Friends with benefits. This concept is nothing new, but I just have to wonder how it's working out for people. I mean, who really benefits? Is it a 50/50 benefit? What is the actual BENEFIT? Can there be friends with benefits and still friends after the benefits are gone? Can someone have sex, even casual sex, without it affecting them emotionally, spiritually, physically, etc?

Your comments have helped me better understand the entire issue. After all I've heard on my show and read in your comments, it's worth talking about.

What's Wrong With Friends With Benefits?

So, what are friends with benefits?

Here's one definition I found: A friend with benefits is a casual relationship between two people who engage in sex without demanding or expecting a more committed, romantic relationship.

Other ways to define "friends with benefits"

It's sex with a friend...

• With no strings attached.
• Just for fun.
• Without romantic drama.
• Whenever you want it.
• Without emotional attachment.

One student described "friends with benefits" like this, "You know, you go out on a date - dinner and a movie sometimes. You know, just as friends. And then afterward, there are the benefits. It's like a drug almost. You know where you can get it and you know where you can get it CHEAP. And that's where you go."

Hmmm...It is "like a drug" and it is "cheap". Those are not words I would use to describe a friendship that is mutually rewarding and beneficial.

Christina gave a female's perspective of what she thought "friends with benefits" are, "I am currently in a friends with benefits thing, but it's more like we're casual sex partners. I wasn't sure it was possible, because I tend to get really attached, but managed to stay distant."

Again, "casual" and "distant" don't describe a meaningful relationship with healthy benefits.

Why Do People Want "Friends with Benefits"?

No Commitment

There are some people who are fearful of a committed relationship. To them, commitment is something scary. Maybe they have been abandoned in the past or hurt by someone they committed themselves to and so now they are afraid to trust anyone again. Because of their fear they miss out on a truly meaningful relationship. You can read more about abandonment issues here.

Fear of Rejection

There are many people who are afraid of being rejected. This is especially true in romantic relationships. Some people have been rejected by parents or bullies at school. These people are very cautious about relationships. Jennifer explained it well, "I think a lot of people have friends with benefits instead of relationships because they don't want to get close to anyone for fear of getting hurt."

It's A Drug

Physiologically the act of sex causes a chemical reaction in the brain that is similar to a drug effect. God designed this to happen during sex so that within a committed relationship two people would be drawn together for life. When it is used casually it becomes a dangerous and unhealthy addiction rather than a relationship.

Does Meaningless Sex Exist?

It is easy to see why so many people might think they want a "friend with benefits" experience. They think it is just the fun with none of the emotional, caring stuff attached.

However, the reality is sex is never meaningless. It is impossible to connect with someone through sex without your heart being involved at some level...even if it is to harden your heart. So, in the end you walk away from a friend with benefits relationship with a temporary "fix", but completely unfulfilled or even deeply hurt.

Why would you do this to yourself? You deserve more from a relationship and you can have it. Stop treating yourself like you are not worth a commitment. Perhaps it is time to deal with the real issue, which is healing from past experiences and relationships.

For more on sex and dating frequently asked questions, read this blog next. 

https://www.thehopeline.com/the-game-plan-for-suicide-prevention

My Story With an Abusive Relationship

I’m Feeling Scared in My New Relationship

“I left my husband. He was very physically and mentally abusive. I’m actually seeing a guy now and I don’t really know what to do. I think my past relationship is hindering me because it’s a very big transition from being physically and mentally abused to this guy who seems great, but I’m scared.” – Angel Hope

In this episode, we’re talking with Angel Hope. She made the brave decision to leave her abusive husband. Now, that she has left him do you think it’s wise for her to start dating right away? We’ve got a mixture of opinions on that from our guests. Here’s more of Angel Hope’s story.

She explains what happened between her and her husband: “We got in a big argument one night, and he ended up trying to strangle me and I bit him, and the cops got called. I didn’t tell the cops what happened with him, because he’s military. I ended up going to jail for 4 days and I’m fighting it as a criminal case now for self-defense.”

Her Relationship is Shot!

She’s not officially divorced yet. In North Carolina, you have to be separated for a year and a day before you can get divorced. So, she has 6 months to go.

Angel hope is seeing a guy now but is confused. She feels her past relationship is hindering her. It’s a big transition from being physically and mentally abused to this guy who seems great, but at the same time, she’s scared.

She says, “I feel my actions could hinder us in our relationship. I have to sit down with him tomorrow because I ended up sleeping with him last night for the first time. I woke up this morning, really scared, thinking, what have I done. So, I left. He called me this morning and said, “Are you alright?” I said, “I’m not sure.” He said, “Do you want to come over?” I said, “Yes.” I didn’t explain anything to him of what happened.” He said, “We’re going to have to sit down tomorrow and talk because something’s off.” I don’t know what to do and what to say. I’m really scared. I don’t know if I’m right to be with this guy while I’m in a separation.

Too Much Too Soon

Dawson: Let’s say you are a track star, and have a chance to break the record for whatever event you are in. But you sprained your ankle badly. It makes no sense to try to get up and run the next day, does it?
Angel Hope: No
Dawson: You’ve been traumatized. You don’t even know the extent of your pain, your humiliation, and your fears. They're just starting to surface now. I don’t want to be negative but you’re not well.
Angel Hope: I know.
Dawson: But you’re trying to act as if you are well.
Angel Hope: Exactly.
Dawson: Excuse my flippantness, but you are no more ready for sex than the man on the moon. There’s all this intimacy that brings out all kinds of feelings. And it’s not fair to the guy, but more importantly it’s not fair to you. You’re uncovering issues before you get all your other issues dealt with.
Angel Hope: Yes. I don’t know what to do.
Dawson: We’ve got to get back to the foundation. You’ve gone from one relationship to another with no time for healing.
Angel Hope: It’s been 6 months.
Dawson: That’s not long enough for what you’ve been through. It’s not fair to your new boyfriend. It’s not fair to you. You need to be taking your time working on your healing. But you’re going in the opposite direction.
Angel Hope: How do I do that? How do I heal?
Dawson: First thing you do is break up with your boyfriend. Are you open to doing that? You really don’t know this guy. And things got really complicated last night. You are your own worst enemy…trying to drink from an empty cup.
Angel Hope: And drowning myself.
Dawson: You absolutely are. This relationship is premature at best. You need to get into some kind of counseling. The sooner, the better. Remember there’s still trauma ahead of you with your ex.
Angel Hope: I know. I hate him so much. Also, he stole my emotional support dog from the people who were watching him. And he ran him over, around the same time I had a miscarriage.
Dawson: That makes my advice even stronger. Let’s say you're with guy #2 and you’re very much in the romance stage with guy #2. Eventually he’s going to remind you of guy #1. I’m not saying he’s going to beat you and run over your dog, but he’ll remind you of him.
Angel Hope: I’m drowning, and I don’t know how to get up.
Dawson: We’re going to go to your peers and see what they think.

