Is There Help for Love Addiction?
I have written a few articles on love addiction, and I have learned so much about it and how it affects you, me, and just about everybody else. A love addict is relatively easy to spot within ourselves and in others.
For example, if you are a love addict, you no doubt obsessively and compulsively try to relieve or medicate the deep pain in your life through romantic relationships.
Once in a relationship, you feel you can't live without the other person, and you will do whatever you have to do to keep the relationship going. If that doesn't work, you panic and will do whatever you have to do to get into a new relationship.
No one can meet our deepest needs, no matter how hard we try
Just looking at this definition makes us think of how many people, including ourselves, in one way or another fit this description. Think of all the desperate, wounded people there are on the treadmill of what they think is love, and yet they can't get off.
They're searching for someone who will heal them and make them feel whole, but that person is not out there. No one can meet our deepest needs, no matter how hard we try, but yet we keep on searching.
My mom used to say, it's like looking for a needle in a haystack. The only problem with love addiction is there isn't even a needle to be found.
It's one thing to know what love addiction is. It's still another to break away from its chains. I received a very direct and candid comment from Sarah.
Dawson, do you really think it is possible to be cured? I'm not sure. Doesn't the saying go, once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic?' So then, once a love addict, always a love addict?' I've learned how to deal with the external stuff that stems from a love addiction, but the internal struggle is often pretty intense. I don't think I am cured. I think I just learned to practice self-control in relation to the symptoms. The craving' hasn't just disappeared. How do you fix the inside stuff? (Sarah)
Yes Sarah, there are cures to love addiction. It won't be easy, but the struggle and the journey to find healthy relationships and peace are well worth it. So, let's begin.
To Get Free of Love Addiction
To get free from love addiction, we must clearly understand how deeply the cravings for love penetrate our hearts. It's what comes out of our hearts that affects everything else we do. There is no deeper emotional desire we have than to love and be loved.
King Solomon, who's been called the wisest man in the Bible, said,
Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.
Emotionally, our hearts are extremely fragile and can be easily hurt, therefore sending us in the wrong direction of life. Our innermost being started out as a beautiful creation of God, but with wrong choices we can easily trash it and leave it sick and in great need.
Picture in your mind for a moment a beautiful white carpet (perfectly white). Then picture someone coming into the room where the white carpet is, and throwing garbage, manure, and staining paint all over the carpet. The white carpet was never designed to be trashed like that. Something beautiful has become disfigured. That is a lot like our hearts. We, and other people, do not guard our hearts and therefore they become stained and damaged.
It is heartbreaking for me to see how many people simply throw their hearts away allowing themselves to be repeatedly hurt while trying to soothe their heart. They go from one relationship to another to another to another on the treadmill of tragedy.
Before long, their whole life is ruined. there is more to life than your partner. To have them playing God is too much to ask. I know because I did the same and now [my boyfriend] has hurt me and left. This was going to happen anyway, my mother left me and I leaned too much on him causing the stress on his shoulders. I don't blame him for leaving, but [what] he said hurt and I'll never get over that for those who seek something more and personal need to find it within themselves. Address the problem and take time to heal. If you don't, it could be worse, and you could lose everything plus more (Tori)
Tori is absolutely right. If you don't guard your heart, you could end up losing what's most important in life love.
So where does the healing for love addiction begin? It begins by admitting our hearts are priceless and affect every area of our lives. We must make a commitment to protect our hearts and not just throw them away looking for love in people and places where love cannot be found. Let us all respect our own hearts.
Think you may be struggling with self-worth or self-hate? Download this free eBook from TheHopeLine.
Hey Danielle. I just replied to you but I think it disappeared...no, I have not found anything that has helped really. I'm still going to the 12 step program, reading the bible now, going to church now, and still praying. I'm still with my boyfriend and the relationship has improved a lot. I read the bible to him a lot now and he's been receptive to it. He has changed a lot of his negative behaviors and we seem to be on a positive path now. We have been very happy lately. Does this mean I'm cured from love addiction? Absolutely not. I have to be honest with myself and say ok but if this for some reason doesn't work out, will I be ok alone? The answer is probably not. As far as the depression...I let a lot of his behaviors last year cause me to be depressed. This year we decided to make a fresh start which included a decision I made to be happy and not depressed so I have been happy. I have a lot in my life to be happy about and thankful for so I'm just rollin' with that while I continue my journey to be the best me I can be! If you ever wanna chat or need an ear, you can email me: dvdgauthier77@gmail.com. Good luck!
Email me please I have the same condition and experiences as you we can help each other somehow.
We can't allow you to share email addresses here for safety reasons, but you can respond to one another through these comments.
I was going to marriage counseling that was getting no where fast. She finally referred us to individual counselors to work on things before we regroup. Within the past week my "homework" has been to research love addiction. I seriously thought it was a joke. The more I read the more scared I am. I thought giving my all was the way relationships work. Not 50/50 but 100/100. Problem being i'm noticing is that I'm giving 100 and expecting something from another person who is not able to give it. I've attracted men that take advantage of my willingness to forgive and put them first. There is so much information that my mind is spinning and I have no idea where to start. I can't just break contact...I'm MARRIED! I would always say that all I asked of him was just to be nice but I didn't ever think that I was the one with an issue. I'm scared and have no idea what to do next. I've isolated my whole life for this marriage and have three kids so I can't just pick up and leave at any moment even though he does. This whole process has me looking at my home as a prison I put myself into. The thought of being without him scares me to death! Yet, when asked what he contributed or made better in my life I can't think of a thing. I know it's a long process but stuck with knowledge of what is going on and not knowing what to do it worse than just being in an abusive relationship.
