Sometimes It's Hard to See What's Best for Ourselves in Relationships

Relationships with others are essential to our emotional health. However, it’s sometimes hard to see what’s best for ourselves when we’re invested in a relationship.

And then there are toxic relationships. These are the relationships that, if not corrected, could become extremely harmful. They are not necessarily hopeless, but require a lot of work to be corrected. Spotting a toxic relationship isn’t always easy since many unhealthy relationship habits are baked into our culture. Fortunately, there’s been a lot of recent psychological study into healthy and happy relationships and there are some principles that pop up consistently.

These are a few red flags of a toxic relationship:

– Passive aggression
– Arguing without communication
– Extreme jealousy
– Feelings of low self-worth
– Being secretive/hiding things from one another
– Constantly bringing up past mistakes in present arguments
– Avoiding one another
– Physical violence
– Wishing that things were as they once were in the relationship
– Feelings of unfaithfulness

Just because a relationship has taken a toxic course does not mean that it cannot be fixed through time and hard work. However, it does not mean that things must always be fixed.

There is nothing wrong with admitting that a relationship has run its course. Oftentimes there are a lot of things that we put up with simply because the pain that relationships bring us is less intimidating than the pain of letting go of the people that we love.

But we must remember to make ourselves a priority and put our well-being before anything else, even if it isn’t always easy. Even if you cannot imagine your life without a person, with time and distance, you will realize that you are healthier without the presence of the relationship.

This guest blog is written by Madison, blogger for You Matter, a part of the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, and a safe space for youth to discuss and share stories about mental health and wellness.

For information on how to meet, make, and maintain good friendships, check out:

Alcohol is the most harmful drug, even worse than heroin and crack cocaine. ~Dr. David Nutt

Does this statement shock you? It is the truth. Dr. David Nutt is a professor of neuropsychopharmacology at Imperial College London. He studies how drugs affect the mind. In this video interview, he explains why alcohol is the number one drug problem in the U.K., even worse than heroin and crack cocaine.

Alcohol Is The Most Harmful Drug

Maybe you drink with your friends and tell yourself, "Well at least I don't do drugs." (Read about the Opioid Epidemic) That is a lie, because in fact alcohol is a drug. Or maybe you think to yourself, "There's nothing wrong with drinking beer." Beer is alcohol and alcohol is a drug. I want to share some facts with you about alcohol and alcohol addiction that will hopefully change your thinking about this toxic and dangerous drug.

Here are some facts you may not know about alcohol. I want you to see that alcohol addiction is a BIG problem:

• Alcohol is the common term for ethanol or ethyl alcohol, a chemical substance found in gasoline and nail polish remover. (Who would pour gasoline down their throat?)
• In Ireland, there are almost twice as many deaths due to alcohol as all other drugs combined.
• In the National Survey on Drug Use and Health, 58% of full-time college students ages 18–22 drank alcohol in the past month.
• Drinking alcohol increases the risk of many different cancers, such as cancer of the mouth, esophagus, larynx, liver, colon, and breast.
• Alcohol use during the teenage years interferes with normal adolescent brain development.
• One study found that heavy-drinking adolescents who had been sober for 3 weeks still scored 10% lower than non-drinking peers on tests requiring verbal and nonverbal recall and skills needed for map reading, geometry, and science.
• Alcohol is the fourth leading preventable cause of death in the United States.
• According to the World Health Organization the use of alcohol results in 3.3 million deaths yearly.
• Youth who drink heavily have 23.6 times greater odds of intentionally injuring themselves by means such as self-cutting, attempted hanging, or self-poisoning as compared to youth who don’t drink heavily.

So if alcohol is such a dangerous drug WHY are so many people using it? Because alcohol is a profitable industry. Did you know that total alcoholic beverage sales in the United States alone was 219.52 billion U.S. dollars in 2015? And even the government benefits from taxes paid on the sales of alcohol.

