How to Navigate Jealousy

The Poison of Jealousy Wrecks Relationships

Let's face it, most dating relationships don't last. Some should've never begun in the first place. Just a casual look at both parties would tell you the relationship would soon fall apart. Some relationships are very fragile and can easily be destroyed. In fact, it is far easier to destroy a relationship than it is to build one.

Years ago, there was a pop song released by singer/songwriter Paul Simon called 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover. He's probably right. And if we thought really hard, we could probably find 50 Ways to Wreck a Relationship as well. I want to help you to be aware of and guard against one of the worst things that can creep in and destroy the relationship with your boyfriend or girlfriend.

Jealousy.

Jealousy refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened. It's a state of fear, suspicion, or envy. Some people mistake it for love, but at the core of all jealousy is fear and selfishness.

Why is jealousy a relationship wrecker? Why is it so damaging? Because it stifles and demeans, putting both parties in bondage.

Most times it creates a fear built on paranoia. There are many signs a relationship is under attack by the wretched behavior of jealousy.

7 Signs You May Be Jealous

• Do you continually watch for the way he/she looks at other people?
• Are you concerned your bf/gf might be sneaking around behind your back even though you don't have any evidence for those accusations?
• Are you obsessed with the thought that you will soon lose your bf/gf to someone else?
• Do you question everything they say and do, because you are certain they aren't telling the truth?
• Do you demand your bf/gf quit hanging around or talking to anybody from the opposite sex?
• Are you always calling, texting, snapping your bf/gf to figure out where they are at that very moment?
• Do you demand your bf/gf only spend time with you?

These are just a few of the sure-fire ways to know the cancer of jealousy is eating away at your relationship.

Fear, Insecurity and Selfishness

At the very core of jealousy is fear, insecurity, and selfishness. Jessy commented: "I think a guy or girl being insecure will take a toll on a relationship because the one with the insecurities will over-react and accuse the other of things not necessarily true."

Brent summed it up well when he explained the confusion and hurt jealousy can bring. "She did that? He said this. It's all worthless chatter. I believe the only person that you can control is yourself. The only person you can change the thought patterns for is yourself. I wish I could take back the last years before the breakdown with my sweetheart."

Jealousy to Obsession

Being jealous will also cause you to be obsessed with your boyfriend or girlfriend. Worrying about his or her every move and smothering your boyfriend or girlfriend will definitely cause tremendous damage to the relationship. Jealousy also leads to an unhealthy desire to be possessive of your bf/gf. If you try to control them and make sure you are the only person, they ever do anything with, your jealousy has become toxic.

If you sense your relationship is being destroyed because of jealousy, you may want to admit to yourself that:

• Jealousy pretends to be a form of love.
• Jealousy is never love, but just the opposite.
• Jealousy is another form of selfishness.
• Jealousy is fed by fear.
• Jealousy is emotional poison.
• Jealousy causes unnecessary drama.
• Jealousy is destructive to the other person's self-esteem.
• Jealousy is cruel and stifling.
• Jealousy grows from deep within our troubled emotions.
• Jealousy seeks to control the other person.
• Jealousy causes confusion.
• Jealousy is time-consuming.
• Jealousy doesn't go away on its own.
• Jealousy wrecks relationships.

So, we've established that jealousy is unhealthy, but what if your boyfriend or girlfriend gives you reason.  Sarah asked: My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year. But all of a sudden, I don’t feel like I can trust him. He’s always had a thing for my best friend. But I don’t think I trust either of them right now. What should I do?

What if Your Trust Has Been Broken?

Unfortunately, finding someone who is completely trustworthy is not an easy thing to do. And often your intuition is right. But this doesn’t have to make you a miserable, jealous person, unless you let it. If you are beginning to have concerns, you might simply be curious about what’s going on under the surface. In Sarah's case, she might want to examine if they are spending time together alone? Does she find them talking together and then stop when she walks up? Or are they just being nice to each other?

There’s always a chance you might be overly sensitive to their innocent behavior. But there’s also a chance you’re not feeling completely valued and respected by your boyfriend, and you’re simply trying to find something (or someone) to point to as the reason for it.

Is Jealousy Ever Justified?

No matter what jealousy is never a healthy emotion, and as we've established it is rooted in fear, insecurity, and selfishness. Please don’t waste your time feeling jealous. That kind of stinky thinking only makes matters much worse, and it makes you a miserable person. The one thing you can do is show yourself to be someone who is trustworthy. This includes surrendering your desire to be a jealous or controlling person.

Put yourself in Sarah's situation. How would you handle it? Here are some suggestions I have:

If your best friend is doing things with your boyfriend that makes you uncomfortable, such as spending time alone with him or whispering behind your back, talk to her about how much her friendship means to you. Let her know that you need her help to make your dating relationship be as good as it can be. Her response to your request will tell you a lot about whether or not you can trust her.

You might need to communicate more clearly with your boyfriend about what you’re feeling. Don’t expect him to be able to read your mind. A difficult aspect of any relationship is having the courage to say the things you need to say the most. These things usually get worked out in the end. So, keep the faith and be the loving person you want both your boyfriend and best friend to be.

Take Responsibility for Your Choices.

So bottom line jealousy is not the answer. Communication is key. You are going to need to decide if they are trustworthy. If you discover they are not, cut the ties. I know this might be really hard, but you deserve far better, and you will find it.  Do not allow yourself to become insecure, fearful, selfish and miserable just to hold on to an untrustworthy person.

If you feel you are being jealous without cause, seek forgiveness from your bf/gf, taking the responsibility of being a relationship wrecker. Ask your partner to point out to you when you are showing signs of jealousy, and really work on being self-aware of when the toxic poison of jealousy is rising to the surface.

