Tips for Dealing with Birth Fathers

No one can fully understand the pressures and challenges that each single mom faces. In my last blog I spoke of the challenges a single mom faces when it comes to dating with all its emotionally charged potential and pitfalls. But an even greater challenge can be the relationship single moms have with the birth fathers. How involved should the birth father be? When should the father of your kids be in their lives at all? I have some important tips for dealing with birth fathers.

There are so many stories of the birth fathers who make promises to come around, be involved, and support, but then never do.

Lari wrote: It was really important for me to set boundaries with my ex. To have specific times when he could be with the kids,
and if he didn't show up, or was late, I made sure I spent extra time with the kids myself. It got frustrating, but it made me and the kids closer.

Some single moms struggle with birth fathers who won't pay child support. What should a single mom do? Sure, there are some legal actions you can take, but many times, there is nothing you can do to get your ex to do what he's supposed to do, or to be where he's supposed to be. Realize that no matter what you do, you can't force your child's father to be involved. But you CAN play a part in not allowing your children's view of their dad to become negative. Don't complain to your kids about something your ex does wrong. But also, don't let your ex have any kind of negative influence on your kids. You might think you have to keep him around so you can keep getting his child support. While his court ordered child support is required, you have to keep your kids safe and healthy at all costs. In some cases, it's better the father never come around at all, rather than break hearts with broken promises.

Your number one goal is to protect your child's heart.

Sharon wrote that many times, children are left wondering how their dad could possibly not want to be a part of their life? These are the issues the single mom has to help them cope with...why doesn't Daddy come see me? Why won't Daddy come to my school play? Why doesn't Daddy love me? To see the heartache in your child's eyes...to struggle to find the answer that will cause them the least amount of pain...that burden, too, falls upon her shoulders.There may come a time when you need to accept that fact that you child's father is not going to be there for them. Don't waste your time pining over something that is not going happen. Your number one goal is to protect your child's heart. No one can break the heart of a child more than his or her father or mother.

Here are a few more helpful reminders:

• Although having a birth father involved is important, it's not everything. Single-loving mothers have raised amazing children.
• Forcing a reluctant father to talk on the phone or spend time with your child may be more harmful, especially if your child experiences rejection during the encounter with the dad.
• Similarly, if you try to force a relationship with a father who doesn't want one, your child is bound to feel disappointed and rejected.
• Don't talk negatively about your child's father, but you don't have to glorify him, either.
• Leave the door open for responsible contact between the father and your child. You never know when he may become the responsible loving father they need.

Remember to always keep this question in the forefront of your mind: What is best for the kids?

Answering this the best you can will always be the right place to start when you feel confused and overwhelmed by your emotions and circumstances. It's also very important for you as a single mother to know how to take care of yourself, first and foremost. In my next blog, I'm going to give you some practical tips on how to do that. Please send me a comment with ways you have found to take care of yourself so you are rested, recharged, and more capable of being the best mom you can be.

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Related Posts:
10 Tips To End Loneliness
3 Keys To Recognizing And Understanding Depression

Starting the Conversation about Depression

I've always wanted my radio show and TheHopeLine to be a place where people felt comfortable talking about the tough stuff. A place where people could open up about the things they have been trying to hide. I know that once you start telling your story, you are on a path to healing. To be a safe place, it is often important to know what NOT to say about certain struggles. So today I address five things not to say to someone who's depressed.

Until we get rid of the unacceptable stigma of mental illness, it's going to be very hard for people to come forward for care.

Mental illness, including depression, anxiety, bipolar, etc., can be hard to discuss. Unfortunately, a stigma surrounding mental illness keeps people from opening up. They don't want to be seen as weak or fall into any stereotypes surrounding mental illness. According to the Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy, M.D., fewer than half of the people who have a mental illness get the care they need. He said, "Until we get rid of the unacceptable stigma of mental illness, it's going to be very hard for people to come forward for care."

https://youtu.be/XKKSECQNVBs?si=0ofxXWEwo09gQtD5

Understanding Depression

Our partner organization, Centerstone, describes depression this way. "Depression is more than a day of feeling low. It is a long-lasting, often recurring illness as real and disabling as heart disease or arthritis. People with depression feel increasingly isolated from family and friends. One of the frustrating parts of dealing with depression is that there are no outward signs or conclusive testing of the illness. There is no rash or fever. There isn’t a blood test to diagnose. So, people with depression are often treated as if they are making it up or should just be able to snap out of it. If you're wondering "Why do I feel so lost and hopeless?", you might be battling depression."

