How to Handle Cheating
Do Relationships Survive Cheating?
Cheating often means the end of the relationship for people who are dating or married. Cheating is a violation of trust, and that betrayal is often sustained by multiple lies told over a long period of time. Since there are a lot of unhealthy patterns behind cheating, deciding to rebuild a relationship with someone who cheated on you is risky. It is important, before jumping back into that relationship or pursuing a new relationship, to understand the impact cheating has had on your view of relationships, your own self-esteem, and your ability to trust people. This will likely take time to explore and understand, and the guidance of a counselor or mentor is helpful if you feel overwhelmed.
If you have cheated on your partner, and they found out, it is important to apologize and ask for forgiveness. But remember: pressuring your partner to take you back is not a kind or loving choice. They will need time to heal, and you will need time to understand the impact of your own choices. Whether you were cheated on, or you cheated on someone, you are not doomed to repeat history. With support, you can grow and move forward with a healthier understanding of yourself and your relationships.
Reactions to Cheating
Have you been cheated on? How did you react? Was it an emotional rollercoaster rotating between rage, disbelief, and grief? I imagine at one point or another all of these thoughts crossed your mind:
"How didn't I know? How could I be so dumb?"
"I hate them."
"I need to make that no-good cheater pay, and I have several ideas about how to do that."
"Am I really that worthless that he/she would hurt me like that?"
"I need to find a guy/girl who appreciates me, right now! I deserve better. And I need to make them jealous."
"I miss him/her so much. How am I going to live without them?"
It is always painful when relationships come apart. But when cheating is involved it is usually far more painful for one person than the other, and cheating makes a painful situation so much worse. It leaves a person feeling completely disrespected. The ability to trust can be lost. It is rejection on a whole different level.
So, what do you do if you've been cheated on? How do you get past the pain and get on to the next part of your life?
Let's start out with a few things you SHOULD NOT do.
Six Things Not To Do When You've Been Cheated On
1. Don't waste time trying to get even.
One of the ways girls get back at their cheating ex is to spread rumors that are not true. It might make you feel better for a little while, but in the end, you just make yourself look even more devalued. It may not seem that way to you, but it sure looks that way to everyone else. Don't lower yourself by retaliating, but say to yourself, "I'm too good for that."
Some people try to retaliate by doing something to hurt themselves. That doesn't make much sense, but it still happens. Girls have been known to date guys they do not like at all in order to get back at the guy they love.
2. Don't rebound in the same direction.
Cory wrote: Take your time moving on. Also, don't just jump into a relationship the minute you're single. Moving on takes time and drowning your sadness out by forcing yourself into a relationship might not be the best idea...Stay positive. Even try staying single for a few months to figure out what you want, who you don't want, and keep an open mind about relationships and people.
No matter how you try to cover it up, people who are cheated on almost always feel they have been disrespected, devalued, or cheapened in other people's eyes. It is a lot like that sickening feeling you get when someone makes some terribly nasty comment about you. Feeling a big hole inside that is screaming to be filled, the temptation is to quickly fill that void with another boyfriend. However, finding another boyfriend ASAP (as soon as possible) may not be the best way to find a guy AGAP (as good as possible). You might wind up in another cheating relationship.
Dawn wrote: If you want to move on to the next boyfriend and you don't want the same type of guy...#1 don't do or look in the same place u met the 1st BF. I believe deeply that before another relationship is established you must 1st be mentally, emotionally and spiritually ready because a new boyfriend no matter how great can't make u achieve that level of completeness necessary to handle the challenges of a relationship!
3. Don't bear other people's guilt.
When people cheat, it is their decision and their responsibility. However, the ones cheated upon are often left wondering what they did wrong. When parents separate, it is the children who often wind up feeling guilty. Certainly, one person can be responsible in part for someone leaving a relationship, but in cheating, the cheater is totally responsible for his or her actions. We really never get away with anything. Ultimately, we will all answer to God for everything we do, say, and think.
4. Don't let a bad wound fester.
Kaitlyn wrote: Well, never rush into a relationship cuz then so many things go bad and wrong and someone ends up hurt. and as for a healthy way to move on, just try to forget the guy and either relax and enjoy being single or start looking for a new guy.
Being cheated on cuts very deep. Though it may not seem so now, wounds do eventually heal. If, however, they are allowed to get infected, the infection can cause more long-term damage than the initial cut. Bitterness is the infection that causes a short-term wound to become a long-term affliction. By nursing and reviewing over and over the terrible actions of your ex-boyfriend and how terribly you were hurt, the wound festers. Eventually, that event becomes so rooted in your thinking that it shapes the way you view every other dating relationship. So in a way, you take the infection from that cheating ex with you into every future relationship until you forgive and let it go.
