Progressive choices that lead to destruction. 

At work and church, in our neighborhoods and during our daily activities, we all encounter people of the opposite sex who are attractive. That's not the problem. Our selfish choices after the attraction create the problem. Adultery has a progression and most people (even Christians) take these steps before they slide down the slippery slope.

I know, because I chose this path when I left my husband for a coworker named Jake. I know the lies I told myself, the selfish decisions that broke my husband's heart, and the sins I committed. I also know the healing and restoration that took place when I confessed, broke off the affair, and found forgiveness from my husband and God. Although I have healed, there are scars that remain, even 25 years later, so I pray you will learn from my mistakes as you consider these progressive elements of adultery.

Common Steps to Adultery

1.  AN UNGUARDED MIND

This is the "What if..." stage where your thoughts begin to grow unchecked. You find yourself asking questions like, "I wonder if he thinks I'm attractive?" Or you think, "I hope she sits near me during the meeting."

Perhaps you try to manipulate your schedule or activities to create more opportunities for contact. Nothing inappropriate has happened yet, but you think about the possibilities. If you allow this to continue, your emotions will grow, the fantasies will take root, and you'll think about the other person in romantic or sexual situations.

Solution: If an inappropriate thought pops into your head, do NOT allow it to linger. Quickly remove yourself from any tempting situations. Follow the advice in Proverbs 7: 25: "Don't let your desires get out of hand: don't let yourself think about her." Look up Philippians 4:8 and learn how God wants us to think.

2.  AN UNGUARDED HEART

This is the stage where your emotions run wild, and you begin to lie to yourself. (In my case, I told myself I deserve to be happy.) You may start to build emotional bonds with the other person by creating excuses to spend time together. You may try to increase the positive contact and do things to please him or her. For example: If he mentions that he likes red, you may be tempted to wear a red dress or if she talks about a favorite flower, you may want to bring her one.

Solution: Ask the Lord to help you get control of your emotions and to give you a clean heart which seeks after Him. Be deliberate in your walk with God. "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded" (James 4:8).

Consider the negative consequences if this flirtation continues: your spouse's pain, loss of respect from children, friends, and relatives, and financial losses. You may need to confess your temptation to your spouse or a trusted friend who will hold you accountable because dark secrets have less power when you bring them into the light.

3.  AN UNGUARDED MOUTH

This step includes verbal flirtations and taking the relationship beyond theory into reality. Perhaps you begin by offering or responding to personal compliments such as, "You are the perfect match for me," or "When I'm with you, the rest of my life fades away."

Knowing that compliments are like magnets, you begin to form an attraction and create a verbal intimacy that includes whispers, code words, pet names, and intimate secrets. This can also include flirtatious or sensual/sexual email conversations and text messages.

The next verbal step is to talk about the "What if...." For example, "If I weren't married, you'd be my soul mate," or "I wish I'd met you before I got married." Jake and I used to play this fantasy game: "If we could run away together, where would we go?"

Then the negative words about your current mate begin:

"My husband treats me like a maid and never compliments me."

"My wife just treats me like a paycheck, and I'm not attracted to her anymore."

"My wife/husband and I are just roommates and if it weren't for the kids, I'd have left years ago."

Solution: Focus on the good things in your marriage and try to compliment your mate at least once a day. Be aware that any emails or texts you send are not really private. If you would be ashamed to have your pastor or mother read it, don't type it. "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen" (Eph 4:29). Concentrate on building up your marriage with your words instead.

4.  AN UNGUARDED BODY

This is the step where emotional adultery becomes physical. Some people think that only intercourse defines adultery, but I strongly disagree If you have intimate, sensual contact with someone other than your spouse, it is a breach of your marriage vows. Ask yourself, "If my actions were photographed, would they condemn me?"

I know how exciting the forbidden kiss is and how electrifying the stolen, passionate caress is but I also know how costly they are because I almost lost everything including my marriage. I walked away from my relationship with Christ as I chose to follow my selfish heart into sin. But I, like the prodigal son, came to my senses as I ran back to the Lord and He welcomed me home. Then I begged my husband's forgiveness, broke off all contact with Jake, and rebuilt my marriage. Ron and I now help couples see that no marriage is beyond God's ability to heal.

