How to Pray for Peace

The world isn’t a very peaceful place. Wars seem to always be raging, environmental disasters force people to evacuate their homes, and there seems to be more political and social upheaval now than at any time in recent history.

This lack of peace around us can soon become a lack of peace within us. Praying for peace is one way we can regain a sense of calm in the face of fear and uncertainty. It can also help us to become a more peaceful presence in the lives of people around us. 

But it can be hard to do! After all, it’s hard to talk about peace, or imagine peace is possible with the constant news cycle telling us otherwise. So, what do we do? How do we pray for peace in difficult times?

It comes down to preparing your mind and developing a practice of prayer. Here are some steps I’ve taken to pray for peace.

1. Find a Quiet Place to Think and Pray

You can pray anywhere, because God is everywhere. But as you are learning how to pray or reconnect with a practice of prayer, it’s helpful to find a quiet place to think about God and pray to Him. 

You might pray in your room with the door closed. You might light a candle. Or you might walk or sit outdoors in a quiet place. Wherever reminds you of God’s presence and makes you feel calmer, those are great places to pray.

2. Read and Meditate on Scriptures About Peace from God’s Word

The Bible has many verses that show us we can turn to God when we are seeking peace and ask Him for help in prayer. 
Here are a couple of verses I often turn to for encouragement:

• Philippians 4:7 - “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
• 1 Thessalonians 5:23 -  “May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.”

Before you pray, read these scriptures aloud (or any verses you find comforting that remind you of God’s peace). Read them slowly and carefully. Notice what stands out to you about God, His love, and His peace, from each verse you read. 

After you read a verse, take some time to think about it. Don’t rush into prayer or into another activity. Think about how the verses you’ve chosen are true right now, for you. You may be able to do this just by sitting quietly and thinking things through. Or it may be helpful to write your thoughts in a journal. 

3. Turn with Confidence to God

Preparing your mind and heart to pray can help you feel more focused, less anxious, and have greater confidence your prayers will be heard. If you’ve spent time thinking about Bible verses about peace, and you’ve been reminding yourself that God is a God of peace who will guard your mind and heart out of His love for you, that faith will become part of your prayer practice.

Here are some things you can remember to help you turn to God in prayer with more confidence:

• Prayer is not about being perfect. It is about talking and listening to God, who loves you deeply.
• God is already with you. You can pray anytime, anywhere, and He will hear you.
• Peace is a part of who God is and how He shows His love for us. Spending time in prayer will help your sense of peace, because you are spending time with God. 

4. Pour Out Your Fears, Anxieties, Worries, and Cares to God

God cares about you and everything you are dealing with. Whether you are a new believer, have been raised to believe in God, or don’t know what you believe about God, you are loved by God. He has always been with you and known about your life, even during times when you have had no faith, or have not thought or known about Him. 

There is nothing you can say or feel that He does not understand, because He created all of us with this wealth of thoughts, feelings, and emotions. 

You can open up to God fully when you pray. It can be honest. It can be messy. You can say a lot. You can be silent. Whatever you do, God will be there. He desires to hear your prayers. And since He created you, you can be your full and honest self with Him when you pray.

5. Pray and Ask God for His peace.

Prayer can and should be a time of praise and gratitude. But prayer is also simply letting God know what we need and asking Him to help us. When it’s time to pray, if you want to pray for peace, you can ask God for it directly.

Sometimes, it’s hard to know what to say when we pray. Powerful prayers can come from Scripture. You can use some of the scriptures you looked up in your prayer. Here’s an example of a prayer to pray:

Dear Heavenly Father,
I turn to you right now. I need your peace. You are the God of Peace. You and your peace are greater than any struggle I face. Please give me comfort and peace. Take away my fears and anxiety and replace them with deep peace. Help me to stay grounded on you as my rock-solid foundation and humble myself to pray. Nothing is certain in our world except for you! Give me wisdom on how to go about my life, who I can help, and what to do. Help me to wholeheartedly trust you! In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

If you say a prayer like this each day, you will feel more connected to God, and will experience His perfect peace. If you need more support to help you in your faith journey, you can talk to a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine anytime. We are here for you, and we are ready to listen without judgment. We look forward to encouraging you and supporting you in your faith.

Do you often feel afraid and uneasy about what the future holds? Read through these 18 bible verses to help you overcome your fears through God’s Help and Hope.

Navigating Complicated Feelings About Marriage

Marriage is a complicated topic for many of us. Some people dream about getting married and make it one of their life goals. Others don't want to get married, or don't see themselves getting married in the future.

Take this message I got from a young woman recently:
"I feel like all my girlfriends are so focused on getting married, but I just don't feel the same way they do. I've dated here and there, but I've never thought marriage was a good next step with the men I’ve dated. Sometimes, my friends make me feel like I'm weird for not wanting to get married. Is that true? I love my friends, but I don't like feeling this way whenever the topic of relationships comes up."

I really felt for her when I read that. I know it's frustrating to feel differently than your friends on something, especially something important to you, when they don't seem to understand. But you are not abnormal or weird if you don't want to get married. Not everyone feels the same way about marriage and relationships. 

If you don’t want to get married, that doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you. Here are some things to think about as you talk through things with your friends. I hope this advice will help you feel more at peace with your decision and more comfortable talking about it with people in your life.

Don't Give in to Pressure

This pressure to get married is probably strongest when you're dating. Friends and family want you to be happy. And for them, that equals getting married. But if that doesn't make you feel happy or fulfilled, don't do it. Don’t move forward in a relationship if you are not comfortable doing so. Your consent and your honesty are important. You don’t have to rush things. Be clear with those boundaries toward whoever is pressuring you.

You can say things like:

• "I know you want me to be happy, and I appreciate that. Staying single is very fulfilling for me right now."
• "I'm not comfortable thinking or talking about marriage right now. Let's talk about something else."
• "I need more time to learn about myself and grow as a person before considering marriage. Thanks for understanding."