Peer to Peer: Advice for Angel

Angel Hope gets advice from her peers.
Go to a Crisis Center – Heather
I’ve been where you’ve been. I’ve been single for a year now. I don’t think it’s a good thing for you to have a boyfriend. You need time to heal. You need time to cope. The best way I did to cope, I signed myself into a crisis center. I talked with people about what I was going through…the mental, physical, and verbal abuse. Go back to counseling again!

You Need a Really Good Support System – Allison
I just went through the exact same thing; except I was not married, and I was 16. I’m 18 now. I went through this really abusive relationship, and it was awful, but I didn’t know how to leave that. I think you should stay with this guy, because he might be what you need. He might be your support system. You need to sit him down and tell him everything that has happened to you. I’m diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety. Going to counseling has helped me immensely. So maybe you need to get in with a counselor.

Trust me you need to get into a small group type thing too. I run a Bible study and that has helped me a lot. I talk about anxiety and PTSD in my Bible study. You need to get a really good support system, because that’s what has helped me.

Discover Inner Peace - Jessica
Check this new guy out, before you go all the way in with him. He might not be the one you are looking for. He might hurt you, so check him out. Find something to help you cope, for me, boxing is therapeutic and helps me with my anger. Find something that helps you with your inner peace. Find a good support system. I have a friend who is amazing and gives me so much positive energy. Find friends to give you positive energy. If you feed off of negative energy, it will do nothing but weigh you down, and you don’t need that.

Explain Everything to the New Guy - Robert
I’ve been with my girl for 5 years and she’s been through a physical and emotionally abusive relationship. It took a while for me to gain her trust. She didn’t want to let her guard down, which is understandable. It took time. If this second guy loves you and respects you the way a guy should, he’ll understand. I would talk to him and explain it all and he could be a good support system for your healing.

Find Yourself First – Jimmy
It’s very disrespectful for a guy to do that to a woman. It’s just someone who doesn’t have morals or respect for another human being.

Your very young Angel Hope, you have a whole life ahead of you. Find yourself before you do anything. There are men out there all over, but you have to find yourself, your inner peace first. You must find God in your heart and let Him work with you. God can help you and take care of you. It takes time to heal. If you take time, and find yourself first, then everything else falls into place.

Freedom of Being Single

Angel Hope, you’re 19, you can work on the foundation now, even if you have to be single for a few years. Think about being strong enough to be single and not have to have a guy to feel good about yourself - the freedom of being single.

It’s Unanimous – Get Counseling and Work on Your Healing

We are behind you, Angel Hope! And It’s unanimous… we all agree, you need to work on your healing and go to counseling!
There are 2 different approaches here to dating again. Dawson, Heather, Jimmy, and I think getting into this new relationship is too much, too soon. We are in agreement that you need to work on your healing and yourself first before complicating your life with another relationship. It’s hard to see clearly and know what you want when you’ve been battered and bruised both physically and emotionally.
But on the other side of that Allison and Robert say you should tell the new guy you’re dating what you’ve been through, and he could be part of your support system. Angel Hope you are a smart girl; we know you are going to do what you need to do and work on your healing. Remember, God will be your strength, comfort, refuge, and will give you peace as you trust Him!

Resources for Abusive Relationships:

How to recognize the signs and types of abuse: https://www.thehopeline.com/topics/abuse/
Help for healing after abuse:

• One Day at a Time: Healing After Abuse
• Abusive Relationships: Will I Ever Be Back to Normal After Leaving Abuse?
• Staying Hopeful After Abuse and Assault

Need to talk to someone? Chat with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine.

One last thing,
My podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now on our Give Now page.

How to Handle Addiction in Your Family

Should I Have a Relationship with My Addict Father?

Marie’s dad was addicted to crack when she was little. He stole from her. He was never really involved in her life. Now, she wants to be a part of his life, but at the same time she doesn’t want to get hurt again.

The struggle is real when you’re the child of an addict. You want to have a strong bond with them. You want them to be the parent and you get to be the child, but more oftentimes you end up having to be the parent because their life is a mess, and they aren’t thinking clearly. It’s important to protect yourself, when your parent isn’t able to do that for you, and sometimes that means protecting yourself from your parent. We’re going to hear more from Marie, as she explains the inner battle, she’s dealing with…of wanting to have a relationship with her father, but not being able to.

I Don’t Want My Father Taking Advantage of Me

My dad and I have always had an on and off-again relationship. He was addicted to crack when I was little, so I never really had a relationship with him. Then a few years ago, he turned to synthetic marijuana, and it’s made him a completely different person. He manipulates people. He has a 70-year-old girlfriend. She paid all of his fines for him and gave him thousands of dollars. He steals from me. He asks me for rides and stuff. I just want to be part of my dad’s life but at the same time, I don’t want to be taken advantage of. He was living with me and my mom for a couple of weeks, and today was the last straw. My great uncle had passed away 2 weeks ago, and now he’s taking advantage of my great uncle’s girlfriend. Now, she’s paying his fines, she’s giving him money, she’s giving him everything of my great uncles and he’s selling it.

I’m Worried About My Father Dying

I’m more worried than anything, because I’ve always had to be the parent in the relationship. I’m worried because I think he’s going to die. Two weeks ago, we had an argument and he told me he was done, and he almost died in the middle of the night from smoking synthetic marijuana. He’s okay with it. He told me I disrespect him, whenever I don’t give him my money, or I don’t do certain things for him.

I’m Angry with Him

I’m angry with him. He told me he was going to change this time. That he wasn’t going to do that. That he wasn’t going to leave me again, and I believed him. I’m mad at myself because I believed him.

Peer to Peer: Advice for Marie

Marie wants to know how to cope with an addicted parent. Do you have advice for her? There were some who wanted to encourage Marie and some shared how they coped with having addicts in their lives. Sonya confirms to Marie that she’s doing the right thing when she doesn’t give in. Carline wants to make sure Marie protects herself, stays safe, and encourages her to pray over her father. Eddie says Marie needs to not only forgive her father for his many mistakes but also forgive herself. And Margo thinks the best thing Marie can do is show her father she loves him.

Don’t Give In – Sonya

I feel for what you’re going through. I went through something similar, not with a parent, but a significant other, who had an addiction I really didn’t know of, until later on in the relationship. I was convinced at that moment, Marie, that God was not going to allow me to be in a position that he had not prepared me for. You need to believe that whatever you’re in, God has equipped you to handle. He is using you as an instrument to bring some sense into your father’s life. You are doing the right thing when you don’t give in. God doesn’t want you to give in. God wants you to stand your ground in faith and believe that what you are doing you are doing out of love for your heavenly father and your father here.