Solution: If you've already crossed the line, stop all contact with the other person, confess your sin, ask for God's forgiveness, and follow the instruction in Romans 12:1 to "Present your bodies as a living sacrifice to God." Then read and comply with 2 Corinthians 7:1 which says, "Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God."

Bring your temptation and sin to God.  Here is a suggested prayer:

Oh Lord, purify my mind, my heart, my mouth, and my body, I want to be a clean vessel, always ready for Your use and available to serve Your purposes. Deliver me from evil as I flee temptation and run to the shelter of Your outstretched arms. I want to be holy and set apart for You Lord. Please fill me with Your Holy Spirit and empower me to stand strong and bring honor to You and my family. Through the power of Jesus’ name, I ask these things, Amen.

Cheating is one of the most devastating things that can happen in a romantic relationship. For more information and resources visit our cheating topic page.

The pain of divorce and the toll it takes on everyone in the family never really go away in the years following. 

I’ve talked to many people about their parents’ divorce who said, “I had no idea all the ways it would impact my life and my feelings, even years later.” 

But the truth is, divorce is traumatic. No matter how long ago your parents were divorced, you need help and healing to recover from the pain it causes.

Pain Changes Over Time

To understand how adults were feeling about their parents’ divorce, I thought about what happens when we are physically wounded. The way divorce and other trauma affects us can be a lot like how we heal from a wound. 

At first, the pain is very raw, but the way that pain feels changes as time passes and the wounds heal. 

Maybe we feel dull or numb. Maybe it’s a persistent pain that never seems to go away. Maybe we have scars that always remind us, and show others, what we’ve been through. 

Or maybe it hasn’t healed at all, and we can’t figure out why. 

If your pain about your parents’ divorce is so persistent and strong that it seems to take away from your happiness and quality of life, it’s time to get some additional help and support.

Common Feelings of Adult Children of Divorce

I understand that it can be hard to reach out, especially when there are so many feelings swirling around that they’re hard to put into words. I suggest taking some time to think about how you feel about your parents’ divorce. Don’t filter it. Be honest. Do any of these feelings or situations come to mind?

• You can’t seem to shake the guilt about your parents’ divorce. No matter what people tell you, you still feel responsible somehow.
• You don’t feel like you can talk to either of your parents about how the divorce makes you feel, because you don’t want to be a burden to them.
• You feel frustrated that the divorce still bothers you so much, even after years of working on how you feel about it. Your friends whose parents are divorced seemed to get over it faster, and you wonder what’s missing.
• You don’t feel comfortable talking with one or both of your parents (even about day-to-day life), because they always seem to overshare about the divorce or speak negatively about the other parent.

If you need to, take some time to meditate on your feelings and see what comes up. When I struggle to put my feelings into words, I find that spending time in prayer and pouring my heart out to God are great ways to be more in touch with my feelings in a way that feels safe to me.

Understanding Your Emotional and Spiritual Needs

Whatever you feel about your parents’ divorce, I’d suggest asking yourself an important question: what do I feel like I need from my relationship with my parents that seems to be missing as a result of the divorce?

I find that when people in my family have been fighting, I’m often left feeling isolated from them and afraid to talk to them. I need to know I can be myself and be honest about my needs for love, affection, and quality time. 

But I’ve also had to understand that there are certain needs in my life that no one person can fill, no matter how close we are. In those times, I know I have to rely on God to fill the holes left from painful experiences in my life. Don’t forget just because you have a hard time knowing how to talk about your parents’ divorce doesn’t mean you have to deal with those feelings alone. We are here for you to listen to you, pray with you, and help you put your feelings into words so you can build stronger relationships with people you care about. Healing from divorce and its pain is possible, and we will do our best to support you every step of the way.

What has been your experience?

Why Do My Grandparents Want Their Money Back

Rebecca moved far away from her family for a new job. Her grandparents loaned her $1,000 to help with her job transition. The money was for her rent deposit and some living expenses incurred before her job started. Now, her grandparents want their $1,000 back.

If only it were that simple. Rebecca has really been through it since moving! Her car was totaled by a drunk driver. Later, the driver died by suicide. Then she had health issues arise from all the stress. Now, she has an $11,000 hospital bill which doesn’t include physical therapy expenses.

