Do I Own My Love Addiction?

Breaking the chains of love addiction might be one of the most difficult battles to fight. True, there is no physical withdrawal from breaking love addiction. But the emotional effects of trying to break away are all but overwhelming. Love addiction attacks us at the core of our being. It touches our heart, the very seat of our emotions and affections. There may be nothing more powerful in our lives than the desire to love and be loved. That is why it is so important we take care of our hearts, and not go crazy trying to meet our deepest needs in ways that can be destructive for a lifetime.

Last week, we talked about the words of King Solomon when he said, Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. How I wish each of us had heeded the words of the wisest man in the Bible. How many tearful nights and broken hearts could have been saved. There have been literally millions of people who have ruined their lives with destructive relationships, all the while thinking they had found love and sold their souls to keep it.
Some of the signs of love addiction are:

• finding it unbearable or emotionally difficult to be alone
• choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable and/or verbally or physically abusive

Mariah said, "I got out of rehab for heroin and replaced that habit with what I now know is love addiction. I had never heard of this term before tonight. I listened to your radio show, and realized that I am most definitely a love addict. My boyfriend is abusive, but I am a slave to him, and for the most part, I don't care. I am terrified of being alone." She is honest about moving from one addiction (heroin) to another (love addiction).

So what can we do to break this love addiction that's not really love at all? Real love never destroys, but only builds up.

To break love addiction we must own it.

What do I mean when I say, we must OWN our addictions? According to the dictionary, one definition of to own is, to acknowledge or to admit. To break the cruel chains of love addiction, one must acknowledge and admit he/she is a full-blown love addict.

To break the cruel chains of love addiction, one must acknowledge and admit he/she is a love addict. That means there's no denial, cover-up, pretending, or head games with ourselves. It means to agree from the very core of our being that love addiction has taken over our lives. This is never easy to do.

Amy said, "I believe it is hard for people to admit due to the fact that they may not see it. Once they do that's when their world comes crashing down. No one wants to believe they are with someone due to trying to run and/or hide from deep emotions." When we own our addiction, we are saying some pretty tough things about ourselves.

3 Things that are not easy to admit when you have love addiction.

1. No one wants to own the fact their life may be sadly empty. 
None of us want to admit that due to our past or bad choices we often feel dead inside and only have a sense of being alive when we have the excitement of a boyfriend/girlfriend.

2. No one wants to own the fact they were the victim of early abandonment when they were children.
Almost all love addicts were in some way abandoned by their caretakers when they were young. Just the thought of being abandoned and not being able to do anything about it can lead them to panic, fear, rage, and despair.

3. No one wants to own the fact they have been living in a fantasy world.
Most all love addicts live in a fantasy world, and in that fantasy there is someone who will rescue them or make them feel completely loved, protected, secure, and full of value. Healthy relationships are wonderful and a gift from God, but no relationship can meet all those needs. As I say to callers on my radio show, There is no Santa Claus, or Easter Bunny, and no boyfriend/girlfriend can meet your deepest needs. It is so very difficult to let go of your fantasies and admit they weren't true and will never happen.

I have listed just a few of the facts we must own in order to break the chains of love addiction.

You can get free from love addiction. But it takes some deep looking and understanding how we may have lost guard of our hearts in the past. Find out more here. 

In my blog How to Stop Lying I listed eight things you can do to help break the bad habit of lying.
But I don’t just want to give you tips on how to stop lying. I want to motivate you by giving you two very important reasons WHY you should stop.

Top Two Reasons You Should Stop Lying

First of all, NOBODY wants to be friends with a liar because liars can’t be trusted, and they hurt other people with their lies…often in order to protect themselves. If you desire any REAL relationships in your life, you need to be trustworthy.

Second, liars will eventually get caught, and deservedly so. Lying is a destructive force and it will catch up to you.
In fact, I want to use the rest of this blog to help protect people from liars. Below is a list of a number of signals to watch for if you think someone may be lying. It’s not going to be completely possible to know every time someone lies, but there are definite signs that should send up a red flag.

Ericka told me about some of the pain caused by the lying of her ex-husband: I have two young children (3 & 1) and just left their father because he was addicted to gambling. I always thought that cheating would be the worst, but I soon discovered that along with gambling came lie after lie. Our relationship was never going to improve without trust. Discovering his lying earlier could possibly have saved Ericka and her children some needless pain. Would that be possible? I believe it is possible by figuring out how to know if someone is lying.

Lying is a stressful behavior, and it causes people to act differently when they lie.

We’ve all seen people take lie detector tests on TV or in the movies. It is an effective instrument, not because it can tell right from wrong, but because it can reveal when a person’s body is reacting in a stressful manner. Because lying is so wrong, it can cause stressful behavior, showing signs we can detect through body language.

It is important to learn to read body language. How does a person act in normal circumstances? Notice normal eye, hand and body movements, and facial expressions during regular conversation. Then you will better notice when the body language changes…showing the stress of lying.

One of the easiest and best ways to tell if someone is lying is by looking into their eyes. Most people who are lying have a difficult time holding eye contact with the person they’re lying to. Jenna agrees: It is hard to tell when people are lying to you. But in my case, I found that when someone is lying, they don’t give you eye contact.