Depression Affects Many People

Yet depression is very common, affecting about 10 percent of the U.S. population (almost 20 million people) every year. One in four women and one in ten men will experience a depressive episode in their lifetime. In our Guest Blog by Centerstone, Are you Depressed? we address how you can know if you or someone you care about has depression. We also have a quick checklist about depression symptoms.

You can Be a Safe Place to Talk

As we open up this discussion, I want to address how to support someone who may be struggling with this illness. There are some very hurtful things that well-meaning people often say.

5 things to AVOID saying

 

1. What do you have to be depressed about?

There are people who have it much worse than you. The depressed person already knows this and doesn't need it pointed out to them. Often the most frustrating part of depression is that they can't explain why they feel like they do. Imagine what it must feel like to have a really good life and not be able to enjoy it. By asking them this question, you will make them feel even worse for seemingly not being grateful for what they have.

2. Happiness is a choice. You just need to change your mindset and focus on the positive.

When you say this to someone struggling with depression, you are essentially telling them that they are CHOOSING to be negative and sad and that they are bringing this depression on themselves. If it were as simple as choosing to be happy, don't you think they would?

3. You don't need medication.

Unless you are a doctor, DO NOT give clinical or medical advice. Leave that to the professionals. Rather encourage someone facing depression to talk it over with their doctor.

4. You're depressed again?

Trust me, they are scared of falling into depression again. For you to sound annoyed does not help.

5. Are you reading your Bible enough? Are you praying enough?

To someone who is depressed, asking them this question feels as if you are saying, "If you just trusted God more or had more faith, you wouldn't be depressed" somehow suggesting it is their fault God hasn't healed them. However, none of us can DO ENOUGH on our own to get God to act how we think He should. Thankfully, God's love and provision are not based on our performance. I trust completely that God's ways are wiser than ours and that He loves us like crazy. And while God removes some struggles immediately, He allows us to walk through others. And even though I might not understand, I believe He has a purpose in all things.

So, while healing is not based on our performance of Bible reading and prayer, these things can bring comfort. I would suggest saying something like this instead, I know you are trusting God, and I will pray that He brings you a peace that only He can bring. And, if you're interested, I can share some Bible verses to read when feeling hopeless. TheHopeLine has put together this list of Bible verses for you to share.

So now you know what NOT to say, but what can you do for someone struggling with depression?

Let them know that:

• They are NOT alone.
• You are NOT leaving.
• Their struggle is real and you know that.
• You are available to listen.
• You are praying for them.

So tell me do you struggle with depression? What is it like for you?  Did someone hurt you during a depressed season in your life? What is the most helpful thing someone could do for you? Do you have encouragement and advice for others who are struggling?

Let's get the conversation started - it's safe here!

If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. For additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

Young people aged 15 to 24 years acquire half of all new STDs and 1 in 4 sexually active adolescent females have an STD.

Sexually active adolescents aged 15 to 19 years and young adults aged 20 to 24 years are at higher risk of acquiring STD's (according to Center for Disease Control)

The statistics are just that - statistics. They don't really tell the story of how awful an STD can be. I received a call on my radio show, Dawson McAllister Live.

He told me his story - he and his friend went to Vegas one weekend to party. One night at a party, he got really drunk and had unprotected sex with a stranger.

When he got home, he realized he had contracted genital herpes. Once you get herpes, you have it for life. IT is not curable. He said to me, "I always thought what happened in Vegas stayed in Vegas." I said to him, "Not an STD. They will follow you everywhere."

