My Story of My Relationship of Different Faiths

People Don’t Think We Should Be Together

“I grew up as a Christian. In my junior year I was introduced to this guy. We started talking and we started dating. Shortly after we were dating, he told me he did not believe in God. All the time, people are giving me bad looks or bad opinions because we believe in two separate things.” - Kayley

Kayley feels conflicted about her relationship with her boyfriend. She’s a Christian, she’s a follower of Christ and he doesn’t believe in God. We have a big lineup of peer-to-peer callers who want to give Kayley advice. Stay tuned, it’s going to be good!

Christian Dating an Atheist

Kayley: I’m a Christian. I’ve been a Christian my entire life. In my junior year I was introduced to this guy. We didn’t date or nothing like that, but something just kept me thinking about him. A year later, we started talking, and we started dating. Shortly after we were dating, he told me that he did not believe in God.

Dawson: Is he agnostic or an atheist?

Kayley: Some days it’s both, I don’t know. He has a lot of questions I can’t answer. Shortly after he told me that, he was involved in a very bad car accident, leaving my house, and almost died. He should have died.

Dawson: So, you started dating him out of high school?

Kayley: Yes, we were already graduated.

Dawson: And he was a flat-out atheist. Did that bum you out when you would talk about it and that’s what he would say he was?

Kayley: At first, it just caught me off guard, because I didn’t know how to go about it.  He had his car wreck. And before his car wreck I knew something was different about him. And I was like, I don’t know what it is. Then he told me that and I was like, that can’t be the different thing – I feel something different. Well, he had his car accident, nearly died, had to be airlifted to a hospital in Birmingham and could not walk for 6 months. He was in the ICU. It was just a very bad car accident. I stuck with him the entire thing, and we were dating a month when it happened.

We’ve been together 2 years next month now. The point of my call is all the time people are giving me bad looks or bad opinions because we believe in 2 separate things. I’m a Christian and he’s not, but what’s to say he won’t be one day. I know the Bible says we are supposed to be equally yoked, but what if I’m supposed to be there through his walk? Everybody gives me crap for it, but I don’t feel like what I’m doing is wrong.

I feel like if I told him, “You don’t believe in God, so I can’t be with you.” I feel like that would be worse than praying about it and showing him a good role model and a good Christian. He’s seen a lot of bad Christians and he knows a lot of people who are hypocritical and that’s what puts him off.

Relationship with God

Dawson: So, are you convinced that God wants you in this relationship in a romantic, intimate way? You’re saying, God says, clearly don’t be unequally yoked with unbelievers, but I’m going to write a waiver for you. This applies to everybody but Kayley.

Kayley: No, I don’t think that it’s that. I felt from the day I met him that there was always something different.

Dawson: So, your feelings in this case are more important than your relationship with God?

Kayley: No, I don’t think that. I’ve been praying about it, and I felt in my heart I needed to call and talk to you about it.

Dawson: Is your mind made up?

Kayley: What do you mean?

Dawson: I’m going to stay with him, and I’m going to be his wife no matter what. I love him and I feel something special that overrides what God has to say.

Kayley: No. We almost broke up a few weeks ago. I pretty much broke down and I told God, “God, if I’m not supposed to be with him, just tell me. I’ve been praying about it, and we’ve been working through the issues. I know that if I’m not supposed to be with him then God’s going to take care of me. I know that we don’t believe the same but is it still okay to be with someone as they are walking through. He has a lot of questions and is very curious.

Dawson: Would you agree with me that the whole trajectory of your life could be changed forever?

Kayley: I do.

Either way, God’s going to take care of me. Either I’m going to have to go through heartbreak or I’m going to have to go down a road and see where God takes me with it and see where He takes my boyfriend. 

Dawson: I could cut off my hand, and tell God I’m sorry and to help me, and He would, but my arm wouldn’t grow back.  

Making a Choice to Listen to God

Kayley: I don’t know if I mentioned, but we do live together too.

Dawson: OMG

Kayley: Because of the wreck, I lived at his house with his dad to help through everything and we did get so close so fast. You are right, this will change my life one way or another.

Dawson: Kayley, you are in deep. I’m a pro, and you stopped me in my tracks when you said that. I’ve taken over 40,000 calls and I’m sitting here, like, I can’t believe what I just heard. So, it’s not just an intellectual thing of God’s word versus my emotions. It’s I’ve become one with this guy, I’ve been intimate with him. Now, I’m really wrapped up.

Kayley: Yes, and that’s the scary part, because I’ve been getting back in church and praying more and doing what I’m supposed to do for myself. It’s scary to tell God to take over – make your choice – whatever is going to happen is going to happen. It definitely is a scary thing.

Dawson: Well, God’s answered your prayers, He’s brought you here tonight…if you want to listen to what God has to say?

Kayley: Yes.

Dawson: Stakes are high, Kayley. We are going to your peers for advice. What do you think?

Kayley: Okay.

Dawson: Can you handle it?

Kayley: Yes.

Peer to Peer Advice For Kayley:

Here’s advice for Kayley from Chelsea, Janet, Martha, Janna, Annie, Nicole, Taylor, Chris, Madonna, Doug, and Clara.

I’m Married to Someone Who Won’t Go to Church - Chelsea

Hi. Well, I'm married to someone who won't go to church with me. He hasn't come right out and said he's not a believer. But I will say that right now, where you are in your life, just imagine what God can do in your life. And I'm going to tell you, if you stay with this guy, your life is forever going to be about… okay, I can't do this because my husband/my boyfriend doesn't love Christ; instead of being engulfed in loving people through Christ, engulfed in whatever God has for your life.

If you want to have people over at your house and have Bible studies and things like that, and I'm not saying that that's your interest, but those things automatically become “no” because you are in a relationship with someone who does not love Christ. And that's a very profound thing because not only have you stepped out of God's will, but you are now hindering God's will. And I think that it's just not worth it. I love my husband. He's my best friend, but our two-year-old son is going to grow up with his daddy, not knowing Christ.

I pray every day, but I just keep thinking back, like what could I have been doing with my life? What things could God have been doing in my life that I'm not able to do now? I want to tell somebody about this because I don't want someone else walking through that path. Like I said, I love my husband. I love my church family, and I love that they pray for my husband, but there's just so much more that God has for you.

Would You Do it Over Again?

It's so tough, and I don't even want to think about it, because I have a beautiful son. We have a beautiful life. I would have definitely thought about it.

My Ex and I Weren’t On The Same Page With Our Faith - Janet

I had dated, he's now my ex-husband, I had dated him for 10 to 12 years, off and on. I had been away from my faith. I got back to my faith, wanting to live by faith and I had things telling me - my common sense - I realized later, telling me we weren't on the same page (equally yoked). I had that same feeling that Kaley did, like who am I to question where he is on his journey with God. And even though actually he did come to want to live a faith-filled marriage, my common sense told me that things weren't matching up. He wasn't living it. He was saying it, but he wasn't living it.

And at that time, I believed faith would override common sense. Actually, I've learned that faith includes your common sense. We're not on the same page. We're not equally yoked. We're not going in the same direction.

Don’t Settle for Less Than God Has for You - Martha

When you walk with God, you don't need to settle for that. I was in the same situation. I kept saying, “I'm going to save him.” I made a choice to just let go. You need to let go, because God's not a God of confusion. He's going to give you somebody who will bring you closer to Him, not pull you away.

You cannot be with God and be having a sexual relationship because he's not your husband. It’s just somebody that you're sleeping with. I think if you really want to walk with the Lord, just let go. This relationship, it needs to be yours. God's going to make a way for him to come back to you, but the right way.

