I Thought I Had Time to Talk to My Dad About God

“My father passed away and I don’t know for sure, but I don’t think he was saved. So, I’ve really been struggling with not only is my dad gone, but I don’t know where he is.” – Savannah

Thanks for joining us! In this episode, we’re talking with Savannah. Her father just recently passed away. She says she’s struggling because she’s not sure if he was saved. She’s unclear whether he’s in heaven with God or possibly in hell.

If you’ve had a loved one die and wondered if they made it to heaven, then this is going to be a great episode for you
We’ll also be discussing the question: How can a holy, loving God send anyone to hell? If this is a question you’ve wondered about, then stay tuned.

I Don’t Think My Father Was Saved

Savannah: My father passed away and it was determined it was a drug overdose. My heart almost stopped beating when I heard the news. I am really into church. I was actually planning to go to college to become a pastor. Right when I started getting really involved in church is when everything happened. My dad was dedicated to the church when he was a baby, but I don’t know for sure, but I don’t think he was saved. So, I’ve really been struggling with not only is my dad gone, but I don’t know where he is.

Dawson: This is a major struggle for you? You’re afraid he’s in hell?

Savannah: I’m afraid that he’s struggling more now than he was when he was here. It’s hard for me to accept that’s potentially true.

Dawson: That’s pretty heavy! This much we do know. He went to a perfectly loving, kind, holy, just God and He’s going to take care of it. When we get to heaven, we will have a different perspective about it.

How Can a Loving God Send Anybody to Hell?

People ask the question, “How can a loving God send anybody to hell?”

My answer is, “How could a holy God wait so long to do it?”

If we knew how holy God really was and the horribleness of our sin. If there was no Christ, what hope would we have? We just have to say, God you’re the one to wipe away all tears. I trust my father with you, God. Your will is best. When I’m there I will understand it and live in it, because there is some mystery there.

Savannah: Everyone’s been asking me, “How are you not angry at God?” Because I’m not. My main thing is I had on my heart for so long, “just talk to your dad about me.” I was like, “I have time. I have time to do that.” And it turned out I didn’t.

Dawson: People say, “How can God do this to you?” But what does God owe us?

Savannah: Nothing! He’s given us everything.

Dawson: The only thing that God owes us is judgment. The only thing we’ve earned before God is hell for the way we have lived.
God giving you your father for over 20 years is all an act of grace. That we breathe one more breath is all God’s goodness and grace. So, let’s not get into this God owes me something and how dare he take away a loved one.

Carrying A Lot of Guilt

Savannah: Yes. I just have a lot of regret for not sharing the gospel with my dad. Knowing that I should have, and then him being gone.

Dawson: But God had all these different ways to get to your dad. Believe me, your dad heard the gospel. He definitely had a chance.

Savannah: Me and my dad had a pretty rocky past, because I pretty much put him off because of his addiction. I had to cut him off because he’s bringing all this negativity into my life. I just gave up pretty much and then he was gone.

Dawson: You’re being way too tough on yourself. What he put you through, no one should have to go through. My sense of it is he saw the love of Christ in you. He saw enough in you that if he wanted to, he could have been and might have been drawn in by the love of Christ.

Peer to Peer: Advice for Savannah

The Guilt is From Satan – Cleveland

The Holy Spirit led me to call and tell Savannah that the guilt she’s feeling, and those questions are only from Satan. God is the one who’s in control of everything. Don’t let Satan come in there and pull her away from God. Obviously, she’s on the right path with Jesus. So, keep your head up and know that God is in control of everything!

Also, I’m sure no man passes from this earth without God having the chance to witness to them, either through her life or through someone else’s. Everyone gets a chance to meet Jesus.

“The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead, he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.” 2 Peter 3:9

Trust That God Got Through to Him at Some Point – Nicole

Nobody but your dad and God, Savannah, knows whether he was saved or not. Just because his life might not be like it should have been, doesn’t mean he didn’t know God. We all backslide at some time. Maybe he wasn’t making the right decisions in life, but trust that God got through to him at some point and maybe you just didn’t know it.

Your Dad Saw Your Walk with Jesus

I heard you talking about how much you’re doing for God right now. I agree with Cleveland. Don’t let the devil bring you down, because you’re in a great place. I’m 29 years old and I’ve struggled for a long time, and I’ve recently just in the past 2 months gotten back into church. Your dad saw your walk with Jesus. Even if you didn’t communicate it to him that much, your dad knows you had a strong connection with God. Therefore, God had to have been speaking to him. You don’t know, he might have accepted Christ. Cling to the power of Jesus’s name and trust in God.

Cling to Help from Family and Friends - Katherine

Savannah, the Lord needs your heart. It’s about you and God at this point. Your dad and God’s relationship is their own. Nothing you can do can change that. I’m sure he’s in heaven being taken care of and watching over you. Cling to help from family and friends because friends are family. Also, seeing a therapist will help. We all need therapy daily, whether it’s art therapy, friend therapy or just you and God alone with your prayers and thoughts.

God Forgives You, So Forgive Yourself - Stacey

Savannah is blaming herself. God forgives her so she needs to forgive herself. Every one of us has been in that position where God wanted us to do something, and we didn’t do it.  So, we learn by that, it makes us stronger.

I lost my dad in a different situation, but not knowing where he was. I know God has the answers and will get her through it.

It’s Really Hard to Think About a Loved One Not Making it to Heaven

Cleveland the guy we heard from first, said he was led by the Holy Spirit to assure you, Savannah, that God is in control and the guilt you carry is not from God but is coming from Satan. Now, I’m like most people, I don’t like talking about the devil very much. I’d rather just ignore him, but we do have to recognize that he is working on this earth and will use any situation in our life to try to steal from us, kill us or destroy us.

