It seems that self-harm or cutting have become as popular as drugs or alcohol as a method to cover the pain.  It also seems to be destroying lives in the same way as other addictions do. Hopefully, that life is not yours. But if it is, help can be on the way. You don't have to stay stuck in the vicious cycle of self-mutilation.

How Does Cutting Impact You?

How Pain Covers Pain. What Is Cutting?

Cutting is a form of self-harm often used to handle overwhelming or negative feelings. It is a way for people to “feel” something physical when they feel numb or pained on the inside. It also gives the cutter a false sense of control since they can choose when, where, and how to cut. Cutting can lead to permanent scarring, extended bouts of depression, diminished self-esteem, and possible infection.

https://youtu.be/JBVezZV60ng?si=L--b0dEUb_fidH4k

Does Cutting Yourself Make You Feel Better?

If you’re a cutter, you might think it’s helping you feel better about the deep emotional pain you feel. But the truth is: cutting is a counterfeit helper. It promises relief from the hurt you’re feeling, but it only ends up making the heartache even worse.

If your thumb hurts, it doesn't make sense to cut off your foot. In the same way, making yourself bleed is no way to take care of your very real emotional and spiritual needs. Cutting yourself merely covers the deeper emotional pain you're feeling. But like every other addiction, it's far too much medicine for the sickness, and will come back to haunt you.

Nonetheless, you or someone you know likely cuts for the benefits you get from it. In fact, as someone once said, for every thrill there is a chill. So, let’s not deny, with cutting there is some kind of a thrill. If cutting yourself for fun is a temptation, it's helpful to understand the toll it takes on your body and mind.

Why Do People Emotionally Cut?

The answer to this question is different for everyone, but often people turn to cutting as a way to manage deep emotional pain. In those moments of overwhelming hurt, it can feel like the only way to get relief or regain a sense of control. 

But while cutting might seem like a solution to your pain in the moment, it's important to remember that there are healthier ways to cope with our struggles.

In the eyes of Jesus, every single one of us is precious and deserving of love and care, especially when we’re in pain. It's okay to feel overwhelmed, and it's okay to seek help, even if it feels like there’s no hope or no solution. You are not alone, and there are people who care deeply about your well-being. You can try reaching out to a trusted friend, a compassionate teacher, or even asking Jesus for help in prayer.

When pain gets so bad that hurting ourselves feels like the only way to cut through it, remember the words of Psalm 34:18, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Trust in God's love and mercy, and know there is light even in the darkest times.

Cutting Triggers Your Body's Chemistry

The body naturally produces a chemical compound called endorphins. Endorphins are released to help the body deal with pain and stress. In fact, endorphins cause an actual high designed to cover real physical pain. And cutting causes real physical pain.

You might have heard of runners high. This is simply the release of endorphins into the bloodstream when someone puts their body through something extremely physically challenging. This high, or euphoria, is extremely addictive.

Much of the same thing happens when you cut. Your brain is flooded with endorphins, which give you a rush, and a sense of calmness and relief that makes you feel like everything is ok. Some cutters claim the high can last up to 90 minutes, but what happens when the high wears off?

Sarah S. understands this chemical dependency, after being addicted to cutting for six years. "Your body has its own pain management using hormones called endorphins. Endorphins manage physical pain, as well as emotional. When someone cuts, endorphins are released and help [cover up] the emotional and physical pain. It will make you feel better for a few minutes and then you will crash again. Eventually, your body will build a tolerance to it and you will have to cut deeper and/or more frequently and more cuts at one time to get the same effect as before."

So, in the end, cutting is rather simple to explain.

It is using self-inflicted pain to get a high, in order to self-medicate an emotional pain with a temporary feel-good. The problem is the feel-good quickly can turn to a feel bad, or worse, to an addiction.

Megan says she got addicted to the physical high of cutting as an early teen. "I started cutting in junior high because a girl who was cooler than me was doing it. I kept on doing it because it helped with my pain that I was having from school or my family, or later from my eating disorder. I'm 20 years old and I realize now that I cut for a bit of a high, but I don't have that urge to feel that high anymore."

Megan doesn't feel the urge to get the cutter's high anymore. How did she stop? One thing I know for sure, she came face to face with the consequences of cutting.

A Struggle on Many Levels

Perhaps, after reading this, you've come to the realization for the first time that you need to deal with an emotional pain you have been hiding as well as find the strength to resist the temptation to cover that pain with cutting. This might be a lot to take in.  If your first reaction is a desire to put off dealing with the emotional pain, you are not alone. It's understandable that you don't want to go there. In fact, it's precisely why you've been covering it over with self-harm.  But if you have come to this realization today, I encourage you to not prolong the hurt. Get it out into the open. You are strong enough to deal with it and move forward.

You can face this trial with HOPE.  You are not alone. Many people do conquer their addiction to cutting.  You can chat with a HopeCoach when they are available. You can reach out to our partner organization, Door of Hope. And you can turn to God for help. I know it's hard to understand why bad things have happened, but God is good and wants to rescue you. You just need to turn to him.

“Unless the Lord had given me help, I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death. When I said, ‘My foot is slipping,’ your unfailing love, Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.” Psalm 94:17-19

If you lay this struggle before God and trust him to help you, He will give you the strength you need.

"For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

Here are more Verses of Hope for Struggling with Self-Harm.

For more help to stop cutting yourself, read my blog on how to resist the urge to cut yourself.

More Than Grades: How Focus Can Lead to Personal Growth

A new school year always brings plenty of new challenges and opportunities. There may be things you are excited about and things you are dreading.

Regardless of your circumstances, these 7 goals for the school year are sure to help get you started on the right foot. I encourage you to take your education seriously, manage your workload, explore your interests, and have fun along the way.

In a poll we ran on TheHopeLine.com, we asked what you most want to avoid doing at school this year. More than half of you answered: Slacking off.

You recognize it as a potential problem. So what are some ways you can avoid slacking off and help make this the best school year ever?

First, it is important to shift any negative perceptions you have about school and try to appreciate it. I know that may seem hard, but an education is a privilege, and learning new things can be fun. Taking your studies seriously WILL prepare you for a bright future.

7 Goals for a Successful School Year

How can I make my school year easier?

1. Go to class every day and take it seriously.

People who skip a lot of classes, end up skipping life. When you miss a day or even a class, it's easy to fall behind. Nobody likes to feel like they're behind, or in the dark. It can be hard to catch up, and then pretty soon you might just give up. The best way to stay with the flow of the class is to be there! If you have to miss a class, make sure you meet with your teachers to find out exactly what you missed.

April said, "I used to think I was cool for skipping class. Then I realized I was just hurting myself. The temporary fun I had only made me feel worse when I was in class."

Then, when you are in class, take it seriously and focus. Don't text, Snapchat, watch TikTok, or whatever other distraction tempts you. Take notes during class even if your teacher doesn't require it. This exercise will increase your concentration and greatly improve the amount of information you retain. You don't have to write down everything, but keep track of the main points. Write down the questions you have, and then the answers to the questions when you get them.

