You Know They Are Cheating On You, but What Are You Going to Do?

If you have ever uncovered the painful truth that the person you feel you love is cheating on you, you probably asked yourself: What am I supposed to do now? What should my response be to this betrayal? There is no doubt a wide range of confusing emotions flooding through you. All these feelings make it very difficult to make any kind of wise decision on what to do next. So don't react too quickly.

Let's begin with looking at what cheating is and is NOT.

What Is Cheating?

It's important to understand that there are different kinds of behavior people call cheating, some of which is not cheating at all. For example, if someone asks you out just once, and then soon after asks someone else out, that's not cheating. That's simply dating. Believe me, there's nothing wrong with dating around.

On the other hand, if you have been dating that person for a while and you both commit to dating exclusively, and that person dates someone else behind your back, that's cheating. Obviously, if someone says, "Will you be my fiancé?" and you accept, and then they date behind your back, that's cheating. If the person you are dating for some time has sex, or inappropriate sexual behavior with another person, that's cheating.

Four Steps to Protect Yourself:

1.  The first thing you need to do is wait.  Don't do anything. Let your feelings calm down. Regardless of what you have discovered, there's no need to go around trashing the person who's cheated on you, or even the one he/she did it with. Stay above the betrayal. Don't let the lies and deceit of your bf/gf drag you down into the gutter with them. Keep your deep sense of personal dignity and healthy self-worth. You only make matters worse by acting out of anger and confusion. Don't tell the world you've been violated.

2.  Surround yourself with good friends and wise counselors who can help you sort through your emotions and discover what has actually taken place. Get your friends and others you trust to quietly uncover what has been happening behind your back. Usually your friends are the first to know. These people are priceless to you because you can talk through your emotions with them. Left to yourself, you will only get caught in a circle of confusion, hurt, and resentment.

3.  Confront your bf/gf in private.  Confrontation is never easy, but you will never get to the bottom of what has happened or begin healing until you have talked with your cheating bf/gf. Sometimes you feel like causing a big scene to bring shame to the other person, and you end up just looking like a fool.

4.  Remember your worth. Do not let yourself fall prey to all the lies that you may be tempted to believe such as, "There must be something wrong with me." "I'm not worthy of real love." "I'll never find a good partner."  This is desperate thinking in the moment. While being cheated on hurts to the core...it does not define who YOU are. See yourself as God sees you. He sees you as....Chosen, Accepted, Loved, Beautiful and Significant. Write these messages down and surround yourself with them. Believe the truth.

Tips for Confronting the Cheater

1. It's very important to have a confrontation face-to-face if possible. Body language (facial expressions, etc.) will tell you a lot.

2. Make sure you have the facts before the confrontation. If you try to confront without evidence, you will most likely be lied to or stir up deep resentment in the person you are accusing. The person being confronted often blames you for the very thing he/she has done. This is the kind of experience Kristy had, "I just broke up with my boyfriend of two years. It was a break-up/make-up relationship. He would do something wrong, like cheat, and somehow blame it on me; make me feel like it was my fault that he cheated, that somehow, I drove him to it. Then he'd break up with me, and a few days later, we'd get back together."

3. While confronting, deal with the source of the problem, your bf/gf, and don't focus on the person they've cheated with. Sometimes you feel like bringing shame to the other person, and you end up just looking like a fool.

4. Try to discover if your cheating bf/gf is truly repentant for what he/she has done. Some people are just sorry because they got caught. It will take time for you to know whether or not your bf/gf is truly sorry for their betrayal of you.

5. Some people when confronted become defensive, belligerent, and angry. That is a good sign they have no intention of ever getting back with you again. See their reaction for what it is. Sometimes it's just better to walk away and stay away.

Should You Save the Relationship?

Deciding whether or not you are going to try and salvage the relationship could be one of the most important decisions you will ever make.

Consider a time-out from your relationship.  A time-out will give you a chance to get wise counsel from other people and decide whether or not the relationship is worth saving.

