I Want My Daughter to Look Up to Me

“I just found out my girlfriend is pregnant. We are expecting a daughter and I’m addicted to being high…it’s reached that junkie level.” Collin’s an addict and hasn’t had a good past. He made a lot of choices that landed him in various institutions, rehab programs, county jails, and youth deterrent programs. He says, it’s hard for him because he has 3 ½ months before he gets to meet this beautiful baby girl. He wants to be someone she can look up to and say, “That’s my dad.” He knows he hasn’t stepped up to be a good role model yet.

You Can’t Be a Junkie and a Good Father

Collin is a junkie, and nothing’s been able to get him to stay clean. Is his daughter coming enough to get him to stay clean? He can’t be in her life right now because he’s not clean so he’s not healthy. He doesn’t want his daughter living with a junkie. He needs to get cleaned up first, for himself and then for his family and he needs to do it now. He can’t listen to the lie that says go ahead, wait until the baby is born then quit. He needs to get clean now. He needs to come up with a plan. His current plan is not working.

Collin says he does have a plan. He and his girlfriend are moving. He’s going back home to get surrounded by family and get away from his dealers. His girlfriend’s family has been supportive and really embraced Collin, even better than his own family.

Peer to Peer: Advice Needed for Collin

How can Collin use this big change in his life to help him stay clean? There’s no good father who’s a junkie. Collin has a choice to make and it’s time to make some major changes in his life in order for him to be the father he wants to be. It’s not impossible but it’s going to be hard. We had a huge response of calls for Collin: Amber, Samantha, Rachel, “I”, and Joanna had stout, moving, and awesome advice for Collin.

Switch Your Mind to Where Your Child is Your Drug

Amber has been where Collin is at. Here’s what Amber had to say, “You can only do it for so long until you get sick and tired of being sick and tired. You are already making the first step. Now, that you have a little one to look after and you want to be clean for them. You need to switch your mind to where your child is your drug, seeing that child smile, holding that child is your drug.

Do you really want to change and take that step forward in your life or stay down in the dumps? If you’re wanting to better yourself and stay sober, choose your child over the drugs. It’s all in your mind. You have to want what your heart desires. Does your heart desire being in your child’s life more or does it desire the drugs?”

Your Daughter is Worth It

Samantha says, “You’re not alone. You’re never alone. That baby is worth everything. It’s worth the sobriety and nothing else is more important than your child. Life is worth something so much more. My son is 9 years old and I was literally gone for 6 months of that just doing drugs all the time. It took me forever to realize it and it took my parents, saying, “Is that how you want your son to remember you?” That’s what woke me up.”

Collin needs Someone to Hold Him Accountable

Collin says he has someone to hold him accountable and that person is his girlfriend’s sister, Anna. She has a son who is about to turn 3 years old and she’s struggled with alcoholism and has seen so much of herself in Collin. Collin says she’ll hold him accountable.

I believe there also needs to be a guy he can turn to. He needs to start this accountability now, not when he moves. So, there’s trust being built, and advice being given sooner than later.

Your Mind is More Powerful Than Any Drug on This Planet

Rachel got pregnant when she was 18 and had been using (marijuana, pills, alcohol, meth) since she was 15. She used anything she could get her hands on. Rachel got pregnant and stopped using drugs, she shares, “My boyfriend never really stopped the drugs.

He said he was going to but never really did. He saw my daughter a total of about 4 times. I didn’t want him around her when he wasn’t clean. About 2 years ago, he promised he was clean. I said, he could come see her at my house and they spent all evening together. The next day he overdosed. My daughter (9 years old) doesn’t know the real cause of his death because it will just cause her heartache. I’ll tell her when she’s older. Remember, Collin, your mind is more powerful than any drug on this planet and if you put your mind to it, you can overcome anything if you really want to.”

Don’t Let the Drugs Take Your Blessing Away

“I” says, “I don’t have any experience with what you’re dealing with. I’m a stepdad myself but I feel you are on the right path. Do everything you can because there is nothing like seeing a kid smile…it’s such a blessing. Don’t let the drugs take your blessing away. It kills it and will kill you. I didn’t grow up with my dad. I don’t know him, and I wish I had. Not having a dad, I want everything for my kid. Seeing that smile and holding that kid in your arms, there’s nothing like it. You’re taking the right step so continue!”