Her grandparents don’t understand how difficult this is for her and are very angry with her. They want her to be closer to home. Rebecca says, she could have a better paying job but not sure if that’s what God wants her to do.

How Do I Forgive Myself

Rebecca wants advice on: What she can do to forgive herself for what she’s done to contribute to her financial disaster. She also asks, should she distance herself from her grandparents while still maintaining her obligations?

She's Too Hard on Herself

Rebecca’s being too hard on herself. She’s gone through so much and is stable. She has another vehicle and has a new job on the horizon. She has a lot going for her. Her grandparents may want her back living where they are, or they might just be fearful that they are never going to get their money back. Rebecca does need to communicate with her grandparents and let them know what her plans are.

Peer to Peer: Message of Hope for Rebecca

Ann called and encouraged Rebecca to trust God through all of what she’s going through; to trust God with her grandparents and her job and all her worries.

Stop Blaming Yourself, Trust God

Ann said as she listened to Rebecca’s story, she kept thinking about Proverbs 3:5-6. Sometimes you have to surrender it all and you have to trust God. Give your grandparents and the job to God. Ann had a situation in her life where she prayed about moving to Texas and God said to go. She arrived in Texas and there was no job but then 3 days later, God had another job for her. Even that job was temporary, but every time one door closed, He opened another door. Ann says to trust God and put Him first. She tells Rebecca, stop blaming yourself, trust God! Trust God to show you where to go and who to talk to. God is going to take care of your grandparents and take care of everything.

Meditate and think on Proverbs 3:5-6:
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.”

What advice would you give Rebecca?

Have you ever had a financial disaster? Or taken a loan from a family member and not been able to pay it back when they wanted it back? Maybe you’ve even been the person who loaned money to a friend or family member. If you have insight into Rebecca’s situation, would you share in the comments below? What you have to say could be the encouragement Rebecca or someone else needs to find hope in their journey.

Did Today’s Episode Get You Thinking?

Rebecca’s really been through a lot, but Ann’s advice is spot on. She needs to trust the Lord. Rebecca had a setback in her life but she’s fighting through it. She’s pursuing a new job, trying to make a plan to pay back her grandparents, and is praying for guidance from the Lord. We will all face challenges and adversity in our lives but if we can get to the point of trusting God, even when we don’t comprehend and understand it all, then that’s where God can work. He will pick up the pieces and help us to get on the right path. May God’s will be done in Rebecca’s life and in yours!

Resources for Hope and Forgiving Yourself 

Check out my blogs:

• How Can I Find Hope?
• Finding Hope Amidst a Health Crisis
• Should I Forgive Myself and if so, How?
• Who Does God Say That You Are?

Need to talk to someone about how you are feeling, then: Chat with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine.

One last thing,

My podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now at our Give Now page.

Remember, whatever you do, Never Lose Hope! 

There have been plenty of times I’ve messed up in my friendships, in my marriage, or with people at work. Often, after a difficult conversation or interaction with someone, I get that strange feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can sometimes get stuck in a rut of asking why things went the way they did, or what I could have done differently.

Can you relate?

Feeling guilty can get overwhelming. It can make us fearful or insecure in our relationship if we’re not careful about how we discuss and manage our emotions.

Guilt is a tough emotion. But there’s good news amidst difficult situations that make us feel guilty. Sometimes guilt can be good for us.

Understanding the Purpose of Guilt

Emotions are not wholly bad or wholly good. It all depends on how we express them, how we manage them, and what we learn from them. Guilt is no different.

When I remember why guilt happens, it can help me feel better about having a healthy amount of guilt.

Guilt can provide us with an emotional signal that something we have done or are considering doing goes against our beliefs and our conscience. When you feel guilty, ask yourself:

• What situations make me feel this way?
• Is there something about how I responded to this person, situation, or conversation that made me go against my conscience?
• If so, how can I learn from that and make a better choice next time?

We all mess up from time to time. The trick is understanding why those mess-ups happen and making an effort to do better next time.

