Venturing Out Into a Post-Pandemic Summer

Remember last summer? Because of COVID-19, we were mostly stuck inside. Some of us were still sheltering in place, while others were dealing with mask mandates and social distancing, so the games, concerts, movies, family reunions, weddings, vacations, and most of the other fun summer break activities were canceled, or at least extremely watered down. This year, though, we’re looking at a return to many of our old activities! While some places will still be requiring masks and social distancing for safety, and we should still be careful in order to avoid a resurgence of the virus, the vaccine has made it possible for us to do something a little crazy in summer 2021: leave our houses!

Finding Fun Things to Do This Summer

If you’re struggling to remember what it was like to have a busy social calendar, I’m right there with you. We got so used to NOT traveling or being invited to things or having events to attend because it simply wasn’t an option. Now that it’s back on the table, it’s going to take some getting used to. We checked out where most of our readers hail from and researched a few ideas for fun ways to get out of the house this summer and put that pandemic boredom behind us! Before you read that, though, here are a few things I’m doing this summer to reconnect with the outside world:

• Travel! After more than a year of staying put in Chicago to do my part to flatten the curve, I’m finally vaccinated and hitting the road. I’ve got trips lined up every month from May to September so far! We’re hitting up Florida, Georgia, Michigan, Connecticut, Montana, Wyoming, and Washington in the next few months. It’s a little exhausting to think about being away from my peaceful little apartment that much, but my Prius, my puppy, and I have places to be and people to see.
• Family! Several of these trips are to see family, people I’ve been far away from and dearly missed during the isolation of COVID-19. There’s nothing like a pandemic to make you truly grateful for every second you’re able to spend with loved ones, and I’m soaking up all the time I can this summer to make up for last year.
• Friends! The rest of my trips are reunions with sweet friends! I’ve missed the birth of a new friend-niece, a wedding or two, and approximately four million hugs since March 2020. Since we’re all vaccinated, my pals and I have decided it’s time to get back to the business of friendships. Hobbies! I love houseplants and gardening. During the pandemic I had to make myself happy with ordering new plants and supplies online, but now that stores are open, it’s BACK to the garden center, y’all! You better believe I’m writing this blurb from the delicious sanctuary of my back porch “garden,” ignoring the sounds of dump trucks and sirens.
• Trying New Things! Yes, I am among the thousands of you who also acquired a pandemic puppy. I love her! But we’ve been confined to the safety of home, which is perfect for those first few weeks and months of training a new little one. Now that she’s older and more confident on her leash, we’re going to spend the summer checking out new dog parks, dog beaches, play dates with new pup friends, and more!

Enough about me! If my summer plans didn’t give you any ideas, here are some options going on in the areas where most of our readers call home. As always, be safe and have fun.

The Golden State

For our California readers, if you didn’t already hit up as many of your one-of-a-kind national parks as you could during the pandemic, visiting any of them would be a great way to get out of the house this summer. The outdoor factor provides an extra sense of COVID-19 safety, in addition to providing plenty of fresh air for those who have been feeling claustrophobic since March 2020. If you’re brave enough to face the crowds, many of California’s theme parks have reopened. Be sure to check their capacity and mask requirements before you buy a ticket, but if you feel safe, go for it!

The Lone Star State

If you’re in Texas, there are also plenty of outdoor events and activities you could try. How about a rodeo? A musical or two? A fiesta? This is more of a late summer, early fall suggestion, but… how about the state fair? There’s nothing like a proud, concentrated gathering of all things Texan to remind you how full life can be outside of your home office. Wear a mask if that makes you more comfortable! But don’t be afraid to participate in the world as it finally reopens.

The Sunshine State

Of course, Florida has the incredible perk of (arguably) the best beaches in the US. So if you’re almost anywhere in Florida (and you haven’t already), get to the beach! Feeling the sun, salt, and wind on your face will do wonders for your poor pandemic-weary body, mind, and soul. If you’re not into sand, what about paddleboarding? Manatees? Ziplines? Spelunking? There are plenty of things to do that aren’t in your living room.

The Empire State

New York has plenty to offer this summer as well. From some of the best museums in the world to some of the best entertainment, look up events near you to see what’s available in your area. While there may not be as many outdoor opportunities in the big city, the state has options for folks who don’t yet feel comfortable hanging out with crowds indoors. If you are okay with venturing indoors, like the aforementioned museums, comedy shows, and, of course, movie theaters!

The Peach State

Down in Georgia, the first two things that come to mind after a long pandemic are music and film. From film festivals and tours to concerts and music history, you can finally get out of the house and learn about all those shows and movies you watched and albums you listened to during lockdown. If that Georgia heat and humidity are a little too much for you, head indoors for a trip to the movie theater and watch one of those homegrown blockbusters on the big screen the way God intended! Head to the bowling alley or check out this ax-throwing trend people are posting all over Instagram and TikTok. Whether you’re inside or out, there are plenty of ways to get back into the swing of living outside the 4 walls of your home.

Across the Pond

If you’re among our readers who have the distinct privilege of living in the UK, a great pandemic-friendly way to get back out into the real world this summer is to visit one of the many famous gardens, many of which are hundreds of years old. Many are open for visitors so venture out of your COVID cave to enjoy fresh air and reacquaint yourself with the sky. This writer is not ashamed to admit to being a HUGE Gardeners World fan… if anyone happens to show Monty Don my article, I just want to say, “Hi Monty!” If I were able to cross the Atlantic this summer, I would surely be checking out the many beautiful and historic gardens. Of course, there are also beaches to visit, museums to reacquaint with, and friends to catch up with. 

Google Is Your Friend

Wherever you are, do a quick internet search for outdoor events in the next few weeks! At the very least, there are sure to be a few coffee shops and restaurants with outdoor seating in your area. You can also ask friends to come to your backyard or a nearby park. Outdoor concerts and some outdoor sporting events may also be safe and easy ways to get used to crowds and public spaces after a long break. Take as much advantage of the summer weather as you can, but it gets so hot that you need a little AC, that’s okay. By this point, it’s probably safe to attend a few indoor events as well. Start by inviting a few folks over to your home, or visit a friend’s house.

If, however, you’re still nervous about COVID-19, that’s okay. Take it slow, play it safe, and go at your own pace when it comes to transitioning out of lockdown panic mode. It was an extremely difficult process to get used to the major life changes that occurred when the pandemic hit, so it’s natural for this to feel like a big change too. If you’re dealing with anxiety or depression as a result of this shift, don’t hesitate to reach out to TheHopeLine. You deserve peace, and that’s what God wants you to have, so be still for a moment and know that you are loved.
-Cara Beth

How to Befriend an Enemy

The Challenges of Creating Friendship

Friendship can be hard! No matter how close you are, there will always be challenges, whether you disagree about something important or have to contend with hundreds of miles of distance between each other’s homes. Making friends, maintaining those friendships and being a good friend is the work of a lifetime. It’s astonishing to imagine adding unnecessary obstacles to these crucial relationships, but sometimes life has other plans. What if you suddenly find yourself considering friendship with the most unlikely person imaginable? The person you used to hate. Is that even possible? It kind of depends.

