Why Do People Gossip?

It's been said, knowledge is power. Unfortunately, many people like to spread damaging information or intimate details about others, whether true or not. This is what is called gossip. It used to be that people called gossip, dishing the dirt. Whatever it's called, people use gossip to hurt people, in order to feel good about themselves and to feel like they have power over others.

Gossip Destroys Reputations

If you know something juicy someone did over the weekend, it's easy to feel like you have to tell others. We especially like it when we hear something that makes someone look bad. Celebrity bloggers and gossip magazines make millions of dollars off of this unfortunate reality. I'm sure you have encountered gossip. Some people seem to thrive on it.

It’s time for you to decide you don’t want to have any part of it. The most dangerous part about gossip is that it steals another person's reputation. A reputation is very fragile. When you gossip, you are helping to destroy something extremely valuable. An anonymous blogger wrote: After telling my best friend, it leaked that I tried [cutting] once. Everyone thought I was even more of a freak.

Stop the Gossip

If it’s time for you to commit to no longer have any part of gossip, here are 5 tips on how to do it:

1. Make an intentional decision you’re not going to gossip.

Even though the temptation to gossip is powerful, you will always win when you choose not to use it. And really, with all gossip, there’s no way of knowing for sure what is true or not.

Paul wrote: I admit that I love spreading rumors. It’s all about telling lies about someone you don’t like. It usually works. That’s the problem, it does work, almost every time. The most dangerous part about gossip is that it steals another person’s reputation.

2. Don’t listen to others when they gossip.

Gossip grows an audience. You simply being there listening to it adds to its appeal. If someone starts to tell you something gossipy, say, I’m sorry, but I don’t feel comfortable talking about this person when they’re not here to defend themselves. Not only will you break the gossip chain, but you also will gain the trust of other people, as someone who won’t spread rumors. With all gossip, there's no way of knowing what is truth or lies.

3. Don’t judge people based on gossip.

If you should hear gossip about someone you don’t know, you have two choices: allow the gossip to determine what you believe, or let your own personal experience determine what you think. The first time you have an experience with someone that is contrary to the gossip you’ve heard; you’ll be a lot more careful about spreading or believing gossip the next time you hear it.

Katy wrote: My best friend is someone who people used to say really bad things about. But once I got to know her, I learned the truth about her. I'm so glad I gave her a chance.

4.Think before you speak.

Before you repeat something you've heard about another person, think: does this really do any good for me to spread this information? Or am I just trying to be in the know? Is the information even true? Could I be hurting someone by telling this, even if it's true? If the person you are talking to is not part of the problem, or part of the solution, there's no need to tell them anything.

5. Stay away from people who gossip to you they will gossip about you.

Don’t associate with people who find such great joy in belittling others. Be very careful about what you choose to tell these people. If it’s a close friend, you might consider saying how you want to stop spreading gossip, and that you’d really like her help.

There's an old saying, stick and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me. That's not true. Being gossiped about can be extremely painful. If you don't want it done to you, don't do it to others. In the end, it never pays to gossip.

I really appreciated this comment from Jolene: I love how Dawson tells how gossip really hurts. Other blog sites just gossip, this one tells us how hurtful it can be. I am so glad that Dawson is down-to-earth.

For more help with gossip and reputation, I wrote these two blogs: How to Rebuild a Bad Reputation and Protecting Your Online Reputation. 

 Are You Dealing with Divorce?

For a long time, I have wanted to blog about what to do when your family is broken up by divorce. I have taken literally thousands of calls from teenagers and young adults whose whole lives have been rearranged by their parent's divorce. Getting over your parent's divorce is never easy, in fact, it will no doubt change the whole direction of your life. Everybody knows somebody from a broken home. They are everywhere. Maybe you too have suffered the pain of a family break-up. If so, this topic is for you. May it help you navigate through the rough waters of confusion, disappointment, anger, and pain.

Whether your parents are separated, are going through, or are already divorced, it's very normal to experience many different feelings and to have a lot of questions. It's also very normal for you to feel like you're the only one who has ever had this happen to you. But I can assure you, you are not alone.

More than anything, divorce seems to bring up a huge load of questions. Why did this happen? Is it my fault? Could I have prevented this from happening? Will they ever get back together? Will things ever be normal again? Did my parents ever really love each other?

Amelie wrote, I mostly feel sad about my parents' divorce. But I also feel angry and confused. There are a lot of feelings. I don't know what to do with them.

