How to Grieve a Parent's Suicide

If you’ve lost a parent to suicide, we are so sorry. Your pain is unimaginable, and though we won’t claim to fully understand what you’re going through, we do want you to know that you’re not alone. We’re here for you and ready to listen without judgment no matter what stage of grief you’re in. You can reach out to a Hope Coach right now, or you can just read this article. We hope it helps you to process what you’re going through

Your Feels Are Valid

Whatever you’re feeling in the wake of your parent’s suicide, it’s perfectly normal. This is such a traumatic event that your emotions have been thrown off balance, and you might move from feeling seven things at once to nothing at all in the span of five minutes. As much as possible, try to give yourself the space to have these feelings. Ignoring or denying them won’t change what’s happened or make the feelings go away. You’ll have to process this eventually, and the sooner you do, the sooner you can start the grieving process.

Feelings that are common among suicide loss survivors are:

Despair. You’ve lost someone close to you. Not only that, but they were in such a bad mental state that they took their own life. Deep sadness is a reasonable reaction to both the loss and the way the loss occurred. Let yourself cry, sob, wail, and lament.

Anger. You might blame someone for this death. Yourself, your parent’s partner, or even your own parent for taking their own life. Maybe you’re even angry with God letting this happen. It’s normal to feel angry when something happens that you don’t understand. Find a healthy way to express your anger, rather than shoving it down. Go for an intense run, write letters in a journal to whomever you’re angry with, or make mashed potatoes… mashing potatoes by hand is a pretty good way to get out anger. 

Guilt. You may feel responsible for your parent’s death, and that’s a heavy burden to bear. Acknowledge this feeling, but make sure to remind yourself that you did not physically take your parent’s life. You are not responsible for their death, even if you do wish you’d visited, called, or been kinder to them. At the end of the day, this was their decision and their decision alone. It is NOT your fault.

Shame. You may not want anyone to know what’s happened because of the stigma attached to suicide, or you may think you’re a “bad child” to have “allowed” this to happen. Again, allow yourself to feel the feeling, but remember that your parent’s actions are no reflection on who you are.

Confusion. You may not fully comprehend what’s happened. One minute your parent was a phone call or text message away and the next… how is that even possible? Why would they do such a thing? Do a little reading about suicide. It may help you understand what, why, and how this has happened.

Rejection. You may feel that your parent abandoned you. That they decided you weren’t worth sticking around for. It’s important to remember that your parent’s decision had nothing to do with you and everything to do with their mental state.

Fear. You may worry that your mental health will become like theirs, or that you’re destined to commit suicide someday too. Research may be helpful in this area too. There’s no reason that you can’t go on to live a full, healthy life after this.

Denial. You may not be able to accept what’s happened. Maybe you suspect foul play or you think your parent only ran away. Ask the questions you need to ask, but ultimately, you have to accept this loss before you can begin to move on.

Anxiety. You may be flooded with so many feelings at once that you can’t sit still or sleep. This is completely normal. If it goes on for more than a few days, talk to a professional about getting some help with the symptoms.

Relief. If your parent was suffering or if your relationship with them was rocky, you may be silently glad that it’s finally over. You may feel guilty as soon as you have that feeling of relief, but again, this is normal. You’re not the first child to have a complicated relationship with a parent, and it doesn’t make you a bad person if you’ve felt a bit relieved.

Shock. Maybe you were blindsided. Perhaps you never saw this coming because you never imagined your parent could do this. Breathe. Shock is also normal. Give yourself time.

Loneliness. You miss your parent. Or you feel isolated because nobody could possibly understand what you’re going through. Lean on your other family members right now or find a support group for others who’ve lost loved ones to suicide. There are people out there who understand what you’re going through, and isolation is not a good idea for you at a time like this.

Allow yourself to feel these feelings and any others that may pop up in this troubling time.

Take Care of Your Mental Health

When you experience something traumatic, it’s normal for our mental health to take a turn for the worse. Survivors of a suicide loss commonly experience symptoms of conditions like depression, anxiety, and PTSD, all of which make the grieving process even more difficult. Don’t force yourself to go through this alone. Find a professional counselor or therapist or a support group to help you carry the burden of all these feelings. In the wake of any death, especially one this traumatic, you may be tempted to put on a brave face and “be strong,” especially if you have siblings or other family members who are struggling, but there’s nothing strong about ignoring your own feelings. Remember: your parent’s decline in mental health resulted in their death, so there’s no better time than now to start making yours a top priority.

Begin the Grieving Process

Grief is grief. It follows any loss, and it takes time for anyone to heal from a loss as big as this one. Some of this grief will be immediate: crying a lot, needing to cancel plans to be with family, feeling unable to go to work or school, losing your appetite, sleeping more or less than usual. As time passes and the world around you returns to “normal,” you’ll be faced with carrying your grief with you as you go back to the activities you used to do. Take it slow and lean on your support system. Nobody expects your feelings to go away after a certain amount of time. There’s no deadline for “getting over” the suicide of a parent. 

Let yourself have some fun, too. Try doing something you’ll enjoy each and every day, just to keep that emotion in good working condition. Remember that it’s no crime to feel joy, even after a loss like this. Your grief and your joy can coexist, even if your grief is taking up a bit more room in your heart for now. Eventually, maybe months or years from now, you’ll realize that your grief needs less and less room, takes up less and less time. But for now, it’s absolutely okay to be in full grief mode. Remember to reach out to TheHopeLine if you need someone to listen to you or simply sit with you in your grief. We also partner with GriefShare, and they can get you connected to a support group near you. You’re not alone in this.

The traumatic experience of losing a loved one to suicide is very different than losing a loved one another way. Here are 6 emotions survivors of suicide loss face. 

In the words of the one and only Carly Rae Jepsen’s unforgettable tune, “It’s not Christmas until somebody cries.” Even though that particular song will probably put a smile on your face, there are countless other sad Christmas songs to balance out the excess of peppy holiday tunes that bombard us at this time of year. Why is that? Well… despite what we’re told by almost every single media source, Christmas is not “the most wonderful time of the year” for everyone. In fact, the holiday blues are a pretty common phenomenon, so if you’re feeling less than cheerful, you’re not alone.

What to Know About Depression and the Holidays

Why Are the Holidays Hard for People?

Holiday depression isn’t officially recognized as its own condition, but many qualified therapists and researchers have observed an uptick in depression, anxiety, and suicide rates at this time of year. There are a number of factors that could contribute to that trend, from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) to the financial strain of the holidays. If you aren't feeling very merry this year but aren’t sure why, check out these reasons you could be having a blue Christmas.

