What to Know About Recovering From Sex Addiction

Recovery Can Be Messy

We all have a story. For more than 20 years, I’ve been involved in recovery and helping others who are on this journey. It’s intense. It can be messy. There are times when it feels like you’re making great progress and other times when it feels paralyzing and like you’re unable to move forward. And for many of us, especially in the beginning, it can feel like a battle.

When you think about this life of recovery, the conflicts you’ve faced—some won with a great victory and some that left you face down in the mud—what does your battle look like? If you were to tell your story, what picture would it paint?

When we listen to someone’s battle story, the picture that forms in our mind tells us a lot about the struggles they’ve faced and their victories. We know it wasn’t easy. We know there were others involved in the process. And we know, even when they experienced minor setbacks, they gave 100%!

Sound familiar? It should. This is what recovery looks like.

No one ever said recovery would be easy. We all have experienced this at some level, either being the one who struggles with addictive behaviors or married to someone who struggles. So, we know, up close and personal, what these battles look like.

For so many of us, we have tried to fight this battle on our own — trying to make our life look clean and put together on the outside so others can’t see just how messy we are on the inside. It’s often during times that our addiction was at its worst, we made sure to say all the right things and look the part. But on the inside, we were a mess. We cannot fight this battle alone.

Does your battle picture show others who fought with you and for you? Were there times when they carried you through the muck of life?

You may wonder, why would we want to fight this battle with others? Pretty simple really. Here are three reasons to keep in mind.

What to Know About Sex Addiction Recovery

1. We Need Others

There is just no way we can do this on our own. This battle is too hard and there are too many obstacles that we cannot defeat on our own. Sexual temptation is coming at us from every direction. And, just when we think we are making traction in the right direction, the enemy starts calling an audible (changing the play). If we are not careful and cannot see the enemy’s schemes, he may call an audible that will totally set us back.

It is very important to lean on others who have gone before you in this battle and can see the enemy’s misdirections. People who are battle-tested, so to speak. People who have beautiful battle scars.

2. There is Power in Numbers

Matthew 18:20 says: For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.

The Bible clearly states that there is power in numbers. We need the support of others throughout this journey. At times, it might get ugly. We might become exhausted and feel like we can’t keep going. I’ve had the privilege of walking alongside and helping guys find freedom. In the same way, there are guys who have supported and carried me through some pretty messy times.

Don’t underestimate the power of your group. A group that runs like a well-oiled machine is strong, dynamic, and influential! God has put you in your group for a reason. Your group is a Band of Brothers (or a Band of Sisters) who can facilitate what we all thought was impossible.

3. Showing Your Scars Makes a Difference

Our scars do not define us. If anything, our scars show just how powerful we are. The trauma, abuse, and pain that we’ve experienced are a part of our story. Our scars are evidence of where we came from; not where we are going. Sometimes, it’s our scars that can make a difference in the lives of others. It can be a symbol of hope to those who are just starting their healing journey.

I can imagine that one day, when I meet God, he will say to me, “Your scars are beautiful.” They definitely got me where I am today. I get emotional just thinking about it. Our scars are beautiful in the eyes of God.

As we continue to live out our healing and help others find freedom, remember, don’t be afraid to show your scars. You may not see it or feel it now, but your scars are powerful.

But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds, we are healed.  Isaiah 53:5 

I had no intention of writing this today but after a pretty emotional weekend—losing a friend who died in his sleep and dealing with the failed suicide attempt of a guy in my group—I sat down and wrote this.

Although I had tears in my eyes while I was typing, it helped me process my thoughts and how I was feeling. It also helped me recognize exactly how far I have come in my own healing.

If you are struggling with unwanted sexual behaviors and want to find freedom, reach out. Connect with us at Pure Desire. Don’t wait. The battle you’re fighting is not going to be easy but together, we can have victory!

About the Author...
Rich Moore is the International Men's Groups Coordinator (IGC) for Pure Desire. He has been involved with Pure Desire for over 20 years and is a foundational piece to helping churches start a Pure Desire group ministry. Rich is also the author of The Silent Battle: One Man's Fight for Freedom.

This article was originally published at Pure Desire Ministries.

Is It Worth Waiting Until Marriage for Sex?

Why You Should Wait Until Marriage for Sex

When I met my wife, it was like we had known each other for years. One of the reasons I was nervous (other than the fact that I hit her in the head with my surfboard, splitting her head open) was the deep sense of connection I felt from that first day. We talked about family. We talked about our goals and dreams. We felt comfortable with one another. We felt connected.

In my line of work today, I study a lot of science. And the more I do, the more I see God. And I refuse to think a lot of what we find about God in science is merely a coincidence.

Hormones Are Powerful Stuff.

In Genesis 2:24–25, the dynamics of marriage are introduced, noting that a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and that the two would become “one flesh.” This expression carries a much deeper significance than we often realize. It carries with it the idea of unity, even closely connected with the Hebrew word meaning “to be united.”

“One flesh” paints the picture of united at the deepest level, not only physically, but also emotionally and spiritually.
The idea is that, as Adam and Eve came from one body, so now they would once again become one.

The Emotional Bond of a Physical Act

We see this reality in the science behind sexual activity. During an intimate physical act, our brain releases a number of chemicals—the chief of all these chemicals is oxytocin. Think of oxytocin as a form of glue, promoting bonding and attachment—and sometimes the opposite. It has even been dubbed the “cuddle hormone” or “love hormone” because it does simply that.

Oxytocin creates bonding, trust and generosity in us.

In fact, whenever you feel comfort or security, you can thank oxytocin. Every form of human bonding from non-sexual to sexual interactions involves oxytocin to some degree.

During sexual intercourse, the brain releases oxytocin causing a connection, a bonding on a deep level. Whether we like it or not, oxytocin creates a bond between us and our partner; and the more sexual encounters we have together, the stronger the bond becomes. When oxytocin is released, it floods the brain with endorphins, a natural opiate that activates the pleasure center in the brain.

