Posts by Dawson McAllister

How to Have Good Relationships After Childhood Abandonment

You Can Find Peace and Make Connections

Childhood abandonment can happen in many ways. You might have felt abandoned as a child if any of these things happened when you were younger:

  • One parent moving out during a separation or divorce
  • Losing a parent or someone else you were very close to as a child
  • Experiencing physical, emotional, or sexual abuse during childhood
  • Having a parent in the military who was deployed
  • Watching your parents work long hours, or frequently be away from home for work reasons

This isn’t an exhaustive list, of course. Feeling abandoned can happen to all of us for different reasons, and at different times throughout our lives. But when difficult things happen to us as children, the effects can last into our adulthood. 

I’m hopeful that sharing these suggestions for how to have good relationships after childhood abandonment will give you ideas for how to find meaningful connection with others at this important time of your life.

Know the Abandonment was Not Your Fault When we are children, our brains are trying to connect the dots. Unfortunately, this can lead to misunderstandings that harm our self-esteem and affect our self-worth. 

If you felt abandoned by a parent or caregiver as a child, you may have thought it was your fault, or that there was something you could have done to prevent it from happening. 

I want to reassure you that you did not cause the abandonment you experienced. All the choices that ended with you feeling abandoned were made by the adults around you. Nothing about what happened to you as a child means you were or are a bad person or damaged goods. 

Sometimes people are not there to express love as much as we’d like. Or they do a poor job expressing love. Or they have a toxic or distorted way of expressing their feelings. All those things are related to their choices and their behavior. Not anything you did.

You have always been and will always be worthy of love, acceptance, and connection, regardless of others’ choices. You have the ability to make connections with others in spite of the difficult things you had to deal with as a child. People with abandonment issues can and do have many meaningful, rich relationships throughout the rest of their lives. And you can absolutely strengthen your sense of connection with others regardless of what’s happened in your past.

Recognize How Abandonment Impacts Relationships

The impact of childhood abandonment on your adult relationships goes beyond how you feel about yourself. It can affect how you feel about others, and how you relate to them. Sometimes, it may cause challenges and conflicts in your friendships and relationships. 
Through years of counseling young adults, here are a few of the most common ways I’ve noticed early abandonment issues affect later relationships:

  • Fear of Further Abandonment: You may feel constantly worried about whether your friend, your partner, or another family member will leave you or leave your relationship. 
  • Problems with Trust: That fear can lead to struggles trusting people, whether it's trusting people with your feelings, or trusting that they will be there for you.
  • “All or Nothing” Attitude: With relationships in general, people who experience abandonment might either feel the need to cling to anyone close to them, or they may be very detached in their friendships and relationships. It can sometimes be hard to find the middle ground. 
  • Desire to Control: You may feel a constant tension in your relationships because you want things to turn out for the best. You may try to influence your friends or people you’re dating to make certain choices, because you don’t want this relationship to suffer like past relationships. But this need to be in control is likely part of what’s putting strain on your friendships and relationships in the first place.

It may be hard to fully know or understand how abandonment has impacted your life, and that’s okay. We often have to learn these things with the help of a counselor or mentor to talk us through it. But any patterns you can recognize will help you know what to work on to make your friendships and relationships stronger. 

Remind Yourself: These Relationships are Different

One of the best things you can do as you work through abandonment issues in new relationships is to gently remind yourself of an important truth. This new relationship, whether it’s a new friend, a new partner, or another family member who wants to connect with you, is not a relationship with the person who abandoned you. 

You are in a relationship with a different person who will make different choices, which will have a different outcome. And you aren’t the same person, either. 

You are older and wiser, and you are making efforts to strengthen your friendships and relationships every day. It will take time to believe and trust these things about yourself and others, but that’s okay. Every effort you make to remind yourself of these truths in your relationships will be helpful in the long run. And perfection is not required for your relationships to grow. 

Don’t Expect Everything from One Person: When someone makes us feel abandoned, we often have a sense of them leaving a huge hole in our lives and hearts. When someone plays such a central role in your life, it is natural to grieve that loss. But it’s important to remember that, as you work on new friendships and relationships, no one person can be everything to us. No single relationship with another person is going to make us feel perfectly whole or complete. That doesn’t mean something is wrong. It's simply because we’re all human, and as meaningful as human relationships are, they can only do so much for us.

When I am longing for something more from life or relationships, I have to stop and remember that people can meet some of my needs, but not all of them. And I have some wonderful friends, but none of them are able to be there for me 24/7/365.

In those moments, I turn to my faith. I remember that God is always there, and He has an infinite capacity to listen, to love, and to fulfill me. If you’re open to thinking about God, I hope it helps you to know that God will never, ever abandon you. There is nothing you can do to be beyond His care or unworthy of His love. You were created out of love, and you can find a deep sense of connection with God that can sustain you during the ups and downs of life and relationships. 

Get Help Building New Relationships

Working through abandonment issues takes time, effort, and patience with yourself. It’s great to read about what to do, and to try your best to build trust and connection with others. But issues this complicated often need outside guidance, mentoring, and support. If you aren’t sure who to talk to, or don’t feel comfortable talking to friends and family about your feelings of abandonment, you aren’t alone. You can talk to a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine

Reach out to us anytime to talk about how childhood abandonment makes you feel, about your hopes for your relationships, and about how you’d like to grow. We’ll support you on your journey toward healing and connection. We’re here for you and ready to listen.

Have relationship challenges left you feeling isolated and frustrated? Find out the secret behind a healthy relationship for more advice.

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Suffering from Emotional Abuse: Know the Signs

What is Emotional Abuse?

One of the most challenging things about suffering from emotional abuse is that it’s not always apparent that abusive behavior is happening. Both the person in the relationship with an abuser and their friends and family have a hard time spotting emotional abuse and disrupting its cycle.

Knowing some of the most common signs can help you identify whether you’re in an abusive relationship and make a plan to leave that harmful environment. It can also help with emotional abuse prevention to educate yourself about abusive behaviors, and how to cultivate healthy boundaries that meet your emotional needs.

Isolation

In the early stages of an emotionally abusive relationship, the person may make you feel like you are the center of their world. They may want to spend all their time with you and may give you intense attention and affection.

