To Love or Not to Love?
A lot of people read my blogs, not because I'm such a great blogger, but because the topic touches right where we live. Just about everyone reaches out to be loved, but love is full of risks. To love is to be vulnerable and therefore easily hurt by the people we love the most. God designed us to love, for He is love Himself. For us to not love others causes a certain death deep inside of us. I received a comment this week from an anonymous person.
He said,"I have a better piece of advice: Don't ever fall in love in the first place. Just don't do it. It always leads to heartbreak and it's never worth it. If you never let yourself fall in love with anyone, then you will never have to worry about getting over a broken heart. It's as simple as that."
I DISAGREE with Anonymous. Being hurt is not the worst thing that will ever happen to us. Not to love is far worse.
So how do you get over a heartbreak that will most assuredly, at some point, come your way? I have come up with 15 ways to get over a broken heart. You can read the list here:
The list includes warnings of things to avoid and ways to move on as well as things that will help you heal. In this blog, I am expanding on steps to help you heal.
How to get over a heartbreak: 6 Steps to Healing a Broken Heart
1. Take heart. You will get through this.
Having your heart broken over a relationship is going to hurt, in part because of what heartbreak does to your brain, your body, and your mindset. You could lose your appetite, as well as your desire to do much of anything but lay in bed and ache. It is possible that you may experience shortness of breath from crying. Your ribs may ache, and your eyes may swell. It’s almost like your heart will burst. Confusion might rule your brain. You might feel as bad as you have ever felt. It seems no one can help you.
But you will get through this. There are ways to move on after heartbreak. These intense symptoms begin to subside a little bit at a time, just not soon enough for you. The problem is you may be letting this one event blind you so you cannot see the good things happening in your life. Like the old retro song goes, “I can see clearly now the rain is gone.” There is a reason there are so many songs written about a broken heart. Consider the tens of millions who have gone through what you’re experiencing. They made it and so will you. So, take heart and hold on.
2. Talk to someone who cares.
I heard someone say once that 90% of good counseling is just talking out how you feel. It’s amazing how much better you feel when there’s someone you can talk to who totally understands what you’re going through. The person you are sharing your feelings with can help you feel less alone when everything feels hopeless. It’s kind of like when a guy gets hurt on the football field injuring his knee. Two of his teammates get around him and help carry him off the field. That’s what happens when you have a broken heart. When someone is there, they can help strengthen you when you hurt the most.
The people who suffer the most from heartbreak are those who have no one to help them. The wisest man in the Bible, King Solomon, said, "Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble." So, find a friend or family member, someone you can trust to keep your secrets and talk it out. You’ll be glad you did.
"Talking to someone who you know, and trust will help you greatly. A pastor or just a great friend who maybe is older than you and has more experience with heartbreaks is wonderful. They tell you how they lived and moved on and help you out very much." (Kaitlyn)
3. Allow yourself to be human and feel the pain.
One of the ways we know we are human and truly alive is that we feel pain. Going through a break-up can be very difficult. It's hard to feel such raw emotions, especially when there's no magic solution to make heartbreak go away. This proves we are human.
It is extremely important to let those raw emotions out. Find a safe place where you are comfortable and if possible, let the tears flow. It is our body’s way of ridding itself of the pain and hurt. There was a hit a while back called "Big Girls Don’t Cry" by Fergie. She’s wrong. Big girls are really healthy girls when they show emotion. Some people run from their hurts when really, they should embrace them. It’s only when we feel our pain are we able to honestly deal with it and move on. If we don’t, that pain will reappear somewhere else, usually in an unhealthy way.
"No one wants to be hurt, and when we are, our first instinct is to block it out. Unfortunately, the best ways to block something like that out is through destructive behavior like substance abuse, cutting, and the like. Even worse, the release doesn’t last, and you end up worse off than you were before." (Jonathan)
4. Take your broken heart to God.
If you're wondering how to get over the girl who broke your heart or how move on from your ex-boyfriend, you can turn to God for help. There are those who may think this bit of advice is needless. Nothing could be further from the truth. Here’s why.
You and I were created to love and be loved. When we get down to it, all we really want is to know there is someone who knows all about us and still loves us no matter what. Only God can love us this way. When we have that foundation of knowing we are loved no matter what, we can have the strength to face rejection from others. Only God can give us a deep sense of being loved because He always does, no matter what.
