How to Handle Being Pressured for Sex

What to Say When Someone Is Pressuring You

When someone is pressuring you to move faster or further in a relationship than you want to, you do not have to give in to that pressure. Hopefully, having a clear, honest conversation with your partner will establish boundaries you are comfortable with. For example, you can say something like "I'm not ready to have sex yet. I'm only comfortable hugging, kissing goodnight, and holding hands." If you are waiting until marriage to have sex, let your partner know. A loving response is kind, respectful of your boundaries, and willing to do only what you feel comfortable with when it comes to physical intimacy.

The reason it's so important to be clear about physical boundaries is that not doing so can lead to sexual harassment or assault. Sexual assault happens when someone touches you sexually, or has sex with you, after you have said no. If you did not give consent when your partner had sex with you, or you were unable to consent to intimate touching when it happened, there is support available to understand sexual assault and how to heal from it. If you do feel safe talking about boundaries with your partner, but are unsure how to do it, a counselor or mentor can help you find the right words. 

Feeling Pressured to Have Sex in a Dating Relationship Is Common, But Not Acceptable.

In a recent survey, 61% of all teenage girls say they are being pressured to have sex with their boyfriends. Guys are also pressured to have sex with their girlfriends.

Listen to this call I had with Justin. Justin’s friend asked him for advice. His friend wants to stop having sex with his girlfriend, because it goes against his religious beliefs. But his girlfriend disagrees with him.

Love never demands someone to do something that would violate another.

Many of those who are pressured into having sex give in to it mostly because of the overwhelming fear of losing the person they care about, if they don't agree to have sex. I find that very often people who end up having a sexual relationship are simply doing whatever they think needs to be done to hold on to their bf/gf. In the end, some bargain away their bodies in their attempt to keep the relationship going. But in the process, they lose their self-respect and gain the very real possibility of unwanted pregnancy, diseases, rape, bad reputation, and of course, a broken heart.

Becca has learned this the hard way, "I was recently violated by a guy who I thought was a really great guy, but then he started pressuring me and now I hate him for it. We aren't even talking anymore. If you're a guy and you read this, can you please take this seriously and please respect the girl that you like and please don't violate her! It can really make a big difference in anyone's life."

What Is Consent?

If your boyfriend is pressuring you to have sex, it’s time to talk to him about consent. What is consent? Consent is a fundamental aspect of any healthy and respectful relationship. When you consent to something, you’re essentially agreeing to it, but it goes beyond a simple, one-time “yes.” Consent should be an ongoing, enthusiastic, and voluntary agreement to participate in any form of intimacy.

If you don’t want to have sex, but you say “yes” because your boyfriend has repeatedly pressured you, that’s not true consent because it wasn’t voluntary or enthusiastic. If you thought you wanted to have sex, but you changed your mind, your consent is no longer ongoing—that “yes” became a “no,” and your partner should respect that at all times.

It may be a terrifying concept to sit your partner down and discuss boundaries, but if you’re feeling pressured, it’s imperative that you communicate. Tell them how you’re feeling. Tell them what is and isn’t acceptable for you right now. For example, “We can kiss and hold hands, but I’m not ready for more than that,” or “We can make out, but I want your hands to stay on top of my clothes, never under them.”

Without a very clearly communicated boundary, it may be that the pressure you’re feeling from your partner is a misunderstanding about where your line is—they may be happy to respect what you ask for once they have more information! If your partner argues with you or pushes back on the boundaries you set, that’s a major red flag you can’t ignore. They don’t respect your right to have ongoing, enthusiastic, and voluntary consent when it comes to your own body. Are you sure you want to be in an intimate relationship with that person?

And remember, consent goes both ways. If you have the unequivocal right to issue and withdraw consent at any time, so does your partner. Even if you and your partner have had sex before, you have no right to assume that means they want to again, nor do you have a right to express frustration or push back in any way when they tell you “no.” For a healthy relationship to work, there has to be trust. Trust can’t exist when one or both partners feel like they’ll be manipulated into changing their minds or punished when they communicate a clear boundary.

Talk to your partner about consent today, and ask someone for help if you feel your boundaries are being violated.

What Can You Do if You're Feeling Pressured to Have Sex?

If you are being pressured to have sex, realize this is a huge red flag. Below are four thoughtful responses to the pressure - both to realize for yourself and to explain to your boyfriend or girlfriend.

1. Know where you stand in your convictions.

Most people with strong values have a clear understanding of what they believe and are far less susceptible to giving in to things they don't want to do.

Do you want to be a person who waits until they are married to have sex? It's important to define for yourself why this is important to you.

Are you aware of the power sex has to arouse deep emotions? Are you willing and able to bear the responsibility of a child?
Without strong convictions, the person you date could push their value system (or lack of!) onto you. Before you start talking to a guy or girl, make sure you know what you believe and why. This will be extremely helpful when you're being pressured.

Juli wrote: "It is easy to give in and say 'yes' but we have to prepare ahead of time so we can say 'no.' If you just wait until the moment, you easily cave in. My boyfriend pressured me so much and I gave in. I wish I hadn't, and I won't again."

2. Talk about your decision to save sex for marriage.

Explain your desire to wait to have sex with your bf/gf.  Tell them that it has nothing to do with a lack of feelings or your level of commitment. You like your boyfriend or girlfriend so much that you don't want to ruin a great relationship by having sex. This conversation takes a lot of courage because your pressuring partner may refuse to understand what you are saying. They may take it personally or get mad and walk away. Nonetheless, the person who can talk things out is far happier than those who keep things deeply hidden.

Madison said, "My boyfriend keeps trying to get me to do stuff with him, such as kiss him or have sex. I made a promise to God, my mom, and my family that I wouldn't do anything with a guy until I got married. My boyfriend always thinks that the reason I don't want to do things with him is because I don't like him, which is so far from the truth."

If your boyfriend is really "a keeper," he will understand and respect your decision.

3. While waiting, learn what real love is.

The term "love" is one of the most misunderstood and abused words in the dictionary. Sometimes, when a guy says to a girl, "I love you," he is saying, "I don't love you; I love me and what sexual favors you do for me." Love never demands someone to do something that would violate another. Love does not trash someone else's deeply held values.
God is the creator of love and here is how he describes it:

Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut,
doesn’t have a swelled head, doesn’t force itself on others, isn’t always “me first,” and doesn’t fly off the handle. (1 Corinthians 13:4-6)

In other words, love is patient and is willing to wait for the right time and the right person. Love always looks after the other person first. Love is never selfish. When a guy loves a girl, he will do everything he can to protect her.

God also created sex as an expression of love between a man and a woman. Sex is a beautiful gift from God when used in the right way.

Mandy wrote: "[When I have sex,] I feel loved and wanted, that's why I give in. Hoping that something will come out of it and it never does. If I can feel wanted, even if it's in a sexual way, I like it, but yet on the other hand, I don't." For the relatively few brief moments she is having sex, Mandy somehow feels loved. But after it's over and she is alone again, those empty words leave her unfulfilled and searching for more. Mandy is confused about what love is.

Someone once said, "Love can always wait to give. Lust can't wait to get."

A lot of guys will say they love their girlfriend and think that if she loved him, she would have sex with him. Either he doesn't know what love is, or he's lying about loving her. It's easy to believe a lie when you want to. It is not easy to face the consequences of believing that lie.

4. Know when to move on.

If the pressure for sex does not let up, get rid of him or her. If you are being pressured to have sex, realize this is a huge red flag that something isn't right in your relationship. It is far better for you to lose your relationship than to do something you will later regret.

Alli wrote, "Three days into the "relationship" he started hinting that he wanted to make out with me. Then 6 days into the "relationship" we made out and then he started talking about sex. He tried to pressure me into it. He kept trying to do stuff, and I told him to stop. I didn't give in, but I ended up breaking up with him the next day." Allie is smart. She knows that if your boyfriend is really "a keeper," he will understand and respect your decision. Remember, most pressured relationships are not love, but rather, they are just uncovered needs, fantasy, confusion, and selfishness.

Heather wrote, "[My boyfriend] knew I was insecure and vulnerable. I think that's why he pressured me so much. He made it sound as if it was my obligation."