You might even wonder if your parents would still be together if you would've done better in school, or not gotten into so much trouble, or helped more around the house. I have known many teenagers and young adults who have all but destroyed their lives blaming themselves for the actions of their parents. The personal blame game is perhaps the most devastating effect your parent's divorce will have on you.

Here's the truth: No matter what that little voice inside of you that is constantly blaming you says, the divorce is about your parents and the problems they have with each other it's not about you. It was not your fault. Your parents are adults and are responsible for the commitments they made toward each other, long before you were born.

Why Did Your Parents Get Divorced?

I could make a list a mile long of different reasons why people get divorced. The truth is, if someone doesn't want to be married any longer, there's always going to be some reason. For example:

• We can no longer live together.
• We can't work through our issues.
• We don't talk to each other anymore.
• I can't live with your anger, you scare me.
• I can't take your verbal abuse any longer.
• I am being physically abused.
• I don't feel like I love you anymore.
• I found somebody else.
• I'm bored in this relationship.
• You have a serious problem with drinking/gambling.
• You won't quit looking at porn.
• You can't handle money.
• I can't stand your relatives.
• You won't look for a job.

I could go on and on, and I'm sure you could add some that you've seen in your, or other people's, homes. Experts on marriage say the most common reasons given for divorce are actually preventable. The top reasons given by ex-husbands and ex-wives were lack of commitment, too much conflict and arguing, and infidelity reasons that can be addressed by counseling with a marriage therapist. Tragically, we live in a world where 50% of all marriages end in divorce. It's as if people find it easier to end a marriage, than to work through the problems they may be experiencing.

Still, I don't believe anyone marries to get divorced. They don't say, Well, I'd like to go through the awful experience of getting divorced, so I think I'll get married. Everyone thinks they have found the right one when they marry.

Adam said, I don't understand all the reasons my parents got divorced. Sometimes I wish I knew more of the reasons, so I can prevent it from happening to me.

Personally, I wish divorce didn't exist. I've seen too many lives broken by the effects of divorce, especially the lives of children who had no choice in the matter, but who were the most affected by it. People like Heather said, "Under all my anger is a deep sadness that came from my parent's divorce." 

I want you to know that I feel your pain. And want to help. TheHopeLine's goal is to help you not be a victim, or even a survivor, of your parent's divorce, but an overcomer. It is possible. Hope Coaches are here to listen and help you 24/7 through live online chat.

Just remember: Your Parents' Divorce Is Not Your Fault! Never has been, and never will be.

Talking about self-harm and cutting is an issue that can be difficult to discuss, but it must be brought up. The more we try to hide the issue, the more power it has over our lives and the more difficult it is to break free.

It's important to learn new ways of dealing with your emotional pain. Then you will finally be able to give up this horribly destructive addiction.

Cutting is Not Your Friend

There is a lie about cutting, and just about every addiction. That lie simply says: Cutting is your friend.

Cutting is not your friend. It appears to offer you relief from the pain you're feeling, and no doubt it does temporarily, but in the end, it only leaves you feeling worse, yet craving for more. You're stuck with a body full of scars, and a heart full of secrets. You probably feel like nobody really cares what's going on inside of your head. And even if they did, you wouldn't know the words to use to describe what you're feeling.

Your feelings of pain which led you to cutting in the first place are real. But cutting is never going to give you the true relief you are looking for. It will only make things worse. If you want to quit cutting, you have to realize it's not wrong to be in emotional pain. The problem is you're trying to fix your emotional hurt with something that only causes more hurt. That's why cutting doesn't deliver on its false promise.

Is there a better way to fix the emotional hurt you are feeling? YES!!!!!

Let's look at three healthy ways to deal with your emotions.

Come out of hiding.

This first step may be the hardest, but you need to tell someone about your cutting. Your secrets are only making matters worse. You can't find the light while hiding in the dark. Cutters are hiders. Their closet, so to speak, is their safe haven. It's time to come out. Find someone you can trust. A good place to start may be a doctor, a school counselor, a minister, a relative, or a friend. Jacqueline said this is what has helped her: Even if you are unsure when and how the pain started - TALK!!!!

This person will help you describe your pain, even if you don't know what to say. As you start talking about your feelings in a safe environment you will learn new words you were afraid to use before. Such as: I'm angry, afraid, lonely, ugly, desperate, etc. Over time, you will sort through your intense feelings, heal past hurts, and find new ways to grow stronger and deal with life's problems in healthy ways.

