When I first started my radio career talking to teenagers and young adults, I quickly became amazed at what my audience wanted to talk about. Many of them wanted to talk about abuse in their family. I had no choice. I had to face the problem head-on.

For example I received a comment from an anonymous listener:

I come from a family with lots of abuse and confusion. My dad left barely over 2 years ago. He sexually abused me, my brother and my sister. I can't trust anybody. How am I supposed to trust again? Every time I let my guard down, I get hurt again.

Not only was this listener revealing the deep dark secrets of her family, but she was also speaking of the horrific consequences of those secrets. For anyone who has been abused in some way, or if you know somebody who has. This is something I must write about with the hope that what I have to say will help and encourage you in some way.

Do Abusive Parents Love Their Children?

Abusive relationships are difficult and draining for everyone, but especially for children who have been physically, verbally, or emotionally abused by their parents. Your parents may say they love you, but their actions may show you the opposite. If you do not feel loved by your parent, you need a safe place to talk about those feelings. You also need to know this for sure: abuse is never, ever your fault!

First, if you think you or someone you know is being abused, PLEASE chat with one of our Hope Coaches. All chats are free and confidential.

No one knows just how many people have been abused in some way in their home. But the numbers we do know are staggering:

• There are nearly 3 million reports of child abuse made annually.
• The rate of child abuse is estimated to be 3 times greater than is reported.

My guess is the problem is even greater than what you and I think it is.

What is abuse?

Abuse simply put, is when one person causes physical, sexual or emotional injury or harm to another. Federal law defines it as, any act or failure to act on the part of a parent or caretaker which results in death, serious physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse or exploitation; or an act or failure to act which presents an imminent risk of serious harm.

4 Specific Types of Abuse

PHYSICAL ABUSE: This abuse is usually the most easily identified. It can include any kind of non-accidental hitting, shaking, burning, biting, choking, throwing, or any behaviors that cause physical injury, leave marks, or create significant pain. Li commented on what it's like living in a physically abusive home: You feel like everything is your fault and that nothing you do is right. I was abused until I was 8 years old. First, I was emotionally and somewhat physically abused by my mother, and then strongly physically abused by my stepmother. While going through this, I had no one to turn to but my best friend.

SEXUAL ABUSE: Any type of sexual contact between an adult and anyone younger than 18, or between a significantly older child and a younger child is considered sexual abuse. This includes penetration or external touching of intimate parts, oral sex, indecent exposure or any other sexual act performed in your presence for sexual gratification. It can also include the showing of pornography to someone younger than 18. Emily says she has lived in an abusive, hazardous family situation her entire life. My dad started sexually abusing me at 6 years old, and it went on until I was 11. It was hard to deal with. I used to pretend that it didn't happen, but it did, and there isn't anything I can do about it. I never figured out a healthy way of dealing with it. I was anorexic for years. I used to cut myself. I was suicidal. I hated my life.

EMOTIONAL AND/OR VERBAL ABUSE: Emotional abuse happens when yelling and anger go too far or when parents constantly criticize, threaten, or dismiss kids or teens until their self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are damaged. It also includes constant family conflict. Emotional abuse can hurt and cause major damage just as physical or sexual abuse does. Jessie describes the verbal abuse in her family: My father yells at me whenever I question why. I am beginning to get bitter toward him because he seems to not trust me at all, and he seems to treat me like a slave, and it is hard to handle. I tried talking to him but once again he yelled at me, and I began to cry. I never yell at my dad but sometimes I would like to.

NEGLECT: You are considered to be neglected when your parent's whereabouts are unknown, if you've been left alone in circumstances where you suffer serious harm, or if your parent has failed to maintain contact with you. This also happens when you don't have adequate food, housing, clothes, medical care, education, or supervision. This is something Maria deals with. My dad was at a neighbor's house, drunk. He didn't call home or my cell to check on me. He didn't answer his cell when I called, nothing. I get home from school at 3 and my mom gets home from work at 9:30. My dad left the same time as my mom and didn't come home until nearly an hour later than my mom. The house was wide open. ANYTHING could've happened to me.

Do you identify with any of these forms of abuse? It is difficult admitting that you are being abused; especially if it's something you have lived with for many years. You might just think it's the way things are and there's nothing that can be done about it. You can also mistakenly think you bring abuse on yourself by not acting right, or by not living up to someone's expectations. The kinds of abuse listed above are not normal or healthy ways to treat people.

If you think you or someone you know is being abused, PLEASE chat with one of our Hope Coaches. All chats are free and confidential.

Get Help Right Away: If you need immediate help after assault, call 911. If you or someone you know is being abused or neglected, you can call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at (800) 422-4453. Push 1 to speak to a counselor.

Nothing has a greater impact on our lives than our families. The family is the most powerful unit of society, influencing and shaping every man, woman and child for good or for bad. Unfortunately, there is plenty of pain in families. In fact, people are more profoundly hurt by those in their own family than anywhere else. Parents hurt their children and children hurt parents. Many people carry the wounds and scars they receive in their home for the rest of their lives.

