Meeting someone who suddenly makes you feel alive and loved is very exciting! You may think no one has ever made you feel like this, and you can't help but be amazed at the chemistry, or electricity, between you and this new love. Many relationships start this way. But sadly, if you don't take the time to get to know each other before jumping into something serious, heartbreak can happen in the end.
Often these kinds of relationships built on infatuation can die as quickly as they spring up. Wikipedia defines infatuation as: the state of being completely carried away by unreasoning passion or love; addictive love. Infatuation usually occurs at the beginning of a relationship. It is characterized by urgency, intensity, sexual desire, and or anxiety, in which there is an extreme absorption in another.
The truth is this feeling of urgency and intensity or strong attraction toward another person is not necessarily a reliable indicator of whether you are in love or should immediately dive into a serious dating relationship.
The wisest man in the Bible, King Solomon, said, Guard your affections, for out of them come the issues of life. I see far too many people jumping into relationships and not guarding their affections, only to become confused, disillusioned, and devastated.
We need to keep telling ourselves the basic truths of a healthy and truly loving relationship.
How to Start a Healthy Relationship
The Best Dating Relationships Develop out of Great Friendships
Finding a meaningful relationship takes time. While you spend time getting to know someone as a friend, you can see more clearly whether they are right for you and you for them. There is no more valuable friend to a dating relationship than time. But sadly, many people want to feel that rush of emotion that makes them feel like they are in love. So, they push hard and quickly to feel that overwhelming emotion that says, I am in love. But is it really love?
Rushing into a relationship is always a mistake. Be patient with the process. Impatience is a sign of relational immaturity that will lead to an unimaginable amount of hurt.
The truth is that the best dating relationships develop out of great friendships.
Riah describes how rushing into a relationship has a lot of disadvantages, "First, if you go too far, you could get hurt mentally because of a bad breakup, and physically, you could get an STD or something. Just because a guy says he likes something about you doesn't mean you need to get into a relationship. Some guys can talk, but that doesn't mean you must fall head over heels for them. Because then you gave your heart away way too fast,t and you're open to being hurt very easily. To me, that is like settling for anything and you shouldn't settle for less than the best. Don't rush into something that you didn't even have time to think about."
People Don't Fall in Love; They Fall in Ditches
When you rush into a romantic relationship, you:
- Say things you don't mean.
- Make promises you can't keep.
- Dig a hole that's hard to get out of.
- Arouse expectations you can't fulfill.
- Trust your feelings rather than the truth.
- Find it easy to make wrong choices.
- Don't give the relationship time to grow in a healthy way.
- Keep looking for more emotional thrills and then invite the curse of boredom into the relationship, where everything normal starts to feel boring.
- End up spending too much time with the one you're dating and excluding your friends.
- Believe in the myth of love at first sight. There's no such thing. There's good chemistry at first sight, but not love at first sight. People don't fall in love; they fall in ditches.
Misplaced Hunger for Love Can Hurt You
The picture of relationships we see on television or in the movies doesn't allow us to see the time and commitment it takes to build a solid foundation. After a 22-minute episode or a 90-minute movie, we are left thinking that most romantic relationships happen very quickly, are extremely intense, and will last forever. The fact is that strong relationships develop slowly over time with much hard work and commitment.
Most people I talk to on my show are so anxious to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, sometimes just to feel loved. While it is a great thrill to meet someone you connect with or feel attracted to, don't let your hunger for love throw you into a situation that is going to distract and hurt you.
Amber is honest when she admits her need to always be in a relationship, "I'm quick to open my heart too early because I lack that something. I'm always told that I act immature in relationships, and I tend to push them over the edge. I do not trust men and I feel the need to test them to see if they will hurt me. When a girl is hurt by a male or she lives life with an absent father figure, there is a void in her soul and she searches high and low to fill it. If it even RESEMBLES a small taste of what has been missing, she grabs it, not being logical in her actions but so emotionally consumed that filling that void is all she sees."
Is 1 Month Too Soon to Say I Love You?
The big three words. They’re exciting. They’re scary. They mean a lot of things on top of their intended message, and their meaning changes depending on when, where, why, and to whom you say them. No pressure.
Ultimately, it’s an extremely personal decision to introduce them into a new relationship. There’s no right or wrong answer to when it’s the right time to say, “I love you.” The only truly wrong move would probably be to lie about your feelings to manipulate someone. So if there’s no right time to say “I love you,” how do you decide when you’re ready?
First, you need to get clear on what “love” means to you. When you’re young and a relationship is new, hormones and emotions are intense. You might be on cloud nine, enjoying every second that you spend with this person, thinking about them all the time, and staying up all hours to talk to them even when you aren’t together. That can certainly feel like love. But is it?