The awesome part of having a relationship with God is that God knows us and lays His life down for us, so we don’t have to be destroyed by the devil. God gives us an abundant life with power over evil.

Savannah, it was interesting that both Nicole and Katherine said the relationship your father had with God is between him and God and not up to you. The one thing you can focus on now is your trust and faith in God. And remember that God is a loving, compassionate and merciful God.

It is really hard to think about one of our loved ones not making it to heaven, and that’s why we must share who God is with all those in our lives. Sometimes we think there’s plenty of time like Savannah did. Sometimes we think they’ve heard about God enough already. This is where we can rely on God and the Holy Spirit to guide us as to when to talk about Him and how to do it. And then when they have passed on, we lean into God and trust Him with the rest.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

Now, if you have any questions about eternity, what happens when we die or really any questions at all, chat with us at TheHopeLine.com. We’re here to help on this journey we call life.

Faith Resources:

• Building Faith: How Prayer Helps Heartbreak
• How to Cling to God in the Midst of Anxiety and Worrying
• Faith When Life Is Hard: God Understands Your Pain
• BrokenHearted: Loving God Through Painful Times
• The End of My Grieving Process

Need to talk to someone? Chat with a Hope Coach at TheHopeLine.

One last thing,
My podcast, our website, and everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now on our Give Now page.

This is the Dawson McAllister Podcast, and until next time…Remember you are loved, you are valuable, and God has an amazing plan for your life. - Rachel

My Story of Insecurity

Everyone is insecure over something. I've yet to find one person who loves everything about themself.

Unfortunately, my insecurities led me to develop anxiety and depression. Being a teen in middle school makes yourself appearance stand out more and more. In 8th grade, I noticed how all of my friends had boyfriends and nice clothes and nice houses. And then I began to feel I wasn't good enough because no guys "liked" me, and they liked my friends.

I didn't have brand-name clothes because my parents just couldn't afford them. And my house is small and not the nicest. So, I decided since I wasn't perfect like my friends seemed to be.  I tried everything to be perfect. I began to plan out a diet which soon turned into a dangerous eating disorder. I had cuts all over my arms, stomach, and legs.
I felt hopeless.

My parents seemed as if nothing was wrong...like they were ashamed of me. That really sucked. I would come home and cry every single day and lock myself into my room and beg God to let me die.

But then I found this website. I talked to a HopeCoach and they said the right things. They made me feel like I wasn't a mistake. They said I was perfect... just for being me. I cried tears of joy and thanked them. God answered my prayers.

If I hadn't found this website...I would probably have tried to commit suicide.

Thank you TheHopeLine.com! You changed my life tremendously.
- Erin

Don’t stay in that place of insecurity, it’s going to take time to change what you think about yourself but it’s possible. TheHopeLine’s eBook on self-worth gives practical advice on how to increase your self-esteem.

If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. For additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

Benefits of Counseling in College

Counseling as College Students

College students are often hesitant to see a counselor or get help with their struggles. It may be due to the busy nature of student life, fear of judgment from peers, or a belief that your problem “isn’t bad enough.” For whatever reason, counseling in college is not always a priority.

However, if you are struggling, receiving support is crucial to your health and wellbeing, and not something that should be put off.

A few weeks ago, a friend and I were having a conversation about our experiences with counseling as college students. In light of that conversation, I wanted to address how therapy made a world of difference for both of us.

College before counseling  

I went through my first year of college battling some disordered eating. It started in high school but was exacerbated by the freedom that came with moving away from home. Although I was still able to maintain my grades and keep up with a social life, it was not an easy task.

Obsessive thoughts about food crept into nearly every waking moment. My mind had little to no room for anything other than worry about food and my body. I was constantly preoccupied with concerns about what I was going to be eating, guilt surrounding food, and stress about exercise. This mentality became extremely dangerous to me—my actions and thoughts were harming me, but I didn’t even realize it at the time.

I recognize now that while at college, I was especially vulnerable because of the vast accessibility to unhealthy ways to cope with my struggles.

Before my friend started receiving counseling, she turned to alcohol and partying to grapple with many underlying issues, such as disordered eating, self-harm, depression, and anxiety. She was always a hardworking student, so she would throw herself into schoolwork, and then party on the weekends. Both of those activities served as a strategy to avoid confronting her mental wellbeing. However, due to expressed concern from friends, she eventually started seeing a therapist.

Counseling gives freedom from thoughts that hold us captive

My friend told me that once she started seeing her therapist, she saw a huge change in her self–image and emotional wellbeing and that she was able to be a better friend to others. When you are in a state of crisis 24/7 inside your own head, it affects every area of your life. She told me, “I had a pretty negative relationship with food since I was probably 11 or 12 years old, so to be able to eat intuitively and not control what I was eating all the time was an accomplishment made possible by months of counseling.”

I am also very thankful that I decided to see a counselor before my problems worsened. I was already in a bad spot, but it likely would have gotten even worse, had I not gotten help when I did.

During my freshman year, I believed that I would simply always think this way and that my mind would forever be trapped in thoughts of self-hatred and a lack of control. However, through a summer of consistent sessions with my therapist, I went into my sophomore year, much more equipped to handle my issues with food and body image. Although there was more work to be done, I found that I had so much more mental space for more important things— friendships, school material, and just making good memories while I was at school.

