How to Keep a Hopeful Outlook When Life is Tough

When things are going well, it's easy to believe the future will go well, too. But when life takes a turn for the worse, things get harder. In those times, hopelessness can creep in. If we don’t notice when despair shows up, or if we don’t work to stop feeling hopeless, these feelings can seem to consume us over time.

There have been times my feelings of hopelessness were so strong, I forgot there was ever hope to begin with.

Is this how you’re feeling during this season of your life? If so, maybe you can relate to this person who reached out to TheHopeLine:

“I’m so tired of people telling me everything happens for a reason. My job had to cut back my hours. My best friend and I have been arguing more. And I don’t feel like I can talk to my parents about my intense depression and suicidal thoughts, because I don’t want to worry them. I don’t know how to feel better about my life when I feel like I’ve never had it as hard as I do now.”
I understand how they’re feeling. And how you’re feeling, too. It is very difficult to find hope sometimes. It’s even harder when people around you are stressed, too. Sometimes, none of the advice you’re getting seems helpful.

But when I think about where hopelessness leads, finding a way to be hopeful is worth it.
Here’s why:

• I’ve realized that when I get into a habit of focusing on hopelessness, it sends me into a tailspin.
• That feeling of a “downward spiral” makes it hard for me to recognize the good in my life, in my relationships, and in the world around me.
• I don’t want to go back to that place in my mind. I want to make the most of the life I’ve been given. So, I work on finding my way back to hope and peace of mind. The more I search for hope and get the support I need to feel better about my future, the more hope becomes my new habit.

I’ve been through this process many times over the course of my life. And, while it’s not easy to commit to being hopeful, it’s made me a stronger person. Many times, I was able to keep going because I knew I had guidance through the tough times. And now, I’m here for you. Here are some lessons I’ve learned about how to be more hopeful, and what to do to shift my thinking towards a habit of hope.

How to Find Hope in Struggles: You Can Stop the Spiral

As I mentioned, one of the biggest reasons to work on feelings of hopelessness is that, if we don’t work against them, it could feel like we’re on a downward spiral. For example:

• If you feel hopeless about your friendships and relationships, you might isolate yourself, which is even harder on your mental health.
• If you feel shame about the mistakes you’ve made, you might feel hopeless that you can grow. You might try to numb this pain with drugs, alcohol, or other harmful addictive behaviors (like cutting or self-harm).
• If you struggle with anxiety, anger, or deep depression, but never turn to someone for help finding a more hopeful outlook, you might end up struggling with suicidal ideations.

I know how hard these feelings can be. And I get that it feels like you’re stuck.

But here’s the good news. You can get “unstuck”. Even if you feel like you’ve already started off on a path you’ll regret, you can stop the spiral. You can break the cycle of hopelessness. You can take steps to stop feeling miserable and start feeling hopeful about your life. You’ve found a community of people who can help you, and you can start getting help right now.

You Can Change Your Outlook

Hopelessness brings with it a powerful myth: things will never change for the better. It feels true because, if we’re sad or overwhelmed about one situation after another, we forget to even look out for the happiness that life can still bring.
But looking at your own experiences busts this myth. There’s a much more hopeful truth: you can change your outlook, because change happens all the time

• Think back to who you were as a child. Think about all the ways you’ve grown and all the things you’ve learned since then.
• Think of ways you feel differently about yourself and your life from this time last year.
• Remember you have made it through every bad day or time so far, and you can do the same this time around.

You are not the same person you were a year ago, or even a month ago! You have changed so much over the course of your life. You have made new decisions, tried new things, and gone new directions, even when it wasn’t easy.

If life can change as much as it does, and if we know we don’t stay the same as people, then we can ditch the harmful myth that we’re stuck where we are and find hope in the truth: we can change our outlook to a more hopeful one, and we can find ways to lift our spirits.

You Can Think of Life as a Journey

Certainly, there are things that happen in life, good and bad, that were not a result of our planning, or that are beyond our control. But life isn’t just something that “happens to us”, about which we can never do anything. We are on more of a journey through our life than we realize in the tougher times.

• How does your mindset change when you realize that you have the power to make choices about your life, your feelings, and your outlook?
• When you think of life as a journey, can you imagine where you’d like your life to go?

When you are able to imagine a good, peaceful place, or a new, exciting adventure, hang on to that. You are starting to rediscover your sense of hope and finding purpose.

You Can Document Your Journey

One of the ways I’ve found it easier to remember my hope is to think back to times when I was feeling hopeful and optimistic. If I had hope in the past, I know I can rebuild and regain my hope for the present, or the future. But it’s hard to remember hopeful times when fear and hopelessness demand so much space in our mind, and so much energy from our bodies.