8 More Signs Someone May Be Lying to You:

How to Catch a Liar:

• A lying person may become tense and freeze up while telling the lie. Others may move their body way more than normal.
• A lying person may appear uncomfortable fast eye blinking, scratching, itching, swallowing hard, fidgeting, etc.
• A lying person may look up and to the right.
• A lying person may touch their nose or cover up their face or mouth.
• A lying person may often raise the pitch or speed of their voice.
• A lying person may present a wide-eyed, innocent look.
• A lying person may create noticeable pauses in the conversation as they are trying to come up with something to say that fits the lie they are creating.
• A lying person often tells a different version of their original lie the second time around.

You’re not always going to be able to discover if a person is lying to you, but usually if it feels like a lie, it almost always is.

My desire is to help both those who lie and those who have been lied to. I care for you equally. So, it is my hope that if you are in the habit of lying you will stop and think twice. Know that your lies will ruin friendships and you will eventually get caught. And if you believe you are being lied to, trust your gut and confront the person you believe is being dishonest. It will be best for both of you in the long run.

The deeper we have gone into the subject of lying, the more we see how much pain and stress it causes everyone involved. Sadly, all of us have been affected by lying, whether our own or someone else's. I've been encouraged by those who have been helped by these blogs and want to live an honest life.

Honesty Brings Peace

Lying is extremely stressful. It causes you to be constantly looking over your shoulder and wondering who might be finding you out. You're always running through the lies you've told in your head, trying to keep track of what you've told to which person, and what's the next lie you need to tell. When you're honest, you don't have those worries, or the negative consequences of your lies.

Sarah added: When you're honest, you don't feel so lost all the time.

Roselyn commented: I can say that not lying is a very relaxing way of life. The fact you don't have to worry about remembering old lies or getting in trouble later on for lying puts a lot more relief in your life. Even when it's hard, telling the truth always has the better outcome than a bunch of lies.

People are constantly looking to see who they can trust and who they can't. People are actually much more perceptive and aware of who tells the truth and who doesn't. Over time, honesty shows itself as a trait that is beautiful and deeply respected. As you begin to live lie-free, you will begin to see people will trust and respect you more and more.

If you resist the temptation to lie, you increase your capacity to build lasting relationships of trust. This is true in all our relationships whether it's dating, family, friends, or at work. Macey put it so well: The truth always comes around. It's always best to be honest it makes any and every relationship strong and healthy. Being honest and open has actually gotten me further than lying.

Honesty Builds Integrity

Integrity is a word few uses, and less understand. Yet if you, have it, it is priceless. If you are a person of integrity, it means your walk matches your talk...you do what you say you're going to do, and when you say something, people know you mean what you say. It means you can be trusted. The opposite of integrity is hypocrisy...saying one thing and doing another.

Someone commented about the value of being honest: I used to lie a lot. I would lie only because it was easier than explaining the truth. And I have finally grown to realize that it's easier to [be honest]. Being honest and open has actually gotten me further than lying. My parents trust me, and I feel good about myself. And when you feel good about yourself then you know that everything is okay. This person has come to realize the pain of hypocrisy and the joy of integrity. When we tell the truth and live it, we become emotionally and spiritually stronger every day.

I want to offer up a challenge to all of us. Would you be willing to commit to a life of honesty and integrity? If you're up for this life-changing challenge, please write me a comment below, and tell a friend about your commitment, too.

Let's talk about one of the most important keys to your happiness. It is a subject people talk about, but few understand or practice. Let's talk about forgiving others who have hurt you.

There's probably not a person in the world who does not need to forgive someone. Additionally, there is probably not one person who would ever say that forgiveness is easy. Forgiving others goes against our own common sense. There's an old saying: Don't get mad, get even. Yet forgiveness says, don't get mad, forgive.

To add to the challenge of forgiving, is the fact that most people do not understand what real forgiveness is and how to do it. Forgiveness is giving up your rights to get even.

I recently talked to a girl who was abused by her stepmother for five years. Her father stood by and basically did nothing while this stepmother did terribly cruel things to this 16-year-old girl. She told me she felt scarred for life and could never forgive what her stepmother and father had done to her. How sad that for the rest of her life she will let herself be stuck in constant bitterness, fear, shame and hate. I told her that learning to forgive those who hurt you will be one of the most difficult things you will ever do. But if you want to be happy, you must learn the art of forgiving. Every meaningful relationship you have will require some level of forgiveness at one point or another.

What is forgiveness?

According to the American Psychological Association: Forgiveness is the mental and/or spiritual process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignation or anger against another person for a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.

I love what author Lewis B. Smedes said about forgiveness: "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." There is no way to get away from our past and its effects on us. We can learn from it, but we can't escape from it. We may forget it, but we can't erase it. The only thing that can release us from the insane grip of a painful past is forgiveness. In fact, not to forgive is like drinking rat poison and expecting the rat to die. Forgiveness sets others free, but mostly, frees us.