I received a really wise comment from a caller. Megan told me, "I think a lot of people walk around and they might have an STD, but they don't know because they haven't been tested. That's the danger of it because It's not an open thing for everybody. In a way I'm scared to have sex because I'm scared of getting an STD. I have been warned from my parents about it and I've read books about it. It's always possible, even if you are being careful, to get pregnant or get an STD. The best thing is to not have sex, but we all know many teenagers are having sex. So, the best thing is to have protection and try to find out about your partner's sexual history as much as possible. Be in the know-it will benefit you in the long run." Megan is wisely cautious, and she realizes nothing outside of abstinence is a sure-fire way to be protected from STDs.

And STD's do not discriminate. EVERYONE can get them. Here is a true story:

"I was diagnosed with genital herpes about a year ago. I am only 20 now. I never would have in my life thought this could happen to me. It has changed my entire life forever. I no longer can date as I used to, or even at the most best relationships, be as intimate as I used to could be."

This is a VERY common disease and most people do not know the facts about it. 1 out of 5 people are said to have genital herpes. And 70% of people who contract this disease, get it from a partner who has absolutely NO SIGNS of it...and as with any std, it only takes one time to catch one.

There are so many people who are ignorant of STDs. Their ignorance puts them in true danger. That is why I want to talk to you about STDs, so you can be protected from something that could ruin your life.

The best way to think about STDs is to view them as one of your worst enemy. STDs don't care whether you are rich, poor, black, white, educated, uneducated, male, or female. It just wants to spread its cruel wings on as many people as possible. One reason STDs seem to be winning the war on teenagers and young adults (with more victims everyday) is sheer ignorance. Few people really know who this enemy is and what to do about it. The ONLY way to avoid STDs is to not have vaginal, anal, or oral sex. So let's get real and talk about STDs. Here is a partial list of some of the STDs that could attack you:

• Bacterial Vaginosis is an infection caused when too much of a certain bacteria changes the normal balance of bacteria in the vagina. Pregnant women with BV are more likely to have babies who are born premature (early) or with low birth weight than women who do not have BV while pregnant.
• Chancroid is a painful genital ulcer and in advanced cases, scarring can result.
• Chlamydia can infect both men and women. It can cause serious, permanent damage to a woman's reproductive system, making it difficult or impossible for her to get pregnant later on. Chlamydia can also cause a potentially fatal ectopic pregnancy.
• Crabs are parasites or bugs that live on the pubic hair and cause itching.
• Gonorrhea can infect both men and women. It can cause infections in the genitals, rectum, and throat. It is a very common infection, especially among young people ages 15-24 years. A pregnant woman with gonorrhea can give the infection to her baby during childbirth.
• Hepatitis is an incurable disease that affects the liver. Viral hepatitis is the leading cause of liver cancer.
• Herpes is a recurrent incurable skin condition. Sores usually appear as one or more blisters on or around the genitals, rectum or mouth. The blisters break and leave painful sores that may take weeks to heal. These symptoms are sometimes called having an outbreak.The first time someone has an outbreak they may also have flu-like symptoms such as fever, body aches, or swollen glands. When the sores come into contact with the mouth, vagina, or rectum during sex, they increase the risk of giving or getting HIV if you or your partner has HIV.
• Human immunodeficiency virus (HIV) is an incurable virus which causes the immune system to fail.
• Human Papillomavirus/Genital Warts is an incurable virus that affects the skin in the genital area, as well as a female's cervix. HPV can cause cervical and other cancers.
• Molluscum Contagiosum is a skin disease usually causing lesions or bumps.
• Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID) is an infection of a woman's reproductive organs. It can cause formation of scar tissue both outside and inside the fallopian tubes, infertility (inability to get pregnant) and long-term pelvic/abdominal pain.
• Scabies is an infestation of the skin by a microscopic mite.
• Syphilis is a bacterial infection that can spread throughout the body and affect the heart, brain, and nerves.

It's easy to think it won't happen to you. But just one true life story makes these STDs jump off the page and right into our lives. Like this one, I was diagnosed with HPV also known as genital warts. I have to go in every two or three weeks and have them burned off at the doctor. It's painful and believe me if I could do it over again and wait, I would wait until I'm married to have sex.