I struggle with love addiction and co-dependency. I never felt loved by my mother and my father (as well as 2 other guys) sexually abused me and committed suicide. I have spent my entire life either in long relationships or being promiscuous to fill the hole inside of me. Now that I'm older, there are fewer opportunities to just go out and sleep with several guys so I tend to not leave a relationship until I meet someone else I want to be in a relationship with. In relationships, I try to be the perfect girlfriend. I'm 100% honest, I don't talk to or look at other guys, I have no guy friends, I try to meet my boyfriend's every need (sex, cooking, cleaning, budgeting, etc.) They all hurt me time and time again. Most of them are either verbally abusive, they lie, they cheat, I've even been assaulted by my current boyfriend. For me it's a constant struggle between what my mind knows I deserve and what my heart wants. Every time I try to leave, I'm ok for a few days then the withdrawals are so bad that I have physical symptoms (can't eat, feel like I'm gonna vomit, feeling like someone is stabbing me in my chest and stomach, panic attacks, etc.) I have gone to counseling, I'm in a 12-step program now, I go to church, I pray but nothing has worked. I'm on here trying to research online. I'm depressed and hopeless. I seriously don't know what to do. 🙁 I'm kind of looking for a list of things I need to start doing and stop doing at this point because I don't know when I'm being unhealthy...
I see that it's been three months since you posted this. Find anything that started to help? I completely felt everything you said! It was like I was reading my own story. With the name I actually had do a double take.
Hey Just read your post.
Hope you are doing well now 🙂
Do reply!
I have been researching love addiction for the past few days. I have come to accept and realize that I am a raging love addict. Now in the stage of withdrawals, I have been struggling to recover from the loss of my relationship with my 4 month old daughter's father. He left our relationship of 3 years 3 weeks after our child was born. The pain, self hate, desperation, and disfunction Ive been experiencing has been unreal. Up until now I chose to look at myself as the victim. How could he do this to me? I even resorted to rage and suicide attempts. Looking back on not only our relationship but every relationship in my past, I depended on him to create a sense of unwaivering security for me. He came with his own set of problems (fear of intimacy and anger) which initially made me feel as if he was my soul mate. In the beginning of our relationship we were bound by passion. But eventually reality set in for the both of us....however I was more willing to sacrifice myself in order to keep the relationship afloat. I was trapped. Not really happy because he couldn't meet my expectations...but hell bent for finding and savoring the love I WAS getting. He even told me that he was tired of being my rock. My inability to see my addiction has driven me insane. I was verbally abusive in our relationship because of his inability to meet my expectations. He was no angel either, but understanding my role has left me with unspeakable remorse. I never wanted him to leave. I wanted to grow and evolve TOGETHER. These feelings of attatchment only increased after becoming pregnant with my daughter.The hurt and pain of rejection that I feel now plus every painful moment from my past has been magnified. As far back as I can remember I have used drugs, sex, and food to help me cope with the trauma of not being able to be somebody's everything. I really care for my child's father and hate that I put that much pressure on him. All I can think about is him being with someone else and it drives me insane. He has made it clear that he does not want to be with me and although I desperately want help with my addiction I also cannot help but to feel guilty. This has sent me into a great pit of depression. Love and finding it (or losing it) consumes my entire exsistence. I can't help but to feel abandoned and unloveable. I want to fix it but don't know where to start. HELP,
praying for you. I feel you. going through same thing. The world loves you and so do I. stay strong
yes
I am going to the same. desperate. !some days are better . but again i go to check on FB > whats up etc. he has a new GF and when i knew i wanted to die. my life is a complete mess I dont find a way out. my friends beg me to stop but i can't. I loved him way to much and still he lives in me. I can't find piece.
Self discovery, self love is the answer, it is a long road but so worth it. With love, Marie
Sweet girl, PLEASE reach out to me. I am going through exactly what you're going through.
I believe I'm a love addict but don't know what to do about it. I'm in this relationship that hurts but I can't break free. The woman I'm involved with it's compassionate or affectionate. Only when it's time for sex does she open up to me. Most of the time its me begging for attention and I hate myself for appearing so weak and needy especially since I'm a guy. She's started lieing about when she has to work and I think it's because she gets tired of being around me and my unquenchable thurst for attention. I just don't know what to do and it's killing me.I honestly believe that if I were in my right mind I would have stayed broken up with her and moved on.But I can't let go of the longing to have her in my life. I'm lieing in bed now beside her while she sleeps and even though she doesn't feel good physically all I can think of is how to wake her up and get her to hold me and be kind
Lost in love, Thanks for reaching out and telling your story. You are not alone in thinking you have a love addiction. We talk to many at TheHopeLine that share your issue. We would love to listen and help you through this. Please call or chat with a HopeCoach anytime 24/7 at 800.394.4673. If you want download our free app to your phone to chat, call, email and get encouraged here is the link to download it. http://thehope.dm/thlmobileapp