Okay, so What is The Real Meaning of Christmas?

In the previous blog on How to Give a Gift that Matters, I talked about how materialistically crazy Christmas has become. For many, especially children, the meaning of Christmas is simply how many good presents they get. But as we all know (hopefully), that's not the real meaning of Christmas.

As we get older, we realize that there's more to it than presents. Every now and then there will be a movie or news story on television about some truly generous giver. And with that, we are reminded of a better perspective on the holidays; that it is like Jesus said, "More blessed to give than to receive."

So then, the real meaning of Christmas is giving, right?  Well actually, no.

For many, Christmas is either merry or depressing because of how many good presents they are able to give. And for some, because their financial situation makes it very difficult to give, they have come to hate the Christmas holidays because of all the giving. Whether your focus is on getting presents or on giving presents - either way, the true meaning of Christmas is NOT about the presents.

So, if the true meaning of Christmas is not about giving or receiving presents, then what?

Many Facebook and blog comments state that the most difficult part of Christmas for them was missing a person who was not with them anymore.

Amanda wrote: The best part of Christmas is being with my family. The worst part is not having my grandfather here anymore. He passed away in August of 2010, 3 weeks before my birthday. He always was the life of every family gathering, especially Christmas when he dressed up as Santa. Every year when he dressed up, I always had a picture taken with him...I'm only 22 and he's been my everything. It's hard knowing he's not here. He got me Santa figurines every year as a present. Now I buy one every year to remember him.

Tragedy will always help us recalibrate our values. It shakes us up and brings us back to reality. Those of you who are regular listeners to DM LIVE radio program or who follow us on Facebook, know about the tragedy in my family; my son, Fulton, was seriously injured in a car accident and was in a coma. There was great uncertainty about if and when he would come out of the coma.

It's like the old Cat Stephens' song (way before your time) "You don't know what you've got till it's gone. "With my son Fulton's accident, I have been forced to stare this truth in the face. Yes, I'm just like the rest of you, and especially like those for whom tragedy (or near-tragedy) is a reminder to us of what is really important. Christmas is so much more than presents, receiving them or even giving them.

So then, the real meaning of Christmas is about the people in your life that you love - right?

As much as I feel the importance of loved ones at this moment (and will be reminded of it every Christmas for the rest of my life), no, that's not the real meaning of Christmas. There are people all over the world who love their friends and family, but who do not celebrate Christmas.

Okay, so what is the real meaning of Christmas?

I'm no Scrooge. Christmas is partly about giving and receiving gifts and it is about celebrating the family and friends in our lives. But the real meaning of Christmas is something even higher, bigger, and infinitely better than all of that.

Christmas is about totally pure, unconditional, irrepressible, inconceivably awesome, self-denying TRUE LOVE.

John was one of twelve disciples of Jesus, and he wrote the book in the Bible known as The Gospel of John. The word gospel means Good News.

John, Disciple of Jesus, wrote: For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16)

I like what Michelle wrote on our Facebook page. I could easily understand how Christmas could be the worst time of the year for her. But she seems to have put it all together, realizing the importance of the people in her life, the real meaning of Christmas, and because of both of those things, the true joy of giving.

Michelle wrote: The hardest part of Christmas was losing my mom on December 26th to cancer. The Best part of Christmas is celebrating the true reason for the season—the birth of baby Jesus and the HOPE He brings to all. Another best part of Christmas for me is visiting the cancer center where my mom had treatments and giving a teddy bear to a cancer patient from Build-A-Bear workshop in honor and in memory of my mom. Bittersweet moment but well worth the tears :o)

Merry Christmas to you all!

Holidays can be the best of times or the worst of times.

And holidays with separated parents can be especially difficult.

Tyler said, The most difficult part of any holiday for me is being rushed between my parents' houses. I feel bad about leaving one parent for the other.

How many of you have had to eat two turkey dinners in one day? Or have you heard one parent complain about the amount of time you spent at the other parent's home? Here are just a few of the issues that are unique to those of you who are spending your holidays with separated parents:

• Parents picking up where they left off criticizing the other and trying to recruit you to their side.
• Parents spending money they don't have, trying either to work off their guilt or to buy your affection.
• One parent getting offended because you spent one-half day longer with the other parent.
• Opposing families arguing about where you will go and when.
• Your Christmas plans being dictated by some legal document.
• Anger about what the separation has done to your holidays.
• Never having a choice in what happens or where you have to go.

Just when you think things can't get any more complicated, separated parents remarry and then you have to deal with all the "steps" - stepmother, stepfather, stepbrothers, stepsisters, and even step-relatives. I read about one couple in their second year of marriage. Negotiating their holiday plans with their separated and remarried parents became so stressful that they had to see a therapist to cope with the pressure.

Anna wrote: The most difficult part of Christmas is spending it without my father and his family. I don't know any of my mother's family, so gatherings are extremely awkward. Holidays are just all around lonely and depressing for me; I just don't find happiness in them anymore.

Even though the holidays can be really tough, I want to give you some ideas and ways to make this year's holiday better. You may not get to decide where you spend the holidays, but you can have a positive impact in other ways. You can survive this!

Here are 5 Tips for Surviving the Holidays with Separated Parents

Stephanie wrote: Probably the most difficult part of Christmas for me is seeing how much things or life in general have changed from one year to the next and how things can never be as they once were.