I have the sense, Marie, that you are a very wise, young woman. Use that wisdom to ask for God’s guidance and He will lead you. It’s not going to be an easy walk. It was not an easy walk for me. There was a lot of turmoil, but I know that God would not want me to give in. I went through some verbal abuse, it was horrible.

Four years after, the story is entirely different. I owe that to my father in heaven, who made me feel like he was on my side, and I was doing the right thing by not giving in. I called out my significant other on everything he was doing that I knew he should not be doing. Sometimes, I felt like his mom. It didn’t feel right, but it did feel right because I was doing the right thing. If God has given you this responsibility, it’s because he has equipped you for it.

Keep Yourself Safe – Carline

I have to speak with you from the heart of a grandmother. I’m expecting my first grandchild this year. So, what I’m telling you, I’m telling you with love. Keep yourself safe. Do not be afraid to call 9-1-1 for your safety, for your father’s safety.

Pray Over Him

Pray over him. Pray over yourself and get close to the Lord. He said, if you draw nigh unto Him, He will draw nigh unto you. (“Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.” James 4:8) So, please, Marie, pray over your father. When he is angry, show him love and patience and unconditional love and respect and the Lord will keep you safe. Trust in the Lord.

Forgive Yourself - Eddie

I’m speaking as the adult child of an addict, and a recovering addict myself. I’d like to congratulate this young lady for having the courage to do what’s she’s doing. And I would suggest you forgive yourself, because all the things that are happening to you are not because of the things you have done. It’s nothing to do with what you’ve done. You have to forgive yourself, and don’t hold it against yourself that your relationship is not a good one. This is what I had to do. I had to understand that my family was toxic to me, and I had to love them at arm’s length. Think about that and I also recommend you find a 12-step program. Those programs are ordained by God, and I think they would help you a lot. They changed my life entirely.

The best thing to do is show him love – Margo

The only thing she can do for him is show him love. Show him that somebody does love him. It can either go bad or it can go good. I know that with love, hope and faith good things are possible.

Lean on God for Strength and Support

Marie as Sonya said to you, God will equip you with what you need to handle this, as you seek Him for wisdom and guidance. Don’t try to do it all on your own, lean on God for strength and support. Ephesians 6:10 says, "Let the mighty strength of the Lord make you strong." 

What do we know when dealing with an addict?

You have to set boundaries. Addicts will use every trick in the book, even if they are your parent to feed their addiction. That is their number one goal…to feed their habit. You have to set boundaries with your dad and stick to those boundaries like super glue sticks to fingers. Otherwise, he will continue to take advantage of you. One example Marie of a boundary you need to set is to not give him any money. You can offer to cook him dinner, or buy him a meal, but under no circumstances give him cash. This is just one example. You also need to let him know he may not use around you in any circumstances and limit his staying with you.

Love is Powerful

Eddie and Margo both told you Marie to show him love and absolutely that’s what you should do. Love is powerful. It’s what God does for us, loves us with a never-ending unfailing love even when we act like babies and rebel and sin. You can love your father, while at the same time setting boundaries to protect yourself, and not giving him control over your life. He will have to come to the end of himself in order to change and seek help. He doesn’t seem quite there yet. He might not be ready, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a healthy, stable life. Stay strong in the Lord, Marie, and continue seeking help and getting as much support as you need so you can stand firm on your own convictions.

Resources for Substance Abuse:

For hope and help in overcoming substance abuse and addiction, download our free eBook: Understanding Substance Abuse.
Need to talk to someone? Chat with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine.
Other podcast episodes you might be interested in:

• How to Deal with Verbally Abusive Parents EP 25
• How to Deal with Anger EP 23

Also, check out my blogs to help you work through addiction:

• Family Addiction: I’m Angry About My Parent’s Addiction
• Someone I Love Has an Addiction: Can I Help?
• Addiction Recovery: Why Does Addiction Happen?
• How to Help Someone Who Is Overdosing

One last thing,
My podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now on our Give Now page.

 

I Went Down a Path I Never Thought I Would

Ashley shares her story:
Ashely: I’ve been an addict for about 10 years now, and I’ve been clean for a little over 2 months.
Dawson: Time out! You are 25 and you’re telling me, you were an addict at 15?
Ashely: Yes, I was.
Dawson: Addicted to what?
Ashely: Opiates and heroin
Dawson: Opiates are big now, aren’t they?
Ashely: Yes, they are.
Dawson: People are dying all over this country just horrifically.
Ashely: I know, it’s heartbreaking.
Dawson: So, you were an addict at 15?
Ashely: My mom was killed when I was 13 years old. I started doing drugs to escape reality then my reality just became way worse from then on. I was addicted for years, and very very lost. I went down a path that I never ever thought I would go down. I know a lot of people can relate to that. I did things I never thought I would do. I ended up in jail about 3 months ago, and I spent 3 weeks in there.
Dawson: Why were you in jail? What’d they get you for?
I rededicated my life to the Lord in jail and I’ve never felt so free.
Ashely: I have a son. He’s 1 year and 3 months old, and I got a chemical endangerment charge because I was using when I was pregnant. They put me on drug court, and I did not get sober. I skipped drug court and they arrested me. And it’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I rededicated my life to God when I was in jail. He saved my life and turned it around. I’ve never felt so free. It feels so good now to wake up and not have to have something other than His Spirit to make it through the day. I never ever thought I would be here.
Dawson: Did you get your baby back?
Ashely: I have not yet, but I know God works everything out is His timing, and according to His will. I’m waiting patiently. I know He’s going to work everything out for my good. I’m just having to be patient and have faith in Him. It’s not easy to do sometimes, but I have faith it’s going to work out.
Dawson: When did you originally come to Christ?
Ashely: I grew up in church off and on, but I got a personal relationship with God when I was about 18 years old. I’ve been on and off since then, but I’ve always known God. I’ve always known He was there. I’ve just fallen short and let guilt and all of that pull me away.

Peer to Peer: Encouragement for Ashley

Ashley has turned her life around, but I know she’s got some tough days ahead. We asked for encouragement for her and received these amazing responses.

I understand struggles. You are so much stronger than you believe. ~ Macey

Macey – “I just wanted to share a verse that has helped me out a lot in my life. Although I don’t fully understand what she’s going through, I do understand struggles. And it’s Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

And I also want to remind her that she’s so much stronger than she believes. I forgot that a lot. I used to forget how much power I actually have. God’s given you a ton of power. You have the power to say, ‘You know what? I’m over this. I’m done and I don’t want to struggle with this anymore.’ You have the power to stand up and leave that behind.

