Falling In Love with Your Best Friend - What to Do?

What to Know About Falling in Love

What Causes Someone to Fall in Love?

"Falling in love" is what drives the romances we read about or watch in our favorite shows and movies. But what does it really mean to fall in love with someone? Falling in love happens when you have strong feelings of admiration and attraction to someone you care about. It is easy, when you are new to a relationship, or new to these feelings, to see the best about a person easily. You probably prioritize the time you spend together, and share lots of time, gifts, and affection with them. Falling in love is often a joy, and it can be part of what points you toward the person that's right for you. But it's important not to rely on strong feelings of attachment alone when making decisions about dating and marriage. You want to be sure, if you feel like you're falling in love with someone, that you share compatible beliefs about life, about priorities, and about spiritual things. You want to commit to someone only if they are respectful of you, your needs, and your boundaries. And if you feel "out of love", it may not be a sign of the end of your relationship. Depending on your reasons for falling out of love, you may be able to rekindle warm feelings by getting support and talking through your relationship. 

Friendships are one of life's greatest joys. Finding someone we can share our heart with -- someone who understands and accepts us just the way we are is priceless. When we can have a deep friendship with someone from the opposite sex, it is a tremendous gift. There is so much to learn and respect about both genders. But at times these opposite-sex friendships can also be a great challenge. One of the most exciting, but frightening, barriers a friendship faces is when one person falls in love with their best friend of the opposite sex. The feelings are can be intense, and the fear of revealing them can be paralyzing.

Is dating your best friend worth the risk?

You’ve probably heard the popular saying: “Marry your best friend.” Why then is it so darn stressful to figure out whether or not to date your best friend? On one hand, the prospect of a romantic relationship with someone you already share a deep bond with can seem like a dream come true. But… What if it doesn’t work out? It’s an idea with its fair share of risks and challenges that should be carefully considered.

Dating your best friend could mean that you’d be starting your romantic relationship ahead of the game, with a foundation of trust and understanding that already exists. You know each other's quirks, preferences, and values, which can lead to a pretty seamless transition from bestie to BF or GF. That kind of  familiarity can create a strong emotional connection, since you're not starting from scratch in getting to know each other.

What’s the catch? The fear of ruining a cherished friendship. You won’t just lose a partner if things go wrong, you might lose or irreparably damage the friendship. Two heartbreaks in one go.

Dating a friend could also change the dynamics in your social circle. It could be tons of fun for your friend group when you get together, but if you break up, mutual friends might feel awkward or forced to pick sides. Instead of losing one friend in the breakup, it’s possible that you could lose several, or that your friend group will never feel quite the same way.

All that said, there’s a difference between being cautious and wise about such a big decision, and letting your fear make your choices for you. Consider this question: what if it does work out? Does the potential of finding a deeper love with a person you already know and trust outweigh the potential for heartbreak? Will you be okay with your decision, years from now, if you let fear keep you from taking a chance on something that could be beautiful? Check out this reminder to be brave from Joshua 1:9.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

We’re not meant to let fear dictate our decisions. Dating your best friend can be worth the risk if your bond is strong and you’re both committed to making it work. The transition from friendship to romance requires careful consideration and open communication. Of course there are potential pitfalls, but the reward of finding love with someone who knows you deeply can be a beautiful and fulfilling experience.

The Gut-Wrenching Challenges to Secretly Loving Your Best Friend

Laura reveals the gut-wrenching challenges she's facing being secretly in love with her best guy friend: It's been really hard because sometimes it seems like he likes me and sometimes it seems very obvious that we're just friends. It's torn my heart up on several occasions. I'm currently trying to get over him, because it's just too hard to love him from a distance. I don't want to lose our friendship as we've been through a lot together in the years we've known each other, but I'd rather save my heart for someone who I know is going to give me his heart fully in return.

It's okay to have feelings of love because of the trust you share with your best friend, but that doesn't necessarily mean you are in love. But it does mean you have the ingredients to develop awesome love which could turn into a great marriage. Someone once said great friends make great lovers. The longer you're friends, the more stable your relationship is going to be.

A lot of good friends can do things that romantic partners cannot. Friends usually say what they need to say to each other without fear, and good friends are more likely to be spontaneous with their activities.

