The relationship between a mom and daughter can be famously fraught with complications, full of fun and wonderful memories, or both. From Gilmore Girls to Sharp Objects to older classics like Golden Girls, the media is packed with examples of both loving and contentious mother-daughter relationships. The reason for that? We’ve all got mothers. Every single one of us. And coming to terms with whatever that relationship looks like is one of the greatest tasks in our emotional development as humans! So, the first thing to know if you’re struggling with mother/daughter fighting is you are not alone. Let’s take a deeper look into why mothers and daughters fight and how to stop.

Where Does the Tension Come From?

The source of arguments between mothers and daughters is not always easy to pin down. There are, frankly, so many places that tension could be coming from that there might be more than one. There are a number of resources out there for you to read more and research specific attributes of your mother/daughter relationship, but here are a few common ones.

Constant Exposure

You know the old cliché that says, “absence makes the heart grow fonder?” Yeah… what about the one that says, “familiarity breeds contempt?” At a very basic level, sometimes the tension between a parent and child can be coming from the mere fact that they never have space away from one another. The mother’s 100% access to every detail of her daughter’s life makes her the most informed observer of her daughter’s decisions about everything from paperwork to snack foods, and vice versa. Especially if you’re cooped up in the same house together, this constant exposure to one another simply provides you with more opportunities for arguing than you might have in other relationships! In the words of the great band Chicago, “Everybody needs a little time away…. From each other.” If this is the source of the tension in your mother/daughter relationship, it might just be time for a break--we’ll talk more about that later in the section on boundaries.

Differences

Social influences and culture have a huge impact on our opinions and beliefs, and often, mothers and daughters are simply on opposite sides of a cultural divide. From politics and religion to passions and pursuits, mom and daughter can simply have different priorities in life. When someone as close to you as a mother or daughter sees such important topics differently from you, it can feel like an attack on your identity. But is it? That depends. More on this in the section on grace and respect.

Independence vs. Protection

The moment a lot of mother and daughter fights begin is the moment one expresses any opinion about the decisions of the other. Because of that constant exposure we mentioned earlier, the opinions of our close family members hit harder. They have context. They might just know what they’re talking about. And that can be infuriating. Nothing feels more like an outright attack on a daughter’s independence, competence, and intelligence than when Mom says, “Is that what you’re wearing?” But the fact of the matter is that, in many cases (not all), Mom was just speaking from a place of protection, thinking through things like weather, activity, and societal pressures because she wants her daughter to have the easiest and safest experience possible. In a healthy relationship, this is where grace and respect would step in. In an unhealthy one, cue the fight!

Generational Trauma

Every daughter has a mom. Every mom is a daughter. If the mother/daughter relationship is this big of a deal, then we have to realize that it can impact more than just a single generation. How you’re parented (or not parented) is inevitably influenced by how your parents were parented. Recognizing that your mother is the result of her own experience as a daughter can be a huge step toward healing, especially if the source of the tension between you is actually rooted in the mother/daughter tensions of a previous generation. If your mom has a hard time accepting your independence, maybe her own independence was disrespected too. These kinds of things are passed down through families, and that very well could be the root of your personal mother/daughter struggles.

What Can We Do About It?

If you’re researching why mothers and daughters fight, you’re probably interested in figuring out how to stop fighting with your mom or daughter. Identifying the many sources of tension is a great place to start but be careful not to simply blame your relationship problems on an outside factor. Use this information to attempt growth and healing.

Listen

Start by listening. As hard as it might sound, next time a fight breaks out, don’t get sucked into the emotional tennis match. Take a deep breath and say, “Okay, this is something that clearly matters to you. Help me understand it better.” Instead of talking, open your ears. Try to give the other person some space to calmly vocalize what’s really at the heart of this moment’s argument. Is this about independence? Is this about generational differences? Though it sounds scary, the only way to stop fighting is to stop fighting and start listening to why you and the other person can’t see eye to eye on something.

