I remember many years ago, reading an article about condoms. There was a big debate at the time as to whether condoms would slow down the sexual revolution and really have sex safer. There was a quote from a Catholic priest which I'll never forget. He said, "I'll believe in condoms when they come up with a condom for the heart."

We live in a time when condoms are thrown out into the crowd, telling you if you're going to have sex you simply have to protect yourself. But I have yet to find a condom for the heart. When I say heart, I'm talking about your deepest emotions, the way you look at yourself, and how you feel about the one you love.

No Protection for Regret and Broken Hearts?

I have talked to hundreds of people who cannot erase the regret and pain that has been brought on by having sex with their boyfriend, girlfriend or even a stranger. This is a pain that no condom can ever protect you from.

• Ride a roller-coaster or go on a trip if you need thrill and excitement. [Lovers] come and go, but babies, STDs, and regret stay.

Everybody is looking for someone who will love them unconditionally. Sex alone will not fill that void. In fact, casual sex will just leave you empty, but wanting more, making the ache deeper and deeper. Julianne says it really well: Why have sex over a feeling that can come and then go. Sure, sex is fun and a thrill, but the heartache and worries are NOT WORTH IT!! Ride a roller-coaster or go on a trip if you need thrill and excitement. [Lovers] come and go, but babies, STDs, and regret stay.

No Protection for Being Used

Condoms can't protect you from confusing love for lust. Lucy commented about having sex for the first time at age 13, and the attachment she automatically felt for the guy. She said: When this happened, it was the biggest mistake of my life. I lost something I will never be able to get back. I was so madly in love with this guy, had such low confidence, and was willing to do anything to keep this guy in my life. Having sex was what he wanted, and all he wanted. We did not use a condom, and surprisingly, it was not my biggest regret. I was used, and then dropped. I am still not able to get over this guy. We don't talk anymore. He hates me. Sadly, I'd still do anything to be close with him again. I wasn't ready and now I'm so emotionally attached.

Tragically, Lucy still does not understand she is set up for more hurt if she goes back to this guy. Because, like all of us, she has not found a condom for her heart. She is playing with emotional unprotected sex.

Anthony admits that guys don't have a condom for their heart either: Me and my girlfriend were going out for about a year and a half when we had sex for the first time. Every time after that all she wanted was sex. I didn't want to but I thought I loved her so I gave in. When she thought she was pregnant, things went downhill. Good thing for us she wasn't. When we broke up she thought that I was using her for sex when I never really wanted to.

Condoms also cannot prevent you from feeling cheap. Mandi shares how she carries a lot of the heaviness and shame that came from having sex: I dated a guy who told me he loved me, and how wonderful things would be. He forced me to have sex and then broke up with me. I felt so ashamed for going out with him and didn't understand how he could do that. I felt like it was all my fault. My self-respect was lost. I felt like no guy would ever really love me.

No Protection for a Ruined Reputation

Condoms don't protect your reputation. When Tiffany was 16, she had already had sex with ten different guys. She painfully explains her situation: After the third guy I was really wanting to kill myself because all the guys in my town were calling me the town ho, but I just wanted to get pregnant so someone would love me. Well, I did get pregnant. But after the guy found out he beat me up, and, like he was trying to do, I had a miscarriage.

Too bad Tiffany didn't have a condom to protect her reputation, but there's no such thing.

No Heart Protection

All of these stories prove a point. Condoms only do what are they are designed to do and that is to help with birth control and protect from STDs. Sometimes they fail even doing that. But they are not designed to protect your heart from being broken with irresponsible and uncommitted sex. Until you find a partner who will stay committed to you for the rest of your life, you will always experience the pain and regret of a heart without a condom.

Please leave a comment if you have a similar story that can help others make wise choices. 

Cutting is an addiction that is hard to overcome. There is nothing quite like it. Most cutters would say they don't want to kill themselves, they just like the sight of their blood, and the high it brings. Andi said she's been cutting for a year and a half, even though she doesn't remember why she started:

Hours locked in the bathroom at home, or on the floor of a dirty bathroom stall, the cutter carries her precious tools with her wherever she goes ready at any time to take matters into her own hands. To relieve the emotional pressure and pain she can't describe, she resorts to slicing into her own skin. The dripping blood reminds her she's still alive. No one to talk to, she settles for self-injury. The blade is her fake friend. The shame and the scars, her constant companions. Just trying to find her way through the rocky road of life, she can't help but turn inward.  I don't want to be anything but compassionate toward someone caught in the struggle of cutting. But I also want to expose the destructive consequences of cutting.

Paralyzing, Emotional Pain

No one cuts to end up paralyzed in her own emotional pain. But somewhere down the road, that's where she finds herself.

Someone wrote and told me that after the high of cutting wears off, you are left with even more pain. "I quit the cutting because someone once told me the truth, that you only forget about your emotional pain for a moment. It's like a drug you come down from it and you feel much worse than you did before because you have to deal with the emotional pain that comes from cutting on top of whatever emotional pain you were already feeling."

Dara said she cut for two years, but still carries the weight of the emotional pain with her. "A couple of minutes of relief are not worth the months of hiding and uncomfortable situations when people find out."

People who begin cutting are convinced their self-medication works. It is a shattering experience to find out later on, not only does it not work, but it is extremely emotionally destructive.

A Body Full of Scars

One has to wonder how many countless hours and strategic ways cutters use to hide their physical scars...permanent reminders of their tragic mistakes. Eddie started cutting when he was twelve. "I thought it was for me to take all my anger and frustrations out on myself, but I noticed the scars it leaves will always remind me of my mistakes."

Sidney is 14 and has been cutting since she was nine. "Those scars are there forever and every time I see them, I'm going to be so sad about why I [cut]." 

