Navigating the Intensity: Love vs. Infatuation
Meeting someone who suddenly makes you feel alive and loved is very exciting! You may think no one has ever made you feel like this, and you can't help but be amazed at the chemistry, or electricity, between you and this new love. Many relationships start this way. But sadly, if you don't take the time to get to know each other before jumping into something serious, heartbreak can happen in the end.
Often these kinds of relationships built on infatuation can die as quickly as they spring up. Wikipedia defines infatuation as: the state of being completely carried away by unreasoning passion or love; addictive love. Infatuation usually occurs at the beginning of a relationship. It is characterized by urgency, intensity, sexual desire, and or anxiety, in which there is an extreme absorption in another.
The truth is this feeling of urgency and intensity or strong attraction toward another person is not necessarily a reliable indicator of whether you are in love or should immediately dive into a serious dating relationship.
The wisest man in the Bible, King Solomon, said, Guard your affections, for out of them come the issues of life. I see far too many people jumping into relationships and not guarding their affections, only to become confused, disillusioned, and devastated.
We need to keep telling ourselves the basic truths of a healthy and truly loving relationship.
How to Start a Healthy Relationship
The Best Dating Relationships Develop out of Great Friendships
Finding a meaningful relationship takes time. While you spend time getting to know someone as a friend, you can see more clearly whether they are right for you and you for them. There is no more valuable friend to a dating relationship than time. But sadly, many people want to feel that rush of emotion that makes them feel like they are in love. So, they push hard and quickly to feel that overwhelming emotion that says, I am in love. But is it really love?
Rushing into a relationship is always a mistake. Be patient with the process. Impatience is a sign of relational immaturity that will lead to an unimaginable amount of hurt.
The truth is that the best dating relationships develop out of great friendships.
Riah describes how rushing into a relationship has a lot of disadvantages, "First, if you go too far, you could get hurt mentally because of a bad breakup, and physically, you could get an STD or something. Just because a guy says he likes something about you doesn't mean you need to get into a relationship. Some guys can talk, but that doesn't mean you must fall head over heels for them. Because then you gave your heart away way too fast,t and you're open to being hurt very easily. To me, that is like settling for anything and you shouldn't settle for less than the best. Don't rush into something that you didn't even have time to think about."
People Don't Fall in Love; They Fall in Ditches
When you rush into a romantic relationship, you:
- Say things you don't mean.
- Make promises you can't keep.
- Dig a hole that's hard to get out of.
- Arouse expectations you can't fulfill.
- Trust your feelings rather than the truth.
- Find it easy to make wrong choices.
- Don't give the relationship time to grow in a healthy way.
- Keep looking for more emotional thrills and then invite the curse of boredom into the relationship, where everything normal starts to feel boring.
- End up spending too much time with the one you're dating and excluding your friends.
- Believe in the myth of love at first sight. There's no such thing. There's good chemistry at first sight, but not love at first sight. People don't fall in love; they fall in ditches.
Misplaced Hunger for Love Can Hurt You
The picture of relationships we see on television or in the movies doesn't allow us to see the time and commitment it takes to build a solid foundation. After a 22-minute episode or a 90-minute movie, we are left thinking that most romantic relationships happen very quickly, are extremely intense, and will last forever. The fact is that strong relationships develop slowly over time with much hard work and commitment.
Most people I talk to on my show are so anxious to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, sometimes just to feel loved. While it is a great thrill to meet someone you connect with or feel attracted to, don't let your hunger for love throw you into a situation that is going to distract and hurt you.
Amber is honest when she admits her need to always be in a relationship, "I'm quick to open my heart too early because I lack that something. I'm always told that I act immature in relationships, and I tend to push them over the edge. I do not trust men and I feel the need to test them to see if they will hurt me. When a girl is hurt by a male or she lives life with an absent father figure, there is a void in her soul and she searches high and low to fill it. If it even RESEMBLES a small taste of what has been missing, she grabs it, not being logical in her actions but so emotionally consumed that filling that void is all she sees."
Is 1 Month Too Soon to Say I Love You?