Some people won't go into a relationship unless they know they will be able to have sex. Be prepared to be rejected. Just remember you won't die, and in the end, the respect you will have for yourself, and the pain avoided, will be well worth it.

The Bottom Line - It's Your Body

You don't ever have to do anything with your body you don't want to do. Sex is not an indicator of love, or even of your level of commitment in a relationship. Sex is not an obligation. Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise. May God give you a boyfriend or girlfriend who deeply respects you.

Is your relationship healthy? Many do not realize they are in an unhealthy relationship. Ask yourself these questions to find out.

What Is the Real Meaning of Christmas?

After All Is Said and Done, It’s Still Jesus

Christmas can be crazy and chaotic, but it is also a beautiful and meaningful time of year. I like listening to classic carols, and looking at lights and elaborate decorations, and I also love spending time together with family and friends.

I remember making wish lists as a kid by going through the big Sears toy catalog and picking out what looked the most awesome to me. When gifts would be set out under the tree, I would shake the wrapped presents, furiously trying to determine what was in there for me. I didn't always get what I wanted, even though I admit I got more than I really needed.

Something Special with You in Mind

Christmas can be so meaningful if you know that someone who loves you, is planning something special, specifically with you in mind. My parents did that for me while I was growing up. And now I get to do this for my children. And I believe God is doing this for each of us every day!

Why is Jesus the Gift of Christmas?

I recently saw a bumper sticker. It said, Jesus is the reason for the season. Not too long ago, I received a Christmas card that showed a picture of a young boy with unwrapped gifts all around him - almost overwhelmed with all the presents. The caption on the inside of the card said, After all is said and done, it's still Jesus. I am a Christian, and that's why I find Jesus at the very core of Christmas.

God's Amazing Gift to You and Me

God came to this earth in such an incredibly humble way in the form of a baby born in a barn stall. The Christ child is God's amazing gift to you and me. That's why Christians celebrate Christmas. God has prepared something great for each of us, and the way to that life is through Jesus!

As you begin to see Jesus as God's gift to you, then all the other gifts God has for you will be given.

The Quiet Moments

Several years ago, I took my family to the Smokey Mountains over the Christmas holidays. We rented a cabin and just hung out. One afternoon, we went for a ride deep into the mountains. We listened to beautiful Christmas carols and looked at the quiet beauty around us. I will never forget that time. There were no tinsel and bright lights—just the simplicity of a family thinking about Jesus' birth and enjoying God's creation. My hope for all of us is that we will have those quiet moments this holiday season when we realize what is truly important. Jesus truly is the reason for the season.

Are You Mad At God?

I've got to believe at some point in your life, you've raised your fist and shouted out in anger at God. Most of us have done it.

Maybe your parent died, or you had a friend get seriously sick, or even killed. Maybe you have cancer, or some kind of handicap. These and other serious issues enter our lives, making it easy to target God for our pain.

Someone described anger this way: Anger is a human emotional response to situations that are either out of our control or out of our ability to understand, or both.

How to Handle Being Angry at God

What does Jesus say about anger?

Jesus talks about anger several times in the New Testament of the Bible. Let’s look at a few of them:

• Anger and the Heart
  • In the book of Matthew, Jesus warns against harboring anger and hatred in one's heart, suggesting that letting it fester can have a pretty destructive effect. You can find that in Matthew 5:21-22 (NIV): "But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment."
• Reconciliation and Forgiveness
  • In the same passage Matthew, Jesus encourages us to resolve conflicts and reconcile with others quickly. He suggests that it's better to “leave your gift at the altar,” meaning you should pause what you’re doing and make sure things are set right between you and the person you’re in conflict with instead of letting it grow in your heart. (Matthew 5:23-24)
• Turn the Other Cheek
  • In Matthew 5:38-39, Jesus teaches the principle of turning the other cheek when someone wrongs you. He encourages his followers not to respond to aggression with aggression, but rather to respond with love and patience. It’s important to note that “turning the other cheek” is not meant to allow someone who has hurt you to get away with it and do it again. But if you’re in a situation where you can extend grace and relieve yourself from the anger you feel, consider forgiveness.
• Forgiveness
  • In the Lord's Prayer (Matthew 6:9-13), Jesus instructs his disciples to ask for forgiveness from God as they also forgive those who trespass against them. You can check out our resources on forgiveness if you want to know more. Forgiveness is a powerful act and a complicated subject, so it’s important to explore further if you are angry with someone or if you’d like to seek forgiveness from someone else.
• Be Peacemakers
  • In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus blesses the peacemakers, stating that they will be called children of God (Matthew 5:9). To Jesus, fostering peace and resolving conflicts should be a priority.
• Admonishing a Brother
  • In Matthew 18:15-17, Jesus talks about how to address conflict within a community. He suggests first going to the person privately if they've done something to hurt you against you, or if you’ve wronged them. Give them a chance to settle things with you personally. If someone is unwilling to take accountability for their wrong, it might be useful to involve others in seeking reconciliation–asking a friend to talk to someone on your behalf, for example, or going to HR if your boss or coworker isn’t willing to make something right at work.

Jesus teaches the importance of managing anger, addressing it promptly, and striving for reconciliation and forgiveness. He always advocates for a mindset of love, patience, and humility when dealing with conflict. While anger is a natural human emotion, the way it is handled and processed plays a crucial role in maintaining healthy relationships and spiritual well-being. So it’s absolutely 100% okay to be angry… even Jesus felt angry sometimes! Check out Matthew 21 and Mark 11 for proof. Just be intentional about how you act when you’re angry.

What are some of the reasons why we get mad at God?

Have you ever wondered why we get so angry at God? That's what I want to talk about, because I can assure you that while God allows us to cry out to Him, He doesn't want us stuck in rage towards Him.

The main reason we get so upset with God is that we think He owes us something. This usually happens in two ways:

1. We don't get something we want.

Have you ever really wanted a relationship with that perfect girl or guy? Or you really wanted that job you knew for certain would be perfect for you? When these things didn't work out, you no doubt found yourself hurt and disappointed. Our first impulse is almost always to blame God.

Daphne wrote: When we get mad at God it is really like a 2-year-old throwing a fit because Mommy or Daddy won't let them stick their finger in the light socket. The 2-year-old can only see what he/she wants, the parent sees the bigger picture, and the danger. When we are mad at God we show our immaturity, ignorance, and our shortsightedness.

2.  We get something we DON'T expect.

When something bad happens to someone we love, or to us, or someone gets really sick, or even dies we wonder why these things have to happen. We think of God as a big genie in the sky who should only give us good things and prevent the bad.

I received a comment from someone who said: Some people wonder why their lives end up being a certain way, and they blame God for it, because if God really cared for them, then He wouldn't let them suffer.

We think, "If God is so loving, why am I in so much pain? Is He punishing me for no reason by allowing horrible things to happen to me, or the people I love, or even the world?"

3. We think God owes us something.

Both of these situations can make a person feel like God doesn't care about us. After all the prayers we've prayed, God still didn't heal your brother's cancer, or get you the job you wanted.

Joe wrote: I have to admit that I am angry at God. The more I have prayed for help and guidance, the more I get nothing. He is ignoring me. It's His right to do with me what He will, but I am frustrated because I have done what I think I am supposed to do and yet no response, no help.

We get angry when we think God owes us something. When in fact, God owes us nothing.

A couple of other reasons:

• We get angry with God when we don't know all the facts. It's so easy to think we know everything, but we can only see a very small part of the picture.
• We get angry at God when we see others claim to know Him, and then act like hypocrites. It's easy to blame God for the faults of others.

These are just a few reasons why people get angry with God. Of course, there are many more.

 How to Get Over Being Mad at God - Know What You Can Expect From Him.

If we think God is going to be our genie in a bottle, and make everything good in our lives, we're going to be mad at God when something bad happens. Having faith in God is not insurance against hardships.

In the Bible, Jesus says- “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

So what can we expect from God?