When I did that, I walk with the Lord now better than before. And I learned something, this relationship, you don’t need to settle for that. God has your husband. God has the man for you. Just let him go because the enemy has many scams to pull you away from God. God has a call on your life. You’re going to delay your calling.

There Are Consequences to Your Choice - Janna

My mother was a Christian and knowingly married an unbeliever. And it was hell.  My dad did accept Christ, but I can tell you that my view of God, and even general psychology tells you that the child's view of God is based on their father, and it is. There are consequences to pay for when you go against what our heavenly father wants for you. What he wants for Kayley is an abundant life. And he's telling you, it's going to be a struggle if you do this. There are going to be consequences to pay. And I can tell you that the first question out of my mouth, when I saw my husband was, “Are you a believer?” That's the difference it made in my life. And I would have turned around and walked away if he said, “no”.

And I can't imagine raising teenagers because I have a young son now that's 21 and a marriage that was equally yoked. If my mind was busy oriented on my husband's liturgy, I couldn’t have done it. And my mother is now 75 and has Alzheimer's and she tells me she wouldn't have done it again. So, be extremely careful about your choice.

And there's an alternative. I was stopped in my tracks when I heard she had slept with him – because now there's a piece of her heart and soul with this man that will always be there. I would caution her against being even his friend. You know, that's kind of plan B, but he's watching her, he's watching her witness and she’s not being hypocritical if she's saying that I'm believing what the Bible says. In other words, when you become a Christian or when you can go to church or when you're a believer, then we can have a relationship. God can work in mighty ways, but it's not Kayley's job. It's the Holy Spirit’s job. It's her job to pray and to do the right thing in her life.

Go Back to Scripture When You Need to Hear From God - Annie

She had said she had called in because she had this question and she also felt like she knew, but she also wanted to hear from God on the issue. And so that was the first thing that stuck out. And so, I wanted to say, we always go back to scripture when we need to hear from God. It's about what he says in his scripture as our primary point of hearing his direction on topics like this one. And so, he's already given his answer and he said, don't be unequally yoked. We have to decide if we're going to obey what he says or are we going to try and seek other answers that are actually more along the lines of what we want to hear. And so that's really hard, it's a hard truth. It's not this battle between justice and mercy. It is what he says.

But then we can also go to what he says in Philippians 4:19, “My God will supply all your needs, according to his riches in Christ Jesus.” And in Hebrews 11: 6, he says that he is a rewarder of those who seek him. So, when we take him at his word, which is literally in the scripture and says, don't do this. And we choose to believe that what he says is best for us, then he will supply all of her needs when she decides to get out of that relationship. And he will reward her faith in him for seeking him and choosing to believe that he is what he says that he is.

I Thought I Could Change Him - Nicole

I was actually in Kaylee’s situation about a year ago. I knew going in that he was an atheist, and I knew going in that I was a Christian. I kind of had that same idea that maybe my convictions would lead him. But in the end, the only thing that happened was - I started to grow weary in my faith and I started to go away from Christ. And I think that kind of goes back to the saying that, you know, if they're not leading you to Christ, then they're leading you away from Christ. Said another way, it's always easier to pull somebody down that its to pull somebody up. You don't see it sometimes, but just not going to church every week starts to wear on you.

God Wants the Best for You - Taylor

I just wanted to tell Kaylee that she is loved, and she is worthy. She is special, that God knows all the hairs on her head. He knows everything that's going on with her life and he would not want her to entertain any kind of sin. He has someone special for her and she needs to just wait on him and pray for him. And as she prays and as she goes to church, God will put it on her conscience that what she's doing is wrong and it's not in his will. And don't violate that Kayley, listen to it. So, your faith is not shipwrecked, because with God all things are possible. He is good. He is God. He loves you so much and wants nothing but good for you. And he will surely give you that, but you have to trust him, and you have to follow him, and you have to obey his commands that he asks of you. He only asks them for your good, because he loves you and he wants the best for you.

I have been in a situation where I was doing the same thing, like missionary dating, trying to show someone God, through dating them. And I ended up with a child out of wedlock and now my child doesn't have a good Godly father and he doesn't have an example and there's just so much hurt and pain that comes with living out of God's will. And you don't have to have that baby. What is the relationship – with God it could conquer anything. Good things are worth waiting for!

Sometimes We Need a Little Bit of Tough Love - Chris

I do have advice for Kaylee.  You were just speaking about the truth, and sometimes we need just a little bit of tough love. What it all boils down to is… the truth is the most important thing here. First of all, I'd like to say when a Christian dates a non-believer - you have to ask yourself, why have I become so complacent in my walk with the Lord that I feel comfortable or that better yet, they feel comfortable being around me. And also, scriptures tell us what fellowship has light with the darkness and it tells us not to be unequally yoked.

Dawson: Okay, you got me thinking when you were talking there about…Why would they want to be around you? You know, Jesus made people nervous. It says in Isaiah, he was like one from whom men hide their faces. Jesus was so full of being Jesus. God in the flesh…perfect God, perfect man, Jesus Christ. When he walked in the room, either you were drawn to him because you wanted to deal with your spiritual needs or you got out of there, because you did not want to be around a man. Peter said, “Have nothing to do with me, you holy man.” Whoa, what was that? Jesus flashed a little deity on him - that's what that was about. So, you have to ask yourself the question. Why would somebody who is not trusting Christ? Why would they feel comfortable around us? Because we are the light of the world.

Chris: We can't settle for the things that we're willing to settle for when God has got so much better for us.

Why Do You Need to Give Up Yourself for Someone Else? - Madonna

I walked this walk that Kaylee's walking and I'm an old lady now. And I have some maybe wisdom to share that maybe Kelly needs to ask herself why she feels that she needs to give up herself for somebody else. Because I've been in relationships with people and not never been in a relationship with somebody that totally didn't believe in God, but there've been a lot of people that I've been in relationships with that weren't having a relationship with God. And then I married a man who was the spiritual head of my household. And I learned from him that when it says in the Bible to be submissive, we Americans living with the submissive word today - don't get it. That man loves me so much.

Dawson: Because you've made the right choices here. You are older than 29, let's put it that way and the fruit continues in your life, even as you are in your later years.

Right, where before I wanted to save somebody else and in wanting to save that other person, I was losing myself.

It’s Hard to Be Single and Hold Out for the Right Person - Doug

I just wanted to tell you I'm a single dad of three, and I raise my kids full-time by myself. I’ve probably been single for over a year now. And I know how hard it is to be single and hold out for the right person and trust God for that person. But if you don't do that then you're going to end up in a bad situation and you're not going to have God to intervene in that situation because of the disobedience that you had towards him. C.S. Lewis said, “If you're not seeking God, the devil is seeking you.”

Listen to God Tugging on Your Heart Right Now - Clara

I just wanted to tell Kayley that I was in the same position as you a couple of years ago. I was in a relationship with an atheist. I'd grown up in a Christian household, but I was not on fire for Christ, but God was definitely tugging on my heart. I think that's something that he may be doing to you right now, which led you to call and seek advice. I would just encourage you to listen to God's tugging on your heart right now, Kayley, because I think he is calling you to something greater. And I definitely took that calling from God when I was in the relationship and out of obedience, he blessed me.

How Hard Was it to Walk Away?