Remembering God’s Forgiveness

When I have felt trapped by an overwhelming sense of guilt, it can sometimes turn into more negative emotions that take a toll on my self-esteem. That’s when I have to stop and remember: God loves me, and his love is unconditional.

When I come to him in prayer about my sins and my struggles and ask Him for help to change my heart and mind, He works in amazing ways. God forgives me, God heals me, and God gives me the courage to admit to others where I’ve gone wrong, and ask their forgiveness, too.

What to Do if You’re Bogged Down by Guilt

Even if you spend time in prayer whenever you feel guilty, and even if you make an effort to understand your guilt, it’s not going to disappear overnight. And depending on how long you’ve let guilt take control, you may feel like you need help getting out from under it.

I understand. In times like that, remember: you are not perfect and you don’t have to be. No one who loves you expects perfection from you. And many times people are more forgiving toward us than we realize or expect.

If the situation that caused your guilty feelings just happened, or caused a lot of hurt to someone, it may take time for them to feel comfortable opening up to you again. But that doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed. Give them time and space to cool off and figure out how to talk about their feelings. In the meantime, try to spend time with other people who can strengthen and encourage you.

Don’t forget to talk about how guilt makes you feel with mentors, your pastor, or anyone you trust. Putting things into words is an important step toward finding the clarity and guidance you need to break free from overwhelming guilt. And you’re never alone in your feelings. There are always people who want to support you, people who know just how you feel and want to provide a listening ear to help you understand and learn from your guilt. We can get through this together!

Is the shame of guilt making you feel worthless? Learn how to silence the shame here.

Has your girlfriend or boyfriend had their heart broken by a previous relationship? If so, you’re likely feeling overwhelmed, and may even be wondering why you have to be the one to pick up the pieces.

It’s never easy to deal with conflict in relationships, but it’s a unique challenge when the conflict happens before you meet your boyfriend or girlfriend. This requires a different approach.

First Step: Listen

I know it’s hard to listen to people talk about a painful experience, especially if they are still healing from their heartbreak. They might cry, they might be angry, or they might show signs of depression or anxiety.

But I’ve learned that patient listening can open a lot of doors to healing in a relationship. Wait until your loved one is completely done talking before you respond, and don’t be afraid to sit in silence with them while you think of some comforting words.

It’s also good to remember that they are probably not expecting you to offer a solution or to jump in and fix things with whoever hurt them. Giving them, someone understanding to talk to and being with them when they’re hurting goes a long way and will do a lot to bring you closer.

Then: Pray

When you know what your girlfriend, boyfriend, or spouse is feeling, and how they are struggling, you can lift those things up in prayer. Even if you don’t know the details, putting their pain before God for Him to heal will always help. If you’re not sure what to say, try reading encouraging verses together: the Bible is full of reminders that God is ready and willing to heal a broken heart.

Now: Support

There is no reason you can’t be in a happy, meaningful relationship with someone who’s had their heart broken before. After all, it’s happened to most people you’ll meet! Supporting your boyfriend or girlfriend in their healing is one of the best ways you can show them you care. Encourage them to reach out to a mentor, a pastor, a prayer partner, or someone else with experience helping people navigate difficult emotions.

If you feel like you need to take action to help, ask them what you can do. If they’re not sure, you can come up with small ways to show your gratitude for them. Or you can help them with little tasks or errands to give them a breather and help them lower their stress level.

But don’t forget you need support, too. It’s sometimes overwhelming to spend a lot of time with someone who is going through something difficult. It’s okay to give yourself breaks, have alone time, or talk about other things. And it’s a good idea to ask for help when you’re not sure what to do or feeling stressed by your partner’s pain.

Remember: you don’t have to solve every problem your boyfriend or girlfriend has. Being faithful, hopeful, and patient goes a long way toward relationship healing. You can get through this together, and we are here to help.

Is your boyfriend or girlfriend struggling with depression? I wrote this blog giving 7 ways to help you support them with their depression.

If you’re concerned about developing an addiction, or have a history of addiction in your family, it’s good to know the warning signs and get the guidance you need. I want to help by sharing some of the things I’ve learned and observed about addiction and recovery.