The big three words. They’re exciting. They’re scary. They mean a lot of things on top of their intended message, and their meaning changes depending on when, where, why, and to whom you say them. No pressure.
Ultimately, it’s an extremely personal decision to introduce them into a new relationship. There’s no right or wrong answer to when it’s the right time to say, “I love you.” The only truly wrong move would probably be to lie about your feelings to manipulate someone. So if there’s no right time to say “I love you,” how do you decide when you’re ready?
First, you need to get clear on what “love” means to you. When you’re young and a relationship is new, hormones and emotions are intense. You might be on cloud nine, enjoying every second that you spend with this person, thinking about them all the time, and staying up all hours to talk to them even when you aren’t together. That can certainly feel like love. But is it?
For you, does saying “I love you” imply “I want to marry you,” or is it more like “I want to be your girlfriend, and I expect you to ask me to the prom”? When you think of “love” in its truest form, do you think of something that’s only lasted four weeks? Or do you think about the sweet elderly couple who still hold hands in the park on their daily walks? Is love just a feeling that gives you butterflies, or is love also a decision and a commitment? When the butterflies are gone, does that mean you’ve fallen out of love? Or does that just mean that you and your partner have learned to trust and depend on each other in a healthy, stable way?
Here’s the thing—some couples get married within three weeks of meeting one another, have three kids, and build a lovely family. So, if you have done your due diligence, searched your soul, and determined that “love” is absolutely what you feel—it may be right to tell this person you love them! However… if it’s really love, there’s also no rush.
Even that couple who got married at three weeks would probably tell you the real love kicked in after they got to know each other, worked hard to foster their connection, and continually chose one another day after day. If you and this person share something special, chances are that waiting another day, week, or month to say “I love you” won’t ruin that.
When in doubt, talk to your partner. Tell them what’s been on your mind, and ask them if they have thought about what saying “I love you” means for a relationship. At the one-month mark, you and your partner may or may not be ready to say, “I love you.” Whether you say the words or not, use this time together to build a strong foundation through genuine connections and shared experiences. Have fun, treat each other with love, and the words will come when the time is right.
Just Slow Down
I have talked to thousands of young adults who keep making the same mistake over and over again. I tell myself if I can just get some of these tragic souls to slow down and get a hold of themselves, I can save them hours of unnecessary drama and needless suffering.
I would also recommend taking the time to pray to God and ask him to guide you as you consider a relationship with someone. This is an important decision that involves your heart. Solomon also said, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6 God wants to guide you and protect you so ask Him!
Just remember what Jessica has to say: "Don't jump in too quick, get to know the guy first. Talk to people who know him and that will help you see the real him. Make sure he has a good relationship with his family. That can tell a lot about a guy, especially the way he treats his mother."
Are you questioning if what you are feeling is real love? Read - How to Know It's Really Love.
Hi my boyfriend and I are taking a two month break he asked me this weekend to do it and I agree with him because we never got to know each other first before we started in a relationship. We met in a pub and I only had known him for a week or so before he asked me out. We are still in love with each other cos he told me he still loves and cares for me? Can you tell me if this will make our relationship stronger? Because I don’t want us to break up! And he keeps telling me this is just a break not a break up.
i dont know you or this woman, but to me it seems that she may have been unsatisfied with the sex. She may have been scared that it was moving too quickly and if that is the case I commend her for being honest before it got too deep. im just confused on why the ex boyfriend was not brought up during your many phone conversations. i also think its weird that she was digging you so much that she not only told all her friends about you but invited you 2 her "social events" before her scheduled trip 2 c u.. Then she wants 2 slow it down soooo much that she cancelled the trip y'all had initially booked? she may not be the one because now it seems like she's playing games. if she really is confused you dont need her anyway because she is not mentally ready.
Hi, I'd love your perspective on my situation.
I am a divorced male in my early 40's, after 14 years with my ex, I have been single for just over 5 years. I have had dated a fair amount, and have had 2 relationships (7 months & 11 months). In early November I was at a business event and met a girl in person that I had a professional relationship with (I am actually her business coach, so we had been speaking on a regular basis). Upon meeting her there was immediate electricity. I maintained blurry professional lines for the few day of the event, and there was only verbal flirtation.