It was the hardest thing possibly ever, but God has blessed me abundantly. Well, this is what happened - once I decided to leave the relationship, I decided to commit my life to Christ again.  I was all in for Christ. I decided that I'm either going to stay in this relationship and not be sold out for Christ. Or I can follow Christ and be obedient because I know that's what God wants. I want to be in heaven with God. I don't want to live in the darkness. So, I committed my life to Christ, and started attending church again. A year after, I met my wonderful husband and I've been married for a year and a half now. I'm just so thankful that I have somebody that can pray with me when I need help in the middle of the night, when I wake up from a nightmare and he can assure me that everything's okay. You don't need to fear anything because you have God. And that, that advice is just so comforting to have somebody that could be that for you.

Dawson: So, you put yourself in a position after you've broken up with this other guy, when that was the hardest thing you ever did. And then where did you meet your husband at church or where?

Clara: Yes, I met my husband at church.

Dawson: You know, when you're looking for a man or a woman in your life… church. Church beats the bars; I can tell you that.

Clara: Definitely. So, everyone told me at the time, “Follow your heart.” They were thinking, your heart is with this guy, you love this guy. But you know what? God was tugging on my heart more than this guy.

Dawson: You know, that's just so bogus. Follow your heart. Go with your heart. What!?! We know emotions are strong and powerful and God's given us emotions, but the Bible also says, guard your heart. Why would we have to guard our heart if God didn't want us to, you know what I'm saying? God said, guard your heart because you got to protect it for out of it comes the issues of life. Not when I go to Kroger to get food, these are decisions that put your whole life on a different trajectory - out of them come the issues of life. I'm just having a hard time with this - trust your heart. I don't trust my heart.

Clara: Yes, trust God, the maker of the universe.

Dawson: Yes, try the maker of the universe rather than your little pitter-patter heart and God will change our desires to and reshape our hearts. When we put our hearts ahead of obedience - now we're in trouble, it's better to obey than to sacrifice, God says.

Clara: It was a great experience. And honestly, in that moment I had to choose, am I going to be a testimony to my boyfriend at the time who's seen how serious I'm taking my commitment. And I feel like that was an even greater testimony of my walk with Christ to show him that perseverance and faith.

Your Will Versus God’s Will

It’s interesting…so often we as Christians want to live in the world and do everything the world does, but also have a relationship with God and have His blessing on our lives.

If you are a follower of Christ…what does God want from you? Jesus says the most important commandment is, “Love the Lord your God with all of your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.” (Mark 12:30) It’s really hard to love God with your all, when you are partnered with someone who doesn’t believe. The ideal is that the person you’re in a relationship with, will see God’s love through you and accept Christ as their savior and embrace the faith…but so often that doesn’t happen. Is it worth taking the chance that they will never believe?

We had such great insights from our peer-to-peer callers. Thank you to Chelsea, Janet, Martha, Janna, Annie, Nicole, Taylor, Chris, Madonna, Doug, and Clara. So many of you were able to speak from personal experience…which is priceless!

I heard the emotion in Chelsea’s voice when she was talking about how her 2-year-old son is going to grow up with a dad who doesn’t know Christ. Chelsea, is married to a man, and clearly a good man, but she really understands the depths of what that means for her and her son that he doesn’t believe in God.

Martha talked about how God has a call on your life, Kayley. And that is true for each and every person. God has a call on your life. Do you want to the fullness of God’s calling, or do you want to be in conflict for the rest of your life? If you marry someone who doesn’t share your faith, there will be conflict. And maybe you are just dating someone. If you’re dating someone - you could potentially fall in love with them which could lead to marriage – so don’t even mess around dating someone who is not a follower of Christ (who’s not someone you would marry).

The culture tells us to follow our heart – I mean we are spoon-fed this from Disney movies from the time we are toddlers – follow your heart. But God tells us to guard our hearts. Proverbs 4:23, “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” Scripture also says, “For from within, out of a person’s heart, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, greed, wickedness…and more.” It is only through God’s grace we are transformed, and our hearts are made new.

There are many times throughout our lives, we have to choose to follow Jesus – are we going to follow Christ and obey him or are we going to go our own way? Kayley is at that crossroads in her life right now. Which will she choose…will she obey God or do what she thinks is right for herself? She says she will think about what has been shared today.

Thank you for listening and being a part of this podcast. If you have an opinion or experience, you’d like to share, please post in the comments. If you are struggling with a big decision and need advice, need Godly wisdom, visit us at TheHopeLine.com.

Other Related Podcast Episodes:

• How to Find God – EP 32
• How to Avoid Sexual Temptation as a Christian – EP 42
• Ronnie’s Life Changing Decision – EP 9

Resources on Relationships:

• Guard Your Heart Dating Relationships
• 7 Signs of an Unhealthy Soul Tie
• Learn More About God

Relevant eBooks:

• Understanding Dating

Need to talk to someone? Chat with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine.

One last thing,

Dawson’s podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now on our Give Now page.

This is the Dawson McAllister Podcast, and until next time…Remember you are loved, you are valuable, and God has an amazing plan for your life. – Rachel

I Wish I Didn’t Have So Many Anger Problems

Evan shares, “At this moment, I’m calling you with a broken hand, because this past Thursday on the last day of school, I had a bit of a dispute with a teacher. And I punched two lockers and I had broken my hand.

I really wish I didn’t have as many anger problems as I do, because there are so many people that I know that tell me, “Oh, that Evan, he’s an intelligent guy. He’s really nice to people.” And sometimes I say to myself, if I’m so nice like people say, why does this have to happen?

It’s really bad. It got so bad that last summer I had been driven to stuff like marijuana use, and cigarette use because of my anger problems. Thankfully, I quit doing those two things, but it had gotten so bad I had been driven to do those things. I just wish I wasn’t the person I am.”

Who Are You Angry At?

Evan, “Just a lot of people. I’ve been suspended. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve been suspended at school, I’d be very rich. I would usually get suspended for mostly just reacting or responding to people who bully me. Because I’m not a popular kid at school and I get bullied pretty much every single day I show up at school.

I would even get in physical altercations with people who bully me all the time and I would be the one who gets in trouble. And I don’t want to be a physically violent person. I’ve even gone to those people and said, “Please, don’t do this anymore.” And they don’t listen. And sometimes I feel getting into bad physical altercations with them is basically the only way I can get it through their heads to say, “Hey, you’re affecting me bad, and I don’t want you doing that.”

Dawson: Are you a Christian?

Evan: No, technically I’m Catholic; however, I don’t really go to church.

Dawson: So, you don’t really have Christ in your life?

Evan: Not as much as I should.

Dawson: Well, either He is in your life or He’s not in your life. This is not a halfway God.

The reason I’m asking that is this is very deep. This is very serious. You have no place to go right now, but down. Whether they even let you in school next year is problematic. And you’re going to kill somebody, or someone is going to kill you.

Evan: Ya, and I don’t want that to happen.

Dawson: So, the situation with you is – your issues are so great, so deadly that unless God steps in and gives you the power to love, gives you the power to forgive, gives you the courage to face up to whatever is causing such rage in you. What hope do you have? You have no hope without the power of God.

Evan: I’ve lost my hope.

Dawson: Well, you can find it tonight. I’ll be totally candid with you. My goal is to help you find Jesus Christ, because that’s the only hope you have. I can give you 10 little self-help things to do when you are angry, but they don’t work with you. You’ve been so enraged for so long and so enraged to find answers. You’ve been hurt so many times. I’m going to have the friends in our community, some of them have been through what you’ve been through and most of them have come to Christ. They’d like to encourage you and love on you so that’s what we are going to do.

Peer to Peer Advice for Evan: 

Have you been through challenges similar to Evan? Do you have advice to share with him?