Reasons for Holiday Depression

1. The weather. When the sun goes down before 5 pm and the temperature drops, it’s no surprise that you might be struggling with energy and motivation. Both the dark and the cold present major challenges to any activity other than snuggling in bed, making it tempting to avoid festivities and responsibilities. If you consistently feel a major shift in your mental health around this time of year, you may want to talk to your doctor about Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), which is a very real condition related to the changes in seasons.

2. Food and exercise. Starting with Halloween candy and ending with Valentine’s Day chocolates, society spends most of fall and winter selling us on the idea that junk food “doesn’t count” during the holidays. While you should certainly allow yourself to enjoy some treats, be careful to incorporate fruits, veggies, and proteins as well. Nutrition can have a significant impact on our mental health, as can exercise. When it’s cold, or when we’ve been eating cookies, cake, and mashed potatoes, we might not feel like staying on top of our exercise routines, but a shift in activity can also bring your energy levels down.

3. Family. A lot of us are around our families more frequently at this time of year, and that’s a wonderful thing for some. However, you wouldn't be the first person to admit that they get stressed out during family gatherings. That one toxic uncle who always brings up politics or the second cousin who tries to recruit you into her multi-level marketing scheme might mean that you constantly have your guard up when you go to grandmas for the family gift exchange. Pay attention to your stress levels and body tension when you’re around family--that could be one source of your holiday blues.

4. Overscheduling. Finals, gift shopping, getting a picture with Santa, going to the neighborhood light show, working holiday rush shifts, rehearsing for the church Christmas concert, traveling for Thanksgiving, staying up until midnight on New Year’s Eve, and dressing up for every event… This is not a restful season. Feelings of depression around this time of year can often come from the sheer exhaustion and overwhelm of having too much to do.

5. Financial strain. Giving gifts, traveling, and participating in all the potlucks can get pricey, and for those of us who were already living paycheck to paycheck before the holidays, the extra expenses can feel like a crushing weight on our shoulders. Money is one of the leading stressors for many people, and that only gets worse this time of year.

6. Expectations. From songs and movies to TV ads, we are told in a million ways that we are supposed to be happy at this time of year. Houses should be decorated, food should be decadent and delicious, parties should be glittery and cozy, people should be generous and kind, and you should be the merriest one of them all. That’s a lot of pressure, and those messages make it particularly difficult to admit that maybe you’re feeling sad, tired, or overwhelmed. Christmastime is supposed to look a certain way, according to the media, and failure to meet those expectations, or fear of failure, can be very hard on your mental health.

7. Loneliness. Whether you’re surrounded by friends and family or spending the holiday with only your cat for company, it’s a common time of year to feel alone. Human connection is an important part of mental health, and without its depression and anxiety are no surprise. It’s also the time of year when we very keenly feel the absence of certain people from our festivities, whether it’s your first holiday after a breakup or the tenth year you’ve had to celebrate without a grandparent who’s passed away. 

Self-care During the Holidays

What should you do if you’re feeling down during the holidays this year? Practice self-care! Maybe you’re tired of hearing about self-care and how much you need it, but it truly is the first step to improving your mental health. If you can’t help but think of bubble baths and bon-bons every time you hear the “self-care” term bandied about, we get it. Those things CAN be a part of someone’s self-care practice, but it doesn’t have to be as fancy as that.

Break down what your basic needs are: food, water, shelter, sleep, stability, human connection, etc. Are any of those going unfulfilled right now? Take steps to improve in those areas. That could mean a trip to the grocery store instead of ordering takeout again. It could look like declining an invitation to one or two of the seven parties you’ve been invited to, or it could mean accepting one instead of staying home in your sweatpants. It looks different for everyone, and only you can assess where your life has become overwhelming or burdensome.

Don’t Disconnect

Most importantly, don’t isolate yourself! As tempting as it can be to keep your feelings to yourself, especially if you’re afraid of putting a damper on anyone’s holiday cheer, isolation can make depression and anxiety worse. Talk to a trusted friend or family member about how you’re feeling. You might be surprised by how much it can help to share and by how much most of us relate to a case of holiday depression. If you’re worried about talking to someone you know, don’t hesitate to reach out to TheHopeLine. You’ll be paired with someone who wants to talk to you, sees your worth, and might be able to help you reconnect with the “tidings of great joy” that this time of year represents.

After all, once you get past all that we’ve done as a society to make the Christmas season stressful, at its core, Christmas is about hope and the promise of a future full of grace and mercy through Christ. Just as there are plenty of sad holiday songs, there are also many that proclaim, “joy to the world” and describe that “thrill of hope [as] a weary world rejoices for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn!” Christ’s birth represents a future with no more tears, and as you take the brave steps to care for yourself while you’re feeling world-weary, you can rest in the knowledge that His love is yours for the taking and that a new, glorious morning is coming. We know depression can make reaching out for help, much less feeling hope, seem like a monumental task, but you’re not alone in this. 

Situational depression is something many people struggle with. Click here for some of the signs and symptoms of situational depression. 

How to Know the Status of My Faith

Can a Saved Person Become Unsaved?

Have you ever been worried that you’ve failed God? Or worried that even though you accepted Christ as your savior, you aren’t saved anymore?

In this episode, we’re talking with Dylan. He’s trying to figure out salvation…if he’s still saved or if he can lose his salvation. He says he’s not been getting answers that make sense to him. We’re going to try to help him out in this podcast, as we turn to our peer-to-peer callers for advice. Let’s first go to Dylan and let him explain what his struggle is with salvation and then we will go right into feedback for Dylan from people who care.

What Does it Mean to Give Your Life to Jesus?

Dylan shares, “I’ve believed in Jesus since I was little, just because that’s how my parents were. And that’s what I grew up listening to, but I didn’t really understand what following the Lord meant, like really giving your life to Jesus. I did that about 2 years ago. In between then and now, I’ve gone through a whole bunch of stuff. And now, I’m at the tail end of a huge trial. I’ve been thinking of all these questions that deal with salvation.

God has all these parables about people who seem like they are believers who get thrown into hell, like the branch that doesn’t remind, the wicked servant. And I have questions like, how can someone be saved and then unsaved if we are saved by grace through faith?”

People Worry About Failing God

Dawson responds to Dylan, “People think they’ve lost their salvation. They worry about failing God. They worry that they’ve hurt God in so many ways. They don’t feel close to Him. And I say, yes you are. If you weren’t the full meal deal you wouldn’t be worried about it. The fact that you are concerned about this and worried about this, is a really good sign that you’re in the faith, or you wouldn’t care. Make sense? You’d say who cares about the saved and the unsaved, I’ll party until I drop. What is this worry about whether I have peace with God or whether I’m saved? Come on, it’s time to play. I’ll worry about that when I’m old. But you’re not doing that.

You may have some issues in your life that need to be dealt with, that may be causing you to question whether or not you’re saved. I see you already in the kingdom. You’re just struggling over some of this because you’re not sure. Some other stuff is happening in your life that’s clouded your life.