A person may choose to have sex many times with many different people, and whether he or she knows it or not, a bond is formed with each and every experience. When this bond is broken, it creates pain.

The Spiritual Implications

The story of Adam and Eve is our story. Their union, their eventual fall, it is the story of our desires, our choices, and the brokenness we all feel (see Romans 5). It is the story of what we all yearn for: a deep, intimate, meaningful, trusting relationship with a partner—oneness. This is how God created us. This is his desire for us as well. The question, however, is this: Is it possible for us to get back to that oneness?

The Mysterious Design Behind Sex

During sex, two beings—two souls—are uniting, becoming one. There is an intimacy and depth unlike any other act. Sounds like the bonding power of the chemical oxytocin, doesn’t it?

It is interesting that the writer of Genesis 2 connects this sense of two becoming one within the dynamics of marriage. It is as if to communicate that this bond is so powerful, so transcending, that marriage is the only force that can contain it.

Marriage was—and still should be—considered sacred.

Going back to my first date with the woman who would become my wife, we felt such a deep connection, the “natural” thing seemed to be to connect in every way. But we waited.

The amazing thing is that God’s prescriptions for sex and marriage or corroborated by science. Consummating our marriage was not only a physical union—but an emotional and spiritual one as well—a profound moment of unifying power.

As I look at the ancient Scriptures and see science collaborating it, I am even more amazed at how God made us. This gift of sex is not a shameful act—but one to be celebrated and praised. The problem comes when sex used outside of what God intended. It can turn from a blessing to a curse.

New Beginning

The beauty of God is that even if we live in ways that are opposite of what he designed—there is redemption. As God brings us eternal redemption through the cross—he also offers us relational redemption.

But, as Christians, we serve a God of grace and healing, who wants the best for us. No matter what you’ve done in the past, He doesn’t want you to live in shame. He’s all about restoration. But he wants to us to recognize His plan, even if there are times, we’ve diverted from it.

Our shortcomings are forgiven when we seek his forgiveness. We are loved and cherished, and he has a life of fulfillment set before us. In the end, the choice is up to us—will we decide to live in ways that bring about unity and wholeness or ways that lead to pain?

If you had sex before marriage, you are not damaged goods. You are loved and valued, and you have support. Find out more here.

About the Author...
BRYAN A. SANDS After twenty years in the church and university worlds, Bryan A. Sands has been the Lead Pastor at Kaimuki Christian Church in Honolulu, Hawaii since 2018. He is the author of, Everyone Loves Sex: So Why Wait? (A Discussion in Sexual Faithfulness). Bryan and his wife, Caz, have four daughters. Bryan also offers a 6-part video curriculum that is connected with his book, Everyone Loves Sex: So Why Wait? on YouTube:

Small Group Curriculum - Everyone Loves Sex: So Why Wait?

Can You Get PTSD From a Relationship?

PTSD from an Abusive Relationship

Can PTSD Occur After an Abusive Relationship? Absolutely, yes. If you’ve reached the point of wondering about the answer to that question, it’s time to ask another couple of questions:

1. Are you or is someone you know engaged in a potentially abusive relationship?
2. Are you or is someone you know experiencing the signs and symptoms of PTSD or another mental illness?

If you answered “yes” to either or both of those questions, this article is for you. Let’s get you connected with resources and support to navigate the topics of abuse and mental illness, okay? There are a couple more questions to ask that will help us get a handle on the situation. First, how do you recognize abuse within a relationship? Second, how do you recognize the signs and symptoms of PTSD?

What Is Abuse?

There are several kinds of abuse, but the underlying factor in whether a person is abusive is that they are intentionally causing harm to another person. This can manifest as physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse, verbal abuse, etc.

Regardless of how an abuser inflicts harm, the abuse can cause lasting, crippling damage to the victim in a number of ways, including mental illnesses like PTSD. Abuse is not always overt. Sometimes it’s so subtle that nobody notices, perhaps not even the victim, until years into the relationship or after the abuse has occurred. So how do you recognize an abusive relationship when you suspect one? Pay close attention to the following things:

• Is the victim afraid to speak their mind in the presence of the abuser?
• Is the victim able to make decisions for themselves, such as what to eat, how to dress, and where to go?
• Do the victim and the abuser keep to themselves? Do they often socialize, or do they seem to keep their relationship more private than others?
• Does the abuser demand to know everything or be involved in every detail of the victim’s life?

Often, an abuser’s power relies upon maintaining control over the victim, so if you see signs that a person has lost their independence or autonomy due to their relationship with someone, it’s quite possible that the relationship has become abusive.

How Can You End or Escape an Abusive Relationship?

If you suspect an abusive relationship, it’s time to seek professional help! Counselors and therapists are trained to recognize abuse and equipped to support someone who may be in an unhealthy relationship and needs to escape. If you or someone you know needs this kind of resource, please reach out to TheHopeLine today, and we’ll be happy to help connect you to someone who can advise you on your situation.

If you’re in physical danger, or if you think your abuser won’t take kindly to your attempts at separating, create a safety plan before you make your move to end things. Make sure you’ve talked to a professional, contacted the necessary authorities, and have somewhere to go. Again, don’t hesitate to reach out to TheHopeLine if you need help figuring out the next steps.

What Is PTSD?

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is a mental illness that results when one or more traumatic experiences cause lasting damage to the brain. When a destabilizing event occurs, the brain becomes predisposed to triggers that can alert the mind to go into a trauma response, whether or not the situation actually calls for fight, flight, freeze, or fawn actions in order to survive. While many recognize PTSD as a result of experiencing more violent events, such as armed combat or criminal activity, studies have shown that PTSD can occur after emotional abuse during childhood or adulthood. As for many mental illnesses, there isn’t exactly a “cure” for PTSD, but there is still hope for those who are experiencing symptoms! The first step is recognizing the problem and seeking a professional diagnosis. If you’re concerned about PTSD, keep an eye out for the following symptoms:

• Intrusive memories, such as flashbacks or vivid nightmares that depict the traumatic event.
• Avoidance of people or places that remind you of the traumatic event.
• Negative changes in thinking or mood, such as feeling detached from relationships, lack of interest in activities that used to bring you joy, or feeling hopeless about the future.
• Changes in physical and emotional reactions, such as being easily startled or frightened (hypervigilance), difficulty concentrating and sleeping, destructive behaviors, and overwhelming guilt or shame.