Some of you have a great relationship with your parents, while others find it to be one of the most difficult challenges you face. So many teens and young adults live their lives in total chaos because of the volatility of the relationship with their parents.

I understand that sometimes, especially in abusive homes, there is only so much you can do yourself to bring peace to the relationship with your parents.

However, many times, parents are willing to meet in the middle. Obviously, no one is perfect, including your parents. You have probably come to the realization that your parents are flawed and have at times let you down. Nonetheless, I have yet to meet someone who is bitter toward their parents and happy at the same time. So, for your own sake, learn to make peace whether you feel it's fair or not.

So, as far as it depends on you, what can you do to improve your relationship with your parents? 

Six Things You Can Do to Improve Your Relationship with Your Parents

1. Take Responsibility for Your Part in Your Family

One of the easiest ways to wreck a family is to always blame others when things go wrong. But Dawson, you say, "It’s not me! The bad things in my family are not my fault!" Just remember this, if you are having struggles with your family, most likely you can share the blame.  The part you can control the most is your own attitude.  Do you always have to react with an argument or frustration? Are there times you could choose to just let it go?

Amy commented about how when her parents tell her to do something, she takes a deep breath rather than first argues. "Give them a little help, maybe they need it, maybe they don’t. But either way, it is easier to do what they ask instead of arguing. If they ask you to do something like, clean the kitchen when you have a huge exam the next day, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and then calmly explain that you need to study. Maybe suggest that they help you to get the task done faster. They really do want what is best for you, even if it is hard to see it at times."

2. Learn to Follow Their Advice

When it comes to learning about life, you can greatly benefit from your parents' experience and wisdom. There is no greater teacher than experience. Because of your parent's age, they simply have more years of experience than you, and therefore, often have the ability to identify the people, events, and circumstances that can greatly affect your life.

Many times, they have already been through what you are facing and understand how to react to the situation. While it's humbling to admit, you do not have all the answers to life's situations. Your parents' experience can help you avoid all kinds of wrong choices that cause heart-breaking consequences.

Samantha commented, "I think the best way to have a good relationship with your parents is to respect their opinions even if you don't agree with them. They have been through more of life and know more about the world than you do. They may not always understand your reasons, but they have a point to make, and you should listen to their views. Your parents can teach you a lot of things and keep you from a lot of pain, both physical and emotional, if you will keep an open mind and really think about what they are saying."

Nikki understands this truth, by having learned to listen to her parents. "If you actually listen to what they are trying to tell you and not just blow it off, and think here we go again another lecture, then it will have more of an advantage to you. Your parents just want to make sure you don't make the same mistakes they did. For once, listen to your parents and do what they tell you and see what happens."

3. Spend Time with Your Parents

There was a survey taken a while back that asked parents what would you like most from your teenager. The answer was: I wish they would spend more time with me. Another survey asked teenagers and young adults what they wanted most from their parents. The answer was the same.

Spending time with your parents, and learning to communicate with them, can actually transform your relationship. A girl called my show thanking me for some advice I gave her over a year ago. She was having problems with her mother. I advised her to say this to her mother: "Mom, I want to respect you and learn to love you so much. Let's spend an hour every day just talking." Her mother agreed. A year later, their relationship is awesome. She said to me, "My mother is so amazing. She is my best friend."

It's hard to understand and appreciate someone if you never spend any quality time with them.

Spending time with your parents is a huge challenge, I know. Andrea commented about how difficult this is: "I personally don't have a good relationship with my parents because they are always working, and I have a busy life myself."

Most people have very busy schedules. However, I believe that most parents would make every effort possible to spend more time with their teenage kids if they knew you were open to it. Don't assume your parents know this. You may need to ask.

4. Show Love to Your Parents

Everybody wants to be loved and appreciated. Your parents are no different. It is not enough for you to simply feel love for your parents; you need to express it to them. When you tell them you love them and are grateful to them for all they have done, it will have an incredible impact on your relationship.

Another way to express your love is by accepting their position of authority in your life. Like it or not, they do have the authority, so you need to show them respect even when you think they are wrong.

I understand this isn’t easy. You might be thinking your parents don’t deserve to be loved or appreciated. However, when you make an effort to treat them with love and respect, regardless, God will honor your efforts. You will be glad you did.

5. Seek and Give Forgiveness

No doubt, your parents have offended you at some point. And, most likely, there have also been times when you have disappointed and hurt them. Maybe it was a lie, or a broken promise, or mean words said in a fit of anger. Whatever it is, it’s important for you to forgive and to seek forgiveness.

Listen to my call with Laney who intentionally overdosed on Aleve to see how much her friends actually cared for her. Her parents are practically keeping her locked up in the house because they don't trust her anymore.

When you seek and offer forgiveness for hurt caused in the past, you are saying, "I love you and I don’t want there to be hurt between you and me. I care enough about our relationship to let go of my anger about how I've been hurt and to also recognize the wrong I have done and apologize."

I know that forgiveness isn't easy. It is a process in which by an act of your will, you yield your rights to get even with someone who has wronged you. When you forgive, you let go of the negative emotions that control you. If you don’t forgive the people who have hurt you, you are only asking for a life ruled by bitterness and rage.