We’re going to go to our peer-to-peer friends now and they’re going to give you advice.”

Peer to Peer Advice for Dylan: 

We’re asking for those to give advice that has been in that place of questioning their faith. What helped you through it? What scriptures gave you clarity?

We heard from Nicole, Arianna, Tom, Damien and Jessica. Stick around because their wise counsel is right on!

When You Drift, God Pulls You Back – Nicole

I honestly only have personal experience to offer him. I just firmly believe that once you make that mental, spiritual, confession to God that you need Him and that you accept Him in your life. I think that initial confession opens a door to a relationship that can never end.

I grew up in a Christian home too, and I stayed away from my relationship with God. It’s like any relationship, you stray away from it, and then somehow life happens, then the Holy Spirit convicts me, and I come to God and come back running. It wouldn’t be called saved if you were saved from something good. You’ve been saved from something bad…from sin.

You’ve drifted from time to time, but there’s always God there to pull you back?

Yes, I don’t know how old Dylan is, but I’m in my mid-twenties so, I’m still learning. This particular year has been incredibly eye-opening for me, because I’ve learned what the word, surrender, means. I’ve learned what full dependency on God is. That really is where I realized I’m saved is when I’m fully dependent on God every single day. It’s an everyday decision to be fully dependent on Him.

You hear Christians say, “Oh, God will never give you more than you can handle.” But that’s nowhere in the Bible. God may actually give you more than you can handle, because he wants you to depend on Him to get you through whatever’s happening.

Ups and Downs Are Part of a Relationship with God – Arianna

I’ve had a lot of personal experience feeling God wasn’t there for me. At the end of the day, I tried to make other things my foundation. And God was the only thing that ever truly came through. With Dylan, I think that questioning your faith and constantly trying to learn more about it is the best sign. It makes God so happy that you’re trying to figure it rather out than just blindly following what you’re told

The Bible says, “work out your salvation with fear and trembling.” (Philippians 2:12) It’s not just some flip thing. It’s far more than what you feel.

It’s a journey. Your faith is a lifelong journey. It’s not something you find out one time, and then it’s going to be hunky-dory for the rest of your life. The people in the Bible were ones that struggled their whole lives. Grand things happened way later in their life to make them find out how grand God is.

If you’re constantly trying to have a relationship with him, then it’s going to be ups and downs, it’s going to have connection and disconnection – that’s all part of a healthy relationship. Dylan seeking that, encourages me a lot. It’s showing he’s striving for a tighter relationship with God. If he opens his heart to the possibility that God can take over his life in whatever means He sees fit. Then he will see a lot of changes that will happen in his life that wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t said, “Take me Lord and put you where you need me.”

I Learned to Trust in God Alone - Tom

This is actually something I struggled with for a couple of years. I thought, am I saved, am I not saved? Did I do something wrong that could potentially affect me and affect my salvation?

God’s word says, “I write these things so that you may know you have eternal life.” (1 John 5:13) What God is saying is if you’re trusting in the blood of Christ, He will give you salvation. Because God came here and did it all. If you’re trusting in your works and what you’re doing. Thinking, I’ve got to do some good stuff. I have to go out there and make sure I’m doing this, this, and this, and if I don’t do it then I don’t know…am I going to be saved or not?

If you’re trusting in your works, you’re going to be judged by your works. If you trust in Christ, that’s all you need. Just trust in Him and walk. And He will convict you throughout your life to do what is necessary for His kingdom and He will sanctify you over time. All you have to do is trust in Him alone, and He convicts you throughout your life to do what’s right, and when you’re not doing what’s right, He’s going to convict you to change.

It's not a contract – it’s not if you do this, I’m going to do this for you. If you don’t do this, then I’m not going to do this. It’s a covenant, which says, if you do this, I’m going to do this for you. If you don’t do this, I’m STILL going to do this for you. That’s what the good news of the gospel is.

Your Salvation Has Been Sealed with God - Damien

The apostle Paul said, “When I wanted to do good, evil was always present.” (Romans 7:21) Your salvation has been sealed with God. You’re going to have challenges in life. There are going to be things that try to come and get you off course, but you have to stay the course.

There are things that happened in my life, in my earlier years, going out partying, drinking. When you no longer have the desire to pursue after those things, then you know that your salvation is in God.

When you see your affections turning towards what God has, rather than what the world has to offer then you know you’re going in the right direction.

I Started Reading My Bible from Beginning to End – Jessica

I’ve been through a whole lot in my life. I was told at one point that I wasn’t going to go to the kingdom of heaven, because I lost my belief and steered away. This came from family, and I felt really down and out about what was going to happen to me, and where my life was going to go.

I just put my faith in God and knew that God can do anything in my life if I just put my trust in Him. I started to take it day by day, one day at a time. I started reading my Bible from the beginning to the end. Every single day, I woke up with a positive attitude and just tried to make it through those days. If you’ve already given your life over to God, you know you have, and you can hear God talking to you sometimes. And He will never give up on His children for anything.

If You’ve Accepted Christ as Your Savior, Then You Are Saved!

There’s probably no more important topic than the one of salvation and one’s faith. Dylan, you received some amazing counsel from our peer to peers: Nicole, Arianna, Tom, Damien, Jessica…thank you all so much! What life-giving words you all gave!
And this brings up a good point, if you are struggling with something, especially in the faith…reach out for help. Don’t struggle alone. Reach out to God, but also reach out to other believers. We are supposed to encourage each other in the faith. As it says in Hebrews 10:24 and 25: “Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works…and encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.”

It’s why we have chat available for you to talk about what’s going on and get encouraged. Chat with us at: TheHopeLine.com/chat-live.

Nicole, I love what you said! Your initial confession to God that you need Him and accept Him as your Lord and Savior, opens a door to a relationship with God that can never end.

Arianna, you were right on when you said…if you open your heart to God and surrender then God will take over your life. What that means is not your will, but God’s will be done in your life.

There’s no better place to be than in God’s will. Which some people might say, that’s scary, if I submit totally to God’s will, I’m worried God will send me into the jungle to be a missionary or ask me to give up my relationship. If you surrender to God’s will, and He asks you to give up something then it’s for your good. If He’s asking you to give up a relationship, it’s not because the relationship is amazing and is going to make you happy for the rest of your life…it’s because it’s not right at this moment for you.
God never withholds anything good from His Children. In Psalm 84:11b, scripture says, “The LORD will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right.”

Tom shared with Dylan, scripture from 1 John 5:11, “God has given us eternal life, and this life is in His Son.”  So, if you have accepted Jesus Christ as your savior then you have been saved. You have eternal life through Him. You don’t have to keep worrying about your salvation. Even if you stray or lose your way, you are saved.