Grace and Respect

Again, this might be difficult, because you might feel so justified in your “side” of the argument that you think respecting the other person would be admitting defeat, but what’s the point of all that listening you just did if you’re just going to turn around and say, “Nope, I’m right. You’re wrong.” If you want your mom or your daughter to respect how you feel and think, might it not be fair to give her the same respect? There are 7 billion people on this planet, and therefore approximately 7 billion perspectives on every possible situation. Just as your life experiences have informed the way you see the world; your mom’s experiences have informed her. The world has room for more than one opinion. It does. Do your best to give your mom or daughter some grace and respect when you disagree, and hopefully she’ll be able to do the same in return.

Boundaries

Sometimes, however, we only have a certain amount of grace and respect to give before we’re empty. Boundaries help us to protect our energy so that we can engage with people from a healthy place, rather than constantly reacting to them from a place of self-preservation. If you and your mom or daughter are constantly butting heads, it might be time to establish some boundaries.

You need to create space for each other to feel like independent, competent, and capable human beings in your own right. Constant exposure, like living together or talking on the phone every single day, may not be what your relationship needs right now. Take some time to figure out what you want your mother/daughter relationship to look like and establish some boundaries that could help get you closer to that goal. 

Therapy

Professional counseling is never a bad idea! And without mother/daughter relationships, counselors and therapists all over the world would be out of work. Sometimes we’re too close to our own situation to see it clearly enough to identify specific sources, triggers, or boundary issues. A calm and objective outside eye may be just what you need. Perhaps you need counseling just for yourself because you still don’t feel safe and comfortable having these tough conversations with your mom or daughter. Perhaps the two of you want to try mother/daughter counseling together. Talk therapy of any kind will likely be useful in helping you untangle the complicated mess that can be going on between a mother and daughter, so check out sources like Focus On The Family or our own HopeCoaches if you’re interested in that kind of support.

It would be dismissive to end this article without acknowledging that sometimes the relationship between a mother and daughter can be more than just a little challenging. Sometimes deep hurt is there, stemming from abuse, addiction, and much darker origins than disagreeing about politics or fashion. If that’s the case, whatever boundaries you try to set, or however much you may try to listen, healing this relationship may not be within your power. The only actions you can control are your own. If your mom or daughter can’t reciprocate the grace and respect you try to give them, it may be all you can do to seek support for yourself.

Don’t Give Up

Proverbs 10:12 says “Hate stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses.” No matter how bad the fights have gotten between you and your mom or daughter, the foundation of love that (hopefully) courses through the veins of your relationship can win in the end. It may be difficult, but it is possible to build stronger relationships with our parents and children. Don’t give up! And if you need help or support during the journey, you can always reach out to us at TheHopeLine and chat with a HopeCoach for help.

 

How Trauma Impacts Friendships

Past Trauma's Affect on New Friendships

Life seems to hand me friendships or relationships that, most of the time, are too heavy and awkward for me to carry. As I carry them, I imagine that they are like glass vases that sit in the entryway of rich people’s houses. These vases seem heavy to me because of past trauma in my life. The trauma of my past causes me to believe that every new friendship will end badly. I am not strong enough for these heavy vases. I’m afraid that I’ll drop this new friendship, just like I dropped the last one, and it will shatter into a million pieces. And sure, enough it happened again. I have broken another friendship beyond repair, even before I realized that my grip was failing. And now, I’m left with all the broken pieces…

Broke a Precious Friendship Again

As the pieces lay there on the ground, I start to panic. I’ve done it again. I broke a precious friendship that I was given. Will they be mad at me? Because I am mad at me. There goes another friendship that I adored. Another friendship that I loved. One where I felt loved and valued. I get on my knees to try to pick up the sharp glass-like pieces. But as I pick up the pieces, not only do the pieces crumble, but they cut my hands and make them bleed. Even though it hurts deeply, I ignore the pain because this friendship is too special. Way too important.

Trying to put the shards back together, my eyes are filled with tears. I wonder if I will ever be able to fix it. Ever be able to have a normal conversation with anyone again. No matter what I do, I can’t fix it. I realize no glue or tape can repair what I broke. But after trying so hard, and for so long, my hands finally can’t stand it anymore. I’m left sitting there, staring at the blood-stained pieces as if they were a puzzle with no solution.

Why Can't I Hold a Friendship?