FORGIVENESS IS:

1. Giving up your rights to get even. Brittany described it well: "To me forgiving somebody is to put something in the past and forget about it no matter what it is. For example, when I was 8 up until I was about 10 or 11 my dad totally ignored me when my mom and him got divorced because he married another woman. At that age I didn't understand it but when I was older, he divorced her. When my mom took me to meet him, to let him see how bad he was hurting me, he asked me to forgive him. So, I did, and I won't hold it against him now because we all wanted to forget about it. Now I see him whenever I want to, no questions asked. I could have easily not forgiven him and never seen him again. But that's forgiveness and everybody deserves a second chance."

2. Choosing to stop feeling anger and resentment. Forgiveness is a choice to let go of bitterness while also letting out the hurt in a positive way. When we are hurt by someone, some awful feelings can come over us at a moment's notice. Out of the blue sky we feel deep resentment, hurt, anger, and even bitterness and rage toward the other person. Forgiveness says, I refuse to babysit those horrible emotions. I understand they are toxic and can only hurt me. So, I will not sit and sulk. I will pray out, talk out, write out, and cry out these emotions until they no longer control me.

3. Letting all judgments toward the person who has hurt you be handled by God. Forgiveness also means to let all judgments toward the person who has hurt you be handled by God. No one gets away with violating and deeply hurting others without some kind of consequence. But it's not up to you to determine what that consequence should be. This much we do know: whoever has hurt you, has paid, is paying, and will pay, for their crime against you. Forgiveness is choosing to stop feeling anger and resentment to the person who hurt you, but letting out your hurt in a positive way.

4. Getting to the place where you can say, "I wish for you a blessing." I want to encourage you to do what CJ did: "I grew up without my parents and was raised by my grandparents in a Christian environment. I had to forgive my parents for abandonment. I had to forgive their ignorance. I had to forgive all they had done to my family. I believe forgiveness is the most powerful thing if you need to mend a broken relationship. You forgive that person although they destroyed you, manipulated you or someone you love. That's what Jesus did, and I wish everyone else did too. The world would be so much better. "Fortunately, she says she was able to forgive her parents, but that probably will never take away the memories that were caused by their neglect. Miraculously, a person can actually get to the place where they can say to the person who has hurt them, "I wish you a blessing. "Which means, I hope all will go well with you and you will have a great life. It is only when we get to this point that we are truly practicing forgiveness.

5. It is normal and right to feel anger toward someone who has hurt you. But hanging onto the hurt and choosing not to forgive the other person is only setting yourself up for a life of pain and difficulty. You have a choice. Please do not give up in your journey to forgive those who have hurt you. The consequences of not forgiving far outweigh the work it takes to give up your rights to get even.

For more on how to forgive and why it’s so important for you to forgive, download TheHopeLine’s free eBook.

What Forgiveness Is Not

Forgiving others who have harmed us is one of the most important things we will ever do. The happiness of our lives, or lack of it, rises and falls on whether we, by an act of our will, choose to forgive.

Millions of people are wrapped up in anger, resentment and bitterness toward those who have caused them great pain. For example, one girl I talked to experienced her mother abandoning her when she was only one-year-old, simply to follow a life of drug addiction. Another guy I spoke with has a father who spends so much time at work that he doesn’t know his own son, or even care to know him. The son is deeply hurt, almost paralyzed, by being ignored by his own father. I could go on and create an incredibly long list of ways we have all been hurt by someone in our lives. The fact is, we all have someone we need to forgive.

We need to remind ourselves what forgiveness is…

FORGIVENESS IS:

1. Giving up your rights to get even.

2. Choosing to stop feeding the anger and resentment toward the person who hurt you but letting out your hurt in a positive way.

3. Letting all judgments toward the person who has hurt you be handled by God.

4. Actually getting to the place where you can say to the person who harmed you, I wish for you a blessing on your life.

Now it is equally important to understand what forgiveness IS NOT. There are many people who refuse to forgive someone because of many popular, but FALSE ideas about what forgiveness involves. These wrong ideas, or myths, can cause a lot of confusion in our journey to be set free from our own prison of unforgiveness.

So, let’s examine 6 harmful myths about forgiveness.

6 Myths About Forgiveness

1. To forgive is to forget. You have no doubt heard people say you need to forgive and forget. It’s as though when you forgive someone, some kind of magical amnesia comes over you and you forget the horrible hurt that was brought on you. This is not true. Forgiving others does not eliminate the memory of their violating you. It is because we remember that the need for forgiveness is real. Tiffany admits she struggles with forgiveness. Even though she doesn’t know it, she has a misunderstanding of what forgiveness is: “I hate it!! It’s so hard to forgive when you can’t forget.” When you forgive someone, you’re not saying that you weren’t hurt or that you will forget that hurt. It did happen, but you can forgive, even if you still remember. But with forgiveness and time, that hurt will fade.

2. To forgive is to excuse or ignore the offender’s actions. If you could excuse the behavior of the person who hurt you, forgiveness is not necessary. In fact, what the person who hurt you did is inexcusable. We don’t excuse them for what they did, we forgive them. Usually a person who excuses, ignores, or quickly professes forgiveness to another is in denial.