People need to realize that you don't know your partner's sexual past, it just takes one time to catch it. And even using protection still doesn't guarantee you from being protected from std's. Once you get an std the virus stays with you for the rest of your life.(Andrew)

There's an old saying that says, Ignorance is bliss. When it comes to STDs, ignorance is your enemy. and there is only one enemy bigger than that and that is the actual sexually transmitted disease. We need to say to ourselves over and over again, STDs are my enemy, and they can be deadly. What must I do to protect myself? Remember, the ONLY way to avoid STDs is to not have vaginal, anal, or oral sex.

There is no shield to protect you simply because you are young. In fact, sexually active adolescents aged 15 to 19 years and young adults aged 20 to 24 years are at higher risk of acquiring STDs for a combination of behavioral, biological, and cultural reasons. Being young is a wonderful experience. It gives you strength, energy, and a sense of invincibility. It will not however protect you from STDs.

Another caller told me, the first time I ever had sex, I ended up getting an STD. I was aware halfway through our relationship that my ex (and first sex partner) had herpes but took on the famous It could never happen to ME' attitude. A year and a half later, I was diagnosed with genital herpes. It's no fun. I have to tell any future partner about it before things get serious and have to live with the bad choices I made in the past. IT WILL ALWAYS HAUNT ME. Don't think you will never get it...play it safe, in the end you'll be happier because you educated yourself and took the precautions you needed to take to ensure your safety from STDs. (Jen)

STDs are an enemy lurking at your door, silent, cunning, and very patient. This enemy is waiting for you to make a wrong move so it can attack. And when it does, it claims its victims for life.

Paul wrote: I was at a party once that was going great. Everyone was having a great time. Sure, there was some drinking, but I didn't realize the neighbors had called the cops. Everybody ran, and people got trampled over trying to get away. I broke my arm falling over the couch. And my dad had to come get me from the police station. It was a nightmare.

Does this sound like the WORST PARTY EVER?

It's that time of year party-time!

While I know there are plenty of reasons to hold parties all throughout the year, spring seems to bring with it even more reasons to get together.

The stay-out-all-night after-prom party. The we-finally-did-it graduation party. The weather-is-finally-nice beach/backyard/backroad party. The see-you-next-school-year college bash. You know what I'm talking about.

And, while these parties are meant to be celebrations, they can often get out of control and end disastrously. In fact, you could end up at the worst party ever.

I don't want to be a downer, but I've heard too many stories on my radio show over the years from people who were taken advantage of at a party, or teens who lost a friend because of drunk-driving, or someone who ended up arrested because they were at the wrong place at the wrong time.

So, let's just talk about how to be smart at a party. How to have fun, and not be dumb!

Let's set the scene. You get to the party with your friend, and everyone seems to be having fun. But after a while, you start to get the feeling that something isn't quite right. For one thing, you notice people are bringing more and more alcohol to the party. You also notice people are starting to get really drunk or high. You even see people slipping away in couples, or even threesomes, heading to a back bedroom.

You know nothing really good happens in the back bedroom. A thought flashes through your mind: drugs, alcohol, and a lot of people = trouble.

What are some signs of a party that you need to leave?

• If there are a lot of people showing up, you don't know especially if they are bringing alcohol when they come
• Rival gang members are there, or fights are breaking out.
• Couples are sneaking off upstairs or downstairs.
• People are so wasted they are passing out.
• The party is not well lit.
• You can't help but notice weird smells.
• It's so loud you know the neighbors are going to call the cops.
• If you can imagine people being surprised if they were to hear you were at this party.
• Your instincts are telling you to leave. TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS.

It's important to always have a plan as to what you'll do if the party turns into a bad situation.

Here are some ways to protect yourself from getting trapped at a destructive party or at the "Worst Party Ever":

• Check out who's going to the party a little research beforehand may save you a lot of grief later. Again, follow your instincts. If there's a concern, just don't go. Why take a chance?
• Don't go to a party alone it's usually best to go with two or three others just in case one person might want to stay.
• Know your boundaries what you will and won't do before you get to a party and stick within those limits. You are cool enough to withstand peer pressure.
• Talk with a friend or your parents ahead of time and ask if you can call and have them pick you up if you need to get away.
• NEVER drive with someone who has been drinking.
• Make sure your phone is charged if you need to call someone or a cab.
• Go to TheHopeLine Get Help page to download our mobile app, so that you can talk with a HopeCoach anytime, anywhere, 24/7.
• Don't be afraid or ashamed to call your parents or a trusted adult someone who cares about your safety. They'll forgive any mistakes you have made.
• Don't be afraid to leave the party immediately walking or running, if need be.
• Be aware of your location, which streets are nearby, and what's a landmark you could head to if you needed to get away.
• Don't worry about what other people think about you if they see you leaving. Some people's lives have been all but ruined at a bad party.