Two Warnings if  You Think You Are In Love With Your Best Friend

When you start to feel you desire more than just a casual friendship with your best friend and you're not sure what to do next, let me offer you some advice that could strengthen both your relationship and your love for each other.
First, don't rush into a romantic relationship with your best friend. Many times, people confuse love with that other kind of caring love you feel for all of your other friends.

Second, don't spill your guts right away. You might feel like you have to share all your thoughts and feelings with the other person as soon as you start to feel something. That's usually a mistake.

Javier agrees: This girl and I have known each other for nearly seven years and we have been close friends for about three. Eventually, we did start liking each other and we went out for a month and a few weeks. After that relationship ended, I didn't feel very hurt or sad. It was odd. I found myself being freer and I got to thinking: Don't rush into [a romantic] relationship with your best friend...many times people confuse love with that other kind of caring love you feel for all of your [other] friends.

Find another good friend you can trust—someone with whom you can verbalize your deep emotions about your best friend with whom you are in love. This other friend will help you continue to show the self-control of letting a good friendship grow into an even deeper friendship. Hold your emotions and get them out in a healthy way with another friend. Why chance ruining a good thing, at least for now?

Friendship IS the start of a Real Romance

On the other hand, after you've been a good friend with him/her for some time, you should be able to read their moods. You should be able to get some sense as to whether or not the friendship has developed into more of a romance for him/her, as well as yourself. If you see these signs, you might want to begin to talk about them with the good friend you so deeply love. After all, good friends should be able to talk about nearly anything.

I think Jane has a great perspective: The only time I would recommend someone reveal their feelings is if they are SURE it is mutual. A really honest friendship will often develop into love without any conscious effort. And if he doesn't love you, isn't having a REAL, HONEST, CARING guy friend better than a boyfriend who might leave you at any moment? Friends are people who you don't have to constantly worry about leaving you for no reason. And if he cares for you and stands up for you, he already loves you in a way already. 

First and foremost, good friends should know how much each person values the other. We make the mistake of demanding that many of our relationships be all or nothing romantically. Whether the person you are in love with ends up marrying you or not, you have had the joy of experiencing real love.

Real Love

Real love is rich, pure, and self-sacrificing. To experience that kind of love with anyone is a priceless gift.

This is how the Bible describes true love: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

Isn't that awesome? This verse also describes how God loves YOU!  Trust God as He shows you whether your best friend will become your life's partner. You may want to pray to God for guidance in this relationship and even have others pray for you.

Still wondering if it's really love or friendship?  Read: How to Know if it's Really Love. 

Dawson McAllister
Dawson McAllister, also known as America's youth pastor, was an author, radio host, speaker, and founder of TheHopeLine. McAllister attended Bethel College in Minnesota for undergraduate work where he graduated in 1968, began graduate studies at Talbot School of Theology in California, and received an honorary doctorate from Biola University.
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240 comments on “Falling In Love with Your Best Friend - What to Do?”

  1. Hey im really late in this conversation but I have a big problem. Im dating on of my best friends and I have feelings for him too, but I also have feelings for another one of my other best friends. it would also be eaiser to keep the second relationship with her secret becuase i could say we were just two girls haning out. owver I don't even think shes bi, lesbian. pan.... ect. so

    1. I can relate to you first of all you never want to try to work two relationships at the same time it will blow up in your face and then you’ll be out of two relationships and your reputation will be ruined also so if you really like this girl you can try asking her innocently questions that might help you figure her dating preferences or if she is at least curious but if she is totally grossed out then you will know to just back off