Improve your capability to succeed academically 

My friend and I also discussed how difficult it is to focus on schoolwork when you are not in a good place mentally— something that seems obvious, yet so many college students still leave their issues unaddressed and suppress them.

My friend told me, “Because I was no longer having obsessive thoughts about food, and because I wasn’t experiencing bouts of depression all the time, I was able to complete my schoolwork much more easily. Going to class was a much easier task, writing papers wasn’t so daunting and overwhelming anymore, and the time it took me to complete my assignments was drastically diminished. Talking with my counselor when I was at rock bottom, at the point of considering dropping out for the semester, helped me develop strategies to complete my schoolwork, even amidst my worst depressive episodes.”

After getting some counseling, I too could see a considerable improvement in my ability to focus, my productivity, and my capability to deal with a stressful week. When I was at a very low point, I was taking a lot of unnecessary time to plan out meals, grocery shop, or worry about my food and workouts. Once I began to have a more laid-back approach to nutrition and was not constantly slaving away at trying to change my body, I automatically had more time. I was then able to use this new time and mental space to work on my classwork, and it was much easier to succeed.

Take the next step, see a counselor 

To anyone hesitant to see a counselor or take time to care for their mental health, know that the Lord wants to take over here in order for you to find healing, even if you think you can “fix” yourself on your own.

Or, if you think your problems aren’t that significant, know that it is never a sign of weakness to seek professional help. You may be surprised at everything you realize about yourself, as well as how many areas of your life can improve from seeking counseling.

Because I was able to free my mind, my academic performance, my relationships with friends, and overall physical wellbeing improved immensely. I can confidently say that counseling in college changed my life!

College is a great time but can provide many stressors. Check out our tips on how to manage college as a student dealing with depression. 

This article was originally posted at, Mercy Multiplied.
Mercy Multiplied is a free-of-charge residential counseling program that helps young women ages 13-32 break free from life-controlling issues and situations. Apply today or learn more about how Mercy can help you.  

If you’re considering forgiveness, ever, good for you. The fact that you would even think about showing grace, love, and kindness toward someone who’s done you wrong is a sign that you have great empathy and strength. It can be extremely difficult to forgive someone, especially if what they did to you had lasting repercussions, and that’s certainly the case when we’re abandoned by the person who’s supposed to love and support us above all else. So again, if you’re reading this because you’re wondering about forgiving a parent who left you, take a moment to be proud of yourself. Now, let’s talk about forgiveness.

What to Know About Forgiving Parents

How To Forgive a Parent Who Left You When You Were Young? 

Yes, you’ve probably heard this saying before, but here it is again, because it’s just, quite frankly, true: Forgiveness is more for you than it is for the other person. It’s about lifting the burden of that pain from your heart so that you have the emotional time and energy for other more joyful things. It’s not about ignoring the wrong that’s been done or negating the pain you’ve felt, but it is about making room for something better in your future by tucking the past into the back of your mind where it can go dormant.

Reasons (Not Excuses) For Abandonment

The first place to start when it comes to forgiveness is empathy, and as we’ve already established, you’re connected with your empathy just by virtue of considering this act of forgiveness. And what’s empathy? It’s placing yourself in the other person’s shoes for just a moment and doing your best to understand the thoughts and feelings that led to their decisions. If you can at least try to understand where your parent was coming from when they made the decision to leave you, then you might be able to see a path to forgiveness.

So, what does go through a parent’s head when they do something as drastic as abandoning their child? If you have access to information about your birth parents, or if someone in your family might know what your absent parent went through before leaving you, do some digging. Ask questions. If your remaining parent is willing, and you trust them to be honest with you, sit down and talk through what happened. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to know the answer to “Why did my parent leave? How could they do that to me?”

If you don’t have any way to find out your absent parent’s specific story, there are quite a few reasons that people have abandoned or separated from their children. While this list is not exhaustive by any means, here are a few examples for you to think through.

• Sometimes a person may view the act of stepping out of a child’s life as benevolent. This is often the case when an adoption plan is made for an infant by parents who feel too young or too impoverished to provide the child with a good life. In other cases, the state views removing a child from its birth parents to be an act of benevolence because of circumstances like addiction and abuse. In either case, the parent or state was doing what they believed best for you, the child.
• Relationship conflicts between adults can also lead to a child’s abandonment. If a mother and father, mother and grandmother, or anyone in a household don’t get along, sometimes a person’s decision to leave has far more to do with getting away from the adults in the home than it does with leaving a child. Whether the person who leaves is fleeing abuse or being kicked out by the owner of the home, the conflict between adults is usually the source of that departure, leaving children behind to survive with what’s left.
• Personal problems such as mental illness and addiction can also be a common thread in parents who abandon their children. Whether their disease makes them inconsiderate of or calloused to the needs and feelings of their kids, or whether their guilt about not being a perfect parent becomes too overwhelming, parents who suffer from conditions like alcoholism, drug addiction, BPD, and narcissistic personality disorder can end up leaving their children.

These are vague reasons, so it’ll be best if you’re able to ask about your parent’s story specifically. Every journey is different, but bottom line, abandonment is almost always rooted in deep, all-consuming fear. Whether that fear is being fed by love or selfishness, the actual abandonment isn’t really about you, the child, because they couldn’t possibly know who you would become and thus did not reject the person you are today. If you can mentally separate your experience of the abandonment from their act of abandonment, it may help you to relate to their choices enough to see your way toward forgiveness.

Ramifications of Childhood Abandonment

Even if you’ve been able to understand why your parent left, that will never undo the impact it had on your childhood. It’s important to acknowledge and review what a child goes through when a parent leaves, because ultimately, that suffering is the real source of your pain and the real burden you need to lay down in order to forgive.