2. Keep a planner.

Keeping a planner for school is a great way to stay organized and manage your time effectively. Here's a step-by-step guide to help you get started:

• Choose a planner that fits your style and schedule. You can opt for a traditional paper planner, a digital planner, or a calendar app. 
• Collect all the information you need to include in your planner: your class schedule, assignment due dates, exam dates, extracurricular activities, and other commitments.
• Take some time to set up your planner by filling in important dates, such as the start and end dates of the school year, holidays, and any pre-planned events or activities. Input your class schedule, including the days, times, and locations of each class. For each class, write down the details of all your assignment deadlines, too.
• Personalize your planner! This is the fun part. Make your planner your own with stickers, color coding, motivational quotes, or anything else that makes your planner fun to use.
• Set aside time in your planner for studying and completing assignments. Break larger tasks into smaller, more manageable chunks, and schedule dedicated study sessions for each subject or assignment. Be realistic about how much time you need for each task, and try to spread your workload evenly throughout the week.
• Make it a habit to check your planner at the beginning of each day to remind yourself of upcoming deadlines or commitments. Throughout the day, use your planner to keep track of tasks, appointments, and important information. Update it whenever something changes.

If you use it consistently, a good planner can make school life way, way easier.

3. Take great notes.

Taking better notes in class makes everything easier, from studying to staying awake in class. Here are some strategies to improve your note-taking skills:

• Come to class with notebooks, pens, pencils, highlighters, etc. Make sure your devices are charged if you're taking electronic notes.
• Actively participate in class discussions, pay attention to what the teacher says, stay focused on the material, and minimize distractions.
• Listen for main ideas, key concepts, and important details. Avoid trying to write down everything the teacher says. Instead, keep an ear out for information that is relevant to the main topics for the day. Otherwise, you might find yourself getting overwhelmed by trying to jot down unnecessary details.
• Doodle away! Adding visual aids like diagrams, charts, and graphs into your notes can help you understand and remember complex concepts and make your notes more fun.
• Stay organized… make your notes easy to find and review later by keeping them all in the same notebook or folder and labeling them by date, subject, or topic. Great notes won’t do you any good if they’re lost!

4. Do your homework.

Homework isn't meant to be a punishment, it's meant to help you learn the concepts presented in class. Set aside time every day to work on your homework. This is a great discipline you'll be grateful for. It's easy to get distracted and pulled away from what has to be done, but don't wait until the last minute to finish your work or study for your exam. You'll be stressed out and won't get as much out of what you're working on

Mike said, "I thought only super-smart people could be organized. But it's really simple to just keep track of everything I need to do, in one place. It helps a ton."

5. Ask questions.

Don't be afraid to ask questions. In fact, teachers like students who are willing to raise their hand and ask for further explanation of something. Believe it or not, most teachers do really want you to LEARN and if something doesn't make sense, they want to help you understand. If you aren't comfortable asking in front of the entire class, stop by after class to talk to the teacher.

Shana wrote, "At first I didn't want to ask for help. But when I realized the teachers appreciate it when we make an extra effort, it makes class so much better."

Don't be another one of those students that just tries to get by. The whole point of learning is to develop knowledge about things you don't know. On top of that, everybody processes information differently. So if you feel like you're not catching something, or missing some details, it really is quite normal. It does NOT mean you are stupid. Your teachers, or even tutors, are there to help you. Don't wait until too late to get help.

6. Explore and try new things.

Use your time in school to explore various interests you might have. Maybe you've been trapped in the path of just doing sports, but you'd like to try something in the music department. Or maybe you've always loved science but decided to try a literature class and love it. View this as a great time to test out different activities and subjects you've always wondered about.

7. Make a commitment to reach out to others.

It can be extremely stressful worrying if you'll have any friends, or if you'll be alone and not able to blend in. This is especially true of students who are enrolling in a new school. Believe it or not, 1 out of every 4 people is new at your school this year. That means there are plenty of people who are facing the same kind of fear and stress that you are.

Stephen said, "One of the hardest things for me is to be alone at school. It can feel like everyone is talking about me, or worse, ignoring me."

Look for the people who are usually sitting by themselves in the lunchroom, in the library, etc. They are probably just hoping and waiting for someone to talk to them. Reach out to them, find out who they are, what they like to do, etc. Don't be afraid of being too aggressive. You will discover your new friends sooner than you think. Taking time to reach out to them will go a long way in making the school year great for that person, as well as yourself. Check out this TRUE story about what happened when someone was brave enough to say hello.

You Can Do This!

Commit to these goals because how this school year goes academically is really up to how much time and effort you put in. Believe in yourself. You can do this! And as you meet some of your realistic goals for each class, you will get a lot of personal satisfaction.

Remember, it's up to you to decide what kind of school year you're going to have. This much we do know, having a great education greatly increases your chances of being successful in life. Make the most of it while you can.

If one of the challenges you face at school is making friends, please read my post on How to Make Friends.

Why You Shouldn't Lie

Lying is a Horribly Destructive Habit 

Any destructive habit leads to painful consequences. When we choose to lie, we also choose to suffer. Think how much better off we’d be if we stopped lying and lived the truth. Listen to the words of Jennifer: "I was lied to my whole life by my mother. Every day it was something new. After living with her for 14 years, I sometimes find myself exaggerating, and making up stories to seem cool. I don’t ever want to be like my mother, so how do I stop before I hurt my family, friends, and myself?"

Jennifer realizes that lying can go from one generation to the next. One hurt person will then hurt another person because the curse of lying is not stopped.

Once we see how easy it can be to lie and to control what other people think about us, we start sliding down that slippery slope, leading to a miserable, addicted place.

https://youtu.be/MJwRg5uMmhM?si=cQOxxf66aU5fbDtg

Why Am I Lying So Much?

Sometimes, honesty is hard. For whatever reason, a lie feels like the easier or safer choice in a situation, and the next thing you know, you’re caught in a web of them. Here are some possible reasons why you might find yourself lying frequently:

• You may lie to avoid facing negative consequences or conflict. Fear of being punished, judged, or rejected can drive you to hide the truth.
• If you struggle with low self-esteem, you might lie to impress others. Lying might temporarily boost your self-image by giving you some positive attention or approval from others.
• Lying can also be a way to shirk responsibility or avoid accountability for your actions. You may make excuses or blame others to avoid owning up to a mistake or a failure or to keep from having to clean up a mess you made.
• Sometimes, people lie to protect the feelings or reputations of others. While this might seem noble, it’s still dishonest, and that will eat away at people’s trust in you over time.
• If lying has become a habitual pattern for you, it might be a coping mechanism you developed because of childhood trauma, or a behavior that you learned from a dysfunctional family member.
• Lying can also be a symptom of underlying mental health issues like anxiety, depression, or personality disorders.

If any of these sound familiar, don’t worry—it's never too late to make positive changes. Examine the root causes of your lying habit and address them with honesty and self-compassion. Seeking support from a licensed therapist can give you the guidance and tools you need to cultivate self-awareness and healthier coping mechanisms

So, the most important question we can ask today is: How do we stop lying?

8 Practical Steps to Stop Lying

1. Admit you have a problem.

This is always the first, biggest, and most difficult step. Find someone you trust and tell them about your lying habit…no matter how big or small you think the problem is. The fact is, you don’t want to lie anymore, but you can’t stop lying on your own. You need help to stay accountable. Megan said: "When I met the man who is now my husband, I knew I needed to work on [my lying] because I wanted to be completely truthful with him. I told him that I wanted his help, and was amazed that he loved me enough to stick with me (even the few times I lied to him) and fight it out with me."

2. Remind yourself how lying messes up your life.

Lying destroys relationships and adds a tremendous burden to your life. Understanding that there will be consequences is a powerful deterrent to breaking the habit of lying. Phillip suffered the consequences of his lying in a big way: "I used to lie all the time, and I would normally end up getting caught in the end. It took me going to prison to find out that the truth is a much better way to go than to lie about everything. Take the time to think about what the consequences are going to be of what I say or are about to do?"