I recently was saved from depression and anxiety just a couple months ago. I was 1400 miles away from home. I had one aunt there with me. I was laying in bed, and I was broken. I didn’t have anything. I was done. I didn’t have the energy for the next day and that’s where God met me, like he met her. He gave me just enough for the next day. I survived that day, and then he gave me just enough for the next day. He continued that for about 2 weeks, until I looked back and I’m like, whoa, that’s not even a thing anymore for me. Sometimes it takes that… just getting through one day at a time. It’s okay to do that too.”

Jesus said, let’s live one day at a time. In Matthew 6:34, he said, “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.”

I’ve wasted so much of my life. I want so much more for you. ~ Wendy

Wendy – I’m a little bit older than your usual demographic. I could hear a lot of myself in Ashley. God bless you, Ashley! I have struggled with that for 23 years…legal opiates, medical problems but it turned into an addiction.

First of all, I wanted to thank you for encouraging me. When I heard you say, now when I get up in the morning, it’s God that’s enough to get me through the day instead of the other junk.

I feel like I wasted so much of my life. I want so much more for Ashley, having gone through that for 23 years. It will be a struggle for the rest of my life, but that’s because Satan is always wanting to bring us down. God has amazing plans for me. God has amazing plans for Ashley. And that is why Satan uses all kinds of vehicles, but he uses this vehicle so much these days.

I understand the lie of these opiates are going to get me through the day. I’m not going to feel very much pain. I’m going to feel happier. There’s so many lies that only someone who has struggled with that understands. It seems like it makes sense. That’s what I need so I’m going to do anything I have to, to get it. It’s just such a lie. I wasted 23 years of my life, but the rest of my life belongs to God, and my family.

I’m going to be keeping Ashley in my prayers, and I want to thank her for encouraging me. I just want to encourage her, don’t spend the next 10 years of your life like I did in that cycle. It’s a vicious cycle. You end up lying to everybody just to get your fix.

However, you can get it, because for me, what the doctor prescribed turned out not to be enough. I don’t know the opiates she struggled with but it’s the same demon. God’s life that He has for her is so much better, and it doesn’t have the daily struggle, and the lies. Her life is precious! She has so much more to live for. God has so much bigger and better plans for her! Please don’t go down the same path I did.

I found my relationship with God over again and it has completely changed my life. ~ Breanna

Breanna – I am a 27-year-old mother of a beautiful 4-year-old. I myself have been a heroin addict for, probably since I was 16, so right around the 10-year mark myself. I just celebrated 2 ½ years clean!

It took me going to prison and completely relocating myself out of California. I had to hit rock bottom and have my daughter.

Somewhere in all of the chaos, I found my relationship with God over again and it has completely changed my life.

Living completely sober day-to-day and being a mom, living life on my terms is hard, but it’s so worth it. It’s so worth it! I have struggles and life is hard, but when I look into my daughter’s eyes…it’s everything that keeps me going. My mom was an addict too. And so I want to give my daughter the life I never had.

I know you have a baby boy out there, and just like you said, in God’s time everything is going to happen. And I’m going to be praying for you, and for God’s favor to come over your life. I know you have 2 months clean, and I hope you turn this 2 months into 6 months, and 6 months into a year.  Living life clean and sober, being a mom is wonderful. I never thought I would have this beautiful apartment that’s mine, a vehicle outside, a job.

A Key to Addiction Recovery is Total Surrender to God

We asked for encouragement for Ashley and boy did we get it! I love what Macy, Wendy, and Brianna all said. They were so encouraging!

God’s plans are always better than our plans. And as much as drugs have a strong pull, God’s power is stronger than any drug.

Macy shared a key to addiction recovery, and that is total surrender to God. She surrendered to God and then He gave her what she needed for that day. In the Word, God says today’s problems are enough for today, so don’t worry about tomorrow. God says to you in your struggle: I’ve got you today. Rely on me and my strength to get you through.

Ashley completely changed her life around. Going to jail led to her rededicating her life to the Lord, and that in turn led to a complete life turnaround. That’s what God does for us. He takes our brokenness and makes us whole.

Does your life need a major change?

The Lord wants to do a revamp of your life and change you from the inside out. He wants to be your Savior and save you from a life of sin. Ashley rededicated her life to the Lord, meaning she made a commitment to follow after God again with all of her heart, mind and soul. She admitted she needs God. She confessed her sins. Then she thanked God for all he has done for her and asked Him to be Lord of her life. If you’ve fallen away and want to rededicate your life to the Lord or ask him to be your Lord and Savior for the first time, then pray this prayer along with me:

Dear Heavenly Father,
I’m sorry for the wrong things I’ve done. Please forgive me. I believe your Son died on the cross for my sins and rose from the dead. Jesus, come into my heart and be my Lord and Savior. I willingly give you my life. Now, Father, help me do your will. Thank you for saving me! In Jesus name I pray. Amen.
If you asked Jesus into your life for the first time or rededicated your life, I’m so excited for you! God is going to love on you, guide you, and help you!
If you have questions about all of this…please ask. You can chat with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine.com any night of the week. Access chat at TheHopeLine.com/gethelp.
We also offer lots of different types of help for addiction recovery. Find it all here. 

More Help and Resources for Substance Abuse:

Free eBook: Understanding Substance Abuse

Article: How to Help Someone Who Is Overdosing
Verses of Hope: Bible Verses About Substance Abuse
TheHopeLine Partner: Celebrate Recovery (Hurt, Pain or Addiction Recovery Program)
Need to talk to someone? Chat with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine.

One last thing,

My podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now on our Give Now page.

This is the Dawson McAllister Podcast, and until next time…Remember you are loved, you are valuable, and God has an amazing plan for your life. - Rachel

What to Know About Falling in Love

Just Friends vs. Dating

Being "just friends" with someone from the opposite sex that you can just hang out with, while avoiding all the boyfriend/girlfriend drama, can be a real blessing. I wish every teenager and young adult could experience a friendship with someone from the opposite sex with no strings attached. It's possible to have a "just friends" relationship, but so many people are looking for that perfect romantic one. That boyfriend or girlfriend that's going to sweep them off their feet and they will live happily ever after. In the meantime, they lose out on all the good times a relationship that's "just friends" could bring them.

I get tons of calls on my radio show about boyfriend/girlfriend drama and broken hearts. Sometimes, the consequences of bad dating relationships can be hard and life-changing, like unintended pregnancies, STDs, and abuse.

I find myself saying to many of these callers, "You don't need a boyfriend. You need a boy you can be “just friends” with. The same is true for guys. We think we need that special girl, but often we simply want a woman in our lives to help us understand more about the female point of view.

What I'm trying to say is having a friend of the opposite sex is a huge gift to you and can be far healthier than the drama of dating.
Today I want to look at the benefits of "Just Friends" relationships along with the challenges these relationships might face.

