is disrespectful and is just an opening to other things.
If someone loves and respects you there is no room for beig sadistic and painful and that's what flirting means to me.
Save yourself a lifetime of heartache and find someone who doesn't have a wandering eye.
My ex fiancé was a very good liar and extremely good at manipulating the situation and people’s emotions to his advantage. We were together for 6 years and have a 2 year old son. A few months ago he suddenly didn’t want to make things work out between us because of arguments. He left and said for me to leave him alone and he can think about everything. Well little did I know he had been seeing another woman and left me and his son for her. He never told me until 2 weeks ago (just before Christmas) and then a few days later he told me that he had cheated on me during our relationship 3 times (I reckon he’d been cheating throughout our relationship). Since I found out about it his lies and constant manipulation has rocked me to the core and ended up moving back home to my parents because I’ve been so hurt. I feel that my entire relationship has been a lie. I had even brought my wedding dress and he had no intentions or interests in actually marrying me at all. I’ve realised that it’s not me it’s all been about him and his issues in relationships because I’m not the first girlfriend he’s cheated on. Some advice??
Someone wise told me once, after my 'time' with a cheater that it wasn't fake or a lie- All the feelings I or you had for the person in question were real feelings on your part nothing was a lie- I hope you can take solace in that and know what you felt was real- the rest is just his loss.
Jen good advise, even-though they were cheating every part of your emotional input into the relationship was real and true, it was the cheater who was fake and selfish, taking what they needed for them-self with out regard to the consequences to anyone else.
Well my boyfriend went away for 3 months on his birthday i sent him a video telling him how i felt he blocked me ..i begg his friends to have him msg me.he finally did.and said he wanted nun to do with me i asked him to be friends .he said okay.everyday after that he have been insulting me and making me feel bad..i found out i was pregnant and asked him to make things worked.he moved on and never told me but he still says his inlove with me and want to be with me