By the way, we live a few states apart. We also both have kids, which restrict us to our current cities.
After the event we began texting and talking on the phone for 2+ hours daily. We both admitted feelings, and were excited about the future. When I stated we have to figure out schedules and plan to see each other she replied, "I know we just met, but would you like to spend Christmas together?". I am both impulsive and a take charge personality, so I immediately booked her a flight to visit for 8 days over Christmas. For days, we were doing a daily countdown, and her friend even reached out to me and told me how excited she is, and that we are "perfect" for each other.
Last week, she was surprised with a gift to attend an event with a guest. She sent me a text and asked if I wanted to join her, only 3 days away. Being the impulsive guy, I booked a ticket with excitement to see her.
I arrived at the airport to find her waiting in the airport for me. She had a couple things to do before we went back to her house. That evening we were enjoying each other's company, and it escalated to sex. The next day she had three events lined up, one was a special occasion for a friend, the second was the event which was the premise for the invite, and the final was a birthday party for her best friend.
She introduced me to all of her friends, and they clearly already knew who I was.
That night when we returned to her house and got into bed, she stated that she had to tell me something. She proceeded with, "I am not over my last boyfriend, and it's unfair to you". I am normally a talker, but decided I'd let it go, and just see how things go the following day. The next day was tense. I finally brought up that she seemed uncomfortable, and she said "I'm just not ready for a relationship". I responded, that we are just getting to know each other, and with the distance it won't be rushed anyway. We did not elaborate much further.
She drove me to the airport, and got out of the car, she embraced me very affectionately, and gave me a kiss goodbye (not romantic, but definitely not how you would kiss a friend). This week we have not been texting or talking at all, except that we did have a scheduled coaching call. I compartmentalized and maintained a very professional line on that call, though naturally there were things we laughed at, and it felt great.
She never mentioned canceling her trip for Christmas, but I assume her visiting me in a week would be pretty far-fetched based on the lack of communication. I don't want to assume though, and I would need to cancel the ticket.
So my questions are:
How do I proceed? Specifically, with the question of upcoming travel or cancel
Did she just get scared that things seemed to move so quickly?
Is there a true opportunity to pursue a relationship here, even if it's slower, or postponed for her to find her comfort?
The reason, I don't want to just walk away is.... At 44 years old, there have only been a few girls that I have "connected" with, admired, and truly felt that there is something worth pursuing. I am not a guy that will "settle", and with the rareness of finding someone that there seems to be a high level of mutual chemistry with, it's difficult to just let go. I will if I have to though.
In the same boat, did you make progress? How did it work out for you?
Hi all, I met a guy on dating app POF, he is 20 and I am 22. He is Irish and I am Malaysia Chinese. The first week we talk alot and after one week, we hangout to cinema, he paid for everything he didnt want me to pay. And we had a good time. After I get home he still texting me saying he was enjoying the movie and spending time with me. After that I fall deeper with this guy, I snap him everyday and I think is because I am too rush, sending him snap all the time and ask him out again but he rejected, he start replying my snap very late, even like 1 day just send 2 - 3 snaps. I was very upset, this kind of situation continuing for a while (he just replied 1 or 2 snaps per day) and after 4 weeks, he sent a snap saying he feel horrible and I sent him a funny snap and cheer him up. Start from that snap, he started text me back, text me very single moment he can, he even ask me out during the weekend. And yes we did have a second date, the date was amazing, we laugh so much together, we talk alot than first date, I really can feel that that moment we like each other, I was so surprise he ask me: What is your purpose on POF? I answer him I am not on this for fun, I meant sex. He said: No, I am not that kind of person I dont want sex. But what you looking for? friend or relationship? I said: Both, maybe. What about you? He said: same, I am looking for a relationship but I dont rush, we need to each other better... What this guy means if he ask a girl something like this? He even offer to walk me home like he never offer me on first date. After home, he texted me again, even said Goodnight My Queen to me. After few days we still text often, but after that he start replying slow again, I really dont know what he is thinking. I saw him on other social media liking pictures and follow girls on Instagram, but he did't reply me. Could someone safe me? Am I too rush and scare him off? or What he said to me is not really serious like he just wanna keep me if he needs me? Or should I just wait?