Alyssa has some good advice: "When I was growing up and my family was having hard times, I did two things: I prayed and I wrote. I prayed to God to give me the strength to get through the tough times, to help me not be so hostile, and to be the best I could be in every aspect of my life no matter what was going on at home. I am a natural writer so I wrote about my feelings. I wrote about my day, I wrote about how I thought others feel, I just wrote to write. Both things help a lot to get through tough times."

6. Understand Your Parents are God’s Tool in Your Life

From the very beginning, it was God’s idea your parents would be an incredible tool to shape your life forever. It’s God’s plan for your parents to nurture and help you grow physically, emotionally, socially, and spiritually. Parents have the ability to see bad attitudes and weaknesses in your life. Everyone has rough edges and parents can help smooth those out. No one else cares enough or is honest enough to help you in this way. One of the best ways this happens is through the discipline of your parents. Like it or not.

When you are willing to honor and obey your parents, you are honoring their God-given responsibility and role in your life. Sometimes it may feel like obeying your parent's guidelines doesn't make any sense at all. But in the end, most parents love their kids and want what’s best for them. Doing what they ask will be a great way to have a stable life.

Worth the Work

These six ideas I have mentioned in this blog are simple to talk about, but not so simple to practice. I get that. But trust me, if you are willing to do the hard work, it could be life-changing. Remember no matter how difficult your parents may be, it is extremely important you do the best you can do to have a meaningful relationship with them. It will be worth it.

If you are having difficulty in your relationship with your parents, I hope this helps you. But you may still need one-on-one personal advice and communication for your specific family situation. Getting advice from a pastor or school counselor would be a good place to start. Find someone you can trust to talk to about what’s going on at home. Remember, you don’t have to carry it all alone.

PLEASE NOTE: If you are living in an abusive home, you are facing a different issue than what I address in this blog. It is likely that no matter what you do, things will not change. If you are being abused, please know it is NOT your fault.

Find out more here:
What is Abuse
Dealing with Abandonment
What is Verbal/Emotional Abuse
What is Physical Abuse

I want to talk about an in-depth journey through the difficult topic of forgiveness. I say difficult because forgiving someone who has deeply hurt you is no doubt the hardest challenge you will ever face. But deciding to forgive someone who has deeply hurt you is also, unquestionably, one of the most important choices you will ever make.

I want to walk with you step-by-step through how you can actually forgive someone. I truly believe this is the most important blog I've ever written because forgiveness will help you find freedom.  It will free you from the toxic emotions that trap you in bitterness and hate. So, let's get this started.

But first, it is important to state that forgiving someone does NOT make what they did right. You are not saying, "It's okay," because was not okay to hurt you. Rather, you are choosing to let go of the bitterness while remembering your boundaries. You don't have to be friendly with them again. You also might not FEEL forgiving, but forgiving someone is a choice you make, not a feeling you stir up. It is important to understand what forgiveness IS and what forgiveness IS NOT.

6 Steps on How to Forgive Someone

STEP ONE:  You can't truly forgive unless you have grasped the extent of the violation that has been done against you. With the help of a counselor, minister, or another professional, you need to seek to understand what happened to you when you were hurt and why it hurts so much.

Jane sent me some great advice, "Let all the things that have happened roll through your mind and let them pass through. Don't try to deny feelings of anguish that you may have had. If you keep trying to smother that fire, you won't help it. Allow yourself to experience the feelings you need to go through, then don't cling to them, let them go. Try to focus on the good things the experiences have provided you with, however tiny they may be compared with the wrongs the person has done to you."

STEP TWO:  Write down the name of the person you have chosen to forgive. Underneath that name, think of the many things you have done for which you need forgiveness and write them down. When we realize how much we need to be forgiven for all the wrongs we have done, it makes it easier to show mercy to those who have hurt us. Keep what you have written in front of you as you go through this process.

STEP THREE:  Realize forgiving others is a spiritual, supernatural exercise. In fact, it is impossible to truly forgive others without God's help. God can help you forgive because not only has He forgiven tens of billions of people, but He also has the power to help you, in particular. Just remember: He only helps those who admit their helplessness. You might say a simple prayer like this: God I admit I can't forgive (insert name) with my own power. Please help me. Help me to understand how much you have forgiven me, so I can forgive the person who has hurt me.

Nathan commented on how he has lived this out, "The hurt from the harm someone has done you is so big you cannot forgive on your own. I tried to put it aside, to rationalize it, even to blame myself for it. It was poisoning my spirit. Then one night I cried out to God realizing that this burden was too big for me alone. I laid the pain and anger and hurt at His feet, and He lifted the burden from me. It was only then that I could begin breathing in God's love and peace and move on."

STEP FOUR:  Now it's time to make the big decision to surrender. Let go of your deep desire to get even with the person who has violated you. Come up with a prayer or statement announcing your decision. Here's an example: By an act of my will, and God's power, I give up my rights to get even with (insert name). I make a commitment that when those sordid feelings come over me again, I will release them. I won't babysit them. I admit the feelings are real, but I choose not to be controlled by them any longer. Instead, I will dwell on the good things I have learned from this experience.