7 Reasons to be “Just Friends”

The comments I received about the advantages of being "just friends" fell into two primary categories.  The first four reasons point out that these relationships tend to be genuine, supportive, quality relationships that you can depend on. The next three reasons have to do with the benefits of having no "romantic" pressure.

Quality Relationships

1. You tend to respect your friends more than the people you randomly date. People who have Just Friends relationships tend to take care of their friends more than people they just randomly date.  I'm best friends with a guy named Mikey and he's awesome. We respect each other. We know that we don't want anything to ruin what we have. (Angelica)

2. "Just Friend" relationships tend to be more like brother/sister relationships. Everybody needs a brother or sister, but let's just suppose for a moment that you're a guy who doesn't have a sister or a girl who doesn't have a brother. Or perhaps you don't relate well to your brother or sister. Just Friends can help fill the gap for those who have never experienced a good brother or sister relationship.  Just Friends' is like having a brother or a sister for those who didn't have a sibling of the opposite sex. (Christy) By the way, if you have a good relationship with your brother or sister, you are truly blessed.

4. "Just Friends" often protect each other.  I have always been amazed at how real friends will protect each other no matter what. "Just Friends" may fight amongst themselves, but if someone else tries to step in against one of the friends, the other will protect his/her best friend to the end. I have noticed how best friends who are guys are extremely protective over their best friend girl. This desire to protect is not some way to control and manipulate the girl. It comes out of real love and friendship. It's a good feeling to know there is a Just Friend who's got your back. My best friend is more than a best friend, she's more like a sister. And she feels that same way. We both have each other's back now and forever. (Narda)

5. You can learn much about the opposite sex without the pressure of dating. It seems to me that many people really do not understand the opposite sex. Let's face it, men and women look at the world differently and react differently to life. That's one reason why in dating, things get so confusing. Because along with the deep emotion of young love or infatuation comes confusion and frustration. But a friend from the opposite sex can fill you in on what women/men are like. They can answer a lot of your questions about the opposite sex and save you all kinds of grief. I think it's great to have a friend of the opposite sex because sometimes the same sex won't understand some things you are going through such as if you have been in a bad breakup. A guy can see your point of view when you're talking about your ex, and it gives you an opportunity to see both sides of the story... (Megan)

6. There is no sexual pressure. In a recent survey, 61% of all teenage girls say they are pressured to have sex. Guys aren't pressured to have sex as much by girls, but some still are. Being pressured to have sex can be a very difficult experience. If you're dating somebody and really like him/her, there are all kinds of fears of losing your bf/gf. In the end, some bargain away their bodies in their attempt to keep the relationship going. That's sure a crummy way of staying in a relationship. But with "Just Friends", you don't have all that pressure. You can relax and just enjoy the friendship with no sexual strings attached. What a stress reliever that is! It's so nice to just hang with guys who are "Just Friends" and not have any sexual stuff in between. It has never been that way between any of us! (Jenn) I'm amazed at how many people pressure their dating partner to go against their value system and do something sexual the other partner doesn't want to do.

7. Just Friends are comfortable with each other with no need to impress. There is tremendous pressure on teenagers and young adults to impress other people, especially the opposite sex.  They end up not even being themselves, but instead what they think the person of the opposite sex wants them to be. It's just one big performance. Not being yourself and performing for others is extremely exhausting and never worth the effort. Just Friends helps solve that problem because with Just Friends you can be yourself and not worry about impressing. If you hang out with someone of the opposite sex, you don't have to try to impress anyone. One of my best friends is a guy, and we talk about almost everything. I don't have to prove myself, and neither does he. (Kaitlyn) 

I’m more convinced than ever that every person needs at least one "Just Friends" experience.  However, I would guess that less than 50% of people have these kinds of relationships. I believe that's because these relationships need to overcome several challenges before, they can become successful.

Four Challenges to Protecting A “Just Friends” Relationship

1. The Culture Challenge.  Think about all the movies you have seen that have to do with two people of the opposite sex. The messages we get from culture are often shallow and, in some cases, just flat out wrong. In almost every movie they meet, supposedly fall in love, have sex, get mad at each other, get back together, and live happily ever after. Almost no movie or pop song talks about two people meeting each other and becoming best friends without the sex and drama. So, after you’ve seen all these movies and listened to all the songs you begin to say, I guess that’s the only relationship I can have, a romantic relationship.

2. The Developing Feelings Challenge. It is very important when you first start a "just friends" relationship that you and your new friend clearly define what this relationship is and is not. Unless there is a very clear understanding about your friendship, there is bound to be confusion over changing emotions from friendship to romance. Having these discussions where you talk about your feelings is not easy to do, but it is the only way to clear up any confusion that could turn from romantic feelings to hurt feelings. expressed what happened when she unknowingly developed feeling for her guy friend - "Lately, one of my male friends asked my advice about getting back with his ex and I told him it was a terrible idea, but he went ahead anyway, and it hurts really badly. I asked myself why?  Then I realized that it was because I had feelings for him that I wasn’t ready to admit. Nikki is very wise. She is in touch with her emotions and hopefully has already talked to her best friend about these issues. Even though she has feelings for her friend, there’s a good chance the relationship will last.

3. The Sexual Tension Challenge. It is very easy for sexual tension to enter a "just friends" relationship. This is because as you get closer to someone, it’s easy to become more affectionate. So there ends up being more hugs, kisses, and touching than what is appropriate. When this happens, there is tremendous confusion and tension in the relationship.

4. The Challenge of Being Misunderstood By Others. A final challenge to a "just friends" relationship is other people misunderstanding your friendship.  It seems like everybody who sees two people from the opposite sex together hanging out must have a romantic relationship, and so they will make suggestive comments and tease you about your relationship. This puts pressure on both of you. Just remember when people make comments about your "just friends" relationships, they just don't understand the good thing you have going.

I want to challenge you to have a "just friends" relationship. Yes, they are challenging and you must show respect and discipline in them, but the advantages far outweigh the difficulties.

Ground Rules for a "Just Friend" Relationship

Allow me to list a few rules you need to follow to help protect your relationship.

1. Have a conversation with your friend setting the boundaries for the friendship in the beginning.
2. Never give into physical attraction you may feel, as there may be no point of return and the friendship is ruined forever.
3. If you know your friend likes you, never taken advantage of those feelings for your own benefit.
4. Remember your friend of the opposite sex will have differing perspectives. Respect your friend for their different opinions.

Read more about how to make and keep friends and what to do if a friend is mad at you,

Dating can be tricky. There’s a lot to navigate. If you are blessed to have a good guy friend, but now you think you may want to date him…how do you go about that? Or there’s a guy you really like, but you’re not sure he knows you exist…how do you get his attention?

Let’s take a look at these questions and more.

When Should I Date Someone?

When To Move Beyond Just Friends?

