Do You Know Someone Struggling with Grief?

GRIEF. It is one of those emotions that we wish we could avoid, but we will all, undoubtedly, experience grief at some point in our life.

Since the experience of loss and grief is universal and will impact most everyone during their lifetime, I wanted to write about it today. I want to encourage anyone who is grieving that whatever you are feeling after a loss is O.K., you are not alone, and you will get through this.

If you have lost someone, I am so sorry for your loss. Allow yourself to let your emotions go. Please don’t bottle them up. I have heard it said like this, “It is not the grief you want to avoid; it is the pain. Grief is the way out of the pain.” These gut-wrenching, sometimes suffocating feelings you may be facing are signs that a deep connection has been severed. It is going to be painful. But grieving is necessary.

Taylor called my radio show a couple years after her mom died. She is dealing with many mixed emotions because she didn’t actually know her mom that well, but she still misses her. Taylor shares how some days she stays in bed and cries all day, but she knows she can’t let her grief control her life.

https://s3-us-west-2.amazonaws.com/thehopeline-media/Taylro+-+mom+drug+overdose.mp3

Perhaps you have read about the 5 stages of grief before, but I want to share them with you again. Each stage is important as they allow the human emotional immune system to resolve the loss.  However, the stages of grief aren’t always clear cut and there is no set time limit for each step. They simply act as a framework for healing. Do you find yourself in one of these stages?

How to Love Someone Grieving

Stage One: Denial, Numbness, and Shock

• The initial shock serves to protect the person from experiencing the intensity of the loss. Numbness and shock are normal in this stage and shouldn’t be confused with “lack of caring”.
• Denial or numbness can last anywhere from a minute to months, depending on the individual. As the person slowly begins to acknowledge the impact of the loss, disbelief will diminish.

Stage Two: Anger

• Anger is a necessary part of the grieving process. In this stage, one may feel helpless, abandoned or powerless as a result of the loss.
• Feelings of anger can act as a temporary structure to frame the loss and begin processing it. A grieving individual may also be angry at God, the person lost or in life in general.

Stage Three: Bargaining

Stage Four: Depression

• The bargaining stage often involves persistent thoughts about what could’ve been done to prevent the loss or ways there could have been a different outcome.
• If not properly resolved, the intense feelings of remorse or guilt may interfere with the healing process.

• Depression sets in after the true extent of the loss becomes reality. Feelings of loneliness, emptiness, isolation and self-pity often accompany this stage of grief. After a major loss, those dealing with depression tend to withdraw from life and be in a fog of intense sadness.
• Common physical symptoms of grief or depression may appear, including sleep or appetite disruption, a lack of energy and concentration, and crying spells.

Stage Five: Acceptance

• Over time, the grieving person may be able to come to terms with their emotions and accept that the loss has occurred. Healing can begin once the loss becomes integrated into the person’s set of life experiences.
• This stage is where one accepts that life is forever changed and must readjust to the new reality. This doesn’t mean forgetting the loss but rather rebuilding and beginning to reinvest in hobbies, friendships, new connections, etc.

It is important to know that enjoying life again does not mean that you no longer miss the person you lost. You are not somehow betraying them by moving on. Your grief has simply run its course.

However, it is also not wrong to keep their memory alive with a special object or planned occasion. Sometimes externalizing your loss in such a way can aid with your healing, especially during the holidays, when the hole left by the person you lost is felt more acutely again. Here are some ideas of what you could do:

• Light a candle for your loved one.
• A prayer before the Holiday dinner, about your loved one.
• Share a favorite story about your loved one.
• Have everyone tell a funny story about your loved one.

Perhaps as you are reading this blog you are thinking of a friend who has experienced great loss and you are not sure how to help them. You may even be avoiding the situation because you are afraid it will be awkward or that you will say the wrong thing. Let me assure you that the most important thing you can do is to just be there for them. There are no magic words to say to take away their pain. Your presence is enough. In an effort to make you more comfortable in these situations here are two lists…one is of things that are helpful to say, the other is of things to avoid saying.

The Best Things to Say to Someone in Grief:

1. I am so sorry for your loss.
2. I wish I had the right words; just know I care.
3. I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way I can.
4. You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers.
5. My favorite memory of your loved one is…
6. I am always just a phone call away
7. Give a hug instead of saying something
8. We all need help at times like this, I am here for you
9. I am usually up early or late, if you need anything
10. Say nothing, just be with the person

What to avoid saying to Someone in Grief:

1. At least she lived a long life, many people die young
2. He is in a better place
3. She brought this on herself
4. There is a reason for everything
5. Aren’t you over him yet, he has been dead for a while now
6. You can have another child still
7. She was such a good person God wanted her to be with him
8. I know how you feel
9. She did what she came here to do, and it was her time to go
10. Be strong
(Source: www.Grief.com)

Wyatt called into Dawson McAllister Live! seeking advice for how to help his best friend. A year has passed since his friend’s mom died and Wyatt has stood by his side, but now his friend is starting to act out. I let Wyatt know that after a year of “being there” for his friend, he has earned the right to speak the truth to him.

https://s3-us-west-2.amazonaws.com/thehopeline-media/Wyatt+-+16+-+Tulsa+OK+-+mom%27s+friend+died.mp3

As you walk this journey through grief know that God is near. Even if you are confused and feel alone, God will never abandon you. He says in the Bible “I will never leave you or forsake you.” He also tells us to “Cast all our cares on him.” Keep praying and ask others to pray for you as well and God will give you a peace that passes understanding.

We also have a partner, GriefShare, who is a caring support group of people who will walk alongside you through one of life's most difficult experiences.

What to Know About Sex Trafficking

Awareness Month Reminder - Sex Trafficking Happens

Every January we take the time to focus on the ever-important subject of sex trafficking so that you can stay aware and keep your friends and peers safe from its grasp. Yet every January, it’s clear that we still need to answer this question: is sex trafficking really a problem in my country? The answer is yes. Just because you haven’t spotted it in your school or community doesn’t mean it’s not there, whether you live in a city center or the rural outskirts.

