To Love or Not to Love?
A lot of people read my blogs, not because I'm such a great blogger, but because the topic touches right where we live. Just about everyone reaches out to be loved, but love is full of risks. To love is to be vulnerable and therefore easily hurt by the people we love the most. God designed us to love, for He is love Himself. For us to not love others causes a certain death deep inside of us. I received a comment this week from an anonymous person.
He said,"I have a better piece of advice: Don't ever fall in love in the first place. Just don't do it. It always leads to heartbreak and it's never worth it. If you never let yourself fall in love with anyone, then you will never have to worry about getting over a broken heart. It's as simple as that."
I DISAGREE with Anonymous. Being hurt is not the worst thing that will ever happen to us. Not to love is far worse.
So how do you get over a heartbreak that will most assuredly, at some point, come your way? I have come up with 15 ways to get over a broken heart. You can read the list here:
The list includes warnings of things to avoid and ways to move on as well as things that will help you heal. In this blog, I am expanding on steps to help you heal.
How to get over a heartbreak: 6 Steps to Healing a Broken Heart
1. Take heart. You will get through this.
Having your heart broken over a relationship is going to hurt, in part because of what heartbreak does to your brain, your body, and your mindset. You could lose your appetite, as well as your desire to do much of anything but lay in bed and ache. It is possible that you may experience shortness of breath from crying. Your ribs may ache, and your eyes may swell. It’s almost like your heart will burst. Confusion might rule your brain. You might feel as bad as you have ever felt. It seems no one can help you.
But you will get through this. There are ways to move on after heartbreak. These intense symptoms begin to subside a little bit at a time, just not soon enough for you. The problem is you may be letting this one event blind you so you cannot see the good things happening in your life. Like the old retro song goes, “I can see clearly now the rain is gone.” There is a reason there are so many songs written about a broken heart. Consider the tens of millions who have gone through what you’re experiencing. They made it and so will you. So, take heart and hold on.
2. Talk to someone who cares.
I heard someone say once that 90% of good counseling is just talking out how you feel. It’s amazing how much better you feel when there’s someone you can talk to who totally understands what you’re going through. The person you are sharing your feelings with can help you feel less alone when everything feels hopeless. It’s kind of like when a guy gets hurt on the football field injuring his knee. Two of his teammates get around him and help carry him off the field. That’s what happens when you have a broken heart. When someone is there, they can help strengthen you when you hurt the most.
The people who suffer the most from heartbreak are those who have no one to help them. The wisest man in the Bible, King Solomon, said, "Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble." So, find a friend or family member, someone you can trust to keep your secrets and talk it out. You’ll be glad you did.
"Talking to someone who you know, and trust will help you greatly. A pastor or just a great friend who maybe is older than you and has more experience with heartbreaks is wonderful. They tell you how they lived and moved on and help you out very much." (Kaitlyn)
3. Allow yourself to be human and feel the pain.
One of the ways we know we are human and truly alive is that we feel pain. Going through a break-up can be very difficult. It's hard to feel such raw emotions, especially when there's no magic solution to make heartbreak go away. This proves we are human.
It is extremely important to let those raw emotions out. Find a safe place where you are comfortable and if possible, let the tears flow. It is our body’s way of ridding itself of the pain and hurt. There was a hit a while back called "Big Girls Don’t Cry" by Fergie. She’s wrong. Big girls are really healthy girls when they show emotion. Some people run from their hurts when really, they should embrace them. It’s only when we feel our pain are we able to honestly deal with it and move on. If we don’t, that pain will reappear somewhere else, usually in an unhealthy way.
"No one wants to be hurt, and when we are, our first instinct is to block it out. Unfortunately, the best ways to block something like that out is through destructive behavior like substance abuse, cutting, and the like. Even worse, the release doesn’t last, and you end up worse off than you were before." (Jonathan)
4. Take your broken heart to God.
If you're wondering how to get over the girl who broke your heart or how move on from your ex-boyfriend, you can turn to God for help. There are those who may think this bit of advice is needless. Nothing could be further from the truth. Here’s why.
You and I were created to love and be loved. When we get down to it, all we really want is to know there is someone who knows all about us and still loves us no matter what. Only God can love us this way. When we have that foundation of knowing we are loved no matter what, we can have the strength to face rejection from others. Only God can give us a deep sense of being loved because He always does, no matter what.
It says in the Bible, "I have loved you with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself." So go ahead. Tell God everything you feel about your broken heart. He is there to listen and to help heal you.