Is it possible you are falling in love with your best friend? When did it suddenly become a romance? Are you worried about ruing the friendship?

Jessica asked: I really like this guy and he really likes me. We keep telling each other we love one another, and we would like to go out, but we don’t want to mess up our friendship if anything goes wrong in the relationship. What should I do?

You are in a really great place with your friend. Most people should be so fortunate. But it sounds like you’re wondering what might be next for your relationship, or what it might look like to take things to the next level.

Communication is Key to Moving Beyond Friends

The first thing you should do is talk about what it would mean for you to start dating each other. Does dating mean you’re going to start spending more time together? Are you committing to being exclusive with each other?

You might have entirely different ideas about what a dating relationship would look like. Understanding each other’s expectations at the beginning will help.

By exclusive dating you are telling each other I’m yours, and that can be a really good step, but don’t fall into the trap that thinks dating and being exclusive is mainly about being physical with each other. Almost all heavily sexual dating relationships self-destruct. You should discuss up front what boundaries are important to you.

Keep Having Fun

Also, don’t forget to keep having fun. Sometimes when you start dating the relationship can feel heavy and serious. This is all the more reason to remind yourself of how much you enjoy just being with each other.

Make a pact with each other that if at any time one of you feels uncomfortable, you will talk about it, and make adjustments to fix what is causing the discomfort.
Take your time with all this, and experience all the good things already present in the relationship. Don’t worry about trying to stir up more feelings by calling it a dating relationship. Be happy with the great thing the two of you already have.

How to move beyond just friends?

Are you tired of every guy in your life wanting to be “just friends”? This is how Ginger was feeling when she submitted her question.

Ginger asked: Whenever I find a guy, I’m interested in I start talking to him in a friendship kind of way, but that’s all it turns into, friendship. Any advice?

Sounds like you’re great at making friends with people of the opposite sex, Ginger. This is a fantastic skill many people don’t develop. Having great friends is priceless. But I understand that you’re looking for something more than another friend.

Consider How You Present Yourself

The reality is that not everyone you’re attracted to is going to be attracted to you as more than a friend. You can’t control who is attracted to you, but you can control how you present yourself.

Guys are attracted to girls that take care of themselves, who are confident, and who treat others with respect.

It is also important to have a life outside of your desire to be in a relationship. Have a little bit of mystery about you. Guys like a challenge, and they like a girl with other interests. Sometimes a girl can put so much energy into trying to show a guy how much she likes him that she appears to not have much of a life outside of this pursuit. Flirting is O.K. Desperation is a turn-off.

My advice is to go live life to the fullest! This will make you even more attractive.

What do Guys Look for First?

Guys and girls are the same in this way…they both want to know what the other is looking for.

Miranda asked: What exactly do boys think about and look for when they FIRST meet you? I wonder all the time, and I try to read their faces – but what really goes on in their heads?

I feel I must answer this honestly and the truth is most guys look first to see how attractive the girl is to him. (Remember beauty is in the eye of the beholder!). They are also interested to see if there is some kind of chemistry between them. This is the case nine times out of ten. Most guys are very visual and for whatever reason, quickly sum up the impression they have received from the girl in a matter of seconds.

After that, most guys try to figure out what kind of person you are. For example: Are you kind? Are you confident? Do you have a sense of humor? Are you shy? Arrogant? Can you carry on a good conversation? Do you have anything in common? Do you show any signs of being interested in them? Remember, most guys make quick observations about these things. In the end, it is these characteristics that will get a guy to stick around.

Be Comfortable in Your Skin

I’m guessing behind your question is an even more practical one: How do I get guys to notice me? My number one tip is to be comfortable in your own skin. You should like yourself.  It is also incredibly attractive when a girl takes more of an interest in other people than in herself and makes those around her feel good about themselves. Being attractive, doesn’t necessarily mean “hot” or gorgeous.

If guys aren’t noticing you as much as you’d like, it could be you’re not portraying who you really are. More times than not, it is how you feel about yourself that determines how attractive you really are. Not every guy is going to think you’re the hottest, most beautiful woman in the world. Who cares! What matters is you are who you are, and that you’re becoming more loving every day. In the end, that will attract the kind of guy you need to be with anyway.

For more dating advice for girls read: How to know if he’s just not that into you and much more.

The Pain is Still Haunting Me

Janely shares her story: “When I was 16, I was raped, and I kept it a secret from everybody. My anger and by the way I kept bottling up everything, my mom figured it out. To this day, I feel a lot of hatred toward myself and a lot of guilt. I hate who I am. I hate everything about myself. I felt like I could have changed something if I had something. But I was hanging out with a friend and shouldn’t have even been there. I can’t help but be upset and angry. It’s been a long time and I thought I came to peace with it, and it still haunts me to this day. I don’t know how to treat it. I don’t know how to get rid of it. It’s just there, haunting me.”

It’s Time for a Breakthrough

Janely needs a breakthrough and I believe she can get one today. I have a verse for her, “The LORD your God is among you; He is mighty to save. He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quiet you with His love; He will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17 That’s what she needs, God to quiet her with His love.

Peer to Peer: Talking About It Helps to Release Emotions

Janely has been stuffing and bottling her pain for so long, but now, by talking about what happened she’s beginning to release some of those deep emotions. Even though it’s extremely painful, sharing what happened to her and how she feels is the start of her healing. This is the beginning of a breakthrough. We asked for people with advice and encouragement for Janely to call in. She received compassionate and uplifting messages from some amazing people who sympathized with Janely’s heartache. We first heard from Caleb; whose wife was raped.

My Wife and I Both Have Forgiven Her Abusers ~ Caleb

Caleb – Right now it must be very painful. My wife was abused by her father for many years; as well as she was raped when she was 14 years old. What you’re feeling right now is something that is indescribably painful, especially if you keep it bundled up. My wife denied the rape as well. It’s something that helps us keep the pain down. Now, that it’s coming out in the open, the best thing you can do right now is go to God. She’s completely healed now. She’s forgiven the rapist and her dad, and so have I.

How Did She Get to Where She Could Forgive Like That?

First, you have to accept it. Then you have to let the emotion out. You have to let it out some way, whatever that is to you…yelling, hitting something, whatever it is, it’s inside your heart and needs to come out. And then God can heal. But if it stays bottled up, then it will never be healed.

The More You Talk About it, The Better You Feel ~ Jermaine

Jermaine – I want to congratulate you for coming forward, that’s the first step towards the healing. Talk about it – the more you talk about it to people you can trust, and get it out there, will make you feel a whole lot better. My wife was raped by her uncles, and her mother knew about it. It tore her life apart. I asked her one day, “How did you manage to get over it?” She said, “Jermaine, I prayed to God every night, and asked God to give me the strength and the ability to forgive.” When you truly fall in love with Jesus Christ, you won’t forget it, but He’s the only one that can do this. It doesn’t matter how many books you read, no matter what you do, you have to allow God to do the work He’s trying to do within you, to allow the hurt to be removed. I’m praying for you, Janely, and I love you.