In an article from 2017, Exodus Road reported that over 200,000 children and teenagers are victims of sex trafficking each year in the United States. And since sex trafficking is so tricky to identify, it’s a fair assumption that plenty more cases went unreported or even unnoticed. Long story short: trafficking is happening near you, perhaps even in your very own school. It’s going to take your eyes, ears, compassion, and bravery to stop it.

Trafficking Is Hard to Spot on Purpose

It’s estimated that human trafficking is a $150 billion industry each year, so it’s no wonder that traffickers are experts in the art of concealing their business and teaching their victims to stay under the radar. If they get caught, they stand to lose a lot of money, so their crimes are very well hidden. The person who sits next to you in homeroom, takes the same train as you do, or works the same after-school job could be keeping a secret that their life depends on. Victims of ongoing trafficking are often isolated from the rest of the world, sometimes physically, but more often by the lies or threats they hear from their abuser causing them to keep their secret and making them difficult to identify. These days, the vast majority of traffickers’ recruitment process, called “grooming,” is conducted online, and some victims are trafficked solely online via the sale of pornographic images. So, while you may imagine that victims are locked away in a basement somewhere, many are actually with you every day being coerced to do things online every night.

Many organizations are working on technology that can trace and identify all online traffickers. Yet it’s estimated that a mere 1% of trafficking victims are identified by law enforcement, let alone their abusers. The trafficking industry absolutely thrives on this level of anonymity.

Learn to Spot Potential Trafficking at School

It’s our job, then, to learn how to identify trafficking situations, especially in schools, regardless of how difficult a task that might be. How? By learning more about how trafficking works. As a student yourself, you get a closer look at the daily activities of your peers than anyone else, so your observations are a valuable asset to identifying potential trafficking situations.

• Understand who’s at the highest risk. While anyone can fall victim to trafficking, the most vulnerable communities are your peers of color and LGBTQ+, especially if they’ve ever been part of the foster care system. Other vulnerability factors are poverty, addiction, a history of abuse or violence, and not having a stable living situation. If you know anyone who’s run away from home, experiences homelessness, or shows signs of serious neglect, they’re at risk of being targeted by predators. By understanding who’s at risk, you can be more aware of the well-being of those around you.
• Understand the process and power dynamics. Traffickers are sneaky and very often good storytellers. They often lure young people into a trap by making grand promises, usually by pledging to give them better food, shelter, or safety than they have at home. Keep an ear open for stories like these: a girl in your class has left home to move in with a much older boyfriend, a guy on your team can suddenly afford expensive clothes or equipment, one of your classmates has an online relationship with a person who says they can give them a job as a model, etc.
• Know the signs. According to recent data, 75% of sex trafficking survivors report being sold online, which is often where grooming begins, so if you notice that a classmate’s been spending more time online, that could be a red flag that they’re being pulled into a trafficking scheme. Other red flags might be noticing that someone is often absent but has no explanation as to why they missed school, noticing someone is repeatedly dressed inappropriately for the weather (perhaps skimpy or revealing), noticing that someone is in poor health or regularly attends school with new bruises, noticing that a classmate struggles to make eye contact or can’t keep their story straight about where they live or who they live with, or noticing that a classmate is extremely private about their phone or has two phones. It’s also a red flag if a student is either addicted to or selling drugs to other students, as whoever is supplying them with those substances could be a trafficker or pimp.
• Understand how traffickers use social media. Here's an example of how a trafficker could use social media to groom a victim. They scroll social media looking for young people who look vulnerable for one reason or another (often looking for the risk factors mentioned above). Perhaps a student shares on social media a problem with their parents or friends, etc. The trafficker sends them a direct message building them up. They start to communicate. Then one night the student posts a picture at a home football game. The trafficker sees it and reaches out saying something like, "Hey! I see you are at the game tonight. I'm right in the neighborhood. We should meet. Come out to the parking lot." And the manipulation begins. Gifts, meals, love, care...whatever they need. Pretty soon the trafficker has used them, and they are under their control.
• Listen to the stories. Educate yourself. Every trafficking situation is unique, and traffickers get more creative every day. By listening to the stories of real sex-trafficking survivors like Christopher Bates and Hazel Fasthorse, you can be aware of your surroundings, the risks that face you and your peers, and the potential victims around you.

What Can You Do to Stop Trafficking?

So you know a lot more about sex trafficking than you did a few hundred words ago. Great! What now? Awareness is a good step, but how can you actually help? There are a few important ways you can equip yourself to make a difference, both at your school and in the larger fight to end human trafficking.

• Know how to report. If you notice signs of trafficking at school, do not approach or engage with the suspected victim directly. Talking to them could aggravate their trafficker and possibly result in further violence against the victim. Instead, tell a teacher and have them call the National Human Trafficking Hotline at 1-888-373-7888 to report the details of your suspicions. If, however, you witness an active human trafficking incident directly, it’s appropriate to call 911 immediately.
• Advocate and spread awareness. Make sure your friends, faculty, and administration understand how widespread and ongoing this really is and encourage them to become familiar with the signs. The more people on the lookout for trafficking, the more likely victims and their traffickers can be identified.
• Center survivors’ voices. Stories are powerful tools when it comes to fighting injustice! Do what you can to give a platform to the stories survivors are sharing. Only they can truly fathom and communicate what the world of trafficking holds and how it can be stopped.
• Consider inviting organizations to do a presentation at your school. For example, you could invite an organization like our partner, Unchained.  They also offer professional training for school staff and volunteer opportunities for those looking to dive deeper into the fight against human trafficking, including ways you can support survivors. The Polaris Project also offers several options for those who want to take action.

Most importantly, don’t let January be the only time you think about the problem of human trafficking. It’s great that we take this time each year to call attention to the problem but remember - victims of trafficking are being deprived of their freedom 365 days out of the year. At TheHopeLine, we believe Jesus Christ died so that we might all be free of sin and shame, which unequivocally includes freedom from the exploitation of human trafficking. Let’s continue to fight for that freedom!