This creates a sense of excitement and dependence and makes it easier to isolate you from friends and family. Notice how someone reacts to you wanting to spend time with others or be alone. If they are resistant, that is a red flag and could signal further emotionally abusive behavior.

Control

Control is a hallmark of every type of abuse. The difference in whether the abuse is physical or emotional comes in how a person with abusive behaviors exerts control in an attempt to keep you from leaving the relationship. If someone is physically dominant, their victims are physically abused. With emotional abuse, someone uses strong emotions to manipulate you into doing what they say, or staying with them, even if you want to leave. This could include lying, manipulation, and misrepresenting what you say and do to make them look like the victim. Stay alert. If someone is constantly downplaying, dismissing, or contradicting your emotions, it’s time to get support to leave the relationship.

Cruelty

Emotional abuse goes beyond the occasional argument or misunderstanding. An emotionally abusive person has deliberated patterns of cruelty. This could include derogatory comments about you, your appearance, your other close relationships, or your identity (like racism, sexism, or other bigoted attitudes).

If someone is using cruelty and name-calling to belittle you and silence you, whether it’s when you’re alone or with others, it’s time to distance yourself from this person and their emotionally abusive behavior. Don’t wait for continued cycling of harm, making up, and repeated harm. Support and help are available right now from people who are trained to help.

Denial

I’ve counseled a lot of people recovering from abuse over the years. One of the hardest parts to overcome is the sense of denial. They don’t want to believe that someone they care about is deliberately hurting them, so they often try to convince themselves it’s not so bad. And the person who has abused them also makes a lot of attempts to smooth things over or minimize them. 

I want you to know, if you are in an emotionally abusive situation, your feelings are valid. You were created with meaning and purpose. You are loved by God and many people in your life. If you have any thoughts, you might be victimized by emotional abuse, there are always people willing to listen and help. 

If you’re not sure where to start, this is a safe place. Talk to a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine to share how you feel and start your journey to healing after emotional abuse. We can give you encouragement and connect you with organizations that specialize in offering support for emotional abuse recovery. We are here for you. You matter. And you don’t have to go through this alone.

Want to examine your relationship more? Read my blog, 8 Signs Your Dating Relationship Is Unhealthy.

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5 Ways to Forgive Yourself After a Failure

Finding Peace After Mistakes

Failures never feel great, but do you ever feel like you’re in a tailspin after a failure? Maybe you struggle with feeling like you hate yourself for whatever you did wrong, like the person who sent me this message recently:

“I really messed up in some of my relationships recently, and I hate myself for it. My girlfriend is a wonderful person, but we seem to bump heads a lot lately, and I’m overreacting towards my family members, too. My friends have noticed how my mistakes have affected me, and it seems like they’ve started distancing themselves. I really want to make things better in my life, but I don’t know where to start when my mistakes are overwhelming me. 

I’m really sorry if your failures, mistakes, or shortcomings have left you feeling such pain. I know it is not easy to come to terms with the fact that we’ve failed, especially if that failure happened in a relationship or friendship. There’s something about knowing we’ve let someone down that feels particularly hard to bounce back from, especially if they’re someone very close to us. 

But I also know that we can recover from failures, and so can our close relationships. I hope these suggestions help you open your mind to the possibility of things getting better so you can start finding the healing your heart needs.  

1. Turn “I Messed Up” Into “I Can Do Better”

It’s natural to feel frustrated and upset about our mistakes but think about why you’re so upset. Do you realize, deep down, that you can do better? 

If so, that’s a powerful truth that can help you move forward. Instead of getting stuck in an endless loop of guilt and shame with questions like “why on earth did I do that?”, or “what was I thinking?”, try asking yourself new questions that help you dig deeper:

  • What will my friendship or relationships look like if I do things differently next time?
  • Is there anything I can learn about how to be a better friend from this situation?
  • What have others learned from making similar mistakes?
  • How can I avoid making the same mistakes again?

2. Remember: No One is Perfect

One of the reasons we can feel so down on ourselves when we make mistakes is that it can sometimes seem like no one messes up as badly as we have. But let me reassure you: everyone makes mistakes. Every human messes up. That lack of perfection is one of the things that makes us human. And while that can seem discouraging on the surface, there are ways to think about it that might help you forgive yourself:

Everyone you know has made mistakes, including people you greatly admire. Yet, you’ve also seen those same people do many kind and wonderful things. Their mistakes and failures don’t define them or run their lives. You are so much more than your mistakes. Your strengths and your uniqueness don’t go away when you make mistakes, and plenty of people in your life will still be able to see that.

3. Don’t Forget the Good

There is good in every “mistake” if you learn from it. To find it, we often have to do some digging. But it’s very worthwhile. Because when you understand why you haven’t been able to forgive yourself up to this point, you can make a plan for finding a way through it to the other side. I may not know you personally, but I can make suggestions based on some of the most common reasons people struggle to forgive themselves:

  • Did you not try your best and you’re kicking yourself for missing a chance? Giving it your all-next time will very likely give you a way forward.
  • Did you try your best? If so, you don’t have to kick yourself. You can acknowledge your frustration, and let your energy fuel you towards growing even more.

It’s not wrong to be angry about mistakes. But it’s not sustainable to feel that way, and only that way, without any growth or forward movement.

  • Will you be upset about this in 5-10 years? Even a year from now? If not, then why waste the energy today? It’s acceptable to take the time to understand your anger or guilt, but keep in mind it’s important for your mental health and relationship with yourself to move on after acknowledging that next time, it will be different. 
  • Are there deeper reasons you’re upset? Is a parent or friend more disappointed than you are in yourself even after you tried your best? If so, they are the only ones responsible for those feelings and that is not a reflection on you.

You can’t change the person you disappointed. And you can’t rush their healing. But if you focus your energy and time on your healing and growth, the relationships and friendships you’re in will still grow, get stronger, and go deeper.

4. Be a Friend to Yourself

I think a “silver lining” to the frustration we feel with ourselves after making a mistake can be chalked up to the fact that we hold ourselves to very high standards. And wanting to do your best, and to always do right by other people, is certainly a good thing.