• Abandonment Anxiety - Throughout childhood and adulthood, a person who’s abandoned by their parent may develop an anxious attachment style because they are afraid or convinced that any important relationship they have could end in abandonment or loss.
• Anger toward either parent or other adults. Whether you blame your mom for your dad leaving, blame your dad for leaving your mom to raise you on her own, blame your grandparents for not stepping in when they saw problems, or blame your teachers for being adults who will probably hurt you too, anger can be a big way that our brain tries to cover up pain. Dealing with a completely justified, deep-seated anger problem in a healthy way can be the work of a lifetime.
• Idealization of absent parent. Sometimes, instead of anger toward the absent parent, an abandoned child can twist reality in the opposite direction and become convinced that the absent parent is/was the best one. It can be a way of coping with the loss by fantasizing about how good things were before the parent’s departure, but it can sometimes lose any foundation in reality and become more of a fantasy.
• Low Self Esteem - Anyone who’s been rejected or abandoned on any level knows the temptation to internalize that and blame yourself. If you’re convinced that this terrible thing wouldn’t have happened if you could’ve been more or better at x, y, or z… your self-esteem is taking the brunt of your abandonment pain. Learning to believe that you are enough, that you deserve love, and that you are not to blame for the behaviors of others can be a lifelong journey.

The above struggles can lead to depression, addiction, eating disorders, and many other lasting health problems, so let’s not pretend that if we’re thinking about forgiving someone whose behavior was the source of major trauma that we can also ignore the fruits of that trauma. If you are experiencing difficulties coping with your own child abandonment pain, reach out for support. There can be no forgiveness without some healing.

Reasons to Forgive

Notice that none of the reasons above mention letting someone off the hook for something they’ve done. Consequences are real, and you have to trust that your parent has and will experience the consequences for their mistake without you monitoring to make sure they do. The reason to forgive is not to free them of their responsibilities but to free yourself from the pain of the past.

• Your freedom. Any kind of active pain can be a heavy burden to carry every day. If you’re waking up angry or heartbroken, no matter how much time has passed, you’re living the pain of your parent’s rejection and abandonment 24/7. And that’s not fair to you! You’re not free to experience the full range of mountains and valleys that the present day has to offer because you are stuck in the past. Forgiving your absent parent could be a huge step in letting go of the anger and grief that’s plaguing you.
• Potential relationship or reunification. Sometimes the absent parent comes back. This may or may not be what you want, but if you’ve reconnected with a birth parent after adoption or foster care, or if your parent returns and asks to be part of your life, it will be up to you to decide the future of that relationship. If you’re interested in or considering reuniting with this person, forgiveness will have to be the foundation of that new bond. Otherwise, the conflict will continue to arise between you until that old wound is addressed.
• God forgives. The love of Christ teaches us that it is never too late for a story to have a redemption arc, whether that’s your story or your parent’s story. The chance for grace and starting anew will be around more than one corner in both of your lifetimes, and Christ’s love is the living example that forgiveness is a foundation of that truth.

Go easy on yourself because this is not easy stuff. It’s never as simple as flipping the switch from unforgiven to forgiven in your brain or heart. Seek out support, lean on trusted friends, and confide in a professional counselor as you process these big life milestones. If you’re not sure where to begin, you can always reach out to us at TheHopeLine, where we’ll be happy to chat about how you can learn more about grace and forgiveness.

Forgiving someone who has hurt you could be the greatest challenge of your life, but also the most freeing and healing. Here are 6 steps on how to forgive.

How to Combat Anxiety About School

8 Ways To Prepare for the Semester & Reduce Back-to-School Anxiety

August is pretty well-known as “Back to School” month, unless you’re in the lucky group of students who get to go back after Labor Day. Either way, school is upon us, and it’s common to have jitters about getting back into the swing of academics. Back-to-school anxiety is a popular topic every year, so whether you’re getting nervous about going back, you’re not the first, and you won’t be the last! How do we deal with the back-to-school dread? We prepare. If you set yourself up for success at the very beginning, you can help curb your anxiety and maybe even get a little bit excited about jumping into the new school year.

Ways to Reduce and Calm Anxiety When Prepping for School

1. Get (and use) a planner. Having a single place where you can make notes and keep track of your schedule is an incredible tool for any student, especially those with anxiety. With a planner, you don’t have to stress about magically remembering every single thing the semester throws at you. All you have to do is open your planner and read your notes. Have that planner out on your desk in every class, open while you’re doing homework, and easily handy wherever you go. If something comes up that sounds important or has a specific deadline or requirement, write it down immediately. You’ll be glad you did later. This doesn’t have to be a chore! Have fun with it. Get a cute one with a pattern you love or find a blank notebook and make it your own. Use colorful pens or keep it simple with a pencil. Whatever suits your aesthetic! Some high schools and colleges actually make and sell planners that are personalized to their semester schedule, which can be really helpful in knowing when important school events or holidays are going to be. Whatever you choose, get a planner, and use that planner every day. 

2. Collect all your syllabi, read them carefully, and write the major deadlines in your planner. That first week of school is always info dump, which can be mind-numbing and intimidating. Fear not! Most teachers give out a paper syllabus or post one online that defines their expectations for the semester. Gather up all those packets, sit down with a cup of coffee and your planner, and study. Make notes of what your teachers expect of you, and write down anything that seems important. This should make you feel like you’re an expert student, which will be true because you’re officially more prepared for the class than 75% of the other students.