We heard from Deedra, Dakota, and Danielle. They poured out love and encouragement for Evan! Here’s their advice:

Call Out to God, He’s There for You – Deedra

When I took this journey through Christ, it has been amazing. That’s all I can say! One thing that one of my very good friends has told me is anytime you feel you are struggling, and you don’t know what to do. You don’t know how to communicate to yourself, and you don’t know what to say, all you have to do is call His name and He is there for you. He’s there with you all the time, no matter what. He knows you by name. If you just call out to Him, He will always be there.

That’s one thing I’ve learned, is that anytime I feel that my past or my enemies have come up to me, all I have to do – in the name of Jesus Christ, I need you to cover me and guide me today. It is a wonderful feeling!

I always felt like I was missing something in my life, but once I asked Jesus back into my life, I can’t explain the things that have happened.

Don’t ever forget – He is there. He will always be there, and He will never leave your side.

You Have to Let Things Go – Dakota

I’ve gone through kind of the same thing you have. I was adopted. I didn’t like the family really. I was just mad, and I couldn’t stop being mad. My word of encouragement for you is…you look at Moses, several people in the Bible have anger problems. Moses still was a man of God, but he was still able to do miracles even though he was a hothead. Whenever something like that comes up, you have to let it go. It’s never easy. It’s not going to help you being mad at everything all the time.

I Was an Angry Child, But God is a Healer – Danielle

I was listening and I thought about all the things I went through as a child and how anger destroyed my life and relationships. So, I can empathize with him.

It will be a struggle, but with God, nothing is impossible. You will make it through. Join a church. Join a group of friends that are believers in Christ, and you can grow in Christ. You can build a relationship with positive people and positively grow in Christ.

It’s okay that sometimes you will fall back. I’ve been an angry child most of my life. I’m a survivor of sexual abuse and sexual assault. So, I was really angry. I was angry at God, angry at the other people, angry at myself. But God is a healer. He makes everything whole. He makes everything new. So, just hang in there.

Evan Accepts Christ

Dawson: Evan, are you with me my friend?

Evan: Yes

Dawson: Had enough of the old life?

Evan: Yes, definitely.

Dawson: Would you repeat this prayer after me?

Evan: Yes

Dawson: Boy, you’re ready aren’t you?

Evan: Yes, definitely.

Dawson: Repeat after me:

Dear God,

I need you. I realize I have rebelled against you. But Christ has died on the cross for my sins and is risen and has forgiven me. And right now, I ask that Christ would come into my life. And, Lord, I pray that you would help me see that you are in my life, and I am changed.

In Jesus name, Amen.

Congratulations, Evan, Christ has come into your life!

This is incredible! Evan accepting Christ! Woohoo! It is truly completely life-changing!

So, once you accept Christ, most of the time your circumstances are still the same, right? BUT – here’s the big BUT – BUT now you’ve God on your side and with you.

As Deedra said, when you don’t know what to do, when you’re struggling – when you’re angry you can call out to God, and He hears and helps. It’s one of those things that it’s hard to believe how powerful God is, until you experience it yourself. Once you surrender yourself to God, accept Him as your savior, and allow him into your life, you will see the huge difference God makes.

God will do things like:

• Heal you from past abuse
• Give you wisdom on how to handle a difficult situation
• Fill you with peace
• Help you with anger issues

As Danielle said, she was sexually abused and assaulted as a child. She’s dealt with anger for a long time from what happened, but God is healing her.

When we have emotional struggles like dealing with anger – God doesn’t necessarily take it all away in one fell swoop – He can, but oftentimes He slowly works on us – bit by bit, rubbing away at the rough edges. Allowing us to work through our pain with His help.

Dakota said you have to let things go – you can do that with God’s help.

And I’m just going to repeat what Deedra said,
Don’t ever forget – God is there. He will always be there, and He will never leave your side.

Psalm 18:28-30 “For You, O LORD, light my lamp; my God lights up my darkness. For in You I can charge an army, and with my God I can scale a wall. As for God, His way is perfect; the word of the LORD is flawless. He is a shield to all who take refuge in Him.”

A big thank you to Evan, for being with us on this podcast and for being so authentic and lovely! As well as a heartfelt thank you to Deedra, Dakota, and Danielle – why do you all have names that start with D? That’s funny! You all rock! You had such great advice!

Most of all though we want to thank our listeners, we hope this podcast has given you some great truths to reflect on. And if you’re going through something, chat with us at TheHopeLine.com.

Other Related Podcast Episodes:

How to Deal with Anger – EP 23

Stop Anger From Destroying Your Dreams – EP 29

Ronnie’s Life Changing Decision – EP 9

Resources for Anger:

• What is Anger?
• How to Deal With Anger?
• How to Manager Your Anger
• Using Your Anger for Good
• How to Stop Being Mad About Things Beyond Your Control
• Learn More About God

Relevant eBooks:

• Understanding A Relationship with God and the Basics of Christianity

Need to talk to someone? Chat with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine.

One last thing,

Dawson’s podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now on our Give Now page.

This is the Dawson McAllister Podcast, and until next time…Remember you are loved, you are valuable, and God has an amazing plan for your life. – Rachel

What to Know About Guarding Your Heart in a Relationship?

Have you been told, "Always guard your heart"?

Be sure to guard your heart can be good advice. But I find it a little vague. It begs the question, "what precisely am I guarding my heart from? And how would I go about protecting it?" I would like to spend some time looking into these questions further because if we can figure out how to protect our hearts, I believe we can avoid a lot of pain and problems.

So first...What do you need to guard your heart from? I believe the main thing that we are protecting our hearts from is believing lies from the world...lies about:

• our value
• what brings happiness
• how to spend our time
• what is good
• what is beautiful
• what's most important
• who's most important, etc.

So then how do you guard your heart from all these lies?

Well, this may sound too simple, but we need to fill our hearts with truth and believe it, so that when a lie comes our way, we are ready to fight it off with the truth.

In all my years working with teens and young adults I have combatted so many lies that have caused extreme heartache.  I would like to tackle many of these lies.

So let's start today with the first thing that comes to most people's mind when they think of protecting their hearts...dating relationships.

Lie #1 - I am valuable only when I have a boyfriend/girlfriend who says they love me.

Truth - You are valuable because you are fearfully and wonderfully made by a God who loves you. Your value does not depend on another person's opinion of you.

Heart Protection - By believing this truth, your heart is protected from feeling worthless when a relationship ends. I recently heard it said, If you live for someone's praise, you die by their rejection.Know that your boyfriend/girlfriend didn't define your value. God does.

Lie #2 - I can ignore my boyfriend/girlfriend's bad behaviors. I will be able to change them.

Truth - A disrespectful person will most likely stay disrespectful, an addict will often stay an addict, a cheater will often stay a cheater until THEY decide to change. You can encourage someone to make better choices, support them and pray for them, but don't think your love alone will change them.

Heart Protection -  When you believe this truth, you won't ignore bad behaviors and naively believe the other person will change. You will protect your heart from getting too deep into a relationship with someone who will hurt you.

Lie #3 - Having sex is no big deal.  Everybody's doing it.

Truth - Sex is a big deal. It is not just a physical act. It is deeply emotional. Rushing into sex because of raging hormones clouds your judgment of the other person and can lead to a relationship built on nothing more than lust. You are strong enough to wait.

Heart Protection - If you believe the truth that you are strong enough and worthy enough to wait to have sex until you are married, you will save your heart from feeling empty or perhaps used or cheap when the relationship ends. Read more on my blog A Condom for the Heart 

Start planting these three truths in your heart today and save yourself a lot of heartache!