For you, does saying “I love you” imply “I want to marry you,” or is it more like “I want to be your girlfriend, and I expect you to ask me to the prom”? When you think of “love” in its truest form, do you think of something that’s only lasted four weeks? Or do you think about the sweet elderly couple who still hold hands in the park on their daily walks? Is love just a feeling that gives you butterflies, or is love also a decision and a commitment? When the butterflies are gone, does that mean you’ve fallen out of love? Or does that just mean that you and your partner have learned to trust and depend on each other in a healthy, stable way?
Here’s the thing—some couples get married within three weeks of meeting one another, have three kids, and build a lovely family. So, if you have done your due diligence, searched your soul, and determined that “love” is absolutely what you feel—it may be right to tell this person you love them! However… if it’s really love, there’s also no rush.
Even that couple who got married at three weeks would probably tell you the real love kicked in after they got to know each other, worked hard to foster their connection, and continually chose one another day after day. If you and this person share something special, chances are that waiting another day, week, or month to say “I love you” won’t ruin that.
When in doubt, talk to your partner. Tell them what’s been on your mind, and ask them if they have thought about what saying “I love you” means for a relationship. At the one-month mark, you and your partner may or may not be ready to say, “I love you.” Whether you say the words or not, use this time together to build a strong foundation through genuine connections and shared experiences. Have fun, treat each other with love, and the words will come when the time is right.
Just Slow Down
I have talked to thousands of young adults who keep making the same mistake over and over again. I tell myself if I can just get some of these tragic souls to slow down and get a hold of themselves, I can save them hours of unnecessary drama and needless suffering.
I would also recommend taking the time to pray to God and ask him to guide you as you consider a relationship with someone. This is an important decision that involves your heart. Solomon also said, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6 God wants to guide you and protect you so ask Him!
Just remember what Jessica has to say: "Don't jump in too quick, get to know the guy first. Talk to people who know him and that will help you see the real him. Make sure he has a good relationship with his family. That can tell a lot about a guy, especially the way he treats his mother."
Are you questioning if what you are feeling is real love? Read - How to Know It's Really Love.
No twisting of scripture here at all. This particular scripture can very well pertain to relationships. Sound advice for sure.
I need advice. Please someone give me your opinion.
So I met this guy a year back but because something had happened to him, we suddenly stopped talking to me and he lost my info and I assumed he wasn't interested in me....
A year goes by and he finds me again we get to reconnect and talk casually. After we share our interest in each other we just flirt and get to know each other...
A month passes And we become official after confessing our love. Everything seemed like it was going smoothly.. We even got to see each other after Thanksgiving, we live two hours away. However...soon within the month being together I found myself struggling, I kept ALWAYS begging him to say me passionate word's, loving word., Basically be a hopeless romantic...i yearned for that passion.. he felt it was too soon for him to act that way...or say things like that, he promised if I wait it will come naturally..and I tried so bad to hold back and wait... But it was so difficult I struggled to even go a day without him saying I love you...i practically tried forcing him to say compliment even though he refuses to, it's not in him to say things that come from his own feelings... And I respect that... But it just started getting bad to the point I would suffer and cry over it. Maybe it's insecurity...and want reassurance.
I do want to point out he is a genuine caring, humble, friendly sweet guy. He's a laid back type of guy. At first I felt maybe he doesn't understand because I'm an emotional type of person and he isn't as much..as well as me being the first girl to be with that seeks out so much attention and an emotional person. I remember desperately trying to find out why do I feel this way... Than I learned it was because I was rushing...and I wanted him so badly to shower me with his love...to feel needed, wanted, and loved...i was so afraid I would scare him away from me being so clingy.. But he still stayed and still loves me.. he leaves it up to me whether to not talk for awhile than coming back adjusting myself or just continue and hold back some of those feelings..
Both options have their edges. But I wonder if I can handle not talking to him
I believe you may be correct; you are insecure and need his reassurance. The problem with this is the insecurity will escalate and whatever he says it won't fix it. Please take time to learn more about yourself and what's causing your insecurity and heal it so you can enjoy a healthy interdependent relationship with your man. He sounds like a good catch since he is understanding and gives the distance needed not to ruin the relationship.
I would recommend you consider reading different books about co-dependence (codependent no more by Melodie Beattie) because of your need to be needed by him. Once you resolve your personal issues then you may want to read John Gottman's The Five Love Languages to see which love language your boyfriend falls into. I highly advise you look into yourself and what's causing your insecurity prior to pointing the finger at your boyfriend. Your insecurity will ruin any relationship you get into and frankly it sounds like you have a good man by your side.
I need advice. Please someone give me your opinion.
So I met this guy a year back but because something had happened to him, we suddenly stopped talking to me and he lost my info and I assumed he wasn't interested in me....