I start to feel sharp pain in my hands as I collapse to my knees. I start to call myself a failure. I start to bully myself. “Why can’t you just hold a friendship? Why is it so hard for you to just be friends with somebody?” My body begins to shiver as I sit there on my knees, sobbing. I’m all alone again. I blame my father who left me and took my childhood. I blame the ones who kicked me while I was down. I blame the people who left me after I shared my heart and fears with them. The ones who forced themselves away because of my struggles. But deep down, the one I really blame is me.

I'm Not Alone in My Struggles

But through all this struggle, what I don’t see is the wonderful Father of Heaven who has been watching me this whole time. He saw me struggle on my own. He was there as my grip slipped and He gasped when the friendship broke. He was there as I fell to the floor. When He offered His help, I put my bloody hand out, saying “I got it. I got it!” Most importantly, He sees me hurting. He sees me bleeding. As as I whisper, “Daddy?” He is running to me in the blink of an eye.

In the midst of my pain, He comes, grabs me and holds me while I’m sitting on the floor. My voice shakes as I explain (in full detail) about this friend and the hurt that I feel. As I spill the betrayal, heartache, emptiness, loneliness, and hopelessness that I feel He kisses me on the forehead. My blood and tears stain His shirt, but He doesn’t care. I’m more important.

When His Children Hurt, He Hurts

He grabs my hands and takes a longing look at them. I hadn’t noticed until now, but there is a tear falling down His cheek, for when His children hurt, He hurts.

He takes out his Pliers of Patience and tells me that there will be serious scars because I tried to hold the vase of friendship with my own strength. I bow my head in shame and start to feel so selfish for trying to fix something that wasn’t mine to fix in the first place. I watch him start to reach for my hand, but I pull away. I wonder why he would do this for someone so stupid to break what was given to me. He simply smiles and reaches out His hand. I reluctantly give Him my hand and He start to pull the shards of another broken friendship out of my skin. The process hurts, but I know He knows what He’s doing.

My Wounds Will Heal

Finally, He pulls the last shard out. There is a little relief, but it still hurts. He tells me that it is normal and that I’ll be content in the end. That one day, when the wounds heal, that I’ll be ok.

I then take a look at the mess I made all over the floor. I’m embarrassed because the mess is quite substantial. God and I just stand there, and out of nowhere, He points to the middle of the pile. “See that?” I look at Him confused. He walks into the mess and bends down. He pulls out a piece of paper that I had not seen till just then.

The piece of paper holds the lesson that He is planning to teach me through this disappointment. He reaches out his hand for mine and asks me to follow Him. In the next room over, on the wall to my left, are lots of picture frames. As I skim the wall, I realize that frames contain pieces of paper, just like the one that the Lord just pulled out of the rubble of the friendship that I just broke. One says PATIENCE. Another says SELF ACCEPTANCE.

Self-Acceptance and Trust

God hands me a picture frame that has the paper he just pulled from the friendship that I broke. The word TRUST is written in red uppercase letters. I hang the frame on the wall and turn around to find that I’m alone in the room. But being alone in the room, I’m able to see the other wall. Full of shelves that are full of complete, whole glass vases.

God walks up behind me with another glass vase. My heart drops. Not another one. I question Him, “Lord! I just broke one! You’re giving me another one? I don’t think I can carry it.”

Hand Over Your Trauma and Pain 

He smiles. “No child. You aren’t carrying this one. See the reason you have dropped all the other ones is because you are trying to carry them by yourself instead of letting me carry them for you. I may give them to you, but they aren’t yours to carry. They are for you to put in an entryway. Display them as gifts that I have given you. Yes, dust them to keep them clean, refill them with decorations and admire their beauty, but don’t take them with you. Trust me that as you leave the house, I am protecting them. I am watching over them. I will defend them from robbers that may try to come and steal them. Will you trust me daughter? It’s your choice.”

Has past trauma made you hate your life and yourself? Do you feel drained, frustrated and hopeless? Here are Five Ways To Stop Hating You. 

About the Author... Nichole Isaacs: Hello! My name is Nichole, and I am 23 years old. I am currently attending nursing school and am planning on graduating in December. I have been a Christian since I was 10 years old but recommitted my life to Christ when I was 20. I am very driven to shine a light on mental illness and their effects that these illnesses have on Christians and the general population.