3. Meet all your teachers, and maybe even get to know them. Deep breaths. You can do it. Just walk up to them at the beginning or end of class one day and say, “Hi, my name is ___, and I just wanted to introduce myself to you personally. Looking forward to your class. Have a nice day!” Breaking that ice at the beginning of the year will make it so much easier to approach them if you have a question or need help later. Take it a step further and visit them during their office hours every once in a while! Having a healthy relationship with your teacher can do wonders for classroom anxiety and school jitters down the road.

4. Create a morning routine. Sometimes the hard part is just getting to school in one piece. Use that planner again, and write down a list of 5 things you do every morning before school so that when your alarm clock goes off tomorrow morning, you don’t have to decide--you just know that you’re going to wake up, go for a 20-minute run, shower, get dressed, eat breakfast and walk out the door, all while listening to your favorite podcast. Make sure this routine involves something you enjoy, even if you hate waking up. Starting the day with something easy and just for you can get you ready to handle whatever comes your way.

5. Have a plan for when those anxious feelings hit you. No matter how much you prepare, anxiety comes in waves. Instead of being surprised when it visits you, create a calming routine for when you feel those nerves rushing to the front of your mind. Write this plan down (in your handy dandy planner) and flip to that page when the time comes. Maybe your plan is to breathe, stretch, drink water, call or text a friend, remind yourself of some important truths, or take a quick walk around the block. Whatever it is, give yourself permission to practice it when you need to, whether you’re in the middle of class or at the library.

6. Rely on your support system. You’re not alone. If you have friends you can trust to support you when you’re anxious, talk to them about when you feel you need the most support. Would a “Good morning! You’ve got this!” text help you get your day started? Ask for one! You may also have access to a counselor through your school or be able to talk to your doctor about ways to mitigate extreme anxiety. Don’t feel the need to hide or bottle these anxious thoughts, and don’t be afraid to ask for help from those who are available to support you.

7. Create an “end of the school day” routine. You just walked out of your last class. You did it. You made it through the day. That bubble of anxiety has popped, and it’s time to wind down. Just like you need some time to yourself in the morning, you deserve a moment to breathe at the end of the day. Maybe you and your besties head to Starbucks for an hour. Maybe you go to the gym and listen to all your new Spotify recommendations. Maybe you go to your room and take a nap before you get started on your homework. Whatever it is, make it something you can look forward to each day, and don’t forget… write it in your planner!

8. Plan fun activities for the first few weekends. Having plans for the weekend is an amazing way to motivate yourself through the worst anxiety days! Don’t slog through a tough week of school and then stew in your dread about the next week for all of Saturday and Sunday. Do something you’ll enjoy! Check out the local farmers or artists' markets in your town. See a new movie. Invite people over to watch your favorite sports team or play a nerdy game together. Knowing that good times are always ahead, you’ll feel less trapped by the ever-present school stress and more able to let school be a neutral part of your life.

School Anxiety Is Real But Not Permanent

The most important thing to remember when you’re overwhelmed with academic or social anxiety is that you’re not alone. Look around the room you’re in, and it’s almost guaranteed that more than a few of your classmates are experiencing similar worries. Take a deep breath. Remember your plan for these anxious moments, and go through the motions of that routine. If you’ve tried these tips for making the new school year a little less stressful and still aren’t feeling confident, reach out to us at TheHopeLine! Any of our coaches would be happy to chat with you about strategies and resources for helping you face the stress of starting school.

For more on coping with stress and anxiety, watch this personal video story by our friend Karissa: "Mental Health: How I Cope with Anxiety"

First things first: if you’ve found yourself reading this article because you’re cruising the internet looking for help, welcome. Sex is complicated, and if you’re trying to figure out some of those complications right now, it’s really important that you know you’re not alone! When it comes to sex, there are safe and unsafe ways to practice it, healthy and unhealthy ways to engage in it, and lots of differing opinions on what those things mean. When you’re trying to figure all of that out for yourself, it can be overwhelming, even scary, especially if you feel like you’re experiencing some kind of sex-related problem.

Sometimes, the fact that sex is even on your mind in the first place feels like the problem, especially if it’s the only thing on your mind. If you find yourself constantly thinking about or engaging in sex acts, you might be worried that you have a sex addiction. But is sex addiction even a thing? Like many activities, it’s important to remember that sex in and of itself is neither good nor bad. It’s a natural part of our lives as humans, and when conducted in healthy ways, it can be a part of a healthy life. When it crosses over into unhealthy territory, however, there are risks. Sex addiction is one of those unhealthy territories.

What to Know About Sex Addiction

What Is Sex Addiction?

First of all, sex addiction is not actually recognized in the DSM-V as its own mental disorder. Many scientists are still not convinced that it’s definable enough to be considered an illness in its own right. There are, however, plenty of scientists that link hypersexuality or addictive sex behaviors to other addictions or disorders as a leading symptom. If you think you might be struggling with a sex addiction, it’s important to identify and understand your symptoms so that you can seek help and support as you look into the source or underlying issue that’s causing your addictive behavior. Some signs to be aware of are:

• Sex, thoughts of sex, and use of porn dominate your life so much that you’re missing out on other activities such as school, work, or gatherings with family and friends.
• You’re willing to pursue sex at the risk of your personal safety, health, and treasured relationships, whether that means engaging in dangerous activities, practicing unprotected sex, or cheating on a partner or spouse.
• Your pursuit of sex-related activities is mixed with feelings of anxiety, shame, depression, and regret.

The key here is that there is usually no real sense of fulfillment in committing the addictive acts, just a cycle of shame and guilt, constantly repeating the same behaviors even though you know there will be a negative consequence.