5. Don't Engage in Missionary Dating.
Why do some girls continue to attract and date known cheaters? You would think that they would learn from their previous mistakes. Many times that happens because these girls have the secret desire to tame the wild man. They think they can make him a better guy. If you want danger and excitement, if you don't care about long-term committed relationships, and being cheated on doesn't bother you forge ahead. But if you are looking for love with known cheaters, then you're looking in the wrong places.
6. Don't Think You Are the Exception.
Dawn wrote: If you want to move on to the next boyfriend and you don't want the same type of guy...don't look in the same place u met the 1st BF.
The most likely guy to cheat is the one who has done it before. So you would think girls would avoid previous cheaters like the plague. But that is far from what happens. There is always another girl willing to give them a chance.
Now there are things that can happen which will change a guy at his very core, things so dramatic that his bent to cheating and his weakness for temptation are turned into rock-solid faithfulness. But rarely will that kind of change come simply from a relationship with the next girl, not even you. Taming the cheater makes a girl feel like she is better than the girl or girls who couldn't. The most common reason that girls get involved with known cheaters is that they think that they will be the exception. Don't get too carried away with flattering words about how much better you are than his last girlfriend that he cheated on.
Do Cheaters Feel Guilty?
That’s a tough question. The short answer is: it depends on the cheater.
Here’s the longer answer:
Most people feel some guilt when they do something they know is wrong. That includes people who cheat on their romantic partners. The real question is, however, do they feel guilt or do they feel remorse?
If someone feels guilty, at the very least they understand that they’ve done something “wrong.” They hurt someone they loved. If someone cheats on you, and they claim that they don’t feel guilty, that would be a) surprising and b) a sign that they have some narcissistic tendencies that make them feel entitled to behave however they please.
Assuming that someone who cheated on you “feels bad” about it, here’s another follow-up question: do they “feel bad” because they got caught or do they “feel bad” because they hurt you and believe they made a mistake? There’s an important distinction there, since many cheating situations come to light because they’re discovered, rather than the cheater coming forward on their own. If you had to catch them, and they claim to feel guilty, does that mean as much to you as it would if they confessed to you of their own free will?
That’s where remorse comes in. Guilt is simply the feeling of knowing when you did a bad thing. Remorse is when you can recognize what you did was wrong, take responsibility for it, and are willing to do whatever you need to in order to reconcile the situation. For instance, if someone is truly remorseful about cheating, that person will apologize freely rather than defend or make excuses for their actions. They may offer to make lifestyle changes and promise to seek therapy. Their actions, not just their words, will prove that they are serious about rectifying what they’ve done.
The presence of remorse doesn’t necessarily mean that you can or should save the relationship, but it’s a necessary starting point.
The Truth is You Are Exceptional
Here's the deal, no matter how GREAT you are (and you are GREAT), the issue is with him, not you. So please don't lose sight of your own self-worth. If you are loving with your whole heart and treating your guy with respect, you should receive the same in return.
I hope you know how special you are. If you are doubting yourself at all, consider this, the God of the universe can't stop thinking about YOU!
"How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me!" - Psalm 139:17-18
You deserve more! You were made for more!
For more verses of hope about God’s plan for relationships, love and sex read these Verses of Hope for Cheating in Relationships.
The end of a relationship is devastating. For help read - Moving on: How to Properly Grieve and Heal After a Breakup.
i went to through my boyfriend phone and i saw his chat with his crush, he was calling her sweet names. then she asked about his relationship with me he told her that i am his coworker. pls i need advice i dont know what to do
Girl I’m going through the same thing rn. Leave his ass. I was so so so in love. We dated for 2 years. But we don’t deserve that. Nobody does. You can do better. I know you can
Just busted mine with 2 different girlfriends! One of them he told I was his aunt. He's trying to look single, so let him be! I know it's hard but it doesn't get any better with him.
So my boyfriend of 2 years cheated on me with a married lady.i found out through pictures in his laptop where they were both naked on bed.I confronted him and said its true he cheated and he was mad because i went through his stuff.He claims he cant find himself living with me in the same house because i like snopping around his things.Also i told him cheating is unacceptable because there are diseases involved and he started telling me that i gave him yeast infection and he didnt dump me.I just wonder is yeast infection the same thing as Stds or Hiv.he really said hurtful things to me yet all i did was love him and support him but all he sees is me going through his stuff.Im in the wrong
Omg, I’m sorry to hear that. It seems like your partner is a gaslighting you. I just recently went through something similar with my bf of 4 years... he said I lived in the past and my insecurities pushed him to contact another woman.. but in reality he didn’t make me feel secure.. you know when a woman has a gut feeling of things? Yeah I felt that through out the years. There were things that didn’t add to me..and I had the facts, messages. Search histories on Facebook but he always made me believe I was wrong and looking for dirt so although he would lie about small things that I knew about, I decided to keep quiet bc I loved him, although my gut was telling me otherwise.