Not only are you left with scars for the rest of your life, but it's also very possible to get infections from cutting with something that is dirty or not sterile. It is also extremely possible to misjudge the depth of a cut, actually requiring stitches or even hospitalization. You can pass out or even bleed to death. You don't want to die, I'm sure of that. Let's face it, cutting is a scar-giving enemy, who will constantly remind you of a dark past no one would want to repeat or remember.

A Sick Web of Addiction

Most cutters never intend to become addicted to it. Liz said, for her, cutting was worse than drugs because she wanted to do it all the time. You don't care where you are...it's almost like you can't go on without it.

Cutting can easily become a compulsive behavior, meaning the more you do it, the more you feel the need to do it. Your brain starts to connect the false sense of relief with cutting. The next time you feel the pressure building, your brain craves this relief.

The urge to cut can seem too hard to resist. Your attempt to feel a sense of control over your life has ended up controlling you.

JS commented about how all through high school she would try to stop, but then would go back to it shortly after. "Then I would feel horrible when I finished cutting. The highs weren't lasting as long and the crash was even worse. So, I began cutting more, deeper, and more frequently. Being very interested in psychology I knew the chemical reasons, but I was already hooked and couldn't stop."

You know I care about you very much...enough to tell you the truth. But let's get down to it. If you are a cutter, it's time for you step back and take a good look at what you're doing to yourself. It's time to tell yourself the truth. It's also time to figure out how to resist your urge to cut.

Are you addicted to cutting?

• Does the cutting actually help you deal with the emotional pain you're going through, or does it just cover it up?
• Do you feel more worthless the more scars you see on your body?
• Are your friends worried about your cutting?
• Do you spend large amounts of time trying to hide your cutting?
• Have you told yourself you want to quit, but can't?

If the answer is yes to any of these questions, you or someone you know, needs to read, How to Quit Cutting for Good.  It could be a life-changer.

For help with cutting and information about our partner that specializes in self-harm recovery read: 5 Things to Know About Door of Hope

Emotional Stuffing, Misplaced Anger, and Rage

In This Episode:

I’m glad you are listening to this podcast dealing with anger. Everybody struggles with it: you, me and the guy down the street. That’s why God speaks about it so much in the Bible. I had a chance to talk with 3 people: Evie, Donald and Matthew about their anger. I think you will be moved by their honesty but also the serious traps they could fall into if they don’t deal with it.

Built Up Resentments

Evie’s mom is a quadriplegic from a car accident that happened when Evie was 4 years old. Evie hasn’t had much of a childhood and has a lot of built-up resentments. Evie’s been forced to take care of her mom practically her whole life and is constantly reminded of her very difficult predicament. She feels alone and isolated. She feels her situation is keeping her in bondage, with no freedom in sight.  So, to make up for the pain and her sense of powerlessness, she’s turned to anger. Her plan has been to take her anger out on herself and others. That’s called misplaced anger. But that does not work. It fails her every time and leaves her sad and even more frustrated.

Find the Positive to Deal

Evie, however, is doing some positive things to help her cope. She writes music, poetry and spends time in nature. She’s trying to deal with her issues in a healthy way but in the end, her coping mechanisms are not enough. She needs to understand what she’s going through from a whole different perspective.

King David suffered from many heartaches, like abandonment, loneliness and other deep emotional issues. Yet, he kept his faith in God. David let God help him change the way he viewed his life. David was able to turn from feeling sad to glad by praising God for what He had done. David said in Palms 40:3, “He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the LORD.”

There is no way Evie can get over her anger without God. She needs something miraculous to happen. With God’s help, she can transform the way she looks at her life. She can turn from anger and resentment to praise and hope.

Taking Anger Out on Everybody Else

Donald is having anger problems. His friends can be joking, and he can get angry one minute and then be happy the next. Donald said, “When my temper flares up, I lose what I’m doing and start taking my anger out on everybody else.” I encouraged Donald to visit a doctor to see if he needs medication. Seeking professional opinions can help and it doesn’t mean we are a failure. Seeing a psychiatrist is not a death sentence. They have been able to help millions of people get relief.

Part of the reason, Donald is struggling is because he’s an emotional stuffer. Instead of releasing how he feels in a positive way, he buries them. Therefore, the emotions have no place to go. Stuffing them can cause him to carry around emotional explosives which can be triggered by just about anything.

Find a Trusted Person to Talk to

Donald needs to find ways to express his feelings in a positive way. One way is to talk out how he’s feeling and not just act like everything is okay. He needs to find someone…a friend, a minister, a counselor, a trusted family member to talk things out. He also needs to discuss issues he has with others as they happen and not wait until he can’t handle the emotions anymore. For example, if someone close to him hurts him, he needs to go to them and discuss how he’s feeling instead of ignoring it.

The Bible tells us to not let the sun go down on our anger. We need to quickly stop from being angry so that we don’t let anger control our lives. As you read the Bible, you will find strength and encouragement and it can be a powerful outlet to your deep emotions. The Bible has a lot to say about anger and the emotions that feed it. King David wrote, “Refrain from anger and abandon wrath; do not fret--it can only bring harm.” Psalm 37:8

Remember God wants to turn our anger and fretting into peace and love! The choice is ours!

Afraid to Get Out of Control

Matthew gets irritated and frustrated over little things. He says in the past, he’s gotten out of control and he’s afraid he might be getting to that point again. For example, wanting to throw the coffee table across the room.

Matthew has developed good insights into himself. He can see he has used anger to make up for the powerlessness he feels. Anger has become his protector but has its disastrous results. He wants to stop his anger from getting out of control. He understood what I was saying, “If you don’t do something about it, it will do something about you.” Anger is like a bad habit; it just grows and grows until disaster strikes.

Find a Place to Get Help

Part of his problem is he doesn’t know where to go to get help. He will have to be proactive to find the help he needs. He needs counseling which can help him discover the roots of his anger. He needs a whole support team around him to help him when he feels that rage. Church can be a great place to find help and a support team. He’ll have to be persistent to find a church which will help him. He needs to know; God will help him in getting down the road to freedom from anger and rage.