I get the whole YOLO thing. And I know that according to Snoop Dog this is the time to be young and wild and free! I just want you to also be smart and safe and strong because I've seen first-hand that doing something in the moment can have consequences that last a lifetime.

And if you see a friend in trouble at a party, check out our guest blog about 4 Ways to Keep Friends Safe.
Lastly, here are some things your peers told us about their party experiences:

Jenni wrote: I just don't go to the parties where I know there will be drugs. And when there are, I get one of my friends to leave with me, and we do something else.

Trisha agreed with Jenni: I completely avoid the situation. But if I was there, I know better than to do that stuff. Usually, I end up leaving.

Sounds like Jenni and Trisha have a good plan. Talk to your friends and create your own plan for surviving the Worst Party Ever.

What could be more exciting than the prom?

It's the big event of the year. Prom Night is a chance for you and your friends to make special plans and go all out, spending a ton of money in hopes of having an awesome time. But lurking just below the surface are some serious dangers.

Most of these dangers take place after midnight. You're tired, and your guard is down, and temptation is at an all-time high. It's easier at these vulnerable times to do things you'll regret later.

Unrealistic Expectations

Some think they own their date for prom night because they've spent a ton of money on clothes, food, limo, etc. Along with this can come a certain expectation of receiving a certain amount of physical attention because of it. You don't have to be this kind of girl or guy.

Talk about your expectations for the night with your date so that you are both on the same page.

Also, some girls have expectations that the prom will be the most romantic, fairytale night ever which easily makes her more open to compromising her values. It also sets her up for greater disappointment when the night ends up being far from the dream she imagined. This can lead to a broken heart and scars that could last a lifetime. It also can set up the guy to be a failure in her eyes.

No guy can ever be the Prince Charming that she has fabricated in her mind.

Alcohol and Drugs

Prom nights throughout history are filled with stories of people who drank too much, got in a car, and never made it home. Others have died because they didn't realize how much they were drinking and ended up with alcohol poisoning. Your best bet is to avoid it all together on prom night.

Also, you cannot take drugs or drink alcohol and drive, or even ride in a car driven by someone who has. It's illegal and extremely dangerous.

Kayley wrote, "My best friend died in a car crash on prom night. She hadn't been drinking, but the person driving had. They just went off the road."

Also, when you drink, you are setting yourself up to make a complete fool of yourself.

Sex

Chances are you are going to be around people who are drinking, and probably too much. These are the kind of people who are going to be more aggressive about doing things sexually that they normally wouldn't do. Dawn said: Most of my friends lost their virginity at the prom....one of them ended up with an STD. Be smart, ladies, make sure you understand the consequences. That same person ended up pregnant and gave the STD to her baby during birth. (Read my blog about STDs)

What Can Make Prom Night a Good Experience?

1. Talk beforehand about what's going to happen

Talking about expectations for the night with your date, so you are both on the same page, will make a good and memorable night. After you talk about this, it will be easier to not let anyone pressure you into going someplace, or doing anything you don't want to do. Another way to keep your date's expectations in check is to offer to pay for your part of the event half of the ticket price, your portion of the limo, after-party expenses, etc.

2. Make the prom a FRIEND event

Some people find the prom to be more fun if they go with a group of friends, rather than making it a serious, overly romantic event filled with expectations. After the dance is over, don't just go and hang around at someone's house. This setting is ripe for drinking, drugs, and sex. Think up some group activities you will all enjoy.