Alcohol companies spend about $2 billion every year advertising in the United States to sell you lies, convincing you that alcohol will make you happy or beautiful or fun or relaxed. The people in the ads are always skinny, attractive, smiling, and surrounded by friends. They are trying to make it look appealing, safe, natural, and normal. And they start early turning you into a consumer.

Look at this baby bottle shaped like a champagne flute. The truth is that alcohol causes weight gain, makes your skin wrinkle prematurely, causes cancer, damages your brain, and more. Alcohol addiction is not pretty or happy or fun. I want you to know the truth about alcohol so you can have a reason to say no when someone tries to hand you a drink. If you have already ventured down that path and are struggling please download our free eBook below. Don't fall for the lies.

References:
Center on Alcohol Marketing and Youth
World Health Organization
National Survey on Drug Use and Health
Scientific Study: "Drug harms in the UK"
Facts from "Alcohol Action Ireland"

Digital Diet – The How and Why

Internet Addiction Disorder, Electronic Screen Syndrome, Digital Detoxes, Digital Diets, etc. Have you heard these terms? They are subjects that are currently generating a lot of discussions.

It’s an interesting conversation and one I’m glad is occurring.

As far as personal experience goes, yes, it is true, I don’t own a smartphone myself. I am still using the archaic mode of communication…the flip phone.

However, I hear from many people who struggle with screen addictions or social media addictions to the point that it is adversely affecting their lives. So I understand the challenge from the stories they share and I’ve done my research to offer the best help I can. Listen to my call with Melissa:

Chances are you probably don’t think you have a problem. Right? I mean all your friends are just as obsessed with their devices as you are. Everyone you know checks their Instagram feed constantly, keeps 50 Snap Chat streaks alive every day, watches YouTube and Netflix for hours on end. You are just like everyone else. That may be true or maybe you are fooling yourself.

Here’s the kicker…there isn’t necessarily a specific amount of time spent online which determines if you have a problem. It’s more about how the time you spend online impacts you and your life.

Let me clearly state that I am NOT anti-technology, anti-smart phone or anti-social media. Just because I don’t have a smartphone, doesn’t mean I don’t see how it could be beneficial.  I also know that there are tremendous benefits and good uses for Social Media, etc.  It just concerns me when any online-related, compulsive behavior begins to interfere with normal living and causes severe stress on family, friends, and one’s work environment.

So do you want to take a test to see if you have a Screen Addiction?

Here is the Internet Addiction Diagnostic Questionnaire developed by Dr. Kimberly Young. If you answer “yes” to 5 out of the 8 questions, it means you are addicted:

1. Do you feel preoccupied with the Internet (think about a previous online activity or anticipate the next online session)?

2. Do you feel the need to use the Internet with increasing amounts of time in order to achieve satisfaction?

3. Have you repeatedly made unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back, or stop Internet use?

4. Do you feel restless, moody, depressed, or irritable when attempting to cut down or stop Internet use?

5. Do you stay online longer than originally intended?

6. Have you jeopardized or risked the loss of a significant relationship, job, educational or career opportunity because of the Internet?

7. Have you lied to family members, therapists, or others to conceal the extent of involvement with the Internet?

8. Do you use the Internet as a way of escaping from problems or of relieving a dysphoric mood (e.g., feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety, depression)?

How’d you do?  If after answering those questions you realize you may actually be addicted to the internet, perhaps you are now thinking “Well, what can I do about it? It’s not like I can just give up my phone.”

Don’t lose heart. You can break this addiction. And you don’t need to quit cold turkey to do it.

The Digital Diet

Think of a digital diet like a food diet.  There comes a time when you just need to make healthier choices to get to a healthier place.  A digital diet is about being mindful of what you are doing online and how much time you spend there.  It's about embracing the good it brings such as using it for work, school, and fun without over-consuming. It's about moderating yourself. 

So what might a digital diet look like?

Try these 5 things:

1. Schedule No-Device times in your day. For example, always put your phone away at mealtimes. Or establish a boundary for yourself to not look at your device past 10 pm. Or perhaps you get an hour of screen time after school and then you put it away for 2 hours. Figure out what works for you and then stick to it.  It will be tempting to pick it up…but like a diet…you’ll need a little willpower and in the long run you will be happier.