What To Do If This Sounds Like You

Like any addiction or compulsive behavior, this condition boils down to brain chemistry and low self-esteem. The very first thing you need to do is get help. Talking with a professional about the details of your addictive behaviors, as uncomfortable as that might sound, is the only way to thoroughly and correctly diagnose what’s going on. They can help you figure out whether you’re also dealing with love addiction or a number of other mental illnesses that could be driving your need for false intimacy and physical release.

A professional can also recommend treatment, whether that be medication, talk therapy, or a combination of the two to help you heal from self-hatred and retrain your brain to become less dependent on the chemical rewards it gets from engaging in unhealthy sex activities. Tell your trusted friends and family members and let them show you the love they’re probably dying to give you.

Finding a support group where others who struggle with sex addiction can also be a huge source of comfort and make it easier to talk about something you’ve been hiding. It’s always healing to know that you aren’t alone on your journey and to walk alongside someone who understands your story. We also have several partner organizations you can check out, such as Captivesfree and XXXChurch, or you can ask your counselor for recommendations.

You Are Not Your Addiction

It bears repeating that feelings of regret and shame are key symptoms of sex addiction. If you find yourself struggling to keep your head above water because of those thoughts, please know that you are not defined by your mistakes. Whether you’ve had an unhealthy relationship with sex in the past, or you’re actively engaging in addictive behaviors today, your worth as a person is a completely separate thing from the regret and shame you feel about these activities. You are not your addiction. You are not your mistakes. You are not broken, dirty, or used up. 

You are a unique treasure, created in the image of the divine, and carrying a soul capable of more love, joy, and peace than you could ever imagine. Jesus makes it very clear that a person’s mistakes do not impact how beautiful and worthy you are of love and redemption—he hung out with everyone, from shepherds and tax collectors, to prostitutes and politicians. He treats everyone as a precious child of God, and that includes you. Reach out to TheHopeLine if you’re wondering how to connect with the way Christ sees you, because living one more second in that pit of regret and shame is not what you deserve. You deserve love! Plain and simple.

If you are fighting an addiction to pornography, you are not alone... Read 7 Steps Towards a Porn-Free Life for help.

-Jen DeJong

What Are Dating Red Flags?

Ten Red Flags to Look for When Dating Online

“Dating.” It’s a tale as old as time. We all dream of meeting our soulmate, preferably in some romantic way that makes a great story to tell at parties for years to come. Whether you meet at school, the gym, the coffee shop, or the office, most of us don’t care as long as we find our person, and, of course, if you’ve dated in the last decade, you’ve likely met some contenders on the internet as well. Dating apps and online matchmaking sites are almost a foregone conclusion these days. Some of us can’t even imagine meeting a stranger “out in the wild” without vetting them online first. While it’s a wonderful tool and has certainly given many happy couples their start, online dating isn’t easy or perfect. There are just as many pitfalls when it comes to online dating as there are opportunities. Whether you’re a seasoned pro or downloading one of these apps for the first time, it’s important to think seriously about how best to use these accounts conscientiously and safely. Here are some common red flags to keep an eye out for when you’re using a dating app.

1. Profiles that link to or sync with other sites.

Some apps offer a feature that links your dating profile with your social media sites, allowing your matches to see your activity on other sites like Spotify and Instagram. While this is often touted as a “validation” method to make sure that you’re talking to a “real” person and give you a better idea of their personality, it can actually give someone access to more personal information than you want a stranger to have. Carefully consider whether you really want to allow these sites to connect to one another because you may unwittingly share more about yourself than you bargained for.

2. Direct requests for money, personal info, or departure from the app.

Though it might feel like a good sign when the person you’ve matched with asks for your number, it’s probably a better idea to keep your communications within the app’s messaging feature until you’ve met in person a few times. You would be surprised how much an untrustworthy stranger can do with your name and phone number. And of course, be highly suspicious if anyone you meet online asks you for money. That is a 100% scam 100% of the time. Nobody who’s interested in getting to know you romantically will ask you to send them money over the internet.

3. Requests to meet privately.

Never meet a stranger in a private place. You want to make sure that your first few in-person dates are in public, within full view of other people, and always make sure someone you trust knows where you’re going and when to expect you home. There are a couple of reasons someone might ask to meet privately that could be dangerous. First, online dating does give a platform to human traffickers, and you want to be smart to avoid walking into a situation that compromises your safety. Second, meeting in “private” could be code for meeting in “secret,” and unfortunately that sometimes means the person you’re meeting doesn’t want to get caught. Online dating also gives cheaters and liars an easy way into your life, so if they don’t want anyone else to know they’re meeting you, you need to be suspicious of their reason. Cheaters may also outright refuse to meet you in person, because they know they can’t do so without being exposed. Either way, if they won’t go on a real date with you, be wary.

4. Unsolicited explicit texts or photos.

Surprising you with explicit content you weren’t expecting and didn’t request is a toxic and manipulative move. It’s a sign that they are trying to maintain control of your conversation and that your connection may not be what you were hoping for. It’s also a red flag if they ask you to send them explicit messages. Remember, no matter what the privacy settings are on this site, nothing you sent via the internet is truly private. They could even be taking screenshots of everything you send and sharing those around, so be very careful with what you put out there.

5. Values or behaviors that don’t align with your future goals.

This means you need to know your own values and goals before you start chatting with anyone. Ask yourself why you’re on the app. If you’re looking to find “the one,” but the person you’re talking to is just looking to “hook up,” those two things don’t match. Big red flag. Whether you value family, or taking care of the environment, or Dungeons & Dragons, if they aren’t able to share or respect what you love, that could be another sign that this isn’t a workable match.