Does sex trafficking really happen in the United States? Learn more about sex trafficking myths and how to identify a potential victim.

How to Handle Grieving a Loved One

How to Grieve a Loved One

Have you ever had someone who was very close to you die? Maybe it was a brother or sister, a parent, a grandparent, or even a close friend. The death of a loved one is very difficult, and everyone, at some time, will have to go through this painful experience. And the grief usually hits you in a way you least expect it, flooding you with overwhelming feelings you never realized you had. Have you lost someone special in your life? How did it affect you?

Are You Struggling with The Death of Someone You Love?

Richard wrote, "I lost my first love (Kelly) at age 15. We did everything together. Kelly died on the same road I lived on at the time. That has been 7 or 8 years ago and I'm still not over her. I feel lonely and hurt without her. Life isn't the same. As I lay down to sleep at night and close my eyes, I still see her beautiful smile. At times I feel like I can't go on with life. All I think about is being with Kelly."

Richard can't imagine life without Kelly, even though the reality is that she has been gone for quite some time. Richard appears to be in deep denial. Denial is one of the ways people attempt to deal with the death of someone they love.

This is what Reagan said she did to deal with the death of her uncle. "My uncle passed away on Halloween 2009 and to this day I haven't accepted the fact that he's gone, he meant the world to me. He was like a father to me, and I wanted him to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day."

The biggest hurdle you're going to face is getting trapped in how horrible you feel. That's natural and it may take time to get past those feelings. But be careful, because before you know it, you'll find yourself defining yourself by your misery. The better choice will be to focus on taking care of yourself and dealing with your grief in a more healthy and productive way.

What are some healthy ways to deal with your sadness and grief over the death of someone close to you?

1. Find somebody who you trust and talk with them about how the death is making you feel. Don't try to carry it all by yourself. Elizabeth wrote: I've mostly talked it out, etc. It's been nine years since my dad's passing. It'll never completely go away. If you keep your feelings locked up inside, you'll only increase the stress you are under.

2. Look for other people who have experienced similar losses and hear their story. Learn from them about how they have dealt with death and loss. You can learn a lot from others who have had similar experiences; they have already been there and can prepare you for what's ahead.

3. Try to remember good memories about the person who died. This will help you reflect on the fact that their life had purpose and had a huge impact on your life. Enjoy reflecting on the good about them. The way they made you laugh. The way they cared for others. The good they brought to the world.

4. Don't be afraid to express your emotions. It's normal to cry. It's actually a really good physical and emotional response to help you cope with your loss. If you haven't cried, or don't feel like you can, try expressing your emotions in other ways, like through writing, painting, music, or even exercising. There are many healthy ways you can help get your grief out. Teresa wrote: We removed life support on our 5 yr old daughter and my husband and I felt we made the most loving decision of our lives. Even though it has been 18 years I have good days and bad days and crying mostly helps.

5. Find ways to help other people. One of the best ways to get your mind off your grief is by giving away your time to other people. You can find ways to help people with anything they need. Sometimes just giving someone a listening ear is very valuable.

It is Hard, but It Can Get Better

Realize, in time, you will feel better. A while back I was introduced to a woman whose son died two months earlier. I began to tell her how terrible I felt about her situation. She looked at me and said, "It is hard, but it is getting better." I never forgot what she said. On the one hand, she agreed her experience was very difficult. Yet on the other, she was acknowledging that healing was taking place.

The pain you are feeling right now is real and valid. However, as time goes on you can allow your pain to do one of two things: You can let it turn you into a depressed, self-centered person, or you can let it make you into a compassionate person, capable of being sympathetic to others going through their own difficult times. I hope you would choose the compassionate route. I imagine your loved one would hope for the same.

Healing takes time and it cannot be rushed. Yet we can comfort ourselves by knowing, in time, it will get better. And if you let it, it will make you into a deeper, more loving person.

As you walk through this journey of loss and grief, God has not left you. He is there to bring you strength and comfort. He often brings comfort through the people he puts around you. Look for how God is at work in your life and cry out to Him when you feel lost. He loves you and longs for you to bring your hurt and your heart to him. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

GriefShare has caring support groups throughout the country of people who have also experienced loss and will walk alongside you through one of life's most difficult experiences.

How Porn and Sex Trafficking Are Linked

What to Know About Porn and Sex Trafficking

Many people justify their consumption of pornography as a victimless indulgence. After all, the thinking goes, the women are consenting adults, this is how they are choosing to make some money? But what if they're not choosing? What if they're not consenting, and aren't even adults? The huge amount of money involved in the "adult entertainment" industry has proved irresistible to organized crime, pimps, and other illegal profiteers. Sex trafficking is not just providing unwilling prostitutes around the world. It's also responsible for "casting" pornographic movies all over the world.

"Justice will not be served until those who are unaffected are as outraged as those who are.” – Benjamin Franklin

What is Sex Trafficking?

Sex traffickers seek out vulnerable boys, girls, and women and lure them, or outright kidnap them, and remove them from their friends and family and force them into performing sex acts and sexual slavery. Most victims find themselves in abusive situations from which escape is both difficult and dangerous. These predators use everything from drugs, physical and sexual abuse, lies, psychological manipulation, and actual imprisonment to get their victims to do what they want.

https://youtu.be/pIxdnnxqK6o?si=eghHsDbAMi490hRN

Often victims are illegally taken across international borders. These people then have to worry about the police and getting arrested and/or imprisoned in a foreign country, whose prisons are not nearly as accommodating as those in the United States. This fear of law enforcement prevents them from getting help even when they have the chance to escape.

Sex traffickers are pernicious criminals that exploit their victims for profit. While organized crime and terrorist organizations play major roles in sex trafficking, local criminals such as pimps and madams also play a role. In a growing number of instances, even schoolmates are playing a major role in entrapping classmates in order to “sell them to others.