How to Grieve a Loved One's Suicide

Healing from Suicide Grief

Whenever someone dies by suicide, it’s a heartbreaking experience for their family, partner or spouse, and friends. We recently heard from someone whose friend died by suicide:

"This is hard to write and hard to talk about. But one of my close friends killed themselves, and I just don't know how to move on, move forward, or have a normal life after something like this. It's been about six months, but there are still times when I find myself overwhelmed with sadness that she's gone, or fear that someone else in my life is suicidal, and I'm doing nothing to help them. Is there anything I can do to feel better? Will my life ever be the same again?"

It is so painful to get messages like this. And I know if your friend killed themselves, your own pain feels crushing. You're probably wondering: is there really a way to have a normal life after something so traumatic? The short answer is yes: people whose loved ones and friends have died by suicide can still find happiness and joy and can still have meaningful relationships in life. But the larger truth is, suicide grief is not an easy path. Here are some things to remember when thinking about moving on after a loved one dies by suicide.

Remember: Grief Isn't a Straight Line

Grieving loss, whether by suicide or other cause, is not a straight line. There's not a beginning, middle, and end when it comes to grief. After all, grief is tied to love. The painful, strong emotions you feel without your friend, partner, or family member here are in your heart because of how much you loved and cared for that person. Yet it's natural to not want to be overwhelmed by intense emotions all the time. 

But you don't have to pressure yourself to move on, move forward, get better, or feel differently within a certain amount of time. Remind yourself that some days will be harder than others, and there will come a time that your loved one's suicide doesn't dominate your thoughts. Both are okay, and neither means you are grieving them in the wrong way. 

When grief over the loss of your friend seems to come out of nowhere, remember that this is normal. Give yourself as much space, time, and patience as you can to experience your feelings and remember how much you loved the person you lost to suicide.

Yes, things will change as you change and as your life changes. But do your best not to pressure yourself or rush that process.

There's no one right way to grieve. Whatever you're feeling, it's happening as a part of your healing process.

Expect a Range of Emotions

When your loved one died by suicide, you likely felt incredibly sad. But you'll feel a wide range of emotions as you continue to grieve. The Mayo Clinic lists these as some of the most common emotions people experience when grieving a suicide-related loss:

• Disbelief: Suicide is shocking, and that shock can be numbing. You might find yourself thinking, "this can't be real", even though the loss of a loved one is all too real. It's okay to feel both of those feelings at the same time.
• Anger: Being angry with your loved one who died by suicide is natural. If you've thought, "how dare they leave me to pick up the pieces!" or "I can't believe they'd be so selfish!", anger is part of your suicide grief.
• Despair: Death by suicide is isolating. Deep sadness might grip you, and you might feel overwhelmed by loneliness, or trapped in a feeling of helplessness. If you recognize feelings of despair, do your best to remind yourself that these feelings will pass.
• Guilt and Shame: Wondering why you weren't able to help more is a normal feeling. But remember, someone else's death by suicide is never your fault. 

Of course, there are many more things you could feel. You might feel a sense of relief or lightness when you don't expect to, or at a time that seems inappropriate. You might feel confused as to why suicide happens, especially if you didn't know the person you lost was struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts. 

In really painful times, I hope it helps to think about feelings as temporary signals your mind, body, and spirit are giving you that you need help, healing, or support. 

Feelings are valuable and valid, but they won't overtake us forever. Feelings change with time. And while fear might be a feeling we have about the pain of a friend's suicide, feelings themselves are nothing to be afraid of. Ask yourself this when you're hit with a strong emotion while grieving: what is this feeling telling me about what I want or need from myself and others?

Give Yourself Permission to Enjoy Things

Sometimes it can feel strange, or even wrong, to do things that bring us joy, to have a good time, or to laugh at something ridiculous with a friend.

But all of these things can still happen while you're grieving and may happen at unexpected times when you're grieving a friend's death by suicide. As best you can, allow yourself to continue to enjoy things, and to celebrate the simple things in life that make you happy. This may help to ease some of the more intense grieving with time. 

Some people find it helpful to start small: listening to a song they like, watching an upbeat movie, or taking a walk outside.

