Is There Help for Love Addiction?
I have written a few articles on love addiction, and I have learned so much about it and how it affects you, me, and just about everybody else. A love addict is relatively easy to spot within ourselves and in others.
For example, if you are a love addict, you no doubt obsessively and compulsively try to relieve or medicate the deep pain in your life through romantic relationships.
Once in a relationship, you feel you can't live without the other person, and you will do whatever you have to do to keep the relationship going. If that doesn't work, you panic and will do whatever you have to do to get into a new relationship.
No one can meet our deepest needs, no matter how hard we try
Just looking at this definition makes us think of how many people, including ourselves, in one way or another fit this description. Think of all the desperate, wounded people there are on the treadmill of what they think is love, and yet they can't get off.
They're searching for someone who will heal them and make them feel whole, but that person is not out there. No one can meet our deepest needs, no matter how hard we try, but yet we keep on searching.
My mom used to say, it's like looking for a needle in a haystack. The only problem with love addiction is there isn't even a needle to be found.
It's one thing to know what love addiction is. It's still another to break away from its chains. I received a very direct and candid comment from Sarah.
Dawson, do you really think it is possible to be cured? I'm not sure. Doesn't the saying go, once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic?' So then, once a love addict, always a love addict?' I've learned how to deal with the external stuff that stems from a love addiction, but the internal struggle is often pretty intense. I don't think I am cured. I think I just learned to practice self-control in relation to the symptoms. The craving' hasn't just disappeared. How do you fix the inside stuff? (Sarah)
Yes Sarah, there are cures to love addiction. It won't be easy, but the struggle and the journey to find healthy relationships and peace are well worth it. So, let's begin.
To Get Free of Love Addiction
To get free from love addiction, we must clearly understand how deeply the cravings for love penetrate our hearts. It's what comes out of our hearts that affects everything else we do. There is no deeper emotional desire we have than to love and be loved.
King Solomon, who's been called the wisest man in the Bible, said,
Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.
Emotionally, our hearts are extremely fragile and can be easily hurt, therefore sending us in the wrong direction of life. Our innermost being started out as a beautiful creation of God, but with wrong choices we can easily trash it and leave it sick and in great need.
Picture in your mind for a moment a beautiful white carpet (perfectly white). Then picture someone coming into the room where the white carpet is, and throwing garbage, manure, and staining paint all over the carpet. The white carpet was never designed to be trashed like that. Something beautiful has become disfigured. That is a lot like our hearts. We, and other people, do not guard our hearts and therefore they become stained and damaged.
It is heartbreaking for me to see how many people simply throw their hearts away allowing themselves to be repeatedly hurt while trying to soothe their heart. They go from one relationship to another to another to another on the treadmill of tragedy.
Before long, their whole life is ruined. there is more to life than your partner. To have them playing God is too much to ask. I know because I did the same and now [my boyfriend] has hurt me and left. This was going to happen anyway, my mother left me and I leaned too much on him causing the stress on his shoulders. I don't blame him for leaving, but [what] he said hurt and I'll never get over that for those who seek something more and personal need to find it within themselves. Address the problem and take time to heal. If you don't, it could be worse, and you could lose everything plus more (Tori)
Tori is absolutely right. If you don't guard your heart, you could end up losing what's most important in life love.
So where does the healing for love addiction begin? It begins by admitting our hearts are priceless and affect every area of our lives. We must make a commitment to protect our hearts and not just throw them away looking for love in people and places where love cannot be found. Let us all respect our own hearts.
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Very interesting.
I've just been reading a lot about love addiction because I'm currently experiencing intense feelings of abandonment and rejection due to an ex who I'm still friends with who rarely answers or replies to my calls, messages, or emails.
This has been the same pattern that occurred even when we were an item, and she says she loves receiving my messages, but for some reason I can't understand, she just rarely replies to them.....whatever is going on for her means she just isn't the sort of person who responds to messages much.
So given that truth you'd reckon I could accept that she cannot and will not be able to meet my need to receive replies to a message or phone call (I don't expect it instantly or even all the time, just more often than not).
Usually I'm not needy in relationships or sending lots of messages but something about her avoidant behaviour triggers deep fear within me.
I start thinking about what else she might be doing or that she must be having flirty chats with other men........none of which is based on any actual information.
I know my thinking is crazy around this stuff but no matter what I do it just seems to continue, and all the while I feel scared.
I'm in recovery from alcohol addiction so possibly I've used alcohol to mask these feelings before, and I also know I've got with partners before who were obsessively addicted to me - this helped me feel ok, but then I think they felt abandoned when I displayed avoidant behaviour.
Wow! Now I know how they felt!