• His Peace - If we trust in Him and believe in Him we will have peace even in the hard times. Do you want to know how to find this peace? Begin Your Journey To Peace with this great resource from Peace With God. 
• God Wins in the End - This world is full of sin, hate and death and that comes from the enemy, Satan, not from God. However, for all those who believe in Jesus, there is glorious, eternal life in heaven.
• His Comfort - He promises to be near those who are hurting. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18)
• His love - He promises His love for us. "God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him." (1 John 4:16) He loves your heart and is with you in the midst of whatever your circumstances.
• Life with greater meaning and significance - If we got everything we thought we wanted, we'd be spoiled and selfish. God is a wise father who knows what we need to become the best men and women we can be.

What can you do when you are mad at God?

1. Tell him how you feel.

The best thing you can do is tell God what you're angry about. He wants to hear from you about what you're thinking and feeling. Tell God honestly where you are at. God knows what's going on inside of you, but He wants to you be able to come to Him with honesty and openness.

2. Place the blame for evil on Satan, not on God.

God is good and Holy and perfect and loving. He is the opposite of evil. You may be mad at God because he didn't prevent the bad from happening to you, but he is not to blame for the bad thing, Satan is.  Jesus says in the Bible "The thief’s purpose is to steal, kill and destroy. My purpose is to give life in all its fullness." (John 10:10)

3. Pray for courage, strength and peace to make it through the day.

Betsy wrote: I find it easiest to leave everything in God's hands and pray that he will care for me and do what's BEST for me, not what I want, but what is best. It's very hard, and I have trouble with that at times, but that is my overall goal.

4. Trust that God will use a hardship for something beyond what you can see.

So can God use everything we go through for a greater purpose? I believe He can. Ask God for understanding to see the bigger picture. Over time, you may see more clearly how God used your trial for good.

Jill wrote honestly: I feel like I have a daily tug of war with God. I know everything happens for a reason, but when you're lonely, broke, bored, and feel helpless, it is really hard to say, okay God, I know you're doing this for a reason.
Betsy echoed Jill's thoughts: After many trials, I learned that it is best to accept what God has done and believe that it is for my good, whether I like it or not.

Believing He does have a reason for everything we go through helps us to trust that something bigger is going on here, even more than we can probably understand. But I'm not God, He is. And I'm just going to trust that He knows what's going on with me.

5. Get involved in other people's lives.

A lot of our anger and frustration in life comes from thinking about ourselves too much - we think about the way things are and how different they are from how we wish they'd be.

Yevgenia wrote: One of the best things I have learned while going through this is God won't put you through something unless he knows you will be able to overcome it. Another way I have used these things in a positive way is by using my experiences to help others who are going through similar things in their lives.

The best way to find joy and peace from the hardships of life is to get involved in other people's lives. Take an interest in other people and their circumstances. Share in their joy and their pain.

6. Decide to have a relationship with God.

The Bible says the only way to know God is by knowing His son, Jesus. Jesus was basically God with skin-on and gave us a way to know who He is, His love, and how to be in a relationship with Him.

Lucas wrote: Sometimes only God will know why He has allowed a trial and sometimes He will reveal its purpose to us. Sometimes it's because He is preparing us for a greater thing. Sometimes it is to show us how little we truly love Him, and to allow us to change. Trials give us an opportunity to build our faith in a way nothing else can.

How have you dealt with your own personal anger toward God? I'd love to hear from you. Please let me know how you got over being upset with God.

It’s hard to have faith when life is hard, but God understands your pain. For more help read this blog: Life is Hard, God Understands

For more on reconciling the goodness of God and bad things in the world read these blogs from organizations we partner with:

• Where is God in the midst of tragedy?
• How Can God Allow So Much Evil and Suffering?

I've talked about how a guy can and should show respect to a girl. Now it's time to talk to girls about how to respect a guy.

If you are a guy, I know you want to be respected as well. I know that to be a fact, and it's not just because I am a guy. But I've talked to hundreds of guys who deeply desire for their girlfriend to show them admiration and high regard. Ladies, here are a few things you should know if you want to make sure the men you know are deeply aware of how much you love and respect them.

What to Know About Respecting a Partner

What attracts respect?

It’s a fair thing to wonder how to show respect. But when is that respect earned? How can you make sure that your actions are those of someone worthy of the respect you’d like to receive? Here are some key factors that tend to garner that respect:

• Empathy and Kindness
  •  Think about the school bully, or that one guy at work who everyone hates… the way that they belittle others, make fun of their problems, and refuse to show the smallest kindness has not made them a person that you respect. Showing empathy and kindness towards others, being compassionate, and considering their feelings and needs demonstrates emotional intelligence. When people see that you genuinely care about others, it’ll be hard not to respect you.
• Accountability
  • Have you ever messed up and then tried to cover it up or lie about it? Taking responsibility for your actions and admitting when you make a mistake is a sign of maturity and integrity. People respect those who don't shy away from accountability. We all make mistakes. We all fall short on our promises or hurt people from time to time. Being able to recognize that and make amends will set you apart as someone worthy of respect.
• Open-mindedness
  • How does it feel when you have an idea, but that idea is immediately shut down by a teacher, a parent, or a coworker? Being open to having conversations, new ideas, diverse perspectives, and different cultures fosters respect. Those who embrace differences and actively seek to learn from others are able to make others feel respected, too
• Humility
  • Humble individuals who don't boast or belittle others are typically respected. Do you respect that super braggy kid in your class who never lets you forget his GPA? There’s a difference between celebrating your successes and becoming arrogant. Acknowledging that no one is infallible, that everyone has room for improvement, and that every success is thanks to the hard work and help of many is an important way of both showing and earning respect.
• Empowerment
  • How does it make you feel when your mom goes into your room while you're at school and cleans the whole thing without your permission? Does it make you feel respected? No! It makes you feel powerless, like she doesn’t trust you to do it yourself, thinks you’re incapable, or just doesn’t care about your privacy. Encouraging and empowering others to succeed and reach their potential can also earn respect. People tend to appreciate those who help them grow and develop, rather than put them down.
• Respect for Others: Have you ever been embarrassed when your parent treated a waiter or barista like they were stupid or with impatience? Have you ever been that waiter or barista? Treating others with respect is the best way to receive it in return. Respecting people's positions, boundaries, cultures, and perspectives goes a long way in building a respectful environment.

Every human being deserves some level of respect at the end of the day, and it’s crucial that we remember that. That “respect for others” is perhaps one of the most important ways that Jesus taught by example. He spoke to, ate with, traveled with, became friends with, and loved people who were considered unclean, sinful, and worse… because he respected them. In His words, “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you.” Matthew 7:12

So How Does a Girl Show A Guy Respect?

Here's our straightforward list:

1.  To respect a guy, don't play with his sexuality and drives.

To respect a guy, don't play with his sexuality and drives. Cause him to love and see you as a person, and not just as an object.

She doesn't use her body to manipulate him. If you only take one thing from this blog, get this one. Girls, you have an incredible power to control guys with your appearance, simply because guys are driven so intensely by what they see when they look at a girl and the beauty of her body. To respect a guy, don't play with his sexuality and drives. Cause him to love and see you as a person, and not just as an object. When you flirt with him you can easily appeal to his lust, rather than who he is as a person. Dressing modestly and refusing to be flirtatious, also shows your boyfriend you aren't trying to attract other guys.

2.  She asks his opinion.

Every person wants to be respected. Guys, in particular, crave to be looked at as a leader--someone whose ideas are important. Guys want to know you are interested in what they think. He feels respected when you care about how he thinks and feels. Then when you take the time to listen, it's even more powerful. He will feel deeply valued by you. Someone commented to me: If a girl asks a guy's opinion, if he answers honestly (and preferably tactfully) with an answer she didn't want, she needs to realize that he respected her enough not to lie to her, and she needs to respect his opinion, even if she doesn't agree with it, and not get angry with him because of it.

3.  Don't try to put words in his mouth.

If you try to put words into a guy's mouth, you'll only show him you think he doesn't know what to say.

She is patient with him when he has a difficult time expressing himself.Many guys have a hard time communicating, especially their thoughts and emotions.

There are going to be many times he wants you to know what he's feeling, but he is just going to need a little more time actually getting it out. Don't try to put words in his mouth, you'll only show him you think he doesn't know what to say. You can, however, repeat back to him what you heard him say, so you both are on the same page.