STEP FIVE:  Make a choice to have compassion on your violator. Look at them first, as a tragedy. In one sense they should be pitied. Bottom line is, because of their violation against you they have suffered, are suffering, and in the end will suffer far more in this life, or the one to come. We're not making excuses for them, but we're only saying they are pathetic, and desperately need our compassion. One way to show compassion is to pray for the person who has hurt you. Jesus said, "Pray for your enemies." He knows it is impossible to continue to pray for someone, and still hate them. Then, while you're praying for this person, ask for a blessing in their life. Pray that good things come to them. Wish them well.

STEP SIX:  Move on. It's time to make a concerted effort to stop dwelling on what happened. By forgiving someone you're promising not to bring it up again to use against him or her. If you are going to talk to someone about how the other person has hurt you, make sure this person is a professional or a wise person you can trust.

Jenn commented, "Forgiving takes time. It doesn't happen just once and it's over with. But I am letting [God] take it from my hands and letting Him handle it. It is not my place to punish [the guy who hurt me], and I certainly don't need to punish myself by holding on to that hurt and anger."

Forgiveness is Worth the Effort

In conclusion, forgiving someone who has hurt you could be the greatest challenge of your life. But if you choose to forgive, you will join those who are not being destroyed by bitterness, anger, hurt or other toxic emotions. There is nothing quite like living in peace, knowing you are a forgiving person. May God bless you as you seek to be a truly loving and forgiving person.

To understand more about why forgiveness is so important for your own emotional healing and future, read What Happens When You Don't Forgive. 

I received this anonymous comment about a painful childhood at the hands of an abusive stepmother, and the power of forgiveness to heal their relationship. They said, When I realized that she doesn't have that kind of hold over me anymore, and I don't have the strength to hold a grudge anymore, I forgave her, not for her, but for me. I feel a lot better. I can now talk to new people. I can now look them in the eye (which is something she never allowed me to do, because she thought I wasn't good enough). It can be done. It may not be easy, but it can be done. It's a lot healthier for someone to forgive what others have done to them than to just hold that grudge.

Forgiveness is a Major Challenge

You will never regret forgiving those who have violated you in some way. J.P. agrees forgiveness is a major challenge, but well worth it: Forgiveness is tough for many including me. I recently started to forgive people who have done me wrong; a past girlfriend who cheated on me, and an ex-finance who cheated on me with four other guys. I've been single for six years because of what she did! Because of this forgiveness, I've been having a better relationship with my mom and family, and everybody else!

While the positive outcome of forgiving someone is great, there are serious consequences for those who refuse to forgive. In fact, choosing not to forgive can drastically and severely affect nearly every area of your life.

What Happens When You Don't Forgive?

By holding onto that desire to get even, you continually drink the toxic poison of unforgiveness, hoping to get back at the person who hurt you.

I have heard it said that holding onto unforgiveness is like continually drinking rat poison, hoping the rat will die. By holding onto the desire to get even, you continually drink the toxic poison of unforgiveness, hoping to get back at the person who hurt you. Not only does it sound crazy, but it doesn't work! Unforgiveness is like a boomerang--you can throw it at the person who has hurt you, but it eventually comes back and hits you.

Unforgiving People Can Become...

• Prideful
• Angry
• Resentful
• Bitter
• Vengeful
• Hostile
• Judgmental
• Lonely
• Fearful
• Joyless
• Defensive
• Exhausted
• Blaming
• Irrational
• Violent
• Manipulative
• Non-Communicative
• Self-Destructive
• Indifferent To Helpful Advice
• Emotionally Dead
• Untrusting
• Self-Absorbed
• Negative
• Cynical
• Self-Righteous
• Stubborn
• Hopeless
• Spiritually Bankrupt

If you are refusing to forgive someone, which of these descriptions fit you best?

Prideful people set themselves up as a higher judge than God Himself, who is continually willing and waiting to forgive.

Surely none of us would ever want any of these negative qualities to define who we are. But sadly, many people let these crippling characteristics consume their lives, simply because of pride...the root of unforgiveness. Prideful people set themselves up as even a higher judge than God Himself, who is continually willing and waiting to forgive.

That is why we often say, "When you choose to forgive, you free the offender, but more importantly, you free yourself."

Jasmine commented on how forgiveness is found when you set yourself free of bitterness: It helps you a lot! But most people, including myself, think when you forgive someone, you're helping them in some way, and not yourself. That's not true. A lot of people need to understand that forgiving someone doesn't just help the person who has hurt you. It especially helps YOU! 

The bottom line of this blog is simple. Do yourself a big favor...FORGIVE! 

For more on forgiveness, read my blog, How to Forgive Someone that Deeply Hurt You.

Breaking up with your boyfriend or girlfriend is hard to do. But it's even more difficult when your ex won't leave you alone after the breakup. I figure there are at least two different reasons why an ex won't let go. Either they want to get back together with you, or they are just trying to get back at you.