Thankfully there are countless ways to combat jealousy. Here are 8 ways to overcome jealousy in your relationship.

You may also want to talk with a minister, counselor, or therapist to help you get to the root of your jealousy. Or chat free online with a Hope Coach. 

My Experience With Suicidal Thoughts

First things first: if you clicked on this title, know that you are not alone.

If you are strongly considering suicide or have made plans or taken steps to carry out the plan, here are a couple of things to do before you continue reading:

1. If you’re alone, call a trusted friend and ask them to come over immediately, or go somewhere safe where you won’t be all by yourself. Isolation is never a good plan when you’re actively suicidal.

2. Get in touch with us at TheHopeLine or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline right away. As in, right now. Don’t put it off any longer. You deserve support in this moment, and there are kind, loving people ready to give it to you.

Okay, now that those two things are taken care of, let’s talk about hopelessness and challenge those suicidal thoughts.

When You Can’t See a Light at the End of the Tunnel

This world is a tough place to live, and sometimes it feels like life never stops pulling its punches. Whether you practice the healthiest coping mechanisms and actively seek counseling, or are a total stranger to self-care, therapy, and mental hygiene, there are going to be days when you get knocked down and just don’t want to get back up. And if you have a string of dark days all in a row? Well… it’s easy to see how the light at the end of the tunnel gets pretty dim, and you start to believe those good days were a myth to begin with.

If you believe that there’s no such thing as a good day, or those good days only happen to other people, that definitely sounds like hopelessness. In fact, you may be stuck in the cycle of a few unhealthy thinking patterns that are linked to depression and thoughts of suicide. If you simply can’t see a solution to your problems, whether they have to do with your school, your family, your friends, your love life, your body, or all of the above, your brain needs help getting out of that whirlpool of despair. It’s time to reach out to someone. 

It may not be that there IS no light at the end of the tunnel. It may be that it’s there, and your brain is hiding it from you. And since your brain is a powerful organ, you’re going to need help convincing it to let you see and feel the hope.

Who Can You Turn to, and What Do You Say?

“Get help” is what everyone says, right? But who exactly is supposed to help you? Part of feeling worthless, losing interest in life, and considering suicide is that you feel deeply alone. You may even have isolated yourself to the point that there isn’t really anyone you can think of to reach out to. So, when you read the words “get help,” that may make you feel worse. Stop. Remember the first sentence of this article? Here it is again: you are not alone! We’re right here, and we believe your life is worth living.

Click on this link if you don’t believe us.

Fine, so you’re not as alone as you feel, but once you reach out for help, what do you even say? Maybe you’ve tried to talk to people about this before, but they just don’t get it or even lectured or punished you for expressing these thoughts. Or you feel bad about being a burden, making them worry, or causing them pain. The great news is that if you chat with a Hope Coach, or with any hotline representative or other counselor, you don’t have to worry about shocking, hurting, or offending them.

They’ve heard it before and have chosen to be in a position to listen to your pain. There’s no wrong way to express it to them.

Here are some things you could say:

• Hi, I’m not okay. Things are just really hard lately, and I’m losing hope.
• I’ve lost all interest in the things I used to like.
• I feel like I’ve lost everything. I don’t know what to do.
• I don’t see the point of going on. What should I do?
• I think I’m suicidal. I need help.
• I don’t want to be alive anymore. Can you help me?
• I’m having suicidal thoughts, and I don’t know who else to turn to.

If you’re too scared or overwhelmed to come up with your own words right now, feel free to read one of those phrases aloud to someone on a hotline or even copy and paste them into TheHopeLine chat or email. The people on the other side are trained to take over from there, so take a deep breath, answer their questions, and let them help you.

Reasons to Keep Living

Remember how you’re not alone? You’re really not. In the US, almost 50,000 people die from suicide every year, but far more than that attempt to end their lives, survive, and go on to experience the hope and fulfillment they thought they never could. Some of those survivors have shared reasons they are glad they didn’t succeed and why they are glad to be alive today. If you’re struggling to figure out what’s worth fighting for in your life, take a look at two of the most highly reported things these survivors live for:

• Relationships. They are glad to be alive so that they can experience the connection they get from friends and family.
• Purpose. They have used their life to serve others, and they can see how the world is better off for having them in it.

Small Victories

If you made it to the end of this article, celebrate. That might sound or feel silly, but you, who were feeling so hopeless, worthless, and useless a few minutes ago actually took the incredibly brave and difficult step of reaching out into the darkness and grasping for hope by searching for and reading advice that might save your life. In a way, that means you do recognize the value of your life. That’s a victory! Look for other small victories that can help you make it through each moment as you continue your journey toward better mental health. Wash your face, drink a glass of water, text a friend, pet your dog, water a plant, etc. Any of those things are small but crucial victories that prove once again that you are a capable and worthwhile human being who deserves to live and live abundantly.

If you haven’t yet, reach out to us at TheHopeLine. We’d love to share resources with you and help you along on your journey toward believing that your life is sacred, and that you were created for so much more than the despair that’s been plaguing your heart. 

Remember: You’re not alone, suicide is never the only answer, and there are ways to get help. Don’t give up!

If you were not on this earth, life for everyone else who is still here would never be the same. Read, "Why Life if Worth Fighting For". 

My Experience With Depression and Suicide

I Thought My Brain Was Broken

I hope I haven't always been, but ever since I was little, I used to think there was always something telling me I was worthless and ugly; I thought my brain was broken. When I grew up my brother was going through a hard time, and he took it out on me by hitting me very hard. He would call me fat, ugly, worthless, terrible; it shaped how I still think of myself to this day. Since he was seven years older than me, and I was very young it affected me badly.