4.  She encourages and supports him.

Guys easily feel belittled by girls. When you cheer on your man, you are breathing life into his soul. Telling him you believe in him and support what he is attempting to achieve is a very powerful way to show your guy you respect him. When he feels that support from you, the confidence you are pouring into him will help him to feel invincible. Someone once said, Behind every great man, is a great woman. Some girls are so stuck on their own needs they can't seem to give encouragement and inspiration to the guys they know. So give a guy a gift he will never forget: the gift of encouragement.

5.  When you cheer on your man, you are breathing life into his soul.

She doesn't exhaust him with all the little details. It's easy to want to make sure your boyfriend gets all the details of your life. He is interested in you, but he gets worn out easily if you bog down your stories with all kinds of extra details. Try to make it easier for him to process all the information you want him to know.

6. She knows she doesn't own him.

She doesn't demand he be there for her 24 hours a day. Just because the two of you may be dating, doesn't put you in charge of his life.

When you let him have his own life, making his own decisions, spending time with his friends, it shows you respect him, and will make you more attractive to him.

Lindsey commented she knew her boyfriend's time was limited with his working full-time and going to school full-time. I never tried to demand lots of time from him. Instead, I would make him a meal and meet him between classes or on his lunch break at work. He really appreciated it, and I felt like I was respecting his schedule while still fitting in time to see him.

Showing respect to your boyfriend is the very best way you can show him that you love him.

7. She must respect herself.

There are many girls who are extremely insecure and are convinced they are not worth being loved or respected by others. So they end up sabotaging their relationships with guys because of their low self-esteem. They tend to be constantly asking their guy if they are still being loved by him. It's very difficult for a guy to respect a girl who doesn't respect herself or see herself as worthy to be loved.

Jonathan had some great thoughts I must include. A girl must also respect herself; if a guy desires to date her or even just be her friend, he must like something about her. By not liking herself, she is also saying that her friend's and/or boyfriend's opinions of her don't mean anything to her. If she returns compliments with contradictory remarks, she is not respecting the guy's opinion, or his attempt to respect her.

Girls, it's valuable to realize how important this topic is in your relationship with guys. Showing respect to your boyfriend is the very best way you can show him that you love him. But it's also true with all your relationships, including your relationship with yourself.  It is crucial to respect yourself and I've written a blog about that as well.

What to Know About Falling in Love

What Causes Someone to Fall in Love?

"Falling in love" is what drives the romances we read about or watch in our favorite shows and movies. But what does it really mean to fall in love with someone? Falling in love happens when you have strong feelings of admiration and attraction to someone you care about. It is easy, when you are new to a relationship, or new to these feelings, to see the best about a person easily. You probably prioritize the time you spend together, and share lots of time, gifts, and affection with them. Falling in love is often a joy, and it can be part of what points you toward the person that's right for you. But it's important not to rely on strong feelings of attachment alone when making decisions about dating and marriage. You want to be sure, if you feel like you're falling in love with someone, that you share compatible beliefs about life, about priorities, and about spiritual things. You want to commit to someone only if they are respectful of you, your needs, and your boundaries. And if you feel "out of love", it may not be a sign of the end of your relationship. Depending on your reasons for falling out of love, you may be able to rekindle warm feelings by getting support and talking through your relationship. 

Friendships are one of life's greatest joys. Finding someone we can share our heart with -- someone who understands and accepts us just the way we are is priceless. When we can have a deep friendship with someone from the opposite sex, it is a tremendous gift. There is so much to learn and respect about both genders. But at times these opposite-sex friendships can also be a great challenge. One of the most exciting, but frightening, barriers a friendship faces is when one person falls in love with their best friend of the opposite sex. The feelings are can be intense, and the fear of revealing them can be paralyzing.

Is dating your best friend worth the risk?

You’ve probably heard the popular saying: “Marry your best friend.” Why then is it so darn stressful to figure out whether or not to date your best friend? On one hand, the prospect of a romantic relationship with someone you already share a deep bond with can seem like a dream come true. But… What if it doesn’t work out? It’s an idea with its fair share of risks and challenges that should be carefully considered.

Dating your best friend could mean that you’d be starting your romantic relationship ahead of the game, with a foundation of trust and understanding that already exists. You know each other's quirks, preferences, and values, which can lead to a pretty seamless transition from bestie to BF or GF. That kind of  familiarity can create a strong emotional connection, since you're not starting from scratch in getting to know each other.

What’s the catch? The fear of ruining a cherished friendship. You won’t just lose a partner if things go wrong, you might lose or irreparably damage the friendship. Two heartbreaks in one go.

Dating a friend could also change the dynamics in your social circle. It could be tons of fun for your friend group when you get together, but if you break up, mutual friends might feel awkward or forced to pick sides. Instead of losing one friend in the breakup, it’s possible that you could lose several, or that your friend group will never feel quite the same way.

All that said, there’s a difference between being cautious and wise about such a big decision, and letting your fear make your choices for you. Consider this question: what if it does work out? Does the potential of finding a deeper love with a person you already know and trust outweigh the potential for heartbreak? Will you be okay with your decision, years from now, if you let fear keep you from taking a chance on something that could be beautiful? Check out this reminder to be brave from Joshua 1:9.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

We’re not meant to let fear dictate our decisions. Dating your best friend can be worth the risk if your bond is strong and you’re both committed to making it work. The transition from friendship to romance requires careful consideration and open communication. Of course there are potential pitfalls, but the reward of finding love with someone who knows you deeply can be a beautiful and fulfilling experience.

The Gut-Wrenching Challenges to Secretly Loving Your Best Friend

Laura reveals the gut-wrenching challenges she's facing being secretly in love with her best guy friend: It's been really hard because sometimes it seems like he likes me and sometimes it seems very obvious that we're just friends. It's torn my heart up on several occasions. I'm currently trying to get over him, because it's just too hard to love him from a distance. I don't want to lose our friendship as we've been through a lot together in the years we've known each other, but I'd rather save my heart for someone who I know is going to give me his heart fully in return.

It's okay to have feelings of love because of the trust you share with your best friend, but that doesn't necessarily mean you are in love. But it does mean you have the ingredients to develop awesome love which could turn into a great marriage. Someone once said great friends make great lovers. The longer you're friends, the more stable your relationship is going to be.

A lot of good friends can do things that romantic partners cannot. Friends usually say what they need to say to each other without fear, and good friends are more likely to be spontaneous with their activities.

Two Warnings if  You Think You Are In Love With Your Best Friend

When you start to feel you desire more than just a casual friendship with your best friend and you're not sure what to do next, let me offer you some advice that could strengthen both your relationship and your love for each other.
First, don't rush into a romantic relationship with your best friend. Many times, people confuse love with that other kind of caring love you feel for all of your other friends.

Second, don't spill your guts right away. You might feel like you have to share all your thoughts and feelings with the other person as soon as you start to feel something. That's usually a mistake.

Javier agrees: This girl and I have known each other for nearly seven years and we have been close friends for about three. Eventually, we did start liking each other and we went out for a month and a few weeks. After that relationship ended, I didn't feel very hurt or sad. It was odd. I found myself being freer and I got to thinking: Don't rush into [a romantic] relationship with your best friend...many times people confuse love with that other kind of caring love you feel for all of your [other] friends.

Find another good friend you can trust—someone with whom you can verbalize your deep emotions about your best friend with whom you are in love. This other friend will help you continue to show the self-control of letting a good friendship grow into an even deeper friendship. Hold your emotions and get them out in a healthy way with another friend. Why chance ruining a good thing, at least for now?

Friendship IS the start of a Real Romance

On the other hand, after you've been a good friend with him/her for some time, you should be able to read their moods. You should be able to get some sense as to whether or not the friendship has developed into more of a romance for him/her, as well as yourself. If you see these signs, you might want to begin to talk about them with the good friend you so deeply love. After all, good friends should be able to talk about nearly anything.

I think Jane has a great perspective: The only time I would recommend someone reveal their feelings is if they are SURE it is mutual. A really honest friendship will often develop into love without any conscious effort. And if he doesn't love you, isn't having a REAL, HONEST, CARING guy friend better than a boyfriend who might leave you at any moment? Friends are people who you don't have to constantly worry about leaving you for no reason. And if he cares for you and stands up for you, he already loves you in a way already. 

