To Love or Not to Love?
A lot of people read my blogs, not because I'm such a great blogger, but because the topic touches right where we live. Just about everyone reaches out to be loved, but love is full of risks. To love is to be vulnerable and therefore easily hurt by the people we love the most. God designed us to love, for He is love Himself. For us to not love others causes a certain death deep inside of us. I received a comment this week from an anonymous person.
He said,"I have a better piece of advice: Don't ever fall in love in the first place. Just don't do it. It always leads to heartbreak and it's never worth it. If you never let yourself fall in love with anyone, then you will never have to worry about getting over a broken heart. It's as simple as that."
I DISAGREE with Anonymous. Being hurt is not the worst thing that will ever happen to us. Not to love is far worse.
So how do you get over a heartbreak that will most assuredly, at some point, come your way? I have come up with 15 ways to get over a broken heart. You can read the list here:
The list includes warnings of things to avoid and ways to move on as well as things that will help you heal. In this blog, I am expanding on steps to help you heal.
How to get over a heartbreak: 6 Steps to Healing a Broken Heart
1. Take heart. You will get through this.
Having your heart broken over a relationship is going to hurt, in part because of what heartbreak does to your brain, your body, and your mindset. You could lose your appetite, as well as your desire to do much of anything but lay in bed and ache. It is possible that you may experience shortness of breath from crying. Your ribs may ache, and your eyes may swell. It’s almost like your heart will burst. Confusion might rule your brain. You might feel as bad as you have ever felt. It seems no one can help you.
But you will get through this. There are ways to move on after heartbreak. These intense symptoms begin to subside a little bit at a time, just not soon enough for you. The problem is you may be letting this one event blind you so you cannot see the good things happening in your life. Like the old retro song goes, “I can see clearly now the rain is gone.” There is a reason there are so many songs written about a broken heart. Consider the tens of millions who have gone through what you’re experiencing. They made it and so will you. So, take heart and hold on.
2. Talk to someone who cares.
I heard someone say once that 90% of good counseling is just talking out how you feel. It’s amazing how much better you feel when there’s someone you can talk to who totally understands what you’re going through. The person you are sharing your feelings with can help you feel less alone when everything feels hopeless. It’s kind of like when a guy gets hurt on the football field injuring his knee. Two of his teammates get around him and help carry him off the field. That’s what happens when you have a broken heart. When someone is there, they can help strengthen you when you hurt the most.
The people who suffer the most from heartbreak are those who have no one to help them. The wisest man in the Bible, King Solomon, said, "Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble." So, find a friend or family member, someone you can trust to keep your secrets and talk it out. You’ll be glad you did.
"Talking to someone who you know, and trust will help you greatly. A pastor or just a great friend who maybe is older than you and has more experience with heartbreaks is wonderful. They tell you how they lived and moved on and help you out very much." (Kaitlyn)
3. Allow yourself to be human and feel the pain.
One of the ways we know we are human and truly alive is that we feel pain. Going through a break-up can be very difficult. It's hard to feel such raw emotions, especially when there's no magic solution to make heartbreak go away. This proves we are human.
It is extremely important to let those raw emotions out. Find a safe place where you are comfortable and if possible, let the tears flow. It is our body’s way of ridding itself of the pain and hurt. There was a hit a while back called "Big Girls Don’t Cry" by Fergie. She’s wrong. Big girls are really healthy girls when they show emotion. Some people run from their hurts when really, they should embrace them. It’s only when we feel our pain are we able to honestly deal with it and move on. If we don’t, that pain will reappear somewhere else, usually in an unhealthy way.
"No one wants to be hurt, and when we are, our first instinct is to block it out. Unfortunately, the best ways to block something like that out is through destructive behavior like substance abuse, cutting, and the like. Even worse, the release doesn’t last, and you end up worse off than you were before." (Jonathan)
4. Take your broken heart to God.
If you're wondering how to get over the girl who broke your heart or how move on from your ex-boyfriend, you can turn to God for help. There are those who may think this bit of advice is needless. Nothing could be further from the truth. Here’s why.
You and I were created to love and be loved. When we get down to it, all we really want is to know there is someone who knows all about us and still loves us no matter what. Only God can love us this way. When we have that foundation of knowing we are loved no matter what, we can have the strength to face rejection from others. Only God can give us a deep sense of being loved because He always does, no matter what.
It says in the Bible, "I have loved you with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself." So go ahead. Tell God everything you feel about your broken heart. He is there to listen and to help heal you.