In my case I think it came from being the first child of three, who was initially given huge love and affection but then after brothers came along (when I was 2 and 3 and a half) I was pretty much seen as simply another part of the logistical nightmare of life.....so though physically safe, fed, sent to school etc, I was in many ways mostly invisible unless I was causing logistical problems by being sick or naughty, or I was very very good at something. Naturally I suppose poor little me had no understanding of why I was not getting any love or affection when it had been part of me for my first two years. Now I often feel empty and at fifty years of age recognise I've always fantasised about "perfect" love that would make me feel ok.
Even the recognition that perfect love is not possible is a very painful thought to cope with.
I've written myself affirmations and prayer - basically that acknowledge myself to be whole and complete, a part of the universe, and connected with it. Then I go on to ask that I can be freed from the fear and to accept, tolerate, and love others. For me to be shown a path of kindness and humility that will allow me to be of use in some way.
So saying this does seem to calm me - at the very least the exercise of repeating it takes my focus off the object of my love addiction and back onto my value and place in life.
Maybe not a complete or perfect solution but it's a start. I so would like to grow to be emotionally self-sufficient and to feel whole without a partner so that I can one day develop a healthy relationship with a self-sufficient other, and I do believe that if I don't change this then such a future will be hard to find.
Thanks for reading. Just writing this has given me a little relief. Good wishes to all who are living in the pain of love addiction.
Paul
Thanks for sharing. It's nice to hear other's experiences and that I am not alone in my suffering. I'd glad I found this site of free dialogue because most want big bucks. Both my father and only sibling were emotionally unavailable growing up because my parents had a dead marriage and didn't divorce untiI I was 19. The past shapes the present, and the present shapes the future. I started practicing SGI Buddhism and my faith teaches that in order to change our environment, we have to change ourselves -- this is called human revolution. We also chant Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo and study which is encouraging and inspiring. This is what keeps me going.
I really dont know if someone will read this now , but i think it is an opportunity for me to get this out of my system , i've been straggling with love addiction since my childhood , i've been always trying to find love , moving from one relationship to another . I'm 26 now and it became worse .. the girls i have meet leave once they realize that im super emotional and try to please them , i've lost many opportunities because of the intense pain of addiction , i've been hurt so many times because i had chosen partners just to fulfill a need for love ... i even started to think about suicide .. im sorry for looking negative
HopeCoaches are online right now if you want to chat - http://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp/ Sometimes it helps to talk about it with someone. We are here for you!
I am sorry you are struggling with this right now and feeling discouraged. There is hope. Check out this radio call with Dawson and someone struggling with love addiction. https://youtu.be/GEa1Znev1lQ
HopeCoaches are available to chat with you 24/7. We care about you. http://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp/
I totally really relate to all of you. I have been struggling with addictions my whole life and in recent years it has turned into love addiction. I have been in very unhealthy relationships where I became extremely reliant on the other person, clingy needy and very emotional. It's been 2 months since my last relationship ended and every day is a struggle. I'm in constant pain longing for the person. It's awful.
Hi, I am completely overwhelmed because I recently had a therapy session where my therapist suggested that I am a love addict. I realize my behavior to go in and out of relationships increased after I was kicked out ( disfellowshipped) from being a part of the Jehovah's Witness religion. Everyone that I once knew as my closest family and friends had nothing to do with me because I chose to live my life differently. With that being said I constantly yearned for "true love" and to start a family of my own. Most of my 20s have been spent in unfulfilling relationships lasting no more than 9 months to 1 year only for me to jump right into another hoping for it to turn into marriage with kids, a house, etc etc... Now I am 31 years old and have found myself in love with a man who's belief system centers around Polyfidelity (loving more than one, infinite love). People who practice Polyfidelity often enter into group marriages where everyone can have as many "lovers, wives, husbands" as they desire as long as its consensual, honest, and beneficial to the entire family. He is an amazing man and probably the most incredible love I've ever experienced BUT I am terrified at being a part of a poly family and what that will mean for me. I knowingly entered into this relationship with the understanding of what he wanted his family to be and now i feel guilty, depressed, anxious, angry, and afraid... In my heart I know that I want a monogamous marriage but the fear and anxiety of letting go seems greater and greater each day. This is certainly not the "norm" and I realize that my addiction to love may have lead me to this path. Our connection and love for each other is unreal but the way we view raising a family is the deal breaker. My biggest fear is that I'm ruining my life by wanting love and family of my own so bad... to the point that I ignore what I ultimately want in my heart. Has anyone else ignored such a HUGE red flag? Am I the only one? I'm open to any helpful suggestions from this blog. Thank you so much!
Hi, are you still in this situation? I'm going through the same thing now..