How Can You Treat and Heal From PTSD?

If those symptoms resonate with you, it’s time to seek professional counseling and consider whether an official diagnosis of PTSD or another mental illness could help you move forward and heal. While there are still a lot of negative stigmas out there surrounding mental illness, it’s so important to remember that there is nothing wrong with you struggling mentally and emotionally. Your brain has developed certain coping mechanisms to help you survive situations of extreme stress, which is, quite frankly, impressively resilient! But now that you’re (hopefully) no longer in the environment that calls for survival mode, it’s time to re-teach your brain strategies for how to respond healthily to a world with significantly fewer threats than the one it’s used to.

A professional will most likely recommend talk therapy, because there’s nothing quite like naming the trauma you’ve experienced when it comes to stripping the past of its power to control your brain. The more you can become aware of your triggers, your responses, and your symptoms, the more you can take control of your PTSD. A professional may also recommend medication to help your brain and body manage the extreme chemical reactions that occur in the brain when fight and flight mode are activated. While it’s not always necessary to take medicine to heal from PTSD, it may be a helpful, temporary aid in your recovery process.

It’s important to remember, however, that PTSD is not a disease with a “cure.” No matter how long you work toward recovery, you may still struggle with symptoms from time to time, which is why establishing a supportive community is a crucial element of any healing journey. In addition to working with a professional counselor, find a mental health support group, join a warm and welcoming church body, or confide in trusted friends. Set yourself up to have somewhere or someone to turn to on those “bad days” when your symptoms flare up, so that you don’t have to feel alone on top of feeling hypervigilant. Everyone’s healing process is different, and you deserve to go at exactly the pace you need.

As always, you can send a message to someone at TheHopeLine anytime, and we’ll be here to remind you that you are, in fact, never alone. God loves you more than you can imagine, especially in those moments when you find it difficult to love yourself or see any light at the end of the tunnel. When you’re stuck in a moment of darkness, know that He is holding onto the light for you, even when you can’t see it.

If you were assaulted, you can get help. TheHopeLine can connect you to support for abuse victims to help you with reporting and healing.

How to Handle Parents Fighting

Stress and Parents Fighting 

Times are tough for everyone, especially parents. Stress has put extra pressure on their responsibilities to care for you and communicate with each other, so if they’re fighting more than usual… that’s not abnormal! No matter the reason, though, when your parents fight, you’re left to deal with that stress. Whether you’re used to family tension or not, it can be tough to know how to deal with parents fighting. So, then what can you do? First, let’s look at why parents fight.

Their “Why”

Why are your parents fighting? Guess what: it’s not your job to know that. Whether they act like it or not, they are fully grown adults who are responsible for their relationship and communication with each other. The “why” only matters between them, and they’ll need to figure that out in order to make a healthy decision about moving forward. Sure, you might already know the “why” because you know your parents, but as far as you are concerned… all that matters is that they are fighting. As parents, they are responsible for creating and maintaining a healthy home in which their child can grow and feel safe. The fact that you’ve noticed (and presumably researched) the issue means it is already impacting your sense of stability.

Your “Why”

What’s the big deal? All parents fight, right? Yes, a parental disagreement is bound to come up now and then, but if the fighting is frequent and in front of the kids? Actually, there are some pretty huge impacts that parental tension can have on a child’s life--and not just if the fights are getting physical. Sometimes the exact opposite of lashing out physically--when one parent “freezes out” the other or gives the silent treatment after a disagreement--can be just as psychologically damaging to their kids as witnessing more “obvious” forms of abuse. Even if your parents are trying their best to hide their fights from you, you can still feel the tension. From mental health concerns like anxiety and depression, to behavioral issues or even decreased cognitive performance, the long-term effects of parents fighting can be devastating for a child of any age. You deserve a warm, open, honest, and healthy environment. So, what can you do when your parents are fighting?

Talk To Them, Not Like Them

Sit your parents down, preferably in person, and ask them to listen to you for a few minutes without interrupting. If you regularly have dinner together as a family, bring it up when you’re gathered around the table. If they’re divorced or separated, ask them if you can have a family meeting. If they truly can’t or won’t meet with you together, you can sit them down separately. The important thing is that you need a moment to share your experience with your parents. Do your best to remain calm and loving. Try not to fall into the same traps they fall into during their fights, but also… you’re the child, so it’s okay if you get overwhelmed or emotional. This is important stuff!

State your case. Let them know, as kindly and patiently as you can, that the tension between them has begun to impact your life. If they’re yelling so loud that it wakes you up at night, tell them. If you’ve noticed that they never speak to each other anymore, even when they’re in the same room, tell them. If you hate going places with them in the car because they always argue about driving, tell them. Most importantly, let them know how those things make you feel: too tired for school or work because you’re losing sleep, unsafe in your home or car because they’re paying more attention to their fight than they are to the road, afraid to make one of them mad because they might give you the silent treatment, etc. Explain your experience to them. Tell them you need a change. Ask them to find some help, couples counseling or family therapy.

No matter how well (or poorly!) you communicate your feelings to them, your parents will probably not like hearing about their failures. Hopefully they respond with compassion, but they may resist or deny what you’re saying to them. Don’t get caught up in that, and definitely don’t get caught in the middle of their “why.” If they start arguing right there in front of you, don’t engage. Do not take sides. It is not your job to be the referee of their disagreement… that’s their job. You need to set a clear boundary that YOU are not the one they’re fighting with. Ask them to hear you and to take a few days to think about what actions they can take to make the family environment a better one.

