Reaching Out for a Father
I've spent quite a bit of time talking about dealing with Father Hunger. There was so much more I've wanted to say. I mean we could spend hours talking about this important issue. So, I want to add a couple more thoughts about it. Make sure you read this blog, How to Deal with Father Hunger. It will help this blog make more sense.
1. If you are suffering from Father Hunger, then it's important, if at all possible, talk to your father about it. That may be impossible for you because you may not even know who or where your birth father is. But if you can contact him and it's safe, it's really important you communicate with him. I received a comment from Sandra this week that made a lot of sense.
Someone who is suffering from father hunger should have a talk with their father about their feelings. However, some fathers don't even want to take the time to listen to [their] child who is [dying] inside of pain I can't guarantee that it will work, but most of the time it does, and he will probably take the time to think about all this and will want to retry the father-daughter or son relationship.
I agree with Sandra. Trying to talk to your father may not work, but it's worth a try. Maybe he won't respond to you the way you hoped he would, but at least you will have a clear conscience knowing you have done everything in your power to make peace with him.
When you communicate with your father, you need to first build him up and thank him for whatever he has done for you, even if it's something very small or insignificant. I am a father, and I know from experience every father craves to be respected by their children, even if they have done horrible things. I mean, think of it. Your father has a lot of hurts too. He, no doubt, didn't have the best relationship with his father either. That is not to excuse what he has done or failed to do. It just means he needs your compassion and love too.
You may want to write out how you feel about your hurt and your relationship with him. Sometimes it's easier for fathers to read about how you feel rather than hear it directly face to face. You may want to ask your mother, or another relative, what they think is the best way to confront your father. Confronting your father will not be easy, but it could do wonders for your relationship, and help you grow as a person.
2. If you suffer from Father Hunger, begin to look for a stand-in father. You may think a stand-in father won't work for you, but I have talked to many students over the years where a substitute father or mentor has made all the difference in the world. Just knowing someone really cares for you can make a huge difference.
Laura's comment says it all: I have gotten the chance to get closer to my band director at school. He has helped me so much this year. He is like a dad to me.
But how does one go about finding a father figure? Morgan sent me some great advice: I think they should take a good, long look at their Father Hunger and ask themselves, "Is this solvable?" If it's possible to talk to their fathers about their Father Hunger, do so!! If not, I think they should go to a grandpa, uncle, or even an older brother they know loves them, and just spend time with them. Chat with them. Go to lunch with them. Everything that those suffering from Father Hunger would want to do with their dad (like go out to lunch, play sports, play a board game, etc)..It certainly wouldn't replace their dad, but it would bring some love from a male father figure into their life and fill some of that void.
Another idea in finding a stand-in father is to go to your church or place of worship. Find an older woman whom you trust and ask her to help you find a father figure. She will more likely know who would be the best stand-in father figure at your church you can trust.
I really dont have a good relationship with my dad. He never talks to me or even acknowledges my existence. We live in the same house together but he was never there for me. I’d often go weeks or months without talking to him, and when he does, he says im just another disappointment. None of my uncles really care about my existence and my grandpa on my dads side ignores that I exist because Im the daughter of the bastard’s son. My grandpa on my moms side passed away three ish years ago. I have an older brother but he raped me when I was 8 and I really dont want to be in his life. I dont have a church and im not really religious. Teachers are really out of the question because of covid. All students get now is a zoom meeting. I really struggle with wanting a dad. I know that my bio dad wouldnt love me or accept who i am so I dont really see a point in him being in my life if he’s gonna be awful. Idk. Its whatever. I find myself craving validation from my friends or just trying to fill the void i feel.
Dear Jericho...You have been through much in your life and struggling with wanting to have a good relationship with your dad is understandable. I am so sorry he does not understand your needs and that you are being treated this way. Covid has made it hard for students to find the help they need, especially in situations, like yours. I want you to know that you matter and we care about you. We are here to listen and help you with what is going on. We are here to lift you up and help you realize how important you are. There is only one you and you are unique and amazing in your own way. Would you be open to chatting online with one of our HopeCoaches? They will listen, encourage and help you through this. All you have to do to chat with a HopeCoach is to access this link: https://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp/ and click on Chat Now. It's free, confidential and judgment-free. -Taylor from TheHopeLine Team
Theres a 16 year old girl who was never daddy's little girl.She wishes to have a father figure in her life,someone trustworthy and one whom she can look up to.She's never seen him in her life...please help!