Damien, you reiterated this and yes, as Damien said, Dylan, your salvation was sealed with God. AMEN!
Jessica reminds us how to live out our faith, by reading scripture, listening to God’s word, living with a grateful heart, and trusting God.

Dylan you rock, man. You are searching for the truth, and God will reveal the truth to you. Thanks for being willing to be vulnerable and share your questions with us. And thank you to all of our peer-to-peer callers. You’ll be seriously off the charts…with your wisdom, and life experience and sound advice for Dylan.

Most of all a big shout out and thank you to our listeners. You are the reason we do what we do.

Salvation is Open for All

If you’ve never prayed the prayer of salvation, and you want Jesus to be your savior and want Him to be the center of your heart and life, then you can do that right now.

You just pray to God. Ask Him to forgive your sins. Then confess you believe in Him and the sacrifice of His son, Jesus Christ. And let Him know you want to live your life for Him.

Follow me in this prayer if you’re ready:

Dear Heavenly Father,
I’m sorry for the wrong things I’ve done. Please forgive me. I believe your Son died on the cross for my sins and rose from the dead, and because of this I will enter into heaven when I die. Jesus, come into my heart and be my Lord and Savior. I willingly give you, my life. Now, Father, help me do your will. Thank you again for saving me! In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen.

Other Related Podcast Episodes:

How to Find God – EP 32
Ronnie’s Life Changing Decision – EP 9

Resources about Salvation:

• How Can I Be Sure I Am Really Saved?
• What Does It Mean to Be Saved by Grace?
• Is My Relationship with God Secure?
• Accepting the Love of God
• Learn More About God

Relevant eBooks:

• Understanding A Relationship with God and the Basics of Christianity

Need to talk to someone? Chat with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine.

One last thing,
Dawson's podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now on our Give Now page.

This is the Dawson McAllister Podcast, and until next time…Remember you are loved, you are valuable, and God has an amazing plan for your life. - Rachel

If you clicked on this title, first of all: we’re proud of you! It’s scary to seek help for depression and other mental health challenges, let alone consider talking to someone about it. If you’re still wondering whether what you’ve been feeling is depression, let’s talk about common symptoms. It’s incredibly common for young adults to experience depression because newsflash: LIFE IS HARD. 

For students and young adults, it’s common for depression to manifest as angry outbursts or other surprising surges of emotion that you don’t know how to handle. It could also surface as physical symptoms like changes in appetite, fatigue, a prolonged stomachache or headache. You may also notice that you’ve lost interest in things you used to enjoy, whether that be hobbies, hanging out with your friends, or favorite books and TV shows. The overwhelming urge to cry, stay in bed all day, changes in your sleep patterns, and feelings of worthlessness or hopelessness are also tell-tale signs that you may be struggling with depression.

If any of this sounds familiar, you may indeed be battling depression, which means it’s time to talk to your parents. That’s sometimes easier said than done, though, right? Especially if you’re the type of person who puts on a brave face so that nobody suspects what you’re going through. But in this case, it’s important that you let your guard down for once.

How to Talk About Depression

How to Bring Depression up With Your Parents

When it comes to mental health, telling anyone is daunting, let alone your parents. You may be worried they’ll panic, get angry, or write off your experiences completely. Unfortunately, some parents are struggling with their own mental health, and if they aren’t aware of their internal biases, it can be hard to have an honest conversation with them about your feelings. In the end, however, most parents want what’s best for their children, and the thing to keep in mind as you approach them with this subject is this: they love you. Don’t stop reading! Yes, many of us have felt unloved by our parents. If it’s truly the case that you have a toxic or abusive relationship with your parents, seek help from another trusted adult, and use this article as a guide to talk to that person instead. If, however, your relationship with your parents is under the usual amount of strain that happens as we become independent of them, try your best to recognize their love for you in the upcoming conversation.

So, what do you say to them? There are a few ways for you to start this conversation. Try approaching them in one of these ways:

• “Mom/Dad, I need to talk to you about something important. I need you to hear me out and let me say it. I’ve been feeling off for a while now, and I want to talk to you about depression.”
• “Have you noticed that I’ve been a little low energy/sad/less interested in my favorite things lately? It’s really starting to worry me. Do you think I could be depressed?”
• “Have you or has anyone else in our family ever struggled with depression? I think I could be having symptoms of it, and I would really like to talk about it with you.”

Pick one of those and tweak it to make it personal for you and your parents. Then…. just say it! Once it’s out of your mouth, you’ve done the hardest part. You’ve got this.

How to Address Your Parents’ Questions

More than likely (and because they love you) your parents are going to have a lot of questions about the idea of their child being depressed. They might fear the worst and jump to the conclusion that you’re suicidal. They might be upset because they feel responsible or at fault for you feeling this way. These feelings could come out in a number of ways from tears to frustration to fix-it mode. It’s important for you not to let this part surprise you. Your parents are humans too! Remain as calm as you can and answer the questions, you’re comfortable with as factually as possible. They may want to know what your symptoms are, how long you’ve been experiencing them, whether something traumatic may have happened, and why you think it’s depression. If you aren’t comfortable answering questions, you can say something like this:

• “I’m a little tired and overwhelmed to answer all these questions. Can we just make an appointment with my doctor and talk about it then?”
• “I get why you have questions, and so do I. I really need your support right now, and the questions are making me feel like I’m in trouble. Can you just give me a hug and tell me everything’s going to be okay?”
• “I know you’re worried, but I just told you I think I’m depressed. I don’t know any more than you do. Can we do some research together and figure this out?”

Your parents' emotions might run wild when they hear that their child is struggling, and that’s normal. Take a deep breath as they try to adjust to this new reality, and remember that you’re telling them so that you can get support. If all else fails, and they struggle to hear your words, wrap them up in a big hug. It may be exactly what you both need. If, after a day or two, they still aren’t able to process what you’ve told them, try offering them some of these resources:

• An Overview of Teen Depression
• 5 Things Never to Say to Someone Who’s Depressed
• How to Help Your Depressed Teenager
• 7 Ways to Support a Friend or Loved One With Depression
• The Dangers of Untreated Depression in Teens

You can even say something like:

• “I found some articles that might be useful for you to help process what we talked about.”
• “Would you mind reading these for me? I need you to understand.
• “I know this is hard, but I’m not the only one. There’s research out there that could help us deal with this.”

Give them time to process, and remember they love you. If you think your parents are ignoring the news you gave them or aren’t willing to help you, it’s time to tell another trusted adult who will. Look for a school counselor, a support group in town, or reach out to TheHopeLine. We’ll connect you with resources that can get you started on a healing journey.