When they don't get the message your relationship is over, you will have to clarify again exactly how you feel.

Clarify the Message that the Relationship is Over

When they don't get the message your relationship is over, you will have to clarify again exactly how you feel. Try not to approach this difficult issue when you're frustrated or angry. However, the more clear and direct you can be, the better. But remember, always be kind. Sooner or later, your ex will get the message.

Clarify the Boundaries

It is important to establish boundaries for yourself. While you're working on letting things cool down between you and your ex, try to avoid places and situations where you know he/she might be. If it gets to a point where you are continually made to feel uncomfortable, it might become necessary to talk directly to him/her again. Be prepared to say exactly what he/she is doing and how it makes you feel.

You might even want to take a friend with you when you talk to him/her. You need to be confident in this situation, as your ex might be looking for hope that you want to get back together. This is the time to be firm because you really want them to get the message. This is not the time or argue or fight. You are merely communicating your boundaries.

You may be tempted to go back into the relationship because you think you remember how good it felt to have somebody.

Get Back into a Relationship with an Ex?

You may be tempted to go back into the relationship because you think you remember how good it felt to have somebody. This is especially true if you have been sexual with each other, or you feel sorry for the other person. If you have one or two close friends, tell them why you are breaking up with your ex and ask them to remind you why you broke up when you start thinking about getting back together again.

Listen to my call with Vanessa who's pregnant and still has feelings for her baby's father who cheated on her and pulled a knife on her mom.

I also talked to Ty who says: My bf is an alcoholic, drug abuser and other things. But I don't know how to break up with him because every time I try to he gets VERY suicidal. I have to stay with him but I can't because it hurts me too much seeing him like this. I asked him to stop drinking and he said he would, but he hasn't, and I'm afraid that if he keeps doing this it's going to get to where he might hurt me.

Act Like an Adult and Firmly End It

Kalya says it's been three months since she left her boyfriend and he continues to provoke her. Her advice is priceless: When it's time to let go, do it, there can be no comparing or second-guessing, it just has to be done, especially if you are unhappy and worry all the time. You should not have to babysit your lover.

By communicating firmly and directly, you are acting like an adult. This kind of behavior will lead your ex to increase their respect for you, and finally get the message that you are no longer interested in having a relationship with them. 

Are You in Danger From Your Stalking Ex?

If you feel like your situation is dangerous, please tell someone...a parent, trusted advisor, principal, friend or even the police. Sometimes serious measures must be taken to free yourself from a troubled ex. Don't wait until it's too late.

Listen to my call with Candice. The father of Candice's son hit her mom and won't leave her alone. She has a restraining order against him but he keeps trying to come to her house and he's called her over 200 times in the past month.

Be Strong

You don't need to face this struggle alone.  God promises that He is with us and will help us whatever the struggle.  He tells us to be strong and not afraid because HE IS WITH US.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

Don't back down from what you know is right for you. Ask God to give you the strength you need.

The End of a Dating Relationship

One of the most painful experiences in life is the ending of a meaningful relationship, especially where there has been a romance. People who call my radio show always tell me stories about really heart-breaking endings to their relationships. Wouldn't it be amazing if somebody were to say, "My bf/gf treated me so well when we were breaking up, I couldn't help but respect him/her!"

But unfortunately, the end of a dating relationship is often full of deception, dishonesty, and disrespect. But it doesn't have to be this way. When you are breaking up with someone, for whatever reason, the best approach is to treat the other person the same way you would want to be treated.

Still, one thing is for sure. No matter how hard you try to be kind, the fact that you want to break up is going to hurt the other person. This is not something to do over the phone, via text messaging, social media, or email. Consider the time and location. Be courageous and respectful and have your conversation in person and in private.

Before you do anything, make sure you really do want to break up. If you're just angry at your bf/gf, you may want to talk about why you're upset, rather than just ending the relationship. Sometimes it feels easier to run from the relationship, when in reality there may be a great lesson to learn from a challenging situation.

Be prepared for the other person to ask why you're breaking up with him/her. You might want to write down some of your thoughts beforehand. If you're breaking up because of difficulties you've had with the relationship in the past, it'll be easier if you've already talked through them, and given the other person an opportunity to respond.

15 Dos and Don'ts When Breaking Up

• Don't have a friend break up for you.
• Don't ignore your ex and expect that person to understand.
• Never text a good-bye.
• Don't announce it on social media.
• Don't make your reasons complicated.
• Be direct, but kind.
• Don't say something mean about the other person.
• Don't say, "Let's just be friends." (You may be friends again, but it takes time for the relationship to heal).
• Answer their questions as honestly and kindly as possible.
• Don't say, "It's not you, it's me."
• Understand that the other person is going to be very hurt, confused and possibly angry.
• Don't go blabbing to other people about the break-up. Save your experience for a few trusted friends.
• Don't break up unless you know for sure it's final. The breaking up and then getting back together again cycle breeds mistrust.
• Wait before you start dating someone else, especially if you see your former bf/gf often.

Consider Brittini's story: After the last relationship when I broke up with my boyfriend, the week later he was asking my friend if she would go out with him! That made me so mad that the next time I saw him I just wanted to hurt him and her.