That’s why documenting our journey back to hope is so important. When I journal, I try to write down at least one thing I enjoyed about my day, one thing I am grateful for, or one thing I was proud of. Whatever good I can find on that day, I make note of it along with the tough stuff. Later, when I’m wondering how to get unstuck from a tough time, I have a way to look back over what I learned when things were tough before. It makes it easier to see how I’ve grown, what made me happier when I was sad, and how far I’ve come over time.

There are a few ways you can keep track of your journey:

• Keeping a private journal: This is one of the easiest ways to start reminding yourself you’re on a path, and you can make progress. You can include how you’re feeling each day, as well as making an effort to list 3-5 things you’re grateful for, or looking forward to.
• Blogging or video blogging: If it’s intimidating to share with all your social media followers, you can adjust your privacy settings to share with individuals or smaller groups
• Sharing your thoughts in an online community: There are lots of online communities that are specific to the struggles you’re facing, and it could be a good way to hold yourself accountable to the work you need to do. Not to mention it could be a helpful reminder that you’re not alone.

You Can Set Goals

When we are going through a happy time, we are excited about what lies ahead. That feeling of “there’s something ahead of me that I look forward to”, or “I am curious and excited about what this will turn out to be” is part of our sense of hope.

Along with journaling and remembering we can change our mindset; we can also set goals to work toward. Knowing we are working on something and celebrating little wins along the way can help us reconnect with those hopeful feelings. This could look like:

• Health goals: I will drink 6 glasses of water a day and track how I feel.
• Hobby goals: I will spend an hour each evening working on a 1000-piece puzzle.
• Relationship Goals: I will check in with a friend or family member once a week to see how they’re doing.

Goals of any kind give us a sense of purpose. Knowing we have something to accomplish, even if it’s small, reminds us that we were created with a purpose. The good news? That purpose is still a part of us, no matter what’s going on around us. And we can always reconnect with it.

You Can Learn from Others

When we aren’t sure how to regain our hope, looking to others can be very helpful:
● Stories of people we admire can show us how they got through hopeless seasons of their lives
● Talking to loved ones can show us there is someone who believes in us
● Researching how to change and grow can give us new ideas we hadn’t considered before.
● Seeking mentoring can get us extra support from someone trained to help us through difficult situations.
If you’re ready to get back to the hope you had during better times, there’s good news. You can start on that journey right now. TheHopeLine offers mentoring from Hope Coaches, who are trained to help people rediscover their sense of hope. Talk to a Hope Coach today about why you’re feeling hopeless, and what you can do to work on turning things around. We are here for you and ready to offer support.

Life can be hard, and hope can be hard to find. If you have ever wondered, how can I find the hope to keep going, this is a must-read. 

Guard Your Heart Against Self-Hatred

I have talked about guarding your heart in dating relationships and now I want to talk about how to protect your heart from your own negative self-talk.  How can you guard your heart from bitterness and the lies that you tell yourself, which the world has convinced you are true?

The main principle to guarding your heart

Fill your heart with TRUTH and believe the TRUTH when the world tries to tell you LIES.

LIE - There is nothing good in my life. I have every right to be bitter. Everyone is against me.

Here is the truth: Life can be hard, but there is always something to be thankful for, and it is our choice whether we decide to look for the good around us or remain bitter. It is possible to train our minds to move from thoughts of despair to thoughts of gratitude. Start small...I am thankful for the warmth of the sun on my face, the feel of grass under my toes, the smell of coffee brewing, my comfy sweats, the ability to breathe deep, the joy of a good book or movie, etc.

By believing this truth...that there is always something you can be thankful for...your heart will be protected from the trap of overwhelming bitterness that leads to despair and hopelessness. In fact, I read a study where participants interrupted their moments of anxiety by giving thanks, and after two weeks of giving thanks, they had a 53% decrease in their stress!

Changed Thoughts = Changed Attitude

If research shows that practicing gratitude INCREASES happiness, optimism, and satisfaction with your life, isn't it worth a try?

In one study, they asked some of the participants to maintain a journal recording things for which they were grateful and a separate group of participants to record things they found annoying. When the results came back, they found that participants in the group monitoring things for which they were grateful had higher levels of well-being than the others.

It makes sense. Whatever you wire your brain to focus on, is what you are going to feel.  Grateful people shift their focus from pain and problems to the good.

Personal Experiences of Choosing Gratitude

I speak from experience on this idea of choosing gratitude over bitterness.  After my son Fulton's accident that left him paralyzed on his right side, unable to talk, and living in a nursing home, I could have chosen a life of bitterness and hung out there forever. And I'll admit, there were days early on that I did.  But then I started looking for the good...his nurses were amazing and loved him, we were able to communicate with thumbs up and down and have meaningful conversations, Fulton's story started changing other people's lives and the list goes on.