I hope you feel better and I am on the same boat right now..
No a yeast infection is not an std. He is a jerk and was just looking for a cheating excuse. He did you a big favor!!! Better now then being married with children. women get them for different reasons. Hormones play a part. To much sugar can bring it on. Antibiotics also cause yeast infections .
I’m truly devastated. My bf has been lying and cheating on me for a couple months. I found out about the female and questioned him to which he replied they were “just friends”. I truly wanted to believe him and tried desperately to come to terms with the idea that he was in fact friends with this girl. But boy was I wrong, i later found that they were were texting each other, meeting up on a regular bases, saying “I love you” to each other, sexually flirting and without a doubt having sex. I retrieved a bunch of their messages to each other and I literally went numb. I sent him a screenshot of every converstion they had to basically let him know that you can stop lying now, I know everything. He flipped out and of course tried to say that I was snooping and that he was done with me. Which is laughable because did he really think that I would want him after all that I’ve uncovered about his cheating? Anyway. Till this day, i feel completely hopeless and empty. So far, he has sent me one text message proclaiming how “sorry” he is and that he “loves me so much” and calls me on a blocked number from time to time, but has not even begun to make amends in any real way or really understand the severity of what he has done. This makes me even more angry and heartbroken and unable to heal. I’m honestly barely able to cope with it all. I feel like I just feel worse everyday that goes by.
same here girl :-/ I hope he gets what he deserves.
Hi, desire.. I’m on the same boat as well... 🙁 it’s really rough..
Time heals all wounds. Stay away from him. He is a loser!! He did you a favor. When you love someone you do not do that. You never want to hurt the person you love like that. Someone better will come along. Dont give him so much power. Be strong and take your power back!!! Move on.
I dated a man for 8 years. He was my heart, soul, and entire world, and made me believe I was his. Long story short, I found out yesterday that 6 months ago he cheated on me with an escort. He had spent the entire day with me, claimed to be tired and went home; left an hour later and spent 2 hours at a hotel. I saw his GPS history, it was all there. He denied it. I'm reeling and devastated. Couldn't even man up and admit it.
Dump him!! All the std’s that are out there!! Gross! Move on!!!
Am going to a sound old school but my mom has always told me a man is a man from the waist down. That means a man is going to do what he wants and who he wants anyway just stay humble and don't stress over anything.
To make a comment here, helps me to move forward in my embarrassment and shame knowing the man I let into my life for 2 years, introduced to my adult children and proudly took to family functions, after being the single person for too many years to number cheated on me for the entire time we were dating.
I am still reeling from discovering the extent of his cheating, lies and deception he lead to cover up what he was doing behind my back, every chance he had.
I loved every part of him, and gave my heart openly and freely, I adored him and told him what an amazing man he was, I respected him and supported him on all levels. I was with him when we anxiously waited for his prostrate cancer results all the time reassuring him I would be by his side if he need to have more invasive treatment, I was by his side while his elderly mother underwent brain surgery. I loved his family and was always interested in all their lives, making nice bonds with them all.
Today I found out the shocking truth of all the times he cheated on me first time we had met 2 years back until today, he was messaging women from, tinder, Bumble, Plenty of Fish and even his mates wives, arranging dates and making more dates. I am left in a state of numbness as how a man could act in the manor while he professed to loving me and wanting no harm to affect me. I am dong my best not to break down in rage and lash out at him I am doing my best to block him from my mind and actions and be positive he only stole 2 years from me.
Hi meg,
I’m really sorry to hear that and you aren’t alone.. I’m going through the same boat.. expect he said he contacted another woman because my insecurities pushed him to do it..and it hurt to the core that he would do something to hurt me out of spite.. I had insecurities because we would constantly fight and he would always pack his things and tell me the relationship was shit and that I was manipulating, selfish, insecure.. but I had my reasons for my insecurities in which I truly felt he never understood.. it feels like an empty painful feeling. And a part of me wants him back but s bigger part of me knows that I don’t deserve someone who will hurt me out of spite... feel free to contact me. It’s good to talk things out
Honestly not all men cheat so that is not true. There are alot of good men out there. I know people married for 50 yrs and i know they have never cheated. You just have t found the right one yer.
Just have to find the right one!