Hopefully, once you've been clear with these boundaries, your friends and loved ones will respect them. If you're in a relationship, your partner may be feeling similar pressure. You can open up to one another and figure out how best to talk about your boundaries and plans with others. It may be a good opportunity to deepen your relationship and get clear on your goals together. 

Honor Your Feelings

You may not want to get married because of struggles or painful experiences in your past. 

Here are some reasons people have given me over the years for not wanting to get married:

• My parents divorced, and it affected how I feel about marriage and long-term relationships.
• The last relationship I was in was unhealthy or abusive. I have no desire to be in another relationship right now.
• My last relationship ended with cheating. I’m not ready to let someone get close to me again. 
• I don't know what I want from a spouse or a marriage yet. I'm still trying to figure that out.

It shows a lot of maturity to be honest when you feel that you don't want to get married or aren't ready for that. It shows that you've thought about marriage and relationships, and that you're not planning on rushing into either. And it shows that you are putting your well-being first, before making big changes in your life, like getting involved in a long-term relationship. 

Honoring those feelings and further exploring them is a way to find growth and healing. It can help you find greater peace and can strengthen future friendships and relationships.

Again, there's no need to rush through these feelings. They're complicated, and involve layers of your life, your character, and your relationships. It's good, appropriate, and normal to give yourself time to get to the bottom of these feelings, especially if there are painful feelings you need to let go of and heal from.

Work on Friendships

Marriage brings people great joy for many reasons. But it sometimes shifts your priorities and your focus away from others and toward your partner and the plans you're making together, which takes significant time and energy. That leaves some couples feeling like they don't get to spend as much time with friends. 

On the other hand, many people I've talked with who decided to remain single have told me that doing so opened the door for them to work on friendships and make new friends. When you feel pressured by people in your life, or by the messaging you get from movies, TV, and the internet, to get married, you can shift your focus away from that. Instead, focus time and energy on friendships:

• Think of a friend you haven't seen or talked to in a while. Send them a note, or schedule a video call.
• Do you have a friend who's been feeling lonely? Schedule some quality time with them.
• Have you been wanting to make new friends? Think about where you might go to meet new people that share your interests, and plan to visit one of those places.

Bringing new friends into your life, or rekindling old friendships, can be so fulfilling. And filling your time with meaningful friendships means you don't have as much time to dwell on others' pressuring you to get married, or any social pressure you feel to do so. 

Get to Know Yourself

Not being in a relationship, and not planning for marriage, gives you ample time to get to know yourself. 

• Explore your interests on a deeper level
• Try a new hobby or craft
• Think about your purpose in life, and what you hope to do to realize it
• Dig deeper into questions you have about life and the world

Time alone can be so enriching and rewarding. You can learn so much about yourself and the way you see the world. And you can build a greater sense of confidence in who you are. When I have time to myself, it encourages me to think about how God created me unique. There is no one else like me, and there's no one else like you. If you're open to thinking about God, taking time to reflect on His creating you for a unique purpose, with gifts no one else has, can be a great source of contentment.

Keep an Open Mind

How you feel now may not always be how you feel about marriage. Keep an open mind and explore your thoughts and feelings about marriage and relationships as they change. If you're unsure how you feel, or if the pressure of others to get married is still so great that it's overwhelming, you don't have to deal with these complicated emotions alone. 

TheHopeLine offers mentoring from trained HopeCoaches who can talk through life, relationships, and your feelings about those relationships with you. 

Talk to a HopeCoach today if you're frustrated by others' pressuring you to get married, or if you're looking for ways to find greater joy in being single. We're here for you, and we're ready to listen. No pressure, and no judgment.

How to Support Your Sibling Who Self-Harms

Even though I’ve spent many years counseling people through dark times and messy life situations, it still breaks my heart to hear about people cutting themselves. Not only because it causes so much physical pain, but because it’s an attempt to release the pressure of mental and emotional anguish that never solves the problems someone is having. 

Overcoming self-harm when you decide you don’t want to do it anymore is hard enough, but when someone you care about is cutting, it’s even more difficult to deal with the surrounding fear and anxiety. I recently got this message from someone about their sibling: “I don’t think my sister knows that I’ve noticed this, but I’ve seen marks on her wrists recently. She hasn’t been her usual self for a while, but I have no idea how to bring up self-harm with her, or what I can do to help her stop cutting. She and I are very close, and I just want her to be okay. What should I say?”

If you have a sibling cutting themselves, it’s completely understandable that you are fearful or concerned about their self-harm. I know it comes from a place of love, and I hope you see how powerful and meaningful that is. I hope that these suggestions will give you some ideas about how to have this important conversation and give you a greater sense of hope for your sibling, their well-being, and your relationship.

Be Honest and Clear

If you’ve noticed signs of self-harm, you should be honest with your sibling about your care and concern for them. It’s okay to be direct. Let them know: 

• You’ve seen that they’re hurting
• You’ve seen signs of harm on their body, and you’re worried
• There is hope for them to break free from the painful cycle of self-harm
• You want to support and help them when they’re ready to get help

It may be difficult for them to hear that you know about this part of their lives. If they get upset, do your best not to take their strong reaction personally. If they are open to talking about it, make yourself available. If they are not ready yet, give them time and space. Their knowing that you’re a safe place to go when they’re ready to talk will likely help them feel more comfortable opening up when the time comes.

Don’t Judge or Shame

You might believe with all your heart that self-harm and cutting are wrong, and you might be frustrated with your sibling for harming themselves. But it’s important not to come across as judgmental, or as shaming your brother or sister for their self-harming. It’s very likely that shame and self-judgment are driving their behavior. It’s completely understandable that you’re upset. But it’s better to talk about those tough feelings with someone you can trust to support you rather than your sibling who is harming themselves.

Ask Questions and Listen to Answers

Your sibling probably already feels misunderstood by others. They may not even understand why they harm themselves. It could help to ask questions out of genuine curiosity. 