• Get ahead of the competition. Make your Christmas list and encourage parents to go in together. In other words, try to reduce the competition between them. It may sound good at first having parents competing to buy your loyalty or to make up for what the separation had done to your life. But the extra stress between separate parents is not worth the extra stuff.
• Set some boundaries. The rules and boundaries for those of you with separated parents can get really crazy, especially when it comes to the holidays. A boundary is like a limit or a protective fence around yourself. An emotional boundary protects you from the negativity of warring parents. For instance, you can say, "I am not going to listen to, or participate in conversations that run down the other parent." You can also physically create a boundary by walking out of the room when negative talk erupts.
• Change your focus. Instead of dwelling on how terrible the holidays are with separated parents, several listeners commented that the most difficult part of the holidays for them is being aware of people who have far less. Even when family members can't find anything to agree on, they can always find someone they can all feel good about helping. If you dread the Christmas holidays because they are so materialistic or because they highlights aspects of your family that anger or depress you, try this: Start a new tradition by getting as many in your family as possible involved in doing something for someone less fortunate. There are lots of ways to do this - serve a meal at a homeless shelter, bake cookies for an elderly neighbor, write letters to our military soldiers who won't be home for the holidays, and more. Even if your family doesn't want to do it with you, just your own service to someone in need will change your whole perspective.
• Take care of your health. Because the holidays can be so emotionally stressful, you need to be mindful of your own health. Depression can set in when everything around you is in chaos and out of your control. Download TheHopeLine eBook on depression so you can be informed and have practical ways to cope. Exercise is great for increasing endorphins - the feel-good chemicals in our brains. Sometimes just going for a walk can lift your spirit and clear your head.
• Spend time with friends.

Even though you are obligated - or court-ordered - to spend the holidays with your separated parents, make some time to see your friends as well. Even if it is just a phone call, a friend can make you laugh or give words of encouragement. And if a friend is not available remember our HopeCoaches are available 24/7 to chat online with you. Sometimes just venting to someone about the stress you are feeling can really release a lot of the anxiety.

Just know that I am thinking about you during the holiday season. TheHopeLine and I are here for you. We know you can make this holiday the best one yet!

Most Everybody, at One Time or Another, Has Lied

Tell the truth now: that includes you and me. In fact, some people, sad to say, lie almost all the time.

Psychologists call these people compulsive or psychopathic liars. They tell lies even when they don't have to. Even the youngest of children will lie, especially if they think by doing it, they won't get punished for something. When children first learn how lying works, they lack the moral understanding of when to refrain from doing it.

Because lying can have such destructive and harmful consequences to both the liar and the one being lied to, I've written several blogs on this topic.

There are different kinds of lies, as well as different degrees of lying. It seems so many people I talk to have a problem with lying whether it's their own, or someone else's.

While maybe everybody lies at some point, few understand how destructive it can be, why we do it, and how to stop it. So, let's answer those questions.

Let's begin by defining what lying is:

Lying is saying something with the intent of creating a false belief or impression. It's an attempt to get someone to believe something that is not true.

Lying - Self Evaluation

• How many lies do you think you have told this last week?
• Who did you tell the lies to?
• Why did you tell the lies?
• How do you feel about the lies you told now?

Sometimes a lie might seem unintentional, or it may have been told to save someone else's feelings. For example, someone may say to another, "That sure is a pretty dress!", when the person knows it's ugly. We all have the capacity to lie.

Why Do People Lie?

FEAR

It was Tad Williams who said, "We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger." People can be so afraid of what might happen if they told the truth. Maybe they have done something wrong and are afraid of the consequences of their actions, so they lie to cover up what they did. As is often said about political scandals: It's not the crime that gets you in trouble, nearly as much as the cover-up.

MANIPULATION

Lies are typically motivated by a desire to get other people to either do something or not do something, or to make a decision in the favor of the person doing the lying. Someone might lie to get something they desire such as sex, money, status, power, love, etc. Lori said: "I'm young, but I realized quickly lustful people know how to get what they want, even if it means lying to you about how they feel." Probably the word love is used in more lives than any other. How often a guy will say to a girl (or vice versa), "I love you", simply to get the other person emotionally stirred up, so they can be more easily manipulated.

PRIDE

Many times, a person will lie because of pride. They use it for nothing more than a tool to create a favorable image of themselves. This leads to exaggeration, which is a form of lying. Often people will create fascinating, yet completely false, stories to improve their image.

Bottom line: We deceive other people because we think it serves our purposes in some way. And it's easy!

What's the Big Deal About Lying?

It becomes an addiction.

When you get away with a lie it often drives you to continue your deceptions, and in the process, we ruin relationships, hurt others, lose our integrity, and lose our peace. Truth becomes a feared enemy of the liar. It's a sick and tragic cycle that doesn't ever have a happy ending.

Lying may seem simple and harmless at first, but just like any addiction, you'll soon find yourself trapped and entangled more than you could have ever imagined.

Liars don't have peace

 Lying is extremely stressful. It causes you to be constantly looking over your shoulder and wondering who might be finding you out. You're always running through the lies you've told in your head, trying to keep track of what you've told to which person, and what's the next lie you need to tell. When you're honest, you don't have those worries or the negative consequences of your lies.

Roselyn commented: "I can say that not lying is a very relaxing way of life." The fact that you don't have to worry about remembering old lies or getting in trouble later on when the truth comes out (because it always does) puts a lot more relief in your life. Even when it's hard, telling the truth always has a better outcome than a bunch of lies.

Lies ruin relationships

 People are constantly looking to see who they can trust and who they can't. People are actually much more perceptive and aware of who tells the truth and who doesn't. Over time, honesty shows itself as a trait that is beautiful and deeply respected.  Liars are not respected.

This is true in all our relationships whether it's dating, family, friends, or at work. Macey put it so well: "It's always best, to be honest. It makes any and every relationship strong and healthy."