I Had to Choose Too…My Son or Drugs

Joanna says Collin’s story really touched her because she’s been there. She explains, “I’m an addict and I’m going to live with that forever. I’ve been in that dark place he’s been. I’m a single parent to a 4-year-old now and I had to choose. I’m an addict of being high. I had to choose my son or that lifestyle. My son is most important to me than anything else in the world. You need to get away from the dealers, cut off all those people who are negative, and that are toxic in your life. Let them go because they will bring you down. What’s important is your family, your health, and your child who's coming into the world. When you see your daughter, your heart is going to explode and you’re going to get a high off love and it’s the best kind of high. It’s not going to be easy. You’re going to make mistakes; I have but I work at it every day. Find God and your love with God. God will help you.”

What advice would you give Collin?

Have you had to choose between drugs and your child? What helped you the most? How were you able to stay clean? Share your story and advice with Collin in the comments below! What you have to say could be what helps Collin get through this!

Did Today’s Episode Get You Thinking?

Addiction is a complex condition. Understanding you have an addiction, and that it harms you and your relationships, is a critical step toward recovery. If you are an addict, you need help and support. There are many caring experts and professionals uniquely qualified to mentor and support people with addictions. You can enroll in a drug and alcohol treatment programs, join AA, NA, or a Christ centered 12-step program, or get counseling from a professional!

Resources for Substance Abuse:

For hope and help in overcoming substance abuse and addiction, download our free eBook for information and help to overcome your addiction, Understanding Substance Abuse.
Also, check out my blogs to help you work through addiction:

• Recovery from Addiction
• Staying Clean After an Addiction
• 6 Steps to Change Your Life
• The Opioid Epidemic

You are not alone! Others struggle with similar doubts, fears, and question God sometimes. Here are some of their stories:

• Megan’s Personal Story of Addiction
• Life as a Mother of an Addict and Felon

Need to talk to someone about how you are feeling, then: Chat with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine.

One last thing,

My podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now at our Give Now page.

A Daughter's Journey is a documentary from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.  It shares the story of Sarah Ash and how she coped after the loss of her father to suicide.

Below is part of Sarah's story:

As Sarah graduated from college, she wore her dad's watch. She says, "It’s important to keep the person that you lost by suicide a part of the milestones that you accomplish in life."

Reflections on her Dad

My dad was my middle school basketball coach.  He bought all of the girls these obnoxious colored socks that we wore to games. I still have the socks.  A few months before my dad died, we had just had the biggest game of the season and I had been the lead scorer.

He wrote me a letter after that game:  Dearest Sara, enclosed please find the score sheet from the last game. In life you can accomplish anything you put your mind to. Take care. Love Always, Dad.

I got a tattoo on my foot of his “love always” signature from that letter.

Struggle with Mental Health

My dad was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and to treat it he was on different medications, he did ECT and he did a lot of talk therapy.  For the next few years it was a lot of ups and downs.  Inpatient stays outpatient day programs. I never knew what dad I was getting. Was I going to get my happy dad, my crying dad or my angry dad?

The night my mom found out about my dad’s death she told my sister and me that he had died by suicide.

I am so grateful that my mom was honest with us from the start. It’s allowed us to create this unbreakable bond between the three of us. We don’t have any secrets so I knew that whatever life threw at us we were going to get through it together.

Sarah's Emotions After Losing Her Dad

The initial feelings I had after my dad died were anger, misunderstanding, resentment, sadness, and emptiness.  Something that has helped me since losing my dad has been writing notes to him...sometimes they are feelings that I don’t want to hold on to anymore.  I will just write it out and then throw it in a fire. I see my emotions literally burning and going up to the sky.  It makes me find peace and hope and new life in the flames.

What Has Helped Her Cope

My sister was only 5 when my dad died. There are a lot of father/daughter activities in elementary school and my sister didn’t get to have a "donuts with dad." So we go and get donuts and bring them to the cemetery. It's really special to have our own "donuts with dad." We just sit and talk to him like he’s there with us. Sometimes we will say a prayer or a poem or a song or just sit in silence.

My sister is now the age that I was when my dad died.  All of the milestones that she is having this year have been really hard for me because after they are all over I won’t have any more events that I can hold on to and say, “well when I was that age daddy did this with me.”

What was most helpful for me after my dad’s death was talking about it to anyone who would listen. I started attending a children’s bereavement camp where I was introduced to kids who had experienced the death of a parent or sibling. I started out as a camper and as soon as I was old enough, I started a training session and have been a volunteer for over 5 years now.