2. Don’t charge your phone/devices in your room at night. Is it the first thing you look at in the morning and the last thing you look at before bed? Give your brain and eyes a rest. Plug your phone in somewhere else during the night to decrease the temptation. But you say, “It’s my alarm clock.”  You know what?  They do still make good old-fashioned alarm clocks for very little cost.

3. Avoid Push Notifications. If you have push notifications turned on for everything, your phone will never stop binging. Ask yourself if you really need to know every time someone updates their post or likes a picture or sends an e-mail? What push notifications could you turn off so that you are not inundated by bells and whistles? You can still find every new post and update it when you choose to go look at them. You just don’t need to be interrupted every time one comes in.

4. Limit the number of episodes or videos you watch. Do you find yourself binge-watching a show on Netflix? Or going from one YouTube video to the next? Set a limit for yourself. (You do tell yourself you can't eat the whole package of Oreo's don't you?) Tell yourself you will watch no more than 2 shows at a sitting.

5. Take a social media break. How often do you check your feeds or look at Snap Chat stories? Have you ever actually counted how many times you click on that little icon to see if there is anything new out there? I promise it wouldn’t kill you to take a break.

Maybe for a week give up social media or at least one bit of your social media. See how much more time you have. You might even find you are less stressed when you don’t have to try to stay on top of every feed. And when you start using it again, don’t go back to where you left off and try to get all the way through. Trust me you will live without seeing what your acquaintance ate for supper.

If you are still resistant to taking a digital diet because you are thinking, “Well, really, what’s the big deal? I’m not really hurting myself or anyone else,” the truth is you could very likely be hurting yourself and your relationships with others.

Research shows that internet/screen addiction can damage your brain. Overstimulation can impair brain structure and function, especially when a person’s brain is not fully developed which doesn’t happen until the mid-twenties. The effects of this are vast but here are some examples:

• Irritability
• Trouble sleeping
• Poor concentration
• Affects the ability to develop empathy and compassion for others
• Can cause cravings similar to drug cravings
• Poor impulse control
• Cause anxiety or stress in small things

Here are some additional pitfalls of a screen addiction:

1. Superficial Relationships - With a social media addiction your superficial online relationships can start to take the place of real personal relationships.

2. Become irresponsible - You can waste so much time staring at a screen that, without even realizing it, you were sucked in for hours. During this time perhaps you should have been studying, sleeping, doing tasks around your home. Perhaps it’s even affecting your career. If you feel the need to check your phone at work all the time to keep up on social media or read your push notifications, you will be less productive. Period.

3. Missing out - You can be so engaged in the online world that you ignore the life that is happening around you. Did your parent, sibling, spouse try to have a conversation with you, but you ignored them to stare at your phone? Did someone ask you to go out, but you declined?

4. Trapped Inside - You can forget that there is an outdoors with adventures awaiting because your screen has become too tempting and you just can’t leave it.

5. Boredom – You simply don’t know how to create any fun or excitement in your life anymore. You can’t think creatively and discover things to do. Unless you are looking at a screen, you find life to be boring.

This doesn’t have to happen to you. Take the digital diet today! Do you think screen addiction is a serious problem for people today? Have you struggled yourself? Are there additional tips you can pass along for people addicted to their phones? Please leave a comment below.

For many more tips, videos, and information about screen addictions, please download our free eBook today.

Troubles at home? Have a plan.

If you have spent any time reading my blogs or listening to my radio show, I hope you know, beyond anything else, that I care deeply for teens and young adults. I have made it my life’s work to share the message that there is HOPE no matter what struggle you may be facing. I want you to know that your life matters, people do care and help is available.

Because we want to be sure that every teen and young adult gets the help they need, we partner with many other organizations. We know we can’t help every hurting teen and young adult on our own, but together we are stronger and we can reach more people.