It says in the Bible, "I have loved you with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself." So go ahead. Tell God everything you feel about your broken heart. He is there to listen and to help heal you.
"It is very important to go to God after you’ve had a bad relationship. God is the ONLY one who will heal your broken heart." (-Osman)
5. Give yourself time to heal.
If your heart has been broken, it will take time for you to completely heal. At the time of the break-up, almost everyone thinks they will never feel normal again. But God has designed us so we will heal from wounds. It’s amazing to see how our human spirit comes back again. Some people heal faster than others. Some people’s emotions go deeper than others. The deeper your emotions, the longer it will take to heal. But sooner or later you will begin to feel alive again and you will learn to accept this new feeling. Don’t fight the healing process and you will be on your way to smiling again in no time. So be patient with yourself. You will get through this.
"The best thing in the world for a broken heart is time. It’s going to hurt for a while and some days will be better than others, but you will eventually get over the person you lost." (Lindsey)
6. Learn lessons from the experience.
It’s not if difficult things will happen to us. It is inevitable that they will. The question is can we learn from the experience? If we don’t learn, we will keep doing the same thing over and over again and getting the same response. So during this time of hurt, you might want to ask yourself some meaningful questions about your broken relationship. For example, did your relationship include these important things from both you and your partner:
- Open communication
- Sensitivity to each other's feelings
- Trust
- Ability to see things from each other's perspective
Answers to these and other questions can help you be a much deeper person, better equipped for your next relationship.
"It is always easy to remember that life goes on, no one promised it would be easy, but everything happens for a reason. And if it is something that will change your life, then let it." (Brian T.)
Also, check out my other blogs – 5 Ways to Move Forward After a Broken Heart and 4 Things to Avoid to Save You From Further Heartbreak
It's only been 5 days and we have never really boke up for a length of time. I just need a supportive team to help me through my choice to break up. He really hurt me and I dont understand why men choose to lie and not tell you things that are important. I just SMH it just doesn't make any sense... Ugh. I am hurt. I feel like a problem and a inconvenience.
I wasn't in a long term relationship like most of you, but I started dating a guy and our future seemed very promising. He would talk about future plans for us from family to traveling, and I foolishly got my hopes up. We were compatible and I was everything he needed (his words) I really liked him, felt the same way and saw a future with him. After about two months of dating, my mother felt (intuition) that I should discuss what our status was (BF/GF?). I told my mom that I didn't feel it was necessary at the time, but she planted the seed in my mind and I went ahead and brought up "status" in a way that was not too pushy. I told the guy that other men were interested in taking me out (the truth), but I left them in limbo because I was unsure of our status. The guy told me it was ok for me to date others if I wanted to and that "what will be, will be". Though I originally did not feel the need to discuss status so soon, his response was shocking and unpleasant to me. I thought he really like me as much as I like him. Had he asked me that same question, I would have told him that I would have a problem with him dating other women. Needless to say, everything went downhill from there. He was out of the country when we had that discussion and when he came back he didn't want to see me, and hasn't seen me since. I was so excited about him coming back so that I could see him, so you could only image how hurt I was when he declined my company. After pulling teeth for conversation and one disastrous phone call, he told me that he realized how much he missed his ex after dealing with me. Later the story turned into " It's not my ex, you were just moving too fast for me." Idk which is the truth (if either of them are) and I've stopped trying to figure it out. My gut tells me I was a rebound, which we specifically talked about at the start of our dating. He told me that I was not a rebound because he "doesn't do the rebound thing". He used me to try and get over his ex, but it didn't work, so he went back to her. Kinda sounds like he just doesn't want to be alone which is dangerous. I got hurt because he tried to make me something I will never be, his ex. This hurts so bad because the guy before him did the same thing to me.... I am have a great relationship with God, so I am doing my best to lean on him at this time. This all happened with the current guy over a 5 month period, but if hurts like it was 5 years. Our last exchange was last night, and I gave him a piece of my mind (In a respectable way). I understand he was going through something, but he wasted my time and reopened a wound I had healed. I am just trying to learn from this situation.