I believe that God tells us often in the Bible to give thanks because He knows that a thankful heart is a happy heart.  The Bible says, always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances.

If you are struggling with self-talk that leads you to hate yourself, please read my blogs on "5 Things to Think and Do When You Hate Yourself" and "What to Do When You Hate Yourself."

Dating Advice

The world we live in sometimes makes dating sound a lot easier and more straight-forward than it turns out to be.

Just about every online dating platform out there makes the whole process seem very simple. Just login to this app, make a profile, send a few messages, and boom, you're in a relationship. Even in-person dating advice can make it seem like if you just meet the person who checks the right boxes on your list, then everything should work out, after all, you have so much in common, right?

But by now, you've probably realized something isn't working, but you can't figure out what it is. You might feel like Ben, who shared this in a message to us a few weeks ago:

"I can't figure out what's going wrong in my dating life. I've tried getting to know several girls that I've found interesting or attractive, and it either fizzles out after a few dates, or never gets going in the dating direction. These girls seem like my type, but it never works over an extended period of time. Where am I messing up?"

If you feel this way right now, your frustration is totally understandable. It can be hard to know what to do if you feel like you've done everything you think you're supposed to. But there's something else you can try dating outside the box.

Here are some ideas for how to think differently about dating decisions that might make it easier to move forward when getting to know someone new.

Re-Think Your Type

Sometimes it seems like everyone has "a type" when it comes to dating and relationships.

Maybe you like to date artists or musicians. Maybe you want to be with someone who shares your interest in a hobby or sport. Or maybe there are certain physical characteristics that catch your eye every time.

None of that is bad or wrong on its own. We all have preferences! But sometimes we get so hung up on what we think we want, or so stuck on a very specific set of “must-haves”, that we might be missing a wonderful person who doesn't have all the characteristics of "our type".

Here are two suggestions for rethinking "your type":

• If “your type” only has certain interests, think about why those interests are important to you and broaden your ideas based on that. For example, if you like the idea of dating an artist or musician, but it hasn't worked out in the past, think about expanding your horizons to dating someone creative. That could open more doors, while still helping you find someone, you're interested in.
• If what defines your type is mainly physical traits, try focusing on character traits and moving those up the priority list. If you focus all your energy on whether someone is tall, or whether they have blue eyes, you may be missing red flags in their character or personality.

Rethink the "Friend Zone"

The "friend zone" is the idea that you can only ever be friends with someone. Because friendships feel safe, you may be tempted to force a relationship to stay in the friend zone out of fear that dating will mess things up.

But some of the strongest relationships out there, including many marriages, started as friendships. While there is no 100% guarantee that any relationship will work, relationships that begin as friendships can often work because:

• You know enough about each other to know how you respond to challenges and frustrations
• You enjoy being around one another and are comfortable enough to be yourself with each other
• You have common interests or enjoy many of the same things
• You've likely stuck with each other through difficult times and worked through conflicts

It's worth thinking about some of your strongest friendships. If you have a healthy friendship with someone you admire, it may be worth considering exploring a dating relationship with them.

Think About Why You're Dating

People date for different reasons. Sure, it's fun to get to know people with whom we feel a sense of chemistry, connection, or attraction. But sometimes, our reasons for dating someone don't go deep enough, and the results are disappointing.

For example, if you find yourself dating for "casual" connections or hook-ups that are purely based on physical chemistry and attraction, you might have discovered that those connections only end up disappointing you in the end. They leave you feeling empty.

If you find that you get bored with people you date, even though you get along, it doesn’t mean there's anything unhealthy about the relationship. Rather there's likely something missing from the way you're thinking about dating.

That's because dating isn't about a temporary, fleeting happiness, or just about having fun. Those feelings of euphoria are hard to sustain anyway. When we go deeper, dating becomes about long-term partnership: finding someone you can get through the ups and downs of life with. Even if you're not ready to think about marriage, thinking about dating as a mutually helpful partnership can be a meaningful way to go deeper and think differently about your dating prospects.

Don’t Give Up on Dating

It can be really hard to keep a sense of faith when you're dating, if things haven’t gone so well in the past. There are so many disappointments and frustrations, and there's a lot of heartbreak along the way. I know that can be painful and upsetting, but those experiences aren't the end-all-be-all. You have plenty of time to meet other people, learn from previous experiences, and get to know someone new.

Way back in the day when I was single, I learned that I didn't have to put so much pressure on myself to be perfect or to find the perfect person when it came to dating. I came to believe that I would find someone to get to know when I was ready for it mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. My faith in God helped me remember I am always loved and cared for, whether I am in a relationship or not. My faith also assured me that God had a good plan for my life, and I could trust Him with my future relationships.