3. Try to figure out what pressured you to lie.

What were you trying to hide? What would have been a better way, to tell the truth? For example, all addicts feel they must lie to cover up their addiction. The more they cover up their addiction, the better they get at lying and deceiving. Almost every lie has a reason behind it. Wrong actions almost always lead to lies. The reason Hannah lies is to control the people around her. That in itself can be an addiction. "I try not to lie, but if I see someone that I like pulling away from me because they think I’m weird, I’ll start telling lies to get me closer to them. I end up living this horrible lie."

4. Tell someone when you lie.

Admitting a lie can make a world of difference, and while it might hurt your pride, it’s far better than being a liar. Even better, confess to the person you lied to immediately and seek their forgiveness. This is humbling, but it will cause you to stop and think before you tell another lie. Someone once said Confession is good for the soul. And it is also good at helping us break bad habits.

It would also be wise to confess your lying before God. After all, He’s heard every lie you’ve ever told. And when you confess, you can also ask God to help you break the habit. The Bible promises God will always show us a way out:

"No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." 1 Corinthians 10:13.

God actually has a lot to say about lying in the Bible. Check out these Verses of Hope for Lying.

5. Be realistic about what you promise to others.

Deliberately broken promises are lies that lead to broken hearts. If you promise to do something and never intend to follow through, that is a lie. Additionally, many lies begin as a way to cover up the fact that we can’t possibly do everything we promised we were going to do. Be honest about what you’re capable of doing, admitting to yourself and others your limitations, and you won’t feel a need to lie.

6. Talk to others about their expectations of you.

If you find yourself lying to cover up how you have fallen short of others expectations of you have a conversation with your parents, friends, or teachers in order to come to an agreement about what is reasonable for them to expect. Don’t sell yourself short. You may not be expecting enough of yourself, but an open discussion to get everyone on the same page is important.

7. Practice telling the truth.

When you start to feel the urge to lie, stop and think for a moment. Think about what the other person would feel about you if they knew you were lying. Think about how you would feel if people lied to you all the time. And then, as painful as it may seem, tell the truth. The more we tell others the truth, the easier it is to continue to do it. Lying is a bad habit. Telling the truth is a good habit. Work on breaking your bad habit by replacing it with a good one. Angel said: "It spreads like wildfire when someone is caught lying. Then, when the person is actually telling the truth, no one will believe them because they have told so many lies. For the sake of your family, friends, and loved ones, always tell the truth, even if you are afraid of the outcome!”

8. Commit to a life of honesty, at all costs.

Telling the truth might be horribly uncomfortable for you, but you’re starting to walk down a path of honesty and integrity, turning yourself into the person you desire to be. If you don’t know the answer to a question, don’t lie and make something up. Say, I don’t know. The freedom of the truth will be liberating.

Like any Addiction - It's Not Easy to Stop Lying...But Worth It.

Let’s be honest…it is going to be very difficult to stop lying. Claudia admitted: "I have learned that when you start lying, it is hard to stop. It takes a lot of hard work and determination to get over a habit that has been a big part of your life."

However, as you wake up to the reality of what you’re saying and doing and put a stop to the lies you are telling, you will soon reap the benefits of living a peaceful life. I promise, if you put forth an effort to stop this toxic and destructive habit right now, you’ll be grateful forever.

Leave a comment below. I’d love to hear what you think are some of the rewards of being honest.

For more help to stop lying, check out, Top Two Reasons You Should Stop Lying Plus How Liars Get Caught. 

Navigating the Intensity: Love vs. Infatuation

Meeting someone who suddenly makes you feel alive and loved is very exciting! You may think no one has ever made you feel like this, and you can't help but be amazed at the chemistry, or electricity, between you and this new love. Many relationships start this way. But sadly, if you don't take the time to get to know each other before jumping into something serious, heartbreak can happen in the end.

Often these kinds of relationships built on infatuation can die as quickly as they spring up. Wikipedia defines infatuation as:  the state of being completely carried away by unreasoning passion or love; addictive love. Infatuation usually occurs at the beginning of a relationship. It is characterized by urgency, intensity, sexual desire, and or anxiety, in which there is an extreme absorption in another.

The truth is this feeling of urgency and intensity or strong attraction toward another person is not necessarily a reliable indicator of whether you are in love or should immediately dive into a serious dating relationship.

The wisest man in the Bible, King Solomon, said, Guard your affections, for out of them come the issues of life. I see far too many people jumping into relationships and not guarding their affections, only to become confused, disillusioned, and devastated.

We need to keep telling ourselves the basic truths of a healthy and truly loving relationship.

How to Start a Healthy Relationship

The Best Dating Relationships Develop out of Great Friendships

Finding a meaningful relationship takes time. While you spend time getting to know someone as a friend, you can see more clearly whether they are right for you and you for them. There is no more valuable friend to a dating relationship than time. But sadly, many people want to feel that rush of emotion that makes them feel like they are in love. So, they push hard and quickly to feel that overwhelming emotion that says, I am in love. But is it really love?

Rushing into a relationship is always a mistake. Be patient with the process. Impatience is a sign of relational immaturity that will lead to an unimaginable amount of hurt.

The truth is that the best dating relationships develop out of great friendships.

Riah describes how rushing into a relationship has a lot of disadvantages, "First, if you go too far, you could get hurt mentally because of a bad breakup, and physically, you could get an STD or something. Just because a guy says he likes something about you doesn't mean you need to get into a relationship. Some guys can talk, but that doesn't mean you must fall head over heels for them. Because then you gave your heart away way too fast,t and you're open to being hurt very easily. To me, that is like settling for anything and you shouldn't settle for less than the best. Don't rush into something that you didn't even have time to think about." 

People Don't Fall in Love; They Fall in Ditches

When you rush into a romantic relationship, you:

• Say things you don't mean.
• Make promises you can't keep.
• Dig a hole that's hard to get out of.
• Arouse expectations you can't fulfill.
• Trust your feelings rather than the truth.
• Find it easy to make wrong choices.
• Don't give the relationship time to grow in a healthy way.
• Keep looking for more emotional thrills and then invite the curse of boredom into the relationship, where everything normal starts to feel boring.
• End up spending too much time with the one you're dating and excluding your friends.
• Believe in the myth of love at first sight. There's no such thing. There's good chemistry at first sight, but not love at first sight. People don't fall in love; they fall in ditches.

Misplaced Hunger for Love Can Hurt You

The picture of relationships we see on television or in the movies doesn't allow us to see the time and commitment it takes to build a solid foundation. After a 22-minute episode or a 90-minute movie, we are left thinking that most romantic relationships happen very quickly, are extremely intense, and will last forever. The fact is that strong relationships develop slowly over time with much hard work and commitment. 

Most people I talk to on my show are so anxious to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, sometimes just to feel loved. While it is a great thrill to meet someone you connect with or feel attracted to, don't let your hunger for love throw you into a situation that is going to distract and hurt you.

Amber is honest when she admits her need to always be in a relationship, "I'm quick to open my heart too early because I lack that something. I'm always told that I act immature in relationships, and I tend to push them over the edge. I do not trust men and I feel the need to test them to see if they will hurt me. When a girl is hurt by a male or she lives life with an absent father figure, there is a void in her soul and she searches high and low to fill it. If it even RESEMBLES a small taste of what has been missing, she grabs it, not being logical in her actions but so emotionally consumed that filling that void is all she sees."