  2. Hey, i am in a very confusing situation now. I am a bisexual male, and i am fairly certain my friend is straight, but lately i have been wondering if he may have some romantic feelings for me. I always feel so awkard discussing this, but anyway i didnt try to, yet i have developed a huge crush on him, and its frustrating me. I know i shouldnt, but i constantly wonder if he feels the same way, is that cause there is something there, or because i want something to be there? I have noticed a few things we have been friends for almost 3 years, and we know just about everything about the other. When we are in a group setting i dont even have to say anything, or do anything, and if he isnt already looking my way ive caught him often turning his head to see me, and i can be silent never saying a word to draw his attention to me, and when he does look at me he will maintain the eye contact, of course i always get shy or nervous and look down or away at times, ive caught him looking at me so many times dozens if not hundreds of times thats no exaggeration either sometimes i wonder if we just have really good timing and always look at eachother at the same time, or if he is just always staring at me and i dont notice it beyond the countless times when we do lock eyes, hes been doing other stuff more lately once i messaged him upset and he brought me my favorite snack on his way home from work (we live in same apartment building), and hes done that a few times with the random treats about 4 so far that i can remember. Everytime we are together it is just constant laughter throughout 90% of the conversation, when i stay over his placw its never we leave early or i leave early its always until: 3, 4, or 5, even 6, to 7am real late staying up through the night. He gets visibly angry or upset if he thinks someone offended me or is burdensome to me. Sometimes id be almost asleep from being to tired and he would gently touch my neck, or something to wake me up but the way he does it feels so careful and a bit shy at same time. Its so many things, my gut instinct tells me he does but is either afraid of what it could mean or doesnt realize it yet, ive told him before that i like him, but i noticed he never said he didnt like me either just wondered if i was confusing friendship love with romantic love he wasnt mean about it, but again i got upset and he seemed really upset by how quickly i rushed away when i noticed or thought i made a mistake jn telling him. Whenever im upset he does seem to get visibly bothered by it, so much could be interpreted as friends, but again my gut instinct tells me he does love me. I dont know how to handle this, i can feel it when he is around he calms me down instantly, and i can sense a happiness i dont know if its my own but it feels like its coming from him cause im around i can actually sense it and it causes me to just grin and be really happy the whole time hes near. I am confused. I also wonder if he hasnt or wont tell me until hes certain how i feel cause he cant handle well staying friends after admitting having feelings like that.

    1. I don’t know if you two have figured things out but if you haven’t I hope this helps. Liking a friend can be unbearable and even worse you don’t want to ruin a great thing like your friend ship but if he already knows you like him and doesn’t run away that could be a good sign and if you lock eyes that could definely be something I would try pushing it a little further but not to far like touching his hand and see how he reacts don’t do it in public though you don’t want to embaress him it can be very hard especially for guys to even admit they’re gay or bi espescially to the world when they’re still trying to figure it out for themselves just be careful because if they experiment and decide that’s not who they are it could end the friendship

  3. Excellent article. Useful research for my current story, but I think it has incredible potential in real life. God bless this author!

  4. i got friend zone by my best frend.she say she only look at me as a very precious friend and best friend and thus i got friend zone.she also said that even if she like me she would not date me as she does not want to date at such an early age.after that we did not talk much.even after that day till now we did not really talk much.last time i use to talk to her freely now i can only talk to her via social media.For 1 reason,she was afraid that the classmates would tease her mock her as the class knew about my confession.they started mocking me and her.so moral of the story:never confess to your best friend in front of your friends and classmates.had to think about her feelings and not only yours.i tried to forget her as i really love her more than anything else.sometimes it better to hurt now then hurt more in the future.

  5. I fell in love three times in total. Admittedly, the first and third times I kind of saw coming that the feelings were unrequited (the former already had a boyfriend, the latter explicitly told me I wasn't her type), but this article explains what happened to the second time, and it was the one that hurted me the most. She was a really cheerful girl from a neighboring state of mine. We talked a lot via phone, sent beautiful rtext messages almost daily, and I even gave her chocolate gifts. As it turns out, she still only saw me as a friend, because she already had a boyfriend just like the first girl. I felt so heartbroken that, only three months later, I was honest with her and told her that our friendship was unable to survive for longer, because her feelings and mine were already seen to be incompatible. She was in turn very heartbroken over this, because she DID see a devout friend in me, but I think that it was the best for both of us to terminate the link between us so I didn't have to cope with having to supress my true feelings towards her.
    Love and friendship, in many cases, are unfortunately shown to be mutually exclusive, which is a sad irony when you see how often the negative feelings (especially anger, sadness and fear) go hand in hand.
    After the end of 2008 (when the third girl rejected me), I haven't since fallen in love with anyone. I have reached age 30 last month (Octuber), and seeing how gravely deteriorated the relationship between both sexes is nowadays, I think my time for the sentimental opportunities has passed.
    Then again, with the irreveribly grave situation of my country, I have far bigger worries in my mind anyway.....

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