First and foremost, good friends should know how much each person values the other. We make the mistake of demanding that many of our relationships be all or nothing romantically. Whether the person you are in love with ends up marrying you or not, you have had the joy of experiencing real love.

Real Love

Real love is rich, pure, and self-sacrificing. To experience that kind of love with anyone is a priceless gift.

This is how the Bible describes true love: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

Isn't that awesome? This verse also describes how God loves YOU!  Trust God as He shows you whether your best friend will become your life's partner. You may want to pray to God for guidance in this relationship and even have others pray for you.

Still wondering if it's really love or friendship?  Read: How to Know if it's Really Love. 

Do you have a feeling your boyfriend or girlfriend is cheating on you? If so, you should be aware of some telltale warning signs. Below, I give you 15 signs to test your relationship to determine if your boyfriend or girlfriend is cheating on you.

Do You Have a Feeling Your Boyfriend or Girlfriend Is Cheating On You?

But first...

How to Handle Cheating

Can You Tell If Someone Is Cheating?

Without asking whether your spouse or partner is seeing someone else, you may not know for certain if they are being unfaithful. Yes, there are common signs of cheating. People who cheat often seem defensive, or like they are hiding what they've been up to. They might spend more time away from you than usual. Or they might not be as affectionate with you as they once were. But all these circumstances could also point to different problems they're having that have nothing to do with infidelity. Claiming someone is cheating is a serious accusation without complete confirmation. If you are concerned about your partner's behavior, ask them about it directly before making assumptions that they are being unfaithful. For example, "It seems like you've been spending a lot of time away from home and I haven't been able to reach you when you're gone. What's going on? Is everything okay?" This may result in you learning the root of the problem, so you can talk through it. If your partner becomes defensive or lashes out, don't resume the conversation until you've gotten support for having these challenging conversations. Reaching out to a mentor or counselor is a safe way to talk through what you've observed and how your partner responds.

Can you relate to Angela's fear?

Angela's fear of her boyfriend cheating on her led her in all the wrong directions. "I always think in my head that he's cheating, so I want to cheat. Or if he's ignoring me, I don't know what else to do. Every time we fight and he doesn't show me love, I find it somewhere else. If he ever left me, my whole life would fall apart. But I never think about these consequences when I'm doing what I do. It's like drinking and driving; people know the consequences of drinking and driving but yet do it anyway because it seems okay or it's tempting."

Have you been hurt like Katrina?

Katrina had her trust shattered when she was engaged. "I caught my fiancé cheating on me. We had been together for 5 years and all he would tell me was that he wasn't happy. I think when he found that other woman, he uncovered feelings that he didn't feel with me. The worst part is that it went on for a month. He always would tell me he would never do something like this to me."

Now the test...

Test Your Relationship Against These 15 Signs Your Bf/Gf May Be Cheating On You

1. You begin to notice an emotional distance between the two of you. Things just aren't the way they used to be.

2. Your instinct tells you he or she is being unfaithful. Deep in your heart, you sense something has gone wrong with your relationship.

3. You begin spending less time together. Your bf/gf tells you he/she doesn't have the time for you like they used to.

4. The one you love so much stops asking you to go out and do special things together. Your boyfriend/girlfriend just doesn't have the time for you like before.

5. They suddenly start encouraging you to spend time with other people. Their rationalization is that if you spend time with other people, then I can too.

6. There's a distinct change in his or her schedule. They often make excuses for the extended time of running errands.

7. There are huge blocks of time your bf/gf is secretive about. They won't tell you where they have been.

8. You notice suspicious cell phone activity like secret texts, emails, or strange websites. Many people are caught cheating because of what is on their computers or cell phones.

9. He or she doesn't answer certain phone calls when you're around. They look especially panicked when the phone rings.

10. He or she doesn't talk to you about all their deepest feelings anymore.

11. They appear anxious when you're together and want to leave; maybe they say they're just tired. Cheating drains their emotional and physical energy because of fear they're going to get caught or from spending a lot of their time trying to cover their tracks.

12. You notice a sudden change in their appearance, or they have an increased concern about how they look. Your boyfriend or girlfriend probably has a new reason to look great, and that person is most likely the one they're cheating with.

13. He or she hangs around with a new best friend of the opposite sex a lot, even more than they spend time with you.

14. Your bf/gf spends time with his/her ex but claims nothing is happening.

15. He or she begins to be increasingly critical of you or blames you for cheating, even when you haven't. This is a way of putting you on the defensive and making them feel better about what they are doing.

Do you already know they're cheating? Read this...

Be aware. Don't Ignore The Warning Signs

The above indicators are all warning signs. If you notice multiple changes in behavior, routine or personality, and not just isolated incidences, you should confront them about these signs. You should always trust first, but don't ignore red flags.
It's also important to be aware that you can't always trust your "gut feeling." Sometimes it's just jealousy and insecurity creeping in.

Lexie has some closing words of advice for us: "I think what makes a good relationship is honesty. You cannot lie to the other person or cheat! That will seriously ruin everything in the relationship, and you might not be able to fix it after it's happened. If anything's wrong, tell each other and try to work it out."

How do I stop overthinking about cheating?

Overthinking about anything can be exhausting. Overthinking about cheating can be emotionally distressing and put a strain on your relationship. If you’re struggling to put the “what if” thoughts out of your mind, it’s important to address these concerns in a healthy way and find ways to ease your anxieties. Here are some steps you can try:

Open and Honest Communication

• The first step is to communicate with your partner. Express your concerns and feelings openly and honestly. Share your fears and worries about the relationship. Maintaining a healthy, open dialogue with them can provide you with reassurance and ease any unfounded doubts.

Trust Your Partner

• Trust is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. Remind yourself that trust is vital, and your partner deserves to be trusted unless there's concrete evidence suggesting otherwise. Give them the benefit of the doubt, and treat them as trustworthy until you have a real reason to distrust them. Ask your partner to do some trust-building activities with you, if you’d like!

Self-Reflection

• Take time to reflect on the reasons behind your overthinking. Are there past experiences or insecurities contributing to your fears about cheating? Overthinking can be a trauma response. It can also be a symptom of a number of mental health conditions. Understanding the root cause of your overthinking can help you address the issue more effectively.

Set Boundaries

• Establish clear boundaries in your relationship. Discuss what is acceptable and what is not in terms of behavior, communication, and personal space. If you can be sure that your partner is on the same page as you are about what constitutes cheating, that may help provide you with a sense of security.

Build Self-Esteem

• Boost your self-esteem and self-confidence. Self-doubt and overthinking often stem from low self-esteem. Engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself and work on personal growth. Check out our ideas for boosting self-esteem!

Seek Professional Help

• If your overthinking is causing significant distress and impacting your quality of life, consider seeking help from a licensed therapist. They can help you explore your fears and anxieties, and provide strategies for managing them. They can also help you determine if your constant suspicions are founded in truth, or if they stem from another problem.

Limit Exposure to Triggers

• If certain situations or triggers intensify your overthinking, try to limit your exposure to them. For example, if certain social media interactions lead to jealousy or overthinking, consider taking a break from those platforms. It’s important to note, though, that you can only reduce your exposure to certain triggers—you can’t force your partner to get off social media or forbid them from going to certain places. All you can do is communicate to them about the impact some triggers have on your overthinking, and make it clear that you’ll be avoiding those.

Practice Patience

• Overcoming overthinking can take time. Be patient with yourself and the process. Ask your partner, friends, and trusted family for help when you’re struggling. We all have days when we feel anxious, and we all get frustrated with our brains sometimes. By taking these steps and seeking support when you need it, you can work toward a healthier, more secure relationship and reduce unnecessary anxieties about cheating.

Know your worth.

Whatever the outcome, You are Worthy of Love

If you find out your partner is cheating on you, do not let yourself think for a moment that you are not worthy of love. God created you to be just who you are, and He loves you as His precious child. In this messy, sinful world we live in, people will hurt each other. It doesn't mean you ever deserve to be hurt.  In fact, God desires that we love each other selflessly, the way He loves us.  This is how God describes love in the Bible.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.  (1 Corinthians 13:4–8)

For more verses of hope about God's plan for relationships, love, and sex, read these Verses of Hope for Cheating in Relationships.

What to Know About Cheating

Why Do People Cheat on People They Love?