The Bible says, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.” Ephesians 4:31

Did Today’s Episode Get You Thinking?

Perhaps, this episode has caused you to examine your own anger. If that is true, may I suggest a simple prayer that could change your anger problems in amazing ways.

Dear God, I submit myself to you. I don’t want to be an angry person. Help me so I don’t let the sun go down on my anger. I want peace and calm in place of anger. Help me to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. I trust you to help me with this issue in my life. Thank you that you are going to change me into a whole new person as I seek and obey you! Amen.

May God give you the courage and love that we all need to face anger and other hurtful emotions. It can be a long journey but one we must take. God bless you!

Resources for help with ANGER:

• Check out my blogs: What is Anger?, Why Do We Get Angry?, How to Manage Your Anger, and Using Your Anger for Good!
• Check out these stories of hope from people who have struggled with anger: I Feel 100x Lighter, and My Night Started with Cutting.
• If you are dealing with anger, you might have someone in your life you need to forgive. Here’s some resources for just that: Blogs: What is Forgiveness?, How to Forgive, and our eBook: Understanding Forgiveness.
• Looking for a counselor? Our partner, Focus on the Family, offers a free one-time consultation for Christian counseling services.
• Need to talk about anger? Sign up for an Email Mentor, an online coach who will email you and come along beside you to offer support.
• Need prayer? I believe God wants to change your life and mine, through prayer. If you need prayer and would like to have someone pray for you, go to the TheHopeLine prayer and check it out.

Would you consider doing something for me?

If you like this episode and think someone else might too, please share it on Facebook and Twitter.

One last thing,

My podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now at our Give Now page.

Join me for my next episode on loneliness. Feeling alone can be overwhelming. It can lead to a lot of other issues, such as, depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and even thoughts of suicide. If you’ve been feeling lonely, know it’s not God’s plan for your life. He wants us to have friends and to love each other as He loves us. In this episode, I talk about loneliness with Amy, Tim, and Rebecca. We’ll talk about what keeps them from having meaningful relationships and how they can find and build friendships.

Remember, whatever you do, Never Lose Hope!
Dawson
 

Questions to Ask Before Starting to Date

In This Episode:

Even before you begin to date, there are some questions you need to ask yourself and then answer which could save you from a lot of pain, heartache and relationship disasters. In this episode, I talk with Dustin about his unrealistic expectations with dating. Then I talk with Blake, who jumped into dating and a physical relationship way too quickly. Lastly, Jessica and I have a conversation about her dating over 150 guys in one year and how she’s needs to ask herself, “Have I become obsessive and out of control in my search to find the right one?”

Unrealistic Expectations

Dustin met a girl on a dating website. Dustin soon realized he has too much going on to date a girl who lives 2 hours away. Plus, he’s not attracted to her but he’s still dating her.

In my conversation with Dustin, it became clear he had unrealistic expectations about what dating could do for him.

• Dustin should have asked himself am I genuinely attracted to this girl or am I settling for less, just so I can be in a relationship?

If you are dating and realize this person is not the one you want to keep dating then don’t drag it out. Sometimes we attempt to keep the relationship going when we should have ended it. Dustin went into the relationship with high expectations, even though she didn’t meet them, he kept dating her anyway. What a mistake! Dustin is settling for a girl he’s not attracted to, just to be in a relationship.

• Dustin should also have asked himself, “Do I have enough time and emotional energy to give to the relationship?”

Dustin isn’t in a good place to start a relationship. Why is he even looking for someone right now? He has too much on his plate already. It should be a clue he’s not ready to seriously date. Successful dating relationships take time and can’t be pushed, manipulated, or made into something it’s not. Dustin was trying to force a relationship with her even though she wasn’t the right girl and it wasn’t the right time.

• Dustin should have asked himself a very direct question: “Am I looking to this girl to make me feel complete?”

Spiritual and Emotional Completeness

No woman is going to make Dustin feel whole for very long. A true spiritual and emotional completeness comes only from a deep relationship with Jesus Christ. His love never fails us. His wisdom is beyond our wildest imagination. His plans for us are always the best. King David, a great king in the Bible said, “Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you your heart’s desires. Commit everything you do to the LORD. Trust him, and he will help you.” Psalm 7: 4-5

God knows our desires and knows what we need, who else can helps us like God? We are easily fooled but God is never. If we seek Him with all of our heart, all our other desires will take care of themselves.

Jumped into Dating Way Too Quickly

Blake and his girlfriend jumped into dating way too quickly. It became physical even though neither of them intended it to be.

• Blake should have asked himself, “Is this relationship spinning out of control?”

Don’t let the powerful feelings of false intimacy, stirred up by the misuse of sex, fool you into thinking you have an awesome relationship. In reality, you don’t! It’s just a matter of time until the whole thing will fall apart. That’s what happened to Blake.

They weren’t even friends and didn’t know how to fix it. Sex was a cloud over their relationship that kept it from growing and led it to be out of control. Don’t let that happen to you!

Epitome of a Relationship Disaster

Jessica blew my mind. Here is a young woman who has dated over 150 guys in one year. She said she’s the epitome of a relationship disaster.

• Jessica needed to ask herself, “Have I become obsessive and out of control in my search to find the right one?”

She has developed a full-blown addiction to guys. She keeps going with a different guy nearly every night but it doesn’t work. She always comes up empty and yet craving for more. She’s turned guys into a god. There’s no way these guys could ever meet her needs. She’s looking to them to do for her what only God can do.