Someone commented about the value of being honest: "I used to lie a lot. I would lie only because it was easier than explaining the truth. And I have finally grown to realize that it's easier to [be honest]. Being honest and open has actually gotten me further than lying. My parents trust me, and I feel good about myself. And when you feel good about yourself then you know that everything is okay." This person has come to realize that when we tell the truth and live it, we become emotionally and spiritually stronger every day.

Telling the Truth Increases Security

It stands to reason that if you are not always working to stay one lie ahead of your last lie, you will be more at peace and have greater security in your relationships with others.  The wisest man in the Bible, King Solomon, understood this well. He wrote, "Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but he who makes his ways crooked will be found out." Proverbs 10:9

God speaks of the dangers of lying often in the Bible. In fact, "Do not lie" is one of the 10 Commandments. God understands how much pain lying brings to both the liar and those being lied to and so He tells us not to lie in order to protect us from pain. The Bible also says, "For all that is secret will eventually be brought into the open, and everything that is concealed will be brought to light and made known to all." Luke 8:17

Here is more of what God says about lying - Verses of Hope for Struggling with Lying

Following God can offer so much security in many aspects of life. For more on a relationship with God read Learn More About God

Honesty Challenge

I want to offer up a challenge to all of us. Would you be willing to commit to a life of honesty and integrity? If you're up for this life-changing challenge, please write me a comment below, and tell a friend about your commitment too.

Has lying become a part of your everyday life? Need more help? Listen to Dawson's Podcast, How Can I Stop Lying - EP -19.

I find that many teens and young adults today often have interesting living arrangements.  For one reason or another they find themselves without a place to call home.  They are living on a friend's couch or in their car or couch hopping from one place to another.  Listen to this call I took from Daniel.  He was trying to make it all work, but sometimes it's just too much.
https://s3-us-west-2.amazonaws.com/thehopeline-media/THL+Radio+Clips/Homeles-Daniel+23+Miami+FL_Living+in+his+car.mp3

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Related Posts:
5 Amazing Reasons Why You Matter
Confessions of a Dyslexic Pretty Girl
‘Identity’: A Chat with Christian Recording Artist Colton Dixon

Since Daniel had the option of returning to his parent's home, I advised him to do just that.  However, I realize that isn't always an option.  If you are trying your best to hold it together and make it all work out, even though you don't have a place to call your own, here are a few things to think about.

Seven Things to Do if You Don’t Have a Home

1. Forgive those that have hurt you. So, you didn't just end up on someone's couch out of the blue, whether it's your parents, grandparents, a boyfriend or girlfriend, whoever, work on forgiving whoever hurt you.  It could even be yourself.  Forgive yourself or someone else for what they have done to you.  It will only cause you to be bitter and angry if you hold onto the pain, they've caused you.

2. Make a plan and set goals. Start to figure out what your next step should be.  If you don't have a job, then that might be the very first thing you need to do in order to move forward.  If you have a job, then your next step might be getting reliable transportation.  If you have both reliable transportation and a job then you might need to think about how long it will take you to save up to get your own place, maybe start looking for a roommate and a place to rent.

3. Clean up and help out. There's nothing worse than having someone crash at your house and eat your food, make a mess, and leave their stuff everywhere.  Make sure if you have to stay with a friend or family member, keep your things cleaned up, help out around the house, help cook and buy a few groceries or toilet paper when you can.

4. Be grateful. Your friend will be more likely to let you stay if you have followed the steps from above, but also if you tell them how thankful you are for letting you crash at their place.  After all, you might be on the streets if it weren't for their help.

5. Don't be too critical of yourself.  You don't have to be perfect.  You are allowed to make mistakes.  If you make a mistake, then try to learn from that mistake.  One step at a time.  Winston Churchill said it well: Success is not final; failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts. 

6. Don't give up. There is always hope so don't give up on that hope.  It may feel like you will never get your life on track.  It may feel like you will never get your own place, but you can, and you will.

7. Give it time.  It's going to take time to get back on your feet, repair broken relationships, get a job, save up money, and be able to find a place to live.  These things in life do not happen overnight.  Don't rush into anything just because do things with purpose.

You can do this!  I believe in you!

 

It seems everyone has been affected one way or the other by lies. Everyone agrees lying is a destructive habit that hurts you and everyone around you. So, I want to talk about the powerful and damaging effects of lying. So how does lying hurt all of us?

Everyone agrees that lying hurts you and everyone around you.

Lying Destroys Relationships

If you've ever been lied to, you know how difficult it can be to ever trust that person again. You can't help but wonder why a friend or family member would treat you so poorly. I received a comment from Brooke, who said: My dad lies to us (my brothers and I) about going out to bars and drinking. He doesn't think we will find out, but he is always wrong! I tell him how much it hurts us each time he does lie but he just keeps on lying. The worst lie he has told me was that he was with my brother and not at the bar, but I was with my brother.

When you lie, even if you think others will never find out, you will almost certainly create a barrier of hurt in your relationship. Rebecca said: I am a single mom of a teenage daughter. Her continuous lies have created a huge barrier in our relationship. I always catch her in lies and it hurts. The lying escalated to sneaking around doing things with friends I don't approve of and that hurts.

Unfortunately, when the other person finds out about your lying, and they usually do, it's nearly impossible to regain trust. This has been Ally's experience. She said: Once someone has lied to you, it somehow always happens again.

Unfortunately, when the other person finds out about your lying, and they usually do, it's nearly impossible to regain trust.

Jessie said: When I was little, I told lies all the time, and never felt guilty about them. But then something happened that I needed to tell someone about, and nobody believed me. My early lying paved the way for years of heartache. Now, I never lie. Ever. It's just not worth it. When you need the trust of others that you've lost, it's the worst feeling in the world.