3. Forgiveness will fix the relationship between you and the person who hurt you. You need to make a decision about whether to continue a relationship with the person you are forgiving, or if it would be better to maintain your distance. Just because you forgive someone, doesn’t mean you have to trust that person again. Forgiveness is a gift we give to others. Trust is something that is earned.

For example, if you were sexually abused, that doesn’t mean you should continue to live in the same house or even have a close relationship with that person. To do so would be unwise, even dangerous.

4. To forgive, I must feel forgiving. So many of us base what we do on what we feel. We let our feelings dictate just about everything we do. That is a huge mistake. Many things we must do as an act of our will. If we act right, our feelings will follow. Forgiving someone is actually an act of the will. Forgiving is a choice you make, not a feeling you have to stir up. We forgive others not based on our feelings, but because it is the right thing to do. It carries with it tremendous consequences for good or for bad. So forgive, even if you don’t feel like it. In time, you’ll be so glad you did.

5. When I forgive, I only have to do it once. It is only natural to want to have some kind of emotional moment where we forgive and then everything is wonderful from that point on. This is usually not the case. I have talked with many people who, after making a genuine commitment to forgive someone, have had those same feelings of hurt, anger and resentment come over them again. Forgiving someone is a process. Forgiving and healing take time…the greater the hurt, the greater the time. As somebody once said, “When an offense from the past stings the memory again, the act of forgiveness is chosen again.” Jenn wrote to me and shared her struggle with forgiveness: "I’ve heard people who say that sometimes you have to keep on forgiving a person. My question is are you really forgiving them then? I mean, sometimes I say yeah I forgive them, and other days it’s like I’m so mad I just want to get even. It goes back and forth like that."

Jenn’s right in her thinking that forgiving someone isn’t just a one-time occurrence. You don’t need to tell the person who hurt you that you forgive them every time you feel the pain they have caused. But you do need to continually commit to forgive when those ugly, toxic emotions come back to haunt you again.

6. Forgiveness will make everything be the same again. Many people think once they forgive someone everything will be beautiful, much like it was before the other person hurt them. The truth is, even if you forgive someone, and the relationship is healing, things still will never be the same again. They may be much better, but never the same again. In fact, when you forgive someone, the other person won’t always respond to you the way you want them to. But remember, forgiving others is an act of the will where we give up our rights to get even. We forgive because it’s the right thing to do. In forgiving, we let God deal with the results.

So to summarize, forgiving is not forgetting, avoiding, or excusing what has happened to you. You don’t have to feel forgiving to forgive someone. And just because you forgive someone, it doesn’t mean you won’t ever get upset and have to make the choice to forgive them again. It also doesn’t mean your relationship must go back the way it was before the offense.

However, in spite of these things, we must forgive. No one said forgiving others is easy. It is not. But the rewards of doing so far outweigh the challenge of letting go of your desire to get even. Someone once said, “Not to forgive imprisons me in the past and locks out all potential for change. I thus yield control to another, my enemy, and doom myself to suffer the consequences of the wrong.”

Forgiveness has incredible power, and I want to do whatever I can to help guide you there, so you can have the joy and the peace of being a forgiving person.

Rachel has experienced what it’s like to be a forgiving person. “I am always good to forgive someone because if I hold a grudge, it soon devours my positive being. It is a way to feel good about someone or a situation, without resorting to vengeance or self-inflicted hurt. It is just letting your heart and mind ‘get over it,’ to put it frankly.”

The spirit of unforgiveness and bitterness toward those who have hurt us is poison to our soul and destroys any chance for a life of peace and happiness. Don’t let yourself become emotionally and spiritually exhausted by refusing to forgive.

Forgiveness

I thought I'd blog on a topic few ever talk about, much less practice, but is incredibly important to our sense of peace and happiness. Let's talk about how to seek forgiveness when you have hurt someone. When we hurt someone, we undoubtedly cause a broken relationship. Broken relationships are not healed without someone seeking forgiveness.

Seeking Forgiveness 

Alex wrote me about a horrible situation she got into, one that leaves her craving forgiveness, even if she's not sure what will happen if she asks for it: "One night I made a mistake that I can never take back and it is killing me. I slept with my boyfriend's twin brother and I am now two months pregnant with his child. I don't know how to tell my boyfriend because I don't know if he will be able to forgive me and I love him so much and he means the world to me."

Most people never attempt to heal broken relationships because they refuse to take responsibility for their own actions, and it forces them to come face to face with their own pride. It's hard to admit you have done something wrong and put yourself at the mercy of others. We've all seen people try to squirm their way out of a difficult confrontation about something painful they've done. The most insecure people use denial or blaming others to escape from having to wake up to their own failure. Being humble is the key to experiencing forgiveness and healing.

Humble yourself; it's the first step toward being forgiven.

Vicki wrote this story about needing forgiveness: "Early in my relationship with my current boyfriend I cheated on him. I immediately felt awful about it and regretted doing it. Not too long after it happened, I told him what I had done and how I felt about it, and he was very understanding and he forgave me. Looking back on this two years later, I realize that we were (and are still in) a very loving relationship because forgiving someone after betraying them is VERY hard to do, but he was willing to do that for me and work on keeping our relationship strong."

SO HOW DO YOU SEEK FORGIVENESS FROM SOMEONE YOU HAVE HURT?