There are Beautiful Men Out There ~ Maria

Maria – First of all, I want to thank the two beautiful men that called in. Because I was expecting women to call in, to have a heart for another woman, but two men calling in, you realize there are beautiful men out there. Not every man wants to hurt a woman. After hearing them, I almost feel like my word is ignorant. My word was, they can take your body, but they can’t take your heart and soul and mind, and what’s in your mind. You have to control what is in your mind from this point forward. But those two beautiful men brought it to God and their wives brought it to God. I’m ignorant on the subject, but my heart broke for you, that you are still feeling so hurt, that’s why I wanted to call in.

I hope you meet a Godly man, and he brings you the happiness you deserve and brings your mind away from not loving yourself.

You Are Move Loved Than You’ll Ever Know ~ Evan

Evan – No matter what you think, the Lord will never forsake you or leave you. You don’t know how much you are loved. You are more loved than you’ll ever know. If the Lord can forgive you for holding back the truth from her family and friends then you can forgive yourself too.

“And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” Ephesians 3:17-19

That was More Powerful Than I Thought It Would Be ~ Janely

Janely: That was more powerful than I thought it would be.

Dawson: Did you know Jesus was sexually violated?

Janely: I didn’t know that.

Dawson: Let me explain it to you.
When he was on the cross, he was stripped naked. They mocked him (Psalm 22). They made fun of him in violent ways. There he was being sexually abused and being totally abused. He completely understands and wants to heal you. We are work on our healing. I promise you this God who loves you, has a man for you in His time.

Did Today’s Episode Get You Thinking?

Jesus said, pray for your enemies, pray for those who persecute you. You can’t pray for someone every day without having a changed attitude towards them. God does that transformation. Other than that, you will forever be a slave to the abuse you’ve suffered.

If you’ve been raped or experienced sexual violence and want to share how you got through it, please leave your message for Janely in the comments below!

More Help and Resources for Sexual Assault:

• Resource: If you’ve been raped or are the victim of sexual violence or assault, contact: RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network). The nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization.
• Free eBook: Understanding Sexual Abuse
  Verses of Hope: Bible Verses for Sexual Assault Victims and Survivors
  

Need to talk to someone? Chat Live with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine.

One last thing,

My podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now on our Give Now page.

This is the Dawson McAllister Podcast, and until next time…Remember you are loved, you are valuable, and God has an amazing plan for your life. – Rachel

Finding Balance When Staying Aware

Between political unrest, natural disasters, and violent responses to national events, the news we watch is rarely good news these days, and that can take a toll on people, with or without a mental health diagnosis.

I got a message recently, and I appreciate this person's honesty about her struggles:
"I am really interested in current events and politics. I volunteer for many causes I believe in, and I am really passionate about making the world a better place. So, I try to stay informed. But I'm noticing the more I try to be informed, the worse my depression gets, and the more overwhelmed and anxious I feel. I think about stopping sometimes, but I don't want my friends to accuse me of not caring. Is there anything I can do to stay strong when I watch the news?"

I admire anyone who loves learning and wants to make the world a better place. But the way we take in news has changed greatly over the years. Because we can now get the news 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, along with constant commentary on that news across every social media platform, the media never gives our brains a rest. It's our responsibility to take a break to preserve our mental health, but it can be difficult to know when and how to do that. 

Here's what I've learned as I've counseled young adults working through this. I hope you find it helpful, and I am confident that caring for your mental health is always a good decision.

Feeling Weak Doesn't Make You a Failure

I understand why you might feel weakened by stronger clinical depression symptoms after watching the news. And I want to reassure you, acknowledging weakness doesn't make you a failure or a bad person, and it doesn't mean you don't care about what's going on in the world. 

Knowing your limitations is a strength. Recognizing when you feel weakened or drained means you can break that cycle more readily. That allows you to prioritize rest. When you are more rested, you often have more energy to prioritize what you want to learn, and more time to do what is most important to you. 

News Cycles Can Make Depression and Anxiety Worse

It's important to understand the power of the words we hear and the images and videos we see. As MindWise Innovations reports:
"[H]uman beings. . . are constantly seeking and receiving information. We’re part of an age where news coverage is presented in real-time, and the 24-hour news cycle allows us to stay informed to the very minute. But if the news is negative, the psychological ramifications can be serious. Watching something tragic unfold repeatedly can have an impact on your mental health."

Their behavioral health team has noticed a connection between near-constant access and exposure to the news and worsening mental health issues, including:

• Depression: Often the most tragic stories, the ones with the most death, destruction, and grieving, are the ones at the top of the news reports. Seeing this all day, or day after day, can make it harder to keep perspective or to find the hope you need to cope with clinical depression.
• Anxiety: Think of how a news report is presented. They want people to tune in, so they lead with the stories that are going to be the most attention-getting and excite the strongest reactions. That excitement can show up as worsening anxiety, fear, and uncertainty, particularly if you feel anxious regardless of what's happening in your life or the world.
• PTSD: According to that MindWise report, consuming too much news is among PTSD causes. People may develop post-traumatic stress disorder directly from the media they consume, and how much of it they consume. Because the news repeats over and over throughout the day, flashbacks and other PTSD symptoms are more likely to impact people who don't take care to limit their daily news and screen time. 

Whether a doctor has diagnosed you with a mental illness like depression, or you're wondering if you should talk to someone about your mental health, it can only help you to think about your emotions, and how your mind and body are impacted by what you see every day.

News Cycles Can Worsen Emotional Addiction

You've probably learned about how addiction works in your mind and body. Did you know you can be addicted to a feeling, even an unpleasant one? Emotional addiction happens when you get a strong chemical and physical reaction (a "high", or a "rush”), from a strong emotion, and you find yourself getting your energy from and being fueled by that feeling. People can become addicted to pleasurable feelings, but unpleasant or negative emotions can give you a rush of adrenaline, too. Some common emotional addictions center around:

• Fear: Constantly refreshing or scrolling through the news cycle with a feeling "this can only get worse", can make your brain feel addicted to being afraid. 
• Sadness: Most top stories are tragic, upsetting, and traumatic. That can worsen emotional addiction risks for someone already struggling with depression. 
• Worry and Uncertainty: Since the news only has so much information at a given point in the day, there's often a "what if" feeling fueled by worry and uncertainty. The more you refresh the news when you feel that way, the greater your risk of developing an emotional addiction.

Reminder: Self-Care Isn't Selfish

Unplugging doesn't mean you're uninformed, and it isn't selfish to stop watching the news. When you feel like you've had enough, you can step away from it for the day. 