I am a Father. I have a daughter and 2 sons. And I am also married, to a kind and loving wife. My daughter doesn’t want anything to do with me due to false statements that my exwife has said. I have been back ground checked as a general contractor and am a very safe person. I want to badly be a father figure to someone who needs a loving father. Feel free to reach out to me.
Shawn M.
My dad got deported back to Mexico when I was 5... Lately I have seen many of my friends and their dads hugging. I wish I was able to hug my dad, but I cant. I wish I was able to at least talk to him, but I cant. I have been crying more than usual, like 5 times a day, I would turn the radio up loud to were I cant be heard... I would cry in the shower, wishing my dad was with me to take me through not having a mom. I did not like my mom, she was cruel and now I am in foster care. I wish I can call my dad...
Richard My first two fathers walked out. My mother was very strong. She kept three boys in line. At 12, I was adopted by my Dad. He was also my best man at my wedding. Anyway, I saw what a good father looks and a very bad father looks like. I lived in a healthy home. God took care of me through very hard times. In the end, God does love his children.
I have been able to work as a youth pastor. I have been able to affect ie be an interim father for kids without fathers. I raised three children who love the lord. I am not saying this to puff myself up. Without the hand of God, I would have a statistic. The most honoring thing anyone can do is live in Christ and watch God work. Remember, life works out despite you. God is our great redeemer. We learn, obey, and live.
Handran
Dawson I am a man, boy all I see is women talking about father hunger. Hey where does that leave me??
I agree, Scott!
Is there anyplace that men can talk without women present or women dominating the discussion or women (and the men who are always “defending” them to the exclusion of men) who think they have the same wounds as men (but men don’t have the same as women - it’s our bodies, so shut up!)
Of course many women have father hunger. But what happens to boys in this country is not considered or addressed with nearly the passion that is expressed for girls. Just open an exclusively male only space and wait for a few minutes. The protests from hypocritical feminist voices (feminist men included) rise with ever-increasing shrillness as men and boys are shamed and shut out and dominated even in a discussion on the topic of father hunger. The church is no exception! There’s always a women’s group but rarely a men’s group. And those churches that do have men’s groups rarely exit that doesn’t have women voicing what they want the men to do.
The prisons, gay bars, pornsites, criminal gangs are full of men with father hunger. And so are the morgues full of the bodies of men who finally pulled the trigger. All the while the women demand to dominate and scream at men for expressing men’s and boy’s need for a real man, a strong man, an accepting and encouraging man to pick up the little boy with the broken heart that still lives in that grown man’s body - to be treasured and cherished AT LEAST AS MUCH AS THE LITTLE GIRL, whose tears and cries get ALL of the attention, especially from the strong man who’s being told by a woman to tend first, last and always to the cries of the girl.
At 93, I still can’t get “dad” to look me in the eye regardless of how much I do for him. He calls my wife “superwoman” but has yet to express anything resembling a father’s pride or love for the son who has cared for him even in his old age. I’ve faced down terrorist without so much as a pat on the back, much less a single time as a child being taught how to catch a baseball. Even telling him as an adult that I had been abused as a kid did not render a solitary word of comfort, much less righteous anger at the man who abused me.
Just one place where men can talk with men and not be interrupted by a woman!
This site doesn’t pretend to be that place. That’s fine. But where is that all-male space dominated by good strong men; not porn or booze or bullying or exclusively sports loving jocks ... a real physical space with a sign reading, “No girls allowed”??? And men inside who have the guts to inforce that rule even over the shrill-shaming of their own emotionally-castrating wives?????
I know you’re hurting with father hunger, but feminists aren’t your problem: your bad dad is.
This is not a website for men only, so daughters have every right to be happy included in the discussion just as sons are. No one here is telling men to be quiet...yet you respond as if that’s the case. If you want an all-male emotional support group for people with bad dads, then start one.