Sometimes it works out. My best friend from high school hated me the first time we met. On the first day of 7th grade, I had the audacity to admit to the whole lunch table that I had not yet seen The Lord of the Rings movies, and she instantly wrote me off as uncultured garbage. 15 years and a lot of cookie dough later, I was the Maid of Honor at her wedding. On the other hand, I have a friend who ran into his high school bully a couple of years ago, and the guy turned out to be pretty nice as an adult. My friend was torn about how to interact with his old nemesis but ultimately decided he couldn’t make nice with the person who made his teen years torture. He was polite and respectful, of course, but they didn’t exchange phone numbers or become Facebook friends. They don’t keep in touch. 

Maybe you have a coworker who wasn’t very warm on your first day on the job, so you kept your distance for a few months, but now they seem nice. Maybe you find yourself one locker over from “the mean girl” from your old elementary school, but now you’re both older and actually have a lot in common. Whatever your past is with the person, if friendship is now on the table, there are a few things to consider, starting with the concept of “hate.”

Why Did You “Hate” Them and Why Do You Want to Be Friends?

Dictionary.com defines “hate” for us as “to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest.” Hate is a big word. It’s used to describe attacks against minorities and underrepresented people groups who experience oppression. It’s used to describe the thoughts and feelings that motivate self-harm and suicide. Tossing it around lightly can be a dangerous way of devaluing the intensity of things like “hate crimes” and “self-hate,” so be careful when you use it. Make sure that your aversion to something is truly at the level of “hatred.” It may be that if you’re even open to the possibility of becoming friends with someone you used to “hate,” perhaps it was never “hatred” in the first place.

Ask yourself, then, what really happened between the two of you to cause this level of tension? Does this person even know that you “used to hate them,” or are they blissfully unaware of your previous distaste for their existence? If they are aware, what part did they play in your conflict? What part did you play? Have the two of you been able to openly and honestly discuss the past, forgive each other, and make peace? Even if this person doesn’t know how you used to feel about them, it’s crucial that a conversation to clear the air takes place. If the two of you can’t even have a mature conversation about your less-than-perfect past, you may not be ready for true friendship.

What’s true friendship? That’s another article, but a lasting and meaningful relationship hinge on honesty, basic kindness, and a genuine appreciation for one another. If those things don’t exist between you and your old enemy, legitimate friendship may still be possible, but you have a few steps to take before it can happen. If you and this person are truly determined to form a positive relationship, good for you! Consider going to therapy together or chatting with a school or campus counselor so that you have someone to help mediate when your conversations about the past get difficult.

The Power of Forgiveness

If you can forgive whatever went down between you and truly move on, there’s the potential for this to become a deep and lasting relationship based on an honest conversation and an intimate understanding of each other’s experiences. Find things that the two of you have in common and start spending time together. Take it slow! There’s no need to rush it—something that’s real and meant to be will develop over time. Maybe you both enjoy outdoorsy activities. Go on a short hike. Pack a picnic lunch and meet at a nearby park. Maybe you are both passionate about a common goal. Be workout buddies who meet at the gym, help each other campaign for a cause that’s important to you, or volunteer with each other at the local homeless shelter or animal hospital. Uniting to fight for something bigger than both of you can be an incredibly healing and bonding experience—but that first step of forgiveness has to happen first to give your newfound friendship a solid foundation.

The Power of Boundaries

Forgiveness can bring you a lot of peace if something from the past has been eating at you for a while. But it’s important to know that just because you’ve forgiven someone, or they’ve forgiven you, doesn’t mean you have to be friends. You can want to clear the air and want to keep your distance from this person in the future. If they’re interested in staying in touch or becoming friends but you aren’t, it’s okay to say “no.” You don’t have to let everyone into your life. It’s not mean or unkind to simply want something else for yourself. Treat them with the respect and kindness that every human being deserves, but if you can’t see yourself settling into a true friendship with someone who used to be a source of toxicity in your life or who reminds you too much of a time before you grew into the person you are today, you don’t have to. Invest in your true friendships and move on.

Redemption Is Possible but Isn’t Your Responsibility

At TheHopeLine, we’re believers that redemption is always possible. God’s love covers a multitude of past mistakes, and everyone, no matter who they are or what they’ve done, deserves a chance to start again and live a life of love and fulfillment. That doesn’t, however, negate the reality that there are consequences in life for wrongdoing. If someone bullied you, abused you, betrayed you, or if you did something like that to someone else, it’s okay for everyone involved to go their separate ways and pursue a better life. It’s not your responsibility to give someone a chance at redemption—they already have that chance with the grace and love of a God who sees more than our worst moments. They will find their redemption with or without you, so rest easy knowing that while you can form a friendship with that person you used to hate, you absolutely don’t have to, and neither do they. There’s enough time, forgiveness, healing, and love in the world for everyone to share.

Building stronger relationships are all about setting healthy boundaries. For more read "Healthy Relationships: 4 Ways to Set Healthy Boundaries".
-Cara Beth

Do I Have C-PTSD?

Identifying and Understanding C-PTSD

When you hear the term “Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder,” you probably think of life’s biggest disasters. Explosions, hurricanes, school shootings, violent combat, sexual assault… Those are the kinds of things that give people PTSD, right? But back in 1988 Judith Herman, a Harvard Professor in clinical psychology, suggested that there be a new term for a subclass of PTSD called complex PTSD (or C-PTSD) to cover patients whose trauma happened over the course of several more frequent events over a longer period of time rather than the result of one or more major, isolated incidents. Since then, the term hasn’t gotten nearly as much attention in research and media as PTSD, but lately it’s gained a little visibility in conversations about trauma-informed counseling and emotional abuse. Society is now more open to discussing how traumatic experiences like systemic oppression, narcissistic parenting, emotionally abusive relationships, and bullying at school or in the workplace can leave lasting marks on a victim’s mental health. C-PTSD is one way that prolonged, often subtle trauma can manifest.

How is C-PTSD different from “regular” PTSD?

C-PTSD shares a lot of symptoms with PTSD. For instance, both can cause flashbacks, nightmares, insomnia, and hypervigilance, but C-PTSD brings a few other fun challenges into the mix. Because of the long term, frequent occurrences of trauma that can develop C-PTSD, a patient may often have an extremely negative worldview and self-view, struggle to engage in healthy relationships, engage in self-destructive behaviors, and experience derealization or depersonalization in order to detach from feeling or remembering the pain they’ve experienced. It’s important to note that these can also be symptoms of a number of other mental illnesses, such as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), so never self-diagnose! If you or someone you know is experiencing symptoms like these or having memories of unresolved trauma, the best thing to do is talk with a mental health professional who can help you figure out exactly what you’re dealing with.