So, what do you want your relationships to be based on? Lies that you tell, in order to protect yourself, or to avoid conflict. Or do you want relationships to be based on a commitment to honesty and integrity, regardless of the hard times? It's up to you to decide.

When you lie, it's like putting a giant rock on your back and having to carry it around everywhere you go.

Lying Destroys You with its Vicious Cycle

When you continue to lie, it's like putting a giant rock on your back and having to carry it around everywhere you go. It is a relationship destroyer that ends up destroying you.

A fellow blogger wrote to me about his problem with lying: I have a lying problem and it has been causing issues ever since I was a little kid. The worst part is how I have to constantly break ties with people so I won't get caught in the lies I've told. So time and time again I find myself all alone, with no friends and a lot of places I have to avoid. And I can't even blame anybody else because it's my fault for telling those lies in the first place and then not being able to face up to them.

Lying destroys us because it takes us into a vicious cycle that is extremely difficult to get free from. Once you tell a lie, you usually have to lie again to cover up the first lie, and you feel even worse. Steven H. said: Lies grow, they never stand alone, they need more lies to support the first lie. So, if you don't fess up immediately...it grows like a cancer. It cannot be stopped. 

Whitney said: "For me lying is like a drug, an addiction. I have become used to lying - it comes out without me even thinking or realizing I am doing it. To me, lying is so bad I sometimes think I'm lying to myself."

It's time for you to make a bold decision to never let lies have any part of your life.

People who are trapped in a cycle of lying become controlled by a fear of not only being found out as a liar, but also having the truth uncovered about themselves. Jordan said: "I've lied to my parents a lot. They know almost nothing about me, except for who I pretend to be. I wish I could clear the air with them but I know they wouldn't accept the true me, so instead I lie to please them. I wish I had told the truth." Jordan fails to understand that he can clear the air with his parents and have the freedom of walking in the truth.

It all comes down to this: Lying comes with a huge cost - it destroys lives. Relationships will crumble and people will refuse to trust you. But the person most hurt by your lying is you. It's time for all of us to make a bold decision to never let lies have any part of our lives. Are you up for it?

You can overcome your compulsive lying habit! Listen to my podcast, where I help three people struggling with a lying habit that is destroying their lives.

 

Abusive Dating Relationships

FACT: 1 in 3 teens know a friend or peer who has been hit, punched, kicked, slapped, choked or physically hurt by their partner. That adds up to over 2 million women 25 and younger who are being abused by their boyfriends. One female abused by her boyfriend is too many. Two million is a tragedy.

But why? Why does this happen? Why are there so many young women who allow themselves to be abused? I asked you to help me by sending in your comments. What you had to say helped me understand so much better why this tragedy happens. So, let's get on with it.

Abuser is Manipulative

Many abused girls stay in an abusive relationship because their abuser is often charming, persuasive, and manipulative. It's not like an abusive guy walks around with a big A tattooed on his forehead saying, Hey everybody. Look at me. I'm an abuser. No. He looks just like anybody else, and often has a very charming way about him. That is why so many people cannot believe he's abusive. At the beginning of the relationship, everything seems so wonderful. The romance goes into a whirlwind, full of excitement and attention and gifts at unexpected times. Mr. Charming talks much about love and quickly tells his new girlfriend she is the one for him and he is truly in love with her. Usually, the girl has never met someone so amazing. But what she does not understand is right beneath the veneer of charm and charisma is an angry, controlling, cruel, troubled young man who is about to put her through hell. Sooner or later, his true colors show through. Little by little, he turns on her. First in little ways: The put-downs, the jealousy, the controlling of her every move. While this relationship may still be exciting to her, it soon escalates into something ugly, degrading, and heartbreaking. Nobody deserves to be treated like this, not even from Mr. Charming. It took Bekka quite a while to figure all this out:

I was with an emotionally and mentally abusive guy for about a year. I stayed with him because he was a smooth talker and very manipulative. I didn't see it then until the very end. Now I see everything clearly.

Low Self-esteem

Behind every abused teenage girl is the debilitating condition of low self-esteem. Almost every girl who is being abused is basically set up psychologically for it to happen. She often feels so low and unwanted that as long as some guy says he loves her, she will put up with almost anything. She is convinced she does not deserve and will never get a guy any better than the one who is treating her so poorly. Sarah has been there

Girls go after abusive and uncaring guys because they don't think that they deserve any better and/or that they could get any better. Any kind of attention is better than no attention. That's what I thought anyway. A slap across the face from time to time was better than drowning in a room all alone. A few harsh words from a guy who sometimes did love me could be brushed off...when compared to the mouthful of obscenities that would flow from the mouth of my Father.

If you are being abused by your boyfriend, you are suffering from low self-esteem. Your troubled boyfriend wants you to stay that way. But do you really want to stay stuck in that cruel, emotional mud? If not, ask yourself, what must I do to respect myself enough to get away from him?

Abused Think it's Normal 

Most teenage girls who are abused by their boyfriend think it's normal, all just part of their lives. No one deserves to be put down, shoved, hit, controlled, or pressured to have sex. Everyone deserves love and respect as God's children. The only problem is most girls who allow their boyfriends to abuse them don't know that. Because of their dysfunctional family, what is abnormal to everyone else is perfectly normal to them. Jessica nailed it when she wrote

My last relationship was abusive. I gave in because it was what I grew up with. My mother's boyfriend beat her while I was growing up, they were constantly arguing. Then she started hitting me and calling me names. I grew up thinking that was what a relationship was.