How Does Sex Trafficking Interact with Pornography?

Sex traffickers are not particular about the source of their income. Not all victims of sex trafficking are solely used in prostitution or as sex slaves to paying customers. Pornography allows these predators to make money several times from one film. Taking just a few hours to create a low-budget film where they don’t have to pay the “actresses”, gives the criminals another income stream.

Sex trafficking and pornography often have a symbiotic relationship with pornography outlets in constant need of new products and sex traffickers having a steady supply of “talent”. Sex traffickers are not particular about the age of their victims and often use children in these films. While sex trafficking is often thought to be a big problem in third-world countries, it is the money from industrialized countries that allows sex trafficking to flourish. Contrary to popular belief, the United States is a major perpetrator of sex trafficking crimes.

Most pornographic films are sold to sites that make money from advertising revenue. When you are watching pornography, you have no way of knowing the source of the film. Based on the numbers of these films that are being produced with the cooperation of sex traffickers, any viewer of pornography has probably unwittingly funneled money into sex trafficking. Thus, not only supporting the sex trafficking crime, but creating higher demand for these crimes to be committed so further pornography can be consumed.

The more money sex traffickers make, the more they will expand. The more victims they will seek. The more young girls and boys they will kidnap, entrap, in prison and violate.

Pornography is not a victimless indulgence. An ever-increasingly large amount of the world’s pornography is made through sex trafficking. Watching porn is giving money to criminals who kidnap, rape, torture, and kill. Lives are destroyed because of the demand for pornography, sex trades and sexual abuse.

“People were created to be loved. Things were created to be used. The reason why the world is in chaos is because things are being loved and people are being used.” – Unknown

Feeling anxiety is hard enough without having to talk about it. Sometimes, talking about anxiety can even make you feel more anxious! How is that fair? It’s not, but the truth is that sharing your struggles with someone you trust may be one of the best steps forward on a path toward finding freedom from your anxiety problems. But who should you talk to? Who is close to you, wants to help you, and has the power to get you the help you need? For a lot of our readers, the answer to this question is: your parents.

Whether you want to talk to your parents about your anxiety or not, sharing what you’re going through with them is usually a good idea. Though we don’t always feel this way (or believe it), our parents (usually) love us and want the best for us. Talking to them about your problem could be a source of much needed support. It may also be necessary for you to get access to certain resources. For example, if you are in high school or college, which means you may not yet be 18 years old, you may not be able to see a doctor without the consent of your parents or their insurance. If, however, you have such a poor relationship with your parents or legal guardians that you feel it would be dangerous or detrimental to your mental health to discuss the topic of anxiety with them, there are other people you can talk to. Reach out to TheHopeLine today for connection to resources that can help you.

How to Talk About Anxiety

How to Bring Up Anxiety with Your Parents

Once you’ve decided to talk to someone about your anxiety, whether it’s your parents or not, how are you going to broach the subject? It’s not exactly one of those topics you can just bring up mid-grocery shop… or maybe it is! Only you can sense how your parents are going to react when you bring up the subject of your mental health, so take a look at a few ways you could start the conversation, based on how open you think they’ll be.

• “You know how you’ve talked about your mental health before? Can I talk to you about mine? I’ve been feeling anxious a lot, more than I think is normal.”
• “We’ve never really talked about this before, but you seemed to understand when [family/friend/acquaintance] went through some struggles with her mental health… Do you think you could listen to me talk about my anxiety for a minute? It’s gotten bad enough that I need you to hear me out.”
• “I know you don’t believe in a lot of these mental health disorders. I’ve heard you say things that make me feel like I can’t talk to you about this, but I really need to have a conversation with you about anxiety. I’m not doing great, and I need your help fixing it.”

Choose a moment when you can be alone with your parents to minimize distractions and make it clear to them that this is going to be an important conversation. If they react well, you can proceed with the conversation right then and there! It’s also okay to ask them to set up a later time you can meet with them if you or they need to prepare mentally and emotionally for the subject. Once you’ve done this part, congratulations! Bringing it up is often the hardest part of these conversations, and you’ve shown bravery and self-esteem by doing this. Don’t forget to take a moment to be proud of yourself.

How to Address Your Parents Questions

Once you tell your parents you have been struggling with anxiety, it’s likely that they’re going to have some questions. That’s fair! Recognize that it’s a big deal to find out that your child is struggling, so your parents might have to process some emotions too. They might feel guilty, angry, sad, scared, etc. The important thing is to make sure you separate their emotions from yours in this moment and remember that their feelings about your anxiety are not your responsibility. If they need some time to calm down before your conversation can proceed, try saying something like this:

• “I understand this might be scary to hear, but I need your help, not your panic. Can you let me know when you’re ready to talk about this?”
• “I can’t help that this is the way I’m feeling. I’m sorry that it makes you feel ___, but the reality remains the same: I’m struggling with anxiety. Your reaction to this is one of the reasons I’ve waited so long to talk about it with you. I really need your support right now, so when you’re ready to help me, let’s talk.”
• “I’m scared too. I need my Mom/Dad right now, not more fear. Please tell me you can help me figure this out.”

When your parents are ready to talk, their questions are going to include everything from the first time you realized you might have anxiety to the most recent episode that led you to discuss the matter with them. Be as specific as you can when you describe your experience to them. If you’ve had anxiety or panic attacks, tell them, especially if they may have unknowingly witnessed one. If you know some of your triggers and stressors, talk about those too. Honesty and detail are really helpful in these discussions because the more clear a picture you can give them, the more they’ll be able to understand your predicament. If, however, their questions become aggressive, accusatory, or non-supportive, you are allowed to stop answering them. Try bringing the conversation back to a productive place by saying something like this:

• “I feel like you’re interrogating me instead of trying to help me. Can you ease up on me a bit?”
• “I know this isn’t exactly a fun topic, but the volume and tone of your voice are making this worse. I haven’t done anything wrong. In fact, I’ve come to you for help. Can you please be more kind right now?”
• “I’m getting tired, and I think we could use a break. Can we talk more about this later when we’re both more rested and rational?”