1. Admit to yourself you have hurt another person. As painful as it is, you have to come to the place where you admit you're guilty, no excuses. Asking someone to forgive you requires a broken heart and a willingness to repair the damage you have done. It's not just saying, Forgive me if you think I happened to have done something wrong. You need to understand the amount of pain you have caused, and accept responsibility for it.

2. Talk to God. Ask him to forgive you for what you've done and to give you the strength to talk to the person you've hurt. God is very interested in you seeking forgiveness. Jesus said something very powerful about the urgency and the need to seek forgiveness: If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God. (Matthew 5:24)

3. Ask for forgiveness from the person you hurt. If you are going to meet in person, you may want to write down your apology, and then practice saying it out loud until you are completely comfortable with it. What to say? Be honest. Don't apologize just to make an uncomfortable situation go away. You need to clearly explain what you are sorry for, without making any excuses. You might need to find a third party to help you, especially if it's difficult to talk face to face. You may need a peacemaker who can help bring some objectivity to the conversation. Don't expect him or her to immediately jump up with joy (or forgiveness) the moment you apologize.

4. Let the other person respond to you without getting defensive. You may need to give the other person time to sort out their feelings. Don't expect him or her to immediately jump up with joy (or forgiveness) the moment you apologize. It is important, if possible, to make sure the person you have hurt says Yes, I do forgive you. In so doing, they are saying, I'm not going to keep bringing it up or hold what you've done over your head. Sometimes when you seek forgiveness, a lot of people will then turn around and seek forgiveness from you.

Even if the other person refuses to forgive you, you've done your part to clear your conscience and show you want to change. In time, they may come around and forgive you. The best way for you to respond is to show yourself as continually trustworthy, avoiding opportunities to slip back into the wrongful behavior. But you did the right thing by seeking forgiveness, and your new attitude and actions will be the best way to prove you are truly sorry for what happened.

The best way for you to respond is to show yourself as continually trustworthy, avoiding opportunities to slip back into the wrongful behavior.

Let's go back to Vicki, who concludes this topic very well: "When I look back on how thankful and lucky I was to be with someone as thoughtful and caring and understanding as my boyfriend, who had the strength to look beyond my stupid mistake, it makes it easier to give other people a second chance if they hurt me because I want people to feel how I felt, because it feels wonderful to be forgiven."

For more help with forgiveness, read my blog on what happens when you don't forgive. 

Check out this free eBook from TheHopeLine on Forgiveness!

What Does It Mean to Have Self-Respect?

Understanding self-respect starts with understanding respect in general. Respecting someone is honoring their dignity and treating them like a human being. Do you honor your own humanity, rather than tearing yourself down or hating yourself? If so, you're building self-respect.

If you've been through trauma, have been abused, or have been betrayed by a friend, spouse, or partner, it can be hard to respect yourself. After all, the people who hurt you did not respect you, so you may have started believing you were unworthy of respect. But because you were created for a unique purpose, and there's no one like you, you are worthy of respect and dignity.

To work on self-respect, remind yourself of your accomplishments, celebrate how far you've come, and acknowledge how much you've grown. Decide that you will invest your time and energy into relationships with people who treat you with care and respect.

If someone disrespects you, let them know you are hurt, and that it is not okay to treat you with unkindness and disrespect. The more you see others' model kindness and respect. and the more often you accept and celebrate your strengths and good qualities, the more you will respect yourself. 

Do You Find It Hard to Respect Yourself? Why?

We all crave respect, no matter who we are. Yet it is very difficult to respect others when you don't even respect yourself.
It’s been said, “You can’t like another person, until you like yourself.”

So, let’s look at this…How can you show yourself the same kind of respect you want to show others and want them to show you?

When you don’t like or love yourself, much less respect yourself, you will always find a way to live your life blaming other people for all the pain you’re feeling, resulting in your life being consumed by anger, frustration and depression.

Katie commented with a very clear definition of self-respect, calling it "a pride in self." "To have self-respect is to take yourself for who you are to wake up and forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made. If you focus on the bad actions that you’ve done, you cave yourself into darkness and can’t see the good in life, which is what a lot of teenagers do. When you are down, try to remember the good that you’ve done and not the bad, because focusing on negative thoughts leads you to nothingness in the end. It’s hard to overcome some self-respect issues, but when you’re able to look in the mirror and smile and tell yourself you’re a beautiful person, it is an amazing feeling." Katie is right, a healthy self-respect is based on viewing yourself in a positive light.

8 Ways to Help You Build a Healthy Respect for Yourself

1. Don’t Let Other People’s Opinions About You Control You. There are many people who allow themselves to be forever shaped by what others have said or done to them. These people easily become approval addicts. They never really tune into their own needs. It’s like they are saying, “Please love me, so I can love myself. Please accept me, so I can accept myself.” These people will always feel a shortage of self-respect because they never allow themselves to break free from the grip of others.