A Day in the Life of Someone With C-PTSD

Popular media and TV shows like Grey’s Anatomy and Criminal Minds have made PTSD a familiar, household term. Though it’s important to do your own research and make sure you understand the context of the versions of PTSD you see in the media, it’s true that a lot of us are at least familiar with how the disease can manifest. But what does living with C-PTSD look like?

Imagine waking up in the morning, turning on the shower, sticking your hand into the stream of water to test the temperature, and being instantly thrown into a vivid memory of a time when you were humiliated in the school locker room, standing naked or half-dressed by the shower as a coach or classmate belittled you. The memory is so vivid that you actually relive it. A few seconds pass, maybe even a few minutes, before you jolt back into the present moment and realize you’re still standing there with your hand in the water. You shake your head, swallow the bile that’s gotten stuck in your throat, get in the shower and go about your day.

Next, you eat a bowl of cereal for breakfast. At first, your cereal is delicious, but in the next moment, it turns to sawdust in your mouth as the taste unexpectedly reminds you of the morning your mom found another failed quiz crumpled up in the bottom of your backpack. As you try to swallow, you forget where you are because you’re back in that kitchen, on that morning, hearing the yelling, seeing the paper being shoved and waved in your face, and feeling the shame all over again. You feel small. You snap yourself out of it, dump the rest of today’s cereal down the drain, and leave for work hungry.

When you arrive at work, you check your email as you normally would. Everything seems fine, and there’s a message from your boss. You click on it, and it says, “Swing by for a chat when you have a chance.” Short and sweet, right? Nothing to worry about. No problem. But instead of staying centered in the present and waiting until you have more information before you make assumptions about what your boss needs, you’re catapulted into the past again. It’s suddenly not a normal morning at work anymore—it’s 5 years ago, and you’re staring at your phone screen reading the text that came just before the breakup, the divorce, the arrest, the accident, the huge fight, etc. You try to get focused and take your best self into your boss’s office, but you can’t help feeling nervous, shaky, suspicious, and defensive as you knock on the door to have what could have been a casual, forgettable conversation with a coworker.

And that’s just the morning! This goes on all afternoon, all evening, sometimes in your dreams, and then continues the next day for those who struggle with C-PTSD. It’s no wonder that living with the constant burden of these destabilizing moments can manifest in the symptoms we talked about earlier and lead to depression, destructive behaviors, eating disorders, and even self-harm. While none of the intrusive memories above were the classic “explosive” moments of trauma that we normally associate with PTSD, for people who struggle with C-PTSD, these flashbacks are causing very similar chemical reactions in the brain, triggering a shift into survival mode multiple times a day. Over time, that kind of stress can become debilitating, no matter how “strong” or “resilient” you are.

Do You Have C-PTSD?

As stated above, never self-diagnose. Many mental health problems look alike on the surface, especially when it comes to symptoms like insomnia, anxiety, and destructive coping mechanisms. If you feel like the above description of C-PTSD sounds similar to your experience, the first thing to do is seek help. Though it may seem normal to you, you actually shouldn’t have to be pulling yourself out of multiple flashbacks or intrusive memories per day. If you’re stuck reliving the past over and over, it doesn’t have to be that way, and there is hope! Tell a professional about what you’re experiencing and ask whether C-PTSD or another diagnosis could shed more light on your day-to-day experience. If you have access to free counseling in your school or on your campus, that’s a great place to start. You can also reach out to TheHopeLine, where we can help connect you with great resources either online or in your area.

There are a number of ways to cope with the symptoms of C-PTSD as you work on your healing journey. While “try to live in the present” can be a really annoying and flat-out disrespectful platitude to offer someone with any form of PTSD, the intention behind it is valid. Your brain is often incapable of truly staying “in the moment,” but do some experimenting to see if you can find a few activities that help bring your mind back to the here and now. For some people, starting a small garden or doing some arts & crafts or another tactile activity can help them reconnect to where and when they are. Starting an exercise routine, practicing breathing and meditation, or calling a friend could work for you, as long as it helps, even a little bit and in a healthy way, to pull you out of your brief visit to the past and situate you in reality.

It can be hard to imagine living without the ever-present symptoms of a mental illness like C-PTSD, and while there may not be a real “cure,” healing is indeed possible. There is light at the end of this tunnel, and you can find a way to live joyfully and freely in the present, rather than in fear and confusion. Trust that a loving God actually wants that for you, and seek the counseling, therapy and healing you deserve. You are loved. You are not alone. You are worthy of abundant life.

Some relationships leave us with very deep scars from trauma. Click here for help and resources for PTSD from an abusive relationship.

-Cara Beth

What to Know About Shame

Toxic Shame Cycle

I’m a bad sister, a terrible daughter, a worse friend, a useless employee, an insufferable know-it-all, an awful writer, a lazy housekeeper, a horrible budgeter, and the world’s most pitiful 30-year-old. 

Or at least that’s what my shame tells me. There are multiple times a week when I catch myself in a shame cycle, listening to those cruel, repetitive voices we all have in our heads that remind me over and over again how many mistakes I’ve made and how many more I’ll probably make. Because it can be so difficult to break out of those cycles, it’s not uncommon for them to last for hours, days, sometimes weeks… but I’ve spent a lot of time practicing shame awareness over the past decade, and on a good day, when I’m taking good care of myself, I’m actually able to quiet those feelings of shame and move in a more positive direction. If you struggle with your own shame cycles, please know you’re not alone. Everyone (at least occasionally) has those secret, sinking feeling that maybe they are the absolute worst. You can’t necessarily stop the shame from trying to rear its ugly head on a regular basis, but you can learn to acknowledge the feeling and become more resilient to the times when it gets loud.

What is Shame?

Shame usually starts with guilt. Guilt is when we feel badly about making a particular mistake. Maybe you bombed a quiz at school. Maybe you snapped at your mom or your best friend in frustration. Maybe you forgot to take out your trash, move your clothes from the washer to the dryer, call your grandmother back, or turn in that one homework assignment. Guilt is the feeling when you realize you wish you’d done something different. Guilt is when you acknowledge that next time, you’d prefer to behave differently. Guilt is useful, because guilt is when your brain learns how you want to be as opposed to how you recently acted. 

Shame takes guilt a step too far. Shame is when you go from realizing that you made a mistake to feeling like you are the mistake.

Guilt tells you that you forgot to take out the trash, and shame tells you that makes you a terrible roommate. Guilt tells you that you bombed a quiz, and shame says that makes you are stupid. Guilt reminds you that you forgot to call your grandmother, and shame tells you that’s because you’re a self-absorbed jerk.