I’m not sure where you are in your spiritual journey right now. You may be struggling with having faith or with believing in God, and that’s okay. But if you’re able to open yourself up to the possibility of being loved by God, it could help when you’re feeling lonely or frustrated in your dating life.

Learn About Yourself

When relationships go south, a lot of intense feelings come to the surface for a while. That's a normal part of dating and breaking up, and it's important to find healthy ways to work through those feelings.

But once the strongest emotions calm down a bit, it could be really helpful to learn about yourself by asking yourself questions like:

• What strengths have I shown in my past and present friendships that would benefit a dating relationship?
• Do I have any hang-ups around "my type" that might be getting in the way of connecting with a great person?
• What are my goals for the future? How do I want to grow, and how can I get to know someone who will help me grow?

You can talk questions like these through with a close friend or family member, or someone else who knows you well.

If you're not sure who to talk to, or if you want a fresh perspective, we're here to help. Our HopeCoaches are here to talk through dating and relationship questions via chat or email, without judgment.

Talk to a HopeCoach today to learn how to stop making the same relationship mistakes and start dating "outside the box".

Dating is not easy and picking up the pieces of a broken heart can be tough. Here are some tips to help you move forward and get back to feeling like yourself again. 

Fighting with your boyfriend or girlfriend is stressful and upsetting. I’m sure you’d both like to do whatever you can to stop fighting and have a stronger dating relationship.

When people ask me for dating advice, they often wonder how they can avoid fighting with their partner altogether.

The truth is, conflict in relationships is unavoidable. After all, you’re two different people and you see the world in two different ways. You may also have different ways of communicating, too.

What makes you unique is also what can bring some friction in the relationship. But fighting doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed – and you don’t have to argue all the time. Here’s what I’d suggest if fighting with your girlfriend or boyfriend has become a routine.

Remember You’re in This Together

It’s always helpful to remember the real reasons conflicts tend to arise. It’s usually not because the person you’re fighting with is your enemy. After all, you’re in a relationship because there are lots of things you love about one another.

It can be helpful to remember that you’re in this together. Think about why you’re in the relationship and the gifts your partner brings to it. Remember the commitment you’ve made and let them know you want to work through things for a more peaceful, stronger relationship.

Look for Needs and Hurts

Look at fights and arguments not as attacks, but as a sign that your boyfriend or girlfriend is likely pained or frustrated by their needs not getting met. Next time they’re upset, do your best to not take their reactions personally.

Give things a moment to cool off before you respond. When you’re ready to talk, try saying something like, “I’m sorry you’re hurt and upset. What do you need from me? What can I do to avoid causing you pain in the future?” Taking a proactive approach rather than fighting back may go a long way toward diffusing the situation. The more you practice calm communication with one another, the less likely you are to fight.

Leave Room for Yourself

Sometimes fights happen because you’re tired, stressed, and in need of some alone time. It is totally normal for alone time to be part of good boundaries in a healthy relationship.

Giving yourself space to be alone is a great way to check in with yourself and your needs so that you can address them before they become an argument with your boyfriend or girlfriend.

It’s also a good way to make sure that you’re not relying on your partner to meet all your emotional and spiritual needs.

Relationships are great, but there are some needs that only God can fulfill. If you’re struggling in your faith or not sure what you believe about God, your alone time is a safe space to explore those questions, to pray, and to think about how to move forward.

Get Advice Regularly

I know that even when we have the best intentions in our relationships, we can’t avoid every fight. Unexpected things might happen (like loss, job changes, or school pressure) that put more strain on your relationship than normal. In those times, it’s healthy to seek advice regularly from a therapist and others you trust.

If you’re not sure how to navigate challenging times in your relationship, TheHopeLine is here to help. Talk to a HopeCoach anytime you need dating advice and know that we are in your corner as you grow in your relationship.

Thinking about taking your relationship to the next level? Picking the right partner for marriage is the second most important decision you'll ever make. Find out how to choose the right partner. 

Can Justin have a friendship with his ex without it affecting his current relationship? 

Justin has a really good female friend. They’ve been friends about 3 years. He loves her as a friend but is not in love with her. He’s trying to be a friend to a girl and encourage her, but his girlfriend is jealous. They had dated in the past, but that’s not happening now. Justin and his current girlfriend are talking about getting engaged. The friend relationship with his ex-girlfriend is causing issues with his current girlfriend. How can Justin be a friend and offer encouragement to his ex-girlfriend without it affecting his current relationship?

It Makes My Girlfriend Uncomfortable

How do you feel when she says I don’t want you with your ex-girlfriend at all? Justin – “She doesn’t tell me she doesn’t want me with her, because she knows what I’m doing. She knows the fact that I’m encouraging this person and I’m there for support. But I know deep down inside she gets jealous, because she [my friend] is taking my time away from her. And from time to time, it makes her uncomfortable - as it would anybody.”