2. Don’t Speak Badly About Yourself. Don’t let your mistakes or weaknesses define who you are. Don’t say, “I’m a loser, no one loves me, I hate myself.” You will soon believe what you say. On the other hand, if you say to yourself, “I am a person worth loving and respecting,” you will start to believe it about yourself. Remind yourself of your strengths and the qualities you have to offer others. Ericka has some insight into how she has learned to respect herself. "I made friends with people like me, got rid of friends that put me down, and before I knew it, I was happier than ever before. No one can truly understand the way you think, the way you do things and act. Being different is a blessing, not a curse. So, respecting yourself is to love who you are and love your personality."

3. Don’t Let Anybody Force You to Be or Do Anything You Don’t Want to Do or Be, Simply to Gain Their Approval or Friendship. There is an old saying that says, “To yourself, always be true.” This isn’t a me-first kind of thinking that reeks of arrogance. It means not letting other people tell you what to do or think. Cynthia agrees with Ericka that to respect yourself, you have to know who you are. "You need to know your strengths, weaknesses, and emotions really well. You need to get more familiar with yourself and not become something that others want you to be, because that does not in any way show that you respect yourself cause you’d be willing to change just to please [others]." I agree with this, unless we’re talking about God or your parents encouraging you to be the person they see you have the potential of becoming.

4. Don’t Violate Your Own Moral Codes. There will always be people who treat themselves with poor self-respect, because they have done disrespectful things or violated their own moral code and hate themselves for it. There is a saying among some psychologists which states, “If you think better, you will act better. And if you act better, you will feel better.” I couldn’t agree more. The opposite is also true. If you think poorly, you will act poorly. And if you act poorly, you will feel poorly. Your self-respect will be extremely low, and unhappiness will be your constant companion.

5. Control Your Emotions. A part of respecting yourself is learning how to handle your emotions without causing more problems for yourself. When we let our rage and hurt out in a damaging way, it only causes us to embarrass ourselves, destroy relationships, and leads to low self-respect.

6.  Increase Your Knowledge. Develop interests and passions. Find a hobby. Learn as much as you can. Learning about things going on in the world around you will expand your brainpower and understanding, and will let you speak intelligently to a wide variety of people you meet. As you explore all the different opportunities this world has to offer, you will learn more about what you personally have to offer back to the people around you. There are so many people who live in such a small world, they feel others would never value their opinions and what they know. They see themselves as stupid or dumb. The way you see yourself is the way you'll act. It happens every time.

7.  Seek a Relationship With God. To know that God loves and respects you is the very foundation of self-respect. After all, God knows all about us and still loves us. Shelby has learned that to respect herself she has to try and see herself as God sees her.
"He created all of us special. Have you ever made something, like drawing a picture, and it was just amazing? And you were so proud of it, even though you didn't think you had it in you to make that? Now take that and imagine how God must feel about creating us! Since I've looked at myself that way I've seen a whole different me in the mirror every day. Even without my makeup!"

8.  Be Responsible. Do the things you need to do. Janice commented with a list of practical ways to show self-respect: Take care of yourself. Brush your teeth, comb your hair, dress nicely (not to bring attention, either over-fashionably or sloppily), don’t overeat (or under-eat!), eat what is good for you, and drink water. More importantly, to take care of yourself, read your Bible and pray. Just doing what you know is the right thing to do will cause your self-respect to skyrocket – whether it’s doing your homework, chores around the house, or showing up to work on time.

Here Are a Few More Quick Ideas About Self-Respect:

1. Respect others.

2. Be quick to forgive others.

3. Be friendly to everyone you meet. Friendly people are never miserable people.

4. Hang around encouraging people who are doing positive things.

5. Don't lie. When you continually tell the truth, you give yourself the priceless gift of a clear conscience.

6. Make good decisions.

Lisa wrapped up what I’ve been trying to say in one just powerful comment. "I never thought that I needed to learn to respect myself, but I realize that almost everyone is lacking in this area, no matter if you have thousands of friends or just one. In the end, everyone is looking to be accepted."

It's important that you pay attention to the negative self-talk that is going on. To learn how to protect yourself from negative self-talk read this blog.

So many people I talk to are struggling with some kind of relationship issue….most often a relationship with a boyfriend or girlfriend. Just about everyone seems so hungry for insight and wisdom into how to make a relationship with their bf/gf work better. One of the best ways to make a stronger, more long-lasting relationship is by learning how to treat each other with respect.

I have come to the conclusion that everyone longs to be respected. What is respect? Respect is showing someone extra special attention, or high regard, based on a desire to show them how highly they are valued.

The desire to be respected by someone of the opposite sex is something that runs deep within everyone, even though most people don’t take the time to find someone who truly respects them. It seems like people are just looking for someone to show them the slightest amount of attention, settling for something much less than respect. I am convinced one of the best ways to help any relationship grow is by showing respect.

How does this play out in real life? For example, how does a guy show respect to a girl? How does he show her she is valuable to him? I’ve come up with a list of ten things.

How Does a Guy Show Respect to A Girl?