• Don't try to talk your bf/gf out of their decision.

Grace's advice is valuable: My beau of just over 4 yrs. broke up with me last Valentine's Day in what he later called "a defensive, reactive" moment - completely unexpected by either of us. I tried to talk him out of it for over an hour to no avail. Ladies, please DON'T do this. If he's gonna break up with you, let him. If he's wrong, truly loves you, and is a real man, he will come back for you. Do not chase him. It only leads to a more shattered heart.

Breaking Up Is Hard...Be honest and sensitive.

Breaking up is hard. There's no getting around that. Just listen to Kate, who said: I just broke up with my boyfriend of 6 months last week. I know 6 months isn't that long, but I would drive 74 miles (one way) to see him, sometimes several times a week. He never came to see me. He also told me that he didn't love me, and he never would. Instead of breaking it off and trying to heal myself like a normal person, I would do just about anything to keep the relationship going. I can't live without him, and my heart is genuinely broken. I know God is the only one who can fill the hole in my heart.

If you use honesty, compassion, and sensitivity, you'll both be better off in the end.  Treat him or her with the same respect you'd like someone to treat your future husband/wife.

The fact that you are reading this blog shows that you care enough to do this the right way and want to be as compassionate as possible. I commend you for that. When handling any sensitive situation, it is helpful to think about approaching the conversation with these words: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. These words are called the Fruit of the Spirit in the Bible.  They describe the essence of God, and that is always a good place to start.

If you're struggling to get through a difficult breakup, you might want to read my blog about Getting Over A Broken Heart for some additional thoughts.

Many people think talking about condoms encourages people to have sex. As if condoms are the magic ticket to preventing the spread of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) or unwanted pregnancy. Tragically, this is a lie. There are plenty of "condom babies," children who were conceived while their parents were attempting to play it "safe with a condom. Not to mention thousands of cases of STDs that have been spread, even with condom use.

As you no doubt have heard, there is no such thing as "safe sex." Only safer sex. The only sure proof way to be safe is to keep it in within a committed marriage relationship. Every other kind of sex, is risky at best, and potentially life-threatening.

I've got a powerful comment from Riah, whose logic cannot be ignored: My secret to avoiding STDs is staying away from sex all together. That's the best way to avoid anything, and it's not really a secret, its common sense, really. A lot of guys would probably be like one time can't hurt anything but that's all it takes is once for ANYthing to happen. I'm really committed to my decision to not have sex until marriage. I don't think you can trust anybody or anything with your health. You have to be extra EXTRA careful nowadays because if you make a wrong decision, your life can be changed in a split second. If you have future plans and goals, you won't want to mess things up by getting pregnant too early. Everyone makes mistakes, but if you don't put yourself in that situation then you really don't have anything to worry about. The secret is staying away from sex all together. It may not be easy or popular but it's the safest way out and you won't regret it in the long run.

Riah is right.

But it's amazing to me how many people take risks with STDs and unwanted pregnancies every day. As I mentioned in my first blog, there are 67 million people in America with STDs and 12 million more people are added to that number every year. Every one of them rolled the dice and lost. The Center for Disease Control found that among sexually active students in grades nine through 12 nationwide, only about 58 percent report that either they or their partner had used a condom during their last sexual intercourse.

But I'm a realist. I know you still very well might take a chance with safer sex or condoms. I sure don't want you getting hurt. It's not worth it. James' comment says it all: I have HSV2 (genital herpes) and I don't know that I would say I made a bad choice' or had it could never happen to me' kind of attitude. I only slept with guys I trusted and with guys I was in serious relationships with. Along the way I slept with someone who said he didn't know he had it. Whether he did or didn't, it has changed my life and I moved on. It was a long hard road, but I have come out stronger and left him far back in the dust!

Sadly, the fact is people are going to continue having unsafe sex and end up paying the consequences. This is why it is so vitally important to know the truth about condoms. So here goes, not to give permission to have the misuse of sex, but so anyone using condoms is more informed about what you are getting into.

CONDOM FACTS:

• When used properly, latex condoms can help (though not completely) protect you and your partner from unplanned pregnancy, reduce the risk of HIV infection (which causes AIDS) and many, but not all, STDs.
• Condoms are 98 percent effective in preventing pregnancy when used consistently and correctly.
• The first-year effectiveness rate in preventing pregnancy among typical condom users on average is 86 percent. This includes pregnancies resulting from errors in condom use.
• In any sort of nonexclusive sexual relationship--or in any relationship in which one partner's HIV status is unknown - you should automatically be using a condom, even if your partner is on the pill or using another form of contraception.
• Condom breakage or slippage can occur (somewhere around 2 percent of the time), but studies indicate this rarely happens when condoms are properly used. Fit is important. If it's too tight, a condom is more likely to break. If it's too loose, it may slip off.
• If you use a condom with a sperm-killing (spermicidal) cream or jelly, the risk of pregnancy is further decreased.
• It's important to use a new condom for each act of vaginal, anal or oral sex. You can also get STDs (including HIV) from anal and oral sex, too. Using a latex condom to prevent transmission of HIV is more than 10,000 times safer than not using a condom.
• There is no definitive study about condom effectiveness for all STDs. But several studies have demonstrated that condoms, when used consistently and correctly, can protect against the transmission of chlamydia, gonorrhea, and trichomoniasis, and may protect against genital herpes and syphilis.
• Stay away from alcohol and other drugs, as they may make you take risks, like having sex without a condom.
• To learn how to use condoms, read the directions on the package and practice before you have sex.
• The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention explains that the term condom failure often imprecisely refers to the percentage of women who become pregnant over the course of a year in which they reported using condoms as their primary method of birth control - even if they did not use condoms every time, they had intercourse. The CDC concluded, clearly these statistics don't report condom failure but user failure.
• The book "Contraceptive Technology" explained, only three of 100 couples that use condoms perfectly for one year will experience an unintended pregnancy.

