To Love or Not to Love?
A lot of people read my blogs, not because I'm such a great blogger, but because the topic touches right where we live. Just about everyone reaches out to be loved, but love is full of risks. To love is to be vulnerable and therefore easily hurt by the people we love the most. God designed us to love, for He is love Himself. For us to not love others causes a certain death deep inside of us. I received a comment this week from an anonymous person.
He said,"I have a better piece of advice: Don't ever fall in love in the first place. Just don't do it. It always leads to heartbreak and it's never worth it. If you never let yourself fall in love with anyone, then you will never have to worry about getting over a broken heart. It's as simple as that."
I DISAGREE with Anonymous. Being hurt is not the worst thing that will ever happen to us. Not to love is far worse.
So how do you get over a heartbreak that will most assuredly, at some point, come your way? I have come up with 15 ways to get over a broken heart. You can read the list here:
The list includes warnings of things to avoid and ways to move on as well as things that will help you heal. In this blog, I am expanding on steps to help you heal.
How to get over a heartbreak: 6 Steps to Healing a Broken Heart
1. Take heart. You will get through this.
Having your heart broken over a relationship is going to hurt, in part because of what heartbreak does to your brain, your body, and your mindset. You could lose your appetite, as well as your desire to do much of anything but lay in bed and ache. It is possible that you may experience shortness of breath from crying. Your ribs may ache, and your eyes may swell. It’s almost like your heart will burst. Confusion might rule your brain. You might feel as bad as you have ever felt. It seems no one can help you.
But you will get through this. There are ways to move on after heartbreak. These intense symptoms begin to subside a little bit at a time, just not soon enough for you. The problem is you may be letting this one event blind you so you cannot see the good things happening in your life. Like the old retro song goes, “I can see clearly now the rain is gone.” There is a reason there are so many songs written about a broken heart. Consider the tens of millions who have gone through what you’re experiencing. They made it and so will you. So, take heart and hold on.
2. Talk to someone who cares.
I heard someone say once that 90% of good counseling is just talking out how you feel. It’s amazing how much better you feel when there’s someone you can talk to who totally understands what you’re going through. The person you are sharing your feelings with can help you feel less alone when everything feels hopeless. It’s kind of like when a guy gets hurt on the football field injuring his knee. Two of his teammates get around him and help carry him off the field. That’s what happens when you have a broken heart. When someone is there, they can help strengthen you when you hurt the most.
The people who suffer the most from heartbreak are those who have no one to help them. The wisest man in the Bible, King Solomon, said, "Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble." So, find a friend or family member, someone you can trust to keep your secrets and talk it out. You’ll be glad you did.
"Talking to someone who you know, and trust will help you greatly. A pastor or just a great friend who maybe is older than you and has more experience with heartbreaks is wonderful. They tell you how they lived and moved on and help you out very much." (Kaitlyn)
3. Allow yourself to be human and feel the pain.
One of the ways we know we are human and truly alive is that we feel pain. Going through a break-up can be very difficult. It's hard to feel such raw emotions, especially when there's no magic solution to make heartbreak go away. This proves we are human.
It is extremely important to let those raw emotions out. Find a safe place where you are comfortable and if possible, let the tears flow. It is our body’s way of ridding itself of the pain and hurt. There was a hit a while back called "Big Girls Don’t Cry" by Fergie. She’s wrong. Big girls are really healthy girls when they show emotion. Some people run from their hurts when really, they should embrace them. It’s only when we feel our pain are we able to honestly deal with it and move on. If we don’t, that pain will reappear somewhere else, usually in an unhealthy way.
"No one wants to be hurt, and when we are, our first instinct is to block it out. Unfortunately, the best ways to block something like that out is through destructive behavior like substance abuse, cutting, and the like. Even worse, the release doesn’t last, and you end up worse off than you were before." (Jonathan)
4. Take your broken heart to God.
If you're wondering how to get over the girl who broke your heart or how move on from your ex-boyfriend, you can turn to God for help. There are those who may think this bit of advice is needless. Nothing could be further from the truth. Here’s why.
You and I were created to love and be loved. When we get down to it, all we really want is to know there is someone who knows all about us and still loves us no matter what. Only God can love us this way. When we have that foundation of knowing we are loved no matter what, we can have the strength to face rejection from others. Only God can give us a deep sense of being loved because He always does, no matter what.
It says in the Bible, "I have loved you with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself." So go ahead. Tell God everything you feel about your broken heart. He is there to listen and to help heal you.
"It is very important to go to God after you’ve had a bad relationship. God is the ONLY one who will heal your broken heart." (-Osman)
5. Give yourself time to heal.
If your heart has been broken, it will take time for you to completely heal. At the time of the break-up, almost everyone thinks they will never feel normal again. But God has designed us so we will heal from wounds. It’s amazing to see how our human spirit comes back again. Some people heal faster than others. Some people’s emotions go deeper than others. The deeper your emotions, the longer it will take to heal. But sooner or later you will begin to feel alive again and you will learn to accept this new feeling. Don’t fight the healing process and you will be on your way to smiling again in no time. So be patient with yourself. You will get through this.