Don't make the mistake of KT, "My ex-boyfriend was a jerk and treated me so badly. He'd call me names and he'd cheat on me and give me the guilt trip saying, I will never find anyone like him or even as good as him cause he is that unique. All my friends told me to leave him. They said a good guy will come along when he comes along, but I didn't listen to my friends, even though they have given me very good advice for two years now. I just didn't listen cause my ex-boyfriend sort of brainwashed me in a way. Now that I understand and accept it, I am doing so much better."

Know it will take time for the relationship to heal, if it ever does. Trust has been shattered and recovering trust takes a long time. If you decide the relationship is salvageable, your cheating bf/gf will have to be patient for you to trust them again. But eventually you will need to forgive them and learn to trust.

The Relationship Can't be Saved. Now What?

If you decide the relationship cannot be healed or mended, take some off from dating to find yourself and allow yourself to become stronger. Some relationships cannot be saved no matter what you do. So don't bring unnecessary drama and needless hurt into your life by not letting go.

Steven said something incredible when he commented, "Everybody has free will and [my girlfriend] had the will to cheat as she pleases, and I can't change that. But I also have free will. The free will to not give her power over me and to move on to lead a productive life. The people who loved me and the ones I loved were counting on me. I dropped my pride and cried out for help."

Know your own self-worth and cry out for the help you need. You are worth it!

If you've just been cheated on and need more help, Check out: He Cheated On You: 6 Things Not To Do.

Guard Your Heart TRUE BEAUTY EDITION

We live in a body-obsessed culture.  Men and women both feel pressured to have the perfect bodies, and we believe so many lies about what a perfect body is and what defines beauty.

As I continue to talk about guarding our hearts another way, we can protect ourselves is to know the TRUTH about beauty and not believe the lies and photo-shopped images that we are surrounded by daily.

Guarding your heart requires you to Fill your heart with TRUTH and cling to that truth when the world tells you lies.

Lie 1. My worth and my beauty is measured by a number on the scale, the size of my jeans, the size of my biceps. 

• Truth - I've said this before, but I need to repeat it - your worth is defined by one thing and one thing only...by  a God who loves you and who created you wonderfully!  If only we could grasp the greatness of God who created the entire universe and yet LOVES little old you and me so much that He knew us before we were born and designed us perfectly, THEN we might understand our worth beyond a number.  And not to sound cliche but beauty really is a matter of the heart. I believe it is absolutely true that the most attractive person in the room is the one with a smile on their face exuding kindness and confidence. Not the person in the latest fashions whose all done up, but spewing hate.
• Heart Protection By having a confidence that comes from knowing our value in God's eyes and expressing our confidence through kindness and joy, we will exude true beauty. Our confidence will no longer rely on an ever-changing number on the scale.

Lie 2. The Sports Illustrated swimsuit model or the guy on the cover of GQ magazine is the definition of attractive and what I need to strive for.

• Truth The images of beauty that we see on the cover of magazines are unrealistic and often unattainable. Want proof? Watch this:

• Heart Protection By realizing that the images you see daily in the media are highly touched up, you will protect yourself from trying to live up to a standard that is unrealistic. Stop being so hard on yourself when you look in the mirror.  See those pictures for the lies that they are.  Set healthy expectations for yourself and believe the true definition of beauty as defined above.

Lie 3. I need to dress provocatively in order to get a guy's attention.  Guys like girls who show some skin.

• Truth A good guy respects modesty. I have heard it said like this, Dressing immodestly is like rolling around in manure. Yes, you'll get attention, but mostly from pigs. I like that!
• Heart Protection If you believe that good guys respect modesty, you won't feel the pressure to dress inappropriately, and by holding yourself to a higher standard, you won't set yourself up to be treated like an object. YOU DESERVE MORE. If a guy is only paying attention to you when you dress a certain way, he is likely not a guy who is going to respect you later. The Bible offers a very practical analogy on this very subject when it says A beautiful woman who lacks modesty is like a fine gold ring in a pig's snout.  In other words, don't ruin your beauty by revealing too much. By holding yourself to a higher standard, you won't set yourself up to be treated like an object

Here is one of the best descriptions of beauty that I've read:  She is a woman of strength and dignity and has no fear of old age.  When she speaks, her words are wise, and kindness is the rule for everything she says.   Let's strive for that kind of beauty.