Patiently asking questions can help you be more empathetic, and it can help your sibling make connections between their self-harming behavior and the tough things going on in their life. You might ask things like:

• Why do you think you cut yourself?  
• What’s causing you emotional, mental, or spiritual pain right now?
• Do you find that you cut when you’re worried about or overwhelmed by those things?

Your role in this conversation is to listen. You don’t have to have all the answers. You don’t have to know how to stop their self-harm. You simply need to let them know you’re there, you’re listening, and that you understand that life gets overwhelming sometimes.

Trust Them and Guard Their Trust

It’s important to show your sibling you believe them. Don’t minimize their pain or make the things that lead to their cutting seem like they’re not a big deal. Trust them to tell you the truth about why they’re hurting. And be sure to guard that trust by respecting their privacy. Don’t share your conversations with your sibling with others or talk about their self-harm on social media. 

Along with showing your trust in them, let your sibling know you believe in them:

• You believe they want a life free of the pain of cutting and self-harm.
• You believe they can find the support they need.
• You believe they have the strength to stop self-harming, especially with the right support.

Don’t Try to Change Them or Make Them Stop Cutting

One of the key things to remember is that self-harm becomes an addictive behavior for most people who do it. Why?

• Since someone who self-harms gets temporary relief from doing so, it’s hard for someone who cuts themselves to stop doing it. 
• The self-harm itself doesn’t solve the problems that cause your sibling to cut themselves, so they do it as long as their emotional pain persists.

If you understand this, you can see why self-harm is an addictive cycle. There are things you can do to support your sibling as they make efforts to help them break this cycle:

• Point them toward self-harm recovery groups
• Share helpful self-harm resources with them
• Remind them they are loved and listened to 
• Spend time with them doing things you enjoy
• Offer to check in about how their recovery is going

All of these are very meaningful and powerful ways you can support a sibling who self-harms. It ultimately has to be their decision to stop, but your love and care will make a positive impact no matter what. Try to find peace in all the ways you’re already supporting your sibling. 

Keep Loving Them

There’s no doubt about it. If you’re looking for ways to help your sibling stop cutting, you love them very much. Keep loving them! It may be extra important to show sensitivity, forgiveness, and grace to your sibling during this time as they try to find a way forward in their life, and away from self-harming behavior. Reminding them someone cares may go a long way toward reminding them they’re not alone, and that there are places they can still find joy and happiness in life. 

When I have a family member who is really struggling, it helps me to think about God’s love for us. God is always forgiving, He sustains us through life, and He gives us many meaningful relationships. Your sibling is going through a tough time. I hope you find some peace and comfort in knowing that God loves you and your sibling. He is bigger than all the problems and pain you’re experiencing, and He will be there whenever you or your sibling need His power and strength. 

Make Sure You Feel Supported

Whenever I meet someone who makes big efforts to support others, I always tell them to be sure they’re supported, too. Sticking by someone while they work to recover from self-harm is tough, even if they’re a sibling. You have somewhere to go, and someone to talk to, about the tough feelings you’re having. 

You can reach out to TheHopeLine anytime for confidential chat or email mentoring so you can feel encouraged as you try to encourage your sibling. Talk to a HopeCoach today about your sibling harming themselves, your struggles to help them, and anything else that’s on your heart. We’re here to listen and help without judgment whenever you need someone in your corner.

We have a partner resource for your loved one called, Door of Hope.  They provide emotional support, guidance and resources for young adults who struggle with self-injury. You can call, text, or email a recovery coach to help them start breaking free from self-harm today!

Successful Marriage Despite Divorced Parents

I’ve counseled many people at various stages of their romantic relationships. When people are considering marriage, lots of good questions come up. People want to make it work with the person they love, especially if they’ve seen and experienced difficult relationships in the past. Take this message I got recently:

“I love my fiancé so much. We have been trying to plan for our life together, and a lot of things are going great. But there’s something that’s been making us nervous. Both my and her parents are divorced, and we’ve both read that children of divorced parents often get divorced, too. I know this sounds crazy, but is our marriage doomed to fail?”

I really appreciate the honesty of their question. And I want to answer them honestly, too. The short answer is no. People who get married after growing up with divorced parents are not doomed to fail. Of course, there’s no guarantee that any marriage will be successful. But making efforts to confront your fears, and work through your ups and downs, together, will help bolster you and prepare you both for your future together. 

If your parents’ divorce has you worried about the success of your own marriage, I understand how you feel. After all, you’ve seen “the worst-case scenario” of marriage problems play out.

But I hope to encourage you both. You can have as strong and fulfilling a marriage as people whose parents remained together. It’s going to take self-awareness and ongoing effort to do that, but I believe you can both make the efforts you need to in order to grow closer and stay happily married. Here are my suggestions for making things work and growing closer in the years to come. 

Be Open About the Past

If you’re ready to get married, you and your fiancé have likely had many close and intimate conversations about your lives, including your struggles and successes up to this point. Continuing to be open about the past is key. Here are some things you might want to talk about together:

• How your parents’ divorce affected each of you as kids, how have things changed as you’ve gotten older
• How has their divorce has affected how you handle conflict, or how much you trust people
• How you hope to grow close as a couple
• What you think makes a stronger marriage 
• Your fears and expectations of what marriage will be like

You don’t have to solve all your problems or address all your fears at once. But being aware of how tough things have affected you will give you an idea of what you can work on together.

Think of Your Marriage as an Opportunity

Rather than a threat, your parents’ divorce could be an opportunity for you and your fiancé to use what you learned watching your parents. Instead of a purely tragic or bad event, it may help to consider divorce as a lesson in what not to do in communication and relationship-building. For example:

• If your parents argued a lot, you can talk about why they fought and work on healthy anger management together.
• If your parents had a toxic dynamic, you can learn about what makes relationships toxic so that your marriage will have clear, healthy boundaries.
• If your parents had conflicts based on misunderstandings, you and your fiancé can make an effort to communicate clearly about your emotions, your concerns, and anything making you feel anxious. 