You Are Not Doomed to Addiction

I’ve talked to a lot of young people who have an addicted parent or close family member. The pain is real. You love them and don’t want to see them hurting. But you have a fear you may not want to admit. Part of you is probably thinking, “I don’t want to end up like that. How can I stop this from happening?”

For many children of addicted parents, it can be easy to feel like addiction is part of your destiny or that you’re doomed to become an addict yourself.

But there’s no reason to be ruled by fear. Knowing the warning signs of addiction and understanding your own tendencies is key to getting the right resources and support.

Understanding Dependence

I know that hearing the word “addiction” may make you think of constant, uncontrollable substance use or negative behavior. But it doesn’t just happen overnight. I’ve realized (and addiction experts agree) that addictive behavior often begins with dependance.

Dependence happens when you depend on a behavior or substance to get through the day, change the way you feel, or do something that feels difficult. It can be emotional or physical.

Emotional dependence is characterized by a strong feeling that you “need” to use a substance or engage in a behavior to feel happier, to be calmer, to do something better, and so on. For example: saying or thinking to yourself, “This week has been terrible. I need a drink.”

Physical dependence is present when your body responds to being deprived of a drug, alcohol, or behavior (such as pornography use or cutting). Your responses may include irritability, headaches, tremors, increased heart rate, rapid breathing, mood swings, or drastic changes in your energy level.

So, which is worse? Well, neither are a healthy way to deal with your challenges or feelings. A dependence is not healthier or “better” than having an addiction, but an addiction can result if a dependance is untreated or ignored.

In short, the difference between dependence and addiction has to do with behavioral change. AddictionCenters explains it this way:
“When people use the term ‘dependence,’ they are usually referring to a physical dependence on a substance. . . Addiction is marked by a change in behavior caused by the biochemical changes in the brain after continued substance abuse.”

While there isn’t a single moment when dependence becomes addiction, the turning point comes if not having access to your addiction causes irrational behavior, or causes you to not care about the consequences that may happen as a result of using. I suggest taking some time alone to be honest with yourself about your feelings.

If you feel like:

• You’re becoming a different person.
• You’re losing control of your actions or emotions.
• You self-medicate with your substance or behavior, using it in place of medical or psychiatric treatment or healthy self-care to feel better or numb the pain.
• You have to use or engage in your addictive behavior in order to feel “normal”.
• You use the substance or engage in the behavior alone, or are starting to plan your day around it.

Then It’s time to get treatment for dependence and make a plan to lower your risk of developing an addiction.

Freedom is Possible

I believe it because I’ve seen it: freedom from addiction or dependence is possible. But it’s not something that happens overnight, or something you can make happen alone.

How can you find freedom?

Prayer and faith: God “gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak” (Isaiah 40:29). It may feel impossible to break free of a dependance or an addiction, but with the power of God in your corner, you can grow by leaps and bounds.
Asking for help: Having someone to talk to makes a big difference when you’re working on changing any deeply-ingrained mindset or behavior. And we can start that conversation right here. TheHopeLine HopeCoaches are here to help you find healing from dependance and addiction. We’re here for you. Reach out to us today!

Practicing Self-Care

Practicing self-care is about nurturing your well-being. Eating well, getting enough rest, and drinking plenty of water are great ways to take care of your body. You also want to be sure you are caring for your emotional and spiritual needs, too. That could mean meeting with a faith community, meditating, or talking with a counselor. No matter what your self-care routine, nurturing yourself is a great choice.

There’s no way I can look at a person and say, “This is where the body ends, and the emotions begin”. That’s because everything is connected. The mind, the brain, the body, and the spirit: they are all a part of you. How you treat one part of you impacts how the others feel. So, it’s no surprise that some studies have shown that what you eat, or drink can have an impact on your mental health.

Healthy Food for a Healthy Mind

Getting hungry? Here’s a list of foods with nutrients that scientists have found improve your cognitive function, energy level, and other factors that can sharpen your mental health.

Nutrient	Found in	Helps With
Omega-3s	Walnuts, olive oil, leafy greens, oily fish	Mood stabilizing, inflammation
Vitamin D	Milk, cheese, orange juice, salmon	Depression symptoms, teeth and bone health
Folate	Leafy green vegetables (like kale and spinach)	Depression risk, prenatal health, eye health/vision

Food and Drink as Self-Care

I know that “healthy eating” does not mean depriving myself of food in order to manipulate or control my body. But how do I strike a balance between saying “no” to some things and still enjoying my favorite foods?