"It is very important to go to God after you’ve had a bad relationship. God is the ONLY one who will heal your broken heart." (-Osman)
5. Give yourself time to heal.
If your heart has been broken, it will take time for you to completely heal. At the time of the break-up, almost everyone thinks they will never feel normal again. But God has designed us so we will heal from wounds. It’s amazing to see how our human spirit comes back again. Some people heal faster than others. Some people’s emotions go deeper than others. The deeper your emotions, the longer it will take to heal. But sooner or later you will begin to feel alive again and you will learn to accept this new feeling. Don’t fight the healing process and you will be on your way to smiling again in no time. So be patient with yourself. You will get through this.
"The best thing in the world for a broken heart is time. It’s going to hurt for a while and some days will be better than others, but you will eventually get over the person you lost." (Lindsey)
6. Learn lessons from the experience.
It’s not if difficult things will happen to us. It is inevitable that they will. The question is can we learn from the experience? If we don’t learn, we will keep doing the same thing over and over again and getting the same response. So during this time of hurt, you might want to ask yourself some meaningful questions about your broken relationship. For example, did your relationship include these important things from both you and your partner:
- Open communication
- Sensitivity to each other's feelings
- Trust
- Ability to see things from each other's perspective
Answers to these and other questions can help you be a much deeper person, better equipped for your next relationship.
"It is always easy to remember that life goes on, no one promised it would be easy, but everything happens for a reason. And if it is something that will change your life, then let it." (Brian T.)
Also, check out my other blogs – 5 Ways to Move Forward After a Broken Heart and 4 Things to Avoid to Save You From Further Heartbreak
what really annoys me is how everything is based on a girl being broken hearted because obviously a guy doesn't feel anything and its always the guys fault.
worst thing for me is holding out hope like clutching at straws. A friend for 2 years we then fell for each other it was a beautiful few months then with a whole lot of unforeseen stress and drama in his life he wasnt coping well with it and asked if we could go back to being friends...."for now". Im holding onto those 2 little words for dear life... FOR NOW has given me hope that something could be, but i could be delusional and it was just a turn of phrase at the time. This is eating me up along with the fact that I have probably just lost a friend
It's been almost 24 hours since I looked for an email from the guy who broke my heart. I know it's the healthiest thing I can do for myself....but it's hard. I read in a book..."does it hurt when you do that?" if the answer is "yes" the author says..." then don't do that." I'm trying not to do that. Does anyone have some ideas on how I can keep strong?
My boyfriend and I broke up a few months ago after 2 years of being off and on. He instantly moved on with a new girl even though he denies they are dating (he's lying). He calls and texts me all the time so I literally sit by the phone waiting to see a message. I totally understand your pain! Stay strong and stay busy. I work on puzzles. The time flies by and I get so relaxed doing them it's a great stress reliever. Find a hobby or even cleaning will help keep your mind off him. I'm starting a detox from him today and vowed not to answer a text again for at least a week. So I'm with you in spirit!
4 months ago the person i loved more than anything in the world broke up with me. The hardest part is we didnt fall out of love with each other but through distance. I was moving away for Uni and he said we would try and make things work, i thought after our two year relationship that we could but he didnt even try. I have felt anger, lost, alone, sad, my heart has felt physically broken and i have curled into a ball more times than id wish upon anyone. See its not been easy for me, when i was 13 i was raped, two years of PTSD and blankness followed and when i became better i got into a relationship with someone and he hit me, then i was cheated on by the following three guys to then eventually find the person of my dreams. See the heartbreak hurts because he gave me hope and he gave me everything i thought i would never have. That man healed me and i fell head over heels in love with him. I have now come to a point of still loving him but also forgiving him. He's only 19 like me and he has a whole life ahead. I was ready for something more serious but maybe he wasnt, maybe it didnt mean as much. The only thing i regret was losing my independence and becoming dependent on someone else, although this and love is a wonderful thing i wonder if it has now destroyed my future relationships and who i am as a person. I never took my past troubles into relationships even after all ive been through but i wonder now if i will. I dont really know why im writing this on here but it was a good release and i hope one day i will heal again and be able to fall in love again.