1. He talks with her in a courteous way. 

Put another way, he doesn't talk trash to her. He doesn't swear, tell dirty jokes, or use filthy words around her. Making jokes about her body, is never appropriate or talking behind her back. He never texts her with cruel or biting comments, and he is there to defend her if somebody does. Kaitlyn wrote, "Guys should respect the girl by always encouraging her and NEVER ever putting her down in any way!" Jose said the way he shows respect to girls is by talking to them in a positive, affirming way. "I do not strip them of their dignity, like many guys do. Many guys my age feel it's okay to make remarks about their bodies in a sexual way, and they have to know that it's not okay. It's wrong. Girls deserve all the respect they can get, and more, but our society isn't doing that."

2. He will never try to take advantage of her sexually. 

This is a big one. Sarah agrees, "My wonderful boyfriend shows respect to me by not pressuring me to do things I don't want to do." Brittany uses the word "no" to find out if a guy respects her. "I know they respect me when I say no and they lay off me and aren't grabbing at me all the time." Kaitlyn said a girl should be seen as a treasure, not a magnet for the guys to be attached to. "If the guy wants you only for a sexual relationship then he has no respect for you. He is only thinking about himself and how that one night or so will benefit him and his social status."

3. He gives her time and attention.

All women love the gift of time and attention. It's a gift that can't be bought. It's also a gift she can clearly see and experience. A guy gives her this gift by talking with her and asking questions about her life. He refuses to brag about his own accomplishments to try and impress her. Amy expressed how when a guy truly respects her, she can feel it. "He shows it by his actions, by his words, by the way he looks into your eyes. When a guy respects you he listens to your feelings, and even if he doesn't agree with them, he lets you express them to him. When a guy respects you he knows that small things matter to a woman, something as [simple] as giving you his jacket when you're cold or holding open a door."

4. He knows when to joke and when to be serious.

Dobrinka said there are a lot of guys, when hanging out with their girlfriend, who act as if they are with their guy friends. "Girls are more sensitive in certain situations, and guys don't always know when to be serious and when they can be playful and joke about stuff. If a guy truly understands you and your feelings then he should know when is the right time to be serious about a situation and when is the right time to play around."

5. He doesn't flirt with other girls.

When a guy is dating a girl and he flirts with other girls, he shows her he’s not committed to her, and that she is no more special to him than all the other girls. Erin had a bad experience with a guy who did this. "The guy I just broke up with, I broke up with because he flirted with other girls right in front of me…not respectful at all!"

6. He points out her strengths. 

Let her know how amazing she is and how impressed you are by her talents and gifts. Everyone needs to be encouraged.

7. He shows respect for her family and her friends. 

Let’s face it. A person’s family has a huge impact on the person you are dating. To disrespect that family is to disregard one of the most vital parts of their life. Celeste said this is really important to her. If you respect her, you should also show respect to her parents, siblings etc. Even if you don’t get along with them.

8. He helps her feel welcome and comfortable in a group of other people, especially in a group of guys. 

No girl wants to look stupid or feel uncomfortable in front of other people, especially guys. Many guys have made the horrible mistake of ignoring or belittling his girlfriend in front of his buddies. This is relational sabotage.

9. He is trustworthy.

Keep your word and do what you say. Lynn has some advice for guys, "Girls take what you say to heart. Say what you mean, and mean what you say."

10. He trusts her. 

You can show tremendous respect to your girlfriend by showing her you trust her. Celeste said a big way to show respect is to give her the space she wants and needs. "If she says she’s going out with her friends, then she’s going out with her friends. Let her go have fun without calling her every five minutes to see what she’s doing…she’ll call you when she gets home. She doesn’t need to check in with you...you’re not her dad."

Show me a guy who treats women with respect, I will show you a guy who receives respect in return.

I’ll leave you with a great comment I received from Jonathan who said the best way a guy can show respect to a girl is by recognizing that she is a precious creature carefully crafted by God: Once this realization sets in most everything else will follow. "Holding the door, listening, being sensitive to their needs and sensitivities, treating them like people and not sex objects, opening the car door, walking them home, listening and talking to their face and not their chest, defending them verbally and, should the need arise, physically…I could go on. Everything in this world is a gift from God, and women are the most beautiful, precious gift of all. That fact alone charges us to give them all the respect we can."

I've also written a blog about how a girl can show respect to a guy. Showing respect is a two-way street. If you are in a relationship, these two blogs could serve as a great discussion starter.

There are a lot of broken hearts out there. People go into relationships believing if they date someone, they will be happy and eventually find the right person and live happily ever after. However, somewhere along the road to finding Mr. Right, all kinds of things go wrong.

One reason why so many girls get their hearts broken is that they date the wrong guys. I’m convinced most young women don’t have any guidelines for the kind of person they will date. So, if some guy comes along and he’s hot or shows them a little attention, they will date him. Often, they jump in without any idea as to who this guy really is. It’s like they’re rolling the dice, hoping they’ll come up lucky. Sadly, most of the time they do not. The odds are stacked against them.

I got a really cool comment from a girl named Keriann. She said, "Before I started dating, I made a list. I know it sounds corny, but I made a list of the things that a guy would have to do or be to date me."

I don’t think that’s corny at all. Every young woman should have a list of qualities they want in a guy they date. It doesn’t hurt one bit to be picky when it comes to dating guys. In fact, it’s okay not to date at all. In all of my years of working with teenagers and young adults, I have never seen or heard of someone dying because they didn’t have a boyfriend. I have heard of a lot of girls who died inside or had their hearts broken because they dated the wrong guy.