Carousel of Heartbreak

Don’t ever let someone you are dating turn into a god. Only God can be God. Only God can fill your emptiness. One could date a million guys, still come up empty and still trapped on a carousel of heartbreak. Only Jesus Christ can rescue Jessica from the blinding, cruel carousel. The last thing she needs to do is go after one more guy. She needs a whole new personal healing. She needs to put first things first and get her life out of reverse. Jesus said, “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Matthew 6:33

Did Today’s Episode Get You Thinking?

My hope is you will continually ask yourself important questions and be honest with the answers. Be very careful before starting to date because you could end up with scars God never intended you to have. With God’s help, you can develop a healthy, happy dating experience and that is my hope for you.

Resources for Relationships:

• Check out my eBooks: Understanding Dating, Getting Over a Broken Heart, Relationship Advice for Girls, and Relationship Advice for Guys.
• Check out my blogs: 8 Signs Your Dating Relationship is Unhealthy, Stop the Heartache – 4 Things to Avoid, and It Felt So Right.

• Check out these stories of hope from people who have struggled in their relationship: Relationship Issues, and My Relationship, Depression and Then Hope
• Need to talk about your issues? Sign up for an Email Mentor, an online coach who will email you and come along beside you to offer support.
• Need prayer? I believe God wants to change your life and mine, through prayer. If you need prayer and would like to have someone pray for you, go to the TheHopeLine Prayer page and check it out.

Would you consider doing something for me?

If you like this episode and think someone else might too, please share it on Facebook and Twitter.

One last thing,

My podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now at our Give Now page.

Join me for my next episode on how to deal with anger. Everybody struggles with it, you, me and the guy down the street and that’s why God speaks about it so much in the Bible. I had a chance to talk with 3 people: Evie, Donald and Matthew about their anger. I think you will be moved by their honesty but also the serious traps they could fall into if they don’t deal with it.

Remember, whatever you do, Never Lose Hope!

Above All Else, Guard Your Heart...

In this episode:

Do you have a relationship sucking the life and energy from you? Maybe you don’t even realize your relationship is dragging you down. If it’s poisoning your self-esteem and happiness then chances are it’s extremely toxic, which means…time to get out! In this episode, I talk with Ashely about all the toxic, hurtful things her messed up boyfriend does to her. Then I talk with Kelsea, who’s boyfriend is sucking the life out of her causing her to be confused and miserable. Lastly, I talk with Jess. He and his girlfriend keep going back to the destructive parts of their relationship causing confusion, hurt and chaos in their relationship.

Hurt Repeatedly

Ashley’s messed up boyfriend has hurt her repeatedly. He’s done many terrible things, including:

• Bringing way too much drama to the relationship
• Stolen money from Ashley
• Left her all alone
• Lied to her countless times
• Doesn’t take responsibility for his children
• Repeatedly breaks his promises

He’s also a player, a user, an abuser and is a guy lacking a conscience. As you can tell, there is no question, Ashley is in a toxic relationship. The longer she stays in it, the more difficult it will be for her to end it.

The good news is Ashley has friends who will support her. She’s not alone. God is with her to help her do what she must do. As scary as it is, Ashley should have a restraining order put on him, and break off all contact, even if it means she must move away.

But as long as she gives him hope, he’ll hang around, trying all of his tricks again and again. Ashley needs to cut off all ties with him, no matter what.

Confused and Miserable

Kelsea’s been dating a guy for 2 years. He’s caused Kelsea to be confused and miserable because:

• He like many other toxic people have trust issues.
• He is talking to another girl. He even goes to this girl’s apartment alone. He’s told this other girl he has feelings for her and sends her inappropriate texts and pictures.
• He lies to Kelsea repeatedly.
• He brings a lot of terrible drama to her life. She finds herself sitting in the counselor’s office at school, crying her eyes out.

It’s all so sad! Kelsea’s boyfriend is toxic and he’s sucking the life right out of her, causing her to be miserable, and confused. So, even though Kelsea is beginning to recognize the cruel things he has done to her, she feels he still loves her. Why would she believe that? No one else does. Everybody else knows he’s a loser but she keeps telling herself lies about him. She fears if she ever faces the truth, she will have to leave him and to her that would be the ultimate heartbreak. She would rather have a crushing, toxic relationship than no relationship at all.

It Takes Courage to Leave a Toxic Relationship

Sometimes when people are single, they feel like they’ve failed. But really, they are just without a boyfriend or girlfriend at the time. It’s not forever. They tie their self-worth to if they have a relationship with someone. Their whole self-esteem cries out, “Better to be in a toxic relationship than be single.” That, of course, is a lie.

It takes far more courage to leave a toxic relationship and be single and healthy than to stay in the toxic relationship. There will always be people to date, but the question is, who is this person? Am I growing when I’m with them? Am I just going to plow into another relationship unprotected and clamoring to meet needs the other person can’t meet?

Mixed Signals and Obsession

Jess and his girlfriend have drama and chaos in their relationship. They are sleeping together causing confusion and hurt. They find themselves going back to the destructive part of their relationship.

His girlfriend’s hurting him by acting like she loves him again and then breaks it off. This is not healthy. There’s too much confusion with her mixed signals and his obsession to be with her. Their relationship is toxic.

If you don’t break off a toxic relationship, you are feeding it, making matters worse.  Toxic relationships never die on their own.

Someone has to put an end to the whole thing and that’s never easy. But in the future, you’ll be able to look back and say why did it take so long for me to end it?

Did Today’s Episode Get You Thinking?

The Bible commands we are to guard our hearts, but few people really do. Most don’t stop to ask the hard questions or show a willingness to even consider who the other person is, or whether or not they bring toxicity with them. People will always pay a price when they jump into a relationship without first committing to guard their heart.

The Bible in Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” God says for us to guard our hearts above all things. That means YOU need to guard your own heart, no one else will do it for you.