Again, congratulations. You should be very proud of yourself for having this chat with your parents. Asking for help is difficult, especially for those of us with anxiety! You’re another step closer to healing your anxious mind.

Ask Your Parents for What You Need

Remember that you decided to talk to your parents about this for a reason: to get more help than you had before. After you’ve addressed the problems, ask your parents to help you find a solution. If you know what you want, tell them very clearly what that is, whether that be therapy, medication, a change in schools, etc. Explain why you think these changes will help you, and ask them if they have new ideas to offer. Keep in mind that there’s no magical cure for anxiety, so your parents aren’t going to be able to snap their fingers and rid your mind of anxious thoughts right away. This is going to take time and patience.

If you’re not sure how to ask your parents for what you need, try phrasing it in one of the following ways:

• “I’ve been doing a lot of research on my own, and I think a proper diagnosis is the first step to figuring this out. Can we make an appointment to see my doctor?”
• “A lot of the factors that cause my anxiety are coming from [school/work/family] stress. Can we make a change there, and see if that helps? What would it take to change schools/my job/our family dynamics?”
• “I’ve done lots of reading about this, and I think if you looked at the research, you’d understand what I need. Can you please look at these verified resources before you give me an answer about solutions to my problem?”

If you and your parents aren’t sure where to look for solutions to your anxiety struggles, counseling is always a good start. You can look at our list of partner organizations or search for a family counselor through Focus on the Family to find a good fit.

Embrace a Hopeful Outlook

It’s normal to feel a little stuck when you’ve been battling anxiety. You may be exhausted from the daily struggle, but we promise, you aren’t trapped. There are so many tools available to help you combat this monster in your brain, and we can help you find them! Start with The Rooted Fruit’s tips for controlling anxiety and talk to your parents about helping you find a counselor or doctor to work with you. With these resources, you have every reason to believe that you can learn to manage your anxiety, and for those moments when it’s just too overwhelming to believe in a better future, look to these promises from God. He does not intend for you to live under the constant burden of anxious thoughts. You CAN be free of them! If you’re struggling to see that hope, or if you’re not sure your parents will be supportive when you talk to them, reach out to us at TheHopeLine today. We’d love to help you practice this conversation or help you find other resources as you bravely combat your anxiety symptoms.

If you struggle with anxiety, you may have experienced a panic attack. Here are 25 grounding techniques that have proven as an effective way to cope with a panic attack.

 

It’s that time of year again when we begin wrapping up and reflecting on our biggest accomplishments of the year. In those moments of reflection, some of us may tend to find flaws in ourselves and begin to create lofty goals that are difficult to reach in the new year. While the new year is a fresh start full of opportunities, there is often immense pressure to achieve better versions of ourselves.

What to Know About New Year's Resolutions and Mental Health

How Do New Year’s Resolutions Affect Mental Health?

Unrealistic New Year's Resolutions

Unfortunately, there is an unspoken rule that resolutions should be all or nothing extremities. Our competitive culture has instilled in us this idea of punishing ourselves if we don’t succeed at something, and ultimately, we can end up hurting ourselves more. This pressure to perform well and achieve these unreasonable goals might lead us to fail more than it does to help us succeed. Studies have shown that only eight percent of people who make a New Year’s resolution will follow through all year, and 80 percent of people quit by February. Some reasons that lead people to fail at keeping their goals moving forward include existing extremities (all or nothing behavior), having little or no accountability, or setting goals that are not measurable.

The issue with these types of goals is that they can lead to some degree of self-sabotage before you realize it. The idea is that we shoot for the stars, but life doesn’t always work that way. If you don’t ease your way into your goals, you might find yourself failing more. When we fail, it might impact our mental health in negative ways and can perpetuate a cycle of slipping back into old habits.

Creating Healthy New Year's Resolutions 

You can create healthy resolutions by following these steps:

• Be reasonable. Expect yourself to fail at times, and know that results might be slow-moving. Understand that life happens and things can get in the way of your goals, so try to ensure your goals are healthy and can be achieved without harming your physical or mental health.
• Create a timeline. Try to avoid being rigid in your timeline, and understand that your timeline should not be compared to anyone else’s. It will be more proactive and productive to make small, incremental goals instead of extreme expectations.
• Monitor progress. Understand that nothing changes overnight, so it might be helpful to find an accountability partner to help you monitor progress. Keep a journal to acknowledge your feelings regarding your progress, and document your feelings about your goals and what obstacles you face.
• Allow flexibility. Offer yourself flexibility and give yourself grace. If you don’t do well this month, try again next month! Instead of trying to set goals that might not benefit your mental health, find activities that make you happy instead.

The new year does not have to be a brand new you. Take the time to do something fun and adventurous, and prioritize your health over punishing yourself. If you find yourself struggling in giving yourself grace and putting pressure on yourself, it may be time to reach out to a mental health professional. They can provide more tools on ways to set goals and how to create healthy boundaries with yourself.

You don't have to go through this alone. To talk about what is going on, chat online with a Hope Coach at TheHopeLine.com. 

Martha Bowman is the Manager of Adult and Family Services at Centerstone, a not-for-profit health system specializing in mental health and substance use disorders. This blog was originally posted here.

If you are looking for a way to destress the new year transition, take a look at these ideas to find clarity and rest as you move into the new year.

Pornography is a hotly debated subject in today’s society. There are folks with loud opinions on both sides of that argument, from those who say you ought to be free to explore your sexuality in whatever way pleases you to those who feel that watching five minutes of porn will land you an eternity in fiery pits of hell. So… what are you supposed to think? Let’s start with the fact that you clicked on this article, which means you have either watched or are considering consuming pornography and are feeling unsure about whether it’s the right decision. There are a lot of good reasons for you to be careful of pornography, as research shows that it’s highly addictive as well as linked to feelings of loneliness and depression, not to mention the damage it can cause within your relationships. Let’s take a look at a few reasons to rethink consuming pornography.