Set Boundaries with Parents

Protect yourself. If your parents are in denial that there’s a problem, or if they refuse to seek help or go to counseling, the fighting might continue. In that case, there are a few boundaries you can set to mitigate the impact their fighting has on you. Find ways to remove yourself from the situation if they begin to fight and be clear with them about your plan to do so.

Tell them, “If you can’t stop fighting with each other in the car, I’m going to drive separately or get a ride from a friend from now on.” Ask someone you trust to be your go-to person when the parents fight at home. Tell them (and let your parents know) that when a fight erupts, you are going to call or text saying, “My parents are fighting again. I’m on my way over to your house.” You are allowed to remove yourself from a toxic situation, and it is reasonable to inform your parents that when they fight, you will leave the house unless they clear it up healthily.

This can feel tricky, because of course your parents do have some authority over you. Approach each boundary you set with respect, and if they disapprove of your plans, ask for a compromise. If they won’t allow you to go to a friend or family member’s house, maybe you can ask to be excused from family dinners or request that only one of them at a time attends your extracurricular events until there’s been healing. If they continue to disallow you to set boundaries that protect you, or if they disrespect the ones, you’ve agreed upon, reach out to another trustworthy adult or counselor for support. It’s okay to ask for help.

Truths To Remember

• Be careful that you’re not reading this article with the thought in mind that “this is how I will get my parents to stop fighting.” The hard truth is that you can’t make them stop. And you can’t control how they choose to go about their healing. Just like their “why,” whether they can commit to healing is between them, and if you put that pressure on yourself, you’re shouldering a responsibility that does not belong to you. The last thing you want to do is start blaming yourself when your parents fight because you think you could’ve stopped it. Listen close: it is never your fault when your parents fight. Even if their fights seem to be about you or your siblings, the root issue is their communication. It’s never you.
• You are not alone. It can feel incredibly isolating when the people who are supposed to be your biggest source of guidance and support are not providing that. Find another responsible adult in your life, an aunt, a teacher, a coach, a counselor, and ask them for help. Your well-being is incredibly important, and there are so many people ready and willing to offer you a listening ear or shoulder to cry on. Just because your parents may not be handling their stress in a healthy way doesn’t mean you have to feel ashamed or hide.
• Of course, if you’ve witnessed your parents physically abusing one another, you need to tell another responsible adult in your life or report it to the authorities yourself. When physical violence enters into the equation, safety is the number one concern, and it’s clear that your parents need outside help and support.

Hope For the Future

This is hard stuff. No matter how much we love our parents, or how much they love each other, family tension happens. The good news is that healing happens too. You can’t control whether or not your parents heal, but you can take care of your healing. You weren’t fearfully and wonderfully made just to suffer… Jesus wants to see you thrive. Seek out support. Tend to your own mental health as much as you can. Rest in the truth that your parents’ tension is not your fault and know that you are not destined to be just like them. You have the freedom to do it differently.

If you are dealing with anxiety or depression, please know that you are not weak, and there is hope. Here is a resource that will help you gain a greater understanding about God’s love for you and His ability to care for you… and as always HopeCoaches are available 24/7 if you need to chat.

My Story Battling Suicide

A Nobody That Deserved to Die

Death is what I desired as I thought it was the only solution. The voices in my head were too much. It broke my heart into pieces and my soul was engulfed with sorrow. I felt worthless, I thought that I was a nobody and deserved to die, I felt like I was an accident and let everyone down, mostly my parents.

I grew up in a Christian family and the environment was not hostile. I draw my emotional pain from preschool where my classmates thought that vitiligo was contagious, and no one wanted to associate with me apart from one girl named Nora.

Pills and Self-Harm to Numb the Pain

Growing up with this skin condition was taunting and it broke me. It contributed to the suicidal thoughts. Every time I broke something by accident or didn’t do something well the suicidal thoughts would flood into my mind. I would hit my head on the wall countless times as the thoughts swam into my mind.  Sometimes I would take some medicine that my mom would leave in the cabinet, and I would feel a sense of false relief. Eventually my mom discovered that I was doing this and hid the medicines.

As years went my grades suffered and the enemy kept on repeating the same old lies and I kept on believing them. I shifted my energy to my studies when I was in high school to numb the pain. But every time something embarrassing happened, I would find myself with the same spiraling thoughts. At school I was happy, but I cried myself to sleep and would take some Piriton (a sedating antihistamine) in large quantities to sleep. It eventually became the norm and when I had the money, I would buy them.

After high school, I started cutting my right arm. I would take a knife or broken mirror to cut my hand until blood came out. Again, a false sense of security filled my heart every time I would cut my arm. Honestly, I didn’t want to die. I wanted the pain to end. It hurt when people questioned why my face had small white dots. I know they asked out of curiosity, but it pierced my heart. I recall being called a leopard because of the white dots as I tried to defend my little sister in elementary school. In my early twenties, someone accused me of using beauty products that failed me when I went to the bank to inquire.

I Blamed God

To me, nothing good could come out, so I thought. Bitterness grew in my heart as I even blamed God for my skin condition and drew further and further from Him.

My mother continuously prayed for me in secret and encouraged me since I was a child, however, I wasn’t paying attention to her advice. The enemy would replay the times I was made fun of and when my classmates talked behind my back. After almost being introduced to the dark kingdom, I changed my mind and I backed out.

Then God Helped Me

I started drawing closer to God, as I had enough of the emotional pain. As I drew closer to God, I started speaking positivity into my life. I would look at the mirror and say, “I am so beautiful". Of course, the enemy kept on bringing the suicidal thoughts, especially when I was spiritually weak. I thank God for my praying mother and my financial accounting teacher in college, who always started her classes with prayers and words of encouragement.

It wasn’t an easy battle, but God carried me through it. I had put so many chains upon my life with a negative confession, but the Lord redeemed me. I am glad to be close to God. He healed the emotional trauma I have carried all of my life.