David wrote: For my prom, I went with a whole group of people from my youth group, guys and girls. We wanted to have a good time, but without all the pressures of wondering if we're gonna hook up with someone or not. It was just good, pure fun. And when no one is drinking, it makes it so much easier, too.

3. Stay sober

Staying sober will help you to remember the fun you had that night. What could be worse than getting so drunk you can't even remember what you did or didn't do. Your date will be grateful you're not spending half the night barfing. What could be worse than getting so drunk you can't even remember what you did or didn't do?

4. Make a pact

Your parents or another adult can be helpful for you as someone you can call to come pick you up if things get dangerous or uncomfortable. Then you're guaranteed to never be trapped somewhere you don't want to be. They are available to come pick you up with the promise they won't make a scene in front of your friends.

Paul wrote: I used to think that my parents didn't trust me and that's why they wanted me to keep checking in with them. Then I realized they actually could help me if I needed it.

Make every effort to keep the night safe, and free from dangers lurking just under the surface.

Prom should be one of the most memorable nights of your high school career. Your goal should be, I'm going to the prom to have a good time, but not be haunted with many regrets. Make every effort to keep the night safe, and free from dangers lurking just under the surface.

Here are some additional tips for how to party safely.

Let me be really clear from the beginning of this post if you have been sexually assaulted, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.  PERIOD.  No matter what you did or did not do the choice was 100% the decision of the perpetrator.  They could have chosen to not violate you, but they did not make that choice, so it is THEIR fault and only theirs.

Now with that said, I want to offer you some tips that can perhaps help protect you from being a victim of sexual assault, but I want you to understand that even if you follow all these steps or if you slip up on one of them, and you experience a sexual assault, it still is not your fault.  These tips are simply meant to help make you more aware and lessen your chances.

15 Tips for Protecting Yourself from Sexual Assault

1. Trust your instincts. If your gut is telling you that you should not be alone with someone, leave. If you feel the party, you are at is getting a little too out of control, get out.  If you are starting to get creeped out by how someone is looking at you or what they are saying to you, call a cab or find a friend.

2. Be prepared. Before you go out make sure your phone is fully charged, carry some cash, and have the number of a cab company programmed into your phone.

3. Don't share too much online about what your plans are. 61% of attackers are known by the victim.

Listen to this live call from Missy who was almost raped by her dad's friend.

If you have been sexually assaulted, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.  PERIOD.  No matter what you did or didn't do the choice was 100% the decision of the perpetrator.  They could have chosen to not violate you, but they did not make that choice, so it is THEIR fault and only theirs.

At a Party

4. Stick together with your friends or let them know where you are going. It does not hurt to have code words to alert a friend if you are getting uncomfortable.

5. Be aware of your alcohol consumption. My first recommendation is don't drink especially if you are underage.  But if you are going to have a drink, know your limits.  There is no disputing the fact that alcohol compromises your ability to make responsible decisions and be accurately aware of your situation.  Over half of sexual assaults among college students involve alcohol.

6. If you do have a drink, don't let it out of your site. You never know when someone might slip something into your drink. If you leave it unattended, get a new drink.  Never accept a drink from someone you don't know.

7. Be ready to speak up to help someone out. If a situation seems wrong, step up.  Find others to support you and then offer some distraction to rescue a friend or peer from a questionable situation.

When Walking Alone

8. Keep your eyes scanning - Stay alert and pay attention to your surroundings.

9. Keep your ears listening - Don't have earphones in

10. Keep your feet moving - Walk with a purpose

11. Choose a smart route - Try to stick to well-traveled areas even if it is not the most direct path

On a Date

12. Tell a friend where you are going

13. Don't compromise your standards - Set your boundaries and be firm. I don't want to is a good enough reason.

14. Understand that consent to sexual activity can be withdrawn at any time.

15. If your date is making you uncomfortable - call a friend and use a code word, or, if you can, make an excuse and leave.

Since 1993, sexual assaults have declined by 60%.  So, it is possible that by raising awareness and taking precautions, we can keep lowering the number of incidents.

If you are a survivor of a sexual assault, please take care of yourself and know that there is help for you.

Here are some resources for you:

Sexual Abuse and Assault Resources - The following are trusted resources from TheHopeLine and our partners to help survivors of sexual assault and their loved ones.