If you are in a toxic relationship, it’s not too late for you to start to guard your heart. It’s time to break off ties with someone who is only bringing you pain and heartache. Then ask God to heal your brokenness and commit to guarding your heart. Ask God for wisdom to do all of this. as Jesus said, “Be wise as serpents and harmless as doves.” Matthew 10:16.

Resources for Identifying a Toxic Relationship:

• Check out my eBook: Understanding Dating.
• Check out my blogs: The Toxic Poison of Jealousy, How to Know It’s Really Love, How to Spot a Toxic Friend, What All Relationships Need to Survive, and How to Handle Mixed Signals.
• Check out these stories of hope from people who have struggled in their relationship: Relationship Issues, and My Relationship, Depression and Then Hope
• Need to talk about your issues? Sign up for an Email Mentor, an online coach who will email you and come along beside you to offer support.
• Need prayer? I believe God wants to change your life and mine, through prayer. If you need prayer and would like to have someone pray for you, go to the ThePrayerZone.com and check it out.

Would you consider doing something for me?

If you like this episode and think someone else might too, please share it on Facebook and Twitter.

One last thing,

My podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now at our Give Now page.

Remember, whatever you do, Never Lose Hope!
Dawson

In my blog, "How to Quit Cutting for Good", I talked about 3 alternative coping strategies for self-harm: Talk it out, wake up to your actual feelings, and seek God. 

Once you decide you're committed to stop cutting, you will find out what a struggle it is to go sober and stay free from this horrible addiction.  Even as you are beginning to recover, you still will feel the cravings to cut again. You are going to need to be prepared to know how to deal with those powerful urges. Here are some practical ideas to help you or someone you know be set free.

Stop feeding the cutting monster - wait it out

Every urge you have to cut will go away in time, but only if you don't act on it. Each time you act on your urge to cut, you're making that urge stronger kind of like feeding a monster. Each time you feed the addiction, the more likely you will feel the urge to cut the next time you feel the same emotional pressure. The more you stand against the urge, without giving in, the more your urges will decrease.

Distract yourself from the desire to cut

One of the best ways to stop cutting is by distracting yourself with someone or something else. This will allow the moment to pass when you're feeling the deep cravings to cut and get your mind off of it. It's impossible for your mind to think about two things at the exact same time. Here are some ideas on how to do this.

1. Call a friend or meet them in person. Talk about what's comfortable for you. The key is to keep talking.
2. Take a shower. This will help invigorate your body so physically it too is distracted. (Make sure there are no razors in the shower).
3. Exercise Walk, run, ride your bike, climb, swim, do yoga, etc. While you are exercising, your mind is more likely to think about something other than cutting.
4. Play with a pet. Take your dog for a walk.
5. Watch television or a non-violent, healthy movie.
6. Make yourself a sandwich, drink a glass of water or a cup of hot chocolate.
7. Listen to positive music. It will definitely help to change your mood.
8. Write in your journal. Learn to express your feelings through writing.
9. Create art or some kind of creative hobby.
10. Volunteer somewhere like a nursing home, or a hospital. In fact, getting a job will help as well. Some people cut out of sheer boredom.

Natalia put it this way: I still fight the urges, but the way I deal with it is by writing in my journal or talking to my best friend and boyfriend who are currently helping me through this.

The point is: Find something else to do. If none of these ideas are possible at the moment, try finding a substitute for the cutting sensation.

1. Rub an ice cube on your skin, instead of cutting.
2. Wear a rubber band on your wrist and snap it when you feel the urge.
3. Draw on your skin with a red marker or food coloring in the place you would normally cut.
4. Put temporary tattoos in the places you have the urge to cut.

Angel said rubber bands have helped her. I've learned that snapping them against your wrist takes away a little bit of the amount to want to cut yourself. Ali said the key for her was she needed something physical to feel like she was still alive, that she was OK. So, I mark a little pink heart on my calendar for every day I don't cut...and believe it or not it helps. Help is possible and stopping is realistic.

Tell your story

The biggest problem with a cutting addiction is it forces you to focus on how YOU are feeling.  Stop thinking about yourself so much and focus on other cutters who need your help.  The more you can reach out to others, encouraging them to find better ways to express their feelings, the better you will be able to resist your own urges. Courtney said: I'm proud to be able to tell people my story of overcoming my self-destructive behavior. Every day is a struggle, but I always choose to find hope in the darkest situations and fight the urge.

Think About your Future without Cutting and Self-Harm

You have an incredible life ahead of you, filled with many, many years of potential joy and time with people you love, and who love you as well. Think about what you'd like your life to look like in 5, 10, 15 years, and start taking steps to move forward in that direction.

Abby is 25, and she sees hope in her future: If I don't stop cutting, then a lot of the things I want aren't going to work out the way I dream they will.

Cyndal said: I thought about when I have children, and they see the cuts and scars on my arms, and they ask me, 'Mommy what are those booboos on your arms?' That really made me think, 'WOW, what would I tell my children?' And it made me cry for a really long time"

I want to encourage you to be strong like Amanda. She said: It's a challenge every day, but I am fighting to not cut, because I know that my life can be really awesome, and cutting does not fit into that picture. When you feel your emotions building up, remember you now have alternatives to self-harm. Get self-help by talking to someone who cares.

Be strong. There is tremendous hope for you!

LIFE.

It can be really, stinkin’ hard sometimes, right?

When your situation gets really tough…

You just can’t find happiness anymore…

Everything seems to be going against you…

What keeps you from just giving up when everything feels hopeless?

HOPE.

Have you ever wondered, "How Can I Find Hope?"

Hope keeps you hanging on because it allows you to believe that:

• Things will get better.
• You have a purpose to fulfill.
• There is a plan for your life.
• You are cared for

But we would like to suggest that people are losing hope at alarming rates.

TheHopeLine which has been around for over 30 years, has seen trends.  While relationship issues with friends, dating, and parents used to be the number one thing people wanted to talk about…now it is self-worth issues, suicide, and depression.