Peer to Peer:

Justin is looking for some answers here. What do you say to Justin about his friend relationship causing issues with his current girlfriend? What should Justin do? Can he be a friend to his ex? Or will that friendship affect his current relationship? Yolle, Parker, Jamie, Jennifer, and Sophie all called to weigh in on Justin’s situation, several of them have been in similar situations. Here is their advice to Justin:

Consider the Type of Relationship You Have with Your Ex - Yolle

Yolle – “The advice I have for Justin is more of a series of questions and not really advice, because he should be the one to make this decision. I would like for him to consider the type of relationship he has with the ex.

• What is it about this relationship that he’s holding onto, where he feels he’s the one that can encourage the ex?
• How important is the new relationship to him?
• How can he allow the new girlfriend to trust there’s nothing serious going on with the ex?

I would like for him to consider those questions. I also encourage him to set boundaries. I understand why the new girlfriend is not comfortable with the whole thing, because as females we always wonder if there’s anything more than a friendship. She should seek God in her discomfort, knowing that her future husband is trustworthy. And Justin needs to allow God to be the one to lead him in any type of relationship that he’s going to be involved in.”

Let Go of Your Past Relationships - Parker

Parker – “I was inspired to call in tonight because I’m in a similar situation right now. What I’ve found is that sometimes you have to let go of your past relationships especially if there affecting someone you love. What you have to do is move forward with your new companion. I encourage Justin to take the path where he can allow the love with his current girlfriend, who might be his wife one day, to grow and blossom into a beautiful thing. That’s what I’ve found during my current relationship, and I’ve never been happier. Look forward, water your grass where it is right now, and it will grow to be a beautiful garden.

Direct Her to Someone Else Who Can Help Her - Jamie

Jamie – “I don’t necessarily think that she’s immature so much as it’s a new relationship and she’s wanting to marry the guy. I know from personal experience I wouldn’t want my current husband now hanging out with his ex. If he wants to be a good friend, he can direct her to a church pastor or a counselor or something if she needs that guidance. He doesn’t have to be the one giving it. Then he would still be a good friend but is also being a good soon-to-be spouse. If he’s deciding to marry this other girl, her feelings should come first to him above an ex-girlfriend.

I had an issue when I was engaged to my husband now, I had a friend who was an ex, and he wasn’t happy about it. And I said, “Well, he’s, my friend.” I was young and felt like he was here first, friends come before anything else. Then my husband, at the time was my fiancé, put his foot down and said, “It’s me or him.” And so, I really had to think about what was I holding onto? Am I going to keep him in the wings just in case? Which was not the case. I ended up deciding to go with my husband and I’ve never been happier!”

Show Your Girlfriend She Can Trust You - Jennifer

Jennifer – “Everybody has said a lot of things that were going through my mind. But one thing that I see as a female is a lot of girls don’t have good self-esteem and that’s where a lot of times those types of feelings come from…low self-esteem. If he loves her, he needs to reassure her. One of the guys said a few minutes ago, redirect your friend to either someone at the church or another girl she could lean on and talk to. If you love this woman so much that you want to marry her, then you need to show her that security. Show her why she can trust you. A lot of times you want to just say, “Just trust me, trust me.” But some people you have to show them you can trust me.”

Cut Out Meeting One-On-One with the Opposite Sex - Sophie

Sophie – “Me and my fiancé originally got engaged and we went through a similar type of situation. I had a lot of insecurity within me just from things happening. Even though I knew his heart was right in it, I didn’t necessarily know the girl very well, so it was just one of those things where it doesn’t really matter regardless. You’re both more protected when that boundary is set, such as, we both know now we are more serious, so we’ve got to cut those type of relationships out of our lives. It’s too hard to have those relationships with the opposite sex without it getting perverted. So, really creating that boundary, saying: we both equally have to be good friends with this person and maybe we both meet with them, or you have to cut that person out of your life, and stop meeting with them alone, one-on-one type of thing.”

Did Today’s Episode Get You Thinking?

You could say Justin’s girlfriend, soon to be fiancé, is being immature, but the Bible says, you who are strong bear the burdens of the weak. (Romans 15:1) When you say to this girl, I’m talking about you becoming my fiancé. Once they’ve become your fiancé, you’ve made a statement which says, I’m going down the road to decide whether or not we should get married. He does not need distractions from an old flame. Even if she is immature, you who are strong bear the burdens of the weak.

I’m Fine Letting Her Go - Justin

Justin explains, “I’m perfectly fine letting this girl go, because that’s how important my girlfriend is to me now. But I’m also an assistant youth pastor so when the person who doesn’t 100% know God, comes to talk to me all the time. And I’m the only person that she’s comfortable talking with, so trying to figure out a Biblical way to do it.”

