My Boyfriend Cheated on Me - 6 Things NOT To Do

 

How to Handle Cheating

Do Relationships Survive Cheating?

Cheating often means the end of the relationship for people who are dating or married. Cheating is a violation of trust, and that betrayal is often sustained by multiple lies told over a long period of time. Since there are a lot of unhealthy patterns behind cheating, deciding to rebuild a relationship with someone who cheated on you is risky. It is important, before jumping back into that relationship or pursuing a new relationship, to understand the impact cheating has had on your view of relationships, your own self-esteem, and your ability to trust people. This will likely take time to explore and understand, and the guidance of a counselor or mentor is helpful if you feel overwhelmed.

If you have cheated on your partner, and they found out, it is important to apologize and ask for forgiveness. But remember: pressuring your partner to take you back is not a kind or loving choice. They will need time to heal, and you will need time to understand the impact of your own choices. Whether you were cheated on, or you cheated on someone, you are not doomed to repeat history. With support, you can grow and move forward with a healthier understanding of yourself and your relationships. 

Reactions to Cheating

Have you been cheated on? How did you react? Was it an emotional rollercoaster rotating between rage, disbelief, and grief? I imagine at one point or another all of  these thoughts crossed your mind:

"How didn't I know? How could I be so dumb?"

"I hate them."

"I need to make that no-good cheater pay, and I have several ideas about how to do that."

"Am I really that worthless that he/she would hurt me like that?"

"I need to find a guy/girl who appreciates me, right now!  I deserve better. And I need to make them jealous."

"I miss him/her so much. How am I going to live without them?"

It is always painful when relationships come apart. But when cheating is involved it is usually far more painful for one person than the other, and cheating makes a painful situation so much worse.  It leaves a person feeling completely disrespected. The ability to trust can be lost.  It is rejection on a whole different level.

So, what do you do if you've been cheated on? How do you get past the pain and get on to the next part of your life?

Let's start out with a few things you SHOULD NOT do.

Six Things Not To Do When You've Been Cheated On

 

1. Don't waste time trying to get even.

One of the ways girls get back at their cheating ex is to spread rumors that are not true.  It might make you feel better for a little while, but in the end, you just make yourself look even more devalued. It may not seem that way to you, but it sure looks that way to everyone else. Don't lower yourself by retaliating, but say to yourself, "I'm too good for that."

Some people try to retaliate by doing something to hurt themselves. That doesn't make much sense, but it still happens. Girls have been known to date guys they do not like at all in order to get back at the guy they love.

2. Don't rebound in the same direction.

Cory wrote: Take your time moving on. Also, don't just jump into a relationship the minute you're single. Moving on takes time and drowning your sadness out by forcing yourself into a relationship might not be the best idea...Stay positive. Even try staying single for a few months to figure out what you want, who you don't want, and keep an open mind about relationships and people.

No matter how you try to cover it up, people who are cheated on almost always feel they have been disrespected, devalued, or cheapened in other people's eyes. It is a lot like that sickening feeling you get when someone makes some terribly nasty comment about you. Feeling a big hole inside that is screaming to be filled, the temptation is to quickly fill that void with another boyfriend. However, finding another boyfriend ASAP (as soon as possible) may not be the best way to find a guy AGAP (as good as possible). You might wind up in another cheating relationship.

Dawn wrote: If you want to move on to the next boyfriend and you don't want the same type of guy...#1 don't do or look in the same place u met the 1st BF. I believe deeply that before another relationship is established you must 1st be mentally, emotionally and spiritually ready because a new boyfriend no matter how great can't make u achieve that level of completeness necessary to handle the challenges of a relationship!

3.  Don't bear other people's guilt.

When people cheat, it is their decision and their responsibility. However, the ones cheated upon are often left wondering what they did wrong. When parents separate, it is the children who often wind up feeling guilty. Certainly, one person can be responsible in part for someone leaving a relationship, but in cheating, the cheater is totally responsible for his or her actions. We really never get away with anything. Ultimately, we will all answer to God for everything we do, say, and think.

4.  Don't let a bad wound fester.

Kaitlyn wrote: Well, never rush into a relationship cuz then so many things go bad and wrong and someone ends up hurt. and as for a healthy way to move on, just try to forget the guy and either relax and enjoy being single or start looking for a new guy.

Being cheated on cuts very deep. Though it may not seem so now, wounds do eventually heal. If, however, they are allowed to get infected, the infection can cause more long-term damage than the initial cut. Bitterness is the infection that causes a short-term wound to become a long-term affliction. By nursing and reviewing over and over the terrible actions of your ex-boyfriend and how terribly you were hurt, the wound festers. Eventually, that event becomes so rooted in your thinking that it shapes the way you view every other dating relationship.  So in a way, you take the infection from that cheating ex with you into every future relationship until you forgive and let it go.

5. Don't Engage in Missionary Dating.

Why do some girls continue to attract and date known cheaters? You would think that they would learn from their previous mistakes. Many times that happens because these girls have the secret desire to tame the wild man. They think they can make him a better guy. If you want danger and excitement, if you don't care about long-term committed relationships, and being cheated on doesn't bother you forge ahead. But if you are looking for love with known cheaters, then you're looking in the wrong places.