One of the organizations we have partnered with is Safe Place They are a national program for young people who need immediate help and safety. I share their Text4Help information on my radio show. Take a listen.

https://s3-us-west-2.amazonaws.com/thehopeline-media/Dawson+National+Safe+Place.mp3

If you or anyone you know ever needs to get out of an unsafe situation, you can text the word “SAFE” to 69866 and within seconds you will receive the address of the closest Safe Place.

Every year 1.6 to 2.8 million runaway or homeless youth live on the streets. TheHopeLine® and Safe Place simply want to give these teens a safe place to go.

Here’s how Safe Place works:

Safe Place designates businesses and organizations within a community as Safe Place locations, making help readily available to youth across the country. Locations include: libraries, YMCA’s, fire stations, public buses, various businesses, and social service facilities. Safe Place locations are designated with this sign.

And remember you can always text SAFE and your current location to 69866 to find the location nearest you.

Step One – A young person enters a designated "Safe Place" and asks for help.

Step Two – The site employee finds a comfortable place for the youth to wait while they call the licensed Safe Place agency.

Step Three – Within 20-30 minutes or less, a qualified Safe Place volunteer or agency staff member will arrive to talk with the youth and, if necessary, provide transportation to the agency. Going to the agency is not required and is voluntary. The choice is yours.

Step Four – Once at the agency, counselors meet with the youth and provide support. Agency staff makes sure the youth and their families receive the help and professional services they need.

There are many difficult problems that teens face in their life that may cause them to seek a safe place such as: abuse, neglect, family troubles, dangerous dating situations, bullying, homelessness, drug abuse, etc.

If you find yourself in one of these situations, you have some crucial decisions to make. Unfortunately, many times to escape one bad situation you can end up in another by making dangerous or unwise decisions. That is why I promote Safe Place. They will help you navigate your next steps in a safe environment before you end up in a worse situation. You deserve a chance to work through your problems with the support of a caring adult.

Your safety is of utmost importance, but running away carries a whole set of issues on its own. Issues you need to think through.

Ask yourself the following questions:

• Do I have a place to stay?
• What about school? Would I continue to get an education?
• Am I going to be gone awhile or coming back in a few days?
• What would I do for money? Shelter? Food? Transportation?
• Who can I depend on if I leave home?
• Do I have a safe, solid plan?
• What is my plan B in case my first plan doesn’t work?
• What have I done to make things better at home?
• What can I do to make things better at home?
• Who have I reached out to make things better at home?

You are not alone as you make these decisions. Stay safe and don’t hesitate to Text4Help or Chat with TheHopeLine®.
Remember – there is HOPE.

Check out the sites of our partner organizations:
Safe Place - https://nationalsafeplace.org/
National Runaway SafeLine - https://www.1800runaway.org/
Covenant House

Let's Be Honest, Military Relationships Are Tough

Maybe when you first fell in love you did not know the military life would be in your future, but here you are anyway. Either you or your bf-gf is enlisted, and it is really hard on your relationship right now. If you are looking for some specific ways to survive military deployment read this blog

Do you agree with Ashley that a military relationship can work?

Ashley wrote: "The military life is a hard one, but if you love someone enough then it's not hard to be faithful. Many people just assume that the military is full of cheaters or that the spouses back home are unfaithful! I can name PLENTY of faithful couples that are military. It takes a special kind of person to be a solider and a special kind of person to be a military spouse."

We get a lot of calls from people who are in a relationship with someone in the military, so I've asked Captain Mike Jones to join me on these next few blog posts. Mike is a former US Army Captain with two tours of duty in Iraq and Afghanistan. He was also the co-founder of "Not Alone," which was founded to empower military families and give soldiers, veterans and those who love them a central resource for free, confidential information, support and access to healthcare professionals." ("Not Alone" is now a part of "Centerstone Military Services")

Dawson: Many of the calls we get are from spouses and girlfriends (boyfriends too) with concerns about how the military is going to affect their relationships. Some are afraid of the unknown as much as anything else.

Do You Feel Like You Are Living in Two Different Worlds?