But there comes a point when we are so overly focused on doing better and being better that we start beating ourselves up. 
In those moments, it can really help to be a friend to yourself. In other words, show care for yourself by holding yourself to the kind, generous standards you hold people you care about:

  • Are you holding yourself to higher standards than you would a friend in a similar situation who may have made similar mistakes?
  • If you had a very close friend or family member who couldn’t seem to forgive themselves for a mistake, what would you say? How would you be kind and gentle with them? How might you show that same kindness and gentleness to yourself in this situation?

Being a friend to yourself starts simply, but it makes a big difference. You can start by reminding yourself how you’ve bounced back from mistakes and upsets in the past. Giving yourself reminders of what you’ve overcome in the past might help your current struggles feel more manageable. 

5. Turn to Your Encouragers

When I’m feeling down after a failure, I turn to the encouragers in my life. There are people who always make me feel like I can be better, and that things can get better. Of course, just because someone is a family member doesn’t mean they are always encouraging, or that they have to be the person you go to after a tough upset. 
If you’re trying to decide who to go to for encouragement, ask yourself: 

  • Have I gone to this person before during a hard time? Did they lift my spirits?
  • Can I trust this person to be caring and considerate?
  • Will this person say helpful things? Will they give me practical suggestions for how to get out of a funk?

Sometimes, it’s hard to know who to turn to because you feel self-conscious about the mistakes you’ve made. In those moments, if you’re open to thinking about God, I hope it helps to remember that He always forgives us. He sees us as a whole person with strength and potential. 

If you’re still struggling after a recent failure and not sure who to talk to, this is a safe place to start. Talk to a HopeCoach today about what’s getting you down and steps you can take to recover from mistakes. 

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5 Things You Can Do to Feel Better About Yourself in 10 Minutes or Less!

Turn Things Around by Changing Your Mindset

Struggling with self-esteem can be hard, especially if you’ve been feeling like it derails your day, distracts you from what you need to do, or keeps you from fully enjoying your life.

Have you had intrusive thoughts like these?

  • “I’m not good enough for my job.”
  • “I’m not smart enough to get that degree.”
  • “People don’t really care about me. They’re just pretending.”
  • “I’ll never be able to make my dating life work: I keep messing up the same ways over and over.”

On my radio show, I’ve talked to people that have had some of these same thoughts. Thoughts that they were not good enough. It’s completely normal.

What can make this especially frustrating is that these thoughts never come at a convenient time when we feel ready to face them and work on them. They often seem to come out of left field, when you’re in the middle of doing something fun or important that you’d rather focus on.

So, what can you do in the moment? There are little decisions you can make, and small ways you can shift your mindset to free yourself from some of the burden of low self-esteem. While it only takes a moment sometimes for our spirits to lift, it takes regular, daily practice of these healthy habits to make better self-esteem more natural.

Be patient with yourself as you practice these things. I’ve seen people grow so much over the years by committing to doing simple things every day, and I have no doubt you can turn your mindset toward hope.

Look at Challenges You've Overcome

You’ve been through a lot. And it hasn’t always been easy, but you’ve made it this far! When your self-esteem feels low, think about the challenges you’ve been through not just as things that have happened to you, but as things you’ve overcome with your strength, your resilience, and your determination. That makes you a pretty impressive person.

It gives me hope to remember that being strong does not mean never struggling, and courage doesn’t mean never being afraid. You’ve shown strength by pressing on even when it’s not easy, and courage by pushing through difficult things when you’ve felt afraid.

  • What are you proud of yourself for overcoming in your life?
  • How has what you’ve been through made you a stronger, more resilient person?
  • What would you tell someone you care about who is going through similar challenges to those you’ve faced in the past?

Use Your Talents to Serve Others

Thinking about your talents can help you turn your mindset around in the moment and think more positively. If you’re not sure where to start, think through questions like:

  • What are you good at?
  • What comes naturally to you?
  • If you’re not happy with your current job, what could you see yourself doing?
  • What would you do if you had abundant free time to do so?

Does it make you feel better to think of your strengths, and to remember the things you’ve accomplished? Even if you can’t do what you do best or love most for a living, there are still ways you can build it into your life.

One of the most powerful ways to do this is by helping others. Not only will it make you feel better to do what you enjoy, but you’ll be able to see how much of an impact that has on others. You can volunteer at an organization that means a lot to you, or that ties in with your skills and talents:

  • If you love animals, you can help out at an animal shelter
  • If you are a good cook, you can cook meals for a program that feeds the homeless
  • If you are a good writer, you can write blogs or newsletters for a nonprofit you care about

These are just a few ideas, but there are lots of possibilities out there!

Surround Yourself with People Who Make You Feel Good

If you’ve had some ups and downs or have been in some relationships that felt toxic, it can be hard for your self-esteem to recover.
You can bounce back bit by bit by surrounding yourself with people who encourage you and affirm the best things about you. But how do you do that when you can’t be with your favorite people in person?

  • Keep cards or notes from friends and family somewhere you can see them so they can boost your mood when you’re having a bad day.
  • Text or call someone who loves you when you’re feeling down to ask them for a pep talk.
  • Set up regular video calls with friends and family who live far away, so you can have the joy of seeing them face-to-face, even if you can’t be in the same room.

Embrace What Others Love About You

The more you make it a point to surround yourself with kind people and focus on their kind words, the more you’ll realize something important that can help you in moments when you’re facing low self-esteem. The things you believe about yourself, and the way you see yourself at those times, is very different from how people you care about see you.

Of course, we all make mistakes, we all mess up, and we all hurt people through those mistakes from time to time. And it can be painful to come to terms with that. But who you are is so much more than the mistakes you’ve made? People who love you see you as a whole person: your strengths, your struggles, what makes you unique, and what they admire about you.

When you make an effort to embrace what others love about you, you’re seeing yourself more clearly, and it can be easier to think of your mistakes as just that: things you did that you’d like to do differently, not something that makes you a “bad person” or unworthy of love.

  • What is something people say they love or admire about you?
  • What are 5 words the person closest to you would use to describe you?

Write those words down on sticky notes or an index card. Once a day, look at them to remind yourself of the truth: you are someone with many strengths and gifts, and you are valued by the people you care about.