TheHopeLine’s eBook on self-worth gives practical advice about things you can do to increase your self-esteem.

I have talked to nearly 30,000 teenagers and young adults in my career. Talk radio is what I do. I love it and I'm totally committed to those who call me. But I don't always understand some of the people who call. It's like we are talking on two different wavelengths and I know I'm not getting through. I realized that some of the most frustrating calls were from people who were addicted to love.

What Love Addiction Looks Like

I was struggling to understand why people who were being completely used in a relationship wouldn't leave their partner. Why did they seem to be totally set against doing what they ought to do to get help or healing? Why did they refuse to get off the road that was leading them to heartbreak and destruction?

I could never understand how a guy could treat a girl so awful. He'll hit her, make fun of her, cheat on her, get her pregnant and leave, and yet the girl does everything in her power to keep him or get him back.  I used to want to say to these girls, "Why can't you see it?! Are you blind? " I know that doesn't sound very loving, but that's how I felt.

But one day, I decided to learn as much about being addicted to love as I possibly could. In my research, I have learned love addiction can strike either sex and it is every bit as powerful and destructive as drugs, gambling, alcohol, eating disorders, or cutting. Now I understand better about love addiction and can spot it almost every time a love addict calls my show. Now I know why love addicts won't respond to the simple solution to their problem drop him/her.

How Can Love Be an Addiction?

Love addiction is a lot like other addictions where a person obsessively and compulsively tries to relieve or medicate the deep pain in their life by feeling loved. In fact, the feelings of a love addict are just as false as the high drugs bring to a drug addict.

If you are a love addict, you think you cannot live without the other person and you will do just about anything to keep the relationship alive.

I think if you're addicted to love then that means once you're in a relationship, you can't live without that person, and you will do whatever you can to stay in a relationship...(Riah)

Some teens don't get the love they want from home or friends so they plunge themselves into relationships that will never work out. They crave love so much that it blinds them and makes them so desperate that they'll try to find it anywhere possible. (Jessica) Jessica understands that many a love addict comes out of a troubled home where there wasn't nearly enough love, and she's right. She also understands just how desperate a love addict can be. Many go from partner to partner terrified of being alone.

Love Addiction Defined

Using Riah's, Jessica's and my thoughts on love addiction here's a pretty good definition of a love addiction. A love addiction is when a person obsessively and compulsively tries to relieve or medicate the deep pain in their life through a romantic relationship.

They plunge themselves into relationships that will never work. Once they're in a relationship, they feel they can't live without the other person and will do whatever they have to do to stay in the relationship. The love addict craves what they think is the feeling of love so intensely, it blinds them and makes them desperate to find and keep it any way possible.

Are You a Love Addict?

Look at some of the qualities of a love addict to try to see if you might be one. Be honest with yourself. One of the main characteristics of a love addict is denial.

A Love Addict:

• Lives in a fantasy world.
• Wants to be rescued from their empty life.
• Pushes their partner to meet needs only God can meet.
• Tends to worship their partner.
• Confuses sexual attraction with love.
• Craves to be consumed with his/her partner.
• Lacks attention and nurturing when they were young.
• Feels detached and isolated from family.
• Is highly manipulative and controlling of others.
• Has inner rage over lack of nurturing and early abandonment.
• Tries to avoid abandonment at any cost.
• Confuses the drama in the relationship as love.
• Feels being in a romantic relationship will make them whole.
• Has an obsessive drive to leave one relationship for another?
• Uses relationship and sex to alter their mood and relieve emotional pain.
• Trades sexual activity for what they think is love.