The Centers for Disease Control recently reported that suicide rates have increased after a two-year decline in 2019 and 2020. The number of suicides in 2021 is still lower than the all-time high of 48,344 in 2018, however, national suicide rates are on the rise again. That suggests that hopelessness, depression, and suicidal thoughts could be coming together to cause big mental health challenges.

5 Reasons for Losing Hope

In my many conversations with teenagers and young adults, I hear variations of these five reasons over and over. I believe these statements capture some of the leading causes of hopelessness:

1. They have no experience receiving unconditional love which causes feelings of worthlessness.
2. Their identities are tied to changing circumstances and not a secure source, so they don't know who they are.
3. Life is meaningless. They can't find a purpose.
4. Intense feelings of being alone, rejected, abandoned…no one cares.
5. Inability to find anything to look forward to.

What Causes People to Feel so Lost?

Let’s consider the prevailing way people view the world in this moment. It’s often referred to as the postmodern worldview.
Perhaps this worldview can best be summarized with, “You do you."

In some ways – I appreciate this saying – it allows people to be accepted for who they are without being judged harshly. “Be yourself.” There’s nothing wrong with that.

But on a deeper level, the message is, “You can believe whatever makes the most sense to you based on your life circumstances. There is no one truth.  It’s all relative to your experiences.”

While this may sound good on the surface, the reality is it leaves a lot of people in a state of chaos.

Because what is true anymore and, well, what does work best for you?

When we are unstable without something solid to hold onto, we start to lose our sense of self, our sense of purpose, our sense HOPE.

How to Find Hope, where do you start?

There are over 4,200 belief systems in the world today.

If any of them can be true…where do you start?

As you search for your own truth, you realize you are completely untethered. There is nothing to anchor yourself to.  Especially if what you believe depends upon your circumstances because circumstances change. People in your life change.  Everything is constantly moving.  So, if you are tying your identity and your belief system to your circumstances (even if that belief system is that you don’t believe in anything), what happens when your circumstances change?

You once again feel lost. Untethered.

So, let me ask you a question that the postmodern worldview would appreciate…

How’s life working for YOU right now? How is what you believe or don’t believe working for you? Is it giving you hope? Do you feel secure? Is it helping you feel loved and cherished?

What Give Us Hope?

To match the 5 reasons people are losing hope that I mentioned above, I believe we have hope when:

1. We feel loved and valued.

2. We know who we are without a doubt.

3. Our purpose is clear.

4. We don’t feel abandoned.

5. Our future is bright.

How can we have this security?

Only one thing has consistently provided all of these things for me and that is my Christian faith. I am not talking about religion, but about my relationship with Jesus and my faith in Him.

Now you may decide to stop reading at this point. You may think that I am failing to give you practical advice. To which I say two things:

1. My practical advice for HOPE is to find unconditional love, a secure identity, a purpose, a community and a confident knowledge that your future is secure.

2. The only way I know how to find these things is through my faith. So, I ask you, what kind of person would I be if I have found HOPE and I believe it is the ONE TRUTH that is UNCHANGING, and then I chose NOT to share it with you, would I be showing my genuine care and concern for you?  If I kept this to myself when I believe it is the answer, would that be right?

So, I hope you will keep reading because I really do genuinely care. If you are feeling hopeless, what do you have to lose?

I am going to briefly share how my faith has provided the above 5 things for me and how it gives me HOPE. For further detail, I hope you will download our free eBook, Understanding Hope.

You Are Loved

My faith gives me the hope that I am loved by God. Always and forever. And so are you.

Even when you mess up. God loves you. And He loves you unconditionally. His love for YOU knows no limits or boundaries. It's limitless.

He created you and wants a relationship with you. The God of the universe thinks about you personally and wants the best for you. ALWAYS.

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me! (Psalm 139:17-18)

And when bad things happen, that is not what He wants. He still loves you.

In this sinful world, people are going to fail you. Even those who are supposed to love you unconditionally, they are going to let you down sometimes. They aren’t perfect.  And if every time a person fails you, you in turn start to wonder if you are worthy of love. You will lose hope.

That is why knowing you are loved by God is an anchor of hope! You are loved no matter what!

You Have Worth

Do you find yourself tying your identity and your worth to:

What you achieve · What you look like · Who approves of you · Mistakes of your past

As a Christian, your worth and your identity are no longer defined by what the world says about you but rather by who God says you are.

In the Bible He says you are:  Chosen ·Accepted ·Treasured ·Beautiful  ·Protected ·Able ·Complete ·Known· Overcomer ·Masterpiece ·Rescued ·Held

Once you believe in the God of the Bible, these promises are yours to claim.

There is such hope in knowing that nothing can change who God says you are. Your identity is secure.

You have a Purpose

The whole idea that life is a vapid hole without meaning goes away when you are a Christian.

God designed you uniquely and created you in His image. He wouldn’t waste his time if you had no reason for existing.

God created you because he wants to have a relationship with you. He wants to love you, and in return, be loved by you. He is a personal God. We are here to praise Him for how great He is! To live lives that honor and glorify our Holy creator.

One way we honor and glorify God is to love others and that is our other purpose. In the Bible, God tells us that the most important things for us to do are to love God with all our hearts and love the people around us just as much as we love ourselves.

Your purpose then is to:  Love God … Love yourself … Love others
Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’  This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ (Matt 22:36-39)

You are Not Alone

God promises to NEVER abandon his children.

God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” So, we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?” (Hebrews 13:5&6)

When you take the leap of faith to believe, there will be times when God feels super close and times he feels farther away, but faith allows you to trust that God’s promises are always true. Even when you feel alone, you recognize that is just a feeling. God is still there.