Represent the Qualities You Care About Most

I know it’s hard not to struggle with self-esteem when things don’t go the way we hoped or planned. But in those moments, it can help me to remind myself of all the ways I did the best I can, even if things didn’t turn out the way I wanted.
Doing what you know is right— and reminding yourself that you’ve done your best to do the right thing— are two things you can do every day to build your self-esteem over time.

  • If you believe that being a loyal friend is important, think about how you can be (and have been) a loyal friend to others.
  • If flakiness bothers you, remind yourself of a time you kept your word to someone, and make sure you aren’t a flaky friend.
  • If you don't like it when people say hurtful things behind your back, don’t spread gossip the next time you overhear it.

When I do what I know is right, my self-esteem is raised, and I feel more confident about my decisions. And it helps me to stay grounded in my faith. If you’re open to thinking about God, it might help to remember that He knows your strengths, and He loves you for who you are, even in the moments no one else is watching.

And no matter where you are in thinking about faith, it is always comforting to know we’ve been true to ourselves.

But I know that sometimes, even when you’ve worked hard to feel better about yourself, it can take extra support to get through the tough times. You don’t have to go through that alone. You can talk to a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine about what’s getting you down and make a plan to take steps to start feeling better. We are here for you, and we are always in your corner.

One of the most freeing things you can do is break off the lies that have taken hold and replace them with the truth about who you are. Read how to change the pattern of negative self-talk.

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Are White Lies Ever Okay?

Should I Be Telling the Truth No Matter What?

You've probably heard the old saying "honesty is the best policy". But is there ever a time when you don't have to tell the whole truth? Take a look at this message I received recently:

"I never want to lie, but there are times when I wonder if telling white lies is ever okay. What if someone cooks a meal for me, and they ask what I think, but I don't like it? Isn’t it rude to criticize a complimentary meal? What if something a friend does is bothering me? Wouldn't being totally honest ruin the friendship? I'm starting to wonder if honesty is always the answer, especially when it seems like such an uncomfortable burden."

I appreciate this person for asking a tough question. Maybe you can relate. Perhaps you feel pressure not to tell "the whole truth", or to even be a bit dishonest about how you feel, to keep things from getting too tense? I understand that feeling, and we've all been there. Sometimes we don't even realize we're telling a white lie simply because we're more focused on preserving someone else's feelings. That's okay. It doesn’t make you a bad person or a bad friend. But like anything else, there are pros and cons.

I can remember telling a white lie to a friend. I didn't love a gift they gave me and tried to act like I did. But the outcome was more uncomfortable than the discomfort I was trying to avoid. My friend could tell I wasn't being sincere, and that led to a whole new conflict that could have been avoided.

When she noticed I wasn’t satisfied with the gift, we ended up debating whether or not she knew me well enough. She was hurt by that discussion, and eventually told me I should have just been honest to begin with. She was right, of course. But it's often not easy to see things clearly in the moment when our emotions are running high.

Though my advice to someone I care about would always be to strive to tell the truth, I know we’re all human. No one is perfect. Like I just mentioned, I’ve been there myself! So, what can you do in this situation? If you’re unsure about how to move forward with a tough conversation, I think it's best to consider the outcomes of both withholding and telling the truth. Here are some things I've learned over the years about telling white lies. I hope they can help you find a way to move forward with a clear conscience.

Not Telling Someone the Truth Could Harm Them

It’s human nature to want to avoid conflict with people we care about, especially if it seems like a small thing that could be avoided if we didn't say how we really felt. But, as happened with my friend and me, choosing to tell a white lie to protect someone's feelings might actually hurt them instead.

Think of it this way, your friends know you well. So, they can probably tell if you're dissatisfied or troubled anyway. Beyond hurting their feelings and keeping them from having a more meaningful relationship with you, hiding the truth may actually be keeping your loved one from learning and growing.

For example, let's say you have a friend who only talks about their problems, and you hardly get a chance to confide in them. You have a great time together, but when you really need someone to talk to, they end up taking over those conversations with their own issues. If you truly care about this friend and want to continue the friendship, it's essential that you let them know it bothers you when you feel you're there for them during their troubles, but they aren't there for you the way you need them to be.

Of course, you’ll want to try your best to be sensitive to how they will receive this news, but typically the sooner you can have this conversation, the better. Let them know you're saying this out of respect and love for the friendship and you know that if you have these tough conversations now, you can be friends for years to come. Hopefully then they will see that you’re only saying what you mean in honor of your relationship.

This Could Become a Toxic Pattern

Lies, even white lies, have to be maintained in order to "work". That means that what started as one "little white lie" to avoid an uncomfortable conversation or confrontation, could become a series of lies that you have to keep up over a period of time.

Even if you feel like you've never let on, you're not being truthful, odds are good your friend, family member, or significant other will figure it out. The more white lies you tell, the harder it will become to pretend you're okay, or to keep track of all the half-truths you've told along the way. You may find it much more freeing to have one slightly uncomfortable conversation when something happens, than to have one very uncomfortable conversation later, when lots of "little white lies" have piled up to become a bigger problem. Your friend, family member, or partner could also interpret the lies as disrespectful or even feel they can't trust you as much. Isn't telling the truth in the moment easier than all of these possible outcomes? You can avoid getting into this toxic relationship pattern by reminding yourself that it may not feel great in the moment to tell the truth, but you'll feel a lot less bogged down later by the pressure of keeping your feelings hidden.

You Can Be Honest and Still Be Sensitive

One of the things that have helped me to avoid telling white lies to people I care about is to remember that, while honesty strengthens a relationship, "brutal honesty" isn't necessary. You can be honest with people you care about, and still protect your relationship, and their feelings, from unnecessary harm.

For example, instead of replying "I'm sick of how you always talk about yourself in our conversations" when a friend asks what's bothering you, you could say "I have some stuff on my mind I've been wanting to talk about, and I'm bummed I haven't felt like I can talk about those things with you."

This is honest, it puts your feelings out there, but it's neither overtly unkind nor unproductive to the conversation. If you're wondering how to phrase something, I find it helps to be:

  • Clear: Tell them what the issue is that you have a problem with or dislike: “I didn’t enjoy that restaurant we went to the other day as much as I’d hoped.”
  • Kind: Frame it in terms of your feelings, without attacking them or being needlessly harsh: “I’d feel better going somewhere less expensive next time, since I need to save money.”
  • Patient: Remember that this may be hard for your loved one to hear. Give them time to process and be prepared for the possibility that they could be uncomfortable or upset: “I know it’s one of your favorite places. I’m sorry if this is uncomfortable to hear.”
  • Caring: Express that you care about them as part of this conversation: “What’s most important to me is us spending quality time together. I think we’ll have a great time, even if we go somewhere else next time.”