What's Next?

If you are a love addict or know somebody who is, I want you to know there is hope. Literally thousands of people have broken away from the bondage of love addiction and learned what real love is. Love is a powerful gift given to us by God. In fact, God is love. But when we mishandle or confuse love for something false, heartbreak comes.

Liz's comment clearly explains how a love addict feels: I was in this long-term relationship with this guy, and I convinced myself I couldn't live without him. I had to talk to him every night or I couldn't sleep. Now that we have broken up, I realized the only reason it felt like I couldn't live without him was that I was addicted to love. He treated me like I wasn't even his friend in public, but I put up with it because I wanted to feel loved. When [he told me he] loved me every night, it made me feel like a completely different person, made me feel untouchable for that split second. Everyone thrives to hear those words. That's why it is so easy to [become] addicted to love because whether you love that person or not, it feels good to hear it. (Liz)

Why do people become love addicts? Check out my post on LOVE ADDICTION AND ABANDONMENT

There is so much confusion around the addiction of cutting. It's hard for some people to understand why you, or someone you know, would repeatedly harm themselves on purpose.  I want to break through the confusion and help those who practice cutting as a way of life. I've heard a lot of people say, why would anyone do such a thing as purposely cause pain to their bodies? So, let's begin to uncover the reasons why so many people cut themselves.

Most People Cut to Cover an Even Deeper Emotional Pain

As I have talked with hundreds of people that self-harm, one major reason emerges over and over again: Most people cut themselves to try to cope with an even deeper emotional pain. If you or anybody you know is cutting, please understand cutting is a way of covering something much deeper and painful going on inside.

Cover Self-Hate

An anonymous blogger put it this way: I used to cut because I felt like it was the only way to feel something other than the hurt and confusion and self-hate that was driving me insane. I would cut because I hated myself so much that I wanted to tear myself to pieces.

Cover Past Trauma

Most cutters' ability to cope with life is overwhelmed by powerful emotions or extreme pressure that seem too intense to bear. Jenessa said she's been a cutter for 7 years. I was sexually abused by someone very close to me. I started cutting because I always thought that what happened was my fault. I have never gotten over it, so I used to cope with any problem I had by cutting. Taking it out on myself was so much easier than figuring out what to do emotionally.

Can't Express Emotional Pain

When these emotions aren't dealt with, tension builds up. Cutting can feel like a release of this tension. Rachel said cutting is a way for her to deal with her pain: It's an escape from reality. No matter how temporary it is it's a relief to escape all the pain.

Most cutters struggle to express their pain to others. Without the words or outlet to express their emotional pain, they give into a short cut, a destructive physical expression toward themself. Laken said cutting is her first reaction when she feels disappointment or difficulty. When I fail a test, when I get in a fight, when I am called a mean name, or when anything bad happens the first thought is to cut. It is horrible and I always fall back on it.

The physical pain has a calming effect on her more agonizing emotional pain. Cutting is the treating of one pain with another. A cutter's life is one of the choices between one kind of pain or a much greater one. Amy said: It feels good when you have physical pain to take away from your emotional pain.

Avoid Dealing with Deep Feelings

The problem with self-injury as with any addiction, is that by harming yourself you never really are able to confront your deepest feelings. Perhaps that is you. You are using cutting to try to cope with an even deeper emotional pain. It is hard to say no to something that feels so good. But in the end, cutting will fail you every time.

Don't lose hope. There are healthy ways to deal with your emotions and to stop cutting for good.  Check out these helpful resources on self-harm from TheHopeLine.

If you or someone you know is struggling with self-harm, check out TheHopeLine's free eBook.

Bullying is not a harmless act that should be brushed off. Bullying has very real emotional and psychological effects that can last a victim's lifetime. Depression, anxiety, heightened feelings of sadness or loneliness are all issues that may persist into adulthood.

But what if YOU are the bully???