"It is very important to go to God after you’ve had a bad relationship. God is the ONLY one who will heal your broken heart." (-Osman)
5. Give yourself time to heal.
If your heart has been broken, it will take time for you to completely heal. At the time of the break-up, almost everyone thinks they will never feel normal again. But God has designed us so we will heal from wounds. It’s amazing to see how our human spirit comes back again. Some people heal faster than others. Some people’s emotions go deeper than others. The deeper your emotions, the longer it will take to heal. But sooner or later you will begin to feel alive again and you will learn to accept this new feeling. Don’t fight the healing process and you will be on your way to smiling again in no time. So be patient with yourself. You will get through this.
"The best thing in the world for a broken heart is time. It’s going to hurt for a while and some days will be better than others, but you will eventually get over the person you lost." (Lindsey)
6. Learn lessons from the experience.
It’s not if difficult things will happen to us. It is inevitable that they will. The question is can we learn from the experience? If we don’t learn, we will keep doing the same thing over and over again and getting the same response. So during this time of hurt, you might want to ask yourself some meaningful questions about your broken relationship. For example, did your relationship include these important things from both you and your partner:
- Open communication
- Sensitivity to each other's feelings
- Trust
- Ability to see things from each other's perspective
Answers to these and other questions can help you be a much deeper person, better equipped for your next relationship.
"It is always easy to remember that life goes on, no one promised it would be easy, but everything happens for a reason. And if it is something that will change your life, then let it." (Brian T.)
Also, check out my other blogs – 5 Ways to Move Forward After a Broken Heart and 4 Things to Avoid to Save You From Further Heartbreak
I am so depressed. I haven’t
loved anyone since Bari….I mean I’ve cared about people…I’ve fooled myself into
thinking I was over that part of my life, but I wasn’t….until I met someone who
scared me with all the love she showed me and poured onto me…I immediately put
up a wall that was so high I couldn’t even see the top of it. I protected
myself to the point of my demise. I used
my hands to protect myself..You see I don’t deserve to be loved…I look in the
mirror and what I see is a woman that people misunderstand. I’ve made HUGE mistakes in my life but the
one thing that wasn’t and would never be was the birth of my children. Although
my body and mind went thru a time that I completely lost myself and I ended or
should I say killed my relationship with Bari.
Yes I did the most damage here, but I do believe there were cracks in
our relationship that came to surface after the birth of our children. But I digress, back to love…or the lack of
love.
So my journey continued with a person who loved me…albeit
there was much to get used to. Our home was her house. One which others had shared in the same
fashion as I. Her nephew lived there,
due to her having to care for him and him being affected by things that were
not divulged to me. He was never
diagnosed but I see hints of Autism there…of course I am not a professional..I’m
basing this on my sons who are and the similarities in their behavior.
In either case there starts our demise…you see with all the
shadows and all my hang ups… (walls as high as mountains) I sabotaged our
relationship. She came to be a crucial
part of my life with the inclusion of my children to our dynamic. The kids LOVED her and she seemed to love
them in return. She played with them,
listened to them, cooked with my daughter helped me to no end with them..Did I
mention my boys are Autistic? It’s not every day you meet someone who accepts
all of you…or at least they seem to.
This person wanted her own child. I was done with child
bearing. I tried in a moment of weakness
to think that I could but quickly caught myself and explained myself to
her. I did not wish to have anymore and
would like to be enough for her. She would
say yes but one of many recurring arguments was that she had no children.
Long story short I told her I loved her but wasn’t in love
with her…get it?? Smh.. Well that drove her nuts. Her insecurities went sky high and my life
became a living hell with all her doubts.
But the truth was…one that of course I did not realize at the time was
that I was in love. Very much in
love. She consumed me. Every inch of my being was her. But I fought it and denied it. I ruined YET another relationship.
When Bari found out her words to me where “why don’t you let
yourself be loved? “ wow…that sounds about right. Why don’t I? Why do I kill the best part of
me? Why do I sabotage what could’ve been a lovely and beautiful love story?
Long story short…I am in agony b/c I’ve ruined it. We had a great big fight where I went far and
beyond and it’s over. I sit here in my despair
and try as I might cannot for the life of me stop crying. I go to work, I cry, I go to bed I cry, I can’t
eat and I can’t sleep. But it doesn’t matter for no matter how many tears I cry
the ending is still the same. I am once again, alone, which in itself isn’t bad,
but alone without the one I love. Heartbroken,
crumbled and a total mess of a woman.
There is no revelation at the end of this story…there’s no
happy ending…I just have to live with my mistakes and move forward. It hurts…I
think about the commercial where they say depression hurts….well I’ll be damned….it
HURTS like hell. I’m praying that I can
heal so I can breathe again….