Shame can be very convincing. Shame, unlike guilt, is not useful. In fact, it’s extremely harmful!

Why is Shame Harmful?

While that temporary feeling of guilt can motivate you to do better in the future, the feeling of shame lingers. It sinks in. It settles in your mind and makes you feel like you can’t do better. You get stuck in shame. This can either lead to or be a leading symptom of mental illnesses like depression, anxiety, BPD, bipolar disorder, PTSD, eating disorders and many more. Our brains can form habits of shameful thoughts, making it almost impossible to break out of the cycle without help. And perhaps worst of all, shame can convince us that we aren’t worthy of that help, that we aren’t worthy of being free from shame, that we deserve to be constantly berated by the lies that say we are worthless garbage. It’s no surprise that getting stuck in that headspace can lead to destructive behavior patterns, addiction, and even self-harm. That’s why it’s so important to learn how to identify and reduce feelings of shame when you can… shame can be so powerful that addressing it can actually become a matter of life and death.

How Can You Reduce Feelings of Shame?

There is a lot of research out there now about the differences between guilt and shame, how to combat persistent feelings of shame, and ways to be more aware of your mental wellness to prevent shame cycles. One of my favorite mental health advocates is shame researcher Brene Brown. You may have heard of her, because ever since she did a popular TedTalk back in 2010, her work has gotten a lot of attention, for good reason! 

Brown calls shame “the gremlin that says I’m not enough,” and turning my inner shame into the idea of a cartoonish gremlin has been instrumental in my own shame resilience journey. When I realize that one of my shame gremlins is speaking up to say something like, “You’re running late on that deadline because you’re a loser,” it’s helpful for me to name the gremlin. I literally say aloud, “Okay, shame gremlin, I hear you saying I’m a loser, and I know where you’re coming from, but I’m going to need you to take a backseat for now.” I imagine picking the gremlin up, gently, because that gremlin is a part of me, and tucking him into a corner where he can be quiet for a little while.

I recommend giving this a try. Is it cheesy? Maybe, but as Brown reminds us over and over again in her work, shame thrives on staying hidden. When you call shame out into the open, it immediately loses some of its power. So, next time one of your shame gremlins starts to whine about how you’re a failure because of this or that, call it out! It also helps to tell a trusted friend, “Hey, one of my gremlins is being really talkative today.” Usually, once you tell your (trusted) friend that a gremlin is trying to convince you that you aren’t worthy, they’ll let you know that you’re incredibly valuable to them, and that affirmation from a loved one can also work wonders in silencing that gremlin for a little while. And actually, my go-to friend to tell about the gremlins is Jesus… He’s always the first person to remind me who I am, that what the gremlins are saying is a lie, and that I’m fearfully and wonderfully made, perfect in His eyes, and precious no matter how many times I leave dirty dishes in my sink overnight.

Practice Shame Resilience

It takes consistent awareness and practice to become more resilient to shame, so being patient with yourself is key. Those gremlins will always be around--that’s just part of being human--but you can learn to tend to them quickly, aggressively, and kindly so that you don’t get as overwhelmed by their lies as you used to. Sometimes, though, we all need a little extra help with that part, so don’t be afraid to ask for help from a counselor or therapist. A great place to start might be to reach out to one of our email mentors or Hope Coaches for guidance on how to find mental health resources in your area. It’s also important to make sure you’re taking good care of yourself so that you have the energy to cope with the gremlins. Above all, don’t let the shame stay hidden. As Brene Brown says, “shame always has a seat at the table,” but shame doesn’t deserve to thrive. You do.

It's possible to feel better about yourself if you have low self-esteem by practicing these 5 simple things. 

-Cara Beth

Going Back to Normal

Now that a lot of us are fully vaccinated, and some stricter states or organizations are finally starting to lessen COVID-19 restrictions, you’ve probably heard the phrases “back to normal” or “the new normal” bandied about in the media. Obviously, some of us are finally venturing out into public without a mask on for the first time in over a year, but there are probably a million other ways that we’ve adjusted to the pandemic, and they’re about to be challenged. Just like the transition into the pandemic was a challenge, this change, what some are calling “going back to normal,” is sure to be an equally mind-boggling transition for us.

From forgetting how to engage in the art of small talk, to not remembering how to maintain polite facial expressions, re-entering society won’t be easy. It’s going to be important for us to stay aware, take care of ourselves, and have patience with others as we all navigate yet another drastic life change.

What Used to Be Normal?

Think for a moment about the way things used to be before you’d ever heard of the coronavirus. I know what it was like for me. I used to wake up at 3:30am to go to work. I was an opening barista at a coffee shop, and I’d be done with a 4-6 hour shift by 10am most days. From there I’d go home to work on my freelance writing/editing business, usually for another 4-6 hours, just trying to make ends meet so that maybe one day I could afford to stop making lattes. After that, I’d try (and often fail) to work on my creative pursuits, either attending shows and rehearsals at night or writing until I fell asleep on my computer. When did meals happen? Exercise? Socializing outside of a work setting? Laundry? Cleaning? Relaxing?

Exhausted and Overwhelmed

I honestly can’t remember doing a lot of those things, but… I can tell you that my depression would chime in every couple of weeks, and I’d get so exhausted and overwhelmed that I would disappear into my bed for 1-3 days at a time, barely moving from my bedroom cocoon except to use the bathroom and answer the door for GrubHub deliveries. Sound terrible? Yeah… But I thought I was happy! I was proud of myself, in fact. I was a “hustler.” I believed that the harder I worked, the more likely I was to achieve my goals, and when I’d inevitably crash, I felt ashamed for not being “strong enough” to work even harder.

This may sound extreme, but I wasn’t the only one. I know plenty of friends and colleagues who were living the same way before the pandemic, until COVID-19 restrictions completely halted the unsustainable momentum of hustle culture. But we weren’t wearing masks! And we could travel freely without concern! And we could stand closer than 6 feet away from our neighbors! So, it was way better, right? Ummmmm...

The Old “Normal” Doesn’t Have to Be the Goal

I know I’m not the only one who has no desire to return to that pace of living. I’m not the only one who actually learned a great deal about healthy boundaries and protecting my energy when I was forced to adapt to the COVID-19 world. And while I’m certainly excited to finally go out on a real date with my boyfriend again, I’m definitely not looking to return to any semblance of the “normal” way I, and so many people, lived before. And it’s okay if you don’t want to either.

Lots of us have joked, or at least heard jokes, about how the U.S. is about to experience another “roaring twenties,” because everyone is going to want to party all night every night to make up for the fun we missed and the energy that built up during 2020 isolation. That’s okay too! As long as you’re safe and considerate of others’ health and boundaries, I hope you are able to have a grand time in the coming months. But if you’ve discovered in the past year that you’re actually an introvert and a homebody, it’s also totally okay to decline those invitations, skip the parties, and stay home to water your plants and do puzzles. Because if we aren’t careful, we’re likely to hit a giant cultural wall of burnout in a few months.