Believe it or not, there are long-term effects to being a bully as well. Those who bully others may partake in other negative behaviors well into adulthood. Bullies are more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol, get into physical fights, drop out of school, vandalize property, have criminal records, and even be abusive to their romantic partners, spouses, and even their own children as adults.

But What if YOU'RE the bully???

Let me ask you:

• Does hurting other people or taking their things make you feel better?
• Do you avoid thinking of how your hurtful words and actions may make someone else feel?
• Have you been bullied before and now feel like you have to make up for it by bullying others?
• If you're bigger, stronger, and/or smarter than others your age do you use this fact to get your way or manipulate others?
• Have you purposefully tried to make someone, even a friend, feel bad?

If you've answered yes, then you may be a bully. When you're the bully you may experience feelings of worthlessness and you might even hate yourself. I want to encourage you to take the chance to stop being a bully, and here's how:

1.  Apologize
Say you're sorry to those you've bullied and follow it up by being friendly to them. They probably won't trust you right away, but sooner or later they will see you're for real.

2.  Boost YOUR self-esteem
Bullies often have low self-esteem themselves which is why it's important to explore ways to boost your self-esteem. Find a new hobby, volunteer, get involved with a sport or in a group.

3.  Talk to someone
If you're feeling like you're having trouble controlling your feelings, such as anger, talk to someone. Your parents, a school counselor or teacher, or a friend.

Also remember that if you are being bullied yourself, responding with force and aggression is not the best way to end the cycle. Bullying a bully is still bullying.  

It's all over the media...you've heard the tragic stories. Stories of teens and young adults ending their life after they've been bullied through social media sites. The consequences of cyber-bullying are very real.  So, I ask myself, why does this keep happening?

We all know how damaging it is to spew hate across the internet, yet we continue to see it happen.

Let me ask you:

Have you read nasty comments directed toward how someone looks when they post a picture on Instagram?

Have you ever laughed along when you heard how someone pretended to have a crush on someone through text messaging, stringing them along until they deliver the crushing blow of ...Are you kidding me, no one could ever really like you?

Have you seen pictures of parties posted where someone was intentionally left out and then comments made about how they were so glad that person wasn't there and would never be invited?

Have you heard of a picture or video intended for one person suddenly going viral and ruining a reputation?

I don't need to give more examples. You've seen it, haven't you? You understand how it hurts, don't you? The pain and public humiliation that is inflicted through cyberbullying is as real as the emotional trauma experienced through real-life bullying. The biggest difference between the two is real-life bullying often ends when school ends, but there is no escape from cyberbullying.

And here's what really concerns me...most teens today base their value and their worth on how many likes, favorites, retweets, friends, followers that they have. But what I want you to know...these things DO NOT determine your value. Your value comes in who you are as a person. How you love and treat others. And most importantly your status as a child of God who loves you completely just the way you are.

Here are 13 Facts* demonstrating the prevalence of Cyberbullying:

1. Nearly 43% of kids have been bullied online.
2. 1 in 4 has had it happen more than once.
3. 70% of students report seeing frequent bullying online.
4. Over 80% of teens use a cell phone regularly, making it the most common medium for cyberbullying.
5. 68% of teens agree that cyberbullying is a serious problem.
6. 81% of young people think bullying online is easier to get away with than bullying in person.
7. 90% of teens who have seen social-media bullying say they have ignored it.
8. 84% have seen others tell cyber bullies to stop.
9. Only 1 in 10 victims will inform a parent or trusted adult of their abuse.
10. Girls are about twice as likely as boys to be victims and perpetrators of cyberbullying.
11. About 58% of kids admit someone has said mean or hurtful things to them online.
12. More than 4 out of 10 say it has happened more than once.
13. About 75% have visited a website bashing another student.

*Stats from https://www.dosomething.org

What to do:

Bullies get their power from how their victim responds/reacts. Never respond to the cyberbully. Block the person who is cyberbullying you. They can't hurt you if they can't reach you.