My mother and father would ignore me when I was angry or upset. I became older and it seemed like the world was crashing down on me. I hated my life so badly, but I also hated that I was ungrateful; I knew others were in worst positions than me, so I shoved my feelings down. Occasionally I would just lie on my floor, barely able to breathe, so angry and miserable that I would cry for long periods of time, staring in the mirror and hating myself.

Releasing Pain from My Body

I remember when I started to self-harm; the way it stung right before it bled made me feel better. It was like I was releasing pain from my body. When my mother found out about it, she hit me and screamed. I started to cut myself around my ribs and on my side to hide the marks, I couldn't stop.

During this time, I made a lot of friends who made me behave badly. I started to become very sexual, thinking that if boys wanted me, it meant I was beautiful. I was too young to think like this, but my best friend was doing it, so I decided to. I did things I regret so much that I still stay up thinking about them. I worry that more people will find out, and I actually fear that I will be in a lot of trouble, not just with my family.

I Wrote Suicide Notes

Somehow, I felt like someone was taking over my body and making me hate myself and helping me make bad decisions. I started therapy and I hated it, at first. I felt too vulnerable, like I wasn't strong, and I was so mentally unstable that I deserved to be in an institution. I realize I was wrong now; I was very strong. I cried a lot and got very angry at myself when I did, I learned later that this was because my parents have shamed me for crying growing up. My therapist seemed threatening to me, and I never fully got comfortable.  The lowest point was when I wrote suicide notes.

"I thought that I was meant to be the girl who killed herself, I didn't think I had a future." 
I started to take medicine for my depression, and it helped. Fighting with my parents became worse, and I was still making horrible decisions with boys at such a young age. My mother made me feel worthless, my father ignored me when she would strike me.

I'm Learning How to Cope

Eventually, the sadness ebbed away, my irritability started to lessen, I ignored my bad temptations. I was still depressed but I could handle it. After many different medicines and large upward and downward spikes in my mental health, I became stable. I got closer with friends, I stayed away from relationships until I loved myself, I stopped wanting to cut. My story is not very well written because I am still ashamed and will not write out the details. I want the readers to know that I am still struggling, that every day is a battle, but I learned how to cope. This is not exactly a happy ending, since I am lonely and still being bullied and harassed for my old behavior. Life doesn't give you happy endings, but you can make the best of it.  Having a mental illness is not a bad thing, and if you have one, you're allowed to feel and exist, you are not a burden.

There is hope!

-Elanor

A Message from TheHopeLine: 

Life is hard and you don't have to go through it alone. You are not a burden, and you deserve to be heard and understood. TheHopeLine is here to help you by offering sound advice and a safe place to connect. Take the next step and chat with a Hope Coach today.

If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. For additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

Do I Stay With an Addict?

I'm Engaged to a Drug Addict

Our featured guest is Sharona. She’s facing an extremely tough decision. Does she try to stay and support her drug-addicted fiancé one more time or does she leave him for good? His pattern is in and out of drugs, in and out of rehab, in and out of following God. Most important to consider is their 3 kids. Sharona wants them safe and secure.

Here’s Sharona’s story:

I’m 20 years old and have 2 beautiful girls and 1 baby boy on the way. I’m engaged to a drug addict. He’s been on drugs since he was 14 and he’s now 25. I’m living with him and his mom. He’s been relapsing. He’s only been able to be clean for maybe half a year. I’ve left many times but leaving is not always the right thing answer.

I am a believer in God and getting closer to God with him. I’m trying to get through to him instead of him doing these hardcore drugs. I want to be assured that I’m supposed to stay because we have a family together. I do really love him. I grew up in foster care and I always wanted a family to always love me and never be broken. That’s not what I want for my children. Right now, he’s in rehab and this is his last chance or it’s prison for 5 to 10 years. I want to be there to help him, but this is the third time. Am I wrong for wanting to stay with him?

Am I Wrong for Staying?

He’s going to get out of rehab in 45 days. The rehab program is Christian-based and then after that he has to go to probation. He has one more chance before he is sent to prison. How do I know what to do? I know I have to have faith. I have to protect myself and my kids. Am I wrong for staying or should I go?

Dawson: That’s a tough one. I have a question, What’s best for the kids?

Sharona: For me, even for them, what’s best is a family together.

Dawson: What’s best for the kids is to have a family together, but that doesn’t seem to be working out.

Sharona: It’s very hard to not have a daddy to look up to and a mother.

Dawson: I’m with you, the kids come first. We’re going to get some people to call and help who’ve probably been there.

Peer to Peer Advice for Sharona

Sharona gets advice from her peers, from people who’ve been there and have advice and encouragement for her.

You are the daughter of the Most-High God. – Heather

My pastor growing up has always told us to see ourselves as the most amazing, beautiful house you could think of, and that’s how God sees you. You wouldn’t go into a palace and just start smashing it with a hammer. And that’s what’s happening in my opinion to Sharona. She should be treating herself as the daughter of the most-high God and her children as they are children of God.

I know it seem easier to stay together for the 3 kids. I’m a single mother of 3 kids myself. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it, to know that my kids are in a Godly home. That they know God, and they’re not exposed to the negative decisions of my ex-husband with drugs, and he was a bad person.

Keeping the Kiddos Safe is Most Important – Rachel

I so appreciate that she wants to make sure her family stays as one. But the most important thing is to recognize that these kids need to be safe, in a safe environment. And with the constant substance abuse, in and out of the home, that’s not a safe environment for these kiddos. They are growing up realizing that people can come and go. Just like their mom, she said she grew up in foster care, and that’s traumatic. That’s not something anyone wishes on anyone. To make sure these kiddos are safe…that’s the selfless parent love making sure they are taken care of. And allow dad to get the help he needs while he’s in rehab. And we can pray for him. It’s never too late for him to turn his life around. Just because he’s been in rehab before doesn’t mean it won’t work. We can pray, and hope and expect his recovery.