I had a partner for almost 2 years, April 2015 and now it is November 2016 but for quite a while before that date we really were quite addicted to each other. It all started in high school he caught me at a very weak point in my life and I had a boyfriend who adored me but he hurt me really bad and when my recent partner came into the picture I seem to instantly fall for him, I couldn't understand as I have never had feelings for two people at once, each day I found myself saying to myself it's just a 'phase' months went by and I fell out of love with my previous boyfriend and was completely falling head over heels for this guy. One problem my mum didn't approve of him one bit and looking back now I know why, my point is it honestly was forbidden love, but I had to be with him I was absolutely so certain of it, he had me wrapped around his finger I would do absolutely anything for him! A year later i managed to finally get away from my boyfriend as mum wouldn't let me break up with him, he said nasty things to me for no reason he didn't have any idea how I felt for this other person but I didn't want to hurt him by being with someone I didn't love anymore but I couldn't escape so I saw my opportunity and it worked. After a month or two my best friend suggested I date him in secret so I did and that lasted two months before I decided to move out of home (16 years old I was) due to home issues and I was always under constant stress about my mother finding out and what she would do to me! I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety because I moved out to live with him and his family, and one month later things got really intense and he was talking to other girls and convinced me to leave school (probably so he could get away with it) I asked him for a break just to see what he would say as I stood in front of him in tears and he said okay we are breaking up and walked out the door, I couldn't believe it he wanted to break up I was absolutely devastated.. (heartbreak 1) so I left and went on the train and sat somewhere by the water for the whole day hoping he would come home and see me gone and worry but even after all that he still wasn't home.. eventually I got my own room in the house it didn't have a wall though as it was a dining room, but I made do, (we broke up in august by the way) we eventually started talking again and we started acting like nothing happened we were doing everything like a couple except in public he was ashamed to be with me, wouldn't touch me or anything he would just act like friends on a very good day, wasn't like that at home I can assure you, this went on for months and then we stopped talking as he was going out all day and all night barely coming home and was off with a girl he had had a huge history with and I wasn't okay with it at all and I would express my feelings but he is the type of person who can do what he wants but I can't.. so I started seeing my childhood sweetheart just hanging out as friends and I stayed at his house one night and we started getting intimate and I started something I shouldn't and stopped and said I couldn't do it as I was in love with someone else who claims to love me but doesn't but it still doesn't make it okay with my heart, I vowed to never rebound again! Anyway he went away with army for 5 weeks and when he was saying bye he was really uninterested in me so I promised myself I would use this time to heal and get over him, two days later I received a phone call and he was in tears pouring his heart out to me saying he was sorry and he loved me and he wasn't having a good time and stupid me I fell for it, so those five weeks I sent letters and he sent some back whenever he could and would call when he was allowed five minutes for calls, he was always on my mind and I stared working on myself I had my hair done and extensions put in and made an effort to look really nice for when he officially became a soldier and he sent me a bear and I absolutely just lost it I was crying so much as I missed him dearly, the day couldn't come any quicker (December 10th I think) we drove 6 hours down to see him and I'll never forget when I first saw him I was so nervous and had raging butterflies because I really thought we were ready to pick up where we left off and everything would be okay, he seemed to adore me for about a day or two which he went home and started talking to his best mate who doesn't like me and has the worst influence on him but honestly I can't do anything and he went cold, he hurt me he wanted nothing to do with me again, I hated myself for letting me fall for his lies and games again. He went back to school while I was at home with no friends or family (he completely isolated me from everyone, control freak right?) anyways for 7 months we were intimate saying we loved each other and looked like we were head over heels in love well I was anyway, but he still was ashamed of me in public I would always ask for photos together or to actually be in a relationship but his excuse was always I'm not ready which I couldn't understand as it was only a title that would change but little did I know he was playing me with this girl he has had history with I didn't find out till June 2016, but at the time I had always asked him about it as I had my suspicions and I always accused him of lying to me and seeing someone else and only using me for sexual actions he would always deny it of course. We got to back together in February he finally asked me out at a theme park and I was thrilled but little did I know he was still talking to this girl.. we lasted till April 2016 and we were celebrating our "one year" which on numerous occasions I said we can't celebrate something that isn't true but he didn't listen which We broke up a little while after that for a bit but were about to get back together (June) I was hanging out with my friend and she told me he had been kissing this girl and then sexually harrassed another girl and I called him to ask and he said as if you would believe someone else and not me? And made out that I