Mike: Fear of the unknown is very common. The military is like an alternate universe existing right in middle of normal America. They have their own cultural, values, and ways of doing things. They even have their own private language. AGR stands for Active Guard and Reserve, AIG stands for Address Indicator Group, and ASOC is the Air Support Operations Center. There are 690 other acronyms, and that's just the A's. Then there is all the unofficial terminology (military slang). Also, the way things are done at first can seem bizarre and without common sense. But trust me, everything (and I mean everything) is the way it is for a reason. One part of that fear spouses and girlfriends/boyfriends feel is that the ones they love are entering a world so different from their own, and they're not sure how they will continue to relate to one another. Two people in two very different worlds. Will they still have enough common ground?

Dawson: I guess the strength and the depth of that common ground has a lot to do with the impact of military life on a relationship.

A Strong Foundation Will Become Stronger

Mike: Absolutely. Not all the stories are not horror stories. Some of the greatest marriages and greatest families that I know of are those of military personnel. But I will also say that the military, particularly the deployments and the stress of combat, will reveal what's really there. If two people have a solid foundation of love, trust, and faith, then military service with all its difficulties can make it stronger. If those things are weak or superficial, it will reveal that too.

Dawson:  Sometimes the concerns of our callers are not about what they don't know but what they do know the things they have suddenly come to realize. It's not unusual for some to throw in the comment: I didn't sign up for this!

Mike: I've heard that same comment many times. Military service can be extremely demanding on a soldier's time and emotional focus. The first and foremost concerned of the military is the mission. It's not that the command structure unconcerned about anything else, but the mission comes first. Marissa Boote, a paralegal whose husband joined the Army, said that same thing when she realized how much the Army would control their lives, I didn't sign up for this!

Dawson: It seems that military service is something both people in a relationship need to sign up for emotionally.

You Can Survive and Thrive

Mike: It only takes one to sign on the dotted line, but you're right. Everyone in a military family serves and sacrifices in their own way. It would be wrong to assume that one person could do their thing in the military, while the other continues to do their thing in the civilian world unaffected. So, yes, the solider and spouse need to sign up together to serve their country. That is a part of the foundation that is going to enable their relationship to survive and thrive.

Dawson: So, what do you see as the upside to joining the military?

Mike:  There are lot of benefits recruiters will tell you about such as college tuition, seeing the world... that kind of stuff. For me the most important things are personal. It makes you a better person. It brings out the best in you. The very best part is the camaraderie. You become part of a family of men and women who pay a high price to serve and who would give their lives for one another. Those kinds of relationships in that kind of setting will definitely change you.

Dawson: The way you describe being part of (another) family might seem a little threatening to a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend. One goes off to the greatest experience of their lives and they build these deep relationships apart from his/her spouse. That's what many are afraid of, heading off in different directions.

Mike:  Yes, but is doesn't necessarily have to be that way. Spouses enter that new world of relationships and camaraderie as well. Like I said, both sign up, one as a soldier and the other as a military spouse. If two people can embrace the difficulties, dangers, and crazy lifestyle of serving their country in the military, their relationship can grow, and both be better for it. Those who have done so would not have it any other way.

Additional resources for military relationships:

• How To Survive Homecoming
• The Dreaded Deployment

For more help, please visit our partner resource, Centerstone Military Services.

For additional support for PTSD check out our topic page for resources and more!

Do You Wonder Why You Hate Yourself Even When Others Like You?

It's so tragic to hear someone say I hate myself. But down deep, many people do. Do you hate yourself? It seems there are so many things in this world that attack our self-esteem and sense of worth. When you hate your life and yourself, it feels like you're in your own personal jail, full of self-loathing, desperately wanting to get out, but not believing they can.

Can You Relate to Caroline?

Others may think you are just crying out for attention. But the feelings are very real.  You are miserable because of how you feel about yourself, even if it sounds exaggerated or overly dramatic. I believe you.

Caroline described her self-hatred like this:  I hated myself because I thought I wasn't good enough to be in this world. I thought I was ugly, stupid, and weird. I wished I could have been someone else.