It helps me to think of food as part of my self-care. When it comes to building up, nurturing, and strengthening my body, not all food and drinks are created equal. Some are more nutritious, energizing, and restorative than others— and those are the ones I should focus on. It’s okay for me to treat myself now and then, but moderation is key. I don’t want to have “too much of a good thing”— like loading up on sugar or carbohydrates—only to crash and feel sluggish a short time later.

What I eat is part of my spiritual care, too. The Bible calls my body “a temple” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). God created it for my use and His glory, and He cares about what I put into it. I only get one body. It’s important that I do my best to take good care of it, with God’s help.

A Healthier Relationship with Food and Drink

If you have a history of struggles with food-addictive behaviors (including eating disorders) or have damaged your mind and body with drugs and alcohol, you may feel intimidated by the thought of changing what you eat or drink.

I want to encourage you that no one is ever beyond reach when it comes to grace, healing, and transformation. Working with a doctor or nutritionist can go a long way toward helping you feel more comfortable with what you eat and drink by giving you a “meal plan” that fits exactly what your body needs.

Of course, it’s not enough to switch up behaviors; your mindset has to change, too. But that doesn’t have to be a lonely process. Support is available now from a HopeCoach, email mentor or prayer partner. We are here to talk with you about food, body image, or whatever struggles you feel are impacting your mental health.

You can start healing your mind and your body – and we are here to cheer you on. If you feel worn out and down about life, please read this blog with tips to boost your mental health.  

Fighting with a close friend is sad and upsetting, especially if it seems to come out of nowhere. Unfortunately, I’ve had many relationship challenges, and there have been times when I’ve wondered if my friendships will make it through. The good news is that most of the time, they survived and even grew stronger.

Here’s what helps me get through a tough time in a friendship.

Faith and Prayer

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” — Psalm 51:10
When someone has done something painful, I might not understand the choices they made. And I often feel guilty about my own words and actions that led to our friendship challenges.

In those moments, I have to remember:

• God cares about me and my friend.
• No matter what has happened, God can forgive, heal, and strengthen us both.
• God will work on my heart and help me make the right decisions about how to work things out.
• I will find peace with His help, regardless of outcomes.

Time and Space

It’s normal and natural to feel angry when you’ve been fighting with a friend. Even if you’re best friends, you sometimes need time and space to cool off and figure things out. Don’t feel rushed to talk to your friend.  Wait until you feel more centered before trying to have a difficult conversation.

Honesty and Openness

A lot of times, fights happen because anger builds up over time and isn’t expressed in a healthy way. This happens a lot when we don’t want to hurt the people we love.

Chances are, there is also a misunderstanding or lack of clarity about what went wrong and what can be done to fix it.
If you want to rebuild your friendship, you’ll have to ask some difficult questions:

• Where do you feel like things went wrong?
• How can I do better as your friend?
• How can we “check in” with one another better to avoid unnecessary conflict?
• Do you feel like I am a good listener?
• Do I give you enough space?

Most of the time, I find these kinds of discussions bring me closer to people and help me have stronger friendships across the board.

What if Things Don’t Get Better?

In rare cases, giving things time doesn’t help, and talking things over seems to make things worse, even if you’re calm, cool, and collected.

I’ve found that when people “cut ties” with me, there’s often a lot more going on in their lives than our disagreement. Sometimes, I have to set some healthy boundaries and remind myself that I don’t need to put my emotions in harm’s way. I can move forward and build relationships with people who are more open to connecting with me.

Those moments are painful, but it’s crucial to remember that there are plenty of people who love and care about you, and who are more able to meet your needs.

And as I like to say, there is always hope! Things may get better down the road, or you may meet a new friend whose strengths and quirks are a perfect complement to yours.

Whatever you’re going through in your friendships, we are here to help. You can search TheHopeLine resources for ebooks, podcasts and blogs about relationships, or get help with your friendships from a HopeCoach via chat or sign up for an email. We care about you and want to help however we can.