So, What About Finding the Right Guy?

What can you do? I’m going to suggest 4 questions every young woman should ask herself before going out on a date. And then I will tell you 4 important things needed to give a relationship a good foundation. These 8 things all point to important characteristics you should be looking for.

The 4 Questions for Finding the Right Guy:

 

1. Good Reputation - If you are going to date this guy, do you know enough about him?

Everybody has a reputation, including the person who has just asked you out. There’s an old saying that goes, 'The street seldom lies."

Talk to people who know him and that will help you see the real him. (Jessica) Usually, a person’s reputation at his school or where he lives is pretty close to accurate. Look at how he has been in past relationships like has this person cheated?

(Kiah) Unless he has had a radical change in his life, if he has cheated on other people, he is likely to cheat on you.
Talk to your most trusted friends about him. They can also help you. They can ask his friends about who this guy really is. Your friends will almost always tell you the honest truth, even if it hurts. Remember, when you’re not willing to listen to good advice, you’re almost always walking into trouble.

2. Spiritual Beliefs - If you are going to date this guy, are you on the same page spiritually?

There are no deeper thoughts or values than those that come from our spiritual being. What we believe spiritually will tell us a lot about our values and how we look at our world. Without agreeing on spiritual beliefs, most relationships will crumble. Our spiritual beliefs also are a guide to what we are morally. What we are morally will affect every area of our life. That is why you should find out what his moral beliefs are.

3. Respects You - If you are going to date this guy, does he treat you with tremendous respect?

By respect, I mean the willingness to show consideration or appreciation. All of us want to be appreciated and be shown consideration. Lack of respect will destroy a relationship faster than just about anything else. Without real respect, it is impossible to have a healthy relationship. One of the ways you can find out whether or not he will show you respect is how he treats others.

For example, Katie advised, [Does he] respect his mom? If a man doesn’t respect his mom, even if it’s just because she brought him into this world, then don’t be with him.

Or as Elizabeth said, “The way that a man treats his mother is an almost guaranteed to tell you how he will treat you.”
You could ask other questions about your potential date. How does he treat his sister? Teachers? Friends? But also, look at how he treats inferiors. Bottom line - only date a guy who treats you with respect. You will show yourself, and the world, you respect yourself.

4. Trustworthy - If you are going to date this guy, can you trust him?

No relationship can last without trust because trust is the foundation of all relationships. Trust is something that is earned. When somebody has the reputation of being trustworthy, he/she have earned something priceless because others can put their faith in him/her. You have no doubt heard the saying, You’re only as good as your word. Therefore, you need to ask some very tough questions about the guy you’re thinking about dating.

Can you trust him to treat you with respect? Protect your safety? Not take advantage of you. Speak well of you? Tell you the truth? Be faithful to you? To be with your family? To be at a party with? To confide in. These and other questions are extremely important. I think that the most important thing for a girl to look for in a guy is honesty. Without honesty, every single other quality can’t help the relationship, because there is no trust. (Chad)

4 Foundations for a Strong Relationship:

 

1. Loves you for you - The best, long-lasting relationships are built on love…not lust, not popularity, not need.

Love is about serving, giving, honoring, putting the other before self, wanting the very best for someone else, in other words, the best relationships are between two people, both of whom are givers, not takers. When two needy people get together, there is just not enough giving and not enough sacrificial love to go around.

2. Secure in Himself - Secure people build secure relationships.

The foundation for a strong relationship is when some fundamental things are settled before you get started…like already knowing that you are loved, already knowing you have tremendous worth and value, and already knowing there is a great purpose and plan for your life.

If you are desperate to get those things from a boyfriend or girlfriend, then there is a high probability you are going to be hurt, disappointed, and maybe even cheated on. Those qualities (knowing you are loved, a sense of self-worth, and sense of purpose) are things you get from other relationships with family, with friends, and from God.

3. Well-Rounded - There is a balance in all good relationships.

That is not an easy thing to get your head around, but it works something like this: The worse guys to date are those who are looking for girls who will worship them day and night. Stay away from those guys. It is almost always going to turn out badly. You want to be someone’s girlfriend, not their slave.

The best guys are turned off by girls whose only interest is in their boyfriend. No outside interests, no passions, no dreams except for the guy she is dating. That is more than a turn-off, that is downright terrifying for a lot of guys.

On the other side of the balancing scale, guys are less interested in girls who are so caught up in their own worlds, they have little time for them as a boyfriend. Figuring out how to be strong individuals who also have a strong connection with each other is what puts concrete into the foundation of a relationship.

4. Worth waiting for - Don’t settle, be patient and willing to wait.

Here is a little paradox. Sometimes you will find the best guy / the right guy / the relationship guy when you are not looking for him. And he may not be looking for you either. It is not that you don’t keep your eyes open. What I mean is that two people are focused on building their own lives and pursuing their own dreams. One day a guy like that looks around and notices a girl with her own dreams, ambitions, and pursuits. They are attracted to each other physically, but they also have a deep connection, admiration, and affection for one another. That is the kind of relationship worth waiting for.