How Does Porn Impact Your Mental Health

The Link Between Porn and Your Mental Health

All other factors aside, the biggest problem with using pornography is the same problem with any other addictive behavior or substance: at its core, it’s an escape from reality. The reality may be that you’re bored, you’re lonely, you’re unhappy with your partner, or you’re simply after the boost of dopamine that watching something graphic can give you. Regardless, it’s never healthy to repeatedly escape your circumstances rather than confront them head-on. Running to that escape over and over will undoubtedly take a toll on your mental health.

Experts have noted that many people with porn addictions have likely returned to pornography so often because they already battled with depression, whether they knew it or not. Because of the dopamine and serotonin your body produces when it’s aroused, consuming pornography may become a form of self-medication. Unfortunately, as with drug addiction, your brain also becomes desensitized to pornography over time, forcing the user to watch more often and longer in order to achieve the same feeling of comfort as before. This leads to the consumer dedicating more and more of their time to pornography, isolating themselves from friends in family, taking risks in order to watch it in public or at work, losing interest or attraction toward their actual romantic partners, and thinking constantly about their next “fix” or opportunity to consume pornography. The person addicted to pornography essentially becomes more and more isolated, and isolation is incredibly detrimental to our mental state and to our relationships because it creates emotional distance when the exact opposite, emotional intimacy, is often a core need for the user in the first place.

Other Potentially Harmful Factors of Pornography Use

Most porn is a reenactment of someone’s sexual fantasies, and while a certain amount of sexual curiosity is healthy and normal for the average adult, not all sexual fantasies are harmless. Do your research on the link between human trafficking and the underground pornography scene, and ask yourself if the content you’ve consumed may have been filmed nonconsensually. Sadly, there is so much money to be made in the pornography industry that there are those who force kidnapped or underprivileged subjects to perform for the camera whether they want to or not, and you should be extremely mindful of the possibility that while you’re viewing a “scene,” the person holding the camera is threatening the life of the actor.

Even perfectly legal porn sites will offer different genres of pornography, many of them violent or purposefully pretending that one or more of the actors is underaged. Whether the performers are consenting adults or not, it’s also harmful to your brain to become desensitized to sexual violence and the idea of sexual attraction to a minor. There have absolutely been reported cases of sexual assault of a child due to the assailant’s consumption of porn that fetishizes children. Again, you need to ask yourself, why in the world do you need to watch something that sexualizes children and/or violent behavior? You run the risk of becoming desensitized to that in the future, which is ultimately a mental health issue, because it decreases your capacity for empathy and connection.

Spiritual Perspective

The Bible also warns about feeding your mind what’s healthy for you and your relationships, saying that “food is meant for the stomach and the stomach for food” because even if something is lawful, it’s not necessarily good for you. Along those lines, pornography is often both legal and readily available, but that doesn’t mean it’s the healthiest choice for your brain or for your relationships. Jesus himself remarks a person looking at someone lustfully has “committed adultery in his heart,” which aligns with what other research warns about pornography use causing emotional distance between you and your partner. 

The Bible is also clear, however, that we have help when it comes to temptation and will never be faced with more than we can handle. And for those who do continue to struggle, there is forgiveness and redemption through God’s grace. Don’t be discouraged if your struggle with pornography addiction is ongoing, and reach out to someone at TheHopeLine if you want to talk more about how to stop and what God’s forgiveness looks like.

Replace the Habit With a Healthy One

Now that you know the risks involved in consuming pornography, the question becomes, what do you do with these feelings and urges? First, don’t despair! You are not alone in the desire for physical and emotional intimacy, nor is it abnormal to be curious about sex. You are NOT a bad person. Instead of feeling ashamed of yourself, go to a counselor, either at school or with the help of your parents, and talk to them about what drove you to pornography in the first place. Talking to someone, rather than keeping this struggle a secret, can make the whole issue feel less overwhelming.

Even if you talk to someone, you’ll probably still get the urge to return to porn. One article on PsychologyToday refers to a reliance on pornography as a “maladaptive coping strategy,” which means that it has become a crutch for the user to lean on rather than healthily dealing with feelings of emotional distress. In addition to seeking accountability, counseling, and support, it may also be helpful for you to choose a healthy habit or two that you could turn to when you inevitably feel the urge to consume pornography. Here are a few ideas of behaviors you can replace a pornography habit with:

• Exercise or play a sport. Not only would this be a good distraction, but it’s also good for your mental health. An increase in endorphins helps fight depression, and the social aspect of most sports can help you feel less lonely and isolated.
• Start a “side hustle.” Do you have a hobby or a subject in school you’re really good at? Make a website, an Etsy shop, or put up fliers. Sell your products or offer tutoring services. It’ll take up a lot of your time, you’ll meet new people, and you might even make a little spending money while you’re at it.
• Volunteer at a local shelter or investigate organizations that help to fight human trafficking. Give back to the community, and devote the time you used to spend online to help people who are struggling to get by.

Build an arsenal of defensive maneuvers so that whenever you hear that old familiar voice calling you to put your computer on “Incognito Mode,” you have a friend you can call, a support group you can trust, and another activity you can choose to do instead.

Go Easy on Yourself

You are human, and to be human is to have imperfections. Whether your vice is drug addiction, pornography addiction, binge eating, or caring too much about what people think of you, you are worthy of love. At TheHopeLine, you can talk with someone who will treat you with love and kindness, regardless of what questions you have to ask, so reach out to us today if you’re still struggling with your thoughts on pornography and mental health.

People can wind up trapped in porn through many different ways. Here are 6 lies pornography tells us. 