A year goes by and he finds me again we get to reconnect and talk casually. After we share our interest in each other we just flirt and get to know each other...
A month passes And we become official after confessing our love. Everything seemed like it was going smoothly.. We even got to see each other after Thanksgiving, we live two hours away. However...soon within the month being together I found myself struggling, I kept ALWAYS begging him to say me passionate word's, loving word., Basically be a hopeless romantic...i yearned for that passion.. he felt it was too soon for him to act that way...or say things like that, he promised if I wait it will come naturally..and I tried so bad to hold back and wait... But it was so difficult I struggled to even go a day without him saying I love you...i practically tried forcing him to say compliment even though he refuses to, it's not in him to say things that come from his own feelings... And I respect that... But it just started getting bad to the point I would suffer and cry over it. Maybe it's insecurity...and want reassurance.
I do want to point out he is a genuine caring, humble, friendly sweet guy. He's a laid back type of guy. At first I felt maybe he doesn't understand because I'm an emotional type of person and he isn't as much..as well as me being the first girl to be with that seeks out so much attention and an emotional person. I remember desperately trying to find out why do I feel this way... Than I learned it was because I was rushing...and I wanted him so badly to shower me with his love...to feel needed, wanted, and loved...i was so afraid I would scare him away from me being so clingy.. But he still stayed and still loves me.. he leaves it up to me whether to not talk for awhile than coming back adjusting myself or just continue and hold back some of those feelings..
Both options have their edges. But I wonder if I can handle not talking to him for a little bit..i want to do it so I can come feeling refreshed. And more confident.... But I guess I'm a little scared to do this approach..
Thank you for your time. Please enjoy the rest of your day..
I rushed into a relationship after only two weeks of infatuation- not only did I find out he lied about the mother of his child being in the picture, but that they were in a 7 year relationship where I found "I love you" text messages. He told me it wasn't like that and the intimacy and infatuation took over my brain and I believed him. 4 months down the road, after realizing I didn't even like his personality anymore, but I was so infatuated with him and our sex and comfort, he began to become abusive. He physically abused me two times in the 6th month of our relationship- I just couldn't understand why I kept taking him back. I guess all those days and nights I spent in his arms really took a toll on my judgement of Love. Finally, I did what I could to leave him, but even by the time I had left left, I found out he was seeing another girl near the end of our relationship. That alone was enough to make me stay. I got upset and didn't speak to him for 3 weeks because I knew deep down he's not for me and he is abusive! I learned from the mother of his child that he has been abusive to her, to his mother, and to other women before me. If I hadn't rushed, I wouldn't have ended up here. Right now, at this very moment. Feeling lost and hurt and in pain- and MISSING HIM. Did I mention that after 3 weeks of no contact, I finally saw him and we had sex and then he hit me because we got into a fight??? I put him in jail. He's not in jail and let me tell you what I'm feeling. At first I was happy, then I felt revengeful for the other girl not having him too. Now I just feel sad and like I miss him.
I'm on dating sites. My question is, do you think me jumping back into online dating only a week after this trauma, is bad idea? Or should I heal the sad, lonely, way?
Sincerely,
Ms. I rush way too fast.
It's really not a good idea to jump back into dating right away, online or otherwise. That's basically just getting into a rebound relationship, which in most cases do not last and can wind up with more hurt. That being said, you don't need to heal "the sad, lonely way". Keep yourself busy by hanging out with friends or taking up a hobby. You might not like this next piece of advice (and I understand why) but look into seeing a counselor. They can help you process what you're feeling and help you move on. I went through pretty much the same thing you did minus the physical abuse (he was very verbally and emotionally abusive which can be much worse). So do yourself a favor such that when you start missing him, remind yourself of how bad he really was to you and that you deserve better. And finally, keep this in mind: In order to make someone else happy, you must first be able to make YOURSELF happy.
Sincerely,
Someone who cares
My story is pretty crazy... me and a guy I've talk to from jr high ended up getting together shortly after I was in a relationship for 4 years; it wasn't planned but because of issues I had with my family at my house end up slowly staying with him and we spent a lot of time together and I moved in.. well I have a child with my ex and he also had a child with his ex. About 3 months later OUR exs are together and " dating " & I married my husband and our exs also married each other. Me and my husband now have a baby and of course our exs also decided to have a baby.. i didn't think I had any feelings for my ex but my husband seemed to think I do deep down and it interferes with our relationship. I feel like I don't know how to love like I use to.. my ex was my 1st and yes I was in love with him but we had so many problems and it didn't work out and was best to separate. I wish I didn't get married and stayed single and focus strictly on my child but now I have a baby with my husband and i feel sad because he doesn't feel loved. He feels I just list him 🙁
My life feels pretty messed up and I'm as positive as I can be most days but it saddens me because it's something I can't fix 🙁