Crave the Drama

Is it any wonder why so many abused girls get caught up in sabotaging healthy dating relationships? Let's suppose for a moment a girl who is being hurt by her cruel boyfriend breaks up with him. She then starts dating someone who is kind, loving, and stable. Often, it doesn't take long for her to break off the relationship. Why? A stable relationship is just so foreign to her. There's not enough drama or an adrenaline rush with her new boyfriend. So often she will go back to another hurtful guy. Deb explains this powerful trap so well:

The abusive man and his behaviors is what they have come to know as normal. Therefore when a normal and nice guy comes along, bells and warning signs go off inside them. Something is not right with this guy. They can become untrusting because they do not know what his motives may be. Many times the abusive father says directly or indirectly that nice caring men are wimps. What girl could feel safe with a wimp? Yes safe. Abused girls feel safe with these abusers, believe it or not. The reverse would hold true for a girl who was bought up in a healthy home. Bells and [warning signs] would go off in her head and soul if she went out with an abusive guy, and she would be very distrusting of him.

Think It's Love

It is easy for the abused girl to think she is in love with her abuser, when in fact she's not. What is so loving about being slapped, shoved, cursed, raped, and humiliated? That's not love. No matter what her feelings say, she is not in love, she just feels she is. When you are lost or have low self-esteem, your view of love is distorted. (Tiffany) Why would she feel like she's in love, even when she's being abused? Well, in her heart, at least she's not alone. She has a guy, and he pays her attention, even as cruel as he may be. She is trying very hard in this ugly dating drama to help him and rescue him and that makes her feel better about herself. She doesn't know what he's going to do next, so she's always on edge, obsessing over what he might do. She thinks it's exciting he is suffocatingly jealous of her. She simply does not understand in her warped way of feeling that what she is experiencing is not love. True love shows kindness, respect, understanding, and wants to protect the partner from as much hurt as possible. Sadly, many abused girls don't get it. They truly feel they are in love. How sad.

Get out Now!

There are many other reasons why girls are abused by their boyfriends. But hopefully, this blog will help you get started in understanding why. If you are in an abusive relationship, I beg you to get out of it now. Take some time away from guys. Get to know yourself. Spend time with God. Heal up. And vow never to date an abusive guy again. You're so much better than that.

Have you lost your self-worth? You matter and here are 5 amazing reasons why! 

 

Do you ever feel uncomfortable in social situations, especially around people you've never met?  Are you envious of that person who is always the life of the party, appearing so confident, and having fun, even in new situations?

If you have given up hope that you will ever be less than awkward in a social setting. Or if you believe that you are destined to stick to the back of the room, or hang like a picture against the wall, this blog is for you. I believe there are some things you can do to learn to be more outgoing.

I think most of us face some degree of social anxiety.  There are many different levels ranging from severe (afraid to leave your house) to very mild (not a huge fan of making small talk). But I imagine most of us fall somewhere in the middle.

Some of the ideas I discuss below might work for you some may not, and some may just be a good reminder, but I believe these tips could be a great starting point if you have always wanted to be more outgoing, but just haven't had any idea how to do it.

1. Realize fears are normal. Many of the people in the room are feeling the exact same way you are. Socializing is a perfect opportunity for rejection, and no one wants to be rejected. If you start talking to someone, it's a real possibility they may find you boring.  You can't be fascinating to everybody! But at the same time, there will be some people who think you are interesting and fun to be with, and if you never take a chance, you will never know. So, push through your fears.

Sarah admitted to having worried about getting people to like her: It's natural to worry about whether people will like you or not.

The truth is, some people will like you, and some people won't. You can't control either.

2. Lighten Up Don't take things too seriously. This includes not taking yourself too seriously. It's not the end of the world when something bad happens to you, and many times being able to laugh at yourself, or finding something funny in the situation is not only good for your own sanity, but it's also funny to other people and lightens the mood.

Brandon agrees: A person can be funny if they laugh at themselves and don't take themselves too seriously and is always positive.

3. Start the conversation. When you begin the conversation with someone, you take the pressure off of him or her. Chances are they are feeling as awkward as you are.  Opening a conversation takes some practice to get comfortable with, and you might need to force yourself to do it at first, but it gets easier and more natural.  Do your best to be calm and relaxed. This will encourage others to relax with you.   Try these conversation starters:

• What brings you here today?
• So, where are you from?
• I love your jacket, where did you get it?

4. Know What's Going on The more you know about what's going on in the world of news, entertainment and pop culture, the better your chances are of finding something to talk about. In the course of your conversation, be prepared to talk about something you found interesting. I saw the funniest thing yesterday, did you happen to see this? And then explain what you saw or heard.

Sometimes people might even think you're funny, simply because you revealed your own humorous way of looking at things

5. It's Not About You Ultimately, this is the most important thing. You don't want to be someone who comes across as a person who is just trying to get attention or that person who can't stop talking about themselves.

Melissa admitted to feeling pretty socially awkward most of the time. It's hard to find the balance between not trying at all and trying too hard.

6. Take a sincere interest in the other person. People are flattered when someone takes a sincere interest in them. Keep the conversation about them by asking lots of questions. Key in on the things they bring up and ask follow-up questions to get more information.

David said he loves it when people take an interest in him. If someone asks me a good question about what I do for fun, or what I like, and then really listens, it makes me feel like they could be a friend. That's how I hope to be to other people.

7. Learn to read body language. You don't want to be that person who traps someone in a conversation that they can't escape or to be the last one at the party who hasn't picked up on the fact that it is time to go. Look for non-verbal clues. If you notice them folding their arms, or stepping back, you may be standing too close for their comfort level.  If they are staring over your shoulder, searching the room for someone else, you may need to end the conversation and let them go.  If they start picking up the dishes or yawning a lot, it may be time to go.