Whatever you are able to do to find joy and happiness in a dark time, no effort is too small. You are worthy of love, and caring for yourself, even in simple ways, is important. 

Don't Be Afraid to Talk About It

Have you noticed that talking about suicide, suicidal thoughts, and losing someone to suicide seems taboo? I've noticed that, even though there are many suicide prevention resources, and many support groups for survivors of suicide, there is still a stigma. Many people make negative assumptions about people who die by suicide and the people they left behind after that loss. 

But it's important to speak to people you trust with courage about your experience, your feelings, and your healing journey.

Someone else in your life may be struggling, and knowing you are a person they can talk to could make a world of difference.

At first, it may seem like you aren't sure who to talk to. When I don't know where to turn first with my struggles, I pour my heart out to God. God loves you unconditionally, and you can give your toughest struggles and your messiest emotions to him in prayer.

Whether it's praying out loud, writing it down in a journal, or meditating in silence, God is here for you and ready to listen. 

It's important to know when things become too much, especially after you feel like you've tried everything. If you are starting to feel overwhelmed by grief over a loved one's death by suicide, you have somewhere to turn right now. Talk to a HopeCoach about the loved one you lost, about your grief journey, and about how you hope to heal. We are here for you, and you don't have to face this difficult time alone.

I’d like to share this prayer video that I created to help you as you are grieving the loss of your friend. You can watch it here. You are not alone. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18

We also have a partner, GriefShare, who is a caring support group of people who will walk alongside you through one of life’s most difficult experiences.

If you or a friend need support right now, please visit the suicide prevention resource page. You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988, for free confidential, 24/7 help. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

Is Depression Genetic?

Does Depression Run in Families?

Depression is one of the most common (and toughest) mental illnesses people deal with. About one in ten adults will experience a depressive episode in a given year, and it’s a complicated problem with a number of causes, correlations, symptoms, and side effects. If you haven’t already experienced your own depression, you probably know someone who battles it daily, and the chances that someone in your immediate family is dealing with it are high. The question is: does having a family member with depression make you more vulnerable to the disease?

The Short Answer

Does depression run in families? Yes. There is research that shows you have a higher chance of developing depression if you have close family members who are diagnosed. This is called a genetic predisposition. If one or more people in your immediate family suffer from any of the conditions underneath the “depression umbrella,” you definitely want to do what you can to learn about and take care of your mental health. Just be aware that the possibility exists for you to encounter your own struggles.

The Longer Answer

Here’s the good news: It’s much more complicated than just your genes. While heredity can increase your chances of depression, it’s not a guarantee by any means. On the flip side, if nobody in your family tree wrestles with depression (to your knowledge), you’re not necessarily in the clear. Genes are only one of many risk factors on the long list of what makes each person vulnerable to depression. One of the most significant factors on that list is environmental stress.

How is this good news? While you can’t do anything about your genes, you can take active steps toward creating a better environment for you or for your family member struggling with depression. Reducing environmental stress can help mitigate your risk for developing depression and help alleviate the symptoms for someone who is already depressed. In other words, there is hope!

What You Can Do for Your Parent

It can be difficult to know how to deal with a depressed parent, but if you believe your parent is displaying symptoms of depression, there are a number of ways you can support them and hopefully influence your home life for the better.

Start with compassion. Understand that parenting with depression is hard. Your parent probably already feels a tremendous amount of guilt about how their mental health impacts your well-being. Being angry with them or putting constant pressure on them by reminding them about their failures will only add to that environmental stress we talked about earlier. A simple conversation with your parent is a good place to start. Tell them you love them, that you can see they’re suffering, share that you would like to see a change for the better, and ask what they need to move forward. If you don’t feel close enough or comfortable approaching this conversation yourself, ask their spouse, a sibling, an aunt or uncle, or one of your parent’s close friends for help. 

Are they willing to get help? If so, that’s more great news. That old cliché that “acceptance is the first step to recovery” is especially true here. Your parent has to acknowledge that they’re depressed before the family can start to do anything about it. If your parent is willing to receive help, the first step is professional counseling. Encourage them to connect with mental health resources in your area. Talking to a professional will give your parent a much-needed outlet for their feelings and concerns, while also establishing a clear direction for their path to recovery. A counselor or therapist is especially important for a parent with depression, because all too often, a child can get trapped in the role of therapist, which is ultimately not healthy for anyone involved.