Is 1 Month Too Soon to Say I Love You?

The big three words. They’re exciting. They’re scary. They mean a lot of things on top of their intended message, and their meaning changes depending on when, where, why, and to whom you say them. No pressure.

Ultimately, it’s an extremely personal decision to introduce them into a new relationship. There’s no right or wrong answer to when it’s the right time to say, “I love you.” The only truly wrong move would probably be to lie about your feelings to manipulate someone. So if there’s no right time to say “I love you,” how do you decide when you’re ready?

First, you need to get clear on what “love” means to you. When you’re young and a relationship is new, hormones and emotions are intense. You might be on cloud nine, enjoying every second that you spend with this person, thinking about them all the time, and staying up all hours to talk to them even when you aren’t together. That can certainly feel like love. But is it?

For you, does saying “I love you” imply “I want to marry you,” or is it more like “I want to be your girlfriend, and I expect you to ask me to the prom”? When you think of “love” in its truest form, do you think of something that’s only lasted four weeks? Or do you think about the sweet elderly couple who still hold hands in the park on their daily walks? Is love just a feeling that gives you butterflies, or is love also a decision and a commitment? When the butterflies are gone, does that mean you’ve fallen out of love? Or does that just mean that you and your partner have learned to trust and depend on each other in a healthy, stable way?

Here’s the thing—some couples get married within three weeks of meeting one another, have three kids, and build a lovely family. So, if you have done your due diligence, searched your soul, and determined that “love” is absolutely what you feel—it may be right to tell this person you love them! However… if it’s really love, there’s also no rush.

Even that couple who got married at three weeks would probably tell you the real love kicked in after they got to know each other, worked hard to foster their connection, and continually chose one another day after day. If you and this person share something special, chances are that waiting another day, week, or month to say “I love you” won’t ruin that.

When in doubt, talk to your partner. Tell them what’s been on your mind, and ask them if they have thought about what saying “I love you” means for a relationship. At the one-month mark, you and your partner may or may not be ready to say, “I love you.” Whether you say the words or not, use this time together to build a strong foundation through genuine connections and shared experiences. Have fun, treat each other with love, and the words will come when the time is right.

Just Slow Down

I have talked to thousands of young adults who keep making the same mistake over and over again. I tell myself if I can just get some of these tragic souls to slow down and get a hold of themselves, I can save them hours of unnecessary drama and needless suffering.

I would also recommend taking the time to pray to God and ask him to guide you as you consider a relationship with someone.  This is an important decision that involves your heart.  Solomon also said, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6  God wants to guide you and protect you so ask Him!

Just remember what Jessica has to say: "Don't jump in too quick, get to know the guy first. Talk to people who know him and that will help you see the real him. Make sure he has a good relationship with his family. That can tell a lot about a guy, especially the way he treats his mother." 

Are you questioning if what you are feeling is real love? Read - How to Know It's Really Love.

What to Know About Mind Games

Is Playing Mind Games Emotional Abuse?

What is a mind game? Generally, a “mind game” is a manipulation tactic, when someone intentionally chooses words and actions in hopes of controlling a situation or person. While “mind games” are intentional, they may also be subconscious, especially if the manipulator is young or has mental health issues. They may not be aware of the game they’re playing, or of the impact it has on others, but they’re still intentionally seeking control.

“Gaslighting” is a classic example of a mind game that can be a form of emotional abuse. This is when someone denies or distorts reality to make their partner doubt their perceptions. It’s a tactic commonly associated with narcissistic behavior—not the same thing as your grandma genuinely not remembering your fourth-grade dance recital. If, however, your grandma denies that she attended your fourth-grade dance recital, despite the fact that you have photo evidence and vividly remember how she said you looked fat in your leotard, the bad news: grandma’s a gaslighter.

The “silent treatment” and “withholding” are also commonly employed mind games, and if they happen regularly in one of your relationships, it could be emotional abuse. We’re all guilty of being manipulative to get what we want from time to time, but the question of abuse comes in when we’re not able to own it and change, constantly repeating toxic behaviors no matter who gets hurt.

1. Trust your instincts. If you feel like something’s off, say something. Manipulation tactics often rely on the victim doubting their own reality. By staying true to your feelings and perceptions, you may be able to render someone’s mind games useless.

2. Establish boundaries. If you think you’re being manipulated, say something. Give them a clear picture of what treatment you will or won’t accept. Healthy relationships thrive on open communication and mutual respect. If they continue playing mind games after you’ve told them to stop, that’s a sign that their behavior is emotional abuse, not just a one-time mistake.

3. Seek support. A major way that emotional abusers are able to get away with their behavior is that they make their victims feel embarrassed or afraid to tell others what’s going on. Share, share, share your experiences with trusted friends, family members, or counselors. When you’re in the middle of someone else’s mind game, getting an outside perspective can help you stay connected to what’s true vs. what your manipulator wants you to think. Validation from others can reinforce your sense of reality and help you identify when you’re in an emotionally abusive situation.

Reasons Why People Play Mind Games in Dating Relationships

I hear from many of you about how confusing and frustrating dating relationships can be. It is simply hard to understand the opposite sex, especially when the person you are interested in plays mind games. It can get in the way of a deep meaningful relationship.

Dawn asked: Why do guys bother with the mind games? You know, when they say one thing and mean another just to get what they want?

To be fair, girls play mind games too. So let's include both sides here. There could be several reasons why guys or girls play mind games, and sometimes they don't even know they are playing games because they are so unaware of their own needs, much less yours.

If you’re wondering how to figure out whether you’re in a relationship with someone who plays emotionally abusive mind games, here are three tips:

Here Are a Few Reasons I've Observed Over the Years and How to Respond.

Reason 1: To Manipulate

Some people use mind games to selfishly manipulate others so they can get what they want to meet their own unmet needs. This may include:

• sex
• always having someone by their side
• having someone adore them
• a need to control someone
• hoping another person will heal their deepest hurts
• boosting their self-image because they have someone to show off to others
• having someone to listen to them

Not all these needs are wrong, or unhealthy. It is the way they go about getting those needs met that can be selfish and hurtful.

So, what should you do in this case?

Call Their Bluff

It's important for the person who is playing mind games with you to know that you know the game is being played. You may want to confront them directly and ask what exactly their motives are in your relationship. This will do one of two things: it will either challenge them to stop the games with you and move on to someone else, or they'll quit not only messing with your head but also with your heart. You don't need to waste time with mind players. Who needs the drama? Not you! Read about how to have a meaningful relationship here.

Perhaps they are unaware of his manipulative and game-playing ways. Someone once said, "A liar will first lie to himself before lying to others." Your willingness to lovingly, but firmly, confront someone about what they have clearly been doing may help them to stop a game they may not even know they are playing. But remember this: don't simply listen to what they say, watch what they do. That will tell you more about motives than anything. I want very much for you to have a great, loving relationship, but I sure don't want you hurt by a game player. You can do much better than him.

What's Another Reason for Mind Games?

Reason 2: They Like the Rush

Kourtney asked: "Why would a guy flirt and act like he likes me and then all of a sudden stop? I have this guy friend who would email daily and tell me everything that’s going on and then he just stopped." In another question, Brittany asked: "Why in the world do guys act like they like you one minute and then the next they treat you like they barely know you?"