My fiancé and I have been together for years. Just recently I found out that he has been cheating on me with my best friends baby mama. It's harder then ever right now. I gave up everything just to come here. If everything happens for a reason, this better be a good one.
Recently I found out my fiancee is a fraud and has been lying to me from the beginning. I feel like the best of me has died.
To me, honesty and loyalty are paramount in a relationship. If I don't have this I have nothing.
My heart and soul have been ripped out of my chest.
She has no idea, I am officially calling off our wedding, our entire friendship and relationship, this weekend. We have been engaged for almost a year and a half. She lied, she cheated, and she used me. I am devastated because I believed in her. I have not been unfaithful or dishonest with her. I strongly believe in monogamy.
I have never been a quitter so suicide is never an option although the fleeting thought of death has crossed my mind; I cannot go out as a coward and I would never give her the satisfaction. As long as I am alive she will have to live with what she has done, and ultimàtely suffer the consequences of her actions. Karma is an untamed bitch. What you do to others, will always come back to you ten fold. I take refuge and comfort in this, and above all, in God and in prayer! I truly adore her and there was nothing I wouldn't do for her... Until now. Once the glass has shattered into a million pieces you can not put it back together. You simply have to start out with a fresh new glass.
I have been literally locked away in my home for three weeks grieving, suffering privately, and praying. I think the best thing I can do is move on and jump back up on the horse asap. But in my heart, I know I probably won't, because it will be hard for me, to ever trust again.
When you are young you have your whole life a head of you, but in my case, life is behind me swiftly slipping away. Something in me has died and it's taken the best of me with it. Though overwhelmed with pain and grief, life must go on.
And although I feel this horrible pain, I know soon, I will grow numb; And become as a silouhette and shadow on the walls; An entity existing in a world without, rhyme, reason or purpose. And soon, all this will behind me too.
Am confused, angry, and hurt. Not to mention, stung by the humiliation I will have to face, when my family and friends find out. I haven't spoken to her in over à week for fear that I may say or do something stupid in anger. But the time has come and tomorrow will be a new day for the both of us. My world is about to come crashing down at my feet and there will be no pieces left to salvage and rebuild. I came into
this world alone, I leave alone.
Mikey, That was incredibly well written. I am feeling the same way. I have been off the market for 10 years after getting hurt. The, last October, a guy got hired as my office mate and we sort of began something as he was going through a divorce. I didn't mean for it to happen, but I totally fell in love with him. He is a fearless, intelligent, sexy man and was kind to me. He made it clear that we couldn't be a couple, and I agreed to be his "special' friend. Time has gone by, he left the company and works somewhere else. We now see each other maybe, once a month, few phone calls and now the texting has slowed to a trickle. I can't say I have caught him in many lies, but, he just doesn't tell the truth. I just found out he is getting ready to move out of state and I am overwhelmed with grief. He has just turned me off like a switch and I need his strength, but I know that no amount of begging or rational discussion is going to change that. I am in my mid 50s and the clock is winding down on this gay man. I have no support at all and must deal with this myself. I am so sad all the time. I hate working in the same office that we shared. The happiness and fun we had in here serve as painful reminders every time I enter.
Like other people have say, his infrequent texts trigger dopamine in my brain and I feel relief for a few moments until I realize they are just super brief generic texts that offer NO insight into what he is doing, who he is seeing, what he plans on doing.
He will be leaving at the beginning of October, so, in 3 weeks, I will make him meet with me and tell him I cannot be his "boy". I will block him, delete his texts and pictures as these will only hurt me in the long run.
I can't express to anyone, except you people, how defeated, ANGRY, used, hurt and lonely I am. I, too, have given thought to ending this sad life, but, I will try to be optimistic even though I KNOW he will forget about me completely a week after he moves.
I thought about doing something really awful that would totally mess up his life and could easily do it, but, what's the point? Besides, he would kill me . Seriously.
I hurt someone I deeply love last Friday and I've been feeling horrible myself. Weve been together for 10 months, my man is full of secret since we met, every time I discovered I convinced myself that I understand him and stand by him, but now more secrets to reveal and he is traveling soon where his another world I'm not in. When I found out I felt betrayed by him, I couldn't hold my heart back like I normally can do, instead caught his lie out loud. Because it is true he went so mad and scary, we haven't communicated since then.