Just because you used to have a certain job, hang out with certain people, participate in certain activities, or adhere to particular habits before the pandemic doesn’t mean you have to return to any of those routines. Just because something used to be our “normal,” doesn’t mean we are obligated to go back to it.

What Exactly Is The “New Normal?”

Some of us may have realized we never want to go back to working in an office again. Some of us may have realized that we’ve been homebodies and introverts all along, but hustle culture was keeping us on such a tight schedule that we thought we were entrepreneurial, social butterflies when really we were just incredibly anxious, burned-out overachievers in fear that slowing down would be perceived as failure. Either way, I believe the best “new normal” we can shoot for as a society is going to be one that prioritizes mental health, rest, and healthy boundaries.

Go Easy On Yourself

You’ve been used to working from home, seeing only those in your “bubble,” and not being in crowds over a certain size. It’s natural that once you return to your office, start going out again, or even attend larger events, your body will respond by feeling tired. Don’t shame yourself with memories of how much higher your social stamina used to be! Take a nap.

Don’t fill every single day or evening with scheduled activities. In March 2020, it was jarring to go from having a packed calendar to staring at a totally blank weekly planner. So, it’s probably a wise deduction that it would be extremely jarring to jump straight back into having nonstop plans after over a year of spending most of your time at home watching Netflix and researching sourdough starters. Leave 2-4 nights a week free in your calendar so that you can rest, refill your energy reservoir, and avoid total burnout.

Have fun but be safe. Go back to your favorite brunch place. Visit your family. Enjoy the things you missed, by all means! But be safe. Respect the boundaries and safety restrictions of those around you, and make sure to keep washing your hands, limiting your exposure, and even wearing a mask where that’s still appropriate. 

If you’re feeling a lot of anxiety and trepidation about the way the world is reopening, don’t hesitate to reach out to chat with a HopeCoach or sign up for an email mentor. We’re always available to walk through your challenges with you and to help you understand just how loved you are by Jesus, who also went through his own roller coaster between times of isolation and spending days with huge crowds. He gets it, we get it, and you’re not alone in this.

When life gets crazy, it is very important to find rest. Check out my blog, Time to Rest - It's Okay to Do Less. 

-Cara Beth

No Means No

Everyone reading this is probably very familiar with the phrase, “No means no!” If you aren’t, take a minute to educate yourself. If you need a hint, we’re not talking about the rock band today… we’re talking about consent! Maybe you’re familiar with the concept of consent when it comes to meeting up with someone new on Tinder or after a party where everyone’s been drinking. But what about consent between two people who have known and cared about each other for a long time? Consent in long-term relationships is often ignored, and not just in the bedroom, which makes it all the more important to talk about!

What to Know About Consent

What is consent?

First of all, consent is when you agree to something. If your sister asks to borrow your sweatshirt, and you willingly give it to her--you’ve given her your consent. If she takes it while you’re not around, she’s wearing it without your consent. It can be super annoying when someone doesn’t ask for or respect your consent in mundane, everyday situations like siblings borrowing clothes without asking, but when consent is ignored with respect to our bodily autonomy, that’s more than just annoying. What’s bodily autonomy? That’s the right to govern your own body. And if anyone at all, including you, crosses the line of another person’s bodily autonomy, especially in a sexual way, that’s incredibly damaging and against the law. In the words of VeryWellMind’s Sarah Sheppard, “Unwanted touching, of any kind, is unacceptable social behavior, but unwanted sexual touching is criminal.” How do you know if the behavior is wanted or unwanted? You ask. 

What If You’ve Been Together For a Really Long Time?

Back to that sweatshirt example. Let’s say you let your sister borrow that sweatshirt once because she was cold and couldn’t find her own. You gave your consent under particular circumstances. One day a few weeks later, you can’t find your sweatshirt anywhere… your sister is wearing it! You confront her about taking it without asking. She claims, “You said I could!” She’s assuming that because you said “yes” once, you were implying “yes” always. This can happen in relationships too. Maybe you and your partner usually have “date night” on Fridays. Maybe you’ve fallen into a rut of assuming Fridays will include dinner, a movie, and a little bit of physical time together. You might be relying on the myth of implied consent.

The fact of the matter is, however, that consent can absolutely never be implied or assumed. Even if you’re dating. Even if you’re engaged. Even if you’re married. Even if it’s Friday! Consent must always be clear, direct, enthusiastic, and ongoing. That means every time your sister wants to borrow your sweatshirt, she needs to ask, and you have the right to say “yes” sometimes and “no” to others. Same with sex and your partner of 6 weeks, or months, or years… no matter how many times you’ve said “yes” to something in the past, you have the absolute right to say “no” next time. Or “yes.” It’s up to you, and in a healthy relationship, consent will always be a priority. So next Friday, consider checking in with your partner before barreling ahead with your assumptions about the evening’s plans. Just ask.

Consent Is More Than “Yes & No”

While “yes” and “no” are great places to start a conversation about consent, there is a lot more to this dialogue than a simple choice between the two. To demonstrate, the Thames Valley Police in the United Kingdom released an insightful (and hilarious) video back in 2015 that tries to explain sexual consent by comparing the idea of initiating sex with the idea of offering your partner a cup of tea. Please take a moment to watch it if you’re unfamiliar! 

This brief sketch does a great job of showing how (un)complicated consent can be, especially confronting the idea of implied consent. If you offer someone a cup of tea, they may say “yes,” and when you bring them that cup of tea, they may happily drink it. However, even if they said “yes,” they still don’t have to drink the cup of tea.

Perhaps they changed their mind and don’t want tea anymore. Perhaps they only said “yes” to be polite, but they’re not actually thirsty. Perhaps they tasted the tea and didn’t like it, so they don’t want to finish the cup. Or perhaps they simply said “no” to your offer. Would you keep offering them tea every ten minutes until they finally agreed? Please don’t. Would you forcibly pour the cup of tea down your guest’s throat? No! Because at any given moment, this person has the right to decide whether or not they want tea. Plain and simple.

Communication Is Key

Sweatshirt and teacup comparisons aside, it’s very important to state that no matter how long or how many times you’ve kissed, hugged, or had sex with a person, you have the right, at any given moment, to decide that you don’t want to. As does your partner. Plain and simple. Practice honest communication with your partner so that you are both aware of each other’s actual desires day to day, rather than assuming consent based on past experiences. Make sure that, just as much as you want your boundaries to be respected when you speak up, you’re also considerate of your partner’s boundaries. If you or your partner is feeling pressured to have sex, or only participates out of obligation or guilt, that’s not consent… and if it’s nonconsensual, you’ve entered sexual assault territory.