I was with a drug addict for 8 years. - Lisa

I was with a drug addict for 8 years. After 3 years of being together, I thought maybe if we got married, he would change.

Marrying someone because you love them, does not change the addiction. It changed my children, and they needed to see me get strong enough to say it’s time to let go. Because in me staying with him, I was enabling him.

He is now clean and sober, but we are not together and never will be together again. I have become a stronger person. He’s become a stronger person. And in turn my children have turned to Christ now and we are now a Christian family.

If you could change one thing, what would it be?

I would have realized earlier in the situation that I can’t change him. He had to change him. He would go to rehab and come out saying I’m back being with God and then he’d do the exact same thing. He’d get sober, saying he was a Godly man, and he wasn’t. He was abusive with my children. If you stay in the same situation, you are enabling the addict. It doesn’t matter how much you love him. It doesn’t matter how much your children love him. It took me to realize that God had to be in charge, not me. Since he was forced to be alone, he is now back with God, and he is now clean.

Not an Easy Choice

The problem with addiction is that it’s almost always accompanied by abuse, neglect, fighting, dysfunction, lies, deceit, and the list goes on. When a person is constantly high or thinking about the next high, they are not focused on their family or the needs of their loved ones. They usually can barely take care of themselves, and many times don’t. And unfortunately, that leaves all the responsibility of your family to you, Sharona. Which is a lot to carry, but you don’t have to do it alone. God will help you. And you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. (Phil 4:13)

Our first peer-to-peer caller, Heather, says to treat yourself like the daughter of the King, which you are since you belong to God. As God says to His people in 2 Corinthians 6:18, “I will be a Father to you, you and will be My sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.”

I know you Sharona really want your kids safe, secure, and healthy. And the consensus is to prioritize your children and what’s best for them. And as Rachel said, your fiancé being in and out of the home, on and off drugs, it’s not a safe environment for them.

Sharona, I’m confident that God is working in your life. Here you are, not just doing whatever, making snap decisions, but instead you’re thinking about how you should handle this and weighing the consequences of your decisions. You’re also asking for advice…that’s wisdom!

It’s not an easy choice to be single, raising 3 kids, but it is necessary until your fiancé is clean and can be a force for good in your lives. And so, Sharona, let’s wrap up with this verse, Ephesians 6:10, “Be supernaturally infused with strength through your life union with the Lord Jesus. Stand victorious with the force of his explosive power flowing in and through you.”

Resources for addiction:

• Someone I love Has an Addiction: Can I Help?
• Recovery from Addiction
• Addiction Recovery Help: Can I Avoid Another Relapse?
• Podcast EP 36: How to Cope and Stay Clean After Prison
• How to Help Someone Who Is Overdosing

Relevant eBooks:

• Understanding Substance Abuse
• Understanding a Relationship with God

Need to talk to someone? Chat with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine.

One last thing,
My podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now on our Give Now page.

How to Go Back to School After a Breakup

Breakups are Painful

Not to be dramatic, but… breakups are hands down one of the more painful experiences we can go through in life. No matter the circumstances, the end of any relationship is heartbreaking. Whether it’s a friendly breakup or a messy one, there will be tears, angsty playlists, and late-night scrolls through old pictures on social media. The two most important medicines for quickly healing a broken heart. Time and distance. Being physically away from the person you used to love for a considerable amount of time can really help close up that wound and give you a chance to put yourself back together.

But what if you don’t have that luxury? What if you have to see them? Like… they’re in your math class or your lunch period or on your row in band? That’s tough. How do you deal with having to see your ex at school? Whether you broke up yesterday or two years ago, there are a few ways to cope with the awkwardness of being around whoever broke your heart.

Do You Have Closure?

First! Closure… that elusive moment when you finally achieve that feeling of peace about something in your heart. You understand why it happened, or at least you’ve accepted your situation and are ready to move forward. This is going to be an important ingredient of comfortably returning to school with your ex. So, ask yourself, “Do I have closure?” If you, have it, great. That means you’re at peace with the way things ended, and you’re ready to go about your life without this person. Without closure, school could feel a little claustrophobic. Is this one of those breakups where one person or the other thinks there could be a second chance? Or do you both feel confident about that chapter of your life being over? One thing’s for sure: going to school together is going to be especially tough if you’re not on the same page.

How do you get closure if you don’t have it? There are a couple of ways. You could work with a counselor or mentor to come to terms with the end of your relationship. This is a great way to achieve a sense of closure without having to interact with your ex.

Talking to someone who will listen with compassion, not judge you for your feelings, and can offer expert advice may be what you need to feel better. Another way to find closure is to talk to your ex. You could ask them to meet you for a cup of coffee, have a civil conversation to break the ice of returning to the same school, and establish that there are “no hard feelings” about the past. Proceed with caution! If you don’t sense that your ex is ready to talk to you, or if you still get extremely emotional about the breakup, it may be better to pursue closure on your own.

Have You Allowed Yourself Time to Grieve?

Second! A breakup is a loss. Loss is hard. Even if you only dated for a short time, or never said the word “love,” you gave a lot of time to this person. If you haven’t allowed yourself to cry, it’s time. If you haven’t allowed yourself to have a night or two or seven when you crank up the breakup playlist and dance it out, do so. Invite your friends over and watch a movie that will make you cry, then immediately watch another one that will make you laugh. Point being: Give yourself time to heal. You don’t have to rush back into dating, or act like you have it all together. If you walk through the doors of your school without processing your feelings, chances are those feelings will bubble over at the most awkward time, in the most awkward place.