Since my dad died, I’ve spent a lot of time in talk therapy. Talking out my emotions, experiences that I hold onto relating to my dad and that’s o.k. But I need to let me live my life. I need to be happy because my dad would want me to be happy.

Mindfulness to me is a way to help me get inside of my emotions and help me process what I’m feeling, why I’m feeling that way and letting myself feel those in the moment. Practicing Yoga is a way that I can just let them go and realize that I am going to be okay.  When I breathe out, it’s just this breath of relief and freeness.

Hope for the Future

I have now graduated from college and have an internship at a children’s hospital. I want to help anyone who is vulnerable. Kids especially are my passion.

In the short years that I had with my dad, he taught me how to treat another person, how to love someone, how to give my best in all situations.

Because of my loss, I know that my capacity for love and empathy and helping others is so strong. I know that I’m going to be okay.

If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. For additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

What to Expect When Grieving Suicide

If you have lost someone to suicide, I am deeply sorry for your loss. I understand the destructive power of depression and suicidal thoughts, and I feel your pain.

The traumatic experience of losing a loved one to suicide is very different than losing a loved one in any other way.  There are feelings and emotions that will be unique to this journey that you are on. And, undoubtedly, this will be something that will stay with you forever.

I am writing this blog to all survivors of suicide loss to simply encourage you that you are not alone.

Your Healing Process is Unique to You

You are not expected to grieve according to any time frame or in any prescribed way.  You are not supposed to just “get over it.”  In fact, it is important that at some point you accept and understand that your life has been forever changed because of this loss and that you may now always view things through a different lens.

However, I want to encourage you that you will find your way again. I have heard it described this way: You will never be the same again, you will never get over it, but you will have a life again, you will wake up in the morning and feel good. You will start to make plans for the future. At some point, life will feel normal again; not the old normal, the new normal.

6 Common Emotions

So while everyone grieves in their own way, there are some common feelings that are unique to people who have lost someone to suicide. They include:

1. A sense of unreality, numbness, nightmares and intrusive thoughts.
2. Feelings of guilt and failure that you were not able to prevent it.
3. An unrelenting need to ask why, to try and make sense of and understand why it happened.
4. Feelings of rejection and abandonment.
5. Anger towards the person you lost, as they are also the person who took the life of the person you loved.
6. A sense of shame and stigma. Concern that other people will think negatively about you. Sometimes this can result in feeling alone and wanting to withdraw from others.

The Unrelenting Need to Ask Why?

This comment on my blog, Why do people End their Life by Suicide, captures the confusion that many people who have lost someone to suicide face.

My nephew hung himself in April... I keep asking myself why why why? He didn't even leave a note. Sometimes I feel angry- why did he leave us?! How could he think that no one cared? If he would've called and said he was hurting and needed someone to be there, I would have! His death (only age 19) has had such an effect on the whole family... so many tears and heartache. I just keep wondering why and will never know...Sam

Frustration and Anger

Suicide produces many painful and confusing emotions in survivors, one of which is frustration at being so violently cut off from the victim with no chance to help them, talk with them, or even say goodbye. This frustration can often lead to anger toward yourself or suicide prevention services (for not saving your friend), or toward your friend, even though they were a victim of depression and suicidal thoughts.

Feelings of Guilt and Responsibility

Frustration can also lead to guilt which can be defined as anger turned inward. Can we talk about the enemy of GUILT for a minute?

Jeffrey Jackson wrote A Handbook for Survivors of Suicide.  In it he says, “Guilt is your worst enemy, because it is a false accusation. You are not responsible for your loved one’s suicide in any way, shape, or form. Write it down. Say it to yourself over and over again, (even when it feels false). Tattoo it onto your brain. Because it’s the truth. Why do suicide survivors tend to blame themselves? Psychiatrists theorize that human nature subconsciously resists so strongly the idea that we cannot control all the events of our lives that we would rather fault ourselves for a tragic occurrence than accept our inability to prevent it. Simply put, we don’t like admitting to ourselves that we’re only human, so we blame ourselves instead.”

Niki left a comment that shows a depth of understanding of where her brother must have been mentally when he died by suicide.