6. Don't Think You Are the Exception.

Dawn wrote:   If you want to move on to the next boyfriend and you don't want the same type of guy...don't look in the same place u met the 1st BF.

The most likely guy to cheat is the one who has done it before. So you would think girls would avoid previous cheaters like the plague. But that is far from what happens. There is always another girl willing to give them a chance.

Now there are things that can happen which will change a guy at his very core, things so dramatic that his bent to cheating and his weakness for temptation are turned into rock-solid faithfulness. But rarely will that kind of change come simply from a relationship with the next girl, not even you. Taming the cheater makes a girl feel like she is better than the girl or girls who couldn't. The most common reason that girls get involved with known cheaters is that they think that they will be the exception. Don't get too carried away with flattering words about how much better you are than his last girlfriend that he cheated on.

Do Cheaters Feel Guilty?

That’s a tough question. The short answer is: it depends on the cheater.

Here’s the longer answer:

Most people feel some guilt when they do something they know is wrong. That includes people who cheat on their romantic partners. The real question is, however, do they feel guilt or do they feel remorse?

If someone feels guilty, at the very least they understand that they’ve done something “wrong.” They hurt someone they loved. If someone cheats on you, and they claim that they don’t feel guilty, that would be a) surprising and b) a sign that they have some narcissistic tendencies that make them feel entitled to behave however they please.

Assuming that someone who cheated on you “feels bad” about it, here’s another follow-up question: do they “feel bad” because they got caught or do they “feel bad” because they hurt you and believe they made a mistake? There’s an important distinction there, since many cheating situations come to light because they’re discovered, rather than the cheater coming forward on their own. If you had to catch them, and they claim to feel guilty, does that mean as much to you as it would if they confessed to you of their own free will?

That’s where remorse comes in. Guilt is simply the feeling of knowing when you did a bad thing. Remorse is when you can recognize what you did was wrong, take responsibility for it, and are willing to do whatever you need to in order to reconcile the situation. For instance, if someone is truly remorseful about cheating, that person will apologize freely rather than defend or make excuses for their actions. They may offer to make lifestyle changes and promise to seek therapy. Their actions, not just their words, will prove that they are serious about rectifying what they’ve done.

The presence of remorse doesn’t necessarily mean that you can or should save the relationship, but it’s a necessary starting point.

The Truth is You Are Exceptional

Here's the deal, no matter how GREAT you are (and you are GREAT), the issue is with him, not you.  So please don't lose sight of your own self-worth.  If you are loving with your whole heart and treating your guy with respect, you should receive the same in return.

I hope you know how special you are.  If you are doubting yourself at all, consider this, the God of the universe can't stop thinking about YOU!

"How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me!" - Psalm 139:17-18

You deserve more!  You were made for more!

For more verses of hope about God’s plan for relationships, love and sex read these Verses of Hope for Cheating in Relationships.

The end of a relationship is devastating. For help read - Moving on: How to Properly Grieve and Heal After a Breakup.

Dawson McAllister
Dawson McAllister, also known as America's youth pastor, was an author, radio host, speaker, and founder of TheHopeLine. McAllister attended Bethel College in Minnesota for undergraduate work where he graduated in 1968, began graduate studies at Talbot School of Theology in California, and received an honorary doctorate from Biola University.
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309 comments on “My Boyfriend Cheated on Me - 6 Things NOT To Do”

  1. My husband and I have been together since I was 15. We married at 22 which was stupid, we were way too young. He is a musician and sings in 2 different bands. After we had a couple of kids I wasn't able to get out to his shows anymore. I got a call from an anonymous chick telling me he was cheating on me with some woman and sure enough found her number in his phone. He swore to God she was just a hair stylist who was going to cut his hair for him, but I knew he lied. So I got pregnant with baby number 3 to make him stop. I almost left him and never let him see his daughter and wish I had the guts to go through with leaving him. Fast forward 17 years later and I think life is going great. I was diagnosed with cancer 7 years before and beat it! I was fulfilling my career dreams by getting my bachelor's degree and got into an amazing competitive grad school. We talked it all through first. I would be extremely busy commuting to NYC every day, the workload would eat up all my free time, he would need to help out a lot more at home. He agreed to everything. 7 months into school I catch him cheating on me again with another groupie bar chick. His excuse was he needed an ego boost because I was too busy with school work! This one is a secretary. You're going to give up an educated speech language pathologist for another bimbo? Bye! Go live with your mama little man because I'm done. Now he's begging to get me back and says I'm destroying our family and our kids? I realize that he's just the same immature kid as when we first started dating. I'm raising your 3 kids, I'm not raising you too. He thinks we're working it out. After I graduate and get my first job, I'm packing my things and leaving a note. My close friends may think I'm stupid for staying (no sex, separate beds, and no more bands!), but I'm using him to pay my bills while I'm in school. Once I'm done, I'm dropping him like a bad habit. Cheaters don't change. Everyone thinks I'm married to the greatest guy in the whole world, because I've hidden what he's done from almost everybody. No, I'm just saving it all up for when I leave his sorry a**! Nobody deserves a cheat! do what you need to do to get yourself together and move on!