It's really hard to understand why people cheat on people they love. Sometimes, people decide to cheat because they feel unloved, or like they have fallen out of love, with their partner. Sometimes, they feel the romance is gone from their relationship, and having an illicit romance gives them a sense of excitement. Sometimes they feel deep shame, pain, and regret, and they don't feel like their partner can know about it, so they turn to another person. Other times, there may not appear to be a logical reason your partner has hurt you in this way.

Regardless of what happened, or the reasons they give you, remember not to take on the responsibility or blame. If you've been cheated on by your spouse or partner, their choice to be unfaithful was not your fault. It is their responsibility to understand where they went wrong and accept the consequences of their behavior. Rather than running back to them at the first sign of regret or apology, it's important for you to take the time and space you need to heal. After all, re-entering into a relationship with someone whose dishonesty hurt you so deeply may not be emotionally safe. Talking with a mentor or counselor can help you understand and heal from the pain of cheating in a safe space with someone you can trust. 

https://youtu.be/KPJfA-KFujA?si=NnsQ4XWEwzc-8MkP

Cheating

This is not an "every-guy thing," you know. Lots of boyfriends are honest, they keep to their promises, and they do. not. cheat. When it is time for a dating relationship to end, they end it and move on. In other words, they don't start something with another girl while they are still in a dating relationship.

Some of you girls are already thinking On what planet do those guys live? I've never known a guy like that. If that is the case, maybe you need to start hanging around with a different group of guys.

If you have a history of dating cheaters or know way too many girls who have, then you might need to rethink how you pick your boyfriends. We'll get to that later.

And, yes, I know girlfriends can cheat too, but today we are going to talk about boyfriends.

Reasons Guys Cheat

There is lots of advice floating around in books, blogs, and everyday conversations about why guys cheat. But if you haven't figured this out yet, you will eventually discover that many reasons are really not that complex.

The male approach to dating lies somewhere between that of a caveman and a mechanical engineer, often more like the caveman. So, I have simplified the WHY of cheating by whittling it down to five things. This is not intended to be a complete list, mind you. But understanding these few simple things about guys could help you a lot.

1. Boyfriends Cheat Because They Want Out of the Relationship

Dustin wrote: I think the 2 main reasons why guys cheat goes like this:  1) Guys get stuck with a clingy girl. He figures maybe she'll change over the course of a few months. He really likes the girl for a lot of her character traits but notices that she's not going to let him go.

Miss Insecurity is dating Mr. Self-Confident, and with that relationship, she is trying desperately to plug some pretty big holes in her own self-esteem.  She becomes obsessed with her boyfriend. You know how that usually turns out...clinginess, jealousy, anger, tears. But Miss Insecurity doesn't want to press Mr. Self-Confident too hard about his commitment. She would prefer to assume (or in some cases, dream) he is as committed to her as she is to him.  But Mr. Self-Confident isn't committed at all and is in fact, trying to figure a way out.

One reason guys cheat is that they want out of the relationship, but aren't man enough to just break up, so they cheat in order to have an excuse to get out.

(BTW, guys have to deal with insecurity just as much as girls.)

Dustin continued: 2) Guys just want sex from a girl. The girl isn't willing to give them sex just yet, so they stick around. They wait for a while, giving promises of everlasting love until they finally get what they want. Then they stick around a little longer and say Hey!...so I've met this other girl (who I've had sex with without you knowing) and I just don't see things working out between us...so Yeah.

2. Boyfriends Cheat Because Their Relationship Goals are Different

Then there are guys who are very willing to talk about the relationship. They make lots of promises, using words like,  "I love you," "you're so beautiful," and "spend our lives together."

The girlfriend might be saying the same words, but there is a difference. Some girls give a lot and put up with a lot in order to get what they want most...the relationship. And most often, in the end, they end up with a broken heart.

On the other hand, some guys (including the ones more likely to cheat) come at it from the other direction. They get excited about the relationship too, but only because the relationship is the way to get what they want...usually sex.

It's pretty simple..  she wants a relationship, so much so, that she is willing to offer sex to get it. He wants sex, even if he has to give some relationship to get it. But cheating violates the relationship, not the sex.  To put it bluntly...guys cheat because the relationship was never their goal...it was the sex.

3. Boyfriends Cheat Because They Aren't Strong Enough to Resist the Temptation

Boyfriends who cheat don't always do it with a plan in mind. Remember, guys are not that complex. You probably know about some girls who stalk guys like sexual predators- they try in every way they can to get them to cheat. Unfortunately, some guys just don't have what it takes to refuse.

4. Boyfriends Cheat Because of the Influences Around Them

Check this out...when it comes to being faithful to wives and girlfriends, one of the most important factors is a guy's parents. Generally speaking, guys who grow up in homes where their parents cheat, find it much easier to do the same thing.

Counselor Gary Neuman asked 200 cheating and non-cheating husbands about why they cheated. He found that 77% of cheating men have a good friend who also cheated.  Some guys give in easily to the temptation to cheat because that is what their friends and family do. You should not judge a guy by what those around him do, but don't underestimate the power of influence.

5. Boyfriends Cheat Because They Got Away With It Before

Do you remember Tiger Woods? He was married to one of the hottest women on the planet, but he was a big-time cheater with lots of women. (BTW, only 12% of cheating husbands in the Neuman study said that the women they cheated with were more physically attractive than their wives.)

The guy cheated once, then twice, then three times. It became easier and easier to give in, harder and harder to say no. If you are dating a guy who cheated before, there is a good chance he will cheat on you too, even if from the beginning he never planned it that way. If he has cheated more than once, it is even more likely that it will happen again.

Bears Repeating - This is Not ALL Men

These five reasons don't paint a very favorable picture of guys...so let me reiterate, this is NOT all men.  And while it might be hard for a cheater to change his ways, it's not impossible.  I believe sometimes people are truly ashamed of a choice they made and would like to undo the past.  In fact, if you are the Cheater here are 5 Life-Changing Steps for you! My point in this blog is to point out things to look for and consider if you find yourself in a relationship with someone who cheats.

What Does It Mean When a Guy Cheats on His Girlfriend With You?

First and foremost, it means you cheated too. If you didn’t know he had a girlfriend, it wasn’t intentional, but you do need to step back and respect the person he cheated on before you pursue or demand a relationship with this guy. If you knew he had a girlfriend, then you knowingly cheated, and it’s time to examine why. We all make mistakes, and it’s important to avoid falling into a toxic shame spiral. But it’s also important to be honest and accountable for your actions.

You can’t read his mind, or his heart, or predict his next steps. If you are in love with him and want to be with him, you can communicate that to him, but say it once, say it clearly, and then wait for his response. Continuing the relationship behind someone else’s back isn’t fair to anyone. Letting him continue to speak to you or see you while he’s still with someone else is up to you, but it is a continuation of the cheating behavior.

Once you’ve stepped away from him, whether you’re stepping away from him for good or until he breaks up with his girlfriend, you need to take some time to reflect on what you really want. You can spend time wondering what he wants, whether he’s choosing you, or what it means that he cheated to be with you, but in the end, the only person whose mind, heart, and actions you control is you.

Reflect on what the future would look like with this guy:

• If he cheated on her to be with you, would you be able to trust him to be faithful to you if he met someone else he was attracted to? Or would you be constantly worried about him cheating again? 
• Do you believe you have a genuine connection with him? Was lust and the excitement of something forbidden part of what brought y’all together? Is what you have a solid foundation for a lasting, healthy relationship?
• Do you feel your personal values align with his? Is he a person you can imagine a future with? Is he someone you would want to see yourself within a year, two years, five years?
• Do you feel like you are your best self when you’re with him? Is he someone who encourages you to act within your integrity, pursue personal growth, and chase your dreams? Or is he someone who just makes you feel comfortable with the status quo and excuses behaviors you don’t like seeing in yourself?

When you find yourself in the position of being “the other woman,” you have an opportunity. Will you use this opportunity to get to know yourself better, hold yourself accountable to your values, and seek the support you need to grow?

Can a Man Cheat and Still Love His Girlfriend?