Everyone who is sexually active faces some risk of HIV. Good self-esteem means caring about your risk. And you are worth the effort. Everyone deserves to be safe. And safer sex may be easier than you think. Worrying about your partner's reaction is normal. But not being safe because you are afraid of rejection is just too risky. It's better to face rejection than to become infected with HIV.

With all this being said, this is not an invitation to begin having sex with your boyfriend or girlfriend. I'd highly encourage you to wait until you are married to start exploring this side of your life. I've never talked to anybody who waited until they got married to have sex that has ever regretted that decision. But I have talked to hundreds of people who cannot bury the regret and pain that has been brought on by rolling the dice and taking a chance with condoms.

There is one area where a condom fails every time. It will not protect your heart. 

Finding out you are pregnant can be a wonderfully joyous moment, but for some it could be one of the most shocking and devastating moments of your life.

At first, you don't believe it. Surely there has been a mistake somehow. But after a visit to the doctor, there's no kidding yourself. The doctor's tests don't lie. You are pregnant. There's no getting around it.

Now, what do you do? You feel alone, confused, afraid, a thousand thoughts swirling around in your mind. You're feeling more emotions than you've ever felt before all at the same time. Then the questions start: Who should I tell? Will my boyfriend stay with me? What will my parents say? Will they kick me out of the house? What will my friends say? Where am I going to get the money to take care of the baby? What about adoption or even abortion? It's overwhelming. What should you do? Sometimes you almost need a guide to help you walk through your experience.

Hopefully this blog will be that guide. I want to give you some suggestions on what to do and not to do when you find out you're pregnant and don't know what to do.

What To Do If You Are Pregnant

1. Suggestion #1: Never make a decision based on impulse, fear, or shock. The first thing that comes to your mind when you are pregnant is, "What shall I do?" It seems like a thousand questions need to be answered. The first thing you should do is nothing. You have several months to figure out what you are going to do with the baby. Calm yourself as best you can and then pray. Ask God to keep you calm and to give you wisdom in what to do next. Remember, we usually don't make good decisions when we act out of fear, confusion, and shock. You may have heard someone say when having a difficult decision to make, let me sleep on it. They're want to calm down so the wisdom part of their brain can kick in.  Then they won't do something impulsive they'll regret later. Remind yourself that hundreds of thousands of people have gone through what you're going through and somehow in some way most of them made it and you will too. Remind yourself the decisions you will be making affect not only you, but those closest to you and especially the baby. I tell the teenagers and young adults who call me and are pregnant to remember to always do what's best for the baby. So, calm down and take a deep breath. Things will turn out okay.
2. Suggestion #2: Tell those closest to you about your pregnancy. Now it is time to tell those closest to you that you are in fact pregnant, or your girlfriend is pregnant. This is a very difficult thing to do because you cannot predict how people will respond to the news. So, start with someone you trust the most. The most difficult people to tell maybe your parents. The sooner you tell them the better so they can be a support to you as you make decisions. One way to do this is to sit down with them and tell them how much you love them and thank them for their support over the years. Then tell them you really need their support right now. Then go ahead and explain to them what has happened.
3. Suggestion #3: Talk to the father of your child.
   You may be wondering, "What will my boyfriend do?" Good communication between you is very important. Each of you will need to be honest about your feelings and thoughts. Sometimes it is helpful to see a counselor together or another trusted adult to help you talk through your feelings and possible decisions.
4. Suggestion #4 Find A Support Group.
   Many cities have free pregnancy care clinics that will give you advice on pre-natal care and talk to you about your options. Our partner, Option Line, can help you find the clinic closest to you. Some clinics offer counseling, parenting classes, and free ultrasounds.
5. Suggestion #5: Make a list of choices you have before you.
   Ask yourself questions such as who will raise the baby? Can I provide financially? Is the father going to be involved? Where will we live? You can give the baby up for adoption. I must admit, I am biased about this decision. My wife and I have had the privilege of adopting two boys at a very young age. We were unable to bear children, so this option for us was a Godsend. It is never easy to give up your baby for adoption, but there are loving couples out there who would give your baby a wonderful home and family.

If you are pregnant and wondering what to do, download your free eBook.