Reflecting on your parents’ divorces can also help you and your fiancé develop a healthier perspective about your parents themselves. Thinking about how painful their divorce was, and how it hurts everyone involved, may help you take a gentler approach and be more understanding of them and each other.

Give Each Other Time and Space

Marriage is a joyful thing, but it brings up a lot of emotions, and those emotions might seem complicated and unpredictable. You or your fiancé might find yourself coming face to face with tough feelings about your parents, about marriage in general, or about trusting others. 

Those struggles don’t mean that your marriage will be in trouble, especially if you’re both making efforts to communicate clearly and find support. When you have tough days, giving each other time and space is important to your healing. 

Don’t Expect Perfection

A lot of relationship and marriage conflicts happen not because of terrible events, but simply because we’re disappointed our spouse didn’t meet our needs or expectations. 

Growing up around divorce might have left you or your fiancé longing for a perfect marriage. But nobody’s perfect. And “happily ever after” isn’t a realistic goal. You can free yourselves from the burden of impossible goals and expectations. After all, the best stories, and the strongest marriages, are between people who love one another, flaws and all. 

I’ve thought about this often throughout my marriage. When I’m struggling with wishing I could have been a more perfect spouse, it encourages me to think about my faith and ground myself, and my marriage, in those larger truths.

God loves me and my wife, even with all our flaws, and He has allowed us to have a strong and happy marriage in the face of many challenges. God created you to be in loving and meaningful relationships, but He knows we are not perfect. God offers us grace when we mess up and we, in turn, should offer our spouse grace. We shouldn't hold ourselves or our spouse to the standard of perfection. It simply doesn't exist this side of heaven.

Look Forward to Something New

Your marriage is neither of your parents’ marriages, and it will not have the same outcome, the same strengths, or the same challenges theirs did. 

Your marriage is a fresh start, with completely different people. And you’re committed to making it work. You can be honest about what you need from your marriage. And you can look forward to exciting possibilities: 

• What are you looking forward to about the future?
• What do you love about each other?
• What do you hope to give your fiancé in your life together? 
• How do you plan to encourage one another day by day?
• What kind of adventures will you go on together?

Looking forward to your new life together is a great way to get a healthier, happier perspective on your marriage that isn’t colored by conflicts your parents may have had with you, or with one another.

Get Ongoing Support

Premarital counseling is a great way to prepare for marriage. You can have those hard conversations about:

• Finances
• Whether to Have Kids and How to Raise Them
• Taxes and Legal Matters
• Faith and Religion

Ideally, you’d talk about these things before getting married. But ongoing support is essential to keeping the marriage strong in the years to come. Getting ongoing counseling and mentoring will go a long way toward maintaining healthy relationships with one another, and with new friends you meet as a couple. 

Whether you’re newly married or planning for marriage, you and your spouse don’t have to answer tough questions alone. TheHopeLine offers relationship resources and mentoring for a variety of marriage questions and challenges. You can talk to a HopeCoach today about your hopes for your marriage, challenges you’re concerned about, and how to go forward together with hope and confidence. 

As you move forward in dating and relationships, it's natural to wonder if you're ready to get married. Read my blog to find out. Also, check out our partners at Focus on the Family for premarital counseling. 

Learning How to Heal After Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissism is a type of mental illness that often has damaging effects on family relationships, especially when left untreated and unaddressed. 

That’s because narcissists can develop abusive behavior patterns as an unhealthy way of trying to cope with their mental illness without proper support.

The Mayo Clinic defines it this way. A narcissistic personality disorder is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.

I got a message recently from someone with a narcissistic parent:

“I grew up with my mom constantly making me feel guilty for not doing everything she said, even when she wanted to control who I spent time with and where I went. She always had to be the center of attention, and if she wasn’t, she said cruel things to me, my dad, and my sister. I don’t really talk to her very often, but I can’t help but feel worried that her abuse is going to ruin other friendships and relationships for me and my sister. Do you think I’ll ever be able to love someone again after being raised this way by my mom?”

I really felt the pain of this person when I read their message. It is natural to wonder, if you were raised by a narcissist, how your relationships and friendships might suffer. 

While there will be some struggles you have to overcome as a result, you’re not doomed or damaged goods because you have a narcissistic parent. Everyone’s parent relationships left them with challenges to overcome, and plenty of people who grew up around narcissists have gone on to have many healthy, happy friendships and relationships.

It’s important to remind yourself, as often as you need to hear it, that the abuse you suffered from the person who raised you is not your fault. While it may impact relationships, you are not defined by it. You are still your own person, and you have the ability to heal from the pain you experienced growing up, especially as you’re building new relationships with supportive people.

Here are some steps I’ve counseled people to take to help them learn to love and trust others after growing up around narcissistic abuse.

1. Understand Your Triggers

Relationships are often complicated by a parent’s past narcissistic abuse when something your new friend or partner does causes us to “flashback” to something harmful your parent did or said. This can happen even if no harm was intended and can lead to more conflict than necessary. 

Understanding your triggers can be a helpful way to counteract this. If you know when certain feelings (such as guilt, shame, obligation, or fear) come up, let your friend or partner know. 

You won’t be able to prevent every triggering word or action. But if talking about certain topics, hearing people make certain jokes, or even being in certain places, causes you to have spirals of undue guilt or shame, telling the people you care about means you can work together to heal your relationship from the effects of poor treatment by a narcissistic parent.

2. Distinguish the New Person in Your Life from the Narcissist

Whether it’s a new friend, boyfriend, or girlfriend, this new person you’re getting to know is not the same person as your parent whose words and actions hurt you. 

They will have different reactions, different strengths, different ways of communicating and relating to you. You are not doomed to repeat the same relationship over and over. If it helps, you can think through positive differences between the two relationships that help you to learn and trust this. Every time this person:

• Says or does something kind
• Encourages you to be yourself or do something for yourself
• Celebrates one of your accomplishments
• Gives you space to make mistakes and learn from them

They are showing you ways that this relationship is different from the parent relationship that caused you pain growing up. 