Set Yourself Up for Success

Now for the practical tips. Closure and grieving are great, but they can take a while, and you need to be able to attend school in the meantime. If you’re heartbroken and don’t want to rack up absences avoiding your ex, here’s what to do:

• Distance yourself from your ex and their friends when possible. This is especially tough if you and your ex share friends, but hopefully you have a friend or two who you can trust to eat lunch with you at a separate table or see movies with on weekends. If you were sitting next to your ex in class, move seats. If you were supposed to go to a concert together next month, give away the tickets. If they hang out in front of the school every morning, start using the back door. It may sound silly, even petty, but minimizing the number of triggering encounters you have each day may help you cope with being at the same school until you feel better.
• Focus your energy on new activities or groups at school. Join a new club. Ask one of your clubs if you can take on new responsibilities. Find something new to get involved in that you never did with your ex. That way, you have something to do that’s fun, engaging, and won’t remind you of them. Now’s the time to try things you never thought you would! Audition for the fall play. Ask to write for the school paper. It could be the start of a lifelong love.
• Avoid dwelling on heartbreak or anger in conversations with friends. It can be tempting to sit around with your friends and badmouth your ex or judge their activities, but nothing positive comes from that.
• It can also be tempting to constantly check their social media to see how they’re doing without you. It’s not good for you to let your mind get stuck in the “breakup loop.” Get busy with something besides wallowing in the pain. Your pain is valid! But you’ve grieved (see above), and you’re torturing yourself by dwelling on your ex all day.
• Make friends with a new person. Find someone who didn’t know you before you dated your ex. Maybe you already know them, but you aren’t close. Maybe you’re “friends,” but you don’t hang out. See if they want to grab food after school or play video games one night. Having a new friend who doesn’t associate you with your ex (and who you don’t associate with your ex) can not only be a nice break from thinking about the breakup but could also be… wait for it… fun.

Don’t Do It Alone

Finally, don’t isolate. Holding yourself hostage to your broken heart is unfair, unhealthy, and can lead to depression. Find folks to surround you with support, whether that be a group of friends at school, a small group or Bible study at church, or a mental health support group recommended by your counselor. If you don’t know where to start or who to talk to, chat online with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine. We understand the pain of a broken heart, and more importantly, we know that Jesus heals the brokenhearted.

You are not, never have been, and never will be alone in this fight, so please reach out and let us support you in any way we can. You deserve to be able to go to school each day without being afraid of running into your ex, and we want you to know that’s possible.

The overall perception is that guys tend to cheat more than girls and that’s what the stats have shown…until recently. Now, there’s evidence that shows women are cheating more than they used to, and almost as much as men.

Many of the reasons people cheat, whether male or female, are the same – revenge, boredom, thrill, low self-esteem, unhappiness, not feeling committed, variety, sex addiction, etc. But experts seem to agree that guys and girls are motivated to cheat for different reasons. Guys tend to be motivated by sex and getting attention while girls tend to want to fill an emotional void. Of course, there are always exceptions and outliers to the norm.

There are some more common reasons guys cheat and the same for girls.

Why Do Women Cheat?

Here are some of the more common reasons girl's cheat:

Because they’re lonely.

Loneliness is considered a global problem. So many people are lonely and don’t know how or can’t find people to form those much-needed community bonds. A woman who cheats could feel very lonely on a daily basis even within a marriage or committed relationship and if someone comes along who fills that loneliness, it can lead to an affair.

Because they develop an emotional connection.

Women tend to feel valued and connected more through emotional connections than sexual activity. An emotional connection most often starts with an acquaintance which leads to a friendship which can lead to an affair because of the deep emotion they feel towards that person.

Because they have unrealistic expectations in their current relationship.

Some women expect their boyfriend or husband to meet all of their needs, all of the time - 24/7. No person is capable of meeting all the needs of another person – emotional, spiritual, physical, mental. So, dissatisfied at some point, the woman starts looking to someone else for her needs, even though her expectations were unfair to begin with.

Because the new person made them feel special.

Women want to be desired. They want to feel as if they are the most beautiful girl in the world. They want to be told how wonderful they are so they can feel special. If another person makes them feel that way, it can lead to cheating.

Because they are not fully committed. 

Romantic relationships are nothing like the movies. There are really tough days when you have to work really hard to communicate and get along. Sometimes you might even think, “I don’t like this person today.”  If you are not fully committed to the person you are with and making your relationship work, there are plenty of other guys out there who look appealing to be with.

Because they want an escape from their life.

Life can get monotonous for everyone. Wake up, go to work, take care of kids, make dinner, clean up, go to bed, rinse and repeat, day after day. When you are with the same person in the relationship, doing the same things together day after day, it can get boring. There may be nothing necessarily ‘wrong’ in the relationship, but they feel trapped in an endless cycle of humdrum living. Having an affair is an escape from the drudgery of everyday life.

Because they have a deep longing in their soul, that no one person can fill.

Inside of every human is a deep longing for a connection and oneness with their creator. We can ignore that part of us. We can try to fill it with people and with other things, but ultimately that longing will never go away until it is filled. We will never feel complete until we allow Jesus Christ into our lives and accept Him as our Lord and savior.

Too often we look to our partner to make us feel whole…to complete us. A human doesn’t have the capacity to do that.  They can meet some of your needs, but not all. Until you find that deep connection with God, you may be willing to cheat to try to fill the deep need.