Raven said this worked for her: I quit cutting [a year ago] and found that I didn't need the pain anymore. I've gone to counseling for this past year and after talking out the true reason I was hurting myself, I found that I didn't need to anymore.

https://www.thehopeline.com/how-to-manage-mental-health-without-self-harming/

Discover and break your pattern of cutting.

What are the places, situations and people that trigger your desire to cut? These desires can seemingly come out of the blue. The fact of the matter is those triggers unleash the craving in your mind to cut. Breaking the pattern of cutting, means learning how to recognize the triggers, and deal with them before you choose to hurt yourself. Your counselor will help you quickly think about how to redirect both your emotions and your cutting when a trigger occurs. In time, you will become an expert to the deep emotions that boil up inside of you, and scream that you medicate them by cutting. The earlier you recognize these emotions and what causes them, the easier it is to deal with them in a healthy way. The problems you are facing may not go away right away, but at least you will see more clearly on how to deal with them.

Ashley said: The sad part is, the things and reasons that were making me do this [cutting] have not stopped. So I wasted all that time hurting myself for no reason. While everyday is a challenge, everyday that I don't harm myself, I'm one day closer to being fully recovered.

Seek God. 

Miracles come from God. There is hope for you even if you think it will be impossible for you to quit your cruel cutting habit. It's going to take a true spiritual transformation. Not only are you going to need to retrain your brain from thinking cutting is helping you, but you're going to need to realize you are powerless, and in need of help. Only a deep, meaningful relationship with God can truly set you free. Instead of working on your addiction to cutting, it's time to begin working on your relationship with God.

God made you and loves you more than you or I will ever know. He wants you to know Him, and He wants to help you overcome your addiction to cutting. God will give you the strength you need to do this. When you trust God to heal your deepest hurts and emotional pain, He will step in and start helping you turn your entire life around.

One person anonymously commented: I still fight the urge to hurt myself when things are hard. I still carry the scars. But I've learned that God heals, and that His love is a much better relief from the hurt. There is hope.

If you or someone you know is struggling with self-harm, check this out our page with more resources for those struggling, and check out TheHopeLine's free eBook.

Many of us are not aware of all the lies we tell. 

Lying is almost always devastating. It hurts the person who is doing the lying, as well as the person being lied to. Sadly, it is all too common in most of our lives. Many of us are not aware of all the lies we tell. Still another person might lie all the time, afraid that others will find out the truth about them. This develops a habit that continually drives someone to keep telling more and more lies...like Sara's friend who damaged her willingness to trust anyone. "About two years ago, I became friends with a girl. I trusted every word she said. Too bad she was lying about everything. She never wanted to be my friend. She just wanted to come over to my house so she could fool with the guy across the street. She spread terrible rumors about me that were untrue and she [all but] destroyed my life. And to this day, I honestly don't trust anyone." What a tragedy. Lying can be lethal to our soul.

Jane commented about her own personal struggles and heartbreak over her inner struggle with lying. She said, "I've tried very hard to be honest with everyone, but sometimes it doesn't work. I lie mostly to my parents...trying to keep them proud of me and trying to be the perfect daughter everyone wants." I understand there can be a lot of pressure inside your head telling you to try and control what other people think about you. This is what drives most people into telling lies.

Yet there are several different types of liars. This week I just want to touch on a few of them I think are the most important for you to know about. Perhaps you will find yourself in this list.

Four Different Types of Liars:

1. The Occasional Liar

These people seldom lie. But when they do, they are blown away by their actions and feel guilty for what they have done. These types of people are the ones who are quick to seek forgiveness from the person they lied to. The occasional liar is not perfect but is usually respected for his/her strong attempt at being a truthful person, and humble enough to admit their mistakes.  Jess's comment explains more about the occasional liar. "I usually lie when people ask me how I'm doing. I tell them I'm fine, but I'm actually depressed and stuff. I guess I usually lie out of fear though and it kills me inside to not let others know." If we were all honest with ourselves, we would have to admit we are at least an occasional liar.