My brother committed suicide 3 weeks ago today. He was a very private person and couldn't easily open up. My heart breaks because I knew he was stressed. I reached out to him on many occasions, but he wouldn't admit the depth of his despair. Then on the night of Easter Monday he hung himself. I so wish it was different, but he must have been in too much pain for too long. What an immense loss to us his family, his girlfriend, his young children and his friends

How to Support Each Other

I took a call on my radio show from Rachel whose friend had died by suicide.  It is really affecting her entire friend group and she is trying to be strong for everyone.  I gave her four pieces of  advice:

1. It's important just to be there and listen to each other. To say, "I’m hurting too and I’m hanging in there with you."
2. Even if she is the "strong one" for everyone else, she needs to take care of herself as well. There is a wall to be hit if you don’t take care of yourself.
3. "Out is the way to go." Get it out...Pray it out, talk it out, cry it out, write it out, scream it out. Just get it out.
4. Find a survivor support group in your area.

Suggestions for What's Next

As you move forward in your life after losing someone to suicide, here are some suggestions to help you along:

1. Know you can survive; you may not think so, but you can.
2. Know you may feel overwhelmed by the intensity of your feelings but that all your feelings are normal.
3. Find a good listener with whom to share.
4. Expect setbacks. If emotions return like a tidal wave, you may only be experiencing a remnant of grief, an unfinished piece.
5. Give yourself permission to get professional help.
6. Be patient with yourself and others who may not understand.
7. Steer clear of people who want to tell you what or how to feel.
8. Consider joining a support group such as a Survivors of Suicide group.
9. Call out to God and lean on your faith to help you through. God promises to be close to the broken-hearted and save those who are crushed in spirit.
10. Ask others to pray for you.  You can post a request on TheHopeLine Prayer.

I'd like to share this video with you from AFSP. It shares the story of Sarah Ash and how she coped after the loss of her father to suicide. You can watch it here. 

There have been a few times in my life when someone I care about has called me or met with me and said, “I just don’t think I can go on living anymore.” It’s overwhelming when a friend or loved one is struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts. Ultimately, they have to make their own choices. But you are not powerless.

Helping a friend who is suicidal starts with having a clear understanding of what you can and can’t do.

• You can listen to your friend.
• You can’t force your friend not to have suicidal thoughts.
• You can encourage your friend.
• You can’t cure the mental illness or change the life circumstances that have discouraged and overwhelmed your friend.
• You can do things to help your friend feel safer when they’re having suicidal thoughts.
• You can’t put yourself in an unsafe situation in order to help someone else.

With these truths in mind, here are some things I do to help a friend who comes to me struggling with thoughts of suicide.

Call 9-1-1

If it’s clear that your friend is planning to hurt themselves or take action on their suicidal thoughts right away, call 9-1-1. Don’t worry about inconveniencing anyone. Let the operator know what is going on and give them a contact number and address for both you and your friend. Be careful to listen to and follow any instructions the operator gives you.

Contact the Suicide Helpline

Sometimes your friend might not be in immediate danger of hurting themselves, but their thoughts might still concern you.

You are going to feel overwhelmed, and you may not know what to do or say. That’s perfectly natural. Don’t beat yourself up in those moments. There’s something you can do that will have a big impact.

Remind your friend that suicide is preventable, and they can get through these tough feelings and heal.

Put your friend in touch with suicide prevention services, where people are trained in how to talk to someone who is considering suicide.

The number for a 24 hour suicide hotline is always good to have on hand. The number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. They also have an online chat. They will do everything they can to deescalate the situation so that your friend feels calmer and is able to get the help they need.

Pray and Encourage

In the days after your friend calls you with suicidal thoughts, they are going to feel drained and discouraged. I find it encourages people in my life who have been struggling when I do things like:

• Remind them what I love about them
• Tell them what they have to offer
• Spend calming time with them in a place where they feel comfortable
• Pray with them (or for them) to be comforted by God’s love, and to find peace and healing

Doing little things to make your friend feel seen, heard, and loved will go a long way toward encouraging and uplifting them after a difficult time.

Get the Support You Need

Of course, you want to make your best effort to practice healthy boundaries with your friend. You are not responsible for their choices, and you should not be the only person they ever come to with their struggles.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, make sure you get the support you need to help yourself through this challenging situation.

TheHopeLine offers resources to help you through relationship challenges and uncertain times. Talk to a HopeCoach if you’re not sure how to help your friend who is suicidal, or if you’re feeling overwhelmed after trying to help them. We are here for you, and you don’t have to go through this alone.