Years of believing in God have proven this truth to me. There have been many times in my life where my circumstances would have made me feel hopeless and alone, but God has always been my anchor to hold onto in the storms. The knowledge that He is unchanging, unmovable, trustworthy and good allow me to have HOPE.

Your Future is Amazing

Do you ever feel like you have nothing to look forward to? That the same despair you may be feeling now will always be with you?

By putting your faith and trust in Jesus Christ, your life is made new.  You get a fresh start. If you recognize that you have messed up and ask God to forgive you, God will forgive you, no matter what you’ve done. God will pour out mercy, peace, grace, blessings, and love on you. Your future is secure.

And once you have given your life to Christ, you can rest assured that, no matter what you face in this lifetime, you can look forward to eternal life in heaven.

And heaven…well, it’s going to be great!  More beauty than we can comprehend. But even better is the pure joy we will have. There will be no more tears, no more pain, and no more death.

Is This Hope for You?

It is certainly available to you if you choose it.

You can also visit our Get Help page to talk to someone about this.

Here’s the thing…. Christians still have problems. We still make mistakes. Bad things still happen.

Once sin came into the world, God never promised us life would be easy. However, God promises to overcome all of it, to love us always, and to never leave us.

Read this and see if you relate:

I’ll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, the poison I’ve swallowed. I remember it all—oh, how well I remember— the feeling of hitting the bottom.

That’s from the Bible – nothing much has changed in human feelings over thousands of years.  Here is what the writer of that passage went on to say.

But there’s one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope: God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out, his merciful love couldn’t have dried up. They’re created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over). He’s all I’ve got left. God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It’s a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. It’s a good thing when you’re young to stick it out through the hard times. (Lamentations 3:19-26 MSG)

God provided hope to people then and still does today!

If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. For additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

Anxiety Is Real and Can Be Overwhelming

We all get nervous, worried, stressed, and fearful from time to time. For example, when speaking in public, going through a financial hardship, or when having trouble in a difficult relationship.

Anxiety is a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about a looming event or something with an uncertain outcome. Having some anxiety is normal but for others, it becomes so frequent, and forceful, it takes over their lives and affects their ability to function. In this episode, I talk with Iva, Allison, and Matthew, each of them have had high levels of anxiety.

A Deep Plunge into Anxiety

Iva is dealing with an anxiety issue. He has no idea why he’s anxious. He’s taken a deep plunge into anxiety and feels there is no way out. He’ll be in class and for no apparent reason will start sweating, shaking and can’t breathe. Then has to lay down in the nurse’s office until he feels better. He doesn’t understand where the anxiety is coming from.

Iva is not alone, there are many people who have serious anxiety issues, 18% of all Americans suffer from anxiety. Many have no idea why they have such anxious feelings, which alone could make one feel even more turmoil. They usually don’t have much patience and understandably so. The anxiety can be so intense, they want relief and they want it now.

Any person who is struggling with anxiety, needs encouragement and support from others, who will empathize and pray with them as they face their daily battles. And walk with them through their own personal nightmares.

God Can Give Us a Deep Sense of Peace

God can give us a deep sense of peace as we work through our issues. God says more than just, “Don’t be anxious,” or “Get over it,” but tells us our prayers and petitions are the keys to opening the door of overcoming our anxiety. The apostle Paul wrote, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

I have high hopes for Iva, in spite of his struggle, he has not given up. His parents love him and support him, even though they don’t know what to do. Knowing they are there for him can be a great help. Truly Iva is tormented. May God show him the way to find the peace that passes all understanding.

Overloaded with Emotional Trauma

Allison has a lot of drama in her life, giving her tons of anxiety. She grew up in a dysfunctional family where her and her father were very close and her mom was jealous of their relationship. Now, her parents are getting divorced and Allison feels it’s her fault.

Allison is way overloaded with emotional trauma. For her to get help, she has to reach out and face the truth. Her anxiety attacks are a secondary issue, as horrendous as they are. They serve as a wake-up call. She must discover the triggers which cause her to spin into these anxiety nightmares.

Allison is coming to realize what some of these triggers are:

• A broken relationship with her mom
• A sense of false guilt and shame about her mom
• Her dysfunction family
• A boyfriend whose violated her trust
• Way overloaded with her jobs
• Her father being gone

She’s carrying too much weight, and she’s crying out for help. There’s only so much medication can do. It can help but it’s not an end-all. She’s going to have to go deeper and deal with her issues, one at a time. As she does that, the load will start to get lighter and she will experience less anxiety.

Suffered from Anxiety Attacks

Matthew has suffered from anxiety attacks and even though at one time he might die. He has no peace about anything. It took away all his energy. Then he discovered where to find strength and rest and he found them in Christ Jesus. He was worried about everything and trying to carry everything on his shoulders. He’s learned to give it all over to God. From time to time, he still gets nervous but it’s been years since his last anxiety attack.

Finding Peace

Matthew has found his personal peace with Jesus Christ. With Christ’s love and power, he’s able to help others deal with their anxieties. He still struggles from time to time but nothing like it once was. Jesus explained what Matthew needed to do. He said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” Matthew 11:28-29

Did Today’s Episode Get You Thinking?

God can give us a deep sense of peace as we work through our issues. God says more than just, “Don’t be anxious,” or “Get over it,” He tells us our prayers and petitions are the keys to opening the door of overcoming our anxiety

Resources for Anxiety:

• Check out my eBook: Understanding Anxiety.
• Check out my blogs: How to Deal with Anxiety, You Can’t Just Toughen Up, How to Overcome Social Anxiety, How To Find Sanity In An Insane World, and Mental Illness is Not Mental Weakness.
• Check out these stories of hope from people who have struggled with anxiety: She Struggled with Cutting and Anxiety, Megan’s Struggle with Anxiety Disorder, My Social Fear, and Madylon’s Story: My Life Has Been an Emotional Roller Coaster.
• Need to talk about your issues? Sign up for an Email Mentor, an online coach who will email you and come along beside you to offer support.
• Need prayer? I believe God wants to change your life and mine, through prayer. If you need prayer and would like to have someone pray for you, go to TheHopeLine Prayer and check it out.