So why do people hate themselves?

We took a poll and asked what reasons you might have to hate yourself. The majority of people said it was something about their appearance, followed closely by I didn't feel loved, and then I failed at a relationship. Each of these could be their own articles.

Blame Ourselves When Bad Things Happen

When bad things happen, we often blame ourselves. It's easy to let this blame turn into self-hatred and suck the very life out of us. This can leave us depleted of any kind of self-worth or love. When bad things happen, the worst thing you can do is spiral down into self-pity.

Sometimes self-hate is emotional exhaustion from the blame game. It's important to remember that painful, challenging, and hard times are going to happen. Sometimes you just need to give yourself a break and get some rest. You will look much better to yourself when you get some rest and forgive yourself for any mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes.

Rejection or Abandonment

Everyone will experience rejection of some sort. It's normal. But it's difficult. Not everybody is going to love you or accept you.
But it doesn't mean you're a bad person, and that you should hate yourself because of it.

Tom wrote: I used to live consumed with thoughts about what everybody else was thinking about me. I felt like people were constantly rejecting me. All the worst things came to mind, even though there was no way of actually knowing what people were thinking. I had to quit, or else I'd go crazy.

Sometimes when people experience rejection or abandonment, they turn the responsibility onto themselves, as if they are the ones who caused the pain. Don't let what other people think about you determine what you think of yourself. The freedom you experience when you let go of this burden like Tom did, will give you great joy. He's right, it's not worth going crazy over something you really can't control.

Negative Self-Talk

Thinking poorly about yourself is kind of like self-rejection. You see something about yourself that you think is stupid or ugly and you think criticizing yourself about it will somehow make it go away. It won't. It will actually make it worse. A lot of people feel ugly. Lazy. Inadequate. It's like the whole human race suffers from deep, low self-esteem.

Mona wrote: I hate who I've become. I know there is a hardworking, honest, skinny person inside me somewhere, but most of the time I think about how far to the negative I've come, then get even angrier at myself for not working harder to become the person I know I can be.

The Fight Against Self-Hate

The fight against self-hate is an on-going battle in all of us. Some struggle with it more than others, to the point of depression and suicidal thoughts. But it seems to always be there working in the shadows, waiting to pounce on us, and take us down. One thought that has helped me in this struggle is God's love for me.

I ask myself, "Why should I hate someone God loves so much? Why should I slap Him across the face? He's the one who made me, and He did it for a very special reason." There is no one else in the whole world who is just like you or me. Isn't that incredible? That person, YOU, is worth loving.

So how do you climb out of the dark hole of self-hate? Check out 5 Things to Think or Do When You Hate Yourself.

Anger is a very powerful emotion that can take over your life if you let it, but you don't have to let it control you. Most people who feel angry just don't have any idea how to deal with it.  All of us at one time or another comes up against anger.  I asked those that listen to my show to share their experiences with anger and I received a huge response.

What Anger Looks Like

McKaela commented: When I finally snap, I just scream and throw things around. It may sound childish but it's my only way to vent without hurting the ones I love.

And sometimes we even turn to addictive substances to numb our intense feelings. Sara wrote: When I get angry I tend to lash out and drink at home.

Drizz wrote: I get angry at almost everything, to the point where I want to hurt someone badly (mainly the person that brought my anger out). In fact, anger is the only real emotion that I feel.

Drizz, McKaela and Sara have each come to the point where anger has become the controlling force in their lives. In the midst of rage, it's hard to believe you have any choice in the matter.

This is how Monica feels. She said: I get angry very often. And quite frankly I don't know how to deal with my anger. I bottle it up inside and every so often it all comes out, usually on a family member. I yell and hit. I try not to, I honestly do, but rage just beats the fact that I love them. So I lash out.

Lashing out might seem like the only option. The truth is you do have the option to not let anger take over. So what is a better way to deal with your anger? How can you stay calm when you feel like blowing up, raging, or acting out?

Try These 3 Practical Ways To Manage Your Anger

Identify what makes you angry and turn away, before the anger takes over.