I Feel Like I Am Not Good Enough for My Boyfriend/Girlfriend

Amelia asked, "I've been with my boyfriend for about three months now and he's great, but I just feel like I'm not good enough for him. I'm 19, he's 21, and he's perfect, but I always feel like I'm being compared to his ex-girlfriend from three years ago, or that I'm just not good for him. He says that's not true, but I can't get past the feeling that he's too good for me. It's starting to affect our relationship; how do I get over this?"

I think there are a couple of issues going on here.

How to Feel Like Enough in a Relationship

Too High of a Pedestal

First, you say your boyfriend is perfect. Even without knowing him, I can assure you he isn't. We always make a mistake when we make someone we care about our hero or even our god. It's great to respect your bf/gf but putting them too high on a pedestal puts way too much pressure on them and on the relationship.

Seeing each other in a more realistic light, with both strengths and weaknesses, will help your relationship to be more balanced and healthier.

What Would Make You Feel Good Enough?

But the bigger issue is you not feeling good enough for him. Likely, no matter what he tells you, you will continue to think that he brings so much more to the relationship than you do. So let me ask you, is there anything that would make you feel good enough for him? I desire that you will start seeing yourself as worthy. God has made each of us as incredibly unique individuals. If God, the creator of the universe sees you as worthy and desires a relationship with you, you should see yourself as at least equal to your boyfriend and worthy of his love. You have just as many wonderful qualities as your boyfriend, even if you're not aware of them right now.

I encourage you to read this important blog about How to Respect Yourself.

It's important for you to accept the love your boyfriend/girlfriend is giving you, and not just write it off because you don't feel you deserve it. If you continue to talk about not feeling good enough, there's a good chance your bf/gf is going to become discouraged because your relationship seems to be so negative, and move on to someone else. Stop focusing on your weaknesses and only his/her strengths. Start seeing both yourself and him or her in a more realistic light, with both strengths and weaknesses. This will help your relationship to be more balanced and healthy.

So stop worrying about your imperfections, and concentrate on loving your bf/gf. When we really love others, we end up feeling a whole lot better about ourselves.

Another question I was asked about dating along the same lines is this:

Braden asked, "Is it normal for a girl to break up for no reason? If so, why?" 

The short answer to your question is no.

Most People Don't Do Things Like Breaking Up With Someone for No Reason at All

Girls don't usually say, "Oh, it's Tuesday, I think I'll break up with my boyfriend today." It's usually a series of either events, conversations with friends, or private feelings that lead to someone breaking up with you.

Often, when a break-up happens out of the blue, it's because there's someone else who has entered the picture. Or maybe her friends are putting pressure on her to end the relationship. Sometimes you will never know the real reason. She's probably not telling you her reasons, either to protect herself or protect you from getting mad or hurt.

We will never completely understand the opposite sex, and all the reasons they feel what they feel, and do what they do.

Still, sometimes the not knowing why is more difficult than the actual break-up. I'd encourage you to let her have her reasons, whatever they may be, and not let it haunt you. If you are willing to do that, you'll find yourself learning to be a better, stronger person.

There are always going to be unanswered questions in dating relationships. We will never completely understand the opposite sex, and all the reasons they feel what they feel, and do what they do. Don't let this girl's lack of communication prevent you from being a person who chooses to be truthful and honest with the girls you date. 

Want more help with not feeling good enough? Read: This Hole in My Soul

When it comes to dating relationships, there are a lot of guys who never think about dangerous and troubled girls. Some guys only ask the question, "Is she hot?" And if the girl will go out with him, he considers himself lucky.

He has given no thought to the emotional landmines that may lie ahead or the consequences of dating the wrong girl. Dating is a process that should be dealt with carefully. On my radio show, Dawson McAllister Live, I have heard many heartbroken guys who have gotten mixed up with all the wrong girls.

Avoid the Heartbreak

Now I'm not trying to bash women at all. I have tremendous respect for women. However, the truth is that some women are not in a good place to start a relationship. If you think I'm tough here, read my blog about cheating guys. All I'm trying to do is save both sexes from a world of hurt that could be avoided by making the right dating choices.

Sometimes the date you don't have is the best date you'll ever have.

Here are three characteristics you would be wise to avoid:

Those who are morally and spiritually bankrupt

You have seen this kind of woman. She can be a knockout. But in her heart, she's a mess. She's beautiful on the outside, but ugly on the inside. She has very little conscience and doesn't care what's right or wrong. She's shallow and doesn't think about what's really important. This troubled girl doesn't care who she hurts and likely has been hurt herself. She is disrespectful of everything, including herself.

It's sad to see. But the truth is, starting a relationship with a girl like this, at this point in her life, is not going to be good for you or for her.

If they don't respect themselves then how will they respect, you?  In fact, if she doesn't respect herself, she won't respect your friends, your family, your hobbies, all that is you.

Likewise, the girl who uses her body to lure guys to her, doesn't respect herself. By dressing provocatively, she's telling guys to look at my body and not into my heart. Sarah commented about warning her brother about this kind of girl:  I would tell my brother to date a girl who covers herself up. Too many girls think that skin is the latest in fashion trends. I think a girl who covers up shows that she respects herself. You can see integrity, honor, and purity in her.

She may be flashy and talk trashy, but if you get involved with her, you may end up feeling like trash, because inside she's cold as ice. Tara commented, If a woman is willing to sleep with him on the first date then she has probably done that with every guy she has been with. And never be stupid enough to believe the very common line given by a lot of women...' I don't usually do this on the first date, but I really like you.' That has *** written all over it!!

Or as Katie said, Don't date someone with low moral standards. Don't think you can change your girlfriend with just your example. Don't risk letting her bring you down to her level. 

Those who are high maintenance

Have you ever dated a girl who is constantly negative and attacking? No matter what you do for her, it's never enough. She has tremendous mood swings and seems to be at war with the world and it's just a matter of time when she will be at war with you. She wants everything her way and right now. The nicest name you can call her is Miss High Maintenance.

She will consume you and belittle you, tearing down your self-esteem. In the end, she will leave you feeling exhausted and defeated. High-maintenance girls are never satisfied with anything anyone does for them. They have high expectations with steep price tags. Weed out those girls who can't fall in love with simple things like a walk in the park or a day at the beach. (Cassie)

This girl is highly controlling and manipulative. She's the kind of girl that can get inside your head and turn you every which way but loose. Any girl that can make you feel guilty about yourself or that can manipulate your thoughts of who you are is not worth it. (Kristen)

Those who need you to "fix" them 

These are the girls who bring tons of drama into a dating relationship. Drama is all she knows. It's like every day something awful is happening to her. Often, this girl is extremely clingy, craving attention.

Tragically, she looks to her boyfriend to come to her rescue and make everything perfect. It's like she can't stand up for herself, so she needs her boyfriend to be Superman. She doesn't understand her boyfriend can't heal her. She likely needs counseling and emotional healing from people far more trained and objective than her hero boyfriend. Some guys think they can rescue and heal needy girls. It's called the Wounded Bird Syndrome. But sooner or later, they find out they can't fix her.

Never go out with a girl who has major insecurities about herself because you might think you can fix her problems. I've known some guys to go out with girls or become friends with girls to help them but throwing yourself into a relationship with that person and relying on yourself to fix everything is not healthy and will end up making you emotionally and physically exhausted. (Kristen)

Take your Time

Dating can be confusing and even risky. No one goes into a dating relationship hoping to get hurt or to ruin their lives, but it happens to thousands of teenagers and young adults every day. My advice to all who are dating is to be careful, careful, and more careful. It's a jungle out there and you only have one heart. So, don't let it be broken by dating the wrong person.