I think you should probably not take this "relationship" with him too seriously yet, especially considering his aloofness. If a man is into you, he will make it obvious to you and not play guessing games with you. I know it's very easy to get caught up in the excitement when they do something nice or treat you better than other times, but please remember to respect yourself and your expectations from the person you are potentially dating. Seeing as how he's active on social media following other girls, but not actively maintaining a conversation with you and keeping you in the loop about his feelings and intentions, I would move forward with caution. If you feel like you are texting him too much or coming on too strong, try winding it back a bit and focus on yourself and your hobbies or friends/family. I hope this helps.
Hi Michelle, thanks for your reply and comments. after above situation, we start texting back each other again, this time we were texting alot, be more open, I told him alot how I feel and who I really am, he said he likes the way i am, when i was overthinking most of time as we haven't meet more than a month but he still there for me saying he can put up my overthinking and said he loves about my kindness, I am beautiful, cute, innocent, etc. We keep on texting around 2 months and finally, we had our 3rd date yesterday, it was amazing, i cooked for him, we watch movie together, I was laying on his shoulder and he lays back his head on my head, and in the mid way of movie, he asked me am I okay and he kissed me a sudden, when he stop he look at me and I smile at him, he kissed my forehead, and we cuddles abit before we leave, he hug me very tight said he does't want to go he wish to stay with me. And after we come out from my house, he show me his hand and he wants to hold my hand (we did Interlocked Fingers Firm Grip Hand Holding) while walking towards the station, all along the way, in the public. He even asked to take a selfie with him under the Christmas tree as well. Once the train comes, he hug me so so tightly and hold my face with his both hands and closed-lip kiss me for goodbye in the public, even we are not couple officially. After home, he do text me back but not really quick, but he said he loves the kiss and hope he didn't over step it, and said he surprised himself as well when he kissed me and said "I missed you I miss you now". I was so happy and wish all these are a good things I am afraid of thinking whether these will be just a dream after all. Do you think there is likely he likes me and wants to take thing serious with me?
I am here to ask again is because, my friends especially my colleagues they are eldest than me, saying I should not trust this guy and get back to this guy again, maybe all things he did is just want to have sex with me, but I wish my trust to him is worth, as there is one time, he got very upset saying I did not trust him and thought he just want sex even he told me before he is not. I apologized to him and he let it go eventually. He asked me before am I still doubt him, I said no. He said no one make him coke up like that before its not just my body. I don’t know what should I do as now all things seems perfect and should I give a chance between us and see how the flows go? or this is the real world that I should not trust what he said?
I would be cautious of how he behaves and still keep strong boundary lines. Because he got very upset at your concerns, it shows some sort of insecurity on his end. A person with good intentions who wishes to start a healthy relationship with you would have taken the time to communicate and talk to you instead of getting angry. Good communication is so important in a sustainable relationship. What you decide to do has to be your choice, but I would not try to jump into physical things too quickly and would take more time to gauge where he stands. If he tries to pressure you into anything you do not want to do and is not understanding about it, be cautious of that. As soon as one person starts pressuring another in this situation, it can lead to a toxic relationship. I was in a relationship once when the guy would talk to me infrequently, never talk seriously about the status of our relationship, and only went out with me at random times. He claimed he was "bad at planning." This is false because if someone genuinely liked you, they would be able to make plans and follow through with them. He communicated with me just enough to keep me thinking that it was going somewhere, but never did anything to show a progression in the relationship. Turns out, he was seeing about 3 other girls at the same time, and had casual physical relationships with them. I was just another girl to him.
Final advice is to be cautious and set your limits. If it doesn't feel right, it probably is not. Intuition is something that is powerful and you should trust your close circle of friends and family who know you better. I ignored my friends when I was seeing this one guy. You should feel happy and excited in talking to this guy, not anxious or fearful in how he might react to your legitimate concerns.