"The best thing in the world for a broken heart is time. It’s going to hurt for a while and some days will be better than others, but you will eventually get over the person you lost." (Lindsey)
6. Learn lessons from the experience.
It’s not if difficult things will happen to us. It is inevitable that they will. The question is can we learn from the experience? If we don’t learn, we will keep doing the same thing over and over again and getting the same response. So during this time of hurt, you might want to ask yourself some meaningful questions about your broken relationship. For example, did your relationship include these important things from both you and your partner:
- Open communication
- Sensitivity to each other's feelings
- Trust
- Ability to see things from each other's perspective
Answers to these and other questions can help you be a much deeper person, better equipped for your next relationship.
"It is always easy to remember that life goes on, no one promised it would be easy, but everything happens for a reason. And if it is something that will change your life, then let it." (Brian T.)
Also, check out my other blogs – 5 Ways to Move Forward After a Broken Heart and 4 Things to Avoid to Save You From Further Heartbreak
This is my first time posting to any type of site like this. I am one week in and in a world of hurt. I was (faithfully) married for 16 years, but our relationship began to become more like a roommate situation and had been for years. I am mid 40s, have a strong (stressful) career, and was the breadwinner in my home. I have several male friends but have never had intent to cheat. However, when I changed jobs just over a year ago the one male friend that I used to work with- and I always knew would win my heart if he tried did just that & before long we were in a full blown affair. He was married, unhappily, as well.
He was very pursuant and we had a deep connection that neither of us had ever experienced before, nor do I think we will again. He would stop mid sentence just to tell me he loved me. We are also both very affectionate and this, along with all of the other allures & similiarties drew us together in a way that I can't explain. Everyone feels that 'they are the one' at some point in their life and this was it for both him, and me. Within 2 months he told his wife he wanted a divorce and
moved out of his very nice suburban home (with a wife and 3 kids) into an apartment. We kept our relationship a secret as I knew his wife and the night we first got together she was suspicious of him getting home so late- so we knew that she would put 2+2 together.
We spent hours talking through our situations, giving each other advice, and of course physically bonding whenever possible. I felt like a teenager again & this was crazy behavior but we had our plans to do things 'right' (which is completely not what we were doing) and leave our marriages before spending a year in separate apartments & then getting a house together. He talked about marriage all the time and I was coy & pretended not to be interested.
It was my turn next, but alas, I was caught 6 months in before I could extricate myself from my marriage and both my 10 year old daughter and my then husband found out and this went very poorly. My husband bugged my car and heard all of my conversations, as well as other things. My lover was there for me, listening to every word & again we were sharing out pain, but also bonding closer than ever. We talked endlessly about our situations and were very supportive for each other. He even called me the 'love of his life'. I was his, hook, line, and sinker.
Ending my 20 year relationship, 16 year marriage was not going to be easy. My lover and I were both in situations where we were breadwinners and our respective spouses didn't want our divorces, they were not going to let us go off the hook easily.
My lover's divorce was not going smoothly, and to make matters worse his oldest child has behavioral/emotional issued that were not helping. His ex texts him endlessly telling him that every problem her or the kids have is his fault for leaving them. As this continued my resource pool of resources to talk to diminished as my parents and one key friend deemed themselves not ready to help with my emotional fragility. The only other 2 close friends I had one lived hours away (and was busy with a small child) and one was a colleague that took another job and left, so I did not see her daily as I used to. Also, my counselor took a new job through all of this so I didn't even have that.
I became more dependent on my lover, and unhealthy coping mechanisms such as alcohol in the form of drinking until I blacked out and also taking a few spills that ended up once with a black eye and once with a badly sprained wrist. It was not my proudest moment in time. My lover talked to me about the drinking, but I felt the need to continue the coping mechanism. We currently could only see each other a few times on week nights when he was at his apartment, but I still had to make excuses to my daughter - who knew I was lying. I would then have a few beers at his place to displace the guilt. Early on, we would take a few hours off of work during the week to spend time together, but as our jobs became ever more demanding we couldn't do this anymore, and it contributed to his stress with being completely overwhelmed at work which time off did not help with.
During this time both my lover and I had steep declines in our career. He so much to the point of not being sure he would have a job or be downsized day by day. I also had more stress added to my plate with a promotion that ultimately just stressed me out more. However, we were both primary breadwinners (both of our spouses worked part-time - his less than mine).
I finally got my plan in order and signed a lease for an apartment and then the rumination about how to tell my spouse (we had filed by this time) and daughter that I was moving out. My behavior became even more dependent on my lover as I would have things happen at home and then when I was out call him when we had his kids and beg him to come and get me. Of course he could not, so I would then try to 'break it off with him' in my inebriated state over the phone and he would beg me not to.
The stressors the last 2 weeks circled around my telling my family that I was moving into an apartment and his struggles with his son, and even though I couldn't see it then.... the struggles with keeping "us" going amongst all the chaos. As time went on he became more and more worried about what his (soon to be) ex would do when she found out about me & also how this would impact his children.