3. Give Yourself Time

Trust is earned, and that’s okay and normal. Even if you aren’t raised by a narcissistic person, it takes time to learn how your new friend or new romantic partner communicates. 

Don’t beat yourself up if you have some trouble communicating here and there, or if you find yourself feeling like some things are similar to your relationship with your parents. That doesn’t mean your friendship or relationship is doomed, especially since you’re actively looking for ways to grow and heal after narcissistic abuse. 

Give yourself time and space to learn and grow, and don’t forget that the new person you’re getting to know is learning and growing with you. 

4. Ask for What You Need

The narcissistic person who raised you made you believe that asking for what you need isn’t okay, but it is! In fact, if someone you’re getting to know is ever making you feel it isn’t okay to speak to your own needs, then they’re not for you. Let people know:

• What you need from a friend or a partner
• When you need alone time or space
• How you need to be supported after a hard day or during a stressful time

The more open you’re able to be about your needs, the greater sense of connection you can have as you learn to support and be there for one another. 

5. Learn to Love Yourself

Self-love is not selfish. Truly learning to love yourself is a process that involves treating yourself with patience, kindness, and grace. Being raised by a narcissist has likely hurt your self-esteem and self-worth. But those parts of you can heal. They have not been damaged beyond repair. 

If it seems especially difficult to love yourself, try thinking about how you treat others whom you love. Then think about how you can treat yourself the way you treat your friends and loved ones. 

• When you’re discouraged, how can you be kinder to yourself?
• When you’ve made a mistake, how can you be patient with yourself?
• What can you let go of that you’ve been beating yourself up for? What is one thing you can forgive yourself for today?

My faith helps me a lot because I believe that God created me out of love to connect with others in a meaningful way. I’m not sure how you feel about God, but please know that He loves you unconditionally, and nothing that someone else tries to do to hurt you, your feelings, or your self-esteem can diminish the unique things He loves about you in any way. 

6. Get Extra Support

Narcissistic people are very skilled at manipulating others to get what they want from a relationship. Because manipulation is hard to notice until after it happens, and because people who abuse often try to convince us there’s nothing wrong, recovering from narcissistic abuse is difficult. 

You should be proud of yourself for all the efforts you’ve made to heal. But don’t feel like you have to keep going on your own steam. Some days, it will be harder to keep working on your new relationships than others. 

If you’re struggling right now to be hopeful about your new relationships, you can get help here. Talk to a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine today about what life was like growing up. Find support to heal after being raised by a narcissist and get the encouragement you need to feel more confident in new relationships. We are here for you, and we’re ready to listen and help.

Are you trapped in a cycle of emotional abuse? Listen to my podcast as I talk to three young adults dealing with emotional abuse from their parents. 

Finding Comfort and Encouragement from Scripture

No matter where you are on your faith journey, you can find encouragement in the Bible. The scriptures are full of Bible verses for everyday people, no matter what they believe, and no matter how certain they are of God and His love. 

No one has to be perfect to read the Bible, which is great, because no one is! If you're a new believer, or if you are struggling with faith in God, I hope that some of my favorite Bible verses can encourage you to remain hopeful and seek comfort. If you are open to thinking about God, I hope they reveal how loving God is, and how meaningful and valuable your life is to Him.

If You Feel Hopeless

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" - Jeremiah 29:11

Have you ever felt like you have no sense of purpose, or that you don't know what your purpose is? I have certainly gone through seasons in my life where things feel hopeless and listless. In those times, this verse is a great encouragement to me. I can do a lot to move my life forward, but I can't predict the future. This verse is a good reminder that, when we don't know where our life is going, and when things seem dark, confusing, or hopeless, we are not just drifting through life. Our lives have a purpose, and we have been created with a good purpose and a hopeful life in mind. When you think of a hopeful future, what comes to mind? Does it encourage you to know that God has hopeful and fulfilling plans for your life?

If You Want Stronger Relationships

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

We love talking and thinking about love, friendships, and relationships. This verse is so powerful to many people, no matter what their faith background, because it shows us what a loving, healthy relationship looks like. If you're working to be a more loving friend, partner, sibling, or spouse, this verse can be a good guide. 

Even if you're not sure what you believe about God, or if you're just now thinking about God for the first time, you can read this verse and know what His vision for our relationships is like: full of care, full of kindness, and full of joy. When you think of people you love, this verse can remind you of the qualities about those people that you're thankful for. When you tell someone, you love them, you can keep this verse in mind as you work to make your relationship stronger. 

If You're Seeking Peace of Mind

"The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul." - Psalm 23:1-2

No matter what you believe, you have probably heard this verse quoted during a time of sorrow or trouble. We all want to be comforted. We all want to be refreshed. When you have time to yourself, is your mind a peaceful, calming place? Or is it overshadowed by sad and sorrowful things? 

Sadness is a normal part of life, and it is normal and healthy to feel a range of emotions. But none of them have to take control to the exclusion of all other feelings. If you're open to turning your mind and heart to God on a tough day, imagine what it would be like to rest in a quiet place. This Bible verse shows us that God does that for our spirits. 

If You're Stressed

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." - 1 Peter 5:7

Anxiety is a part of life for virtually everyone. Whether you're going through a stressful time or living with a painful mental health diagnosis, it's easy to become overwhelmed by feelings of anxiety. If you find yourself unable to concentrate, to think straight, or to sleep well at night, you know how it feels to be gripped with anxiety. But how would it feel if you had somewhere to put those feelings? What would it be like if there was someone, other than you, who knew everything you were dealing with, and everything that was troubling you? This Bible verse shows us that God can take on everything that makes us anxious, and that He cares about us and wants to help us get to the other side of anxiety and feel a greater sense of calm.

If You're Grieving

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." - Matthew 5:4

If you've lost a family member, friend, or loved one you cared about, I know it can't be easy to move forward. Grieving can be hard to understand, and very complicated to work through. On some days, it can seem like grief comes out of nowhere, no matter how long it's been since the loss happened, or how much work we've done to feel calmer and more at peace. 
This verse can be helpful no matter where you are in your faith or you're thinking about God. If you're in need of comfort after a loss, I hope it helps to know that turning to God can be a source of comfort when we can't seem to find it anywhere else.