For more on this topic, listen to the advice I give Cory who keeps dating girls who cheat on him.  Check out Ask Dawson's -  How Can I Get A Girlfriend Who Won't Cheat?

I talk a lot about how people seem to be in such a hurry to rush into a dating relationship. I always emphasize how important it is to develop a strong friendship as a foundation before heading into romance. Say you've done this, what's next?

Lucy asked our first 'best guy friend' question:

Does my best guy friend like me as more than just a friend? And how do I know if he is falling in love with me?

Maybe you are wondering, "Is this really love?"

Friendship and dating are very important. In the end, best friends make great marriages. That being said, since you didn't say what your feelings are for this guy, I'm guessing you don't have romantic feelings for him. So for him, this is unquestionably a very delicate situation.

If he is actually falling in love with you, he's probably scared and nervous about you finding out, since he doesn't know how you'll respond.

He doesn't want to do anything to jeopardize the friendship you already have. That's a good thing.  Friendships are priceless and need protecting and nurturing so they will grow.

How to Know if a Friend Has Feelings for You

Here are a couple of questions you may want to ask yourself:

1. When you talk with your friend about other people who you are dating, or are interested in, is he supportive and encouraging, or does he become quiet and distant?

• A friend will be supportive, but someone whose emotions are clouded with the possibility of being in love will tend to have a more emotional response.

2. Does he want to spend time only with you, or is he okay doing things with you and others? 

• A friend is willing to share you with others, but someone who is trying to balance their emotional feelings toward you may tend to be a bit more possessive.

In the end, you will need to communicate with each other and define what your relationship really is.

Even though it may hurt him, if you don't have the same feelings for him that he has for you, knowing the truth is always better than not.

However you feel about him, I'm sure what you tell him will be filled with love and respect. After all, a good close friend of the opposite sex is priceless.

Rebecca brings us our next question about moving from friendship to dating:

How can you tell if the friendship should go to the next level?

The decision to take a friendship to the next level, from friendship to a dating relationship, has to be mutual. Both sides have to agree that they want to go deeper with the other person.

These Things Have to Be Talked Out.

Unless they are talked out, there can be confusion and hurt feelings. So whoever brings up the subject has put themselves in somewhat of a vulnerable position. Yet, good friendships can endure these trying times.

The Best Thing I Can Tell You is to Be Patient.

Let the relationship grow, and when you feel like you're ready, I'd encourage you to find a time when the two of you are alone, and try bringing up the topic. With a friendship based on honesty and trust, you will be able to face the challenge of being vulnerable.

The Right Thing to Say:

Try saying something like, "You're a great friend, and I don't ever want that to change. And honestly, I've always wondered if this friendship would ever turn into something deeper. But I'm not sure how we would know. Do you have any ideas?" Asking him for his opinion is a great way to show you value what he thinks and feels, and you'll find out if you're on track.

Let's assume for a moment that your guy friend agrees with you about taking the relationship to the next level. What then should you do? I would encourage you to sit down together and make a list of the things you have been doing that have made your friendship so strong. Commit to keep doing them, and your relationship will automatically grow. But be extremely careful about becoming very affectionate and sexual with each other. I have seen so many potentially great relationships ruined by the misuse of sex. As someone once said, if you settle for cheap sex, you will never discover priceless love.

Life is short. So be open and honest with your feelings, but be prepared for them not to be reciprocated. But with him knowing how you feel, you very well might open the door for him to start seeing you in a different, more romantic light.

 Still wondering if the feelings are mutual? Read this blog to find out if it's really love. 

How Do I Find the Right Person?

Why Is It So Difficult to Find the Right Person?

Dating can be exciting, thrilling, fun but it can also be a total bummer! Trying to find the right person in the billions that are out there. Going out with different people all the time, trying to find someone you not only get along with, but you really connect with. It can be exhausting and frustrating! And when you can’t find the right person, it can make you feel as if you’re doing it all wrong.

This leads me to our guest for this episode of The Dawson McAllister Podcast, who is Heather. She’s 22 years old and wants to know why she’s never found a deep enough connection with someone that she’s ready to invest her life with.

• Is Heather doing something wrong?
• Is she spending too much time and energy on her career?
• Are there no good guys where she’s at?

Here’s Heather’s story:

I’m stuck in a little bit of self-doubt. I’m going between work and school and an internship. I’m finding myself in this position where I’m being offered a job that I’m really excited about. But with all of this progression in my life, I’m finding that my dating life is just not there. I go on dates, but I don’t seem to find any sort of connection. I don’t get the feeling that this is somebody to be spending my time with. But I feel that way with almost everyone and I don’t know if it’s something I’m doing wrong or that I should be feeling different or I should be more open?
It’s not like relationships are my main goal right now, I have so much going for me, but I sit there sometimes and wonder if I’m doing something wrong.

So, you want a guy in your life?

Sometimes I feel like it would be nice. I don’t have this extreme urge. I don’t feel like it’s life or death if I don’t have someone there, but yes, sometimes I think it would be nice.

So, you’re asking, how can I balance my work, my school, and yet also find that special someone?

Yes, how can I balance it all and how come I haven’t found someone, even though I’ve gone on date after date with so many different people. I have a very active social life, but I’ve never found that connection with someone that’s made me feel like investing in them. I don’t know if it’s because I’m not taking the time, or I’m not going at it properly. I meet wonderful people sometimes, but at the same time, I get this doubt, and I think, maybe this isn’t where I want to be.

Peer to Peer Advice for Heather: 

Heather receives advice from her peers, from people who’ve been there and want to encourage her.

You can’t make love happen. – Elizabeth

First off, she said she feels as if she was doing something wrong, and that she should be putting herself out there more. And I just want to say, if she feels in in her heart that something is truly not right, I really don’t think that she should be pushing it. Because about a year ago, I was in the same shoes as her, and I was just actively seeking relationships and pushing myself. I thought to myself if this guy likes me, how come I don’t like him.

I actually fell in love with someone else, and I was dating someone else at the time. I obviously had to break it off and be with the person I loved. I realized I can not make love happen. It’s something that happens on its own. If you get impatient waiting for it, the second you give up is usually the second you find the person. That has happened so often and that’s what happened with me.

I don’t think she should totally give up, but not feeling right about something is not the way to go.

You shouldn’t have to settle. – Chase

Heather, you’re only 22. You have so much life ahead of you. It sounds like you have a lot of good things going for you. You’re rooted in your career and you're ambitious. It doesn’t seem like you are desperate to find somebody. Of course, it’s always nice to have someone there for you, who cares for you, but you have so much time. As Elizabeth said, if the right person is not there, that doesn’t mean something is wrong with you or you're too picky. You shouldn’t have to settle. It just means the Lord hasn’t blessed you with the right person yet.

As far as balancing your work and career and searching for someone, the key is being rooted in the Lord…which sounds like you are. The biggest thing is to pray. When your questioning, Is this the right person? Do I need to settle? Pray to the Lord, and then wait and listen for His response.

Psalms has a great verse, “I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you.” (Psalm 63:5)

Think about the best dinner you’ve ever had at the nicest restaurant. Think about how you felt immediately after, that’s how we should feel with the Lord at all times.

It’s so easy to mark guys off your list that don’t meet all the criteria. - Jess

I can empathize with Heather. I’m also 22, going to school, and working full time. Although sometimes we are hesitant to admit it to people, because we’re scared at how they’ll look at us…it can get lonely. You do want someone who will love and care for you.

I just wanted her to know, even though this may not be a serious situation, it can be the one you think about that can bother you from time to time.