Once your parent is in therapy, keep checking in. Let them know you love them and want them to succeed. Your kindness, patience, and support are only going to help them feel motivated to keep doing the hard work of healing. Be realistic about the fact that depression may never really “go away,” but getting treatment can certainly help you and your family find a more functional way of life.

What You Can Do for Yourself

But what if your parent refuses to get help? Lots of parents are members of generations that carry strong negative stigmas about mental health and treatment. They may have grown up thinking that “only really crazy people'' see brain doctors, or that they can’t talk to a therapist because then they’ll get “locked in the nuthouse.” Or perhaps your parent is simply unaware of or refuses to see that they are struggling with their mental health at all. If this is the case, you need to do what’s best for you.

If you still live in the home with your depressed parent, their condition is almost certainly creating environmental stress for you. Environmental stress plus heredity equals a high risk that you will develop symptoms of depression, so you need to do what you can to destress your environment. If you are still financially dependent on this parent or if you are still under 18, you need to seek the help of another responsible adult. It is not up to you to make sure your parent gets to work, remembers to buy groceries, or pays the gas bill. If your parent’s depression is making them incapable of taking care of your basic needs, don’t isolate. You both need outside support. 

If you’re an adult who no longer depends on your parent for basic care, you need to create boundaries and set standards for your own mental wellness. Those boundaries can be anything from moving out of the house to saying, “I will not be my father’s therapist.” At the same time as you may want to support your parent, you also want to protect your energy and make your environment as healthy as possible. Allowing your own mental health to decline because of an unwell parent won’t help either of you in the long run. Get yourself a counselor and be proactive about your own mental health. You do not have to suffer the way your parent is suffering. 

Why It’s Totally Worth Doing Something

Sometimes it can be difficult to see the point of caring for our own mental health, especially when the people who are supposed to take care of us are struggling too. You might feel tired, discouraged, or simply overwhelmed about where to begin. Please know there is hope. There is relief. There is a brighter day ahead. We were created to experience love and joy, to climb mountains, to connect with others, and to see the beauty in ourselves. Jesus came so that we could live abundantly. If you or your parent are stuck in a low, dark place right now, we want to help you. Here is a resource that will help you gain a greater understanding about God’s love for you and His ability to care for you… and as always HopeCoaches are available 7 days a week if you need to chat.

Depression is a common illness that we often hear about, yet ironically usually have difficulty recognizing, particularly in ourselves. To find out more about depression read this guest blog from our partners at Centerstone.

For additional help with understanding depression, download TheHopeLine's free eBook.

If you’re wondering how to deal with bullies, you’re absolutely not alone. Bullies come in all shapes, sizes, and ages. Bullies can be kids. They can be adults. They can be students. They can be teachers. They can be coworkers. They can be bosses. They can be baristas. They can be high-level executives. They can be one person. They can be groups of people. They can be wealthy. They can be poor. They can be really obvious. They can be extremely sneaky. So how do you know if you’ve got a bully in your midst?

How to Protect People Being Abused

Spotting Abuse of Power

Old reliable Dictionary.com defines a bully as “a blustering, mean, or predatory person who, from a perceived position of relative power, intimidates, abuses, harasses, or coerces people, especially those considered unlikely to defend themselves.” Maybe that perceived power comes from the fact that the bully is taller than you. Maybe it comes from the fact that they’re on a “higher” rung of the corporate ladder than you are. Maybe it comes from the fact that they’re wearing an official uniform, and you’re not. Or maybe it comes from nothing but the bully’s own selfish conviction that their needs are simply more important than yours.

Regardless, anyone who is using their position of power as an advantage over someone who might not be able to voice their own needs is a BULLY in all caps, italicized, and underlined.

Maybe you’re realizing that you’ve been a bully once or twice. It’s good to be honest with yourself about that. Recognize how you’ve used your perceived advantages over others to unfairly control what they get to do or say and commit to doing better moving forward. Maybe you’re realizing that you are being actively bullied, or you know someone who’s dealing with one. Once you’ve realized this, it can be hard to know what to do. We hear a lot of different messages from society about how to interact with others. Which of those is the right one? Should you stick up for the person being bullied? Or should you mind your own business?