6. Ghosting.

If they’re holding a conversation with you one day and gone the next, that’s one of the reddest flags there is. Inconsistent communication is not okay, especially when you’re trying to start a new relationship. You deserve respect, and anyone who respects you wouldn’t disappear without warning is ghosting you. Even if they eventually come back, be highly suspicious of whether this person cares about you in a serious way.

7. Narcissistic or other toxic communication traits.

If they can only talk about themselves, get frustrated when you don’t respond quickly enough, or constantly ask you where you are, this is a sign they are trying to control you. Online dating can bring out the narcissistic traits in all of us if we’re not careful, so make sure you learn to recognize the signs, not just in the people you chat with but in yourself. You want to be respected, but you also want to respect the other app users. Remember there are real, live human beings on the other side of these profile pictures and text bubbles.

8. You find yourself comparing yourself to others.

You ask to look at your friends' profiles. You constantly change your pictures, questions, quotes, or blurbs. You worry that if you don’t get it right, people won’t “get” you. Go back to your overall goal for being on these dating sites. If you’re obsessing over building your “perfect profile,” there’s a chance you’re thinking way more about your profile than you are about looking for love, which can take a major toll on your mental health. Take a deep breath and look away from the phone for a little way. At least five minutes.

9. You find yourself mindlessly swiping for hours.

There are some studies now about whether or not these apps are actually addictive. Much like a game on your phone can be addicting because of the colors, lights, graphics, and rewards, these apps can train your brain to be stimulated by more and more use. Remember this isn’t actually just a game on your phone. It’s a means to an end. You want to find someone to spend your life with, not spend your life finding someone. If you’ve been swiping for hours, it’s time for a break, and maybe for longer than five minutes.

10. Dating burnout.

No matter how you’re getting your dates, putting yourself out there is hard. When someone doesn’t message you back, or if you finally meet someone in person and they don’t want a second date, rejection can feel devastating. Apps and dating sites allow us to go through prospects at a much faster rate than we used to be able to, and you’re bound to experience disappointment at some point. Be careful not to get discouraged or take each rejection too personally. Some can experience depression if they misuse these sites, so if you’re feeling tired, pay attention to that feeling and take a break to avoid burnout.

Don’t let these red flags scare you away from trying these apps in the first place. There are plenty of happy couples out there who came together via the internet, and you could be next! This list is just here to help you succeed. At the end of the day, each one is just an indicator that something’s off. The best way to avoid disaster when it comes to online dating is to be consistently mindful of three questions: Are you being safe? Are you forming real connections? Is the process controlling you? If you’re able to take care of yourself in those ways, there’s no reason Bumble or Hinge can’t be part of your love story. Forgive the cliché, but God works in mysterious ways… dating apps are undoubtedly one of them. If you’re wondering about a specific interaction you’re having online, or if you’re not sure what to do about a red flag you’ve noticed, feel free to reach out for a chat with TheHopeLine. We have your back, and we’re happy to help you explore whether your online dating experience is safe and healthy!

SOUL TIES

Sex is a tridimensional experience: spirit, soul, and body. Anytime you have sex with a person you bond with them. Dr. Daniel Amen writes in his book, “Change Your Brain, Change Your Life,” “Whenever a person is sexually involved with another person, neurochemical changes occur in both their brains that encourage limbic, emotional bonding. Limbic bonding is the reason casual sex doesn’t really work for most people on a whole mind and body level. Two people may decide to have sex ‘just for the fun of it,’ yet something is occurring on another level that they might not have decided on at all: sex is enhancing an emotional bond between them whether they want it or not. One person, often the woman, is bound to form an attachment and will be hurt when a casual affair ends. One reason it is usually the woman who is hurt most is that the female limbic system is larger than the males.” This is what we call soul ties. Sex is like gluing two pieces of wood together and the next day ripping them apart. Of course, wood from the opposite board remains on each board. A piece of your sex partner (the good, bad, and ugly) stays with you (and vice versa) for the rest of your life. You can only imagine what it looks like when you bond with multiple partners.

Unhealthy soul ties are often the ramifications of having partners that you create a life-long bond with through a sexual encounter(s), but with whom you only have a short-term relationship with. The bond (soul tie) remains long after the relationship is over, leaving both sexual partners longing for wholeness.

THREE REASONS UNHEALTHY SOUL TIES TAKE PLACE:

1. People are misinformed and therefore convinced that sex is strictly a single-dimensional, physical act with no emotional or spiritual connections. Yet after sex they find themselves mysteriously longing for the person they may not even like.

2. A person (usually the woman) gives him or herself sexually to someone expecting that the intensely intimate act of intercourse would create a bond that would lead to deeper levels of commitment in their relationship. But soon she discovers that her sexual partner was taking advantage of her need for intimacy and used her vulnerability to get laid. Of course, this leads to a person being emotionally and spiritually bonded to somebody that they deeply resent!

3. Two people commit to marriage and therefore surmise that the covenant vows are only a formality. So, they live together and enjoy a sexual relationship outside of a life-long commitment. But later they decide (for whatever reason) that they don’t want to live in a covenant relationship and eventually break up. They usually don’t realize how deeply they have wounded each other as their souls are ripped apart, tearing the very fabric of their being in the separation.
I understand that there are hundreds of other reasons why unhealthy soul ties take place, but I am simply trying to give you a few examples.