Life in Christ is worth living and I believe that one day the Lord will make all things beautiful.

In Christ, we can overcome. For death could not hold Him.

God has got your back. Trust him with everything for he knows what is best. The Lord heals and restores. He loves us (John 3:16) tells us so.

Cynthia Obukoosia
If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. For additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

How to Handle PTSD

What Happens When PTSD Is Triggered?

It was over a year ago, but it still feels like yesterday. My whole world came crashing down. I thought I had already hit rock bottom 3 years before, so how could things get worse?

This was such an unexpected curveball...my husband announced he wanted a divorce!

I cannot describe the intense pain of being abandoned by the person I loved and who vowed to be by my side for better or worse, in sickness and health... My hopes, my dreams, and my plans for the future — everything changed in a moment.

I was already in crisis mode, still reeling from the consequences of the abuse I suffered as a child. Now, going through a divorce brought back a flood of memories I thought I had forgotten.

Abuse and Abandoned as a Child

I am very familiar with the grief that comes with betrayal, rejection, and loss. As a child, I had to deal with extreme violence, poverty, drugs, and the unpredictable, inappropriate, and crazy behaviors of the intoxicated “responsible” adults in my life. I was abandoned by my mother, beaten and neglected by my father, deprived of basic needs, and I suffered all kinds of abuse at the hands of my stepmother. Moving two to three times a year, I grew up longing for a “home”, a family, and at least one person who truly cared about me. Stability and security were foreign concepts to me. Yet, I beat the odds and survived. Unfortunately, the cost of that survival was high, and only truly revealed itself to me later in life.

I built a fortress, never allowing anyone in … or letting anything out.

Diagnosed with PTSD

A few years ago, I was diagnosed with PTSD. I went on medical leave because anxiety, nightmares, and flashbacks were interfering with my daily activities. I was throwing up several times a day and having panic attacks. My hyperactive mind kept racing all the time. My anger was sometimes out of control and would turn into rage, impulsivity and self-destructive behaviors. I also thought that being strong meant avoiding the need to express my emotions! And so, I ignored my feelings and pretended to be okay. I isolated myself and lived inside my head. I built a fortress, never allowing anyone in ... or letting anything out.

Disconnected from reality, I thought nobody cared about me...so I didn't care about myself either. Loneliness, despair, and hopelessness became my closest friends. Suicidal thoughts filled my mind. And yet, I didn't want to die! I just needed a break from the pain, from the crazy, never-ending roller coaster ride of life.

How I choose to deal with it matters.

Trust Issues

Fortunately, my doctor put me on medication and strongly suggested I see a therapist. With my trust issues, reaching out to someone seemed impossible. Yet, I took a risk. Disregarding my feelings, I reluctantly complied with the doctor's suggestion, not knowing that this decision would be a major positive turning point in my life.
It took me a little while to establish trust and open up to my therapist. But when I did, I started seeing some positive change in my life. I finally gave myself permission to feel, process, and express my thoughts and emotions.
Obviously, it didn't happen overnight. I had to be willing to receive help, take some risks, work hard, and do my “homework”. It was the beginning of a transformative healing journey.

Mental Illness Is Nothing to Be Ashamed Of

I have realized that living with a mental illness is not something I should be ashamed of. PTSD doesn't define who I am. It's how I choose to deal with it that matters. It took a few decades and a couple of years of therapy to understand that I am not alone and that it's okay to ask for help.

Therapy was significant and beneficial. Nevertheless, it is a limited relationship. What really made a huge difference for me was opening up to a friend...someone who had a bit more life experience and wisdom than I did. And I am so privileged to have such a friend.

Shortly after hearing about the divorce, this compassionate friend kindly reached out to me. I immediately broke down and shared what was happening. This amazing lady has always been such a positive influence in my life, a wonderful role model, a mentor, a caring, reliable friend. So talking to her encouraged and comforted me a lot. To this day, I am still overwhelmed by her generosity, kindness, and willingness to spend time with me.

We still speak over the phone several times a week — and it makes a difference! Just knowing someone cares enough about me to do this gives me hope and reminds me that I matter. My friend helps me see things from a different perspective. I would not be where I am today without her support or the support of my therapist, friends, and community.

How To Manage PTSD

I am constantly learning new ways to manage my PTSD and not let it control me. It is a daily battle. The scars will always be there, but they also remind me how strong I am and how far I've come. I have been through so much, yet I have gained so much in the process.

My life has been filled with family drama, horror stories, and painful memories, but I have developed resourcefulness, strength, character, resilience, confidence, perseverance, courage, determination, and other life skills. I still have a long way to go, but one thing I know for sure is that I am not alone. I have resources and my life matters.

Can you relate to Julie's story? If you are suffering from PTSD, know you do not have to go through it alone. It really helps to talk about what you're going through. Chat with a Hope Coach to talk about what is going on in your life. A HopeCoach will listen and help you cope with your feelings of anxiety and PTSD flashbacks.

Used with permission of Power to Change. Originally published at issuesiface.com.

How to Handle Self-Hate

What if Self-Hate Leads to Substance Abuse?

If you have feelings of self-hatred, the first question you need to ask yourself is why. Self-hatred can come from a number of sources, from your circumstances to your behavior to your mental health. Maybe all at once! Regardless of the source, it’s incredibly common for a person struggling with self-hatred to turn to substance abuse for a sense of comfort, relief, or even control. If your self-hating tendencies have led you to substance abuse of any kind, please don’t be ashamed. You’re not alone, and there are ways of understanding your dependence and learning to cope in ways that aren’t destructive.

What Is Self-Hatred?