8. Take a friend. Entering into a new social situation is always easier if you go with a friend. It helps to know someone who likes you is there cheering you on as you begin reaching out to new people. This is great practice for when you have to be in a social setting alone. However, avoid spending all of your time with your friend, or appearing like you are having a private conversation.

People will think you're not in the mood to socialize.

Remember, your fears are very normal. Just relax.

The people who appear to have an easy time socializing are the ones who have had a lot of practice.

You will find the more you work on some of these points, your fears will decrease, and you will look forward to the new adventures, and interesting people you will meet, as you act with courage and confidence.

For additional help and information on Social Anxiety download our free eBook, Understanding Anxiety!

The False Feel Good

I'm afraid that many times the warning messages to avoid certain addictive behaviors, go in one ear and out the other. The pitch is almost unbelievable, and it gets tuned out. But I have to tell you, the more I read your messages about addictions, and the more I study and write about addictions, the more upset I get. It's like millions of people are just flushing their lives down the toilet, and for what? A cheap thrill and a false feel good to cover over their pain.

How about this? Just so you know I'm not naive, I'll first give you the sales pitch on why you might want to take up an addiction. There must be some positive reasons to take drugs or get drunk or fall into many other addictive behaviors, otherwise people wouldn't continue to do it, right? So, I'm willing to look at the PROS of an addiction if you are willing to look at the CONS as well. I understand that when you are getting the sales pitch on the street or at the party, it's going to sound so worth it. All I'm hoping is that maybe after reading this you might have a voice of truth in the back of your head.

Pro - The Buzz

Addictions, at least at the beginning, make you feel great. I've heard people say, no one ever forgets their first buzz...the magic of their addiction. Drugs (or addictive behaviors) work their charm by traveling to the brain's reward system and telling it to release mega amounts of chemicals like dopamine (high rush), serotonin (euphoric calm), or norepinephrine (adrenaline thrill). So, when these chemicals flood our brain, most people feel very, very good. In fact, they can make you feel so good that the feeling is beyond explanation. You've tried to explain it to me:

The best way I can describe it, is when you're on a roller coaster, and before you take off, they pull you back and you hear the click, or a shift of the coaster and you know you're seconds away from an incredible [but short] trip. As it lets go you feel as if your breath is a few steps behind you. Sadly, it felt amazing. The sting is shocking; breathtaking. A sea of shades of blue drowns me in my thoughts, and after it's over, you exhale. People can't really understand how much of a head rush it is. - Sandy

Con - The Buzz NEVER lasts

The buzz might be good at first, but it comes at a price. Your body quickly builds up a tolerance to the chemicals or activity that gave you the high. As the addict continues using, the brain tries to adapt to the change by reducing the amount of dopamine, serotonin, or norepinephrine it would normally release. This leaves the user needing more of their drug or activity to feel the same effect. So, addicts enter the black hole of chasing the high. The original thrill is harder and harder to find, but the cravings for it become greater and greater. It leaves a person always craving, but never truly finding.

Yes, the feeling you get when you are in your high can be amazing, but it doesn't last. After the effects have taken hold, you start to come down, it's like HELL.  All you think of is that next high, that next buzz, and you will do ANYTHING to get it. You become a person you don't want to be. - Eric 

The fact is that [the high] wasn't permanent, so I would have to keep doing it every time something bad happens, and that just sucked. - Rachel

Pro - You feel invincible

There's tremendous pressure in our society to feel confident and have the capacity to accomplish a lot in a short time. The pressures of life can slow us down, rather than speed us up, making us feel weak and ineffective. But with some addictive behaviors, there is this incredible feeling of being invincible.

I had to balance too much on my daily schedule, so I started using ice. Ice is a form of crystal meth. At first it was great. I started smoking ice and made all of my stress disappear. It made me feel like I could do anything. This was great because my major in college was Computer Information Systems. It made the wheels in my head turn so I could write software like a genius and never get tired. - Chris

Con - You become a liar and thief

Tragically, while the addiction may start from a desire to be productive and confident, every person with an addiction ends up spending half their time chasing the high, and the other half covering up the addiction or frantically trying to find the money to feed their addiction. No matter how important friendships, family, jobs, security are, they always become a distant second to the high. Lying becomes second nature to the addict because it's a tool to cover the tragic life they are leading.

I have to hide what I just did to myself, how I did it and that I am hurting. Guilt eats away at my insides. I walk around, different from others, covered at all times, and people ask me why all the time. I lie to them. - Shelby 

Addictions are expensive. Stealing becomes necessary to fund the addiction. As they say in Narcotics Anonymous, "Are you tired of the high price of low living?" When the craving for the addiction hits them, they often act in an irrational, cruel, and unbelievable way in order to dig up the money.

My boyfriend is addicted to weed. He smokes in the house, and we have a son who sleeps in the next room. He has taken money out of our son's piggy bank to buy weed. - Lala

Pro - Supernatural Feeling 

Some people want to go into a totally different world where they can experience a supernatural encounter or feeling. It's like their addiction enables them to experience something in some other world, the world of the supernatural. A high is just another means of coping with life. It is a drug-induced fantasy, replacing reality with something surreal. Persons become something greater than they think they can ever be, escape the chains of reality, peer into worlds unknown to them and just feel really good. - TJ

Con - You will lose relationships with friends and family 

When you are living in this fantasy world, you soon become unaware of what's happening in the real world around you. You become blind to reality, failing to see the hurt in the eyes of those who love you the most. A user doesn't grasp what the addiction is doing to their loved ones, and how it is destroying their relationships. After all, a user is a user. They end up using whoever is near them so they can keep feeding the addiction, and the addiction is always very hungry. The problem with users is they soon forget how to love because they become so self-absorbed and selfish.