How to Grieve Over the Holidays

First Holiday Without Mom or Dad

Losing a parent is never easy, but the first Christmas after the death of someone you love is a special kind of difficult. During a time when jingling bells and twinkling lights are supposed to make you smile, you can’t help but be constantly reminded of who’s missing and the pain of that loss. Gift giving, carol singing, cookie baking… every tradition feels tainted by this tragedy, seemingly forever. Will you ever be able to enjoy the holidays again? Maybe you feel guilty for even wanting to feel that joy.

While there’s no rulebook when it comes to processing grief during the holidays, we do have some recommendations on how to survive this season. 

Acknowledge the Loss

First and foremost, it’s okay that you’re struggling. We’re often tempted to dismiss or suppress negative emotions during this time because of the expectations that this is a happy time, especially if you’re trying to be “strong” for other grieving family members. Let that pressure go! Don’t ignore your grief. Feel all your feelings, whatever they might be. You’re allowed to be sad, angry, anxious, annoyed… all at once! You never have to pretend otherwise. You’ve been through something tragic, and disregarding that is not fair to you. Whenever you need to acknowledge that your parent is gone. Say it out loud. You won’t ruin Christmas by doing so. It’s the truth, and it’s also the truth that the holidays are happening with or without the people who’ve passed away. Only by accepting the situation, not by denying or avoiding it, can you process and heal.

Listen to our live call with Jamie who is depressed and grieving her mom and grandma who have passed away. Her grief weighs heavily on her during the holidays.

Take It Easy

Don’t overdo it this year. It’s okay not to go to every party or to leave early from the ones you do attend. It’s okay to tell friends and family you’re not able to do certain traditions, trips, or activities. Grief takes a toll on our minds and bodies, so you might feel extra tired, irritable, weepy, etc. You don’t have to make a million cookies. You don’t have to get a picture with Santa. You don’t have to watch every Christmas movie. Instead of a massive group outing to the drive-through light festival, perhaps this year you can just go on a walk with your dog to check out your neighborhood’s decorations. Instead of laboring away on individualized DIY gifts for everyone, maybe this is the year it’s okay to just give folks Starbucks gift cards. Make things easier for yourself so that you have the time and space to rest, recover, and reflect on what you’ve lost and what the holidays look like without your parent.

Surround Yourself With Support

This is the time to cling to your community. Spend as much time as you can with family and friends who are also feeling the loss of your parent, so that they will understand when you need to express your grief. Your siblings, your parent’s spouse, your extended family, and your closest friends should all comprehend that this holiday is a difficult one, and together you can hold space for one another’s feelings without judgment. You’ll have shoulders to cry on when you need one, but don’t be afraid to enjoy each other’s company too. There’s plenty of room in the human heart for both grief and joy, so if surrounding yourself with loved ones happens to bring a smile to your face, let it happen. You’re not betraying the pain you’re in by having a moment of happiness too.

If you aren’t getting the support you need from the people in your life, or if the death of your parent left you alone for the holidays, reach out to a support group or church in your neighborhood. You don’t have to experience this difficult time all by yourself! There are always kind people nearby who are willing to give of their time and other resources for those who are in pain. If you aren’t ready to venture out into your community, or if you aren’t sure where to start, check out TheHopeLine, where you can always chat with someone who’ll treat you with compassion and respect.

Make the Holiday Your Own

It’s tough to know how to cope with Christmas after a death… it’s a holiday filled with traditions, but how can we be expected to participate or enjoy those traditions without someone who helped create them? Losing a parent can make every Christmas ritual we love feel ruined. So what if you tried changing things up, making new traditions, or tweaking the ones you already have in order to acknowledge what’s different this year? Check out these ways to honor your parent’s absence and make festivities your own:

• Include your parent in the important events. If it feels strange to decorate the house without them, choose a new decoration that represents them. It could be an ornament with their photo on it, or it could be a candle on the mantle. Whatever it is, let it be a reminder of their presence in your heart so that you know you’re free to celebrate the season having honored them.
• Take a moment at a family gathering to acknowledge your loss. Propose a toast, say a prayer, or tell a story about your parent. Dedicating a few minutes to talking about what’s different this Christmas can give everyone the opportunity to feel their grief before diving into the festivities, and it may help you feel better about enjoying yourself too.
• Acknowledge their favorite tradition. Whether your parent had a favorite Christmas cookie cutter or always made a big deal about going to a certain restaurant every year, pick something that used to be traditional and reminds you of them. Now, to acknowledge this tradition, you can either retire it, like they do with famous jersey numbers in some sports, or you can nominate someone to carry on the legacy of it. This might look like displaying their favorite holiday mug as a decoration, rather than letting folks drink out of it anymore. Or it could look like nominating your little brother to be in charge of organizing your dad’s favorite gift exchange party in future years. The point is to take something that reminds you of your parent and change the way it’s done, making it new or immortalizing it for the family.
• Give back to the community in some way. Does your family have a charitable cause that’s close to your hearts? Or did the parent you lost feel strongly about any organizations? You and your family could start a new tradition of volunteering at a local shelter each year in honor of your lost loved one, or you could agree to donate the funds you would have spent on gifts for your parent. This creates a new tradition and establishes a legacy of kindness and giving in their honor.
• Do something completely out of the ordinary. While honoring the person you’ve lost is all well and good, sometimes the pain of a loss is too great or too recent to imagine doing anything remotely Christmas-y. If you’re in that headspace, it’s time to think outside of the box. Go on a trip! Have a marathon of your favorite movies! Head to an amusement park and ride roller coasters! Pick something that you’d never imagined doing on Christmas Day and do that instead of the traditional activities. Maybe next year you’ll be able to fathom returning to some of your holiday favorites, but if you need a year off to process your grief, that’s okay too.

Love, Joy, Peace

You’ve lost someone important to you, and we could not be more sorry for the pain that you’re going through. We listen to people process difficult feelings every day of the year, but we know that the holidays make it even more difficult. In this dark time, it’s important for us to remember why we celebrate Christmas in the first place, and no, it’s not to rub your pain in your face at this vulnerable time. As hard as it may be to see it right now, this time of year is about hope and celebrating the promise of joy and peace that Christ’s birth represents for mankind. If hope is the last thing on your mind right now, we get it, and we don’t think you should have to feel that way alone. Reach out to TheHopeLine today, and we’ll sit with you in your grief this Christmas season.