You Who Are Strong, Bear the Burdens of the Weak

She needs to speak with a woman anyway, Justin. Pass her onto a woman and then go back to your fiancé and say to her we’re making this step. I’m going to show you that I want to be faithful to you. Here’s what I’ve done so far, but I want to show you. Even if she’s immature, you who are strong, bear the burdens of the weak.

Resources for help with Relationships:
Blog: Why Do People Get Jealous
Blog: 8 Ways of Overcoming Jealousy in Your Relationship
Blog: Dating and Marriage: Am I Ready to Get Married?
Podcast: EP 41: How to Move On From Your Ex
Need to talk to someone? Chat with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine.

One last thing,

My podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now at our Give Now page.

Breaking the Cycle of Abuse

Physical abuse is not always apparent, and it can take time to become obvious. But identifying early signs of a physically abusive relationship may be key to breaking the cycle of abuse.

It’s important to remember that abuse goes beyond anger, and that arguing, and conflict are not necessarily abusive, even though they might bring up strong reactions and unpleasant behaviors.

The patterns behind abuse are often more subtle. But awareness is always helpful, and I hope it helps you or someone you know in an abusive relationship find freedom and healing.

Early Signs of Physical Abuse

These warning signs (adapted from a list by Women’s Advocates) are early signs of physical abuse.

• Fast-Moving: Things move quickly, and you or your loved one may feel like they are moving too fast: “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone.”
• Jealousy: Things get possessive quickly in abusive relationships. People who abuse don’t want their family members or partner to go anywhere without them because they might meet someone to whom they would be closer than the abuser.
• Controlling: Abusive behavior is driven by control. Abusive partners or family members try to control finances, activities, and connections to others.
• Threatening: “I’ll kill you if you ever try to leave me,” or “you’ll never find a place to live if you move out,” and other threats are a big red flag when it comes to identifying signs of abuse

How Early Stages of Abuse Make You Feel

Before people are physically harmed by abuse, they often have difficult, painful feelings. I strongly suggest seeking help if you are in any relationship that makes you feel:

• Overwhelmed: You or your loved one are overwhelmed because someone expects to have all their needs met or expects their version of “perfection.”
• Ashamed: Guilt and shame are emotional indications of potential physical abuse because abusers blame victims of abuse for everything, even if it is clearly their responsibility.
• Lonely: Abusive people isolate those they abuse, making them feel more and more isolated over time.
• Fearful: It is natural to feel afraid if the person you or your loved one is part of a relationship with is abusive. It is important to listen to those fears and do what you can to protect yourself as soon as you are able.

See the Signs? Get Support

If you see the signs of abuse (or potential abuse) developing in a relationship in your life or the life of a loved one, it’s time to get support so freedom can be found, and you can begin the long journey of healing after abuse.

TheHopeLine partners with many organizations that help abuse victims find safety. Along with these amazing groups, TheHopeLine offers mentoring to support people who are in post-abuse recovery, or who are working to break free of an abusive relationship. Talk to a HopeCoach today if you’re ready to get help for yourself or need to know how to help a loved one. We are here for you, and we will get through this together.

If your boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner gets angry often, it could become abusive. Learn how anger and abuse are different, and how to make a change.

Life Can Break Your Heart

Life is hard, and the painful things you’re going through in life can break your heart. Have you ever felt like this person who reached out to us?

“I just went through a breakup, and I feel like it came out of nowhere. One week, he was telling me how much he loved me. Then, all of a sudden, he doesn’t think we want the same things anymore. I never thought I would go back to being alone so soon, but everyone keeps telling me I need to pick up the pieces and move on. How do I do that? What am I supposed to do without this person I thought I was going to share my life with?”

Heartbreak is always tough. But it can be devastating in a way that really derails us, especially when:

• You believed you would stay with someone forever.
• The person who broke your heart is a parent or immediate family member.
• The relationship became toxic, harmful, or abusive.
• You lost friends in addition to the partner you broke up with. 
• People are telling you that the heartbreak isn’t a big deal, or that “it’s all in your head” and you need to “get over it.”
• You struggle with hating yourself or feel like no one can love you because you’ve heard unkind words from your partner.

I know it feels like you don’t know where to begin when it comes to picking up the pieces of a broken heart. But I want you to know I feel your pain as you’re trying to process this heartbreak. It’s hard to come back after heartbreak, but it’s not impossible. There are steps you can take, one day at a time, to move forward and get back to feeling like yourself again.

1. Let Yourself Express “Bad Feelings”

When your heart has been broken, you feel things with an intensity you didn’t think was possible before. It’s tempting to ignore or stuff down feelings we may think are “negative” (like anger, sadness, or fear). 
But if we ignore our feelings, or bottle them up inside, we’re not actually taking the time to figure out why we’re hurting, or to explore how we really feel about the person or situation that broke our heart. That means we may not be able to get the help we really need, and we may end up feeling stuck in a loop of negative emotions. 
On the other hand, naming as many feelings you can when your heartbreak brings them up is an important step toward getting the specific, unique support you need.