To Act or Not to Act

Here at TheHopeLine, we are of the firm conviction that it is our absolute duty to defend the defenseless. Of course, there are some caveats to that, as there always must be. We do not recommend putting yourself in physical danger, so if, for instance, you’re witnessing a bully who is violent with others, perhaps instead of personally confronting the bully, you report them to someone with the authority to hold them accountable, like a teacher, an executive, a law enforcement officer, or even, if they’re powerful enough to bully their own superiors, a news reporter. As Dr. Rick Hanson writes in PsychologyToday, “Do no harm to yourself,” at the same time as he definitively says, “Stand up to bullies.” Be wise when you’re considering how to stand up for someone who’s being bullied, but it is, in our opinion, the right thing to stick up for someone in need.

Why Action Is the Only Choice

Why? Why should you, if you can safely do so, use your power and influence to help someone who is being treated unfairly? So many reasons! Let’s start with the statistics. One in five students between ages 12 and 18 will experience bullying at some point.

31% of adults have experienced bullying as well. That’s a LOT of people. If you know more than five people, even casually, you personally know someone who has experienced bullying. This is not a small problem that you can reasonably ignore.

You’re going to encounter a bullying situation, and unfortunately, that means you’re also very likely to get bullied, as a child or an adult. That makes bullies your problem. Sometimes, you may be able to defend yourself from the bully without fear of consequences like physical abuse, a cut in your paycheck or scheduled work hours, or the silent treatment from your bully’s sphere of influence. But if you find yourself stuck in the kind of situation where any attempt to escape or report the behavior would result in harm to your wellbeing, wouldn’t you appreciate a little help from a friend, coworker, or even a stranger who might be able to speak up safely? Yes, you would.

On top of the stats are so many clear and direct commands from scripture that there is no question: we are called to act on behalf of those who are hurting. From Galatians 6:2, in which we are instructed to “carry each other’s burdens,” to Proverbs 31:8’s charge to “Open your mouth for the mute,” it is made plain over and over that standing up for others is pretty much a non-negotiable element of “being a good person,” if you’re concerned about living according to any particular moral code.  

Own Your Power

If you see an injustice occurring, in which someone uses their “power,” whether that be their physical strength or their perceived authority and influence, to take away the choices of someone who is unable to protect their own agency, you should take a serious look at whether you have the tools to rectify the situation without putting yourself in harm’s way. Your words are powerful. Speak comfort to the person being bullied. Offer a listening ear or a hug. Your voice is powerful. Tell someone in authority about the abuse of power, or if it’s safe, confront the bully yourself. The only way we’re going to defeat a problem this pervasive is by supporting one another.

If you or someone you know is experiencing bullying, know that you don’t deserve to have your agency taken away, and there is hope. You are so valuable to the world and to the people who matter. Here is a resource that will help you gain greater understanding about God’s love for you and His ability to care for you… and as always HopeCoaches are available 7 days a week if you need to chat about how to cope with a bullying situation.

For more on bullying, read Tim's story of how the toxic name "stupid" growing up stripped him of his self-worth and how he learned to break free of this stigma.

Note: If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call 911. For support with suicidal thoughts, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, at 800-273-8255. 

Coping When a Family Member Has Suicidal Thoughts

Sibling relationships can be so special and close. But when your brother or sister is struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts, it's natural to wonder: what can I do, and why is this happening?

We got a message from someone recently with another important question that may be on your mind. too:
"I love my sister and I'm worried about her. She is acting differently and saying way darker and more negative things than she normally does. I want to help her, but I also want to be there for my mom and dad. I'm close to my parents, and it seems like they might not know what to do either.

How can I support my parents while my sibling is suicidal? Is there anything I can do to keep this from getting worse?"
My heart goes out to this person and anyone who is struggling with a sibling who feels like they want to die by suicide. If you're going through this, you don't have to do this without support. I admire you for wanting to help your parents. Here are some suggestions for how you can work together and talk through things as a family so that everyone feels more supported.