If You Need a Friend

"I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends. . ." - John 15:15

A lot of times, God can seem distant. After all, we can't talk to him the way we can talk to a friend or family member. And unfortunately, God can sometimes be presented to us in a way that makes Him seem judgmental, angry, and even cruel. How does it make you feel to read this verse?  

For me, it is so encouraging to know that I can be honest when I talk to God in prayer, in the way that I would be honest with a friend.  Does thinking of God as a friend change your view of Him? I hope it gives you a new way to think about God that is more freeing, so that you feel more comfortable turning to Him during difficult times in your life. 

It can be a hopeful thing to think of God as a friend. But we still need someone to talk to in person about if we're struggling with faith or have questions about God. You're in a safe place to do that. You can get mentoring from HopeCoaches at the HopeLine, who are trained to talk through struggles in faith and big life issues without judgment. 

Talk to a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine whenever you need someone to talk to about struggles, questions, and hopes for the future. We are here to listen, and we believe in you.

Finding hope is tough during hard times, but there are things we can all do to stay strong. Read my blog about finding hope through good times and bad.

Struggling With Shame and Guilt After Girlfriend's Abortion

Hunter dated a girl he deeply cared for. When they were both 15 years old, she got pregnant, but ended up having an abortion at the insistence of her mother. Hunter supported the abortion at first, but then didn’t want to continue through with it, but it happened, nonetheless. Currently Hunter is still carrying around the guilt and shame of that abortion.

I Tried Everything to Stop It

Hunter felt he was manipulated and pressured by a so-called friend to support his girlfriend getting an abortion, but when it came time to follow through with it, his heart broke. He says, “I realized, that’s my DNA.” But his girlfriend’s mom and Hunter’s mom had already made the grave decision. They picked his girlfriend up from school one day and said, “Let’s go do it now.” So, she went and took the abortion pill. He says, “My baby was 6 weeks and 2 days old when it was cold blood murdered. I tried everything to stop it. To this day she’s still upset about it too.” They aren’t dating anymore, but Hunter continues to carry the shame of the abortion with him.

Peer to Peer: I Feel so Much Shame, What Do I Do?

Hunter is carrying a lot of shame, but he doesn’t have to keep feeling this way and carrying around this burden. With God’s help, he can confess his mistake and accept God’s forgiveness. We had some amazing women call in to share hope with Hunter. Some of them had similar heartbreak and shame, but with God’s help, were able to release their shame to the Lord and be set free. We first heard from Tanya, who has had 2 abortions.

I’ve had 2 Abortions, Jesus Has Washed the Shame from Me – Tanya

Tanya – “I took part in aborting 2 of my children. I was a teenager as well, a little older, 19 and the next one was when I was in my twenties. It spiraled my life down for 10 years, so I don’t want that to happen to you. I got on drugs, and I was promiscuous. Don’t let this take you down that path. What I did to get healing is I read the scriptures. Everyone was telling me that I needed to forgive myself, but I never found that scripture in the Bible. I’ve never read where it says we have to forgive ourselves. I’ve only read that we have to accept the forgiveness of our Creator, our Father. When I confessed out of my mouth, my part in the abortion, Jesus Christ washed that shame from me. I may not ever forgive myself for it, Hunter. It doesn’t matter if you forgive yourself or if the whole world comes against you. The only that matter is Jesus Christ and His forgiveness for you. It trumps everything else.

When I was going through my healing process, Jesus came really close to my heart and He soaked my heart quite often, like He never has before. One of the things He told me was He, Himself was a crisis pregnancy, and that’s something we don’t really hear very often. So, I had to check in the scriptures again to make sure I wasn’t making this up in my own mind. The scholars say that Mary was about 15 years old, about your age when this happened. She had no money. She had no husband. Being pregnant with Jesus, with no husband in her culture was a crime. If that’s not a crisis, then I don’t know what is. He chose to come into this world in a crisis pregnancy to a teenage mom. Why did He do that? Because He wants to show us, He knows where we come from. He understands Hunter. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and tell you it’s going to be okay. You have a long journey, but as long you have your eyes on your Father and your Creator, the father of light. He doesn’t give anything bad. All the good gifts come from him. You can trust Him, and He will forgive you.

We All Mess Up, But God is Gracious to Cleanse Us - Andrea

Andrea – “The first thing that pops into my head is, "Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1

I lost a baby. I didn’t lose him to abortion, but I know what that pain is. The other Bible verse I want to share is, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9)

We all screw up. We all make mistakes, but God is more than gracious to wash us of our sin when we do mess up. So, don’t let the devil tell you otherwise. When you confess your sins, God cleanses you immediately.”

I was Driven to Get an Abortion Because of Fear – Mary

Mary – “I’m old enough to be your grandma. I had an abortion a long time ago. I was driven to get an abortion because of fear. I was so afraid of what my parents would think. And that I wouldn’t be able to go to school. All of these things consumed me, but in the Bible, it says God did not give us a spirit of fear but of love. God Hunter, God loves you. It took me so long to accept that fact. I knew how He felt about me, but I couldn’t accept it because I was so filled with shame. I was so ashamed of myself and what I had done. I didn’t know how I would ever get out of it, even though I knew God. I didn’t know how deep His love was for me, until finally years and years later.

You have to accept the fact that you did something wrong, and it hurt you. And you need to ask forgiveness from the Father. As soon as He forgives you, He forgets. That’s how quickly it happens. You don’t have to carry the shame with you for a long time. You made a mistake and you have a father who understands and who forgives you and loves you deeply.”

You Have to Forgive Yourself, and Everyone Involved – Bria

Bria – “A few years ago I was at a party after a friend of mine had overdosed. At that party I made some poor choices and got taken advantage of. Fast forward 5 weeks later and I found out I was pregnant with this guy’s child. It took me a while to make the decision, but I decided I was going to keep the baby. Fast forward 2 weeks later from that, it turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy.