Some people want to see if they can get a guy or girl to like them. To them, it is more like a game or a challenge. They say to themselves, 'If I can get a girl or guy to fall for me, then I must be pretty cool". All of this comes from low self-esteem and an unawareness of how they hurt others. Still, others are in a frantic state of mind, wanting that thrill of knowing at least one person cares about them. It’s like a high. But they soon get bored once they think the person they have been pursuing actually likes them. Then they are on to the next conquest. The hunt is on for the next rush. Sadly, many people have very little insight into what they are doing and why.

Well, that stinks...so now what?

Confront and Move On

You have a choice in this. You can choose to confront this guy and ask him what he’s really feeling (be prepared for him to become angry and defensive because no one likes being found out — remember, he may not fully understand why he’s doing what he’s doing either!). Or you can take his indifference as a clue that he’s not truly interested in you, and move on. You don’t have to be a victim of another person’s lack of consideration for others. 

I Have One More Reason for Mind Games...

Reason 3: Testing The Water

Other times, people play with your mind in an attempt to find out how you feel about them. It takes so much courage to be vulnerable enough to share our deepest needs of wanting to love and be loved. What if you tell someone you really care for them and you are rejected in some way. You may feel like you are being led on, but perhaps the other person is just too nervous to make the first move.

Riah asked: “When you know a guy likes you and that guy knows you like him, then why does it take so long for him to make the first move?”

For years, there’s always been pressure on guys to make the first move. Now it seems girls are getting more aggressive all the time. Still, in many relationships, both genders (either consciously or unconsciously) expect the guy to be the initiator and the girl to be the responder.  Remember, a lot of guys act tough and macho, but inside they are also afraid of rejection.

Wondering how to move things forward...

Suggest Defining the Relationship

You may want to help each other out by making a simple suggestion. You might say something like this: "You know, you and I have been talking to each other for a while and I’m a little confused. So let’s define our relationship." This allows you to talk about it in a non-threatening way. Being emotionally open and vulnerable isn’t easy, but it might have great rewards or allow you to move on.

Remember that nobody’s perfect, and we’re all learning. If you’ve caught yourself playing mind games, take the opportunity to own that and do better. If you think you might be in an emotionally abusive relationship, speak up, set boundaries, and ask for support. As always, please reach out to one of our Hope Coaches if you need more clarity on healthy relationships and emotional abuse. We’re here, so you never have to deal with life’s toughest questions alone!

Best Ways to Be a Great Friend

How Can I Be an Amazing Friend?

Friendship is one of the best gifts life has to offer. Being a great friend means making an effort to show your friends you care.

I never thought I would write an article on being a great friend. But I am amazed how many people reach out to TheHopeLine who down deep are lonely and need a good friend. The fact of the matter is we are all wired for meaningful relationships. Studies show if you have good friends throughout your life, you will live longer.

There is a lot of truth behind the common saying, In order to have a great friend, you must first be one. I hope to help you gain some insight on how to be a great friend.

Being an enthusiastic listener, spending quality time, and sending encouraging cards or gifts; all these can go a long way toward strengthening a friendship. If your friend is going through a tough time, offer support. If you're not sure what to do, or if you feel they need more help than you can offer, there are support organizations, mentors, and counselors your friend can get connected with.

Friendship also involves learning how to set and keep healthy boundaries. None of us can be everything or do everything, even for the people we're closest to. It's okay to ask for alone time, or to not answer calls or texts immediately. You should also let your friend know what you need, when you are hurting, and how they can help if you are going through a difficult time. Strong friendship is a two-way street, where there is a healthy give and take between you.

What makes someone a bad friend?

Friendship is hard. One minute, we’re all playing together on the same playground, and the next, we’re competing for solos in the show choir, playing opposite each other in sports, or changing schools. You might wake up one day to find you have absolutely nothing left in common with someone you used to be able to talk to for hours. Or maybe you’ve had the same “best friend” your whole life, and you find yourself wondering if they even like you. There’s a lot of advice out there about how to be a good friend, but how do you spot a bad one? Here are a few signs someone isn’t living up to the definition of the word “friend.”

1. You can’t trust them. Trust is the foundation of any friendship, and breaches of this trust can strain the relationship. Someone who struggles to keep things confidential or shares your personal information without consent might be a bad friend. 

2. They’re consistently negative. Friends should uplift and support each other. If someone constantly brings negativity into your life, whether they’re critical of you and others, they’re always gossiping, or they’re just generally pessimistic about life, it could be a sign you’re in a toxic friendship.

3. It’s a one-sided relationship. A healthy friendship involves mutual give and take. If you find that you're consistently putting in more effort, or your friend only reaches out when they need something, that’s not a fair dynamic.

4. They lack empathy. A good friend is understanding. If your friend consistently dismisses your feelings, fails to listen, and can’t (or won’t) ever see your point of view, there’s a lack of emotional support, which is key to any friendship.

5. There’s a sense of jealousy and competition. Healthy friendships celebrate each other's successes. If a friend seems consistently jealous of the good things happening in your life or gets overly competitive with you about everything, that’s another unhealthy dynamic that may lead to resentment.

6. They’re unreliable. Someone who frequently cancels plans, arrives late, or fails to follow through on commitments isn’t prioritizing your friendship or treating it with respect. Reliability is essential for building trust, which we talked about in #1.

7. They betray your boundaries. Respecting each other's boundaries is crucial in any friendship. Whether they’re texting your boyfriend or asking to copy your homework, if a friend constantly crosses your boundaries without consideration, it may be a red flag.

8. They don’t apologize or take responsibility. Everyone makes mistakes, but a bad friend may struggle (or refuse) to apologize or take responsibility for their actions. If there's a consistent pattern of blame-shifting, that’s another red flag.

9. They’re a negative influence. If a friend consistently pushes you to do things you’re not interested in or participate in activities that don’t make your life better, that’s not uplifting (see #2). Whether they drag you into unhealthy behaviors or encourage poor decision-making, it's time to reevaluate whether this friendship is good for your well-being.

What do you do if you think you have a bad friend? You don’t have to “break up,” but you should definitely try talking to them. Start with curiosity and empathy—a lot of the above may be signs that your friend is struggling with their mental health… A little support could help them get back to a place where they’re able to be a good friend. However, if you talk to them, and they can’t acknowledge their issues (see #8), it’s probably time to distance yourself until you see change.

So, how can you learn to be a great friend? What does it take?

If you're struggling with making friends or resolving conflicts in a friendship, it may help to find support from someone you trust, or to get help from a mentor or counselor. 

Here are some qualities of a great friend. As you learn how to be a good friend, in turn, you'll be teaching your friends how to become better ones.

Here are 9 Ways You Can Become a Great Friend:

1. Be real. People are turned off by those who are constantly trying to be someone they are not. We are most comfortable around others who are comfortable in their own skin. So just be yourself. Even though you aren't perfect, the way you handle your strengths and faults with humility and confidence will give other people permission to be real and relaxed with you, as well. Real friends are relaxed around each other.

2. Be honest. Keep your promises and do what you say you're going to do. Be reliable. Nobody wants to be friends with someone who lies. And lies always have a way of coming to the light. Also, friends will say the truth to one another, even when it's hard. The wisest man in the Bible, King Solomon, said: Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful. 

Shannon got caught up in an eating disorder until her friend called her out: I was addicted to being skinny and looking absolutely perfect. I never really understood what I was actually doing to myself until a good friend of mine talked to me about it.