2. The Frequent Liar

The frequent liar goes about his/her life lying every which way. This person is not concerned about covering his tracks or making sure his lie makes sense. Everybody knows this person is lying because he is sloppy with his lies. This person has very few friends, because people get sick of his obviously twisted stories. Kiley, with her own confession, admits to being a frequent liar. "I'm not good at sports or speaking in public and I'm not the most beautiful girl in the world. So, I lie to sound interesting. I lie about silly stuff like how old I am, the people I know, or how awesome everyone thinks I am. Which...no one thinks that about me. There are some smart people out there that can see what I am trying to do."

3. The Smooth Liar

The smooth liar is just what their description sounds like. This person has become very smooth and skilled at telling lies. There are those that say they can pick out a liar every time, but that's not necessarily so when it comes to the smooth liar. This liar is so good with words and body language people tend to believe him even when they know he has a reputation of being a liar. Yet, all the time, the smooth liar knows he's lying. These people are fun to be around, and very entertaining, but after being found out, the smooth liar tends to move on to others to whom he can apply his dark talents. Kelsea commented about a guy she dated who was the very definition of a smooth liar: I dated a guy who constantly lied to me. He would cheat on me with other girls all the time. At first, I was really upset. But it seemed he knew the right things to say to get me to come back every time. I got to the point where I didn't care anymore as long as I had him, and as long as he spent time with me because that made me feel like he cared."

4. The Compulsive Liar

This person lies when they don't have to, even when telling the truth makes more sense than the lies. These people have an addiction to lying, and they simply cannot stop. They are out of control. They spend hours coming up with more lies that will allow them to maintain all their previous lies. These people are totally untrustworthy and end up unable to keep friends. A compulsive liar ends up a lonely, sad person who tragically lies the most to their own self. Angela commented about how her compulsive liar husband has ruined her life. "He would lie about where he was going (when he was actually going to other women's houses), he would lie about phone calls and text messages, he lies about money (taking it, spending it, leaving me with nothing to support our child), and he's broken several promises to me (even though he knows how much they mean to me)."

Look back at these different types of liars and ask yourself...which one of these bests describes me? Then ask yourself the most difficult question of all: How can I quit being a liar?

Principles for Setting Sexual Boundaries

Jody asked: Sex how far is too far in a dating relationship? My conscience has been bothering me. With that being said, I'd encourage you to not take dating (or even taking girls on special event dates like the prom) so seriously that it prevents you from having a good time and getting to know people from the opposite sex. There is a lot of fun to be had by just social dating...meaning, you're not dating strictly one person, but just having good social times with different girls. It's important to be clear about what you're doing when you're socially dating, and not trying to convince each girl she is the only one! Spending one on one time with someone of the opposite sex will be very helpful for you to learn what kind of woman you'd eventually like to marry and will help you learn better how to treat the women in your life. Each date you go on could be a valuable experience for you, and for the other person, if you allow it to be. But keep in mind you have to guard your heart.

DAWSON: Your conscience is a really good indicator to let you know when you are, or someone else is, crossing your own personal boundaries and deep value system. You can have a healthy dating life that is not being trashed by violated standards. It does, however, require you to set and follow clear standards for how far you will go on a date. Here are a few principles you may want to apply to your own dating relationships:

You can have a healthy dating life that is not being trashed by violated standards.

1. The Selfish Touch Principle refers to touching someone in a way that arouses both their sexual and their deep emotional desires. If a guy (or it could just as easily be a girl toward a guy) touches a woman in a way that arouses her passion, he has acted selfishly and has gone too far.
2. The Sex Controls the Date Principle Our lives should not be controlled or mastered...by anything. If the physical or sexual part of your relationship is controlling or dominating your time together, then you've gone too far. The question to ask yourself is this: If you took all physical activity out of your relationship would there be enough left of that relationship to continue?
3. The Sex Controls My Thoughts Principle  Our minds should not be constantly dwelling on passion and sex. If what you do on a date causes you or your partner to constantly fantasize about sex, you have gone too far.
4. The Does It Cause Me to Mislead Principle  Any kind of sexual activity can lead your dating partner to believe you are more committed to him/her than you really are. If your sexual activity on a date has misled your partner concerning your true feelings and commitment, you have gone too far.
5. The Ten Year Later Principle  Anything you do today will have an effect for years to come. Will you be able to look your partner in the eye, or perhaps your current partner's future spouse, ten years from now and be proud of how you treated him/her today? Your goal should be to leave the person you're dating today with great memories that build them up, not tear them down.

Your goal should be to leave the person you're dating today with great memories that build them up, not tear them down.

Is it O.K. to date "Just for Fun" and not think about the future?