Telling the Truth Builds Trust

If white lies get found out by people we care about, they may find it more difficult to trust us moving forward. But telling the truth builds trust. It shows that,

  • You and your friend trust each other to be truthful, and to be kind when you tell the truth
  • You can be trusted to tell each other what's most helpful, rather than what's the easiest or most comfortable
  • Your friendship is strong enough to get through uncomfortable conversations that have to happen from time to time

If you're worried about white lies you've told someone you care about, I understand. But if you're burdened with guilt or shame, telling your loved one could help free you from that. They may be upset, but they love you. Together, you can work on rebuilding trust, gentle honesty, and forgiveness.

When I'm having trouble forgiving myself, or I’m worried that a loved one will never forgive me, it helps me to remember that God forgives me of everything. If you're open to thinking about God, I hope it comforts you to know that He forgives you for the times you've struggled to be honest. He doesn't expect you to be perfect, and He loves you no matter what.

Honesty Helps You Be True to Yourself

One of the most important things to remember is that our loved ones are never the only ones impacted when we don’t tell the whole truth. Telling white lies eventually wears on us. In your heart of hearts, you may feel guilt and shame about not being totally upfront with someone, or you may always be worried they’re going to figure out you weren’t totally honest.

Being upfront and clear about your feelings means you’re being true to yourself and your conscience. It frees you from the burden of having to hide part of how you feel, and it creates room for growth in your relationships.

But even if you want to avoid telling white lies to your loved ones, it’s not always easy. Sometimes, you might need extra support and guidance to know how to say what you really think, or how you really feel, without causing unnecessary harm or friction.

Lying hurts because it takes us into a vicious cycle of mistrust. Read my blog on how lying hurts you for more help with lying. Remember, once you tell a lie, you usually have to lie again to cover up the first lie.

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Ways to Strengthen Your Relationship With Your Parents When Your Views Differ

You Can Still Love Each Other and Disagree

Child and parent relationships are some of the most powerful relationships there are. If parents and kids don’t get along, or if that relationship is toxic, it can cause great pain to everyone. Yet, it can be a source of great love and fulfillment if the relationship is healthy. 

There are times when you can strengthen your relationship with your parents by finding a way to resolve a disagreement. Or maybe you realize, after a while, that you actually see things more similarly than you thought. 

But that’s not always the case. Sometimes, even if you love your parents dearly and consider yourselves very close, disagreements can seem to take over.

Does this email I received sound familiar?  “I want to be close to my mom and dad, but ever since we’ve talked about having differing views on political and social issues, things have gotten tense. It seems like we can’t have a conversation anymore without it turning into an argument. My beliefs are important to me, but I also don’t want to ruin my relationship with my parents. I’m not sure what to do.”

If you feel frustrated and confused about bumping heads with your parents over your differences, you’re definitely not alone. Differing with the family that raised us is one of the growing pains we all have to experience as we figure out who we are. 

I’ll be honest. There are times when my children and I have disagreed. That was frustrating for all of us. If you’re troubled by disagreeing with your parents on certain issues, I hope to reassure you that you can disagree and still have a meaningful relationship. It is also O.K. to have differing views to those of your parents without compromising your beliefs. Here’s what I suggest in order to maintain a loving relationship while staying true to yourself.

How to Love Your Parents when You Disagree

Ask Them Questions 

Have you ever asked your parents questions?

  • About their life?
  • About their upbringing?
  • About things they’re proud of?
  • About things they’d like to do or try?

Learning about people can help us feel more connected to them, and it is a caring act to show your parents you are interested in getting to know things about them that they may have never shared with you before. Sometimes understanding where someone comes from can give you a sense of why they think and feel the way they do, and why they prioritize some things over others.

Even if talking to your parents about their lives doesn’t change your views, you might learn something interesting or remarkable about them, and your conversations may help you shift your perspective, or at least love them as the human being they are.

Your disagreements with your parents probably have an edge to them because they feel very personal. It can seem, in the moment, like you’re being attacked for who you are or what you believe. But understanding the situations and challenges that shaped your parents and the way they think, might help you remember that you’re all unique people whose lives have informed your beliefs in different ways, rather than two opposing sides of an argument. 

Share Your Favorite Memories

When you spend time with your parents, take some time to share your favorite memories. Look through old pictures or videos or watch a movie you loved growing up. 

Remembering good times, you shared together doesn’t erase tension for good, but it can be a good reminder that your family has been through a lot together. Ups and downs, good times and bad, you’ve all grown and changed a lot over the years. Hopefully it encourages you to see how you’ve come together, and how you were able to do so as uniquely different people with different ways of looking at the world.

Do Fun Things Together

Family traditions can be a great way to come together and build a strong connection. Even if you didn’t grow up sharing traditions, you can try new things together, and build new traditions. You might do things like:

  • Cooking a meal together
  • Having a family game night
  • Doing a gift swap
  • Making a scrapbook
  • Going on a scavenger hunt
  • Taking a road trip
  • Seeing a play or a drive-in movie

Traditions have a way of bringing people closer and reminding us what we love about our family. Maybe you will find something fun or relaxing you can do together that will become a tradition you share for years to come. 

Practice Gratitude

When I am struggling to understand someone I love, or to navigate a challenge in our relationship, it often helps me to think through what I am grateful for about them. Think about your relationship with your parents for a moment:

  • Have there been times they supported you when you felt like no one else would or could help?
  • Have they given you advice in a tough situation that helped you get through it?
  • What have they taught you that you carry with you today?
  • How can you see their love for you in the little things they say and do?

There are many ways we may not even realize that our parents, and how they raised us, have helped us become who we are. Finding a sense of gratitude for that whenever you can, and expressing that gratitude to them, can do a lot to strengthen your relationship as you come to terms with your differences.

Respect Boundaries

There are probably things you don’t talk about with everyone you’re friends with. Some friends are a great fit for talking about work or school pressures. Some are great for hashing out how you feel about life and the world around you. Your parents have those preferences, too. 