3. Take an interest in the details of your friend's life by being a good listener. Don't watch television or text while your friend is sharing something with you. Most times people need more than good advice, they need someone to listen to them as they talk through their feelings. Ask them what's going on in their life and how they feel.

Mari commented: Kyler is my best friend because he listens. No matter what is going on he is genuinely interested in how I am. He always has my back and would drop everything if I needed him.

4. Make time for your friend. Time is one of the greatest gifts we possess. When we share extra time with a friend, we are giving back to them that gift. No friendship can develop overnight. It takes time. A real friend will take that time.

5. Keep their secrets. Prove yourself to be a trustworthy person who will guard their secrets with your life. A good way to prove you are trustworthy is to be free to share some of your own secrets with your friend. King Solomon also said:  Friends come and friends go, but a true friend sticks by you like family. Are you willing to be a friend like that?

6. Encourage your friend. Everyone needs encouragement. Find specific ways to encourage your friend. Even in the depths of their struggles, show them what you see to be special about them and be willing to pick them up when they are depressed or feel like life is pressing in on them from all sides.

7. Be loyal to your friend. This is unconditional acceptance, even when your friend makes a mistake or really screws up. Be there when they are experiencing their highest highs and their lowest lows. Laugh with them, cry with them, don't just talk about always being there. Prove it in your everyday life! Delaney wrote to me and said: I have great friends who are always there for me and always know how to make me happy.

8. Be willing to work through conflict. Every relationship will hit a speed bump at one time or another. Show your friend you are willing to work through the difficult times of misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Sometimes friendships grow stronger through the difficult times. Don't give up on your friend just because you are having difficulties.

9. Watch out for your friend. When you see your friend getting into a dangerous situation whether it's with drugs or alcohol, or maybe even a destructive relationship, be bold enough to step in and protect your friend from the harm you see coming their way. Narda commented: My best friend is more than a best friend, she's more like a sister. And she feels that same way. We both have each other back, now and forever.

It takes a lot of work and commitment to be a great friend. But it is worth it. Keep in mind there are people all around you who are looking for friends. So, continue developing good friends and your life will be far better for it.

Making friends can be a very difficult task for some. Are you having a hard time making friends? Here are 4 steps to help you make friends. 

Ways to Soften Your Heart to God

Thinking About God in a New Way

Life can do a number on our faith. Sometimes, life is so painful and difficult, or we are so caught up in unfulfilling relationships and harmful behaviors, that we turn away from our faith in God. 

There are other times when someone else who believes in God hurts us. That feeling of being betrayed by someone who is supposed to live by their faith and love others can make it all the more difficult to turn back to God.

But it is possible for God to soften your heart. You can change from the inside out and have a relationship with God that is fulfilling and will bring you unspeakable joy. 

What does the Bible say about a hard heart?

To understand how to “soften” your heart, you need to know what a “hard heart” is. "Hard heart" is a term used in the Bible and pop culture to describe a person who is stuck in a place of insensitivity or resistance to the love of God and others—think Ebenezer Scrooge. No matter what anyone says or does to help or guide you, your hard heart refuses to listen… you’re emotionally stubborn, either by choice or because life has hurt you over and over.

When the Bible talks about the concept of a hard heart, there’s usually an emphasis on the need for openness, humility, and receptiveness to God's love. In Ezekiel 36:26, God promises to "give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." A heart made of stone wouldn’t be hurt easily, but it also wouldn’t be very good at pumping blood, which keeps us alive. You need your heart (your feelings) to experience life to the fullest, but that can be risky.

Jesus had a profound understanding of the pain we might suffer as humans, which is why he took a compassionate approach to those who hardened their hearts. In Matthew 11:28–30, Jesus extends an invitation, saying, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." He knew that our hearts weren’t hardened for fun. Our hearts are hardened to protect us from a scary world, so his invitation is to rest, let go of everything we’re afraid of or resisting, and trust that if we let his love in, it will be worth it.

To soften your heart to God, you have to be willing to surrender the idea that you can keep it all together by yourself, admit that you need help, and accept the transformation that can happen when you let divine love into your life. It's an ongoing process—some days your heart may feel harder than others, and that’s okay. Embrace the compassion of Jesus, who understands our challenges without judgment, and be patient with yourself as you learn how to open yourself to all the spiritual and emotional experiences on your path.

Everyone’s journey is different, but if you are open to considering what a relationship with God might look like for you, I believe God is working in your life right now, to soften your heart towards Him. Here are some important things to think about on this journey: 

1. Start with Prayer and Ask God for a Softer Heart

And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26

Here’s the best part about softening our hearts toward God, we don’t have to do it on our own. God actually gives us a softened heart when we turn to him in search of healing from our hardened heart. Having a softened heart is like having a whole new heart that is more refreshed, more willing to love God and others, and more open to trusting Him.

If you’re struggling to put things into words, here’s a prayer you can say to ask God for a softer heart:

Heavenly Father,

I know you have the power to soften anyone’s heart. I want to have a softer heart toward you and others. Please give me a new heart that accepts your love and forgiveness and extends it to myself and others.

In Jesus’ name, Amen. 

God is so rich in forgiveness and love that He will start softening your heart as soon as you ask Him in faith. Whether you are a new believer who is struggling to stay strong, or someone who has been turned away from faith for a long time, God is ready to draw near to you and soften your heart with his mercy and love.

2. A Relationship with God Softens Your Heart

Think about having a relationship with God like a relationship with a friend. When we go through difficult times with our friends, our hearts might feel colder towards them. However, as we think through how important this person is to us, we realize we want to restore that relationship, and we allow our hearts to soften to that possibility. We make room to reach out to our loved ones, and to build a greater sense of trust in them. 

There’s no doubt this kind of work in a relationship with a friend is very worthwhile. How much more with God, who created us out of deep love for us, and gave our lives a unique purpose? 

Thinking about God as someone you have a relationship with, rather than a concept you have to understand, is a great first step toward opening the door for a stronger, richer faith in Him.

3. Understand Why Your Heart has Hardened 

As with any difficulties we are trying to work through, it helps to understand how we got to where we are. 

• Can you think of any times when you decided to turn away from God and toward a less fulfilling, harmful choice (like a toxic relationship, or an addictive behavior)?
• Did a traumatic event or painful loss cause you to lose faith in God?
• Did another believer hurt you or betray your trust?
• Did you decide you could figure things out on your own?

Being honest about what harms our relationship with God and hardens our hearts is difficult, but it’s an important step toward changing our hearts and minds and turning them back toward God.

4. See the Harm of Hardening Your Heart

They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart. Ephesians 4:18 

It is a serious thing when we allow our hearts to grow cold and harden toward God. Not only does it add to our spiritual and emotional pain, but it alienates us from the deep joy and peace we would otherwise have if we were more open toward God and more honest about our need for him. Hardening our hearts can:

• Make it harder for us to see the good things God gives us every day,
• Make it more difficult for us to see the good in others, or to love and forgive them.
• Lead us into darker, more desperate feelings that can further harm our minds and hearts.

5. Ask for Forgiveness for a Hardened Heart

Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy. Blessed is the one who fears the LORD always, but whoever hardens his heart will fall into calamity. Proverbs 28:13-14

Being truthful with ourselves about the ways hardening our heart toward God has hurt us and our relationships allows us to find a way forward. We know where we went wrong, and we can ask for forgiveness from God for the choices we’ve made that have hardened our hearts. You can ask for God’s forgiveness in prayer. Here’s an example of a prayer you can pray:

Heavenly Father,

I know I have made choices that have hardened my heart toward you. I’m sorry to have hurt you, hurt myself, and hurt my relationships with others. Please forgive me as I seek to change my heart and soften it toward you.