RAINN - Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network is the nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization.

April is National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month (#SAAPM).

That's why this month, RAINN, a partner of TheHopeLine, is highlighting the important role that friends play in keeping each other safe. It's about stepping up and showing you "C.A.R.E." You have the ability to make a difference by intervening in a way that fits the situation and your comfort level.

If you find yourself in a situation where someone looks uncomfortable or something doesn't seem right, consider one of the following ways to step in:

• Create a distraction. Do what you can to interrupt the situation. A distraction can give the person at risk a chance to get to a safe place.
• Ask directly. If you see someone who looks uncomfortable or is at risk, intervene and talk to the person who might be in trouble. If you feel safe, find a way to de-escalate the situation and separate all parties involved.
• Refer to an authority. Keeping your friends safe doesn't have to fall entirely on you alone. Sometimes the safest way to intervene is to refer to a neutral party with the authority to change the situation, like a college resident advisor or security guard.
• Enlist others. It can be intimidating to approach a situation alone. Enlist another person to support you. There is safety in numbers.

If you or someone you know has been affected by sexual violence, it's not your fault. You are not alone. Help is available 24/7 through the National Sexual Assault Hotline: 800-656-HOPE and online.rainn.org.

You can also chat with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine or download TheHopeLine's eBook called: Understanding Sexual Abuse.

I am always encouraged by the number of people who reach out to me asking how they can help their friends. I often direct them to my blog because they can find advice to pass along on many different subjects.

HOW TO GIVE GOOD ADVICE

However, I realize that even people with the best intentions don't always know how to offer advice in a way that is effective...in a way that others will actually listen and accept. Have you ever tried to give someone advice, but they tuned you out or got really mad at you?  I have written this blog to provide some important tips for how to give good advice that is effective.  This is a crucial place to start because unless someone is going to actually listen to what you have to say, your advice will not be effective.

4 Steps to Giving EFFECTIVE Advice

LISTEN. This is SO important.  Unless a person feels heard and understood, they will never trust the advice you are giving.  You must take time to gain an understanding of where they are coming from.  Ask them questions to show you really desire to understand. Then state back to them what you've heard them say by summarizing, "So what I hear you saying is...Is that right?"  This way you are both sure you are on the same page, and they know you understand them.

ENCOURAGE. This is another important step that cannot be hurried over.  Before diving into any advice, encourage them in some way. Tell them that you believe in them or encourage them that there is help available.  Unless you start with encouragement, they may be stuck in such a negative place that they have no hope of things ever-changing.  And then, when you offer them advice, they might not believe they are capable of acting on any of it.  However, offering encouragement opens the door to HOPE and prepares them to be ready to hear what you have to say. So, find SOMETHING to encourage them with.  You can focus on a past success or the potential they have.  Or here are some other examples..."It was an important first step to admit what your struggle was." "You sound like you are really ready to make some good choices." "You are not alone." "There are people who can help you and I'm here for you too."

ADVISE. The best way to give advice is by getting their involvement in deciding what they should do and influencing their thinking in a positive way. Involvement - In order to have people buy into any advice you are giving; they need to be involved in the discussion and the decision.  If you can get them to arrive at the decision of what to do next on their own...so that it is their idea, they will be much more committed to the decision and more likely to follow through. In all my years of talking with people, I have found that much of the time they know the right thing to do, they just need someone to confirm it for them. Here are some ways to involve them:

• Ask them what they've already done to try to better their situation and why it may or may not have helped.
• Ask them what else they think might be helpful.
• Offer a suggestion of your own and ask them what they think about that idea.

Influencing - As they come up with ideas you can influence them toward or away from what they are thinking based on whether or not it is a good decision through asking more questions. Questions like this are often helpful in influencing their decision:

• What do you think would happen if you did this?
• How do you think you would feel afterwards?
• Why do you think that is a good idea?

PRAY for them and with them. I believe that with God's power anything is possible.  Any situation can be solved, any addiction broken, any heart mended, any wrong made right.  Maybe not immediately and maybe not how we thought, but God tells us to bring our requests to Him.  So, PRAY and let them hear you pray!  Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.