I’ve met some nice guys and sometimes when you have such a big future, and you have all these plans and you’re pursuing it. You meet people and you have this criteria list. You meet a guy and if they don’t fit what you’re planning for your future, we’re so easy to just mark them off the list. You keep waiting until someone gets closer and closer and eventually you want someone to meet that full list. It’s just not going to happen. You don’t have to go on date after date to find that.

God knows our deepest wants and desires – without us even saying it. Once we let go of what we want – our time, how we want it to happen, and when we want it to happen - what God wants will come so much quicker, because we’re not sitting there planning it. It can happen with a simple interaction on the street. It can happen in school. It just takes an open heart and an open mind. We have to let go of our time and our will, and just let God take over in that aspect because He’s there.

Singleness doesn’t have to be a burden. - Leonard

Heather, like you, I’m also 22. I’ve experienced what you’ve experienced, especially with the bright career and bright future that you have. I’ve dealt with what you’re struggling with - you have all these things and yet you want to share it with someone.

The biggest thing I had to learn this whole entire time, I have a career in law enforcement, and it does take a special someone. You have so many things going for you, it takes a special someone to be with you.

The biggest thing I want to encourage you is, your singleness sometimes feels like a burden, but it’s actually a great joy to pursue the Lord. In 1 Corinthians 7:32-34, talk about the unmarried and when you are married or you have a relationship your attention is divided. But it also talks about a person that’s single. When we’re single, our attention is not divided. We focus on the Lord. We focus on Jesus, who is our first love. And that’s what I had to learn at first, because I’ve been in many types of relationships, trying to fill that void, with someone being there for me all the time. But the one person I didn’t fall in love with was Christ.

When I finally let Christ in, and I finally gave my everything to Him. And I put my focus on Him, I saw blessing after blessing. Not just with my career, but with spiritual blessings. I had that confidence to say, you know what, I’m not alone because I have my God. I’m not alone because I have Christ that lives within me. He knows the deep desires of my heart. He has blessed me with that special someone who is my girlfriend now. He’s blessed me with someone that understands what I do. And it’s like any relationship, it’s not perfect, but the foundation that we laid is a Christ-centered foundation.
I wanted to encourage you that the Lord knows your desires. The Lord knows the deep things that we crave. And He wants to bless you, but first, let’s fall in love with the blesser. Let’s fall in love with God first, and then there will be room for another one.

Don’t search too much for that “right guy”. - Ella

Heather and I have some things in common. The only difference is I have gone to the extent where I have regrets. I would advise her to be happy and be joyful in her singleness. Don’t search too much for that right guy. Because maybe it’s the time to focus on your school or that career and really learn about yourself, learn about God, and figure out who you are and what you are bringing to that relationship table.

A really good thing is to get plugged in with other singles. People in your church, in ministry or even if there is a single group – join. It’s really good to have other people uplift us and be there for us. For me, I want that relationship there, but it’s really not what is needed at the time.

Just focus on the important things right now – God, the work, and the school. God will put that special person there exactly when he needs to walk in, he’s not going to be a second too late.

I had to learn the really hard way. I’m 23 now. Looking back, I’ve learned a lot of things about myself, but it has been hard. I encourage you to keep your focus on God. Keep it on God solely. If that person walks in, and you’re not ready, your relationship with God is not strong, it won’t be a good relationship even if it is the right person.

Open your heart to God. - Sarah

Her who and her when is in Jesus Christ. Keep Him centered in her time now. Open her heart to Him. What everyone has said so far is on point, focus on who He’s going to make you be and he will put that person there.

When It Feels Like You’ll Never Find the Right Person

I want to camp for a sec on what our first peer-to-peer caller said. Elizabeth said, You can’t make love happen. And she was right. At just the point when you stop looking, when you aren’t expecting it…that’s when love tends to happen. Love has a way of finding us, not the other way around.

The best line in this podcast so far is what Chase said, “Be rooted in the Lord.” If you are rooted in God, he will guide your steps.

And the cool part is that God sees the desires of your heart, Heather, and he wants to fulfill those desires. As scripture says in Psalm 37:4, "Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart."

Leonard said devote yourself to God and similarly Ella and Sara both said, keep your focus on God.

There must be something to this…rooted in God, delighting in the Lord, devoting yourself to God, and focusing on Him.

God sees that you want a relationship, Heather. He has the right guy for you. And I think it’s good that you aren’t trying to have a relationship with every guy with some appeal that comes along. Too often we get lonely and jump headfirst into a relationship only to experience heartbreak later on.

You are 22, not 52.
I know it can be lonely.
I know it can feel as if you’ll never find the right person.
But you will.
In the meantime, put your faith, your trust, and your hope in God. He never disappoints. He always has the exact right timing.

Resources for Dating:

• How to be More Content Being Single
• It’s Perfectly OK to Be Single and Not Dating
• How to Have Respect for Yourself – 8 Must-Know Tips
• 36, Still Single, and Loving It!
• Are You Afraid to Be Single?

Relevant eBooks:

• Understanding Dating

Need to talk to someone? Chat with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine.

One last thing,
Dawson's podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now on our Give Now page.

This is the Dawson McAllister Podcast, and until next time…Remember you are loved, you are valuable, and God has an amazing plan for your life. - Rachel

Each person brings who they are, including their masculinity or femininity, and that helps balance out the relationship.

It's always fascinating to explore the differences between the genders.

Let's face it, no matter what anyone says, men and women are similar, but yet so different.

In fact, there was a big selling book called Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus which spelled out very clearly what makes men different from women. These differences can cause so much confusion for people involved in a relationship.

How Do Men and Women Handle Emotions?

Why do Guys Brush off Emotions and Close Up?

Phillip asked, "Why is it that women tend to have so much stronger emotions than men?"

And Michaela asked, "When guys get emotionally hurt, why do they just brush everything off and won't talk with you about it?"

Unfortunately, society has told men it's a sign of weakness to express their feelings while it's much more socially acceptable for women to talk about their feelings. That may be a reason why so many more men end up with heart attacks...they tend to hold everything inside.

While every person is different, women tend to be more emotional than men. There's nothing wrong with that. Each person brings who they are, including their masculinity or femininity, and that helps balance out their relationship. But while there are exceptions, it is equally true men tend to express their emotions differently than women.

Each side needs to do the best they can to understand and deal with the opposite sex.

Women Demonstrate Emotion

Women are more prone to talk about what they are thinking and feeling, and to demonstrate how they are feeling with their tears, facial expressions, hand gestures, and body language. Many women seem to be more comfortable figuring out how they feel by talking through it.

Men, generally speaking, tend to process their emotions inwardly. Many times, they don't know exactly how they feel, so they try to figure it out on their own...inside their head. Some men are afraid of their emotions and keep them buried inside in order to protect themselves from looking weak. Little do they know, that most women would accept and understand (and even appreciate!) an expression of their emotion.

Men Solve Emotional Problems on Their Own

Men are also more physical, and tend to work out their emotions by finding solutions, and doing things. The harm is when men keep stuffing all their feelings inside, letting them simmer and brew, and potentially eat away at them, eventually coming out as anger. There are tremendous benefits to getting your thoughts and emotions out in the open, in the context of a safe relationship, and not letting them destroy you.

There are differences between the genders. Each side needs to do the best they can to understand and deal with the opposite sex, rather than get frustrated about the differences. We ought to celebrate them. Just think, what if there were all women in the world, and no men? Or all men in the world, and no women? The world wouldn't be a very fun place, would it?

So, we handle our feelings differently, now how do I understand what my boyfriend or girlfriend is thinking?

Do I Have to Read His or Her Mind?