Ask Your Parents for What You Need

The whole point of opening up to your parents like this is to get support, so now that you’ve been vulnerable, ask for what you need. What do you need? That depends. There are a number of ways to approach depression treatment. From self-help strategies and lifestyle changes to medication and psychotherapy, you have the ability to choose what works best for you. Before you can determine any of that, you need to see a professional and get a proper diagnosis. Without a clear understanding of your condition, you can’t pursue the right kinds of treatment. Try talking to your parents about getting evaluated by a doctor:

• “I want to see my doctor. Can you please take me?”
• “I want to try counseling. Can we find someone to help me?”
• “Can we please call my doctor and ask for a referral to a good psychologist? I want to make sure we know what we’re dealing with and how to treat it.”
• “Let’s check Focus on The Family to see if there are any therapists near us that could help me figure out what’s going on.”

If they are resistant to seeing a doctor because they are still convinced there’s a negative stigma to having a mental illness, remind them that stigma is dangerous and outdated, and ask them if they’d rather see your condition get worse. Remember that if you’re over 18, you don’t need their permission to see your doctor, and reach out to TheHopeLine for help processing what to do next.

You Are Allowed to Seek Joy

Enough about your parents. You know yourself. Whether you’ve been hiding it or upfront about it, you wouldn’t be reading this article unless you noticed a problem in your life. Don’t hide any longer. Take on the tough task of being vulnerable with them and seek help. You may be depressed, but you're NOT defeated. In fact, you’re one of the strongest people we know. It takes A LOT to summon the energy and courage to pursue healing when you’re battling with depression, and that means deep down you have hope that you can find joy. How do you know that? Because you were created with an innate worth and immeasurable value by someone who wants you to live abundantly. Your soul was born to sing, and your desire to treat your depression is a beautiful example of how much you actually value yourself, even if you struggle with feelings of worthlessness. 

 

My Experience With Anxiety

I Overthink Everything

"I’m a worrywart. I spend hours on Google self-diagnosing anything that feels abnormal. I like to organize and schedule things to compensate for my fear of the future. I overthink everything, so for me, all decisions (big or small) take time. Anxiety is part of my everyday life. This is my story." - Hazelle

I have a very, very anxious dog. Every morning he paces back and forth as I get ready for work. He knows the inevitable is coming: I’m leaving for work and he’s going to be all alone. He nervously follows me around everywhere. Every time I leave him at home, he cries, he whimpers, he barks as he cowers — he is debilitated and powerless. His anxiety completely overcomes him.
The funny/sad/scary thing is… I think my pooch got his anxiety from me.

I’ve had my share of debilitating moments. I’ve felt sharp pangs in my chest, weird tingling sensations that lead me to convince myself that either my heart has literally erupted, or that I am at the brink of dying of a heart attack. Even as I write this now, it feels like there is an ever-growing weight on my chest. I feel like I am suffocating, drowning, and fainting all at the same time.

Terrified I Will Disappoint People

When I was very young, I constantly worried about small things like what I was going to eat for lunch and if I had enough money to buy a snack just in case. I spent many of my lunch breaks tethered to a payphone talking to my mom so she could reassure me that everything was going to be alright.

As I got a little older, my anxious tendencies were kept at bay. I worried about typical stuff — getting good grades, maintaining a part-time job, and finding a husband one day.

However, when my mom got diagnosed with a terminal illness, everything changed. From that moment and to this present day, my anxieties came back. I became constantly afraid of things I couldn’t foresee or control:

• I am scared that it’s only a matter of time before I or someone else in my family will die of cancer.
• I am nervous that yet another neighbor will complain about my dog’s anxious and loud barking.
• I am afraid that I will attend my high school reunion and feel like a failure next to the lawyer, the doctor, or the guy who has launched a successful business.
• I am fearful that all of my pregnancies will lead to miscarriages – even though I have never been pregnant.

The list goes on and on.

I am terrified that I will disappoint people, so I often do not take risks. I often turn down invitations to social gatherings because I tend to be anxious around other people. I have the unfortunate tendency to make a mental beeline to the worst possible scenario. In my imagination, I’ve been diagnosed, incarcerated, fired, divorced, and buried. My mind is a scary place to be sometimes.

Anxious Tendencies

There’s never a convenient time for my anxious tendencies to show up.

One time, I got so scared about a meeting with my boss that I was embarrassingly out of breath and could barely make out a sentence. When I’m home alone and panicking, I go straight into thinking that I could have a heart attack and just die alone. When I’m in a movie theatre and my phone starts buzzing, I almost instantly think that something bad has happened and I plan out how to exit the theatre in tears without making too much of a commotion.

Conditioned to Expect the Worst

I read somewhere that “If you expect to be disappointed, you’ll never be disappointed!” In so many circumstances, I’ve conditioned myself to expect the worst.

The interesting thing is that I am married to a generally spontaneous and carefree person, so you can imagine how I freeze when he commits us to a social engagement without checking with me first. To be honest, I have always admired his courage and his willingness to try new things, even if they’re a little scary. I often come to him in tears asking how I can prevent things from crippling me. He thrives in situations where he knows he has the freedom to fail. I, on the other hand, panic at the mere thought of failure.

Looming Shadow of Anxiety

If you feel as if you’re living in a world of “what ifs,” and you’re backed into a corner with nowhere else to turn, talk to us about it. Anxiety can feel like a looming shadow that follows you, even in a dark room. It can feel inescapable, but please do not face it alone. A Hope Coach is ready to listen and help you with whatever you are facing.

Social anxiety can lead to difficulty in other aspects of life. Click here to find out how social anxiety can affect school and work.

Used with permission of Power to Change. Originally published at issuesiface.com.

My Story of Handling Loss With Anger

Angry at God for Taking My Mom 

In this episode, we’re talking with Shelby. She was on her way home from a week-long church conference when her mom died. It happened 3 years ago, and since then, she’s been angry with God and depressed. But through it all, she’s also been seeking God.

I Was Gone When My Mom Died

Shelby says, “I was actually at a conference with my church, like the whole week before, and the day I was coming home from that conference was the day my mom died. So, in the last week of her life I didn’t get to see her. I always kind of felt like God robbed me of that time. But I’ve grown a lot in the past three years. My friends just keep telling me that God’s still there and I’m not alone in this. And there are other people who’ve gone through what I have.

How can we help you?

I’ve just been wanting to understand God’s word more and where I can exactly look and gain courage. And what can I do to stay on track?

Peer to Peer Advice for Shelby: 

Shelby received advice from her peers, from people who’ve been there and wanted to encourage her.

Don’t isolate yourself. – Amanda

I know you’re dealing with anger and depression. Don’t isolate yourself. When I was starting out, I went to a retreat. And you need to surround yourself with good positive people, because God will talk to you through those people who are close to Him. He will speak to you through them, so you need to not isolate yourself. But go out and do new things and that’s how God will speak to you.