• If you don’t know how to start, try: I feel [emotion] when I think about [heartbreaking situations] because [why you think you feel this way].
  • For example: I feel angry when I think about our breakup because he didn’t give me a real reason, we couldn’t work things out. 

Don’t be afraid to name your feelings. They feel powerful, but they’re just emotions, and you’re in charge. Try it just once a day to start with. You might be surprised how much you learn about yourself, and about your life, in the process.

2. Expect Ups and Downs

There will be ups and downs as you cope with heartbreak. Some days, you’ll feel down in the dumps, like nothing will ever change. Other times, you may feel exhilarated and free, like you get to start fresh and redefine yourself. These feelings are normal, and a part of the grieving and healing process.

You don’t have to force yourself to feel better, be happy, or think differently about the heartbreaking situation. As you continue to make efforts to talk about and work through your feelings from day to day, your emotions will shift and change over time. There’s no need to rush it. Just start with how you feel about it today, and work from there.

3. Don’t Compare Yourself to Others

In the world of social media and sharing personal stories, it’s easy to seek out what others are doing, and how they’ve healed from their heartbreak and sadness. That can certainly help you feel less alone and isolated, but avoiding comparison is important. Everyone’s journey is different, and there’s no “one right way” to recover from heartbreak.

Don’t beat yourself up if weird and tough feelings come up along the way. It’s going to happen. and there may be people that don’t get it. But there are plenty of people who have been on this journey, and have come out the other side, who will offer understanding and a listening ear along the way. 

4. Remember Good Things and Growth

The sadness of heartbreak can dominate and overwhelm, but it’s helpful to remember good things about your relationship or friendship. There is some goodness about situations and people, even the complicated and difficult ones. It may not be possible to find good things to hold on to about someone, depending on the reasons the relationship went south. That’s okay. Just work with whatever you have.

If you can, think about things like:

• What you’ve learned about yourself along the way
• How you’ve shown strength during the ordeal of heartbreak
• How you can be a better friend as a result of this tough situation

5. Try Something New

There will be a sense of a “hole” in your life after a heartbreak. Rather than filling it with unkind thoughts toward yourself, or unhealthy behaviors, you can branch out and try something new:

• A hobby you’ve been wanting to start
• A new book or podcast
• A recipe or style of cooking
• A new type of exercise or movement

Or perhaps that “hole” could be filled by examining your spiritual beliefs and learning more about God and the relationship He desires to have with you. Did you know God sees you as precious, loved, and a masterpiece? If you’re not sure where to start, or if you don’t understand why God would let you experience heartbreak, praying about it may help you find greater peace. If you are open to finding time to pray each day or each week, it may be a great comfort to discover what the Creator of the universe has to say about you. Over time, you could replace the harmful lies that heartbreak has made you believe about yourself with this important truth: You are loved by a God who will never abandon you and has set you on a path that He knows will bring you happiness, even if it’s not the path you thought you’d be taking.

Any of these are great opportunities to grow, learn, have fun, and find joy, which you can still do (even with a broken heart).
If you’re not feeling very motivated, check with a close friend about what they’re interested in these days. Maybe you two can start exercising together, do a book club with some of your favorite books, or take a free online course. There are lots of things out there waiting to be tried that are healthy distractions from a heartbreaking situation.

6. Get Help If It’s Too Much

Even with the best intentions, heartbreak can seem to take over your body and mind. If it feels like depression is overwhelming you, especially to the point where you’re despairing, get support and guidance. 

• You don’t have to feel like there’s nothing you can do.
• You don’t have to feel like there’s no one you can talk to. 
• You don’t have to stay stuck in a cycle of depression and hopelessness. 

You can talk to a faith leader, a counselor, or a trusted friend. And, if you don’t know where to turn first, you can talk to us. 
TheHopeLine offers mentoring via chat and email to support you during this tough time. Talk to one of our HopeCoaches today to sort through heartbreak and find a path forward. We are here for you. 

Father Relationships

Father relationships can be complicated, frustrating, and painful. Depending on what you’ve been through, you may want to rebuild things with your father. Whether you’re longing for a greater sense of connection with your biological father, an adopted father, a stepfather, or a father figure in your life, I’m hopeful that sharing what I’ve learned can help you on that path.

Can I Have a Better Relationship with My Dad?