Kyle wrote: I know how easily I get angry and so I can usually tell when things are going to get too bad, so I usually just get out of the situation beforehand. Kyle's on to something here. Here is aware of his own emotions and what triggers the intense anger. He is choosing to turn away before his anger hurts him and those around him.

Talk it out.

Call up a friend and ask for help. Talk to someone you trust about these intense feelings of anger, what triggers it and what you can do about it. Talking things out with a friend who cares will really help. Anna wrote: When I'm angry it helps when I have a conversation with others and they tell me about their problems and issues, so it calms me down and lets me realize everyone makes mistakes and they too deal with anger everyday.

Do something productive.

Don't just sit around and think about how angry you feel. That usually makes matters worse. Change your environment. Come up with something productive you can do when you feel angry. Haley wrote: When I get mad I clean, sing, or write.

Here are some more great ideas for how to manage anger:

Logan wrote: The best thing in my opinion is working out - it's a good way to channel your anger into something productive.

Kaley wrote: I go running, with really loud music.

Linda wrote: Riding my horse and caring for my horses keeps me centered and balanced. I am a much better person because of them.

Sarah wrote: I take a walk in the woods with my dogs and take pics with my cam - helps me every time.

Brenda wrote: I read, listen to music, and journal my feelings out, I trust God's help to get me thru things and handle my emotions better.

Emily wrote: I breathe and count to five and use my words instead of my fists. Superior intelligence beats superior strength any day.

Kaitie wrote: I write music with lyrics on how I'm feeling at that moment. I also talk to friends or meditate.

Hanani wrote: First, I pray about it. Second, I dance. Being a dancer, that's one of the ways I best express myself. Third, I don't dwell on the issue. I do things to help myself calm down so that when I have to think about the issue, I don't blow up anymore.

Cory wrote: I love to dance when I'm mad, or listen to music, and most the time when I am mad, I love to write about it, in poems or in a journal.

Dance, run, turn up the music, journal, or meditate. You can beat the anger and you will feel better, much better.

Did you know that violence in teen dating affects 1 in 3 adolescents in the U.S.? This is NOT okay. It's important to be aware of these 8 signs of an unhealthy relationship?

Dating Violence - 8 things that are NOT okay in Dating Relationships

I ask myself – how can this be that one in three teens is being violated physically, sexually or emotionally in a dating relationship?

I think there are a number of reasons why.  Often the abuser in the relationship starts off being very smooth and charming and the other person is taken in by this.  

I describe this behavior in my call with Nicole. Take a listen:

Other times the abused partner suffers from low self-esteem and convinces themselves that they are in love.

However, I wonder if most of the time teens and young adults simply don’t know how to recognize abuse. Perhaps some are willing to accept behaviors from their boyfriend/girlfriend that are NOT acceptable simply because they don’t know things can be different.

Maybe you have been there. It’s your first dating relationship. You’ve never really been “in love” before, so you think your bf/gf's behavior is normal. Or you’re willing to make excuses for them because you like being “in love.” Or you think you can change them. I understand how this can happen, so I want to help you recognize abuse before it's too late.

The truth of the matter is that people with abusive tendencies don't change too quickly, and you deserve SO much better and better is available.

I have talked to many teens who regret things they’ve done in relationships simply because they didn’t know any better.

Here are 8 behaviors that are NOT acceptable in a relationship.

1. Insulting you, putting you down, or hurting your feelings with their words.
2. Disrespecting your opinions or thoughts, making you feel dumb or worthless
3. Isolating you from friends and family by controlling whom you are “allowed” to talk to and convincing you that your family and friends aren’t good for you.
4. Controlling you…telling you where you can go, whom you can see, and how you can spend your money, etc.
5. Blaming you for their abusive actions…making you feel like it is your fault they say mean things or are physically rough with you.
6. Physically rough. While you may know that hitting is not appropriate, neither is pushing, grabbing, pinching, hair pulling or any other physical touch that makes you feel uncomfortable or scared.
7. Forcing sexual activity of any sort. If you are not consenting to the sexual activity, it is abuse.
8. Overly jealous. Spying on you or checking in on you too much. Reading your texts or stalking your social media. Accusing you of cheating or flirting with others when you are not doing anything wrong.