Take Action Immediately. Often times, schools cannot help when it comes to cyberbullying because it's happening after hours and is out of their jurisdiction, but school authorities are not your only hope to stop the various types of bullying.

Keep the evidence of the cyberbullying (when it happened and what was said) and use this evidence to report the bully to the web & phone service providers. Cyberbullying often violates the terms and conditions of social media sites so ALWAYS report any abuse happening so they can take action against the user abusing their terms.

Cyberbullying that contains the following is a crime and should be reported to authorities: - Threatening violence - Pornography or sexually explicit messages/photos - Stalking & Hate crimes

Hey, we all know it's a problem. Let's speak up and put a stop to cyberbullying.

For more on cyberbullying, read this blog from our partner, Pacer National Bullying Prevention Center, How Cyberbullying Impacts Students.

For more information on bullying, here's a guide to understanding the types of bullying and cyberbullying and how to deal with it.

Define the Reason for Your Resolution

Have you set a New Year's Resolution but aren't sure how to motivate yourself to keep it? Here's an important question to ask yourself, "What is the key reason I have set this resolution?"

Your key reason should be a concrete outcome you are working toward as the result of your resolution.  The key reason is what will provide you with the motivation you need to keep your resolution.

Having a clear and concrete reason for why you want to change something in your life will help you be successful.
Let's take weight loss as an example of a resolution that a lot of people set for themselves and examine possible key reasons behind this resolution. Here are two comments I received:

Jamie wrote: my resolution is for me to join the Marines and I'm gonna lose this weight and then I'm going to take the entrance exam...then I'm going to swear in....the only thing standing in my way is the weight I have to lose...One thing that I noticed in some of the comments was that losing weight was only a means to an end. In other words, the real goal was something else, and losing weight was what they need to do to get there.

Kendra wrote: My goal is to lose 50 pounds; I have been struggling with my weight for a very LONG TIME. And I'm sick of being different from everybody else. So, this year I wanna lose weight and feel better about myself inside and out. But I think it's going to be hard because of all the other times if I wasn't seeing results I would give up. I hope I can finally do it.

So, joining the Marines and feeling better about oneself are the real reasons why Jamie and Kendra want to lose weight.

Having a clear and concrete reason for why you want to change something in your life will help you be successful.  Jamie very clearly wants to become a Marine.  If we were to press Jamie further, we would find lots of feelings about why losing weight is good.  But the clear and concrete goal of becoming a Marine is what will motivate Jamie to work at it.

What Jamie has done, and what Kendra can do as well, is to lock onto a reason for wanting to lose weight that is more concrete than feelings alone. In Kendra's case, improving the way she feels about herself is her main motivation. All of us want to feel better about ourselves for one reason or another.  And no doubt, some people have lost weight with that motivation alone, but is chasing those good feelings alone enough to keep her losing weight when some unexpected stress comes?

Without knowing the kind of things that motivate Kendra, it's hard to suggest a specific concrete reason that will help her focus on accomplishing her weight loss goal, but if she searches, I'm sure she can find one.

Here are a couple of additional things you can do to help keep you motivated to accomplish your resolution goals.

1.  Don't do it alone. - As I wrote in a previous blog, you've got to enlist someone to believe in you, be honest with you, and encourage you, and ideally pursue the goal with you. Accountability is a very motivating thing. Even professional athletes pair up to work out together in the offseason.  They need friends to hold them accountable and so do you and me.
2.  Do it for yourself, not for what others think. Being motivated by what others think or by trying to prove something to others (family, friends, enemies, anyone) can be a very powerful but addictive motivator.  It just keeps you hooked on other people's approval.

If you want to change an old habit or accomplish a new goal, find a clear and concrete reason to succeed, find someone who will join you in the effort, do it for yourself, and don't become a slave to other people's approval.

A Few Holiday Giving Tips to Help You Figure it Out. 