How much you are able to influence your relationship with your dad depends on the situation and the reasons for your feelings of father hunger. In general, I believe most any relationships can grow stronger or more stable if:

• You feel a sense of physical and emotional safety that allows you to have contact with them or be around them
• Your father is also willing to put time and effort into building and maintaining a relationship with you
• You are able to acknowledge steps forward in your relationship, even if they’re small

If this describes your situation, I think it’s very likely you can improve your relationship with your dad.

How Can I Have a Better Relationship with My Father?

If you consider yourself in a place of safety when it comes to your dad, you can start taking small steps to improve your relationship. This could mean things like:

• Sending cards: Send your dad a brief note or card for birthdays and holidays.
• Calling on a regular basis: Try starting with once a month to see how your conversations go.
• Start getting together: If phone calls help you feel more comfortable talking to your dad regularly, and you are enjoying the conversations, you can start getting together for coffee or a meal. I would suggest every few months, or around an important occasion. Meet in a public place and set clear boundaries around your time, so you don’t have to prolong an experience for any longer than you feel comfortable doing.

Will My Relationship with My Dad Improve?

Without knowing you or your dad personally, it’s hard to say how your relationship will turn out. But I like to encourage people to remain hopeful in the face of relationship challenges. You may be able to remain more hopeful by:

• Praying about your relationship with your dad: Sometimes prayer helps us get our most raw and difficult feelings out in a place where we will never be judged, and we will always be loved. Praying and meditating on encouraging Bible verses may also help remind you of God’s unconditional love, which is often a great source of encouragement for people with tough family relationships.
• Celebrating little wins: Small victories (like a good phone call, a pleasant visit, or hearing from your dad a little more often) should be celebrated. You can be grateful for every step forward.
• Remembering he’s human: Sometimes your dad is going to make mistakes, even though he wants to rebuild a relationship. If you can, try to forgive your dad for the bumps in the road that may come up as you try to strengthen your relationship. Hopefully, he will be patient with you when you make mistakes, too. 

Who Can Help Me with Parent Relationships?

You can get support as you work toward a stronger relationship with your dad, starting here. TheHopeLine offers mentoring and support to improve family relationships of all types. Don’t wait if you feel overwhelmed by struggles in your relationship with your dad. Talk to a Hope Coach at TheHopeLine today.

Is struggling to forgive your dad getting in the way of having a better relationship with him? Find out if you should forgive and forget here. 

Family relationships can be difficult, especially when you are struggling to figure out your way as a young adult. I’ve had people come to me after they’ve made choices, they regret concerned about their parent relationships. They wonder, have I broken my parents’ hearts?

I hurt with you if you are wondering whether you’ve caused your parent's heartbreak. But I don’t want you to lose hope. There is hope for healing parent relationships, and there are steps you can take to reconnect with your parents if you feel you’ve disappointed them.

Focus on Responsibility (Not Shame)

When I’ve let someone, I love down, it’s easy for me to sink into feelings of shame. Maybe you’ve struggled with this after upsetting your parents. But shame can feel like a sinkhole. And it can get us stuck.

What helps me is to focus on responsibility. I can’t be responsible for someone else’s responses, their feelings about me, or how active they choose to be in a relationship with me.

What I can do is choose how I act, what I say, and how I decide to love that person every day.

The only thing you have control over when it comes to mending a relationship with your parents is your behavior and your thoughts and feelings towards them. As you make efforts to make amends and keep things positive, you may notice the relationship with your parents starting to heal.

Express Your Feelings

Telling your parents how you feel is an important part of the healing process for all of you. Tell them what you’ve been feeling about your relationship with them, and how you are willing to work on making things better. If you’re not sure how to improve things, you can always ask. It may help to say things like:

• I’m sorry I’ve hurt you. What can I do to make things better?
• Can I help you around the house this week? I’ve noticed you’re having a stressful time.
• I think I need help getting things on track. Would you support me reaching out to a counselor or mentor?

Hopefully your parents will recognize your efforts and support you in your growth and healing. That, in turn, can strengthen and heal your relationship over time.

If you still share a home with your parents, volunteering your time to help out at home, help them run errands, or helping take care of a younger sibling would likely mean a lot to them. You can also suggest spending quality time together. Sharing a meal, or watching a favorite movie together, is a great way to do that.

Remember You are Loved

When parent relationships are strained, it’s easy to feel alone or abandoned. But the truth is, you are loved. God loves you unconditionally and is always there to help you through even the most difficult seasons of your life. You have friends and other family members you can reach out to. And you can find a sense of connection and community at school, at your place of worship, or in a support group. Focusing on building other relationships may help you take some of the strain off a challenging relationship with your parents.

If you need extra encouragement, we are here to help. Chat with a HopeCoach from TheHopeLine for suggestions to strengthen and heal parent relationships. We are here for you, and we believe there is always hope for things to get better.

Are you having a problem with forgiving your parents? Read my blog on how God's love can help us forgive someone that has hurt us.