Respecting their boundaries if they don’t want to talk about complicated topics like social, political, or religious views with you, can actually make your bond stronger. Honoring boundaries is kind, respectful, and cultivates trust. And that’s a definite plus when you’re learning how to better relate to your parents.

Along with maintaining healthy boundaries, taking a break from difficult conversations can ease the tension in your relationship, and open the door to talk about and do other things. 

Don't Give Up

I know it’s daunting to have issues in a relationship that’s so important in your life. But don’t give up. Just because you don’t see things the same way now doesn’t mean you will always disagree. Tension doesn’t mean a relationship is ruined, and arguments don’t put things beyond repair. There is hope for a stronger, healthier, happier relationship with your parents, differences and all.

Do you have faith things will improve? If you’re open to thinking about God, remember to think about how He has made everyone unique, with their own views, their own strengths, and their own path to growth. When I need to think about my bond with others, remembering this gives me more hope for the future of my relationships with the people closest to me, even if we see the world in very different ways.

If you’re discouraged about where things are, you don’t have to deal with these difficult feelings alone. You can talk to a HopeCoach anytime to get answers to tough questions about parent relationships and figure out how to move forward with a greater sense of peace. We are here to listen and help without judgment, and I have faith things will continue looking up for you and your family. 

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6 Ways to Stop Obsessing Over What You See in the Mirror

Let Go of Harmful Myths and Embrace Empowering Truths

We live in a world where we get a lot of messaging about who we should be, how we should live, and what we should look like. Sometimes that can drag us down emotionally and make us feel bad about ourselves. Other times, it can motivate us, but that motivation is often hollow or disheartening since it seems impossible to reach those standards. 

Recently, we received an email from someone who feels stuck in this frustrating struggle to be content despite constant messaging telling us we need to change. Here’s what they had to say.

“I love watching Netflix, scrolling through Instagram and TikTok, and I love connecting with my friends, but I think it brings me down sometimes. I’ve noticed lately that I’m never happy with myself. I feel like I’m obsessing over what I see in the mirror, and that I’m never happy with my size or how I look. I know there’s something missing in the way I’m thinking, but I feel overwhelmed and don’t know where to start.”

So many of us have been exactly where they are, right? Society pressures us to look, feel, and be perfect. And we often get no satisfaction from doing it the way movies, TV, and social media suggest. If anything, we feel worse and worse. 

If you’re struggling with these feelings, you’re not alone. You can probably think back and see how draining negative thoughts about your appearance have been on your self-esteem. But what can you do instead? Don’t worry. Things can change. There’s hope. 

Being confident in our self-worth is a daily decision, but it can be a difficult journey to get to that point where you are able to choose positive self-worth every day. Taking the time to unlearn toxic beauty myths helps us feel freer, more confident, and more ready to enjoy the life we have. It can break the cycle of harmful thoughts and behaviors that come when we slip into self-hatred

How to Not Obsess Over Appearance

1. Realize Perfect is a Myth 

The goal of magazines, certain shows, and advertising we see is to show us an image of “perfection”: an ideal, that we need to attain to be happy. And being happy in these mediums is usually tied to being a certain size, having a certain appearance, or having a certain amount of money. But here’s the thing. Perfect is a myth. Think about this:

  • The person who hasn’t made a mistake, has never felt less than amazing, and has never wished things were better doesn’t exist and never has.
  • All of us have made mistakes or wanted things to be better, because no one has ever been “perfect”. Even if you could reach your idea of perfection, that feeling would wear off as soon as your standards were raised, or as soon as your idea of “perfect” changed to something different. Getting stuck in that cycle can lead to losing perspective about what is truly important in life. Not to mention, we wouldn't be able to find anyone to relate to since no one in the world has a "perfect" life, no matter how they look or behave.
  • The magazines, TV shows, and ads, are trying to sell us those images and ideals. They have their best interests in mind, not ours.
  • Those images are also highly photoshopped, covered up, and manipulated to project an image in someone else’s gaze and perspective of what “their perfect” is. 

When we realize perfect doesn’t really exist, and that the images of perfect are empty false attempts to get us to spend our time and money, we can think deeper about how to find contentment where we are, and how to have a healthier opinion of ourselves.

Listen to this call I had with Linda who's struggling with body image issues. She views her body as imperfect, always puts herself down and thinks she's not good enough.

2. Let Go of Relentless Pressure to “Look Better”

Feeling good about how you look isn’t a bad thing at all. Neither is wanting to improve things about ourselves.  But the unhealthy fixation with what we see in the mirror is an example of how our focus on “better” can get off course. What if, instead, the focus was on:

  • Feeling better physically?
  • Taking care of our emotional needs?
  • Being kinder to others? 
  • Being more present in our relationships?

How would your life be different if you focused more on these pursuits? What can you do right now to adjust your focus?

3. Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

For many of us, friends and family have an important role in shaping our interests, and the things we enjoy. But in the age of social media, the influence others have over us can get a little toxic, especially when we get stuck on comparing ourselves to them. The truth of the matter is:

  • Social media is designed to show people the best, most “perfected” version of ourselves. People are typically not vulnerable in what they share.
  • The result is a one-sided story that often makes us feel lacking. 
  • Social media can also, unfortunately, be the source of a lot of bullying, especially around looks, appearance, and size. 

Of course, social media isn’t all bad. It can be a great way for friends to be supportive and encouraging. It can also be a way to find resources that uplift your spirit. 

But if you can tell you’re starting to get overwhelmed and intimidated by what you see, taking some time to unplug or unfollow can be healing to your mind, body, and spirit. 

4. Think About How Wonderful the Mind and Body Are

Have you ever taken time to learn about the mind and body? When you think about everything your brain, your lungs, and your heart do for you every day, your body is amazing. 
When I meditate on the intricacies of the human body and mind, I’m reminded of a Bible verse I read often, where the writer expresses gratitude to God for being “fearfully and wonderfully made”. If you’re open to thinking about God, hopefully you can find joy in the thought that you were created specially, in all your uniqueness, out of love. 