Giving gifts at Christmastime is a beautiful tradition. There is truly something special about expressing our love for one another with a special holiday gift. However, I think many people would agree with me when I say, gift-giving has gotten out of control. In fact, based on many comments that I have received I know many of you feel this way.

One person put it this way: I am spending money that I do not have, buying stuff for people that they do not need and often do not want. But I've got to do it. Many people feel the same way, but no matter how tight money gets, they just can't get away from the obligation.

With that idea in play, it is easy to get the feeling that your love for people is going to be measured by how much money you spend on them.

Here are some more comments:

Angela wrote: We recently lost our car n got an ugly 1 to replace it and drinks gas like water. I'm still living with family, and I have a kid and a bf and both of our families have money problems. So, while I try to buy presents I gotta save for a car, support gas, and support necessities in the fams. I got 2 jobs but they're both min wage

Tara wrote:What is the most difficult part of Christmas for me? Not having enough money to get my kids gifts. Had to borrow money this year.

Alma wrote: Feeling pressured to buy all ur family members' presents when u don't get money cos u don't get a freaking job!
Becky wrote: The most difficult part of Christmas for me is giving. not the act of giving. but trying to give ppl what they really want. I'm 13. really hard to get my mom what she wants when i have a budget of $50 total for presents.

The lack of money for presents has become the most common stress point during Christmas, robbing the season of the joy and peace it should bring.

I can really sympathize with parents who want to give to their kids. Kids don't yet understand about it being the "thought that counts," but they may not be as materialistic as we think either, especially little kids. How many parents have spent a small fortune on presents for their kids to open on Christmas morning, only to watch them spent the rest of the day playing with the boxes?

How many times have you gotten halfway through the presents on Christmas morning and realized if we stopped at that point, it would have been more than enough?

How did things get so crazy? A lot of it has to do with living in the most prosperous nation on earth. Yeah, I know, if you aren't experiencing that prosperity, living in the midst of it makes things worse. Sometimes I think it would be easier if everyone else just wasn't so prosperous. If you've been around grandparents during the holidays, you may have heard them talk about a small little gift they got for Christmas, a toy truck or a sled. And if you have been around your great grandparents, you might hear stories about getting an apple or a piece of candy for Christmas. It was their only present, they tell you, and they were so thrilled to get it. That was definitely the olden days.

A big part of the craziness is also the result of non-stop advertising. It's like they grab our kids' brains and make them think they are destitute without the latest toy or gadget. Beyond that, it seems that we have simply passed down the tradition from one generation to the next, each one trying to out-do the last. So, no matter how much great granddad talks about getting that single apple for Christmas, it doesn't change things. It's hard to put the materialistic toothpaste back in the tube.

So, knowing that we can't change our whole culture overnight, here are a few giving tips to consider today:

GIVING TIP for those short on cash: Try this approach: 1) Find out what a person really wants; 2) go for the better gift, something that is a long-term keeper; and 3) get brothers, sisters, aunts, uncle, parent, etc. to go in together. A better gift from 2-3 people usually trumps several little gifts.

GIVING TIP for when you don't know what to give: Ask for a Christmas Wish List from those you are buying for. Do you ever find yourself feeling the way Ciera or Heather feel?

Ciera wrote: What is the most difficult part for me? Figuring out what to get people.

Heather wrote: The most difficult part for me is having family members who will actually open up their gifts and say it's not what they wanted. It's hard when every year there is someone who is so blatantly ungrateful and unsatisfied. Kinda takes the Christmas spirit right out of me.

I think it is totally reasonable to ask everyone to whom you plan to give a gift for a wish list with price ranges from low to high. You might take the go-in-together approach on a more expensive gift, or you can go for one of the smaller gifts. Either way, by asking for the list, you avoid burdening yourself with the pressure of guessing what everyone wants.

GIVING TIP for when the joy of giving is gone: Consider making the suggestion to your family that rather than buying extra gifts for each other that you each give up one gift and use the money saved to buy something for someone in need.