It’s important to remember that the choice to cheat rests on only one person’s shoulders: the cheater. There is nothing that the cheater’s betrayed partner did or didn’t say or do to force that choice. Sure, maybe the relationship wasn’t the healthiest, leading the cheater to desire connection outside of it, but there is no excuse for betraying someone who trusts you rather than choosing the brave path of communicating about your problems or breaking up if you’re not happy.

Now, can you cheat on someone you love? Sure, people betray those they love all the time. From borrowing your sister’s sweater without permission to asking the girl you know your best friend has a crush on to prom, you’re going to make a decision that leaves a loved one feeling betrayed at some point. The real question is, what’s going to happen with that relationship after the betrayal?

In this scenario, two decisions need to be made:

• The man who cheated has to decide if he’s willing to take responsibility for what he’s done and work like he’s never worked before to rebuild trust with his girlfriend. He has to be ready to make serious changes in his lifestyle, own up to his failures, and commit to personal growth that isn’t going to be comfortable or convenient. His other option is to let her go. If he can’t handle being faced with the consequences of his actions, like being there for her when she breaks down in tears over random triggers, being willing to cut off contact with unhealthy friendships, going to therapy, or allowing her to see his phone whenever she wants, etc. then he needs to decide to end the relationship. Otherwise, this cycle will most likely repeat itself.
• The girlfriend who got cheated on has to decide if she wants the kind of love this man can give her. Sure, he “loves” her, but he chose to be with someone else and betray that love. No matter what kind of trust is rebuilt from that point on, the past cannot be rewritten. She has to decide if she would rather do the hard work of breaking up with him, grieving that relationship, and moving on with her life or the hard work of grieving the betrayal, healing from the trauma, and learning to rebuild trust with this man she loves. Either path is difficult, and either path is an understandable choice. But the choice has to be made.

Giving it a Reason Doesn't Make it Hurt Any Less

Just because you may now be able to determine the reason your boyfriend cheated on you, it doesn't mean it hurts any less. In fact, it might hurt even more. So I want you to know, right now, that you can and will get through this. Many others have walked this path before. You might learn some tough lessons through the process, but you can come out on the other side of this stronger and ready for a healthy relationship.

In the meantime, God wants to help heal your broken heart. He promises this in the Bible:

If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath. Psalm 34:18 MSG

The only condition is that you need to look to God for help, pray to Him and share your feelings with Him

God met me more than halfway, he freed me from my anxious fears. Look at him; give him your warmest smile. Never hide your feelings from him. When I was desperate, I called out, and God got me out of a tight spot. God’s angel sets up a circle of protection around us while we pray. Open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see—how good God is. Blessed are you who run to him. Psalm 34:4-8 MSG

God is waiting to comfort you in your pain. It's up to you whether or not to accept it.

You know they are cheating on you, but what are you going to do next? Read - Your BF/GF is Cheating on You...Now What? 

 

How to Fix a Friendship

What to Say to Mend a Friendship

When you have been fighting with a friend, knowing what to say to mend a friendship can be difficult. If it's not clear where things went wrong, ask your friend to talk things over. If you've realized you made a mistake or hurt your friend, a clear and simple apology is best. "I'm so sorry I hurt you. I really want to mend our friendship. Will you forgive me? Is there something I can do to make things right or do better in the future?"

If you have been hurt by your friend, let them know. It is a difficult conversation to have, but honesty is one of the things that repairs and strengthens friendships. It may take some time to practice forgiveness and rebuild trust. But when you are both willing to work on your friendship, it will get stronger with time. It's also helpful to remind yourself, and each other, what you are grateful for about one another, and about the unique friendship you have. Focusing on the positives is one way to get over the bumps in the road. If you or your friend need time or space, it doesn't mean your friendship is doomed. You can use that time to get support from a counselor, mentor, or someone else you trust to give you advice about friendships. 

Is It Worth Telling a Friend They Hurt You?

If you’ve been hurt by a friend, the first thing to do is take a big breath. And another. And another. When someone you love and respect hurts your feelings, it hits differently than when a stranger or acquaintance does. They know you and love you, so how could they have done or said something that hurt you? You might question whether or not they actually love you after all, or even like you! You might question the friendship. That’s why the big breaths are important—don’t make any rash decisions here.

Once you feel a little more calm, it’s time to reflect:

• Why did their words or actions hurt?
• Do you think the hurt was intentional?
• Do you think the hurt was avoidable?
• How would you have preferred your friend to behave?
• Had your expectations been communicated to this friend previously?
• Have your friend’s actions demonstrated love and respect for you in the past?
• Is this a friendship you’d like to keep?
• Will this hurt fester and create resentment if you don’t address it?
• What do you expect from confronting your friend about this?
• How will your relationship change if your friend isn’t sorry?

When you have reflected on what happened, you need to decide whether or not to confront your friend about hurting your feelings. Sometimes, it’s okay to give a good friend the benefit of the doubt—perhaps the thing they said or did was a total accident, or there’s no way they could have known it would hurt you. In this case, it may be okay for you to let it go without saying something.

Other times, hurt really does need to be addressed before your relationship can continue. Maybe trust has been broken, or you feel you need an apology to re-establish respect. Approach them with the respect you’d want someone to approach you with, explain how their behavior impacted you, and ask them not to repeat that behavior in the future. Hopefully, your friend will respond with love and understanding.

5 Sure Tips to Mend a Friendship

One of life's greatest gifts is having a best friend. If you have one, you are truly blessed. But you no doubt also know how painful it can be when your best friend is mad at you. Many a friend has spent sleepless nights due to a broken relationship with a best friend. Sometimes it's difficult to tell exactly what went wrong - if it's something hurtful you did without realizing it, or if it's just a misunderstanding. Maybe someone told a lie about you to try and drive a wedge between the two of you.

So, what can you do when your best friend is mad at you?

1. Talk It Out with Your Best Friend

When your best friend is mad at you, the first and most important thing you can do is talk about it. Find a place where it's quiet and tell your friend how important it is to you that the two of you resolve what's wrong between you.  Ask what he or she is feeling, and give her the chance to truly express everything, whatever she wants. At this point, it's your job to listen. Really listen and don't break in with your point of view. The more you can feel what your friend is feeling, the better chance you'll have of fixing your conflict. Jennifer agreed: The only way to fix what went wrong is by letting your friend say everything that makes them mad. Try to understand why they feel that way. All the effort is worth it.

2. Don't Get Defensive

The worst thing you can do is get defensive when resolving a conflict with your best friend.  Don't quickly react to what your friend is saying. When you hear your friend tell you what he or she thinks you did wrong, it's natural to immediately feel like you want to defend yourself. Resist that feeling. Remember, there will be time for you to express how you feel as well. Don't forget this is your time to listen.  This is not a sign of agreeing; it is just a sign of listening!

3. Ask What You Can Do

It may take a while for your friend to express everything he or she feels. Some people have a much more difficult time talking about their emotions than others. As your friend tells you what they're feeling, make sure they are completely finished before you start to talk. I suggest you start by repeating back to your friend what you heard him or her say. For instance, "Am I right you're angry that I was unkind to you? Is that right?" This gives you both the opportunity to make sure each of you heard what the other said.

The next thing you might want to ask is "What can I do to help mend the relationship?" Many times, your friend will have an idea of what they'd like you to do. At this point, you can decide if you're willing to do what he or she thinks would help to resolve the situation. Keep in mind, that your hurt friend may have a totally unrealistic solution to the problem. Don't make promises you can't keep. For example, if she says, "I never want you to talk to my boyfriend again." Don't commit to that, for it is totally unrealistic and unfair.

David said, Sometimes your friend has completely unrealistic expectations. You can either decide to find a middle ground or walk away. Most people don't know when their expectations are unrealistic. You might find it helpful to say, "I don't think I can do what you're asking, but I could do this." Finding an agreeable middle ground is a great way to make peace with an angry friend.

Be patient, and keep trying to be loving to your friend, even if he or she doesn't want to respond.

4. Be Willing To Admit You're Wrong

If it becomes clear you have done something truly wrong, you need to take responsibility for your actions. It's easy to think that just saying I'm sorry is enough. But those words can seem very shallow if you don't mean them, or if you don't know why you're sorry. Are you sorry because you got caught? Or are you sorry because you can see how you hurt your friend? If you are truly sorry about something you did that hurt your friend, you need to apologize, and then prove you will attempt to never do it again. Clearly ask your friend to forgive you. Make sure you hear the words, I will forgive you before you assume all is well with your friend.
However, your friend may be slow to trust you again, even after you have apologized. He/she will need to see trustworthy behavior from you over a period of time this will prove to her you really are sorry.