Suicide is not an easy topic to discuss but talking about suicide does save lives. Read my blog for more discussion and understanding of why people end their life by suicide.

If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. For a list of crisis centers around the world and additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

Do you ever feel like things aren’t what they used to be in a friendship? Even with close friends, I can sometimes feel exasperated or tired after we talk or spend time together, and I can’t put my finger on why.

In those moments, I realize I haven’t been setting healthy boundaries. Something has gotten out of balance.
If you feel like:

• You’re the one doing a lot of “heavy lifting” in the friendship
• There isn’t as much give-and-take as there used to be
• You can’t seem to get a word in during a conversation
• You can’t remember the last time you had time to yourself

It may be time to do some boundary work to get things back on track. The great news is strong friendships will only get stronger when people are clear about what they need from one another. Not sure where to start? Try these steps.

Think of What Makes You Feel “Recharged”

If your energy is feeling low after spending a lot of time with friends, that’s nothing to be worried about. The relationships we care the most about are usually the ones we give the most time and energy to. But it’s good to have a sense of how you “recharge” so that you can make your needs clear to the people you care about.

For me, it’s taking some time to myself. I may journal, or go for a walk, or go check out some books at the library. And it really helps me when I feel drained to spend time in prayer or reading about the strength of God’s love. I also do my best to remember to stay hydrated and nourish myself with healthy food. If my body’s running on empty, it will have an impact on how I feel.

Make Your Feelings Known

You can let your friends know your boundaries in a kind and loving way. Saying something like “I’ve been feeling really tired and need to take some time to recharge” is a great way to let people know you need space without making them feel bad or pointing fingers.

Don’t Answer Right Away

We live in a world of instant communication: text, social media, email, and every messaging app under the sun are at our fingertips. These things make it very easy for people to get in touch with us, but constant communication and the pressure to answer right away may be part of what’s draining you. The good news is, you can take the time you need to think things through, and you don’t have to answer every single text or phone call every time.

Step Away for the Day

Relationships are a lot of work, and that’s okay. But I don’t have to work on them all day every day. Setting boundaries for myself helps with that. This could be as simple as setting a time of day for you to “step away” from communication and conversation. Try going a week not answering any texts or calls after 8 PM. You may be surprised just how much of a difference that extra space for yourself makes.

Start a Self-Care Routine

A lot of times, people who are always helping others have a hard time setting boundaries because they don’t make time for themselves in the first place. Putting a self-care routine in place is a great way to make time for yourself throughout the day if you’re not comfortable distancing yourself from people for longer periods of time.

Start your day with 15 minutes of meditation. Listen to your favorite songs during your lunch break instead of answering calls and texts. Give yourself at least an hour before bed to be still and wind down. You’ll probably start feeling better in no time.

I know it can be hard to set boundaries, and you may even feel guilty about doing it. We’re here to help. Talk through your boundary needs with a HopeCoach anytime. They can help you figure out how to have tough conversations to set better boundaries so that you can strengthen the friendships that mean the most to you.

Feeling guilty after a fight with your friend? It's natural and normal, however, if you're overwhelmed by the guilt it's time to get help. Read this article to find out more.

If you’ve been through a breakup with your boyfriend or girlfriend recently, I know you’re hurting. It can seem like your feelings are all over the place. You may be feeling guilty about the role you played in ending the relationship. In those moments, it’s natural to wonder if you will get back together with them or not.

It’s important to think things through before you take action. I hope these suggestions encourage you during this difficult time.

Getting to the Heart of the Matter

Getting back into a relationship too soon, no matter who it’s with, doesn’t give you enough time to sort through your complicated emotions after a breakup.

There’s no “one size fits all” approach to healing after a breakup, but I would suggest checking in with yourself regularly and being honest when it comes to your feelings.

When you think about getting back together with your girlfriend or boyfriend, what other feelings come up?

• Do you feel anxious, nervous, or frantic? If so, you may be motivated by fear.
• Do you feel like it’s all your fault? Shame, not guilt may be to blame. Take time to face those feelings before making any major decisions.
• Do you feel a sense of longing that overwhelms you? If so, you may be motivated by a desire to end your loneliness.
• Do you worry that if you don’t get back together with them, you won’t be in another relationship? It may be time to explore your feelings of self-worth, and why they are so tied to whether or not you’re in a relationship.