These are reasons for cheating, not excuses. There is never a valid excuse for cheating. Cheating breaks hearts and destroys trust, ultimately destroying relationships. If you can recognize the reasons people cheat, you may be able to prevent yourself from doing it. It’s always better to walk away from a relationship before jumping into another one mid-relationship. And there are far better ways for dealing with boredom, loneliness, and low self-worth than the temporary fix of cheating. Trust us, the cycle of being untrustworthy and having meaningless relationships will leave you ashamed and empty in the end.

Are you the cheater? Whether the relationship survives or not, move forward. To have a meaningful relationship in the future, try these 5 life-changing steps.

My Experience With Bullying

I Tried to Be Invisible

I was trying to get to my desk in history class when he said it. Twenty years later I can still tell you that he was wearing a burgundy shirt that day. I remember that he started to walk away and then turned back for one more comment. He seemed to really take a moment to think before the words came out: "I could never forget your face. It’s so ugly."

Bullying takes a lot of different forms. Some people get forced into lockers. Others get pushed around or beaten. Some people walk into a room, and everyone turns away. For me it was words. “You’re so stupid” and “You know that no one likes you, right?”

Some days it was commented about how I looked, other days I’d get on the school bus and hear graphic descriptions of how they thought I’d be in bed.

• Keep your head down. Don’t say a word. Try to be invisible. Maybe if they forget you’re here it will stop. It didn’t stop.

It was relentless. There were six of them and only one of me, so I learned the language of silence pretty quickly. Keep your head down. Don’t say a word. Try to be invisible. Maybe if they forget you’re here it will stop.

The Bullying Didn't Stop

It didn’t stop in grade 6, or grade 7 or 8. When I started high school, I hoped I could disappear in the crowd of 1,200 students, but that didn’t work either. It didn’t stop that year, or the next year or the one after that.

I used to get off the bus and walk as slowly as I could back to my house. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to get home; it was just that I knew at that moment it was 18 hours until I had to go back. It was the safest part of the day, but the clock was always ticking.

Fear Is an Exhausting Way to Live

I can tell you from experience that fear is an exhausting way to live. I had evenings and weekends off. I can only imagine how hard it is for students today when the Internet can spread a lie in a heartbeat and social media gives the bullies a way to talk to you before you even get out of bed in the morning.

Here’s what I know now: help was available if I had just asked. I got away from the bullies, but I could have made that move years earlier if I had told someone what was happening to me. I was too scared to say anything, terrified that it would get worse. I never said a word. I didn’t tell my parents until years after it was over. When one of my favorite teachers asked me, “Are those guys bothering you?” I lied to his face.

• Intimidation is part of bullying and part of other forms of abuse too.

As an adult I understand that intimidation is part of bullying. It’s part of other forms of abuse too. The one in power isolates the victim. He convinces her that her thoughts are not valid. She reminds him, over and over, that no one is listening, that he is invisible. They make you believe that you don’t matter and that no one would rescue you even if they knew what was happening.

Bullies and abusers convince you that you are utterly alone and that’s a very dangerous place to be.

Bullying Left Me Planning My Own Suicide

For me, this belief that all these awful things they said were true left me planning my own suicide. I’ve heard people say that “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem” and respectfully, that’s garbage.

By the time I was ready to end my life I’d been dealing with verbal and emotional abuse every single day for more than six years. That is not “temporary.” I was 16 by then; it was almost half my life.

Quips and bon mots do not help in the face of something as serious and scary as bullying and suicide. What does help is this definition that comes from the leading suicide site on the web: “Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.”

Suicide happens when the unbearable weight you’ve been carrying finally crushes you. It is not a cop-out, a selfish choice, the easy way, or an escape. It is the final scene in a battle that was never a fair fight to begin with.

Suicide is always a tragedy. It’s always the worst possible outcome. If you or someone you know is dealing with suicidal thoughts pick up the phone and call 1 800 SUICIDE. There is a better way.

Getting the Bullies Words Out of Your Head

As an adult, there’s something else I know. It takes a long, long time to get the words the bullies said out of your head and make those voices go away. When you hear the same things over and over, they get inside your thinking. Reclaiming your own thoughts is possible, but it takes time.

• Suicide happens when the unbearable weight you’ve been carrying finally crushes you. It is not a selfish choice. It is the final scene in a battle that was never a fair fight to begin with.

The first time I told the whole story, the real story, of what happened to me, was during my last year of university. A very good friend of mine held my hands as I shook with the telling of it. To this day he is the only one who knows all of it.

He wrote me a letter that I used to read every time those old ideas came running through my head. It was something solid I could hold in my hands when I doubted everything else. It was my lifeline for a long time. I’m happy to say that I don’t have to pull it out very often these days.

If you’ve been bullied his words are for you too. You’re welcome to borrow them:
Don’t listen to the voices. You are beautiful. You are intelligent. You are loved. You are not alone.

There Is Help if You're Being Bullied

If you’re being bullied or if you still hear the things they used to say to you in high school, you’re not alone. You are not who they say you are. If you want to talk about it, chat with a HopeCoach. A HopeCoach is ready to listen and help you through this!

Used with permission of Power to Change. Originally published at issuesiface.com.

If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. For a list of crisis centers around the world and additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

If you’ve ever made plans to hang out with friends, only to feel that wave of dread wash over you an hour before you need to leave the house because you just don’t want “to people,” you may be wondering if you have social anxiety. 

We’ve all canceled plans once or twice for various reasons, but if you’re canceling social engagements frequently because you get overwhelmed by the idea of being around people, even your friends, or if you miss school or dread going into work because of the small talk and social encounters involved, you might want to talk to your counselor or therapist about Social Anxiety Disorder.

Being an introvert is one thing but panicking about or avoiding every social interaction is eventually going to take a toll on your work or school performance (and your happiness), so let’s look at ways to understand and navigate living with social anxiety.

What to Know About Social Anxiety

What is Social Anxiety Disorder? 