Katherine wrote: The most difficult part is knowing that some people don't get to experience the joy that it brings because they think that if they don't have money they can't enjoy the season itself. 

Katherine can't stand the thought that there will be no joy for some kids because they won't have many presents. You can do something about this. There are SO many organizations in each town that do Toy Drives or Adopt a Family for Christmas programs.  A simple search should turn up multiple options for you to give to in your community. You might be amazed at the joy that helping someone else brings to both young and old alike. And maybe if you can't give a gift that costs money, you could serve others with your time.

Do You Want to Talk About Cheating?

Cheating can be an emotional topic, but it is good to talk about cheating openly in order to find the truth about it even if it is hard to face.  So, I want to look at two hard issues connected to cheating that I have talked to countless people about over the years.

It gets Harder to Press the Reset Button

Many people who have been hurt or cheated on many times in past relationships find that they now have a hard time simply pressing the reset button and starting over. They began with some idealistic notions about romance but eventually grew very discouraged and cynical about relationships and are losing hope. 

Take these comments for example:

Michelle wrote: Suggestions for finding the right guy? I don't think there are any. The right guys always seem to hurt you at some point. girls are better off waiting til they're older and making a living for themselves. i just dont believe there is a good enough guy, anywhere.

Crystal wrote: Life is so complicated. You spend more time trying to figure out where the previous relationship went wrong that you give up hope that you are meant to be with anyone.

Dave wrote: It's been three years now, and I still have trouble trusting women.

SW wrote: There's no hope for us, relationships will almost always fail, and believe me, i still haven't accepted this yet because it still scares me. I HOPE I'm not right about this.

HARD TRUTH

Just like many people who have lost a lot of money on bad investments are terrified of making new investment decisions, people who have been through several bad relationships are scared to jump back in. They are both said to be snake-bit.  People who have had a bad experience or two in relationships understand something that novice GFs/BFs don't yet know... relationships are not without risk. In other words, if you are not very careful about how much of your heart and emotions to invest in a relationship, you could get really hurt. Do that enough times, and you too can get snake-bit. I'm not saying you should give up; I'm just encouraging you to take it slow. Don't give your heart away too soon.

Related Posts:
How To Find A Meaningful Relationship
4 Ways To Avoid Heartbreak
Sex And Father Hunger
8 Signs Your Relationship Is Unhealthy

From Attraction...to Sex...to Boredom

It is remarkable how quickly some relationships go from the thrill of something new, to jumping in bed together, to talking about forever, to boredom, to talk about cheating, and eventually to break up.

Jeremy wrote:Why do guys cheat on their girlfriends? Boredom and things get stale. Guys see it as an excuse to look for something exciting to add that thrill back.

Briana wrote: Why do guys cheat? I think guys get bored easily. They want something new and fresh...And a new girl is new and fresh to them!

Anonymous wrote: I think guys cheat on their girlfriends because they get tired of kissing or having sex with the same chick. Especially when they are younger guys.

HARD TRUTH

There is a thing called the Law of Diminishing Return. Put simply, every time you go a little further physically with your BF/GF what you did before gets less and less thrilling.  To continue getting that same thrill, you have to go a little farther. But then after you've gone all the way, what else is there to do? If you want a relationship to last and not end up in boredom and cheating, don't go too fast! You need to take time along the way to base your relationship on more than just sex. So, take it slow.

Contrary to popular belief, sex doesn't keep a BF/GF; in fact, it often condemns the relationship to failure. There is deep sense of satisfaction and contentment in old friendships. Because you go way back and have a lot of good history together, you just feel comfortable and relaxed with each other. Nothing special needs to be happening, you just enjoy hanging out together. Relationships based on the thrill of sex or making out are just the opposite.

You get bored with each other after a while, there is no place farther to go, and someone begins looking for something new to get that thrill again.

For more on what to do if you have been cheated on or if you were the cheater, check out TheHopeLine's free eBook: Understanding Cheating.