What To Do From There

If you think you and your partner have visited or are currently living in sexual assault territory, the first thing to do is name it. Realize that you and/or your partner haven’t been respectful of each other’s bodily autonomy. Seek counseling. Educate yourself on what consent is and why it’s a key element of healthy relationships. Make sure you know, moving forward, how you want to communicate consent in the future. If you and your partner are both willing to grow, it is possible to learn how to respect each other’s autonomy, as long as you feel safe and confident doing that together.

If, however, your partner (or anyone else) blatantly disrespects your newfound “no,” or continually pressures you to say “yes” until you begrudgingly do, and you feel unsafe or like you don’t get to decide what happens to your own body, it’s time to walk away. You are a precious soul, made in the image of the divine, and your power to say “yes” or “no” when it comes to your body should never be taken from you. Find support for yourself through a number of available resources, like TheHopeLine, our partner RAINN, and many more. There is hope if you’re struggling, and these resources can get you connected to folks who’ll be able to help with the next steps. 

You should never feel pressured to do anything you are not ready to do in a dating relationship. If you feel unsafe or drained read more to find out if it's time to end your relationship.

-Cara Beth

Blindsided

Roughly a decade before the pandemic, when I was an undergrad student, one of my roommates would routinely come home from her afternoon class (I’m talking 3pm) in a total panic. She’d tell me about everything stressing her out, often ending up in tears, and I’d listen, wishing I could help. One afternoon, I was prepared! She walked into our dorm, already tearing up, and I was ready with a gallon-sized box of our favorite snack: Goldfish. She vented, we snacked, and after a few minutes, she said, “Wow, I didn’t realize how hungry I was.” We talked more and realized that due to the timing of this afternoon class, she’d been skipping lunch most days, going straight from her morning classes without stopping for lunch or even a snack! No wonder she was in tears by 3pm… her body had next to no fuel left. It was a very innocent, very critical discovery we made together: our momentum can make us blind to what we actually need. We can go, go, go like the Energizer bunny, but are we getting anywhere? 

Why Rest Matters

Bye-bye, Momentum

If the pandemic and 2020 (and 2021 so far) were absolute nightmares for you and your loved ones, you are not alone. The number of “unprecedented” events that have occurred in the past 12 months is undeniably staggering. There are several things about this period of my personal history that I would love to chuck in the garbage can, but I’ve already written a little bit about those. Today I want to write about one of the things that I’m definitely going to keep. Just one of the many ways in which the pandemic has convinced me never to “go back to normal. "What was my normal? Being busy. Filling every single line in my planner (it’s broken down by half-hour) with a specific task and knowing that if I didn’t get them all done, I’d be doomed. Never having time for washing dishes, doing laundry, or feeding myself a proper meal. Skimping on sleep. Saying “yes” to almost every invitation or opportunity that came my way. Not being able to catch up on sleep because I was so anxious about how I could possibly keep all the plans that I made. If you’d asked me back then whether I was enjoying my life, I would have said, “Of course I am!” But all I was really doing was surviving my life. And I had no idea that was a bad thing.

Hello, Reality Check

The problem is most of us, long before the trauma of the pandemic, were living in “survival mode,” and if you weren’t there already, the events of 2020 probably sent you there. What’s survival mode? It’s when our bodies and brains respond to stress by zeroing in on whatever we need to do to get through the next 24 hours. For my college roommate, the stress of getting to and from her classes triggered a survival mode instinct that made her think it was okay to skip a meal. Which seems small if you only do it once! One missed meal, one bad night of sleep, one month without enough money to put gas in the car… on their own, those things are a bump in the road. But when living without the things you need lasts longer than one event, one day, one week, one month… those stress hormones take a toll, and survival mode takes a firm hold.
How can you tell if you’re stuck in a constant state of survival mode? Sources like PsychologyToday and Dr. Libby Weaver talk about a lot of signs and symptoms, among them:

• Feeling exhausted all time but knowing you don’t have time to rest.
• Completely relying on coffee (or some other caffeinated beverage) to get through the day.
• Feeling guilty about or not being able to say “no” when a new project, chore, or commitment rears its head.
• Pushing others away because you don’t have the time or energy to connect with them.
• Losing sleep because you stay up late trying to get that to-do list finished, or not being able to sleep because you can’t stop thinking about all the urgent matters to attend to.
• A general sense of urgency.
• Not remembering the last time, you had a good laugh or a good day.

Sound familiar? Yeah, that was my life too. And it didn’t change as soon as the pandemic hit us. No, it definitely took me a few weeks of Shelter in Place to calm down and realize… My momentum was gone. My career goals were on hold, whether I wanted them to be or not. I had no choice but to stop, wait, and rest. I’m so glad I did.

My Momentum Can Stay Lost

The pandemic was my wake-up call. Just like the time I gave my roommate a snack, and we realized she was simply hungry, I had been totally blind to the reality that my pre-pandemic momentum wasn’t success… it was actually survival, and just like my roommate, without my distractions, I realized I was hungry. 

I was hungry to get out of that survival mode. I was hungry to slow down. I was hungry to remember what it was like to simply enjoy my day. I was hungry to exist without that constant sense of urgency. I was hungry to feel boredom. I was hungry for rest.

And the pandemic was my bowl of goldfish. Don’t get me wrong. Survival mode is an impressive tool. It kicks in at life’s most dangerous moments and helps us think quickly about how to literally live through the day. It’s the thing that enables humans to do wild things like cut off their own arm in order to escape a disaster situation or gives a mother the adrenaline rush she needs to lift a car off of her injured child, or just skip lunch if we’re running late. We need it sometimes, but it also leaves us exhausted, injured, and in need of rest. In the famous words from an episode of Star Trek: Voyager, “survival is insufficient.”

We Were Born to Thrive

God rested. No matter how you want to interpret the book, Genesis is pretty clear about the fact that after creating the universe, God took a break to enjoy what He’d done. Jesus rested, too. The man disappeared more than once to practice prayer and meditation. He performed miracles to ensure that meals weren’t skipped, and He even took naps during dangerous storms. We were not created to fill every single moment of our lives with enough frantic activity to keep us distracted from the things that actually make life sweet. 

Slow down. You do have time to rest. A rabid coyote is not on your tail. Put away your phone. The world will not end if you take more than 5 seconds to respond to a text, or say “no” to the next event you get invited to. You don’t even have to give a reason, although rest is a perfectly good one. I know that when we finally tiptoe out of this pandemic, I’m going to be tempted to fill the pages of my planner… but that was a lifestyle I had to survive. And frankly, I no longer have time for that.