Michael asked: What is the thinking of those who are either dating or just going to the prom? It is my way of thinking if someone is dating, they should be considering getting married sometime in their future, and the same for the prom. Is it just a cool social thing to do, or a really serious time of considering your future?

DAWSON: Michael, you're blowing my mind. You obviously are a serious thinker who has come to some radical, but amazing conclusions. Most guys don't put that much thought or consideration into what they are doing when they take out a girl. Yes, dating can be a very serious matter. It can be serious stuff because when two people start sharing their lives together in an intimate way, feelings and emotions get intensified, making it easier for people to get hurt. But dating can also be a very meaningful and fun and a great way to learn about yourself.

The biggest danger I see in dating is most people do not guard their heart. By heart I mean, the very core of their emotions...the place where they really live. They're not careful of who they date, or what they do, as long as they feel like they are in love, or someone cares about them. People who don't guard their hearts are easily used by manipulators and their own emotions that spin out of control. Most people who don't guard their heart end up in fast, emotional, destructive relationships. I have talked to so many people whose lives have been scarred, or permanently altered because of irresponsible dating. Dating is not a game; it is an activity where people can grow in personal relationships or get themselves really hurt. I can't say it enough, Michael, everyone needs to guard their heart, so we don't have any more emotional victims all around us.

Answers to Tough Questions

I want to answer a couple of questions I've been asked recently about why girls sometimes dress provocatively and also about how guys sometimes brag about the girls they are with.  Both are touchy subjects, but I hope that in the process of honestly answering these questions we will all learn what it means to relate to each other in a healthy way. I hope my answers will help give you more self-love and confidence.

Here was the first question from Michael:

"Why do girls dress so provocatively one minute, then complain that guys are superficial the next?"

This is a difficult question with many sides to it. One part of the answer is that some girls feel confident if they receive attention for the way they dress. It's nice to be noticed. Often girls even dress to impress other girls, maybe even more than guys. But for many girls it's even more important to fit in. Many young women feel it is social suicide to try to stick out in the crowd or wear something no one else is wearing. So, if all the girls are dressing in short skirts and low-cut shirts, they better do it as well, they think. Sometimes the styles may be more provocative than a girl feels comfortable wearing, but due to peer pressure, she will wear it anyway.

Some girls might not even realize that how they are dressing can affect guys.  Don't get me wrong, some girls know exactly what they are doing, but some are just wearing what they think looks good. Since guys are sexually driven by what they see, it becomes easy for them to objectify women based on how they are dressed, but that doesn't make it right.

What Message Are You Sending?

So please know ladies that what you wear often sends a message...whether you intend it to or not.  If you are flaunting your body, guys will be tempted to come after your body. However, if you advertise who you are on the inside, with such traits as kindness, gentleness, sensitivity, great personality, etc., they will be drawn to you for that.

Guys, it is important to realize most women want to be loved and respected for who they are on the inside. It's just the lies of the culture regarding how best to attract men confuses things. As a guy, when you compliment a girl, you have an opportunity to tell her she's beautiful, without expectations on what her response should be. Women often want to be thought of as beautiful, but they don't want to be disrespected. That's a fine line, but I believe it's possible for mature guys to walk that line.

The next question is also complicated, and it is from Tiana:

"Why do guys feel the need to brag about the girl they are with, and their sexual relationship with her?"

Unfortunately, some guys do like to talk to other guys about their sexual conquests. I think this often comes out of deep insecurity and a desire to impress other guys. It's a competition thing. If one guy has more success with women than others, his ranking in the group goes higher. That is why there is not only bragging, but exaggerating, and even downright lies about their experiences with women. When this happens, it shows a guy's immaturity and lack of respect for the opposite sex. These particular guys are working hard to develop a reputation as a macho guy. Watch out for these guys because they are more concerned about themselves than the girl they are with. Don't lose heart, there are good guys out there who don't behave in this way.

This kind of bragging is certainly not done to impress other women, as women are usually completely turned off by the idea of a guy talking about what he did with other women. Women respect a man more who can keep silent about what happens in private. Real manliness is when a guy fights to protect a women's reputation and feelings. Little boys like to exaggerate. Real men who are confident and secure don't have to brag to feel good about themselves.

It seems like the bad guys get all the good girls. Why does this happen? There are several different reasons for this to happen.