Self-hatred, or self-loathing, is the feeling of intensely disliking one’s self, or not feeling deserving of love, care, health, attention, or other good things. While it’s not a mental health condition on its own, it’s often a leading symptom of other mental health problems, like depression, which is one reason why it is so often accompanied by struggles with substance abuse. If you are struggling with self-hatred, it’s a good idea to talk to a counselor or mental health professional. If you’re diagnosed with a mental health condition and a substance abuse condition, this is often called “dual diagnosis.” Knowing exactly what problems you’re trying to address will be key in determining your treatment and recovery.

That said, struggling with substance abuse isn’t a guarantee that you will be diagnosed with a mental illness. There are a number of other reasons you could be turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms. Studies show that stress at school or at home, poor access to affordable healthcare, lack of a healthy support system, and even the increased amount of isolation are factors that can influence you to resort to destructive behaviors. Your next challenge will be to figure out the severity of your substance abuse and how you want to pursue treatment.

Treatment Options

You’ve already taken an important step by typing whatever you typed into your web browser that led you to this article. And the fact that you’ve read (or just scrolled) this far, is another great sign that you’re open to getting better. A doable next step would be to take this moment to reach out to TheHopeLine through one of our email mentors or HopeCoaches. They’ll happily talk to you about how you’re feeling and walk you through this tough moment until you can identify more permanent solutions.

A good place to start once you’ve spoken to a HopeCoach is to find a permanent counselor and a support group in your area. You’re probably familiar with 12-step programs like Alcoholics Anonymous. We even partner with a wonderful 12-step group called Celebrate Recovery. Depending on the severity of your abuse, a local meeting near you could be an excellent place to start. But how do you judge the severity of your substance abuse problem? There are a few indicators that can help you determine the severity, but you should make sure to seek professional advice to confirm.

Your substance abuse may be severe and or may have reached the point of a disorder if your use of alcohol or drugs are causing you to:

• Find yourself in physically dangerous situations
• Get into physical altercations
• Have accidents
• Have legal problems
• Experience a decline in attendance or performance at school, work, or home
• Experience a change in appetite or sleep cycle
• Experience mood swings
• Exhibit anger, irritability, hyperactivity, agitation, or emotional outbursts
• Have a lack of motivation
• Feel paranoia or fearfulness
• Have a sudden weight gain or weight loss
• Exhibit a decline in physical appearance and or personal hygiene
• Have tremors
• Experience impaired physical coordination
• Have money or financial problems

If more than a couple of items on the above list sound familiar, your misuse of substances has likely become destructive and abusive, and it is time to seek the help you started looking for when you opened the link to this article. Talk to a trusted adult in your life, seek counseling and support in your community, and don’t give up hope. From finding a mentor to enrolling in a rehabilitation program, there are multiple avenues for you to pursue a healthier standard of living.

Recovery and Self-Love

If your abuse of substances is rooted in self-hatred, an important part of your recovery will be learning to love yourself. Sorry if that sounds cheesy, but it’s true! Developing self-love, self-worth, self-esteem, etc. is crucial to a) getting your mental health back under control and b) maintaining your mental health when you’re tempted to reach for your old coping mechanisms.

It may sound simple, but some of the best ways to care for your mental health are by caring for your physical health. Your brain is a physical organ, and when your body lacks the resources it needs to supply healthy brain function, you may find it more difficult to cope without using substances. Get plenty of sleep and exercise. Make sure you’re staying hydrated and eating healthily. Be careful about how much screen time you’re getting, and make sure not to completely isolate yourself from other people. You deserve to be well provided for, and these basic care tasks can be a powerful way of reinforcing our own value to ourselves.

At the risk of sounding cheesy again, one of our favorite ways of learning to love and accept ourselves is by studying and reflecting on just how much we are already loved by Jesus. His love covers everything you may hate about yourself, including your substance abuse, to the point that when He looks at you, all He sees is His Father’s divine creation... not an addict, not a substance abuser, not a victim of poor mental health… He sees you for everything that is inherently wonderful within. Clinging to the image of you that Jesus sees can be a sweet relief in times when we are struggling to love ourselves. If you’re looking to grow in self-love, don’t hesitate to reach out to TheHopeLine today.

Many people struggle with this negative thought, "I hate myself." Here are 5 things to think and do when you hate yourself.

How to Handle an Alcoholic Sibling

Sibling of an Addict

Addiction is a homewrecker. It devastates. Whether it’s alcoholism, drug abuse, or any of the numerous damaging addictions that plague us, it hurts everyone involved, not just the person suffering from the disease, and it requires serious treatment and support if recovery and rehabilitation are to be achieved. 

But… as the sibling of an addict, you’ve probably heard all that before. Ten too many times. In fact, if you’re the sibling of an addict, it might feel like your whole life is about responding to, managing, or avoiding someone else’s addiction. Especially if you don’t struggle with any addictions of your own, you may find it increasingly difficult to deal with your sibling’s condition. And that’s okay!

Dealing with an alcoholic sibling, or any family member with an addiction, can be incredibly taxing, so it’s understandable if you’re struggling. There is a lot of research out there on how to cope with and help an alcoholic or drug-addicted sibling, but if you’re struggling to identify resources and support for yourself and your family, this article can help you get started.

Education Leads to Empathy

Especially if your sibling has struggled for a long time and experienced a number of relapses, it can be tempting to blame their condition on “bad behavior.” When you see someone, you love repeatedly make choices that hurt themselves and others, it makes sense to feel angry. But addiction is a disease. Read that again. Addiction is a disease. There’s even some research that supports the idea that relapses are a crucial part of recovery. If you find yourself angry with your sibling, that’s absolutely understandable, but educating yourself on the nature of addiction and recovery may help you empathize with their journey in a way that you haven’t been able to before. Imagine your sibling had a different illness, perhaps diabetes or even cancer, would you blame them for that affliction? No! Addiction feels different because it’s so tied to behavior, but at the end of the day, research supports the fact that it is, in fact, a disease that afflicts your sibling’s brain and ability to make decisions. If you’re struggling to empathize, it’s probably time to educate.