Listen to this call from Jared whose girlfriend helped him realize his overly jealous actions were abusive.

https://s3-us-west-2.amazonaws.com/thehopeline-media/JARED+Tulsa+OK+-+Abusive+Dating+Relationships+100216.mp3

Relationship Spectrum

For a complete relationship spectrum from healthy to unhealthy to abusive relationships check out this Relationships Spectrum from our friends at TheHotLine.org.

If you feel you might be in a dating relationship that is abusive, but you just aren’t sure, feel free to leave a comment below or chat with one of our HopeCoaches on TheHopeLine.

And remember there is always HOPE. You are not alone. You can escape abusive relationships and heal from them.

There are people who will help you and God is on your side.

The Bible is the Living Word of God. This means that it is as relevant today as it was in the time it was written. The Bible is how God communicates to us, and if we don’t spend time reading it, we will miss out on so many important things that God wants us to know. If you have ever asked yourself how and why to read the Bible, the answers are below.

The Bible is the oldest historical book on record and yet it still speaks to our concerns and issues today and provides great insight, wisdom and truth for how to live our lives. It contains hope-filled promises from the one true God about how much He loves us and will take care of us if we call on Him. This is why it is the best-selling book of all time.

A Bible for Everyone

As you begin your new life with Jesus, you will want to hear from Him each day by reading His words written for us.  If you don’t have a Bible, you can find one on-line or download the Bible App to your phone or tablet here:  Apple or Google Play
The app and website both contain many translations of The Bible and Bible reading plans to help you along!

Set Aside Time Each Day

The way to spend time with God is by reading and studying the Bible. Everything that was written in the Bible is there to teach us. Not only does it educate us, but it also offers us hope and encouragement as we patiently wait for God to fulfill His promises. As believers, the more we spend time with God in His word, the more we will grow in our faith and build our trust in Him. This works in much the same way as spending time with our friends. The more we put into our friend relationships by listening to them and talking with them the more we grow to know and trust them.

In fact, research shows that if you read the Bible four times a week you will see major changes in your life. Here's an example, out of 40,000 people polled when they read the Bible four times a week loneliness dropped by 30%!  Watch this short video to hear other major impacts on the lives of those who read the Bible four times a week - The Power of Four

"For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope." Romans 15:4

God’s Word Lights the Way

Here's an analogy -

There are two paths you can chose in life. One path is really difficult. It’s surrounded in darkness, and it’s very rocky. If you choose this path, you will stumble along in life, tripping, squinting in the dark, and struggling the whole way.

The other path is difficult too. There are some really big inclines and declines, but the path is lit up for you. As you take one step at a time, there’s always light a few steps ahead. You can always see the path you’re walking on.

Maybe so far in life, you’ve been choosing the first path. You’ve been stumbling your way in the dark, squinting trying to see, and falling many times. You are making decisions on your own, thinking you can do it yourself and you’re struggling the whole time.

At any time, you can choose to move to the lighted path where your steps are guided by God. God lights your path through the truths in the Bible. These truths become a part of your life by reading, studying, memorizing, and meditating on scriptures. As you spend time in the Word, ask God to reveal Himself to you through the scriptures.

“Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path.”  Psalms 119:105

Where to start reading in the Bible

If you have never read the Bible before, a good place to begin is the Book of John. In reading John, you will find out exactly who Jesus is and what He came to earth to do. Additionally, the Book of John is broken down into 21 short easy-to-read chapters. Why is this significant? Experts say it takes 21 days of doing something consistently to create a habit. So, if you read a chapter a day you are forming the habit of getting into God’s Word regularly.

Here is a reading plan that includes devotionals for the book of John.  This comes from the Bible website and app mentioned above: Thru the Bible – The Gospel of John, 21-day Study