5. Treat Yourself Like a Friend Would Treat You

Think of your closest friends, the people who mean the most to you in your life. How do they think of you? Chances are, the physical “imperfections” you get stuck on aren’t what they focus on, or even notice. How would things be different if you treated yourself like a friend treats you?

  • You would be focused on your strengths, not your weaknesses. 
  • You would be more patient with yourself.
  • You would see your inner beauty and come to appreciate the things that make you unique.

Of course, it’s not about pretending to be someone else. It’s as simple as, when you’re thinking something negative about yourself, shifting to a kinder view: and acknowledging that there’s truth in the good and beautiful things others see in you.

6. Surround Yourself with Accepting People

Speaking of friends, I’ve noticed something about the toughest times in my life, when I was struggling the most with my self-esteem. The more I surround myself with people who accept me and appreciate me, without pressuring me to be perfect, the more likely I am to realize that the most valuable pursuits in life have nothing to do with looking like someone from an ad. Of course, I didn't grow up with social media, but society has always advertised its own version of perfection.

And, though some things have changed, one thing is certain. True friends help us realize that we can care for ourselves in a variety of ways, and they are supportive and ready to listen. Your true friends are spending time with you because of who you are, not what you look like. That can be one of the most satisfying realizations in life; to have a group of people who truly care about you.
But sometimes, even with people in your life, you’re not sure who to talk to. It can feel intimidating to be vulnerable about your struggles, even with close friends. 

If you need extra support, TheHopeLine is here to help. Our HopeCoaches are trained to talk about self-image issues in a compassionate way, without judgment, that gives you practical suggestions on how to move forward. 

Talk to a HopeCoach today about the negative messaging holding you back and get some ideas about how to focus on kinder, gentler truths about yourself.

Respecting yourself does not always come easily. Bothered by past mistakes and regrets can consume our thoughts. Learn to respect yourself more day by day with these 8 must-know tips

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6 Tips for Making New Friends and Trying New Activities

How to Have Fun and Feel More Fulfilled

If you’re anything like me, it’s easy to feel “stuck” in your daily routine. While having a routine is healthy and good for getting things done, it can also bring us down after a while.

I got a message the other day from someone whose routine was becoming more of a rut. Here’s what they had to say:
“I feel like I do the same thing every day. I know I can’t get out of doing what I have to do, but there’s more to me than my job and my classes. Yet I’m at a loss for what else to do. I’ve been going to work, coming home, and doing it all again the next day for so long, I’m starting to wonder how I’ll ever stop feeling ‘blah’.”

If you’re feeling stuck, or bogged down, by the daily grind, let me assure you, everyone who has to take on the responsibilities of adulthood has felt this way at one point or another. As much as we may be tempted to, we can’t just ignore our schoolwork, our job responsibilities, or our other responsibilities, and expect ourselves to feel better. 

Making new friends and trying new activities may just be the ticket to feeling more energized, more motivated, and more optimistic about the future. That’s because new friendships and new pursuits give us something to feel excited about, and something to look forward to. Here are some tips for how to branch out, make new friends, and try new things. 

How to Make New Friends and Try New Things

1. Think About What Brings You Joy

Figuring out what new things to try is often easier when we think back to what else we’ve enjoyed. Take a moment to think back through your life to your favorite memories, or to the last time in recent months you felt happy and energized.

When are you happiest? What were you doing at the times when you were the most joyful? You don’t have to do the exact same things to feel happy again (especially since you’re already looking for something new to do). But you can use those memories as a guide. By thinking through what made you happy in the past, you can plan to try new activities that use the same skills or bring up the same feelings. For example:

  • If you were happiest when you were being creative, think of a new art or photography style you could try, or brainstorm some new ways to express your creativity.
  • If you’ve been happiest in nature, make a plan to have a picnic in a park, take a hike in a nature reserve, or try stargazing on a clear night.
  • If you love trying new food, find some recipes from your favorite style of cuisine you can try at home, or pick a new restaurant to order take-out from. 

The good news is, you don’t have to totally transform or undo your current routine to feel better, or to try something new. You can start small. What small changes can you start making to encourage creativity and relaxation in your daily life? Try one of those changes for a week and see how it makes you feel.

2. Ask Yourself: What Would I Like to Learn?

Is there anything you’ve always wanted to learn to do? There’s no time like the present to start doing them. If you’re on a budget, you can always check for scholarships for paid courses you want to take, since they often offer stipends or other financial assistance. Or there are plenty of high-quality, free instructional videos floating around online. 

Make a list of things you’d like to learn to do, or skills you’d like to get better at. What does your list look like? Perhaps it includes:

  • Learning a new craft or art form
  • Learning to play an instrument
  • Picking up a foreign language
  • Learning to bake or cook your favorite meal
  • Trying a new exercise routine or learning a new sport

Whatever you can dream up, there are lots of free and low-cost ways to learn it, and many ways you can learn from home in a way that works for your own schedule. You can search for how-to videos, zoom classes, podcasts, and more where experts teach you how to develop your hobbies, sharpen your skills, and uncover new things in your areas of interest.

3. Find Groups or Meetups That Match Your Goals and Interests

Meeting new people can go hand-in-hand with trying new things, because there are always lots of people who want to learn something new. You can ask around at your school or workplace to see if anyone else has been wanting to explore the same interests you are. Or you can find an online group or forum where people dig deep into your favorite topics and hobbies. There are also on-line Bible studies or book clubs that can be really fun to participate in as well.

There are also online “meet up” groups that plan virtual and in-person meetings around shared interests. And there are many online classes, available via Zoom, YouTube, and other popular sites, where people can connect, learn together, and get to know one another.

You can try outdoor activities, too. There are many running, hiking, and climbing groups that seek time in nature as a way to be inspired and get to know new people.

4. Put Yourself Out There 

Making new friends and trying new things have something in common: both require us to put ourselves out there, to share parts of ourselves and our lives with others. I know that feels intimidating, but it can be very rewarding, and you can start small.
Whether it’s in a face-to-face conversation, on a video chat, on your blog, or in an online discussion, you can find safe and simple ways to share about yourself: 

  • What You Want to Learn: Asking questions, or sharing what you’re looking to learn opens the door for others who share your interests to chime in.
  • What You Enjoy or Find Interesting: Maybe you share a review of a favorite book or movie, or maybe you talk about a new recipe you just tried. Whatever way you feel comfortable, sharing what you’re interested in and enjoy with others opens the door for connections with new friends.
  • What You Have to Offer: In some groups and conversations you’re in, people may ask for help and guidance. If you have a suggestion, offer it. If you’re passionate about helping others, you can volunteer to be a mentor or a group leader to offer guidance to new, younger members. It’s a great way to encourage others, and it may open the door to growing friendships over time, especially if you meet other mentors and volunteers who share similar interests.