But one day, a day usually too late, they look around and notice something. The people whom they once cared about are no longer there. What happened? Little by little, their friends and family drifted away, no longer able to deal with the addict's heartbreaking behavior. And this is so unfortunate because recent research has shown that the best way for an addict to recover is to know they are loved and have purpose.

My friends were supportive and tried to help me. But as the addiction began to set in, I started to treat those who loved me like crap. I hurt them just as much as I hurt myself, and it was too late before I got the point. It hurt so badly to see my life falling apart, but addiction doesn't care. My life slowly fell apart, and I now am only beginning to pick up the pieces. - Amanda 

Pro - It's like breaking free from reality

Life can be painful and difficult. Research shows that the root of many addictions stems from difficult feelings, such as fear, loneliness, sadness, anxiety, etc. Addicts often can't bear to be present in their own life. We all have a need to bond with something, and if we feel like we have no one who loves us or nothing to give us purpose, an addiction tragically fills that void.

How many times have we said to ourselves, I need to get away and go on some kind of vacation? Some addictions do a very good job of allowing us to go on our own little vacation on demand (in fact, slang for using LSD was called going on a trip).

We can be gone for hours or sometimes even days on our trips. I felt that I had no worries in the world for once in my life, and I loved feeling that way, so I kept doing it. (Katie) Think of it. The very first time in Katie's life, she felt like she had no worries.

What a rush. Why wouldn't she want to go back to get the no worries feeling over and over again? When I get high, I feel great. It's the only time I feel good about myself. I can escape the craziness of life and I don't have to face reality. They made me happy. - Becky

Con - You become a Slave to the Addiction

Unfortunately, while you think you are finding freedom and vacation from the struggles of life, what you are really doing is turning into a slave to your addiction. No one ever goes into an addiction telling themselves, "My life is going to be totally taken over by this cruel thing."

A slave has no rights, no dignity, and is at the mercy of their master. An addict may be rich or poor, famous or a nobody, but they all have one thing in common they're slaves to their addiction and seemingly they can't get out.

My thought process was I wanted to get away from life. So, when I did drugs, did I get away? No, I didn't. I got HIV. I can't get away from that.  Addiction is a lie and a thief, [it] leads to destruction and death. It kills the person you are meant to be, and it kills the people who love you the most. Addiction always takes and never gives. Unless the giving is to destroy your body, mind, and soul. - Drew

Do you want your deepest needs filled?

Wow! I have a lot of compassion for those struggling with addiction. I don't believe anyone starts down the path of addiction intending to destroy themselves. Many people get hooked into an addiction because they are trying to fill the hole in their soul.

However, it is only the God of the universe, the One who loves you and me, who can meet our deepest needs and fill
that hole. And He would never turn us into liars, thieves, murderers, etc. The wisest man in the Bible, King Solomon, talked about finding a meaningful life without God. He called it, chasing after the wind. He said, "I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind." That is what addicts do. They chase after the wind, thinking they will find that one all-time best high and be complete, but it will always allude them and never complete them.

Do you want to fill that hole?

If you seek God, by reading the Bible and praying and talking to a pastor or Christian friends, God will be there for you, and He will make you whole. He promises us this in the Bible, "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened." Do you want to fill that hole?  Start looking in the right place. Look to God.

Do you want to know how substance abuse can be treated?

As I close, please know that substance abuse can be treated. It is usually treated with a combination of doctor visits, mental health counseling, and support groups (like AA or NA). Many people also rely on their faith community for recovery support. Some people go to in-patient rehab. Treatment for substance abuse is unique to each individual. If you are worried you have substance abuse issues, chat online with one of my HopeCoaches for help and resources to help you in our recovery. You are not alone, and we will do whatever we can to support you.

If you're in an addiction, wouldn't it be cool if you could break loose from it, and then turn around and help people who are still in their addiction? That's my dream for you. And I believe it is possible. I am not saying this journey of recovery will be easy, but it is worth it. In recovery they say, "It works if you work it, so work it because YOU are WORTH it!"

If you need some help with overcoming your addiction, download your free eBook today:

Many Fall Victim to Addiction

Did you know addiction is the #1 public health crisis in the United States, costing 500 billion dollars each year? That's a lot of money. Think of all the good things that could happen if our society had 500 billion dollars to invest in schools, health care, and helping the poor. But it's blown every year on addictions. That's bad enough, but what hurts more is what it does to you and me.

When I talk to teenagers and young adults on my radio show, Dawson McAllister Live, I hear so many sad stories from people whose lives are being ruined by addictions. After all, 60%-70% of Americans have some kind of addiction. Why do so many people fall victim to an addiction? I've thought about and researched addictions for quite some time, and I believe there are four main reasons for addictions.

So what is an addiction again? I turned to you for help in coming up with a great definition of an addiction. I found two that stood out:

An addiction is an activity or a substance a person uses to avoid dealing with uncomfortable thoughts or feelings that need to be faced - Joe. 

An addiction is something a person turns to when they cannot handle the cards they are being dealt with - Amanda 

What factors contribute to substance abuse and addictions?

Isolation, abandonment, and being the victim of previous abuse can all contribute to substance abuse and other addictions. But substance abuse can affect anyone, even if they don’t “seem like” the type to struggle with an addiction. If you feel like you can’t control your use of drugs and alcohol, it's time to seek help.