I was with my boyfriend for over 8-9 months and we feel in love almost the moment we met. We made plans, made promises and he told me I was the one. We weren't able to spend as much time together, but he always promised he'd fight for me and be with me whatever the case. Just 3 weeks ago he said he couldn't take not seeing me anymore and had to let me go. But still could foresee a future together. It put my through an emotional spin considering I am a busy person and dedicated any of my free time to him. A week or two after that it was my birthday and he asked me to take him back and said he'd try harder and reminded me how much he truly loved me. I give people chances and I was still vulnerable so I said ok. He didn't try, he maybe tried less. I was in urgent care two days after we got back together, no call no texts, nothing. Eventually he calls me the next two days and tells me he still loves me but gives up, and won't try anymore. Now, I am worse than I have been. Keep trying to understand why this happened. I cry at work, cry myself to sleep and feel so hurt and alone. This was the only man I truly loved and he loved me back. I hope this gets better because my heart is in pieces and I think he's the only one that can mend it.
About a week ago, my first love left to go into the army, specifically basic training, a few states away. I've known about this since we started dating about a year ago, but I always clung to the idea that maybe we could do long distance, and although we didn't really talk about it, I knew that he didn't want to, as he's done long distance before and it hasn't worked out. I love and miss him so much, and while we didn't end on a bad note, and he plans to write, it hurts so much. Ever since he left, I have no desire to do anything, and feel the need to cry when I do basic self grooming, my brain going "well you don't really have anyone to do this for, so why do it?" It's hard to do anything anymore without thinking about him, and how much it's gonna suck going back to school without a boyfriend, and seeing all the other happy, affectionate couples. But, it's a little easier everyday, especially when I see the letters in the mail. I hope everyone else going through this kind of heartbreak has love and support, I know my family and friends have helped a bunch. If anyone has any good stories, or any special tips that aren't listed above, that would be amazing
Back in December, I started a relationship with a guy that I'd met earlier in the year, I was head over heels in love with him, I fell in love with him in one night. We were up all night talking on the phone, until he asked me out, and I couldn't say no to him, all it took was that one night for me to fall in love with him. He had told me he had just gotten out of a relationship DAYS before, which looking back was a big red flag. We dated around 6 months before one of our mutual friends came up to me and said that he and his ex-girlfriend had never broken up. It killed me, but I kept it to myself, because I didn't want him to know I found out, I ignored him for a while, but he kept coming back, and I couldn't stay mad at him- I was in love with him, after all. He broke up with the other a girl about a month after I found out, and for a while everything was perfect. Then I found out, there were 2 other girls in his life. I gave him so many chances until I finally couldn't do it anymore. It was not a healthy situation for me to be in, everything about our relationship was killing me, I was stressed out, I couldn't eat. We broke up about a month and a half ago, and he had a new girlfriend within 2 weeks, the part that sucks is the day he asked her out, he wanted to hang out with me, and I said no. I can't help but think what would have happened if I hung out with him that day. I'm depressed, I cry all the time, I never sleep, because I dream about him. I don't think I'll ever be able to get over him.
Hi everyone, my recent experience may not seem significant to you as this was just a high school relationship. I'm currently in the middle of year 12 and I was dating my last boyfriend for about six months. He and I had been friends since the start of high school and at the start of the year we just decided to give a relationship a shot. It was a mistake on my part as he told me that with his last girlfriend he just suddenly lost feelings for her. Even knowing this I just didn't believe that it would happen to us because she had caused him so much misery through the relationship. I tried everything for him and sacrificed so much. I made him smile when he thought he couldn't and he did all of those things for me too. Things were going so well for us and we were happy but then it just ended. One day he was saying how much he loved and cared for me and how he was so excited for our future and then literally the next day he ended it because he "lost feelings" for me. I live about two hours away from him and we had made the distance work for so long, he was about to get his P plates and he would be able to visit when ever. So naturally I am devastated. It happened about two days ago so this is still so fresh. I just feel really emotionally conflicted. Because of this distance I don't really have any friends I can talk to. I've got my family but sometimes it's just not the same. The added stress of school is also not really helping. This is the most crucial time of the year for me school wise and I just don't know how to focus when everything makes me think back to him. I have moments where I'm fine and then I just suddenly feel so bad that I just break down.This has not been my first relationship but it was the best. The fact that I thought we were going so well just adds to the hurt. Anyway, I just don't know how to distract myself or heal properly. I don't really have anyone that I can talk to at any given time. I just don't know how to cope very well. Some help or any kind of advice would be so nice. Sorry for such a long and detailed story.