You know your mind and body and listening to them is smart. When you can feel your heart racing, your palms sweating, or can feel yourself getting more agitated, take those cues and step away from the screens, and do something that replenishes your mind, body, or spirit.

When I'm feeling overwhelmed by the news of the day, recharging often involves turning to my faith for strength and solace. And my faith does more than change my feelings. I can give all my anxieties to God in prayer, and He will comfort me. God cares about you, and the state of the world. You can pray to Him anytime for peace, hope and encouragement.  

Other self-care practices that might help you clear your head from the news cycle include staying nourished and hydrated, doing physical activity, reading, journaling, or expressing your creativity. 

Get Support to Find Balance

Awareness of the negative impact of news on your mental health, and self-care practices to make you feel more grounded, are great first steps when managing your emotions after reading a lot of stressful and tragic news. But sometimes you need extra support, especially when the news of the day involves heightened unrest or an extraordinarily frightening event. 

Talking to a Hope Coach can help. Expressing your feelings to one of our trained mentors is a great way to plan for a greater sense of balance between staying informed, taking care of your mental health, and doing what you can to make a positive impact on the world. We're here to help and ready to listen.

Coming to terms with an uncertain future can be tough, but it is possible to gain peace of mind. Here are a few things you can try to help you find that peace of mind.

Supporting Friends Without Enabling Them 

Having a friend with addiction is tough. Their addictive behaviors cause them additional pain, because addiction does nothing to heal the pain that drives them to drink, use drugs, or harm themselves in other ways.

I recently got a message from someone whose friend is addicted, and they ask a very good question:

“I have a best friend with a drinking problem. They told me recently that they feel like it’s become an addiction. But they asked me not to tell anyone. I’m worried something bad will happen unless I get more help for them. But they asked me not to tell anyone. How do I help my friend with addiction without breaking their trust?”

I love that this person, and that you, want to be supportive of someone with addiction. That is kind and caring and shows that you understand that an addiction is an illness, not a failing that makes your friend a bad person. 

But supporting people with addiction is complicated. What we think might be supportive might actually harm their recovery efforts. Your support doesn’t mean you have to stop their addiction or make them complete their recovery. It just means you have to continue to be a true friend, as they always have been, so they know someone is there encouraging them in their recovery when things get tough. Here are some suggestions for how you can do that.

Point Them in the Right Direction

Depending on where your friend is on their addiction recovery journey, they may need help finding resources, support groups, and other things that can help them. Ask for their permission to share some resources with them. 

There are many addiction recovery support groups, with a wide range of approaches to treatment and focus areas. Hopefully knowing that there are many people who want to help them will encourage your friend to keep moving forward.

Trust Them to Do the Work

To maintain the trust of your friend in addiction recovery, you have to trust them to do the work of recovery for themselves. If they have come to you and shared that they have an addiction for which they need support, they are recognizing they have a problem. 

As much as you naturally want to keep them out of harm’s way, you aren’t able to force anyone to do things like go to support groups, avoid every tough situation, or get rid of everything that triggers their addiction. 

Respect Their Privacy

It’s important to remember that privacy is key for recovery. People need to feel safe talking about and working on recovery without unnecessary painful consequences. Addiction is still stigmatized, and people with addiction can be unfairly treated or viewed with prejudice. 

Your friend was very courageous to share about their addiction with you. It’s a sign of trust that they engage in such conversations with you, and respecting that trust includes respecting their privacy. If there is ever a time you think it might be helpful for someone else to know about their recovery needs, ask for their consent before reaching out to the person or organization you hope to connect them with.

Talk About Other Things

It’s easy to be consumed by something difficult or painful a friend is going through. You care about them. You want them to be safe, and you want them to get help. But it can be overwhelming for the person living with addiction to only talk about, and only hear about, a struggle that is already so difficult. 

Continue to be friends as you were. Talk about your shared interests, try new things together, and always affirm your friendship and love for one another. 

If you feel comfortable talking about God, you can remind them how much God loves them, and how He has plans to give them a hopeful future and help them find a greater sense of freedom. Let them know you are grateful for them, and grateful for the recovery work they’re doing.

Only your friend can do the day-to-day work of their recovery. Let them know you support them by saying things like:

• “Thank you for trusting me to know about your addiction and recovery journey. I am here to support you. Let me know what you need from me.”
• “Thanks for letting me know you need someone to talk to. I’m here if you need someone to listen.”
• “How is your recovery journey going? I’m really proud of you for doing this important work.”

Leave the door open for them to share what they need. Your offer of support is deeply caring, and those reminders will be helpful as they work on recovery.

Go to Safe Places

Sometimes you might want to do fun things with your friend to reconnect, and to be sure that your friendship includes conversations and activities that aren’t about recovery. When you make plans, be sure you’re choosing safe places they can enjoy without a relapse being triggered. For example:

• Instead of a bar, try a coffee shop
• Instead of going to the same places and neighborhoods where they partied, try spending time in nature, hiking, walking, or having a picnic.  
• If they are trying to make new friends who don’t use drugs or substances, or don’t engage in harmful behavior, introduce them to other people you care about who you know will also be caring and supportive.

Of course, you can’t prevent every struggle, or avoid every potential trigger. But making whatever effort you’re able to is a great sign of care for your friend and will help them feel a greater sense of safety.

Be Careful Not to Enable

Enabling happens when you relax your boundaries in ways that allow a person’s addictive behavior to continue. For example:

• Covering for someone when they can’t come to work or school because of their addiction.
• Giving someone money to spend on an addictive habit or behavior.
• Taking on too much responsibility, or taking on some of their responsibilities for them, instead of letting them experience consequences or difficult situations as part of their recovery.

If you start to feel like the ways your friend is asking for your support are unhealthy, are making you unhappy, are draining you, or are making you feel like you’re not being honest with them or others, it’s time to adjust your boundaries in ways that allow you to care for yourself and your needs. 

You don’t have to be a therapist or a social worker for your friend. You just have to be a friend. It might be difficult to find balance sometimes, but friendships can grow strong through a variety of challenges. If you continue trusting each other and forgiving each other, your friendship can get through the bumps in the road that come with a recovery journey. 

Get Support for Yourself

It’s very important that you don’t forget that you will need support and encouragement to be able to encourage your friend with addiction in a healthy way you feel comfortable with. There is support available if you need someone to talk to and aren’t sure where to turn. TheHopeLine offers mentoring from HopeCoaches. They’ll respect your privacy, offer encouragement, and help you plan a path forward. Talk to a HopeCoach today about your friend, your concerns, and your hopes for the future. We are here for you, and we believe things will continue to get better for you and the people you care about.

If you love someone with an addiction, one question is likely on your mind: Can I help? Here are some ways I've seen people support friends and family in recovery while maintaining healthy boundaries.