Last week I blogged about getting pregnant before marriage. Very few of these pregnancies work out well. No matter what people say, there is all kinds of pain and havoc mixed with fear. Most people who get pregnant out of wedlock didn't mean for it to happen or have not counted the costs of what it would take to raise a baby, mostly alone. There are others who don't even think about what their actions might do to their family. It is almost always upsetting to the family of the one who is pregnant. While these wounds can be healed, they still cause great damage and hurt in relationships.

I received a comment from a guy named Jonathan who talked about the pain in his family because of an unplanned pregnancy.

My unmarried sister who lives about 800 miles away was talking to my parents on the phone...I heard her tell my parents she was pregnant. She and her boyfriend decided to get married and raise the baby. My mother is very emotional and couldn't even mention my sister for the longest time. Going to the wedding was completely out, because it would have been an emotional train wreck for my mom[she] seems to have mostly recovered and is talking to my sister again, but there is still some hurt inside me. The hardest part is that I don't know when I'll ever see her again and if I do, the kids will have missed out on seeing their uncle for probably several years of their lives. Plus, tensions at home escalated which made things incredibly hard on my dad, my grandmother, and me. At least, through all of this, there is hope. I can be thankful to God that my sister's husband is a Christian man who shouldered his responsibility as a father and not a jerk who ran off at the first sign of trouble.

Jonathan and his family are very fortunate the father of the baby is going to shoulder his responsibilities as a father. I receive hundreds of calls every year where that is not the case, and the mother is basically on her own trying to raise her baby. One has to wonder how it is if having a baby before marriage is so difficult, why so many people still get pregnant, thereby altering their lives forever. It's worth talking about because you may be thinking some of the same things people who get pregnant out of wedlock are thinking. So here goes.

They Think they're in Love

It seems that girls get pregnant because they are so in love with their partners that they do not see anything else.

When a person thinks they're in love, nothing else matters. All they want is to keep that feeling alive, that feeling of being super in love and cherished and accepted by the opposite sex. The hard, cold reality of unprotected sex does not make a difference on these people. They're living on the we're in love high and nothing else matters. But then, oops, life has a way of showing up and someone gets pregnant. It seems that girls get pregnant because they are so in love with their partners that they do not see anything else, like what the consequences could be. (Mehaa)

It Can't Happen to ME Syndrome

Teenagers are kind of in denial. The whole we're invincible' stuff is what runs through our head during every situation.

Have you ever wondered why most soldiers are like 19 or 20 years old? It's because when a person is young, he/she can feel bulletproof, like nothing's going to happen to them. Some people feel that way about getting pregnant. They play sexual Russian Roulette and don't think for a moment they will get unlucky and end up pregnant. Sadly, many of these people are wrong. There's an old saying that goes, if you play with the instruments, you will get music. People who play and don't plan for the consequences often end up paying far more than they bargained for. Teenagers are kind of in denial. The whole we're invincible' stuff is what runs through our head during every situation. So, if we find someone that we have feelings for and they want to have sex, a teen most likely would. Rebelling for some reason is what teenagers like to do, so having sex is a way to show the parents that you are an adult, and you can take care of yourself... (P.J.)

They Want a Child to Love

There are some girls who are so lonely and empty they convince themselves having a baby will give them love. The baby somehow will know to give love back to their mother. But the fact of the matter is babies may be cute, but for the most part they're takers who have great needs. Early in their lives, they have no concept of how to love their mother or father. Teenagers and young adults who plan on having a baby should get their love from some other source, and then give it to the baby unconditionally. They should expect the baby to give back. [Pregnancy] is a growing problem that has a lot of reasons. Many of the girls come from broken homes or parents who don't pay enough attention to them. They are looking for someone to love and they think they will find it in a baby. (Emily)

They Want Attention

Some girls see their friends get pregnant and watch all the attention the new mother gets. They say to themselves, If I got pregnant, I could get that attention too. And since these people are suffering from a love and attention deficit, getting attention no matter what the consequences seems like a good option. These people don't think about the huge commitment they are making for a tiny bit of attention for just a little time. They see other people with babies, and how much attention they get, and decide Hey, maybe I should have a kid too'(Richard)

They Are Trying to Keep Their Guy

Getting pregnant to keep a guy is the riskiest reason of all. It almost never works.

It is true. Some girls actually think if they get pregnant to a guy, he is more likely to stay in the relationship. Sometimes that is true, but usually, the opposite happens. On my radio show, Dawson McAllister Live, I hear hundreds of stories of girls who get pregnant and when they're boyfriend finds out, he runs. I call it sex and run. When he finds out his girlfriend is pregnant, he doesn't think about the baby or his girlfriend. He only thinks about getting out of a jam. Getting pregnant to keep a guy is the riskiest reason of all. It almost never works. Another time I came across someone who became pregnant so the guy couldn't leave her. Others get pregnant to keep a punk boy around (Richard and Emily)

What would you do if you find out you were pregnant? If a guy, what would you do if you found out your girlfriend was pregnant?

If you are pregnant and wondering what to do, download your free eBook.