I found a scripture the other day, and I think it was meant to reach you. It’s Isaiah 26:12, “He establishes peace for us.” He will give you peace because that’s what you need. He will give you peace and only He can give that to you. And whether it’s through others or through scripture, only He can give that to you.

I think you need to open your Bible, go to Isaiah 26:12 and find peace within Him.

Hope anchors the soul. – Katelyn

When I was 11, so 9 ½ years ago, I lost my father. And I found a lot of comfort in Psalm 23. And like Amanda said, you don’t need to isolate yourself, because it’ll just make it worse.

Hebrews 6:19 says, “Hope anchors the soul.” If you have hope and say that you’ll see your mom again one day, it will comfort you a lot.

Looking back on your life, you will see the hand of God. - Stephanie

You’re not alone. I had 3 major losses within 6 months – my father, my grandmother, and my mother. It was very hard at that time for me to turn to God. It was very early in my journey with Him. And it was very hard for me to turn to Him and trust Him, having that many losses in such a short period of time. But I stayed true to my path, and I continued seeking Him – even though I was hurting, even though I wanted to turn my back on Him, even though I wanted nothing to do with Him - I kept seeking Him.

Like a year and a half later, it hit me - the reason why I lost my mother. Because that was the most confounding one for me, because I was so early on into my journey, that one really made me struggle with my faith. A year and a half later, I learned the reason why, suddenly a light bulb went on. Everything I started doing in my life, I started asking for God’s guidance. I started praying. I started seeking Him out, more than I had ever before. And it was so I would have that relationship with Him that I have today. If I had not lost my mother, my relationship with God would not be as solidified as it is today.

God sees the bigger picture. He has the plan. When it comes to depression – that is the Devil creeping in, that is the Devil saying, “I want you.” Rebuke it. Say, “I refuse to feel this way. God has His hands on me. He is there for me.” And get on your knees and pray.

God understands what it is like to have loss. - Alana

Hi Shelby, I’m extremely sorry for what you’re going through. Be encouraged that when Father God sent His son Jesus, He understands what it’s like to have loss.

I want to encourage you as you’re in His Word to go to worship and just be close to Him. As others did say, being around people, but also just being at Jesus’ feet. Psalms is a really good place to go when you’re not understanding what’s going on. When you’re seeking Him, and He doesn’t seem to be nearby. It’s difficult to think that He’s near, when somebody you’re very close to, just left the earth.

I just want to encourage you to keep persevering and keep trusting Him, even though it seems like the hardest thing in the world.

But as the woman who just spoke had said, you’ll be able to look back and see his hand over you. And you’ll be able to help someone else walk through it. Keep moving forward and I’ll be praying for you.

God will never turn His back on you. - Brandon

I know what you’re going through. I’ve been through something very similar with my grandmother. I wasn’t there for her death. I was out using drugs actually. So, I blamed God and myself for putting myself in that position. But Jeremiah 29:11 really spoke to me, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

God will never turn His back on you. He never has and He never will. He will always be your rock to lean on.

A Life of Faith Will Survive the Shock of Death

Wow, you guys are awesome! Thank you so much Brandon, Alana, Stephanie, Katelyn and Amanda for your insightful advice and to share loving encouragement!

Shelby, I love that the first 2 scriptures shared for you were only 4 and 5 words each…easier to remember that way, but also so perfect for what you’re facing:

Isaiah 26:12, “He establishes peace for us.”

Hebrews 6:19, “Hope anchors the soul.

Stephanie said, looking back on your life you will see the hand of God. In the everyday grind of life, it is hard to see that anything is changing. But when you look at your life as a whole, a year at a time, you can see how things have changed and how God has moved in the big things and even in the details. So, remember Shelby so sometimes take a step back and reflect on what’s happened in your life over the years since your mom’s passing.

Alana was so right. God understands our pain. He knows what it is to have loss. And when God’s Son, Jesus, died on the cross for our sins He also saved us from an eternity of separation from God. Said another way, He replaces the hopelessness of death with a living hope in an everlasting future with God. Death here on earth is not the end of the story. It’s just a passing from this life to the next.

Shelby, know that a life of faith will survive the shock of death. You are doing just that. You’re pursuing God and pressing into Him even when you don’t feel like it. Faith is not about our feelings. Our feelings and emotions will betray us. A life of faith is about trusting God through every hardship, every difficulty, every loss. Knowing God is with us and for us - through it all.

Shelby, you mentioned wanting courage at the beginning – well, thank you for having the courage to call in and pour your heart.

And we are so appreciative of our peer-to-peer callers and the scriptures and heart-to-heart talk they gave too. And a big shout out to our listeners. You all are the reason we do what we do…so thank you!

Resources for Grief:

• Finding Hope Through Good Times and Bad
• Faith When Life is Hard: God Understands Your Pain
• Bible Verses to Help During the Stages of Grief
• Healthy Grieving: How Long Does it Take Your Heart to Heal from Grief?
• Where Is God in the Midst of Tragedy and Suffering?

Relevant eBooks:

• Understanding Grief and Loss

Support Groups:

• GriefShare: Grief Recovery Support

Need to talk to someone? Chat with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine.

One last thing,
Dawson's podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now on our Give Now page.

This is the Dawson McAllister Podcast, and until next time…Remember you are loved, you are valuable, and God has an amazing plan for your life. - Rachel

Grades, parents, hormones, social media, the news, dating, friend drama, trying to figure out who you are and who you want to be… whoever said: “youth is wasted on the young” obviously forgot how completely, mind-numbingly century. You’re dealing with a lot, and if you’ve found yourself on this page because you’re not sure how to cope, you’re in the right place.

How to Handle Depression as a Teen

Signs of Depression in Teens

If you’ve been feeling stressed and exhausted lately, to the point that you’ve lost interest in things that you used to enjoy, it may be that you’re dealing with some form of depression. If you’ve been feeling hopeless, worthless, and can’t think of a reason to keep going, you’re definitely in the midst of a depressive episode. If you’re at rock bottom, and you need immediate help, don’t worry about reading all the way to the bottom. You can get help here at TheHopeLine, or you can reach out to this Lifeline right now. If you’re able to keep reading, let’s talk about depression for a moment.

It’s Not Just “Teen Angst”

Young adults are too often dismissed when they try to express unhappiness. Our parents and teachers laugh our feelings off as “hormone attacks” or “teenage drama,” so how do you know if you’re actually dealing with depression? First, it’s pretty normal to feel down for a day or two when something doesn’t go your way, but if you’re so sad that you can’t get out of bed, the feeling lasts for weeks instead of days, or you can’t even pinpoint a real reason for feeling so low, that’s when you should talk to your doctor about whether you’ve crossed over into depression territory.