Thanks for letting me be vulnerable with you! I hope connecting with my experiences is helpful in processing your own. If you’re resonating with any of the feelings I described, or experiencing anxiety and depression, please know there is hope. Here is a resource that will help you gain greater understanding about God’s love for you and His ability to care for you… and as always Hope Coaches are available 7 days a week if you need to chat.
-Cara Beth

Feeling Stuck

Let’s talk about claustrophobia as a symptom of pandemic anxiety. I do NOT mean claustrophobia in the official sense of the legitimate disorder, although that may in fact be something you’re dealing with too. I’m talking more about that feeling that these four walls you’ve been staring at without a break for almost a year are slowly closing in on you. That feeling that your house is getting smaller, that your life is getting smaller, and that you don’t even have enough room left to take a deep breath.

If you’ve been reading my posts, you know I have been processing numerous pandemic questions, and I’ve narrowed them down to THE BIG THREE.

1. The Neverending Wait
2. The Insane Paradox
3. The Box of Death

These are huge topics unto themselves, and we only have so much energy for blog-reading. So today we’re focusing on our third and final installment of The Big Three.

The Box of Death

Let me try to better explain that claustrophobic feeling. Remember that scene in the old Gene Wilder version of the Willy Wonka story, where he enters a hallway and an optical illusion starts happening? Either he’s getting bigger and bigger, or the hallway itself is getting smaller and smaller, until Wonka and all his guests are crouched over, crowded, and anxious to get out the door? That scene is the perfect visual for the phenomenon I’ve witnessed during this pandemic, in which we all feel cramped. We’re all dying to get out of the house, travel without fear, be able to sit freely in a restaurant or even go to a concert! But we can’t. So, whether for comfort or escape, we turn to our trusty “friend,” who I’ve named The Box of Death.

Otherwise known as your cell phone.

Or really whatever screen you’re staring at right now. The phone counts, the tablet counts, the desktop counts, the television counts. If it’s roughly box-shaped and emits colorful lights in order to communicate with your brain in very mesmerizing ways… it’s a Box of Death.

The Carrot

At first, The Box of Death can seem like a magical portal to another world. We’re stuck inside, but we can look at dancing pictures of the outside to our heart’s content. But is it actually to our heart’s content? In my last post, I talked about the difference between longing and living. Today let’s look at the difference between being present and, quite frankly, pretending to be elsewhere.

Let’s say you fall asleep most nights scrolling through Insta. So when you wake up in the morning, your phone is still in your hand, and without a second thought, you open your eyes and immediately check your text messages, your emails, every single one of your social media accounts, circling back to some of those multiple times. Suddenly your stomach growls with ferocious hunger, reminding you that you’ve now been awake for over an hour, and you still need to get up, use the bathroom, change into your daytime sweatpants and eat breakfast. You do all these things while holding your phone, watching funny TikToks or texting back and forth with a friend. With breakfast in hand, you wander over to the couch, where you settle in for a nice session of binge-watching a show on your TV, which gives your neck a nice break from looking down at your phone, because it requires you to look up and over at a different screen, but you’re still holding your phone, because it controls the volume, play/pause, and subtitles on your tv, plus you might get a call. Only the growl of your tummy or the call of your bladder stirs you from your spot on the couch, until it gets dark out and you actually fall asleep, holding your phone and watching the news. Sometime in the middle of the night, you get up and settle back into your bed, lulling yourself to sleep with that sweet reliability of scrolling through picture after picture after picture...

I just described a typical day for many of you. I’ve definitely lived this day. And maybe you’re thinking, “Absolutely not. I work!”  or "I'm in school!" But if you’re working or going to school from home, all you’re doing is swapping out that TV time for computer time… How is that any better? You’ve literally trapped yourself in an even tinier box than the house you’ve been feeling so closed up in. Your entire day, perhaps your entire life, fits inside that tiny box. Is that really living?

The Stick

“But I can’t help it!” We say. Maybe you have to be on social media because it’s your job. Maybe your conscience won’t let you look away from the news for more than five minutes, because these are still “unprecedented times,” and you don’t want to be disconnected from the important things that are happening. Maybe all you want to do is play that silly game nobody knows you love… you know, the one with the matching color blocks that earn you enough points to plant a new flower? No shame. Or maybe you honestly feel that you don’t want to be chained to your screen, but you’re clinging to it for dear life because it’s the only way you can talk to your family, see your friends, or manage your healthcare and education and career… it starts to feel like we can’t escape the screens. Like it’s out of our control. It’s that claustrophobic feeling all over again. 

Let’s be honest, some of us reached this point of tech dependency long before a pandemic came along to give us a great excuse. Regardless of why or how we got here, if these things truly consume our every waking moment, again, I ask: are we really living?

The Mule Trying To Live An Actual Life

I’ve been a long-time fan of Brene Brown. In many of her now renowned books and lectures, she talks about the concept of “numbing.” This is, simply put, when we use an activity to avoid, escape, or “take the edge off” of difficult emotions. Here’s my thought: all this time we’re spending on screens… it’s numbing. 

We’re feeling cooped up or trapped in our homes. In order to avoid that feeling, we turn to the escape of Instagram, email, anything… and we feel better for a second, until we don’t. We feel like this chapter of our lives is really boring, really sad, really difficult, or really ____, so we turn to the escape of TikTok or our solitaire app. And we don’t feel better… but we don’t feel worse! We feel directionless, worthless, hopeless, anxious, and unsure what else to do, so we start streaming our favorite show and let 6 hours go by without a thought. We don’t feel better or worse… do we feel anything at all anymore?

Don’t misunderstand: we do have to use the screens in our lives for certain necessities. And technology is miraculous for giving us access to things that aren’t otherwise possible. The Box of Death doesn’t become the Box of Death until that “numbing” factor comes into play. Do a gut check right now. Are you spending time glued to your technology because it enables you to live your life, or are you staring into a colorful void in order to muffle the chaos squirming around in your heart and mind? 

I love a good TikTok video. I have shows that I can watch for hours. Those aren’t bad things, until they’ve become your whole life, which only you can really measure. And a great way to measure is to ask yourself, “Am I feeling joy at any point in my day-to-day life? Am I feeling anything?” If not, that’s an indicator that it’s time to start being more mindful of those screens, or anything else you might be using to numb yourself. It’s time for you to let yourself feel, even if the feelings are uncomfortable, because that’s the only way you can access joy. I believe that God meant us to live lives of abundant joy, not of mind-numbing death. So are you accessing your joy? Or are you numbing (very legitimate) feelings of fear and overwhelm by packing yourself into the Box of Death every day? It’s a valid response to life, but it’s not the only way and certainly not the healthiest or even most fun.

Thanks for letting me be vulnerable with you! I hope connecting with my experiences is helpful in processing your own. If you resonated with the feelings I described, like anxiety and depression, please know there is hope in a God who wants the best for you. Here is a resource that will help you gain greater understanding about God’s love for you and His ability to care for you. and as always HopeCoaches are available 7 days a week if you need to chat.

Stay safe, and thanks for reading this “fun” little series on THE BIG THREE.