5 Things to AVOID When Giving Advice

• Being Judgmental - Nobody will ever confide in you if they feel that you are going to judge them. You don't know what they have experienced. Give them the benefit of the doubt.
• Preaching - Do not just talk at someone. Involve them in the discussion through lots of questions and listening.
• Offering a solution too quickly - It is important to really listen and gain a full understanding of all that they are struggling with, what their perspective is, and what they've already done to try to fix the situation.  By saying, "Just do this and it will all be better," you minimize a problem they may have been struggling with for a long time.
• Gossiping - If they are afraid, you won't keep their confidence, they will not tell you anything.
• Thinking you are going to fix them or their situation - It is not up to you to fix anything. You just need to be a safe place where they can talk, receive support, and hear a new perspective on their situation.

It is also important to be able to recognize common thinking errors and know how to challenge them as the advice-giver.

5 COMMON THINKING ERRORS

• Over Generalization - Example: NOBODY likes me.
  Challenge: Look for exceptions to the rule. "Well, John likes you
• Jumping to Conclusions - Example: He crossed the road to avoid me.
  Challenge: Reality checking - "How do you know he crossed the road to avoid you? What other explanations could there be?"
• Catastrophizing - Example: The meal was a complete disaster. They will NEVER talk to me again.
  Challenge - "How likely is it that your all your friends will turn against you if your cooking is not perfect?"
• All or Nothing - Example: The things I do are successful or a failure; perfect or disastrous; right or wrong.
  Challenge - Put a third option in between the two extremes - Successful, Good but needs a few improvements, failure.
• Turning a Positive into a Negative  - Example: She would not be so kind to me if she knew what I was really like.
  Challenge - Point out the positive then challenge the evidence used to make it a negative - "Maybe she does not know you completely, but she really likes what you did."

I hope these tips will help as you reach out to make a difference in the lives of those around you!

Are you wondering how to be a great friend? Here are 9 tips to become a great friend.

I have written many blogs on the subject of cutting.  We've discussed what it is, why people do it, the consequences, and some possible solutions to the problem.  But, today, I want to talk specifically to the friends of cutters.

Help, my friend is cutting.

This can be a hard subject to talk about and it can be a very sensitive subject to the cutter, so it is important to keep the following things in mind when trying to help.

Someone recently wrote to me and asked: My friend is cutting. How can I get it into my best friend's head that cutting is not good at all?

She's right cutting is not good at all, and I appreciate her desire to help her friend.  However, there isn't a simple answer to this question.  We can't just throw out facts and figures and think a cutter is going to be instantly convinced to stop.  As I wrote about in Why People Cut, cutters are usually covering up a deeper emotional pain.

Therefore, when talking to a friend about cutting here are some very important things to remember.

• Do NOT come across as judgmental.  You may not be aware of the personal struggle they are facing which has led to self-harm.
• REALLY listen and seek to understand. Often someone who cuts feels like no one understands them. Do NOT be one more person that says why would you do this to yourself? It doesn't make any sense. Rather, ask some probing questions with a genuine desire to understand.  Such as: Why do you think you cut yourself?  Do you cut to cover up other pain? How do you feel after you cut? How do you feel the next day? Help them to tell their story...if they're ready. You don't need to have all the answers. Just listen!
• Encourage your friend that you BELIEVE in them.  Tell them you know they will have the strength to stop when they decide to and that you will support them however you can. Offer to be their accountability partner, if they want.  You can be the person they call to distract themselves from cutting when the temptation arises.
• Refer them to other resources on the subject of self-harm and read more about it yourself. We have created a link with many helpful resources available all in one convenient place. You could simply text or email your friend this link and say..."When you are ready..." or share it through social media. You never know when sharing information could impact a life. TheHopeLine Resource Page
• Most importantly PRAY for them. God is bigger than cutting!!  He can help them overcome the addiction. Pray that God gives them the strength and desire they need to stop cutting and find HOPE.

If you want to know more about breaking free from self-harm. Read this blog that our friend, Amanda Turner, wrote about her personal story. 

Thanks for caring. You CAN make a difference in someone's life.