was some idiot. So I thought I would ask the girls myself and they both confirmed it for me, I called him back and asked him why he lied to me once again then he completely shut off and stared abusing me and making out that he had every right as we weren't together officially which really isn't fair on me because we celebrated our one year which turns out you have to be together for that and he all of a sudden changed his mind and said oh no it's nothing anymore etc I swore I'd never forgive him (heartbreak 2) he wasn't doing anything to fix it which was making me so angry and hurt so I ended up yelling at him at 3 in the morning on the phone because he wasn't fixing it and that seemed to knock some sense into him and he rode over to mine and we were out till 6 in the morning we went to maccas at 5 and got food then the next time he brought to my house a beautiful bunch of flowers how could I say no, I was mad for a long time but I don't hold grudges I said I could only be with him again if he completely cut this girl off and he agreed as he said he regrets his actions and never wants anything to do with her again.. so I thought (you will find that out soon) anyway I got back with him after a long time and then we broke up as he said he was going out to dinner with two girls which he would absolutely not be okay if I went out to dinner with two guys, I said please don't go politely and he couldn't do that so I left it to him me or them? Needless to say he chose them and that night he stayed at one of the girls house and he spent all night with her and was kissing her and who knows what else.. I found out a week later by that girl and he didn't care once again that he is continually leading me on and on.. I wasn't okay for a while but he got me flowers and soon things were okay and the same conditions is he isn't to have anything to do with her anymore once again agreed happily. But we weren't officially together as I said I needed time to think but we still continued to do everything the same as always which leads me to la
st night (20th November) I found out he has been talking to the first girl for ages behind my back and wouldn't show me the messages and his best mate has been working over time to set them up I was absolutely gutted I just sat there with tears rolling down my face I kept asking why he was so obsessed with this girl when she looks like a man? (Heartbreak 3) His year 12 formal was tonight (21st) I was meant to be his date I had spent over $600 in preparation for it, and I canceled my appointments for my hair and makeup as he told me I was no longer invited and he was taking his best mate.. which I was devastated about as I had spent so much money.. money I didn't have to spare! So I continued with my day feeling miserable and with no appetite at all, eventually I called him to find out what exactly is happening, he was rude as always and then said he expected me to still have my hair and makeup done when I was told I wasn't coming because he says it's effort with me trying to still go but why would I waste another $400? Anyway it was 3:00 and he said ok you can come to the formal if you have your hair and makeup done which I am really good at makeup so I can do it myself which I explained but no that wasn't good enough so I had 2 hours to get to the shops walking and via bus and I had to call and ask for any appointments at some places luckily there was so he said I could come so I went to the place and I was on the phone to him and he started getting really dodgy and kept saying I don't know if I want you there and making me really upset and in the end I just broke down in tears and said I'm having it done and hung up and he called me and said that I could come so I hung up and went to have my makeup done and he called me while having it done which I didn't know as I couldn't see my phone and he said that his best mate is coming while I was having it done, so when I finally saw it all I was so angry and upset as it cost me $100 for my makeup, and I started walking to my hair place and I kept trying to call him and he kept rejecting it and wouldn't answer and just sending stupid messages and I started getting really flustered as I had only 20 mins to get my hair done which was stressing me out and I wasn't going to go pay and have it done if I wasn't going anyway I bursted into tears and I tried not too and my makeup honestly went everywhere I had never seen makeup run so much, and it was beyond fixable to I ran to the bathrooms and tried to stop crying as more tears were flooding out and I messaged him and told him he wasted my time and money and my makeup and I wa starting to fix it but it was all everywhere and I absolutely just lost it and started screaming as he told me I need to go back and get it fixed and that I could come. I couldn't believe how much he has fucked with my feelings and i was just losing it and I called my mum to get me which she did and take me home meanwhile he was messaging me saying I could have fixed it when I couldn't and the only thing I wanted done was my hair but he made me miss that too, so I didn't end up going after all that and he gets to the venue and says I really wish you were here and things like he is sad and it's all my fault I didn't come.. I am not having it anymore so he went off tonight and was with this girl the whole night and it was all posted clearly so I would see and he hasn't replied to me, but I have to say he is the biggest sleaze I have ever met and I wish I hadn't and he is the cruelest person I have ever met and only cares about himself, he also abused me physically and mentally, I know he isn't for me or worth my time or pain and certainly not money, but I'm in pain here and a lot because this person was my world despite how horrible he may be and maybe because I saw some good in him a long time ago, I really hope god helps me get through this quickly and help me make peace within myself and eventually be okay, and it really helped me writing this out for people to read, please leave comments I'd love to hear from you!