There is Hope for Healing and Moving On

If you have experienced abuse in your life, whether it be physical, sexual, emotional/verbal, and neglect/abandonment, I want you to know that you can heal, you can move forward and there is hope. In this blog I want to talk about specific ways to deal with the abuse you may have experienced.

If you have been abused, you may feel your heart and soul have been put in a cage, and you feel like you will never be normal again. The truth is, there is always a reason to believe you will begin to heal and learn how to live a healthy life again.

Find someone to talk to about what's going on

I say this a lot, but it's so important I can't say it enough. Try your best to explain what is happening to someone you trust, like a pastor, a counselor at school, a doctor, a therapist, or perhaps even your best friend. Celeste commented to me on how she's survived her abusive home life: The most important thing you can do is let out your feelings before you explode and do something irrational like commit suicide or cut, which I did a lot of. If you keep the hate inside, it only multiplies by 10 and leads to disaster.

Take whatever steps are necessary to protect yourself from serious abuse

It's vitally important for me to mention that if you are living in an abusive situation, get out!  It's not enough just to run away from these destructive authority figures. You must choose to run to a safe place or a person who can protect, counsel and help you. Our partner at National Safe Place can help you find a safe place near you.

Let go of any guilt feelings

It's not your fault you have been abused. And it's never OK for someone to abuse you. You should never blame yourself or bog yourself down with unnecessary guilt. Some victims of sexual abuse actually feel guilty about experiencing pleasure during what happened. This is a normal physical reaction. It doesn't make the abuse right or acceptable.  If you wish you hadn't done some of the things you've done in the past, you need to forgive yourself. Don't get stuck feeling guilty and miserable for past mistakes that you didn't choose or that were forced upon you.

Forgive your abuser

This might be the most difficult thing you ever have to do, but it will also be the most freeing experience possible.  By holding onto the desire to get even, you continually drink the toxic poison of unforgiveness and bitterness, hoping to get back at the person who hurt you, but really you are hurting yourself.

You can forgive your abuser without continuing in a relationship with them and without putting yourself in harm’s way.

Forgiveness is not about being OK with someone else’s bad choices. “Forgive and forget” is unhealthy and dangerous, especially when it puts you back in the path of an abusive person. Practice true forgiveness – letting go of the need for revenge or payback – in a way that feels safe and protects your self-worth.

Jonathan commented: One of the biggest things someone who lives in an abusive home needs to do is to learn how to forgive. It's not easy but building up hostility towards the abuser(s) will not help anything. 

Forgive your abuser, and then find others who have been able to forgive their abusers, as well.

Think positively about yourself and your life

You still have the ability to be in charge of how you feel about yourself. Begin to put positive thoughts into your mind about yourself. Flush out the lies you've been told and replace them with the truth. For example, you might want to repeat to yourself, "I am a beautiful person, I am a kind person, I am loved, I have a bright future, every day and in every way, my life is getting better."

Put these thoughts on cards and go over them again and again. Don't try to cover over your pain with destructive behaviors like smoking, drinking, swearing, sex or fighting. Instead, at times, learn to be alone or even spend time near water, like a lake or ocean. This will give you a sense of peace and inner strength. Justin commented about how he survived in a painful, abusive home situation: Don't let the negativity of one person make you jaded and cynical toward life itself. There is so much more out there. I found hope in knowing that one day I would be out of the mess and on a better path.

Turn your abuse story into a way to help others

Allow the pain and hardship you've experienced turn you into a compassionate, caring person who can help other people going through their own difficulties. You might be stuck wishing you could just feel normal. For most people, normal means skating through life, driven by pleasure and comfort, unaware of life's deeper issues. You are much more awake and alive to the reality of life's beauty and complexities. If this makes you a deeper, more loving person, then use that to help others. 

Corie encouraged: I know we go through things for a reason and can learn from it but sometimes the pain, the feelings, thoughts and emotions are just so overwhelming at times. I share this because I want other survivors to know the feelings, they have been normal for someone who has been abused. With time the overwhelming feelings can subside, and life can get better if you just give it time. Don't give up!

Run to God

Every time it hurts, let it push you back to God and to those who love you the most. Rely on God. He promises to be with you and to never leave you or forsake you. Katie commented with this encouragement: Know that you are a child of God, and you are not what others say or make you feel. Life is about experiences, and you can learn from it and build yourself up. In this life, you are what you make yourself not what others tear you down to be.