The way to get through it is to surround yourself with a good church family and read up about forgiveness. You’ve got to forgive yourself. You have to forgive those who offended you. You have to forgive the mother. You have to forgive the ex-girlfriend. And you have to forgive yourself for even initially going along with it. Babies always have a place in heaven, so you’ll always be a father.

I had an Abortion and Carried Shame with Me for a Long Time - Charlene

Charlene – “Hi Hunter, I’m 47 years old, and when I was 17, I also had an abortion. I carried that shame for quite a while, and married an atheist, thinking that I really needed to try and have another baby. Ended up with 2 beautiful sons, however when I was 29, they both drowned. Now, I’m 47 and I have an 11-year-old. I carried shame with me for a very long time. I went towards drugs to try to hide that shame. It’s just not worth it to carry such a heavy load, when God is so loving and willing and accepting to take it. I’m thankful for all of my trials today. I’m so grateful, so unbelievably grateful to feel God’s love and forgiveness and know that it’s real. In Psalm 71:1 it says, "In you, Oh Lord, do i confidently put my trust. Let me never put to shame or confusion." 

This has Really Helped Me! - Hunter

Hunter – “I thank those 5 women for saying such amazing things. I thank each and every one of you. May God bless you. That really helped me a lot. I actually teared up a little listening to some of their stories.”

Did Today’s Episode Get You Thinking?

One thing I heard from Tanya, Mary, and Charlene is how long they carried with them the shame and emotional pain from the abortions.  If the enemy can get us tied up in our own emotional pain, then we are not able to live a life of freedom which God has enabled for us to do. The enemy would love for us to beat ourselves up, turn to false feel-goods, and never let go of the shame, but God has another plan. His plan for us to be set free from what holds us back. For Hunter, that means being set free from the bondage of shame.

And Bria was so right on when she talked about how Hunter needs to forgive himself and forgive all those who were involved in the abortion. And as Tanya pointed out, she was set free after confessing her sin and asking God for forgiveness. Hunter, confess your sin, ask for forgiveness, and then accept God’s love and forgiveness for you.

How do you think Hunter should get through this?

Have you had an abortion or been a part of a decision of someone else’s abortion? Or have you carried shame about something else around for years? If you’d be willing to share your story and what you’ve learned along the journey, we’d love to hear from you.

Please share in the comments below!
More Help and Resources:
Blog: Faith and Forgiveness, Does God Forgive Everything?
 Blog: 5 Ways to Forgive Yourself After a Failure
Blog: 6 Ways to Silence Shame
Blog: Accepting the Love of God
Free eBook: Understanding Forgiveness
Bible Verses on Forgiveness
Video: How Do I Forgive Myself?
Need to talk to someone? Chat with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine.

One last thing,

My podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now on our Give Now page.

Remember, whatever you do, Never Lose Hope!

Learning to Communicate About Emotional Abuse

Abuse is always a heartbreaking situation. No matter what the relationship, it hurts me to hear of one person trying to control or dominate another. This cycle of abuse can be especially painful if you have an emotionally abusive spouse.

Sometimes you want to help people you love, even when they hurt you. Part of you is convinced that you know they can do better and be better, and that this is not the person you fell in love with or married. But the degree to which we can help someone depends on a few important things:

• How safe we feel helping them
• Whether or not we are caring for our own needs
• Whether or not they want to seek help

There is no one right answer to how to stop toxic behavior in a marriage. Some marriages will have more potential for growth and change than others.

Rather than offering one solution, I thought I’d share my thoughts on some of the most frequent questions I get about this. I hope sharing these thoughts will help you find clarity and a path toward healing from emotional abuse.

Common Questions About Emotional Abuse

1. How Do I Tell If They’re Being Abusive or If This Is Just Marriage? 

Marriage has its ups and downs. Arguments and fights will happen. And unfortunately, you’ll both say and do things you regret that cause one another pain. But abuse is different than anger issues because:

• It is a pattern of behavior developed over time
• It encompasses all areas of your relationship and how your spouse treats you.
• It is centered around controlling you: where you go, how you spend your time and money, who you are and aren’t allowed to be around, and so on.

As I mentioned, abuse is a cycle. There is often an incident, a fight, or a confrontation that is particularly hurtful, cruel, or controlling. Then the person apologizes, often becoming very affectionate, giving gifts, and doing a lot of things you want to do. They promise it will never happen again. 

But over time, as they feel control slipping away, the cycle repeats. If you’ve noticed this cycle playing out, your spouse is showing patterns of emotional abuse.

2. How Can I Talk to Them Without Them Getting More Upset?

The abusive behavior of your spouse is never, ever your fault. Unfortunately, patterns of abuse are often so ingrained that the person who’s abusive will shut down at any sign that they are being blamed or being asked to take responsibility. 

Another thing that makes conversation difficult is that abuse is characterized by manipulation and increasing levels of control. If you have noticed that they are:

• Not responsive when you want to talk about your feelings 
• Seeming to get more agitated and unkinder whenever you bring up problems
• Threatening you after trying to talk about how you feel

It may not be possible to have a conversation with them about their abusive behavior. You cannot control how they treat you. But you do have control over yourself, and you can and should take steps to keep yourself safe. 

3. What Can I Do If Divorce Isn’t an Option?

I want to be clear about something. While I would never say that I “encourage divorce” or “support divorce” as a solution to the majority of conflicts, abuse is not a frivolous conflict or a petty argument. It’s an entire dynamic of control that one person uses over another. 

And if you feel like your efforts to work on things or talk things through with your partner are fruitless or unsafe, you are not a bad person for considering divorce or separation to protect yourself. Even if you grew up in a religious home, with a belief that God is against divorce, God’s love for you is vast and deep. He wants you to be safe, loved, and at peace. 