5. Give It Time

If your friend doesn't want to talk about what is making him or her so mad, you may have to just give it time. Sometimes the only way to resolve a problem is by letting time pass. Be patient, and keep trying to be a good friend, even if he or she doesn't want to respond. A blogger, Pumpkin, said she and her best friend have been friends for nearly 12 1/2 years. We have had our ups and downs, but we're still friends. Even when she tried to pull away and we didn't talk much, I made a choice to keep on calling her and trying to help find the friendship we once had.

Sometimes one friend has to make the effort to be there for the friend even when you're not sure they really care if you're friends or not. It's impossible to know exactly why some people hold on to anger and resentment longer than what might seem reasonable.

Sometimes all you can do is try your best to seek a resolution. You can't make anybody else do what they don't want to do. You might want to read this blog I wrote on forgiveness for help learning how to forgive your friend.

Try Your Best

We were created to live in a community with other people.  When God designed us he made us social and relational beings with the desire to love and be loved.  God created us in His very own image, so we have some of the same character traits as God.  And God is relational.  In fact, He wants a relationship with YOU!

God also knows how important it is to have good friends. The Bible talks about the benefits of having others in your life: It’s better to have a partner than go it alone. Share the work, share the wealth. And if one falls down, the other helps, but if there’s no one to help, tough! Two in a bed warm each other. Alone, you shiver all night. By yourself, you’re unprotected. With a friend, you can face the worst. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 MSG)

However, it's important to recognize that sometimes we can only do so much to repair a damaged relationship. In the end, your friend is going to need to want it as well. God knew this and so he wisely advises us just to do our best to find peace. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. (Romans 12:18)

Sometimes friendships grow stronger through difficult times. So don't give up on your friend just because you are having difficulties, but know when it might be time to move on.

Every relationship will hit a speed bump at one time or another. Because your best friend knows you so well, it's easier for that person to really hurt you. Show your friend you are willing to work through the difficult times of misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Work toward peace and ask God to help.

Further Recommendations

If you think your friend might be struggling with something beyond just your relationship, check out our eBook library for eBooks on all types of issues and every eBook has a section on how to help a friend who is struggling with that issue.

A lot of times, you do have a choice about whom you are close friends with, so choose them wisely. For more, read Choose Friends Wisely.

What to Do About Parent Approval of a Relationship

What if My Parents Don't Approve of My BF/GF?

Finding someone you love who loves you in return can be difficult. Then learning how to deal with conflicts within a relationship can be painful, as well. But there is an entire additional level of stress when, for some reason, you discover your parent(s) disapprove of the person you are dating.

This can make any dating relationship difficult and put a strain on your home life.

When you discover your parents strongly disapprove of your bf/gf, your first inclination will be to pull away from them and continue your dating relationship behind their back. This doesn't do anybody any good. Never secretly date someone your parents don't want you to date. Having secrets and lies between you and your parents ruins trust and causes needless stress and drama which will affect your self-esteem, grades, and even your other friends.

Just Because You Disagree Doesn't Make Your Parents Dumb

Just because they are your parents and you don't agree with them, that doesn't make them dumb.  Although far from perfect, they have years of experience and wisdom that you don't have yet. This might enable them to see the character faults in your bf/gf a whole lot easier than you, especially if you're blinded by the deep emotions you feel for your bf/gf. It is worth pushing pause on your anger and emotions and considering whether your parents may be right. They have the advantage of perspective...they realize over 90% of high school dating ends up not working out. Parents remember their own good and bad choices while dating. They just want you to be protected from bad consequences that could affect the rest of your life.

The fact of the matter is, that most people spend very little time researching and getting to know the other person before they start dating them. They just jump into the relationship. Many parents' fears are well-founded. They have fears of unwanted pregnancy, date rape, drug use, physical abuse, or simply having their children get a needless and unnecessary broken heart.

What Are the Signs of a Toxic Relationship With Parents?

First of all, just because your parents don’t like who you’re dating doesn’t mean they’re toxic. It’s okay for them to have concerns–they love you, and they want your life to be easy and fulfilling. However, it’s pretty common for toxic parents to be hard to please, and if you’re working to address some conflict with them over your romantic partner, but they’re being unreasonable, there might be some toxicity in the family.

How do you know if your parents are toxic? Common signs of toxic parents are:

• They overreact or often have surprising, loud, large, or out-of-control emotional reactions.
• They think about everything in relation to themselves. For example, they might ask, “How could you do this to me?” about things that have nothing to do with them. They may also have a hard time with empathy for your feelings and experiences.
• They treat you as a main source of their emotional support, even if you’ve asked them not to, and even if they need support for things it’s inappropriate for them to talk to their child about.
• They don’t respect your boundaries. If you live with them, they go through your phone or diary, they don’t knock before they enter your room or the bathroom, or they tell your siblings things you said in confidence. If you don’t live with them, they call you constantly despite knowing your work schedule, or they show up at your home without asking first.
• They’re controlling. They use manipulation to get you to do what they want—guilt, money, the silent treatment, withholding love, etc.
• They’re extremely critical. They are never happy with what you do. If you get an A-, why wasn’t it an A+? If you get into college, why didn’t you get a full scholarship? If your team won a game, why weren’t you the top scorer? If you picked up your brother from school, why didn’t you feed him dinner? If you come home for Christmas, why aren’t you staying longer?

If you think you and your parents may have a toxic dynamic, the first thing you need to realize is that you cannot change them. They are who they are, and you can only change how you cope with and relate to them. A licensed therapist can help you figure out how to negotiate healthy boundaries with folks who aren’t necessarily going to respect those boundaries, so seek out counseling to address difficult family dynamics.

What Do Others Say?

Carolyn commented that her response to her parents' dislike of her boyfriend was to ask other people what they thought. They [my parents] said he lied, cheated, and I shouldn't be involved with him. They also said he pushed me around too much. So I thought about what they said and talked to more people. The more people I talked to, nobody wanted us together. It wasn't just my parents. Chances are, your parents have more wisdom than you do and it's a good idea to take their advice. 

Solomon, the man God blessed with the greatest wisdom in the Bible, said something very similar. He said, "Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisors they succeed." Proverbs 15:22   He also went on to say, "A wise person is hungry for knowledge, while the fool feeds on trash." Proverbs 15:14

Be wise here. Search for knowledge about your bf/gf from many people, including your parents, and take their advice seriously.

Tips for Having a Successful Conversation With Your Parents

The best thing you can do is to sit down with your parents and calmly, with great respect, ask what it is they don't like about your bf/gf and what you can do to lessen their fears and objections. Another question you could ask them is, "What should my bf/gf do to win your trust?" Be willing to listen to what they have to say. Never argue with them about it. That never works. It only shows them you are too immature to be in the relationship they are so worried about.

They will appreciate your desire to learn from their wisdom and respect their point of view. Remember, most of the time they are right and who wants to gamble with the few times they might be wrong, just for the sake of having a bf/gf.

Ask your parents if they would be willing to meet with your bf/gf and have them explain their reservations to him/her. If your bf/gf refuses to meet with your parents, that's a sure sign he/she is not respectful to you or your parents.

What Do Parents Expect?

Sometimes parents' expectations for whom you should date can be too high, but often your expectations are too low. Are you willing to settle for someone who might be harmful to you in the long run, just because they appear to show interest in you in the short term? Your parents can help you answer that question without all the emotional fog you are experiencing.

Most parents will appreciate a bf/gf who treats you with respect and honesty. Someone who makes you a better person. If they observe that you are often sad or hurt, those are red flags for them. They will also appreciate someone who cares enough for you that they are willing to make an effort to get along with them.

As you identify the problems and come up with the plans to fix them, you will be well on your way to a more healthy and positive relationship between you, your bf/gf, and your parents. Don't forget, while boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, parents are forever.

How do you go about protecting and guarding your heart? Click here for the lies and truths on how to guard your heart in relationships.