Would you consider doing something for me?

If you like this episode and think someone else might too, please share it on Facebook and Twitter.

One last thing,

My podcast, our website, and everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now at our Give Now page.

You Can Turn Away from Compulsive Lying

In This Episode:

Since mankind began, lying has been a tragic part of our lives. So awful is it, so terrible is its consequences, God forbids it in the 10 commandments. He said, do not lie (Leviticus 19:11). And in Proverbs 12:22, God spoke again and said, “Lying lips are abomination to the LORD.” Yet, all of us have told lies and at some time or another lived a lie.

The more we speak truth, the happier we will be. Yet sadly some people are compulsive liars. A compulsive liar is someone who lies out of habit. Lying is their normal and reflexive way of responding to questions. Compulsive liars bend the truth about everything, large and small.

For a compulsive liar, telling the truth is very awkward and uncomfortable while lying feels right. Nonetheless a compulsive liar suffers greatly.

Take Hunter for example, he said, "I can't stop lying…even about stupid things. It breaks my mom's heart that I keep lying to her. I hate that I'm doing this to her, and I hate that I do it. I feel like I am going to earn a reputation as a liar and that's the last thing I want. I hate myself.” Hunter needs a miracle in his life. His lying is destroying him, just as lying is interfering in 3 other people’s lives whom I spoke with. I talked with Lee, Jason, and Ellie, who in one way or another are caught up in the world of lying

Trying to Come Out of the Liar’s Closet

Lee has a compulsive lying problem and has been dealing with it for 10 years. She tried to get some help from a counselor but once she admitted her problem, she felt judged and second-guessed.

Lee is uncomfortable and angry. She’s trying to come out of the liar’s closet. She’s letting the world know about her dirty little secret, that she is a compulsive liar.

Lying has become part of Lee’s lifestyle for at least 10 years now. The habit isn’t going to go away just because she wants it to. It takes at least 66 days to change a habit. That’s a long time when you’re an addicted liar. She’s now coming to grips with what it will cost her to get free. It won’t be easy. Lying has become a part of her life. She uses it whenever she wants or needs to. Most of the time she lies just to lie, when telling the truth would be much easier.

Living in Your Own Personal Hell

One of the major consequences Lee must face is knowing no one believes her anymore. Her friends and family can’t trust her, and they deeply resent her. No one likes to be played or lied to, but the compulsive liar is playing people most of the time.

Lee has dug a big hole. She lives in her own personal hell. Lying has provided a place, where she can be in charge of her own reality. But when caught, unveils her rage about her situation. Lee is like a trapped animal, she’s angry and will blame anybody anywhere, except herself. She refuses to take responsibility for her deep, troubling issues.

My prayers are with Lee, I feel sorry she’s in such a predicament. But with God’s help, she can break out of 10 years of compulsive lying. She has her work cut out for her, it will be painful, but there is still light at the end of the tunnel. Let’s all pray, she will succeed.

Wherever You Go, You Take Your Issues with You

Jason moved to try to get away from his troubles, but his lying issue followed him. He has been trying to make a U-turn but no one believes anything he says.

I like Jason but he easily cons himself. He moved away from his hometown, thinking that would help him but he doesn’t get it. The truth is wherever Jason goes, he takes his issues with him. Changing locations won’t cure lying.

Jason is caught up in the old lying trap. He’s living a wild lifestyle but wants to cover it up. He has to tell lies to do that. But then he has to tell lies to cover the lies. He’s exhausted, partying away and continually lying to cover it up. He’s living a lie and his lies are killing him.

Time to Come Clean and Face Up to the Lies

Now, it’s time for him to come clean with his brother and sister-in-law. He thought he’d fooled them but they could smell the alcohol. It’s not easy to confess to the people you’ve lied to because you’ve tried to paint them as fools. So, it takes tremendous amount of humility and courage to face up to what you’ve been doing. Liars are smooth talkers but to confess to others means to set aside their smooth-talking tools to speak the truth and that’s not easy.

Jason doesn’t understand just how deep his love of lying goes. He, like most of us, doesn’t understand how evil his heart really is.

The Bible says, “The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?” Jeremiah 17:9

It’s a common mistake we humans make to think our hearts are a great deal better than they really are. The truth of the matter is, we are a mess. To tell the truth to ourselves, about ourselves is one of the most important things we can do. To lie to ourselves and to others is to act like Satan. Jesus was talking to religious leaders of the day who thought they were righteous because of the good works they did. Jesus set them straight. He told them: “You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father's desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.” John 8:44

Good news for Jason, He is starting to tell the truth about himself and that means he’s on his way to freedom.

Are You Buying into Someone’s Lies?

Elli’s boyfriend lies to her all the time about anything and everything. She can’t trust him at all and it’s destroying their relationship. She can’t bring herself to break up with him even though she knows it can never work because he always lies to her.

Relationships Need Trust and Respect

Elli was willing for a long time to buy into her boyfriend’s lies. Why, because he has an awesome personality, is persuasive, and the lies he tells are powerful. She may think they have a great relationship but without trust and respect there isn’t one. A relationship controlled by lies is nothing more than a front. Perhaps if Elli leaves him, it will be a wake-up call and he’ll be forced to examine his own pathetic issues. There is hope for him if he turns away from a life of lying to a life of following Christ.

Did Today’s Episode Get You Thinking?

All of us in some way in another are liars, none of us are perfect. My hope is whether we have told small or big lies, we will hate it for what it is and what it’s done in ours and other people’s lives. And so, we too will turn away from lying and trust in Christ to help us walk in the truth. Remember, the more you speak truth, the happier you will be!