Examining your feelings and motivations in an honest way can help you know how to move forward and what kind of support you need to heal after a breakup.

Understanding Responsibility

When I’ve had a falling out with someone I really care about, it’s so easy to blame myself, and only myself, for what happened. But the truth is, all my relationships include someone else. Responsibility for success or setbacks in relationships is shared by everyone involved.

When I’ve made mistakes in relationships, I find comfort in my faith. Praying or reminding myself of God’s boundless forgiveness keeps me from getting overwhelmed and helps me remember that He is always looking out for me, even in dark and difficult times.
If you know you did something hurtful, it is appropriate to take responsibility and to learn from those mistakes in the future. And while it is possible to get back together with your girlfriend or boyfriend, don’t jump in without knowing what they want.

Respecting Boundaries

The key to that balance is to remember that a breakup is a boundary. One or both people in your relationship have decided it wasn’t working and that time apart was the most appropriate choice. If your partner has made it clear that they do not want to get back together, it’s best to accept that. If you’re “taking a break” to figure things out, it is important to listen to their needs and respect their boundaries, while making your own boundaries clear along the way as well.

Sometimes it’s not always obvious where the boundaries are or what the next best step is. You may need advice on whether getting back together is the right decision. In those moments, asking for help and talking things through with someone who can have a more objective “bird’s eye view” is very helpful. A mentor you trust can help you see where you went wrong in past relationships and help you make a plan for how to build strong new relationships with people you want to get to know.

TheHopeLine is here for you whenever you need us. We have blogs, ebooks, and podcasts filled with real-world dating advice and free, confidential mentoring to help with healing relationships. Explore our relationship topics or talk to a HopeCoach today. We are here to listen anytime.

Are you ready to give up on finding a meaningful relationship? Read this article to find out the secret behind a healthy relationship. 

Hi! My name is Emilee. I've had a lot of ups and downs in my 14 years of living. Here are a few things that I've dealt with...anxiety about a friend self-harming, my Christianity, my sexuality, my mother's mental health and how it affected me and my family.

No One To Talk to Until I Found TheHopeLine

I had no one to talk to and no one to hear me. No one answered my cries for help. Then I found TheHopeLine. They have an amazing team of responders who are always there for you. They have always helped me and even prayed for me.
Here's one of my stories about TheHopeLine.

Conflicted About My Sexuality

I've been struggling with my sexuality for a long time now, I'm only 14 but I have been thinking about it for a while. I think I may be bi-sexual and growing up in the church I was scared. I didn't know what to do being attracted to more than men. I was scared and felt hopeless. It was burrowing inside me, and it felt like I was slowly sinking into quicksand.

I had used TheHopeLine before, so I finally decided, maybe they can help me again. I chatted with TheHopeLine and right away I was connected to a HopeCoach. She helped me by really listening to me and asking me questions to help me think through my feelings. But then I had to leave the chat because it was late at night, and I had to go to bed.

The next day I connected with a different HopeCoach who pulled up the conversation from the night before so we could begin where I left off.  Again, she was nothing but kind and never judged me, she just helped me think through my conflicting feelings.  At the end of the chat, she prayed with me and encouraged me. I am now praying and hoping that God will give me clarity and help me.

There is Someone Who Cares

TheHopeLine has helped me so many times. I'm so grateful for this amazing group of people. If you have a problem and have no one to talk to, please don't hesitate to chat with TheHopeLine. They are a safe place to talk. I can't explain how much they've helped me and been there for me.

If you need someone to talk to you can chat with a HopeCoach or sign up for an e-mail mentor on our Get Help page. If you would like someone to pray for you, please visit TheHopeLine Prayer page and sign up to request prayer.

When you’re feeling shame, it seems impossible to talk about. The very nature of shame makes you want to cover up your feelings, which can increase your sense of shame over time and leave you feeling trapped.

I understand how you feel, but it doesn’t have to be this way. You can talk about shame in a way that helps you connect with others. You can get help with feelings of shame so that you’re not stuck in a cycle of emotions that damage your self-worth and leave you hating yourself.

The “What” of Shame

The first step to talking about shame is knowing what to say. Besides “ashamed”, think about what else you’re feeling and try to put words to it. Do you feel any of these feelings that go hand-in-hand with shame?