Robert asked, “I have found that girls tend not to speak their minds. Why is that? When you ask, 'How are you doing?’ They may say, 'I’m all right,’ when they’re feeling completely the opposite. Do I have to read her mind?”

I have heard that same question from both sexes. Everyone’s deepest desire is to be loved by someone who knows everything about us and still loves us!

So it would stand to reason then that our biggest fear is that someone would know all about us and reject us. So we go back and forth with someone we care about. At some moments we dare to show who we are. At other times we cover up what we think might not be met with approval.

The key here is good communication.  If you are feeling frustrated by always having to guess how he/she is feeling, or exhausted by trying to read his/her mind, try gently asking them what they truly mean. In fact, your effort to discover what they are honestly feeling might assure them of your desire to really know them.

It’s also important to express your commitment when they reveal vulnerable areas of their life. Tell them how much you care about them, and how you desire to understand them better. We all long to be listened to and understood. If you are confused by what they really mean, taking the time to ask for clarification instead of just walking away in a huff will show real love.

Are you wondering what the secret is behind a healthy relationship? Find out here.

What to Know About Being Ready for Sex

How to Know You're Ready for Sex

TheHopeLine has posted before on the topic of consent and its utmost importance when it comes to sex, and there’s a lot out there on how and why consent is so important. But how in the world do you actually say “no” when you find yourself in the situation of NOT wanting to give consent to a sexual encounter? This is one of those moments when you may not know exactly what to say, but you do know how you feel. Where’s a handy dandy script when you need one? Have no fear. Let’s try to figure out some phrases you can look toward if you’re ever in the situation of needing to communicate to someone that you are not ready to have sex.

Factors of Readiness

Of course, the first step to telling someone you’re not ready is knowing whether or not you’re ready. Setting your personal boundaries ahead of time and sticking to them when you are caught up in a moment is crucial. 

How do you know if you’re ready for sex? There are a number of factors to consider here, but I’ll start with three big ones: age, beliefs, and goals.

First Big Factor - Age

Have you heard of the age of consent? Humans have enough experience with the negative consequences of certain sexual encounters that we’ve written into law that nobody under the ages of 16-18, depending on which state you live in, can legally consent to have sexual contact. Period. That may sound arbitrary to you but do your research. There are good reasons for that stipulation, ranging from teen brain development stages to protection from abusers. If you’re under 18, it’s a good idea to wait. If your partner is under 18, and you’re older, you could even be convicted of statutory rape if it is discovered you’ve had sex with your underage partner.

Age is a pretty clear-cut way to determine whether or not you’re ready for sex.

Second Big Factor - Beliefs

A second big factor when it comes to sex: your beliefs. What do you believe about sex? Does your faith or spiritual beliefs consider sex a sacred bond between two married people?  If you’re considering having sex with someone, take a moment to ask yourself whether doing so would align with your beliefs about sex and intimacy. If you’re thinking about having sex, despite your beliefs, ask yourself why. Peer pressure? To please your partner. To make yourself feel better. Those reasons don’t sound like a recipe for enthusiastic consent to me which means you are likely not ready.

While saving sex for marriage may not be a popular opinion today, there are a number of important advantages in waiting for protecting your heart and your body. God wasn’t being mean when he designed sex for marriage. He was being loving. He created sex for pleasure, to have babies, and to bond a husband and wife together.  Soul ties are very real and even scientifically based. So, if your faith encourages saving sex for marriage, know that comes from a loving God.

Third Big Factor - Goals

The third big factor we’ll discuss here: your goals. Do you have goals in life? Finishing high school, going to college, traveling the world, going to outer space? Remember that sex can, even if you’re protected with condoms or birth control, result in pregnancy.

Do you have a plan for if that happens? Do you trust that your partner would support you in that situation? Do you have adequate health care at the moment, in case of pregnancy or STIs? By no means am I saying that someone with a baby or an STI can’t achieve their goals, it’s just something you should consider before you take the leap into sexual relationships––are you ready to face the potential consequences that come with sex? If not, wait.

There are plenty more factors to consider, but in my honest opinion, if you’re still wondering whether you’re ready, to the point where you’re thinking about it all the time and googling articles like this to help you decide, you’re probably not ready. You’re still very much in the process of exploring who you are and what your beliefs about sex are! And that’s an okay place to be. It’s also a perfectly good way to explain to someone why you’re saying “no.”

No Explanation Necessary

Not that you have to explain anything! Let’s get that straight. You don’t have to explain anything. A simple “no” is always enough when it comes to sexual consent, and someone who demands an explanation isn’t respecting your boundaries. But if you want to explain, your potential partner might appreciate it, and it could end up being a very bonding conversation for the two of you.

 If you’re not sure where to start with your explanation, here are a few “scripts” you can look at to get started. Feel free to make these your own and use them as a jumping-off point for what you’d like to say. If you’re nervous, you can even practice saying these out loud to yourself! Sometimes the very act of getting the words out of your mouth is the most intense part of these conversations, so don’t be afraid to allow yourself a little rehearsal.

Scripts

If you’re still struggling to come up with what to say, here are a few helpful scripts that might get you started. First, you can keep it simple: “No, I’m not interested in sexual contact.”

Anyone who won’t accept that boundary at face value is not worth your time. Read that again. If they “need” or demand sex after you’ve drawn that line, they are not a good relationship match for you, nor you for them. It may be time to consider whether you and this partner are good for each other. If they are accepting of your boundary, you want to explain that you are interested in continuing the relationship but not ready for sex, you can start with this script, and follow-up with one of these examples of how one or more factors go into your decision to wait: “I really like you, and I’m attracted to you, but I’m not ready to have sex with you because…

AGE:

I’m waiting until I reach the age of consent to consider sex, and that’s for both our safety.”

BELIEFS:

I’m waiting for marriage because of my religious beliefs, and I would really appreciate it if you could respect that.”

GOALS:

I’m not ready or interested in the potential complications sex can bring into our lives, like pregnancy or STI’s, and abstinence is how I’d like to stay safe from those things.”

You can even have this conversation with someone at the very beginning of your relationship, if you’d like to make sure you’re both on the same page from the start. To do that, try saying: “Before we get too serious, I want you to know that I’m waiting to have sex. Is that going to be a problem for you if we start dating?”

While you’re having a conversation about physical boundaries, remember that you’re not the only person involved who deserves to have those boundaries respected! It’s always good to check in with your partner on whether they have any they’d like to discuss, and then… respect them!

“I’ve explained my boundaries to you. Do you have any that you’d like me to respect?”

Finally, there’s always the chance that the person you’re talking to will push back or try to talk you out of your boundaries. In this case, I suggest you run away at full speed, but if you’re more of a walker, you might try saying this first to make it extra clear that you’re serious about your decision: “I’ve told you before that I’m not ready for sex. If you keep pressuring me like this, I’m going to leave.”

Just remember that if you say that, you’ve got to respect your own words and follow through. If they push back on your boundaries again, stand up, grab your things, and leave the situation. Go to a safe place and seriously consider whether or not that person still has the right to be in your life.

You’re Never Alone

Now, these scripts don’t cover everything you might need or want to say, but I hope they help you figure out how to tell your boyfriend or girlfriend that you’re not ready to have sex. If you find yourself still needing more time or help to parse through your thoughts on whether you’re ready or what to say, you can reach out to TheHopeLine and chat about it right now. This can be a stressful topic and a difficult time in life, but you’re not alone! We’re here if you ever need someone to talk to.

If you're not ready to have sex, you are not alone, read this article about rethinking "casual" sex and what to do.