7 SIGNS THAT YOU HAVE AN UNHEALTHY SOUL TIE:

1. You are in a physically, and/or emotionally, and/or spiritually abusive relationship, but you “feel” so attached to them that you refuse to cut off the connection and set boundaries with them.

2. You have left a relationship (maybe long ago), but you think about the other person obsessively (you can’t get them out of your mind).

3. Whenever you do anything – make a decision, have a conversation with someone, etc., you “feel” like this person is with you or watching you.

4. When you have sex with someone else (hopefully your husband or wife), you can hardly keep yourself from visualizing the person you have a soul tie with.

5. You take on the negative traits of the person that your soul is tied to and carry their offenses whether or not you actually agree with them.

6. You defend your right to stay in a relationship with the person that your soul is tied to, even though it is negatively affecting or even destroying the important relationships in your life (husband, wife, kids, leaders, etc.)

7. You have simultaneous experiences and/or “moods” as the person your soul is tied to. This can even include sickness, accidents, addictions, etc.

1 Corinthians 6:15 – Do you not know that the one who joins himself to a prostitute is one body with her? For He says, “THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH.”

THERE IS HOPE

There is hope if you find yourself in an unhealthy soul tie. You can never fall so far that you can’t be restored. New life is available to you by simply repenting and asking Jesus to forgive you. Forgiveness restores the standard in our lives, and you can live in freedom and hope again.

For more on the emotional bond of sex read, "Everyone Love Sex. So Why Wait?". 

Originally published on Moral Revolution.

What to Know About Recovering From Sex Addiction

Recovery Can Be Messy

We all have a story. For more than 20 years, I’ve been involved in recovery and helping others who are on this journey. It’s intense. It can be messy. There are times when it feels like you’re making great progress and other times when it feels paralyzing and like you’re unable to move forward. And for many of us, especially in the beginning, it can feel like a battle.

When you think about this life of recovery, the conflicts you’ve faced—some won with a great victory and some that left you face down in the mud—what does your battle look like? If you were to tell your story, what picture would it paint?

When we listen to someone’s battle story, the picture that forms in our mind tells us a lot about the struggles they’ve faced and their victories. We know it wasn’t easy. We know there were others involved in the process. And we know, even when they experienced minor setbacks, they gave 100%!

Sound familiar? It should. This is what recovery looks like.

No one ever said recovery would be easy. We all have experienced this at some level, either being the one who struggles with addictive behaviors or married to someone who struggles. So, we know, up close and personal, what these battles look like.

For so many of us, we have tried to fight this battle on our own — trying to make our life look clean and put together on the outside so others can’t see just how messy we are on the inside. It’s often during times that our addiction was at its worst, we made sure to say all the right things and look the part. But on the inside, we were a mess. We cannot fight this battle alone.

Does your battle picture show others who fought with you and for you? Were there times when they carried you through the muck of life?

You may wonder, why would we want to fight this battle with others? Pretty simple really. Here are three reasons to keep in mind.

What to Know About Sex Addiction Recovery

1. We Need Others

There is just no way we can do this on our own. This battle is too hard and there are too many obstacles that we cannot defeat on our own. Sexual temptation is coming at us from every direction. And, just when we think we are making traction in the right direction, the enemy starts calling an audible (changing the play). If we are not careful and cannot see the enemy’s schemes, he may call an audible that will totally set us back.

It is very important to lean on others who have gone before you in this battle and can see the enemy’s misdirections. People who are battle-tested, so to speak. People who have beautiful battle scars.

2. There is Power in Numbers

Matthew 18:20 says: For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.

The Bible clearly states that there is power in numbers. We need the support of others throughout this journey. At times, it might get ugly. We might become exhausted and feel like we can’t keep going. I’ve had the privilege of walking alongside and helping guys find freedom. In the same way, there are guys who have supported and carried me through some pretty messy times.

Don’t underestimate the power of your group. A group that runs like a well-oiled machine is strong, dynamic, and influential! God has put you in your group for a reason. Your group is a Band of Brothers (or a Band of Sisters) who can facilitate what we all thought was impossible.

3. Showing Your Scars Makes a Difference

Our scars do not define us. If anything, our scars show just how powerful we are. The trauma, abuse, and pain that we’ve experienced are a part of our story. Our scars are evidence of where we came from; not where we are going. Sometimes, it’s our scars that can make a difference in the lives of others. It can be a symbol of hope to those who are just starting their healing journey.

I can imagine that one day, when I meet God, he will say to me, “Your scars are beautiful.” They definitely got me where I am today. I get emotional just thinking about it. Our scars are beautiful in the eyes of God.

As we continue to live out our healing and help others find freedom, remember, don’t be afraid to show your scars. You may not see it or feel it now, but your scars are powerful.

But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds, we are healed.  Isaiah 53:5 

I had no intention of writing this today but after a pretty emotional weekend—losing a friend who died in his sleep and dealing with the failed suicide attempt of a guy in my group—I sat down and wrote this.

Although I had tears in my eyes while I was typing, it helped me process my thoughts and how I was feeling. It also helped me recognize exactly how far I have come in my own healing.

If you are struggling with unwanted sexual behaviors and want to find freedom, reach out. Connect with us at Pure Desire. Don’t wait. The battle you’re fighting is not going to be easy but together, we can have victory!

About the Author...
Rich Moore is the International Men's Groups Coordinator (IGC) for Pure Desire. He has been involved with Pure Desire for over 20 years and is a foundational piece to helping churches start a Pure Desire group ministry. Rich is also the author of The Silent Battle: One Man's Fight for Freedom.

This article was originally published at Pure Desire Ministries.