Looking for more ways to mend your friendship? Read my blog, When Your Best Friend Is Mad At You. 

LUST

As summer approaches, (if you are a man especially) so do the visual distractions. Bikinis, short shorts, and miniskirts, the list goes on. Consequently, when you have all these things around you begging for your attention, it’s hard not to notice. And when you do (inevitably), the questions start to mount.

Can I look at that?
Should I look at that?
Should I feel bad I’m looking?
And if I am looking, am I now lusting?

Which then begs the question, is looking the same as lusting?

You’d think that the answer to that question would be pretty obvious, but I believe more often than not, people get confused when it comes to these two topics (especially Christian people).

Here’s the thing:

You can lust after anything, not just the opposite sex

You can lust after money.
You can lust after a car.
You can lust after power.
And the list goes on.
The word lust simply means having a passionate or overmastering desire or craving for something. It’s just that, in our culture, we generally connect lust with “sexual lust.”

Looking, however, is a bit different

I can look at something without having a strong desire for it.
I can even admire something (like a car) without lusting after it.

But because sexual matters are so sensitive, we often have a hard time trying to distinguish the difference between looking and lusting when it comes to those we’re attracted to. Your spouse probably would have no problem with you saying, “Hey, that new sports car our neighbor got is pretty great-looking.” However, try saying that same thing about your neighbor’s spouse. Wow! It’s off to couch city for the next few nights. But the truth is, looking and lusting are entirely different. The reason we have a hard time recognizing this fact is either because of “religious guilt” or insecurity.

So, for those of you who are constantly asking yourselves, “Am I looking or lusting?” here are 3 ways you can tell:

1. You just can’t look enough

Hey, she’s good-looking. I get it. You didn’t ask to see her; she just ended up crossing your path today. Looking at her and noticing that fact is not wrong. And it’s not lust. But how many times do you need to go back to the well for a drink? Chances are if your head keeps turning like it’s on a swivel, you’re doing more than just “looking.” You are looking for a reason. And often that reason is lust. You like what you see, and you want to see more because there is some strong desire there.

2. You are “coveting” what you see

Take my earlier example of the neighbor with the “new” good-looking spouse. Whether you end up on the couch or not, the truth is, you are not lusting after your neighbor’s spouse simply because you acknowledged that they have some visual appeal. However, if you follow up your look and unwelcomed observation with the thought, “Boy, I wouldn’t mind if that person was my spouse,” then there is a problem. You now have crossed the line. You are coveting. Coveting is an older term we find in the Bible a lot but basically means “to have a strong desire for.” So, in this case, since your “strong desire” is for someone other than the person you’re committed to, then it’s safe to say you’ve wandered into the lust territory.

3. It makes your “special areas” all warm and tingly.…and you want more

Now, I know I may catch some heat for this one, but the truth is men are wired very differently than women and respond accordingly. While women visually process things, men are far more visual, and our biological responses to what we see are practically hard-wired. If a man sees a woman who’s very attractive (and especially dressed in a provocative nature), he is going to feel some sort of primal response. In other words, his brain is going to let him know it likes what it sees. Not much we can do about that.

However, it doesn’t have to go any further than that. There are ways to keep that look from drifting into the lust arena (I wrote a post on that HERE).

But, say you feel all warm and fuzzy and decide to let that look linger because you want more of that feeling. Or, after you are done looking, you keep recalling in your mind what you just witnessed and how great it made you feel. Well, now you officially crossed over into the lust area. You see, the first situation is a physical and biochemical response. But the continuation is an intentional decision to elicit sexual pleasure from what you’ve seen. And if what you’ve seen is not your spouse, then it’s time to have a talk with that accountability partner of yours. Hey, I understand. This topic is a little sensitive. Especially if you are talking about it with your spouse.

But don’t confuse looking with lusting

Don’t let religious guilt or insecurities lead you to self-imposed and needless shame. But at the same time recognize that looking can lead to lusting very quickly if left unchecked. 

So be aware.
Be intentional.
Be accountable.
And seriously, be honest enough to talk about this stuff.

Are you struggling with an addiction to pornography, read 7 Steps Towards a Porn-Free Life.