If you feel you must stay in your marriage, it is very important that you have a counselor or a trusted friend with whom you can check in regularly. Be honest about your safety with them and do your best to be open to changing your situation as a way of caring for yourself and protecting your safety. 

4. What If I Fear for My Physical Safety?

If you fear for your physical safety, making a safety plan should be your top priority. It’s important to make a plan with people you trust, who will not share your whereabouts with your spouse if you decide to leave. 

TheHopeLine works with many support organizations for victims of abuse that are experienced in helping people safely leave abusive environments. They can help you make a plan to leave that minimizes further risk to your safety as much as possible.

5. Should We See a Professional?

Going to a counselor is certainly something you could do for typical disagreements and misunderstandings. But since abuse is about a power struggle, and it tends to escalate when the abuser is challenged, abuse counselors do not recommend seeking counseling with your emotionally abusive spouse. 

However, it is absolutely good and appropriate for you to seek one-on-one counseling or group therapy to help you understand and heal from abuse. You can find mentoring for healing from emotional abuse here at TheHopeLine, as well as from numerous therapists and counselors who specialize in post-abuse healing and recovery.

6. What Do I Say to a Counselor?

When you do find a counselor or mentor whom you feel is a good fit for you and your situation, I recommend being as open and honest as you’re able. Simply telling them something like, “I think my marriage is emotionally abusive”, will allow them to ask you the appropriate questions to get you the help you need, and will enable them to help you plan for your safety.

Your counselor will know how to address the situation without putting your safety at risk. They will not share your feelings, fears, or concerns with your spouse.

7. How Can I Understand them and Why They Do This?

Without knowing your spouse, I can’t say exactly why they’re emotionally abusive. However, in my years as a counselor, I’ve seen some common threads when it comes to why people develop abusive behavior patterns:

• They were abused themselves and they are repeating those patterns 
• They have unhealed pain or trauma
• They have other addictive behaviors that align with their cycles of abuse

While thinking about these things may keep you from hating and dehumanizing your abusive spouse, they are no excuse for abusive behavior. 

Many people who grew up with trauma and abuse, or who live with addiction, are able to find healthy coping mechanisms and proper treatment. But it has to be something each person wants and takes responsibility for. 

8. Should I Feel Guilty for Marrying Someone Abusive?

Sometimes when relationships take a turn for the worse, it’s easy to be tempted to beat ourselves up. But the signs of abuse, especially emotional abuse, can be hard to recognize until they have escalated so much that they are apparent in your day-to-day life. 

There is no reason to feel guilty about someone else’s abusive behavior, or about not recognizing it sooner. Take every chance you can to be kind to yourself and be proud of the fact that you are standing up for yourself and seeking help and understanding in this way. 

9. I Know I Need Help. What Do I Do Next?

Recognizing you are in an emotionally abusive marriage is a scary but important first step to finding safety and getting help. If you are in an emergency, or if your life is being threatened, call 911. If this is not an emergency, you can get help right here. 

TheHopeLine’s HopeCoaches are trained to be judgment-free, compassionate listeners who will support you on your journey to freedom and healing from abuse. Talk to a HopeCoach today about your marriage, and about how you can find hope after emotional abuse. You can do this. And we can help you along the way. 

Blaming yourself for abuse is normal, but there is hope for healing after abuse. Read my blog on healing after abuse and taking it one day at a time. 

Why Substance Abuse Can Quickly Lead to Addiction

If you struggle with substance abuse, you’ve probably heard it called a “slippery slope,” but it may not be clear what that means for you, your treatment, and your recovery. 

I’m hopeful that sharing what I’ve learned through talking with many people who have substance abuse issues can help you sort through your challenges and find a supportive way forward. 

Why Substance Abuse is a Slippery Slope

Substance abuse is different from addiction, although the two are closely connected. If you’re using drugs, alcohol, or other addictive substances to self-soothe or self-medicate, it can develop into addiction quickly, even if you don’t think you will become addicted and even feel like you’re making an effort not to. 

That’s because there are a number of other factors that influence addiction, beyond personal commitments or preferences. Here’s what I’ve learned:

• The sooner you start using a drug or addictive substance, the more likely an addiction will develop. 
• If you have access to drugs for a longer period of time, they will be easier to use, and you’ll be more likely to use them more frequently.
• The stronger or “harder” a drug is, the more likely a dangerous addiction will develop more quickly, and it will be more difficult to break free from. 
• If you have existing mental health issues, you are more prone to developing an addiction to drugs, alcohol, or other unhealthy substances, especially if you are already using them to self-soothe.
• Childhood trauma, including a family history of addiction, could definitely play a role in shifting a substance abuse issue into addiction.
• Because body makeup and genetics can play a role, it’s very risky to use any drugs or addictive substances casually, since how and when it becomes addictive can be very unpredictable.
• Drug and substance use itself can make avoiding addiction difficult, since using drugs and alcohol impairs judgment and perception.

(Adopted from DARA Thailand)
If any of these factors are part of your life, it’s important to get help with substance use and abuse before it becomes an addiction. 

There is Hope for People with Substance Abuse

I know it can be intimidating and scary to think about your substance abuse struggles as an addiction. But no matter where you are in your experience with drugs or other harmful substances, there are people who can help, and there’s hope for your healing and recovery.

It’s important to remember that God loves us unconditionally, no matter what we struggle with, and He will forgive and strengthen you as you make an effort to grow and heal. 

There are lots of dedicated organizations that help people with substance abuse, and they have a variety of expertise and unique experience to help bolster you for the recovery journey.

And you have our support, too. TheHopeLine has lots of free resources, like ebooks, podcasts, and radio shows, that have helped many people work through substance abuse and break free from addictive behaviors. 

If you need one-on-one support, our HopeCoaches can offer mentoring to support you without judgment. If you’re ready to get help, talk to a HopeCoach today. We are here to listen, and we believe you will find hope and healing. 

Recovering from addiction will not be an identical journey for everyone. No matter your unique story, here are a few "first steps" to recovery that are likely to help you feel more confident breaking free from addiction.