It can be tough to have that conversation with your doctor, though, because usually that means you have to talk to a parent first. If you need help approaching your parents about your mental health, you can reach out to TheHopeLine or ask a counselor or teacher at school to help you figure out what to say to them and help them understand why you want to see your doctor. Without an official diagnosis, it’ll be tough to figure out exactly what kind of depression you’re dealing with. You never want to self-diagnose or self-medicate, because depending on the specifics of your diagnosis, your doctor may recommend different treatments.

So, You’ve Been Diagnosed with the Big Sad?

First of all, welcome to the club. It’s not a very happy club… get it…? Cuz we’re all depressed…? But seriously, welcome, because it is a very supportive club. Get yourself over to the social medias and start following TikTok and Insta accounts like @skettsa and @strugglecare, where short and compassionate reels offer advice from a “Life Hacks for the Big Sad” series to simple advice about how to go easy on yourself when you can’t get out of bed, let alone wash your face. The best part about accounts like these is that, in the comments, you’ll find loads of people just like you, who are battling depression, but are never alone! We’re erasing the negative stigmas and secrecy that surround depression, one TikTok at a time.

Filling your life with media sources that are compassionate and supportive of people who struggle with their mental health is so important, because we all know that when depression hits hard, you can’t do much. You probably tend to isolate and wind up on the couch in your favorite hoodie, doom scrolling through whatever app was already open. When you proactively follow accounts that will send positive, hopeful messages to your poor, sad brain, you’re protecting yourself from getting stuck in an endless cycle of bad news and pictures of your ex. If you’re going to be stuck on Instagram, you might as well find a little encouragement and community there while you’re at it.

Social media hygiene is just one way of setting yourself up for success during future depressive episodes, and even before you’ve had an official diagnosis of depression, there are a number of other things you can be doing to help yourself, mind and body, through this tough time.

Being Kind to Yourself

Negative self-talk is often one of the hardest parts of battling depression. We might feel frustrated with ourselves or assume we’re weak for not feeling happy like “normal” people, or perhaps we feel guilty because we don’t want to stress out our friends or be a burden on our family. You wish you were stronger, more resilient, less sensitive, etc. But what would you say to your best friend or younger sibling if they were feeling depressed? Would you dare call them weak, a burden, or tell them to buck up and act happy?

No! You’d make them some soup, invite them on a walk, and send them funny YouTube compilations until they felt better. Right?

You deserve that same kind of care when you’re depressed.

Along those lines, if you had a child who was sick, would you let them eat garbage, isolate themselves from all humanity, and deny them medical care for their problem? Hope not! That would be abusive… are you doing those things to yourself? While none of these things are cures for depression on their own, eating healthily, regular exercise, the right amount of sleep, consistent check-ins with a doctor and counselor, and keeping in touch with your friends, family, and support groups are all practices you need and deserve when you’re depressed. Be as kind to yourself as you would to someone else and seek out the care you need.

The Next Right Thing

What good is all this advice, though, if you’re too tired, overwhelmed, or numb to do anything about it? Depression, by its very nature, makes it difficult for us to initiate tasks. In that case, we suggest you choose one thing. Just one. What one healthy thing can you do in the next two minutes? Drink a glass of water? Great. Do that. Take a nap? Great. Do it. Reach out to TheHopeLine? Great. Do it.

When depression gets to be too much, let go of all the extras, and simply focus on the next right thing.

If you don’t feel like you can even pick one thing, here’s our top suggestion: Don’t isolate. Reach out. Right now. To a friend. To us. Or to Jesus, who once said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Sometimes the next right thing is simply to know that there is hope and you are not alone.

Feeling hopeless? You are not alone. Here are 12 reasons to live you may not have thought about to help your hopelessness. 

How to Handle Verbal Abuse

Parent Relationships and Verbal Abuse

If you’re here because you’re struggling in your relationship with your parent(s), we get it. Even a healthy relationship between parent and child has its ups and downs! Arguments happen, and especially as you start to engage in actively shaping your own identity as a young adult, you’re bound to bump heads with a parent now and again. That can be hard! But it’s normal. If, however, you suspect that you’re more than just “at odds” with your parent, and disagreements commonly devolve into unhealthy situations where emotions run red hot, ice-cold, or both, you may be experiencing emotional abuse.

When we think of abuse, we often think of physical violence because it can be the easiest to identify, but there are a number of ways for an abuser to manipulate and control without ever touching their victims. Verbal abuse is a specific form of emotional abuse, in which parents or partners use their words, or lack thereof, to bully someone. It’s especially dangerous because it can sneak under the radar of anyone on the outside of the situation, hiding in the shadows and remaining a secret for years. Just because nobody can see it, doesn’t mean it isn’t taking a toll on your emotional health and safety.

Kinds of Verbal Abuse

Verbal abuse can be sneaky in a couple of ways. First, it’s often ignored, especially if it isn’t accompanied by more physical signs of abuse. Victims, abusers, and bystanders are able to minimize the problem by saying, “It’s only words.” Second, verbal abusers can be smart about when, where, and how they say hurtful things. They may not ever yell or use curse words, especially not in front of witnesses. Or, to someone who doesn’t live with the abuser, it may not always be apparent when certain words and phrases become abusive. That’s why it’s important to familiarize ourselves with common types of verbal abuse. Check out these examples:

Types of Verbal Abuse from Parents:

• Name-calling or mean jokes. This could be anything from a family “nickname” that comments on your weight, academic or athletic ability, or other personal characteristics to curse words uttered in a fit of rage. It can occur in group settings or in one-on-one situations. If you protest, you may be accused of being “too sensitive,” or they may claim they “didn’t mean it.”
• Giving orders or demanding. While many parents understandably instruct their children to do things, there does come a point at which barking orders or expecting unreasonable tasks to be completed is abusive.
• Stonewalling, blocking or diverting. If certain topics of conversation are off-limits, the abuser always changes the subject when you bring something up, or they simply shut you out by way of the silent treatment when they don’t want to deal with you, that’s abusive behavior.
• Constant criticizing, never praising. Excessively judging everything you say or do without ever acknowledging your positive attributes and actions can also be a form of abuse.
• Shaming, blaming, accusing. If there is a problem, is it always your fault or your responsibility to fix it? This is incredibly abusive behavior, especially in a parent-child relationship where the parent should be taking responsibility for the household and for your basic physical and emotional needs. 
• Trivializing, discounting, or undermining. When you express a need, a complaint, or even a like or dislike, does your parent make fun of it, act like it’s not a big deal, or tell you that you don’t know what you want? That’s also abusive. These are forms of gaslighting, which is a pretty famous verbal abuse tactic that forces the victim to question their reality.
• Inability to accept disagreement. Healthy relationships are able to handle a fair number of disagreements. It’s totally normal for a parent and child to have different opinions on everything from pizza toppings to politics and still love each other. If your parent can’t tolerate those differences, that’s a sign of a toxic relationship.
• Withholding or passive aggression. If your parent offers statements like, “The dishes are dirty,” or “you got a 78 on your math test,” instead of requests like “Hey, would you help with the dishes?” Or “Hey, can we work on getting that math grade up?” Or if they simply ice you out when the dishes are dirty until you figure out what’s wrong on your own, that’s a passive-aggressive attempt at manipulating you into reading their mind.
• Explosive anger or temper tantrums. Sudden bouts of shouting, cursing, name-calling, etc. are never appropriate.
• Countering or being argumentative. If your parent argues with you just for the sake of arguing, that could be an abusive power play. Rather than giving you space to express yourself, they have to be in control of the conversation.
• Denial. Refusal to accept responsibility for their own words and actions is another form of gaslighting, causing you to wonder whether you’re imagining the abuse. It’s worth noting here that even the best parent makes mistakes and might say something they regret, but what separates that from abuse is their willingness to take responsibility for the mistake and apologize.
• Threats. If your parent says things like, “Don’t do that again, or else ___ will happen,” or “if you don’t want to be called stupid, don’t do stupid things,” that’s threatening language, and that’s abusive behavior.