~Cara Beth

Read more about the challenges of 2020 (now 2022) as Cara Beth talks about her experience with “The Neverending Wait” during the pandemic and the "The Insane Paradox" she struggles with. 

This Pandemic is Freaking Me Out

How is it February already? Not just February, but 2021? For me, it feels like the earth stopped turning in late February/early March 2020, and the aggressive way that my calendar INSISTS on moving forward regardless of the complete halt in a lot of our lives is… freaking me out, man. You think I’d be used to pandemic anxiety by now, right? Ha.

If you read my last post, you know I am still processing plenty of pandemic questions. One of those problems? Overwhelm. In fact, I was so overwhelmed by the sheer number of challenges we’ve faced in the past year that I had to narrow it down to a handful that I think are pretty universal. I call them THE BIG THREE.

1. The Insane Paradox
2. The Neverending Wait
3. The Box of Death

These are huge topics unto themselves, and we only have so much energy for blog-reading. We’ve already covered #1, so today we’ll dive into #2!

The Neverending Wait

In my last post, I talked about the crazy difficulty of balancing the crappy reality of our current circumstances with the humbling belief that God’s sovereign. I encouraged us all to take action instead of sitting around angsting about all the bad going on, or kicking up our feet and waiting for God to swoop in and fix it. But now the question is… when to act?

“The Neverending Wait” is the name I’ve given to all the, well, waiting… that happens during a pandemic. And that’s a loooooot of waiting. I’m based in Chicago, and we’ve been hovering in between full-on SIP orders and pretty intense mask/capacity/travel restrictions since early March 2020. At first we all hoped, “This is just for two weeks, and then it’ll blow over.” 

I don’t know about you, but that first two weeks felt like spring break to me! No work? No social events? Everything is canceled? Awesome! I took a lot of naps, and I learned to make bread like everyone else on Instagram. It was nice, for a while... But it was kinda sad that my beautiful, brand new 2020 planner was suddenly useless. Everything I’d planned for the next few months had a thick, black line drawn through it, which really irks me because I like to keep my planner pretty. And then, instead of drawing lines through canceled plans, I was turning the pages of my planner and finding… nothing. Blank pages.

When Am I?

That’s when I started to question the very construct of time itself. Did anyone else eat breakfast for dinner more than a couple of times? Forget what day of the week it was? Or wreck their sleep schedule staying up way too late playing video games because… nowhere to be tomorrow anyway? Our calendars and watches literally stopped mattering… Then suddenly it was June! And I first started noticing this new phrase that’s become part of our daily vocabulary.

Raise your hand if you hear someone say something about “the before times” at LEAST twice a day.

*everyone raises a hand*

When it finally sank in that the pandemic wasn’t as temporary as I’d been led to believe… And some pieces of the old “normal” may never come back. I got depressed! I felt like all the hard work and progress I’d made in my career had been taken from me, and I didn’t see the point of putting any more energy into the things I used to care about. There was almost a grieving process for the life I lost. I’m a 3 on the Enneagram, friends… achieving goals is what satisfies me, and I can get behind a little rest now and then, but to completely lose my momentum? I was floored, frozen. A lot of us were. How much hard work have we put into our lives, our relationships, our careers, over the past several years, only to feel like it was all wiped clean by a glitch in the time/space continuum? 

More Anger and Despair

This second phase of waiting involved a lot more anger and despair for me than the first. I couldn’t see the end. I recollected the before times with intense jealousy for my former self, all the great places she used to go on a daily basis, the outfits she got to wear, the people she got to see, the sights, the sounds… I was desperate to figure out a way to reconnect with her. To rustle up the disciple to somehow forge ahead without any of the resources I had in those before times. I felt a huge pressure to not let this silly pandemic slow me down, in complete denial of all the very real challenges we face after periods of extreme isolation. It turns out that I was not, in fact, immune to the depression, the overwhelm, the lack of motivation, and numerous other symptoms most of us have battled in the face of COVID-19.

Shrug

And then I settled in. “This is it,” I thought, “the new normal.” Why stress about all the work I would have been doing if nothing had gone wrong in 2020 when… I could just kick back and wait for the darn virus to disappear. Take a break. Wait for the “after times.” This was my third phase. The one that feels like a natural state for procrastinators. Sure, we’re making ambitious plans, but there’s nothing we can do about them right now, right? We just have to wait until the world opens back up, right?

It’s a LOT more comfortable for me to chill out in this phase, because then I can at least pretend that my future holds some productivity, some life, but really… I was just denying reality again, longing for the “after times.”

Whether we’re in the spring break phase, the depression phase, or the settling phase, the pandemic has been a never-ending cycle of waiting.

What about the NOW Times?

Waiting usually goes hand-in-hand with longing. People aren’t usually willing to wait for very long unless there’s the promise of something they really want on the other side. So all this pandemic waiting? It’s just longing. Maybe you’re longing for the “before times,” or maybe you’re longing for the “after times.” Either way, you’re not living.

My two cents? When you’re feeling trapped inside a time/space continuum of neverending waiting… stop waiting. And I don’t mean run outside without a mask and declare that you’re “done” with the pandemic! Be safe. Be smart. Do your part. But don’t give up all your God-given agency because the world looks a little different than you were expecting. If you’re tired of sitting on the couch, stand up! If you’re tired of scrolling through Instagram, delete it from your phone! If you’re tired of making the same food every week, make a new recipe! If you’re thinking, “Actually, I kind of don’t want this pandemic to end, because I never want to go back to my office,” start applying for remote jobs NOW instead of resigning yourself to a future you know won’t be fun. Waiting doesn’t have to be synonymous with stagnation.

Build a Life You Love NOW

Your life may look a little smaller than it used to, but there’s no reason you can’t be building a life you love NOW, even if you know you’ll want more later. God gave us these minds and hearts that are capable of longing for a reason… He wants to see us do amazing things! But there’s no checklist for what qualifies as “amazing.” We get His love and radical acceptance whether we’re using our divine gifts to climb the corporate ladder, make memes, save lives, compose a symphony, learn the latest TikTok dance, or grow a new sourdough starter from scratch. Just because you can’t live the way you thought you would, doesn’t mean you have to wait and wait and wait and wait and wait to live, love, feel joy, and be satisfied. You can feel those things now.

Thanks for letting me be vulnerable with you! I hope connecting with my experiences is helpful in processing your own. It’s totally normal to be experiencing impatience, anxiety, anger, and depression at a time like this, but there is hope. Here is a resource that will help you gain greater understanding about God’s love for you and His ability to care for you… and as always HopeCoaches are available 7 days a week if you need to chat.

Stay safe, and come back soon for more on THE BIG THREE.

- Cara Beth

 "The Insane Paradox"  encompasses everything that went wrong in the past year and Cara Beth's struggle to reconcile that with the Christian belief commonly expressed as "Don't worry! God is still on His Throne!" she still struggled.