You Are a Survivor

Your life does not have to be ruined because you have been abused. It is not a death sentence, but a challenge to overcome. You can be a survivor. In fact, you can be an over-comer! Hang onto the confidence that you are still here and willing to deal with it.

Maria encouraged: There is always help out there, sometimes from people you least expect. There is always hope, don't give up on it, because if you do, you're basically giving up on living and loving. Life is too short and too important to live with no hope.

Please know you are not alone. My HopeCoaches are here and ready to chat online with you 7 days a week. They will listen and guide you on what to do in any situation. I love you big time. Never give up! 

If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible.

You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)

It is heartbreaking to hear your stories of abuse on my radio show. I'm continually faced with how cruel so many people can be to each other. Perhaps you have suffered tragic abuse at the hands of someone you thought you could trust. This is not how it's supposed to be. But even though we live in a world where abuse runs rampant, there is still reason to find hope and keep pressing forward with your life. I want to help you do that. I've blogged about physical and sexual abuse, now I want to explore perhaps the most common abuse of all verbal/emotional abuse.

What is Verbal/Emotional Abuse?

Justin described it like this: My father has always been very verbally abusive to my brother and me for as far back as I can remember. He'd tell us that we would never amount to anything, and would never be a real man like himself -- some 'real man' huh?

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. This old saying could not be farther from the truth. Verbal/emotional abuse happens when yelling and anger go too far or when someone constantly criticizes, threatens, or dismisses you until your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are damaged. It also includes being around constant family conflict.

Signs of Emotional Abuse

Here are some examples of verbal/emotional abuse:

• Constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating
• Calling names and making negative comparisons to others
• Constantly telling someone he or she is "no good," "worthless," "bad," or "a mistake"
• Yelling, threatening, or bullying
• Ignoring or rejecting someone, giving him or her the silent treatment
• Witnessing acts that cause a feeling of helplessness and horror, such as domestic violence or watching another sibling or pet be abused

Damaging Effects of Verbal Abuse

This kind of abuse may seem invisible. But the effects can be extremely damaging and may even leave deeper lifelong psychological scars than physical or sexual abuse.

Kent shared: My mom tells me that she doesn't want me, and that she doesn't love me. And that's not right. I thought a mother can love her child forever, maybe she does and just gets sick of dealing with my daily problems/concerns. Kent is feeling deep pain he never should have to feel. No child, teenager, or young adult should be responsible for the emotional well-being of his/her parent.

Jenn described her abusive home life: My mom has this strange way of doing things and she abuses in the way of controlling me to the point that I feel if I don't, please her I feel like my heart breaks because I'm breaking hers. She controls me in the way she guilts me into everything -- going to the store, being with my boyfriend, hanging out with friends -- she feels if I'm not spending time with her or doing what she wants me to, she feels empty. And then I feel horrible, which is why I got into cutting. She controlled me in the way that I could not say ANYTHING to anyone about problems within our family -- nothing could go outside of our house. I feel so trapped in my own home.

Can Verbal Abuse Turn Physical?

Verbal abuse doesn’t always turn into physical abuse, but there is a chance that it could happen. The likelihood of verbal abuse escalating to physical abuse is greater if:

• The abuser has a history of physical abuse
• They excessively drink alcohol or have substance abuse issues
• If the abuser is unable to maintain a positive emotional tie to someone while they are angry, frustrated, or disappointed.
• How much their moods and behavior have changed overtime?

It's Not Your Fault!

You've heard me say this before, but you must realize it is not your fault you are being treated the way you are. You don't have to carry around guilt and shame for something you haven't done. You've only been in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person and absorbed the wounds of someone else's dysfunction and illness.

Cera shared her thoughts on being emotionally abused: I often think this is the type of abuse that is the hardest to identify. I always thought my feelings of never being good enough were because I was a horrible daughter, and I didn't deserve to be treated well. I often hid my feelings and did things perfect or didn't do them at all. When I am put in a situation, I think I may not be perfect at, I began to fear what everyone is going to say and think. I am beginning to realize I am not perfect, but that's okay because nobody is. 

The part you can play when abused is to choose how you're going to respond to it. You can let it turn you into a miserable, depressed person. Or you can allow the pain and hardship you've experienced turn you into a compassionate, caring person who can help other people going through their own difficulties.