Empathy For Everyone, Including Yourself

It’s okay to admit that your sibling’s addiction is putting a strain on you and your family. Addiction invites all kinds of stressors into your daily life. You may be walking on eggshells around your sibling, afraid of triggering an angry outburst. You may be afraid that your sibling will steal money or belongings from family members in order to finance their next binge. You may worry that every time your phone rings, it will be the hospital or the police calling to let you know that this time your sibling didn’t survive. Constantly worrying or thinking about your sibling’s well-being and behavior is called hypervigilance, and that kind of stress can cause extreme damage to your health. Even though your sibling’s addiction, their recovery, their relapses, and their needs or behavior may seem like they more urgently need to be at the forefront of everyone’s time and attention, it’s crucial that you also prioritize your own health and needs. Does your family ever take a break from crisis mode? Do you ever take a break from your sibling’s problems just to focus on yourself and do something for you?

Your Mental Health is Crucial Too

Maybe you feel like it would be selfish to focus on anything but helping your sibling, when in reality, if your mental health goes down the drain, that’s not going to help anyone. Make sure you talk to your family, find support with friends, and seek professional counseling to ensure that you aren’t getting lost in your family’s attempts to cope with this situation. Find a therapist who can offer your entire family insight on how addiction impacts the household. Alcoholism and other addictions absolutely impact the family as a whole, whether it’s a parent or child struggling with the disease. If you are constantly depressed, anxious, or beginning to engage in your own unhealthy coping mechanisms, nobody benefits. Addiction runs in families, according to genetic research, and it can often be triggered by stress, so taking care of yourself in the midst of your sibling’s struggles is vitally important to make sure you don’t fall prey to your own addiction struggle. That means your health is crucial to your sibling’s health. Now read that again. Your health is crucial to your family’s ability to deal with an addict’s journey. 

Invest time in yourself. Find ways to rest, do things you love, enjoy life in the midst of its trials. If you can bring health, perspective, and maybe even joy to your interactions with your family, everyone will benefit. You can still have a good life, even as your sibling struggles, and that will not take away from your love and support of them.

Detach From the Outcome

A lot of the above advice assumes that your sibling is actively engaged in the recovery process, which is unfortunately not always the case. Sadly, addicts can often become so embroiled in their disease that they’re not open to support of any kind, or even relationships with family members. They may pull away from you, refuse to talk to you, or even disappear from your life completely. When that happens, it’s heartbreaking, and it can make you feel like you should work even harder to reach them, control them, and force them into recovery against their will. But remember, their recovery is their recovery, not yours. Their addiction is their addiction. It is important to detach your love for your sibling from the outcome of their journey. Detachment is not abandonment. You can still love and support your sibling, while remaining healthily detached from their addiction. You can make it clear that you are always there for them and separate your happiness from theirs.

Live For Today

This might sound ridiculous…. But when was the last time you enjoyed spending time with your family? If you have a relationship with your sibling, what’s something fun you could do with them today that doesn’t have anything to do with their addiction?

What’s something you could do today that would make you smile? Something that would give you a little bit of hope or proof that there is still some beauty, light, and joy in life. As dark as our thoughts, conversations, and mindsets can become when we’re dealing with a family member’s addiction, it’s important to ground yourself in the knowledge that right here, right now, you are alive, you are well, and you have the time and space to read an article about this issue--which means you have a little hope. In fact, stop reading for a moment. If you have TikTok, go follow Andrew Bird. Just do it. He’ll tell you to drop your shoulders, loosen your stomach, relax your eyebrows, and drop your tongue from the roof of your mouth. Just for now. And take his message to heart, which is this: breathe. You have time, you are safe, and you have this present moment. 

There is Hope

If you’re struggling to connect with any hopeful feelings, you can reach out to us at TheHopeLine, where a HopeCoach can share resources with you, as well as counsel you in the hope of Jesus Christ, whose life means that there is light even in the darkest times. He’s not afraid of your darkness. He’s not afraid of your sibling’s darkness. His story is one of love and compassion, and a HopeCoach would be happy to walk with you through this tough moment toward hope for a better tomorrow, how to let that hope drive you today, and then wake up again tomorrow and let that hope drive you through another day.

If you have a loved one with an addiction, there are ways you can offer support. Read, "Someone I Love Has an Addiction: Can I Help?". 

It feels weird to watch our parents fall in and out of love. And by “weird,” we mean strange, odd, bizarre, or causing feelings of discomfort, confusion, or fear because of perceived strangeness. It’s not surprising at all, then, that you’re feeling discomfort around your mom’s boyfriend. But what can you do about it? For starters, there are several levels of discomfort, and you want to figure out what kind you’re dealing with before we can figure out a plan. Let’s do this by asking a few investigative questions but remember that your feelings of discomfort are completely valid, regardless of your answers to the following questions.

But first, let’s be clear: if your mom’s boyfriend is acting inappropriately, whether he’s staring at you in a sexual way, saying suggestive things to you, or touching you without your consent, you have exited the territory of feeling “uncomfortable” and entered into the realm of potential predatory behavior, harassment, or abuse. If you feel unsafe or unable to express boundaries like “please don’t touch me,” or “please do not enter my room without permission,” it’s time to tell your mom. If she isn’t willing to listen or act on your behalf, turn to another trusted adult, school counselor, or in cases of physical danger, the police. You can also reach out to resources like ChildHelp USA and RAINN, where an expert will be able to help you determine next steps. If you’re feeling a little discomfort around someone new, that’s one thing, but if your physical and emotional well-being are in jeopardy, it’s time to sound the alarm. You deserve to feel safe and secure, especially in your own home.

However, if your uneasiness is more along the lines of feeling “weird” that your mom has a boyfriend, here are some tips to help you process your feelings.  

How to Handle an Uncomfortable Stepparent

Who is it that you feel uncomfortable around?