Nobody gets involved in an addictive lifestyle just to ruin their lives. No, they turn to their false feel good to feel good. It's the false part that ruins them. Here are four main reasons for addictions:

1. We turn to addictions to fill the hole in our soul caused by the hurt in our lives.

When we get involved in addictions, we are attempting to trade a high to replace a low. The high comes from chemicals or some repetitive behavior that gives us pleasure, and the low comes from the emotional and spiritual pain in our lives. Some people call this spiritual and emotional pain a hole in our soul. Those headed for a cruel addiction ask themselves a good question: "Why not fill the hole in my soul with a high? That will surely do the trick. What could be wrong with that?"

It makes a lot of sense at first. The high helps heal us from our pain (the hole in our soul) and gives us the much-needed distraction from the heartaches of life. Let's face it. It's very difficult to handle the cards that are being dealt to us. At some point, the pain becomes so great we begin to crave for some kind of relief, any kind of relief.

Everyone who has an addiction is trying to escape. No one ever imagines that it will turn into an addiction, but the pain continues, and the distraction is needed. It's survival for so many people. - Amanada

2. We turn to addictions to check out of life.

There are those who feel they cannot handle the responsibilities of life. Let's face it. Life is hard, with all kinds of issues to face daily. There are no guarantees life will always be easy. There was a man in the Bible who suffered horribly. His name was Job. He lost his wife and family and all he had. In his depression, he said, We're all adrift in the same boat: too few days, too many troubles. So how do we handle life's many troubles?

I have known people who have gone on drug and alcohol induced binges for months and months trying to forget the conflicts and hurts they face every day. They barely function.

Life has a way of showing up no matter how hard we try to escape it. You look into their eyes, and there's no one at home. The high that first worked for them has turned to numbness. Not only do they feel no pain, but they have no life either.

Sometimes people have addictions because that is the only way to forget the past. Sometimes reality is not easy to face. - Beth

You can make a choice. Are you going to turn to God and others to help remove the deep emotional pain within, or will you turn to some temporary relief - a calm euphoria or an amazing high?  No one points a gun at our head and says, "I will force you to be an addict."  You can choose. If you choose the temporary relief, chances are you will soon be locked up in an addiction, and in the end, things will be worse than whatever you were trying to escape.

At first, my addiction was a choice that I made. Growing up, I wasn't given the privilege of making choices for myself. I've suffered physical, emotional, and sexual abuse all of my life. To be given the choice to drink or have sex brought me comfort. I could receive comfort and relief at any moment in the day. It was something that I could control. Now that I've stated, it is too painful to stop. It's no longer a choice, but something that I can't control. I feel ashamed but i have nowhere to go. I am lost. - Sarah

3. Some people get into addictions because of peer pressure

I know there’s nothing new here. It seems we’ve heard about peer pressure since the day we were born. But no matter how much we talk about it, people give in to peer pressure every day.

Usually, when somebody falls into the trap of negative peer pressure, they usually have abandoned people who give positive peer pressure and replaced them with all the wrong crowd. We are only as safe as our closest friends.

When i was 18 i stopped going to church, lost connections and stated hanging out with the wrong people. One thing leads to another and before i knew it i was getting high all day every day. Seriously as soon as i woke up i got high, i got high every opportunity i could throughout the day and before i went to bed. - Kimberly

There’s a saying that goes like this: “To break your addiction, you will have to find new playmates, new playgrounds, and new playthings.” No one ever broke an addiction hanging out with the wrong crowd but hanging out on the wrong playground with negative playmates and playing with dangerous things is a set up for addiction, disaster, and death.

4. People get into addictions because they are fooled by the "just once" lie.

Everyone who has an addiction was totally clean once. Every addict had his or her first-time experience with what caused his or her addiction. They could have said no, and never known the highs or the cruel lows of their addiction. But instead, they rationalized and said to themselves, I’ll experiment just once. For many, “just once” was all they needed to begin the dance with the devil of death. Let’s take drugs and alcohol for example. Studies tell us 10% of all Americans are predisposed to becoming addicted to drugs because of their genetics. People who fall into this predisposed category have better than a 50% chance of becoming addicted to something.  While their friends may be able to take 1 or 2 drinks and walk away, these people cannot. The just once lie ends up being the beginning of disaster.

I think people start getting addicted to many things by accident. Maybe their friends told them something was cool. They try what their friends were doing thinking they will only do it once. Then they really get into it and doing it over and over again, which becomes an addiction. - Beth

Beth is absolutely right. Whatever you do, don’t get caught up in the "just once" trap. There are some drugs that with the first use, you become instantly addicted (i.e. coke, crack, ice, crank, special K, etc.

There is a way out and there is HOPE!

You may be asking yourself, “Is there any way out? Can I overcome the addiction in my life?” The answer is a thousand times yes! But it will take a true spiritual transformation.

Put another way, only a deep, meaningful relationship with God can truly set us free. That’s why just about every recovery group for an addiction uses the same proven 12 step program and only adapts it slightly for each addiction. Six of the twelve steps talk directly about God. Rather than working on a deeper relationship with God, we make the addiction our god. God created you and me to know and love Him. All addictions make a lousy god. Is it any wonder then most people who have an addiction are eventually miserable? Here the good news: the same God who never wanted you addicted to begin with will give you the strength to recover. It’s a matter of trusting Him to heal you and committing your life to let God help you turn your entire life around.

We also need each other to get through the hard times. Some of you encourage one another in your blog comments and some of you share your story of hope. Don't face your issues alone. We know it's tough out there.

Also, download TheHopeLine's eBook with information on signs and symptoms of substance abuse and how to overcome.