• Humiliation: “I can’t believe I did that. My actions were shameful. I’m so embarrassed.”
• Self-Hate: “I hate myself for the mistakes I’ve made. I don’t deserve to be loved or forgiven.”
• Despair: “I’m never going to be able to make things right. Things are only going to get worse.”
• Fear: “I don’t want anyone to know I did/said/thought this. If they did, they wouldn’t respect me or want to be around me anymore. I’d better keep it to myself.”

Shame is more than one emotion. Thinking about how shame makes you feel can better prepare you to talk about it in a way that allows others to support you more fully.

The “Why” of Shame

It can also help to understand why you feel shame. Your life doesn’t happen in a bubble. If you’re feeling deep shame, it is likely related to other struggles you’re having.

You may feel excessive shame when:

• You’re struggling with a physical or mental illness
• You have been in abusive relationships with people who have shamed you
• You use harmful substances, or overindulge in food or alcohol.
• You are struggling with your faith in God, or have been made to feel like God doesn’t care about you.

When I think back to times when I’ve felt ashamed, I can often find some clues for how to how to talk through it.

When It’s Time to Talk

When you feel like you have a better understanding of when and why you feel shame, it’s time to talk about it. Talking about shame doesn’t have to be complicated. In fact, the more simple and straightforward you are, the clearer your needs will be to someone who can help you.

You can talk about shame with your counselor, therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, or a leader in your faith community. Whoever you choose, make sure it’s someone you trust to keep your conversation in confidence. Make sure they are able to help you address the problems that are leading to feelings of shame.

TheHopeLine has been helping more and more people break free of shame and lead lives of greater self-worth. Talk to a HopeCoach about shame anytime. It’s confidential and they have experience helping people get to the other side of shame. We are here for you and you don’t have to go through this alone.

Do you sometimes feel worthless? The answer to having deep-rooted self-worth is to understand how God views you. Find out more here.

Sexual sins have lasting emotional and physical consequences. It’s normal to feel a sense of sadness or to feel guilty if you’ve made choices about sex that are contrary to your faith. You may be struggling after:

• Having sex with a partner, even though you wanted to wait until marriage
• Masturbation
• Pornography use
• Lust
• Relapse into addictive sexual behaviors

These things are tough to tackle. But let me encourage you: you can overcome sexual sins and God’s forgiveness is always there to help you through it.

Why Do I Feel Like God Won’t Forgive Me?

Unfortunately, sexual sins have become so tied up in feelings of shame that it’s easy to feel hopeless when we struggle with sexual sins.

Shame also takes a toll on your self-worth. When I feel ashamed, my focus shifts to an unhealthy tearing down of my self-esteem. And when I’m in that place, it’s hard to forgive myself and to believe that God will forgive me.

But what’s the truth? The truth is that God forgives over and over again. In the book of Isaiah, God says this to us: “I am He who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.”

He knows we are human and that we make mistakes. But he also loves us and wants us to be free from the burden of our sins.
And don’t forget: God created you in His image and likeness. You are worthy of respect and love – and this truth is far greater and more powerful than any mistakes you’ve made.

How Do I Experience God’s Forgiveness?

God’s forgiveness is powerful, but it is part of a relationship. He won’t give it to us unless we seek it and ask for it. This means:
Being honest about where we went wrong
Asking God to forgive us
Accepting that forgiveness with gratitude
Making what efforts we can to continue turning toward God and away from choices that make us feel shame and pain
I find it helpful to take my sins to God in prayer, and to talk with someone I trust in my faith community. When my struggles are especially tough, it helps me to ask others to pray for me as I work to overcome them.

How Do I Start Healing?

It can feel difficult to know where to start when it comes to healing after sexual sins. But you can start right now.
Think about your choices when it comes to sex and be honest about the emotional, physical, and spiritual consequences you’ve experienced.

Think of how different your life will be when you experience freedom and forgiveness and commit to doing what you can to get to that place of healing and change.

Tell people who care about you that you need support, prayer, and patience along the way. If you’re in a relationship, make those needs clear to your partner, too.

Talk to a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine if you’re not sure how or when to have a conversation with someone in your life or your faith community about sexual sins. Our mentorship is confidential and judgment-free. Our focus is on helping you find healing, love, and forgiveness from God and from yourself. We are here for you anytime.

Has pornography filled the loneliness in your life and now you feel trapped by its addictiveness? You are not alone. Read about the lies pornography tells us.