When you feel that weird, strange, grossness, who’s around? Does it happen when you’re all hanging out as a family? When you’re alone with your mom? Alone with your stepdad? Or when you’re just alone? Taking note of who’s around when the feeling hits you can be important because it can show you in more detail who you’re actually struggling with.

Are you more uncomfortable with your mom and how she behaves as a result of this relationship? Are you more uncomfortable with the boyfriend’s behavior when you are out as a family? When you’re at home? Are you uncomfortable with how Mom or the boyfriend treat you when they’re together? Are you uncomfortable with the boyfriend’s words or actions toward you or your mom or siblings?

When you’re feeling discomfort about a parent’s new partner, it may not actually be that you have a problem with them. Your discomfort could be more about your parent, the disruption of your status quo, or lingering and unresolved issues with your parent’s previous partner or your other parent. Take a deep look at who you’re really feeling weird about.

Where is the discomfort coming from?

Just like the last question, this one could have more than one answer, or the answer could surprise you!

Is the discomfort coming from a place of defensiveness? If so, are you feeling defensive of your mom, yourself, your home, your freedoms, your traditions, your safety? 

Does the discomfort come from a place of fear? If so, fear of what? Of losing your mom, of losing your home, of losing your old way of life, of changing the way things work around the house, of abuse or neglect?

Is the discomfort coming from a place of loyalty? Loyalty for your mom, for your other parent, for the way things used to be?
Other places these feelings might be coming from:

• Feeling jealous of the time your mom and her boyfriend spend together
• Believing her boyfriend is "trying too hard" to win your or your mother’s approval
• Trying to defend or side with your other parent (your mom’s ex)
• Feeling embarrassed that your mom even has a romantic life
• Needing time to adjust or grieve the loss of your old family unit
• Feeling unsafe around the new partner

Those are all extremely valid sources of discomfort, and identifying where yours comes from will also help you determine what to do.

When does the discomfort hit you the hardest?

This one might feel like a silly question, but wait! Be honest… when do you feel this discomfort the most? Is it late at night when you’re lying alone in your bed and you can hear your mom staying up late talking to her boyfriend? Is it in the middle of an afternoon when your other parent is driving you to soccer practice? Is it at lunch at school when another kid is complaining about their new stepparent? Is it when you’re sitting next to your mom’s new boyfriend?

Recognizing when you feel the discomfort most, can help you narrow down the who and the where we just talked about. So take a minute and observe the next few times you feel overwhelmed by the discomfort. What time is it? What day of the week? Who are you with? What activity are you doing? The answers could be extremely helpful in getting to the root of your feelings.

What would you rather be feeling?

When you’re uncomfortable, try to identify how it is you’d like to feel instead. If you can come up with a “goal feeling” or whatever alternative to feeling discomfort you might prefer, you may be able to imagine what steps you might be able to take to achieve that change.

If you’re feeling jealous of the amount of time your mom spends with her boyfriend, you’d probably rather feel valued and prioritized by your family. If you’re feeling like you’ve lost what “home” or “family” used to feel like, you’d probably rather feel loved and protective. If you’re feeling unsafe, you very understandably would rather feel safe! Choosing a goal to work toward can help you untangle what to do in those moments of discomfort, especially when it feels like this new weird, strange reality is permanent. In some cases, though, it might actually be possible to work toward a healthier relationship with your mom and/or her boyfriend!

How can you take steps toward your “goal” feeling?

This is the hard part! Moving from a place of discomfort to a place of action is a HUGE step. By no means do you have to do all of these things, especially not at once, but here’s a list of ways you could start trying to make things better for yourself.

• Talk to your mom. Ask for some time alone with her, so that you can express your thoughts and feelings without worrying about what the boyfriend or your siblings might hear. Explain to your mom that you’re feeling this discomfort, tell her where you think the feeling is coming from, and ask her for something specific that would help you feel better.
• If you feel safe doing so, and if you think you’d like a better relationship with your mom’s new boyfriend, talk to him too. Ask him if he has some time to have an important conversation with you. Try to explain your feelings, where they’re coming from and what you think would help you feel more comfortable.
• Talk to a trusted, healthy adult like an aunt, grandparent, teacher, counselor or family friend. Sometimes, especially when it comes to dating, even moms can lose clarity on what’s actually important, so if you feel like you can’t approach your own parent about your discomfort, find another adult to confide in and seek counsel.
• Create clear boundaries. If you miss doing certain activities with your mom, ask if you can please go out just the two of you at least once a week. If you’re feeling crowded out of your own home because the boyfriend is always over, ask your mom if she could please let you know when he’s going to be around, and tell her there are some times you would prefer to have the house to just the family. If your mom or her boyfriend are prone to behaving inappropriately around you or your siblings, make it clear that when they choose to do that, you and your siblings will leave the table, the room, the house, or the situation. 
• Create new traditions. Maybe, just maybe, there’s something fun you could all do as a group to help you feel like this boyfriend is a little less of a stranger. Catch a movie. Have a cookout. Do a game night. Spending time together is sometimes all we need to feel comfortable around someone new.

Why should I do any of this?

There is such a thing as “constructive discomfort.” While some forms of discomfort are harmful and unsustainable, others might just be a part of how you’re growing into who you will become. If your family is going through significant changes, some discomfort is absolutely inevitable. 

It’s incredibly important to clarify that any form of emotional or physical abuse or neglect on the part of your parents or their partners is not creating constructive discomfort for you. If you fear for your physical safety and privacy, or you’re worried about whether your basic needs like food, water, shelter, and support are going to be met, it’s time to reach out to someone who can step in and help you. Seek counsel and go to the authorities if necessary.

The bottom line is: no matter how uncomfortable life might feel sometimes, you deserve to have a sense of safety, security, and support at all times. Above all else, know that you are not alone. Talk to God, talk to friends, and talk to people who can help you figure out where your discomfort is coming from and how to make things better. We’re always available at TheHopeLine, because you’re worthy of a good life.

Have you been assaulted, physically, sexually or emotionally? Find out what to do if you've been assaulted.