Effects of Verbal Abuse

Any kind of abuse is very disruptive to healthy brain development and emotional maturity, especially if it happens while you’re young. Even if you have one parent who’s loving and affectionate, or your abusive parent swings back and forth between their “good” and “bad” moods, your brain is responding to and developing according to the abuse it’s receiving. Victims of childhood verbal abuse are likely to develop avoidant or anxious attachment styles, rather than secure ones, which will impact their future relationships forever. This is especially true if the abuse is intentional. While many parents don’t mean to cause harm and may be unaware of the damage their words and actions inflict, those who are purposefully hurting their children are causing, in the end, even greater emotional problems for their kids down the road. No matter what, however, the greatest danger of verbal abuse is that victims, especially children, believe the cruel things that are said to them. You may eventually internalize the abuse to the point of self-hatred, so even when you’ve removed yourself from the abusive situation, you are still living in the shadow of it.

How to Recover From Emotional Abuse

What to Do if You’re Being Abused

• Learn to recognize when it’s happening and call it out. Use your voice to calmly explain to your parent when they’re being abusive. Even if they don’t listen, it’s important for you to name the abuse when it happens, for your own sanity and dignity, as well as a matter of record. In fact, it may not be a bad idea to start keeping a written record of instances of abuse for later. You can use this record in therapy or, if necessary, in court.
• Get space from your parent. If you can, spend as much time away from your parent as you can. Sign up for after-school activities and clubs. Study at friends’ houses. Keep to yourself when you’re at home. Don’t expose yourself to potential abuse if you don’t have to, but don’t stop living your life. You deserve to keep going to school, work, and social events, enjoying your life, etc.
• Tell someone. Don’t let this be a secret. Bearing the burden of a secret like that is bound to make you feel incredibly alone. Isolation never helps a toxic situation, so speak up! You can even reach out to TheHopeLine right now. If you don’t communicate your problems, you may not be able to access the help you need. Especially if you feel unsafe at home, or if you feel that you’re unable to have space from your parent while living with them, talk to a counselor or a trusted adult about whether it’s time to seek other accommodations, even if that means getting the authorities involved.

Healing From Verbal Abuse

If you’ve been a victim of parental verbal abuse, your brain has been trained to believe that you are flawed, powerless, over-sensitive, stupid, ugly, slow, mean, selfish, or whatever the lies are that your parent told you. Whether they called you terrible things outright or convinced you of your worthlessness without ever saying it directly, the marks they’ve left on you emotionally are real. Because abuse of any kind impacts your brain development, the fact that you may be experiencing feelings of self-hatred or other emotional problems is expected. But hear this now: there is hope and healing in store for you! There are ways to begin your healing journey right now, and we’re here to help you, starting now.

If you’re struggling with self-hatred, check out these articles on our site on ways to combat that negative view of yourself and start building an identity based on truth. What is that truth? You were fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of the divine Creator, and you are worthy of an abundant life full of love, compassion, and joy.

More articles on moving from self-hatred to self-compassion:

• 6 Ways to Turn Your Self-Hatred Around Through Self-Care
• 5 Ways to Stop Hating You
• 5 Amazing Reasons Why You Matter

And as always, please reach out to TheHopeLine if you’re struggling to figure out how to heal or remove yourself from a verbally abusive situation, or if you’re curious about the abundant life God desires for you.

If you were raised by a narcissist, you're not damaged goods. Read more about how to heal after narcissistic abuse from the person who raised you. 

Steps to Protect Yourself from Heartbreak

Anytime you open yourself up to love, you might get hurt. It's a risk you take, but one that is often well worth it.
However, we can take steps to protect ourselves from heartache that is avoidable.

Many people fall for major lies when they enter a dating relationship such as believing you are only valuable if you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, believing you can change someone, and believing sex isn't a big deal. Believing these lies and allowing your heart to get pulled in will almost always result in heartache. After counseling many broken-hearted people, I have developed quite a list of mistruths they believed that allowed them to get in so deep. I want to make you aware of these lies so you can fill your heart with TRUTH and cling to that truth when you start to get confused. It is my hope that you can recognize these traps after a few dates and protect yourself from deeper hurt.

Here are two more lies people fall for at the beginning of a dating relationship.

Being in a relationship with this person will fulfill me and bring me complete happiness.

A person who believes this will desperately do anything to keep the person loving them.  This is not happiness. To change yourself and accommodate their every need because you live in fear of losing them.

• The Truth is another person will NEVER be able to fill the hole in your soul and complete you.  Only God's love is perfect. Only God can fill the hole. Never be so desperate to connect with another person that you are willing to lose who you are to keep them. It's not worth it.
• Protect your heart by understanding that your partner is never going to be able to fill all your cravings for love. If the relationship is not working, let them go before you get in too deep. It may hurt for a moment, but you are free to be yourself. Put your identity in a God who loves you perfectly just the way you are.

It doesn't matter if we have the same morals or spiritual beliefs, as long as we love each other that will be enough. 

The idea that a couple can "agree to disagree" about foundational beliefs such as morals and religion is a big risk.

• The Truth is there are no deeper thoughts or values than those that come from our spiritual being. What we believe spiritually will tell us a lot about our values and how we look at our world. Without agreeing on spiritual beliefs, most relationships will crumble.
• Protect your heart by making a point to be sure you are on the same page about faith and values before you get too deep into your relationship. It is one thing to be friends with people who believe differently than you.  It is another thing entirely to try to build a life with someone who does not agree with how you see the world.

The main TRUTH here is that you don't have to settle for less than you deserve. Waiting for the right relationship can save you from a lot of heartache.

If you have the capacity to love, then you have the capacity to be hurt. For more help with heartbreak, read this blog.