Social anxiety, or social phobia, doesn’t mean that you’re “antisocial” or don’t like other people. It can, however, mean anything from being shy about meeting new people to having actual panic attacks in the midst of social interactions. It can also manifest in oddly specific ways, such as a fear of public speaking or the inability to use public restrooms. It’s a diagnosable form of anxiety, which the DSM-V defines as a “marked fear or anxiety about one or more social situations in which the individual is exposed to possible scrutiny by others.” 

If you struggle to make friends, keep friends, find romantic partners, attend school, talk to teachers or bosses, or participate in activities that require you to be around people, you could be among the many folks who have SAD. You may have to be exhibiting pretty extreme anxiety about social situations to be diagnosed with the official disorder, but even if you’re just struggling with occasional nervousness, it’s valuable to recognize that it’s quite common to experience social anxiety on any level.

Signs & Symptoms of Social Anxiety

It’s perfectly normal to feel nervous before you present an important project in front of your class and to get that classic feeling of butterflies in your stomach before going on a date. Social anxiety takes those “normal” stress reactions to a whole new level. So how do you know if you have it? We’ve listed some examples already, but two big factors to look out for are avoidance and extreme discomfort. If you either go to extremes to avoid social situations in the first place or endure them while experiencing noticeable discomfort, you’re likely a socially anxious person, and you’re not alone. Some other common examples are:

• Poor school or work attendance. While there can be a number of other reasons behind frequent absences, missing classes or work shifts is a common sign of social anxiety. Talk to someone about why you’re not showing up, and don’t be afraid to ask for help if you suspect you’re struggling with SAD.
• Substance abuse. Someone with social anxiety may try to use substances as a way of “lowering inhibitions” when faced with socialization. While it may seem like a good idea to enjoy a glass of “liquid courage” to quell those nerves about making small talk at your next party, if you’re so uncomfortable that you need it, that’s a sign of an unhealthy reliance or addiction.
• Loneliness or isolation. If you avoid socializing, it’s not surprising that you might find yourself missing your friends or wishing you had more support. If the fear of feeling uncomfortable or judged around others is extreme enough that you prefer to stay home, it’s time to consider whether you have SAD.
• Feeling physically tense, avoiding eye contact, excessively sweating, or feeling nauseated in social situations. You make it out of the house, and you show up to the event! But you’re miserably uncomfortable the entire time. Though there are other illnesses that could cause this level of discomfort, it may also be a good idea to get evaluated for SAD.

Ways to Cope with Social Anxiety at School or Work

If you think you’re dealing with Social Anxiety Disorder, it’s important to see a professional so you can receive a diagnosis and pursue proper treatment. In the meantime, there are a lot of things you can try on your own to help with the complications of being socially anxious during your day-to-day life. For example:

1. Recognize unhealthy thinking patterns. Social anxiety is usually about the fear of being judged or rejected if we show up and offer ourselves to the world. It tells us that people won’t like us, that we’re too annoying, too loud, too quiet, too tall, etc. Learn to listen when your brain starts to tell you these lies and identify when your thoughts are repeating those lies to you. Remind yourself that you can’t read other people’s minds, nor can you predict the future. And in all honesty, people are often so focused on themselves, they aren’t really even paying that much attention to you. We think people are watching us MUCH more than they are.

2. Brush up on current events. If it’s the small talk and conversation that worries you, a little bit of study may help you feel more prepared for surprise interactions at work or school. There are a number of apps you can try to help you keep up with the news and pop culture tidbits. It may sound silly, but even, “Hey, have y’all seen this TikTok trend?” is a perfectly normal way to start or add to a casual conversation. Keep yourself up to date, and sooner or later, that knowledge will probably come in handy.

3. When appropriate, ask a friend to come with you to events. Obviously, you can’t just bring your BFF to sit next to you while you audition for the jazz band, but you could ask them to wait outside! And you can ask to bring a guest to a work party if that might help you feel more comfortable engaging with the event. Relying on the support you have is a great way to cope with SAD.

4. Move your body. The body and mind are connected, which is why you experience physical symptoms for psychological problems. This is actually pretty good news, because it means you may be able to mitigate the psychology (social anxiety) with the physical (moving your body). Take a break from whatever you’re doing when you start to feel anxious. Stand up, grab a glass or water, take some deep breaths, and do some stretching until you feel a little better. If you’re anticipating a tough day, take a long walk and listen to a book or podcast to fill up your “peace” tank--you may need it later. 

5. Leave when you need to. It’s okay to recognize that maybe you don’t have to sit through dinner if you’re so nervous that you feel like you might vomit, or if you’re shaking so hard you can’t continue with a conversation. Calmly and politely explain that you’re not feeling well and leave. Go home, be kind to yourself, and seek help from a professional to find treatments that can help you avoid another situation that extreme. 

Learn to Cultivate Real Community

There’s no shame in struggling with SAD, but if you’re struggling to talk about it, try reaching out to us at TheHopeLine. We’re happy to chat with you because we believe you’re worthy of love and respect, not the judgment and scrutiny you might fear happens with strangers. We were created for community, and when people can come together in love and trust to experience true fellowship and have a good time, there’s nothing more beautiful. Your social anxiety could be trying to rob you of that! Don’t let it.

-Cara Beth

 

Why Do People Cheat?

Betrayal Hurts

When someone you love and trust decides to hurt you, the pain cuts deep, so deep that the stories sometimes go down in history, whether they’re real or fictional. We know the stories of Olivia Rodrigo’s “Traitor,” Archie and Veronica in Riverdale, and the classic betrayals of old like Edmund Pevensie and his siblings in Narnia, Jesus and Judas, Samson and Delilah, and so many more. Whether you’re standing on the other side of that betrayal with a dagger in your back or you’re just reading about it, you’ve probably wondered, “Why? How could they do that?”