Being yourself sounds like a great idea, and it is! But it can be hard to feel confident being yourself and putting yourself out there if you’re wondering what you have to offer. A lot of that difficulty stems from what we believe about ourselves, and why we’re here. In those moments in my life, it’s helpful to remember that my opinion of myself and what I have to offer is tied to my spiritual beliefs. 

When I remember that I was created with unique strengths and gifts, that helps me feel more confident sharing my interests and talents with others. I believe God created me with a purpose and using the gifts and talents He has given me are ways that I can help others. If you are open to thinking about God, it may be helpful to think about how he created you with totally unique gifts, and to know that sharing them with others is a great way to feel a stronger sense of friendship and connection. 

5. Set Some Goals

Goals can be a good motivator, especially when we share them with people, we trust to spur us on and encourage us along the way. Try setting goals within a given time frame. You can stretch yourself a little, but be sure your goals are something you believe you can achieve. For example:

  • “I want to read 2 new books (or listen to 2 new audiobooks a month.”
  • “I want to spend 20 minutes a day stretching or exercising: 10 in the morning, and 10 at night”.
  • “I want to take one online cooking class this summer, and try at least one new recipe from it.”

The online or in-person communities you’ve joined to try new things can be a great place to share and refine your goals. Since you’re all learning together, people will likely give helpful advice on how to set goals, and how to set yourself up to achieve them more readily.

6. Get Support If You Need It

Trying new things and making new friends is exciting. But it can be intimidating, especially if it’s been a while since you’ve tried something new, or if you feel uncomfortable socializing.

Sometimes you need help knowing how to build confidence or move forward in a new friendship or with a new pursuit you’re interested in. Mentoring is a great way to think about where you are, and where you want to be, and mentors are trained to give you practical advice for how to grow, learn and progress. 

Talk to a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine today if you’re struggling to make new friends, or not sure where to start when trying new things. We’re here for you, and we’re ready to offer support.

Life can be difficult and uncertain, especially when faced with the prospect of change. Here are six steps to making any needed change in your life.

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What to do if you are being bullied

If You Are Being Bullied: What to Do

Did you know that 1 in 7 students in grades K-12 is either a bully or a victim of bullying? Or how about the fact that 90% of 4th - 8th graders report being victims of bullying. If you are being bullied, you're not alone.

Sometimes we're bullies to our own friends and don't even realize it. You have a group of friends, and everyone is mad at one for some reason and you ostracize that person from your group. You say mean things, you make them feel left out on purpose, you see them coming and make it a point to show them that you're ignoring them. A week or so later you all become friends again and are on to being mad at the next person. This is bullying.

The dictionary defines bullying as, "someone who keeps doing or saying things to have power over another person."

Listen to our call with Morgan who suffered deeply from being bullied in school. Now she's in college and has a huge desire to help others who are being bullied.

What is bullying?

Ways people bully are name-calling, saying/writing nasty things about another, making them feel left out of activities on purpose for malicious reasons, making a noticeable point to not talk to them, making someone feel uncomfortable or scared, taking/damaging their belongings, making people do something they don't want to do. Hitting, kicking, knocking things out of one's hands, pushing, shoving, etc. are also bullying.

There are a lot of reasons why someone bullies. They may see it as a way to be in control when many things in their world are spiraling out of control. Others may bully because they feel it makes them popular or they think others find it funny and they are trying to entertain. Some bullies bully because that's the only way they can get attention. It could also be because they are jealous of the person they're bullying. They may be getting bullied themselves and so they bully others that they perceive as weaker. Some bullies don't even understand that they're bullying or how the person they bully truly feels.

WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE BEING BULLIED

1. Do Not Fight Back!

It can be hard, and some may tell you to fight back, but it's never the answer. If you give in to a bully and fight back, you may get in trouble instead of the bully! Don't bully a bully, because in the end you become a bully yourself.

2. Tell the Bully to Stop and Calmly Walk Away.

Believe it or not, this can be very effective. Practice with a friend, an adult, or with yourself in a mirror on things you can say. Practice saying it in a firm and direct way with confidence in your voice. Believing in yourself and telling others what you think can earn you respect and encourage others to stand up for themselves as well.

3. Tell an Adult.

Many times, we fear telling someone because we don't want to look weak or feel embarrassed. It may be scary at first, but an adult can help stop bullying and make things better. If the person gets in trouble, that's their problem because it was their fault for bullying. Not yours!

4. Know It's Not Your Fault.

No one deserves to be bullied ever! No matter what is going on in your life, being bullied is not your fault. Either try to stop it with the above tips or with the help of an adult. Don't ignore the problem and hope it will go away. Bullies bully because they can. Make it so they can't.

5. Be STRONG!

Bullies like upsetting people because it makes them feel powerful. Be in control so that the bully isn't. Confidence and having good self-esteem will help, but even if you don't feel that way at the moment, acting as you do will help. Others can't tell how you're feeling or what's going on in your head unless you show them. Even faking confidence and acting like you aren't afraid will help the situation, and maybe next time you won't need to fake it. You may find that you're pretty good at handling bullies and are able to help others when the bully finds their next victim.

Listen to my call with Miles who was bullied in middle school to the point of suicide. Miles has a story to tell about overcoming bullying. He said if he could have seen his life the way it is now...he would have never thought about hurting himself.

We're all in this together, let's start acting like it. Always keep in mind, "If you don't have anything nice to say to someone, then don't say anything at all." And remember the golden rule: "Treat others the way you would want them to treat you."

What if we lived life above the norm in extreme love; not seeking revenge, not speaking badly of our enemies, and loved the bully? Find out how here.

Tell me what you have to say about bullying in the comments below. Tell me your thoughts, encouragement and advice for those being bullied, your personal story with bullying, and kind words to encourage someone to stop being a bully.

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