How to Grieve a Parent's Suicide

If you’ve lost a parent to suicide, we are so sorry. Your pain is unimaginable, and though we won’t claim to fully understand what you’re going through, we do want you to know that you’re not alone. We’re here for you and ready to listen without judgment no matter what stage of grief you’re in. You can reach out to a Hope Coach right now, or you can just read this article. We hope it helps you to process what you’re going through

Your Feels Are Valid

Whatever you’re feeling in the wake of your parent’s suicide, it’s perfectly normal. This is such a traumatic event that your emotions have been thrown off balance, and you might move from feeling seven things at once to nothing at all in the span of five minutes. As much as possible, try to give yourself the space to have these feelings. Ignoring or denying them won’t change what’s happened or make the feelings go away. You’ll have to process this eventually, and the sooner you do, the sooner you can start the grieving process.

Feelings that are common among suicide loss survivors are:

Despair. You’ve lost someone close to you. Not only that, but they were in such a bad mental state that they took their own life. Deep sadness is a reasonable reaction to both the loss and the way the loss occurred. Let yourself cry, sob, wail, and lament.

Anger. You might blame someone for this death. Yourself, your parent’s partner, or even your own parent for taking their own life. Maybe you’re even angry with God letting this happen. It’s normal to feel angry when something happens that you don’t understand. Find a healthy way to express your anger, rather than shoving it down. Go for an intense run, write letters in a journal to whomever you’re angry with, or make mashed potatoes… mashing potatoes by hand is a pretty good way to get out anger. 

Guilt. You may feel responsible for your parent’s death, and that’s a heavy burden to bear. Acknowledge this feeling, but make sure to remind yourself that you did not physically take your parent’s life. You are not responsible for their death, even if you do wish you’d visited, called, or been kinder to them. At the end of the day, this was their decision and their decision alone. It is NOT your fault.

Shame. You may not want anyone to know what’s happened because of the stigma attached to suicide, or you may think you’re a “bad child” to have “allowed” this to happen. Again, allow yourself to feel the feeling, but remember that your parent’s actions are no reflection on who you are.

Confusion. You may not fully comprehend what’s happened. One minute your parent was a phone call or text message away and the next… how is that even possible? Why would they do such a thing? Do a little reading about suicide. It may help you understand what, why, and how this has happened.

Rejection. You may feel that your parent abandoned you. That they decided you weren’t worth sticking around for. It’s important to remember that your parent’s decision had nothing to do with you and everything to do with their mental state.

Fear. You may worry that your mental health will become like theirs, or that you’re destined to commit suicide someday too. Research may be helpful in this area too. There’s no reason that you can’t go on to live a full, healthy life after this.

Denial. You may not be able to accept what’s happened. Maybe you suspect foul play or you think your parent only ran away. Ask the questions you need to ask, but ultimately, you have to accept this loss before you can begin to move on.

Anxiety. You may be flooded with so many feelings at once that you can’t sit still or sleep. This is completely normal. If it goes on for more than a few days, talk to a professional about getting some help with the symptoms.

Relief. If your parent was suffering or if your relationship with them was rocky, you may be silently glad that it’s finally over. You may feel guilty as soon as you have that feeling of relief, but again, this is normal. You’re not the first child to have a complicated relationship with a parent, and it doesn’t make you a bad person if you’ve felt a bit relieved.

Shock. Maybe you were blindsided. Perhaps you never saw this coming because you never imagined your parent could do this. Breathe. Shock is also normal. Give yourself time.

Loneliness. You miss your parent. Or you feel isolated because nobody could possibly understand what you’re going through. Lean on your other family members right now or find a support group for others who’ve lost loved ones to suicide. There are people out there who understand what you’re going through, and isolation is not a good idea for you at a time like this.

Allow yourself to feel these feelings and any others that may pop up in this troubling time.

Take Care of Your Mental Health

When you experience something traumatic, it’s normal for our mental health to take a turn for the worse. Survivors of a suicide loss commonly experience symptoms of conditions like depression, anxiety, and PTSD, all of which make the grieving process even more difficult. Don’t force yourself to go through this alone. Find a professional counselor or therapist or a support group to help you carry the burden of all these feelings. In the wake of any death, especially one this traumatic, you may be tempted to put on a brave face and “be strong,” especially if you have siblings or other family members who are struggling, but there’s nothing strong about ignoring your own feelings. Remember: your parent’s decline in mental health resulted in their death, so there’s no better time than now to start making yours a top priority.

Begin the Grieving Process

Grief is grief. It follows any loss, and it takes time for anyone to heal from a loss as big as this one. Some of this grief will be immediate: crying a lot, needing to cancel plans to be with family, feeling unable to go to work or school, losing your appetite, sleeping more or less than usual. As time passes and the world around you returns to “normal,” you’ll be faced with carrying your grief with you as you go back to the activities you used to do. Take it slow and lean on your support system. Nobody expects your feelings to go away after a certain amount of time. There’s no deadline for “getting over” the suicide of a parent. 

Let yourself have some fun, too. Try doing something you’ll enjoy each and every day, just to keep that emotion in good working condition. Remember that it’s no crime to feel joy, even after a loss like this. Your grief and your joy can coexist, even if your grief is taking up a bit more room in your heart for now. Eventually, maybe months or years from now, you’ll realize that your grief needs less and less room, takes up less and less time. But for now, it’s absolutely okay to be in full grief mode. Remember to reach out to TheHopeLine if you need someone to listen to you or simply sit with you in your grief. We also partner with GriefShare, and they can get you connected to a support group near you. You’re not alone in this.

The traumatic experience of losing a loved one to suicide is very different than losing a loved one another way. Here are 6 emotions survivors of suicide loss face.