Cheating is essentially betrayal. It’s taking a bond of love and pulling the rug out from under the unsuspecting person who trusts that they are safe and secure in that relationship. Just like in the examples above, betrayal doesn’t necessarily mean that the betrayer no longer loves the betrayed. Edmund loves his brother and sisters, and Judas loves Jesus. But somehow in that moment, and in the moment when a loved one cheats on their romantic partner, the temptation of the temporary benefits of cheating outweighed the value of a lasting relationship. But still, both the cheated and the cheater are stuck asking, “Why?” Why do people cheat on people they love?

Why Do People Cheat?

Though every situation is unique and warrants its own careful consideration, there are some common reasons that people cheat in romantic relationships. Though there’s some research that suggests men cheat for different reasons than women cheat, there are still plenty of shared elements across the board. It’s important to note that you can have an explanation for an action that still does not excuse that behavior. These reasons are not excuses, but they may help to understand how and why the cheating took place. 

Reasons Why People Cheat

1. Sometimes, the cheater is actually just “done” with their current relationship and doesn't know how to end it. This is no excuse for breaking the trust their partner has in them, but there are times in both marriage and dating relationships when, perhaps, the person who ends up cheating has been “over” their partner for a while. Either because there are several years invested in the relationship, children in the situation, or just plain cowardice, the betrayer is too scared to say the words, “I’m breaking up with you.” Breakups and divorces are difficult, even for the person who initiates them. The fact is that at one point there was probably love there, and it can be a terrifying thing to imagine giving up that feeling of security, even if the relationship no longer fulfills you.

2. Often, the cheater looks for something on the side because they feel a lack of something in their current relationship, like they’re missing something. Maybe they feel lonely because their partner is busy, traveling, sick, or emotionally distant. Maybe they feel neglected or ignored at home, and they look for acceptance and intimacy elsewhere, when they really want it from their partner. Again, the healthier choice would be to communicate the desire for more intimacy with their partner, rather than choose betrayal, but sometimes reaching for cheating is like reaching for comfort food… it’s just temporarily filling a void, not really satisfying the need.

3. Others cheat out of sheer overwhelm or as a response to past trauma. If they have abandonment issues, certain mental illness, or a number of fears regarding security and relationships, they may subconsciously feel that it’s unwise to turn down any opportunity for love and affection, even if it means betraying their partner. They may, in a way, be incapable of refusing any opportunity for intimacy, whether it’s real or false, because of a deep-seated fear of being alone or unliked. Because the traumas that cause these fears often result in substance abuse as well, it’s sometimes the case that the cheater is abusing alcohol or drugs when they step out on their partner. The sensory overload of being intoxicated at the same time as being in a tricky situation is too much for them to handle in a way that reflects their values. Again, this reason is no excuse, and the cheater in this case needs treatment and to honestly confront their own problems.

4. Sadly, there are also those who cheat out of plain ole selfishness. It’s true. Maybe their expectations of their current relationship are unreasonably high, and they think they “deserve better,” when really, they’re being treated perfectly well and don’t care who they hurt in the process. Maybe they just think one night of harmless fun doesn’t matter, when really it can decimate a family and break a heart. In this case, it’s likely that cheating isn’t the only way in which this person is being selfish in the relationship. It’s also the case that this reason, among all the others, may be the most difficult to forgive, because there may be no remorse.

Can You Rebuild Trust?

Remember those examples of great betrayals? Some of those ended better than others. Some of the betrayers at least regretted what they did, which is something. They learned a lesson. They might not repeat the same mistakes, given the opportunity. But Edmund Pevensie from The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe is a great example of a betrayer who actually found redemption. Sure, this example isn’t one of romantic cheating, but bear with the comparison for a moment. He became swept up in the promise of feeling special, which is the same way many romantic cheaters have been enticed into their actions. He felt, briefly, that he deserved something more than he was getting, and in a moment of isolation and selfishness, he gave away information that could have had his family and much of Narnia murdered in cold blood. When he was caught, everyone had a right to want him dead in return. When he saw the error of his ways, he ran from the White Witch, asked Aslan’s forgiveness and repented to his siblings and promised to regain their trust, and though it must have been incredibly hard for his siblings, Peter, Susan, and Lucy, they eventually couldn’t help but forgive their beloved brother. They found a stronger relationship on the other side of the trauma.

Moving On Will Require Some Work

A word of caution: not every cheater deserves the same amount of renewed trust as Edmund. If you’ve cheated or been cheated on, it’s important to note that he worked to earn that. If that work doesn’t happen, it’s time to consider breaking up. But a word of hope: cheating and betrayal are not always the end of a relationship. Perhaps it might mark the end of a certain era of your relationship. Perhaps it will never be the way it was before. Perhaps it will be more distant. Perhaps it will be sweeter. The important thing is for the person who committed the betrayal to be able to honestly confront themselves about how and why it happened, and for the betrayed to weigh whether their new boundaries can include someone who once broke them.

If you’ve cheated, been cheated on, or you’re the child of a parent who cheated on another, it can be difficult to swim in all the feelings that happen after an event like that. Please feel free to reach out to someone at TheHopeLine, where we can chat with you about the next steps, whether to approach the other people involved in the trauma, and how to set boundaries and seek healing in the aftermath. You’re not alone, and there is always hope. Remember that while Christ’s story is one of redemption, it is also one of consequences, and while healing is always a possibility, the fact is that a cheating situation has to be honestly confronted before that can happen.

Are you the cheater? Whether your relationship survives or not, move forward. To have meaningful relationships in the future try these 5 life-changing steps.