  2. I found out my boyfriend Cheated on me in October from rumors. I looked through his phone and found the messages the rumors were true. He wants me to forgive him but I have been cheated on before and he wants to get jealous when i hang with a guy but told me not to worry when he hangs with a girl. I want to forgive him but Im just so hurt. He has been hidding this from me for months. I found out on Valentine's day too. I dont know what to do I am just so hurt. I dont know if he still talks to her or works with her.

  3. I have been cheated on twice now once with my ex husband who cheated with someone we work with, he lied so much, would leave me at home with his daughter and take days off from work without telling me. I ended that as soon as I found out and had all the evidence and I was so much happier once that was over.

    I met my current ex and soon to be baby daddy 3 years after being divorced and we hit it off so fast and we’re in separable the first year was so great and then problems would come about and it felt like we were breaking up and getting back together every month, I was so in love with him and fought so hard for us and I thought we were doing better till recently I found a girl hearting his pics on Facebook so of course being curious I look at her page and there it all was pics of her at his families ranch, pics of her picking him up from work, them in her car, pics from this last Christmas where he had just spent Christmas Eve with me and my family but he was with her on Christmas Day, pics at places I was supposed to be at with him but he would tell me he wasn’t going anymore. All these lies for months since August apparently and we didn’t offically break up till New Years this year. Of course he denied at first then the real him came out blaming me, but yet here I was all these months still helping him out with money and rides cuz the past almost 2 years he hadn’t worked. I can’t forgive him those pictures just keep playing in my head and how stupid he made me look for so long but I trying to be civil with him since our baby will be here in a few months, I’m not gonna lie I love him and I want to be a family but I know we can’t cuz he has completely lost my trust as much as I try to put it behind me I just can’t. So I don’t know what to do or feel at this point cuz I can’t just walk away like I did last time.

  4. I had been with my ex for about 3 years before I one day I went over to his place, saw a condom wrapper in the trash can, Stella Rosa in the refrigerator (he doesn't drink) and tissues with lipstick on them in the bathroom. He had cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend and I was devastated. We broke up, but I decided to give him another chance and work things out under a few conditions. He had supposedly cut ties with her, blocked her number (when he did this, she started blowing me up on Facebook messages), changed his number and we were supposed to go to therapy.

    That was almost 2 years ago. The day before yesterday, I found out he had driven about 50 miles away from where he lives, in the pouring rain to take some girl out on a date. I found out he did this on the day that I had gone out of town to my uncle's funeral. I don't know who he went with, since when I confronted him he refused to say a name he just said "You don't know her". Yeah, no ****!
    I broke up with him and I am COMPLETELY done with him. He is truly a piece of **** and I'm angry that I wasted 5 years of my life with him. I should not have given him a second chance. I would have wasted way less time if I had left him 2 years ago after the first time he cheated. Part of me feels relieved and like a big weight has been lifted off of my shoulders because for the past few months or so, I've really been noticing how much of a negative energy he has and a negative attitude that was really affecting how I felt. If I look back on the past 2 years, he really did not make much of an effort to repair my trust. We never went to therapy, he did change his number but he never addressed the underlying issue which was restoring trust.

    A few months back he adopted a really cute English bulldog puppy and I would say I'm WAY more upset about the fact that I don't get to see the dog anymore than I am about not seeing him. =(

  5. To all the women that are going through this without a child in the relationship...GET OUT ASAP. My boyfriend and baby daddy was messaging and texting his his exes and multiple other women when our baby had already been born. He would often say he wanted to have threesomes with other women, do hard drugs, hangout with his guy friends and force me to stay at home....another pattern of a cheater is that they’re very controlling. My boyfriend had no job and had me used my credit card and ebt for everything. He also was verbally abusive and physically abusive. I really loved him and wanted to make it work for our family and baby, hoping that we would one day look back at everything and laugh..But it just got worse and worse. Women, it only gets worse and worse. I didn’t believe it at first but it really does. Oh, and these guys are LIARS too. And will say what you want to hear and do what they say they wouldn’t do are would never do. I’m not saying that someone should only stay in a relationship for kids, but if you are just married or in a serious relationship, just leave and break it off before it becomes too complicated! You can do so much better. The pain and worry over a cheating, selfish, loser partner is not worth it and it does not get better except for 0.000001% of the time and believe me, I really hoped and tried. You deserve to be with someone that treats you like a queen and gives you the respect and love that you deserve. Live your life and forget about him, have fun. You will not regret leaving him without a doubt. Everyone who I know that has had a cheating partner/ someone physically/emotionally abusive and chose to leave them, is a thousand times happier and sooo glad that they left. Trust and believe you will be too!! Any woman that has kids and is going through what you’re going through would DIE to be in your position....

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