Jodi wrote with some words of encouragement: I have pretty much been through a mentally abusive time with my family the past four months -- my parents are in the process of a divorce. I live with my mom and my dad doesn't talk to me. All I can say is take it day by day and always know that there are people that care about you and that can help you any way that you need it. Count on your friends to be there for you. Jodi gave some good advice.  There is HOPE to get through and move forward in a healthy way.

How to Recover From Emotional Abuse

Stay Safe - Get Help

If you determine you are living in a verbally/emotionally abusive situation, it's important that you tell someone. You deserve to be safe. Find someone you can trust to talk about what's going on at home. It will help you get perspective on your situation, and help you decide what actions you need to take to protect yourself. You can always chat with us here at TheHopeLine. If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).

Please continue sending me your stories in the comments below, it's extremely helpful to others to know they are not alone and to hear your perspective.

If you have been verbally and emotionally abused, your self-esteem may have suffered. To start building it back, check out TheHopeLine’s eBook on self-worth for practical advice about things you can do to increase your self-esteem.

On my blog I have found myself talking about issues few people are willing to confront. And yet, it is right below the surface of everyday life for millions of young people. It's real. It hurts. And does untold damage. I'm talking about abuse, physical abuse. Please keep reading this blog no matter how painful it is for you.

Remember, either you have been or are being physically abused, or you know someone who is. If this blog helps one person start the journey of healing, it's completely worth it. Maybe that one person is you.

A girl who commented to me about her abuse shared this: "I still struggle from day to day trying to figure out my life and what I did to deserve it."  The fact is, she did NOT deserve it. No one deserves it. I want you and this abuse victim to know there is hope. Regardless of what you've been through, no matter how you've been treated, you can still live a joyful, fulfilling life.

So, what is physical abuse? There's nothing pretty about physical abuse. It is painful even to talk about it. In fact, there is much confusion and denial over even what it is. But it can include:

• striking, slapping, kicking, biting
• punching, pinching, pushing, pulling
• cutting or shooting
• locking in or out of a room or false imprisonment
• strangling or any kind of torture
• drowning
• exposure to freezing cold, heat (burning), or electric shock

We're not talking about accidental injury. This is done intentionally by someone who is asserting authority over you to cause feelings of intimidation, pain, injury, or other physical suffering or harm.

Who Is an Abuser and Why Does He/She Do It?

Why do they do it? Typically, physical abuse is caused by a person's inability to control their anger or frustration. This anger usually is about things that have nothing to do with the person they are abusing, but rather things such as their job or personal stresses, loneliness, depression, lack of friends, psychiatric disorders, having been abused themselves, or many times, alcohol or drug abuse. Physical abuse can happen to anyone. And it is next to impossible to recognize an abuser from outward appearances.

He could be the charming guy who lives next door, or the attractive teacher at school. In most cases, the person causing the abuse is a parent but can also be an older sibling, relative, guardian, or partner.

The blame for abuse lies completely with the abuser. I received a comment from a person whose parents abused her. Every person who has ever been abused needs to read this comment. Something I learned that really helped me while I was growing up, was that I had to realize it wasn't my fault - that I didn't make them act that way and that I didn't deserve what was being done to me. It's so easy to fall into a trap of self-blame. You feel like you're more of an adult than your parents are, so you accept responsibility for things that are actually their responsibility. "I should have known better than to say that "you tell yourself, or" they wouldn't get so angry if I didn't mess up all the time." But those are LIES. The TRUTH is that your parents are sick people. And it's not your fault that their sickness is affecting your life.

If you are being physically abused, the most important thing you can do is find someone you can trust and seek his or her help. No healing from physical abuse takes place without this first very important step.

This is one of the most powerful comments I have ever received. Please heed the advice of Jeremy: "Abuse is wrong no matter what! Please don't stay quiet. Speak up and tell someone. I promise you will have a better life if you tell than if you stay quiet. I lost my twin brother to suicide because of not being able to talk to someone about his problems because of the abusive home situation. PLEASE SEEK HELP FROM PEOPLE WHO CARE!!" 

You can always chat with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine. If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).

Remember there is always hope. Even if you have been physically abused, you still have the ability to control how you feel and your response. Read the words of someone who was seriously abused: "They may do things to try to make you feel angry or helpless or hopeless, but you don't have to give them that part of yourself. You don't have to believe what they tell you or allow them to break your spirit. How they treat you is their choice; but how much you let them control the way you feel - that's your choice. If you can learn to control your own feelings, regardless of what they do or don't do - that's what will help you survive."