2 weeks ago he asked me to go to Madison with him for Easter to meet his father, but I couldn't because of my daughter, and I had also just recently been introduced to his circle of friends with him asking them to swear secrecy for the time being. We had a lot of fun together and I felt good that even though he had told his family about me, he wanted me to meet them. I had sent his mom a X-mas gift and she wrote me a nice letter back.
The guilt was becoming overwhelming for him with respect to his kids & the fear of how things were going to roll when they found out about me. I, on the other hand, had been caught and was living in a hell house of my own making. I would go from the stressful work environment to a house where the other 2 occupants at the very least hated me.
Last weekend he had an incident with his oldest calling him on Fri. night wanting him to come and pick the 16 year old up. We had been planning to spend the entire weekend together as my daughter was out of town, but I was completely understanding & told him he needed to be with his child. We then spent Sat. night together with his friends, out having a great time. That night when we got back to his apartment he dropped the bomb that he just couldn't do this anymore and the guilt with feeling as though he is not there for his kids was overcoming him. He was BREAKING UP WITH ME!
I got bucky with him, gathered my stuff, gave him his key back, and went home to my hell house. I was not convinced we were done - and was shocked on Sun. when he was sticking to his story. I proceeded to take sleeping tabs and sleep the day away. I then asked to meet him on Monday & he said that he had an hour. I missed work on Monday as I was so distraught I didn't know what to do with myself. I then again took a few sleeping pills and headed out to meet him at a bar we often went to & have a few beers. I remember very little of the conversation- except for the fact that I know I fell on the way out of the building (again not pretty). I then texted him reaming him out for leaving me this way.
Needless to say- we are not reunited and he is dropping my 'stuff' off in my vehicle tomorrow (at my request - it was an excuse to text him). So, I now have an apartment - a completely angry family- and this happens 4 days before I am supposed to move in..... he doesn't care. When he answered my request to dorp my stuff off I shared with him how bad I was struggling with this (not a smart move, I know) and his reponse was curt and hardened explaining that he just couldn't do it- he needed to simplify his life and he can't be in a relationship right now. This is the same person that one short week ago called me the love of his life and told me that he could not have made it through this without me...
I have very limited resource/friends to outpour my emotions to, and despite having my apartment (I am taking my daughter to see it tomorrow & she is doing ok) I haven't completely moved in yet. So, I have been dumped and am moving and cementing in the ending of my marriage all within 2 weeks. I had my first full on panic attack today and am seriously worried how I am going to get through this without my lover's support, not to mention the life plans we had made together. I am having a hard time getting things done at work and at this point would love nothing more than to crawl into bed and not leave for a week.
Im,48 and years old. I have always been left. My husband cheated on me a year ago. I started a new job and met a guy going through a lot of the same thing. We started seeing each other. We've been together for 9 months. Last night he broke my heart . He said he gave his heart to his wife 8 months ago and that he loves her. There is no affection in his marriage no sex no nothing. We have a,strong bond. I don't know what to do . He's the one for me I love him so much. I don't want to live without him. Why can't he love me. Whats,wrong with me that no one can love me. My life is over
Diane- I am so sorry that you are going through this- my post is very similar (struggling) It is extremely hard when we put ourselves out there (at our age- let's admit it) and give it a shot again, trust, and really give our heart.... I am right there with you as the same thing happened to me 9 days ago (but who's counting) and every day is a struggle not to text or reach out. the point is you are WORTH more and that may not seem like much now- but it is true & you need to believe it to continue to move on
I have just recently had a break up after eight years and it is the worst feeling I have ever had.I was married for thirty seven years and then I was divorced and that was ok.
Then I met the woman of my dreams and fell madly in love with her, but for those years all she wanted to do was control me and change me into her deceased husband,live in his house ,sleep in his bed on his side and even though we had separate bank accounts control my spending of which she lived with me at no cost to her.
After these years I told her we were just not getting it and she needed to leave,now my heart is broken and I know trying to get her back is the wrong thing to do and I fight myself every day not to make that call and I haven't, but God does it hurt.
She would accuse me of being interested in other women young and old and it never happened.
It's natural for us to be human and feel the pain, but what if someone has never felt happiness in love and has always been experiencing heart break every time they fall in love? Isn't that too sad for someone to keep feeling the pain without a break? Give me a break :'(
I am so lonely, hurt, lost and too old for this pain. I met a former high school lover last Jan and everything seemed to finally be perfect for me. All the lines, I adore you, I should of always been with you, you are perfect for me, and I will be with you until I die Then, last week his dog died while he was at work. Eleven years old, diabetic 3 shots a day, staph infections and he started getting down and couldn't even get up. So, three days later he leaves me while I am at hospital with a dying niece! Text only after I texted to say when are you coming home from watching games with your dad was, "I'm not! I'm leaving you". The pain is so bad I curl into fetal position and tears rack my body. Not fun at 62! All alone again. Part of me just wants to end it all.