In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

6. Understand What a Softened Heart Is 

Cast away from yourselves all the transgressions you have committed, and fashion for yourselves a new heart and a new spirit. Why should you die, O house of Israel? Ezekiel 18:31

Once we know the harm of hardening our hearts and are ready to make a change for the better, it’s helpful to understand what it means to have a softened heart.

The desire to soften our heart comes from our innermost being, that place deep within us that longs to be in a relationship with God. It’s the work of the Holy Spirit in our hearts that causes us to listen for God’s guidance, to love and obey God, and to turn away from whatever harms the joy and peace of a relationship with Him. 

Softening our heart will also change our actions. Since we are more open to God and His love, and since we no longer want the pain of a hardened heart, we will make an effort to “cast away” the harmful thoughts and actions that hardened our hearts, so we can start each new day with a heart that is open to loving God and others.

If you need extra encouragement, there is no shame in reaching out for mentoring and support on your faith journey. We all need each other to stay strong in our faith. Talk to a Hope Coach today about your struggles with faith, and how you can keep your heart soft toward God. We are here to listen to you, pray for you, and support you along the way.

Everyone who is currently dating needs to ask the question: Am I in love, or am I in lust? Whatever you do, don't mess up on this question or you will walk into a world of hurt.

What to Know About Lust

Reasons Lust Is Destructive

Lust means over-desire. It is when you take something good, twist it, and add cravings to it so you are consumed until you are gratified. When we speak of lust as it relates to relationships with the opposite sex, it can be defined this way: when a person's body is far more important to you than his or her soul.

Love is the foundation on which our families and society are based. Lust is just a physical emotion we act upon when we get caught up in the moment. However, most of us fall in love with someone we find physically attractive. Because of this, hurt and confusion can easily be caused when you or your partner confuse love and lust with each other. Lust is an intense sexual desire or appetite that is based on self-gratification and has little to do with true feelings for the other person. As someone once said, "Lust is as different from love as night is from the day." That's because love is an act of the will, covered with a deeply passionate and tender affection for another person. Lust wants to get, love longs to give.

It's easy to think, "So what's the problem with lust?" After all, it is all around us, in songs, movies, advertisements, etc. Lust sells because it appeals to the dark side of us that only wants to get.

Here Are Two Serious Problems With Relationships Built on Lust:

1.  It Is Based on Extreme Self-Indulgence, Not Caring About the Other Person. Someone once said, "Hate is the opposite of love." That is true, but so is self-indulgence. Love can hardly wait to give. Lust can hardly wait to get. Lust turns people into liars, deceivers, and manipulators. Their actions towards others are based on the craving to get. Just as a junkie will do about anything to get his fix, someone steeped in lust will do about anything to be self-gratified.

I received an incredible, insightful comment from Sarah. She said, "I dated guy after guy who would only tell me that they loved me when we were being physical. That was when they loved me. The rest of the time I was an object of abuse and rejection." Sarah was wrong in one sense. She said, "They loved me when we were being physical." She should have said, "They loved themselves when we were being physical and I was the object of their gratification." Lust is always ugly because it is self-indulgent and self-centeredness is never a pretty thing.

2. It Abandons the Other Person When It Is No Longer Getting What It Wants. I can't tell you how many times girls have called me on my show to announce they were pregnant, their boyfriend is long gone, and they are left all alone. I call it sex-and-run. I hate hit-and-run accidents because the person who is running is showing zero responsibility towards the person they hit. Lust that causes sex-and-run is even worse. As soon as lust no longer gets what it wants and is forced to face responsibility, it runs...leaving heartbreak in its path. Sex and run is an ugly thing full of selfishness and irresponsibility.

Samantha said, "I have been in this situation a couple of times. I went out with a guy for a year and a half which ended up being a waste of time. I thought I loved him, but I just loved being with someone because I was afraid of being alone. He only wanted me for my body—that was all. I didn't give it to him, so he cheated on me for a long time." It's amazing to me how quickly people in lust scatter when they figure out that their lust will not be gratified.

Aimee Rose sent me a cool comment I had never thought of before. She said something like this: "I've heard you can never fall out of 'love', but you can always fall out of lust." You're right on the money, Aimee Rose. Lust will die in an instant if it is not being fed. In fact, lust can turn to anger when it is rejected.

Lisa M. said, "About 6 months ago, I was with this guy, and I thought it was love. I mean, he said all the right things and did all the right things. I thought I was in love, but it turned out that the relationship was nowhere near love. We had a lot of fights and arguments about sex because he was ready and I wasn't. Well, he didn't get what he wanted, so he got up and left. For a long time, I was dazed and confused, but finally, I got to thinking that if that was love, then he wouldn't have cared about sleeping with me; he would have just gotten pleasure from being around me."

Lust attacks not only guys, but females as well.  So always keep your eyes open for it so you can do all you can to protect yourself from this destructive monster. You deserve so much better. You are worth so much more. Remember, lust kills, but love brings life.

Does Lust Cause Cheating?

Lust, in its essence, is an intense desire or craving, often rooted in physical attraction. While it's a natural human emotion, its impact on relationships can become destructive if you let it get out of control. The link between lust and cheating is not a direct cause-and-effect relationship. There are a lot of factors that go into someone’s decision to cheat on their partner, but it’s true that lust can be, and often is, one of those factors.

The feeling of lust is fun. You get caught up in anticipating some form of physical intimacy, so much so that just thinking about someone can flood your brain with feel-good chemicals that can make it hard to make good choices. That’s when you’re in dangerous territory—your brain starts caring more about getting to the source of those delicious brain chemicals than it does about your values, and if you don’t step in to put a stop to it…. Lust can convince you that whatever it wants will be worth the fallout.

The influence of lust on cheating can manifest in various ways:

• Emotional Disconnect
• Excessive focus on lust or physical desire may lead you to feel emotionally distant from your partner. You’ve traded the rush you get from lust for the true intimacy you could be developing with them. That creates a void that lust might convince you to fill outside of your relationship.
• Impulse Control
• Lust can lead to impulsive decision-making, where the immediate satisfaction of your desires overshadows your consideration of long-term consequences.
• External Temptations
• Your environment can have a significant impact on how you manage lust or desire. If you’re surrounded by friends who talk about their amazing sex lives, play games or watch shows where the characters have frequent or graphic sex, or have a friend who’s been cheating on their partner…. All of that information goes into your brain. Some of that input may trigger lust for you or make you feel like cheating is normal or okay. Learn how to recognize when something like that comes up so that you can navigate your feelings instead of being ruled by them.
• Communication Breakdown
• If you’re not talking to your partner about what you both want out of your relationship, that’s a recipe for unmet needs. When there are misunderstandings or mismatched desires for intimacy, lust can creep in and convince you that you’re missing out when all you really need to do is talk. Instead of building a wall between you and your partner and looking for what you want by cheating, try communication.

Ultimately, the decision to cheat is nobody’s fault but yours. Sure, lust may have played a factor, but lust isn’t the boss of you. You’re responsible for your actions. That said, understanding how lust can tempt you to cheat is an essential step toward being an emotionally healthy partner.

We all want that long-lasting meaningful relationship, but we tend to rush into things. Read my blog to find out how to find that relationship.

No one would deny that lying is a bad habit. Yet many people are clueless as to how big of a problem it is. Sadly, lying can become an unconscious and destructive habit. Let's talk about the different kinds of lies and see if you recognize them.

What to Know About Lying

Types of Lies

Understanding the different types of lies can go a long way in recognizing the issues that the liar is going through - whether it be you or a friend.

1. White Lies

A white lie is often called the least serious of all lies. People tell white lies claiming to be tactful or polite. For example, it could be making up an excuse for not going to a party, or showing appreciation for an undesirable gift. But telling white lies after a while can cause conflict with others because over time they understand the insincerity. That is why white liars can lose their credibility.

https://youtu.be/uqMIaEVyis8?si=ZlXoeRD-np-3CMQz

Patterns of white lies made over time can create distance between you and others, and destroy your credibility.

Brandon admitted, "Sometimes I say I have plans to do something when I don't, just to get out of having to tell someone I don't want to go with them. It seems like the better option, than saying I don't like you." There are other ways Brandon could turn down somebody's offer than telling a white lie.

Shariah said, "I only lie when I tell people I am doing good when I am sad or depressed. I tell them that because I don't want people knowing about what I go through and how my personal life is." By telling this white lie she is showing disrespect for the person who asked a relationship-building question and is putting up a roadblock to a deeper relationship.

2. Broken Promises

Broken promises are a failure to keep one's spoken commitment or promise. Broken promises can be especially damaging when the person who made the promise had no intention whatsoever of keeping their word to begin with. Adam said, "I told a girl I know that I'd go with her to the game even though I knew I wouldn't be able to go. I wasn't trying to hurt her, but I didn't know what else to do."

What Adam doesn't understand is that lying to the girl and breaking the promise does double damage, causing hurt feelings that could have been avoided. By breaking his promise he did great damage to her hope. She no doubt was all excited about going to the game with him, only to have her hopes dashed. Broken promises can lead to broken lives.

3. The Lie of Fabrication

Fabrication is telling others something you don't know for sure is true. Fabrications are extremely hurtful because they lead to rumors that can damage someone else's reputation. Spreading rumors is not only a lie but is also stealing another's reputation. Paul wrote, "I admit that I love spreading rumors. It's all about telling lies about someone you don't like. It usually works."

4. The Bold-Faced Lie

A bold-faced lie is telling something that everyone knows is a lie. It's simple and sometimes cute for a little child to tell a bold-faced lie about not eating any cookies, even though there's chocolate all over his or her face.

As we get older, we try to be more clever with our cover-ups. Some people never grow up and deal with their bold-faced lying even though others know what they're saying is completely false. When people hear a bold-faced lie they are resentful that the liar would be so belittling of their time and intelligence.

Sara said, "I hate lying. Especially when I know everybody knows I'm lying. I feel so dumb." Sara isn't the only one who feels dumb. The people she lies to could also feel the same way.

5. The Lying in Exaggeration

Exaggeration is enhancing a truth by adding lies to it. The person who exaggerates usually mixes truths and untruths to make themselves look impressive to others. An exaggerator can weave truth and lies together causing confusion even to the liar. After awhile the exaggerator begins to believe his or her exaggeration.

Amber confessed she thinks exaggeration actually helped her. "I'm not good at really anything, so I lie about stupid things so that I sound like there is more to me." An exaggerator is a tragic person because he or she feels so little about themselves that they have to make up stories to look good to others.

6. Lies of Deception

A deceiver tries to create an impression that causes others to be misled, by not telling all the facts, or creating a false impression. Jon admitted he was a deceiver, "Sometimes I don't like being seen as smart, so I'll joke around about how smart I am just to try and get people to think that I'm not that smart. It works sometimes. It doesn't feel like lying, I guess I'm just pretending to be something I'm not." Causing deception is a powerful and hurtful tool. It can be very subtle yet deadly.

7. Plagiarism

Plagiarism is both stealing and lying. It consists of copying someone else's work and calling it your own. Plagiarism is a very serious act. Some college and graduate students have even been kicked out of school because of it.

Scott asked a question and admitted his plagiarizing. "Is it lying to copy something from the internet and call it your own? I do this sometimes when working on a paper for school and I run out of time." Scott seems to be confused about his plagiarizing. Yes, Scott, it is lying. Just because it is easy to do does not make it right.

8. Compulsive Lying

Compulsive lying is often caused by low self-esteem and a need for attention; in fact, the compulsive liar finds it all but impossible to stop. A compulsive liar tells their mistruths even when telling the truth would be easier and better. Bree said, "This guy I grew up with tells lies like its no tomorrow. What I don't get is that I actually think he believes every word of the lie is true. I think it's ridiculous." It is more than ridiculous, it is a tragedy.

Have you ever told anyone of these lies? Do you ever wonder if you can get away with lying? The answer is not really. You may be able to lie for a while, but in the end it will come back to haunt you. What starts as a simple white lie over time can turn into a life-destroying habit. It's important to know there is freedom in living and telling the truth. It may be difficult at first, but as Jesus said, The truth shall set you free.

 How to Tell When Someone Is Lying?

Knowing about all these different kinds of lies is great, but what good will it do if we don’t know we’re being lied to? Finding out that you’ve been deceived is a crushing feeling, most of the time… perhaps the most acceptable lie in the entire world is the one you were told so that you’d show up at your own surprise birthday party… if you like surprises, that’s when being deceived might not be the worst feeling. But most of the time, realizing you were lied to makes you feel violated, embarrassed, and sometimes angry. How can we catch liars in action?

• Inconsistent Stories 
• Liars often struggle to keep their stories straight. Have there been contradictions in their explanations?
• Body Language 
• Non-verbal cues can be telling. Look for signs like avoiding eye contact, fidgeting, or unusual gestures. These can be a sign that someone is uncomfortable or nervous, both associated with deceit.
• Changes in Vocal Pitch 
• A noticeable change in someone's voice, such as sudden high-pitched tones or stammering, suggests anxiety, which could be linked to dishonesty.
• Overemphasis and Defensiveness
• Liars may overemphasize their statements or become defensive when questioned. Excessive details or a defensive tone can be red flags. Watch for defensive language, such as excessive use of "I swear" or "to be honest," as it could be a ploy to convince you of their sincerity.
• Inappropriate Smiling or Laughing
• A liar might smile or laugh at odd moments. It could mean they’re trying to diffuse tension or mask their discomfort.
• Avoidance of Direct Answers
• Liars often avoid giving direct answers to straightforward questions. If you ask a follow-up question, do they give you a vague answer? Deflect attention to something else? Change the subject entirely?
• Baseline Behavior
• This one might only be helpful if you know the person well and understand their usual behavior in everyday situations. If they seem to be acting differently than normally, that may indicate they are not being truthful.
• Changes in Blinking Patterns
• Increased blinking or a sudden lack of blinking can be associated with anxiety, which could be because they’re trying to deceive you.

It's important to note that these indicators are not foolproof, and context matters. People may exhibit these behaviors just because they’re confused, anxious, flustered, feeling sick, or in a hurry. Being aware of these signs, however, can alert you to when you should lean in and ask more questions—you’ll either build more trust with someone by noticing when something’s off and offering support, or you’ll learn more about whether someone’s unworthy of your trust.

Are you feeling like you may have a problem with lying and want to get control? Here are 8 practical steps on - How To Stop Lying.