Understanding the Warning Signs

When processing someone's struggle with suicidal thoughts, a good starting place is to talk to their close friends and family members about the warning signs of suicide and suicidal intentions. No one person is going to see all the warning signs, but if everyone is making an effort to be aware, you and your parents may spot red flags more regularly. Bridges to Recovery suggests being on the lookout for:

• Changing Behavior: If you and your parents notice your sibling has withdrawn from family and social circles, if their personal interactions have a different mood, or if they've completely lost interest in activities, they may be having suicidal thoughts. They may state those intentions directly, by saying things like, “I wish I were dead” or “Things would be better without me,” so it's important to take statements like that seriously.
• Self-Harming: Your sibling doesn't have to be cutting to be harming themselves. If they're misusing alcohol or abusing drugs, or making other risky, harmful choices around food, basic needs, and personal safety, then your sister or brother might be feeling suicidal.
• Making "Final Arrangements": If your sibling is talking about "life after them" or "life without them" or has tried to give away things you know they find valuable or cherish, they may be having suicidal ideations.

Sharing these warning signs with your parents might help them be more aware of the impact of suicidal thoughts. That awareness is a form of support, since it helps them understand why your sibling might be behaving differently, but it's important not to overwhelm them. There's more you can do to offer support that doesn't center around the pain you're experiencing. 

Reach Out and Talk

Once your parents understand that your sibling is struggling with suicidal thoughts, they'll likely want to spend more time with you and your sibling. Do what you can to make yourself available to talk, whether it's by phone, by video, or at a family dinner. You don't need to rearrange your whole schedule, but make an effort to check-in, and to spend quality time with your mom and dad however you can. If you're not sure what to say, what's going on with your sibling doesn't have to dominate the conversation, you can:

• Talk about what's going on at school
• What you and your friends have been up to
• What you've been reading or hobbies you enjoy
• What you'd like to do in the future

Your parents will be encouraged to know what has been going well in your life, how you're following your dreams, and what you're looking forward to about the future. It doesn't undo the struggle your sibling is having, but it can help them remain more joyful and hopeful in the face of a difficult situation.

Help Out When You Can

If you still live with your parents, helping out as best you are able can go a long way toward easing their minds and relieving some of their stress. 

• Are there chores that need to be done around the house? 
• Do they need help running errands?
• Is there a project they want to tackle that you can help with? 

Offer a helping hand to your parents whenever you have some extra time. It will encourage them, and it's a great way to express love and gratitude for all the ways they have supported you over the years.

Offer to Support Your Sibling

Supporting your sibling who is suicidal doesn't mean solving all their problems or getting rid of their suicidal thoughts. You can offer gentle support in other ways that feel healthy and safe to you. Here are some things that could look like:

• "I know things are hard right now. I am here for you, and this tough time won't last forever."
• "Your feelings of pain are valid, but they are manageable. I can connect you with some support groups or give you the number to a 24/7 suicide prevention hotline."
• "I don't want you to feel judged or ashamed of the struggles you're having. I love you very much, and I want to be there for you."
• "I've been thinking about some of my favorite memories growing up. What's the most fun you can remember us having as kids?"

Sometimes asking, "how can I help?" or "is there anything I can do?" is a simple way to let your sibling know you're there for them.

Know when You Need Support Yourself

I really admire you for wanting to support your parents through your sibling's struggle with suicidal thoughts. But I want to caution you, it's easy to become overwhelmed or to feel like you've taken on too much if you spend a lot of time talking to someone who's struggling to see the value of life. If it ever feels like too much, support is available for you. 

Remember, supporting your brother or sister is your choice, but preventing all their pain is not something you can do. You can be responsible TO them by being available, but you are not responsible FOR them. The feelings they have and how they cope with them are their responsibility. 

When things in my life, or with my loved ones, overpower me, I reach out to God in prayer. Does it help to know God loves you unconditionally and that his power is greater than everything you, your parents, or your sibling are facing? If so, praying for peace of mind, for greater hope, or for relief for your sibling can be very helpful. 

Along with talking to God, there are people available to help you and your sibling, right now, without judgment. You can talk to a HopeCoach for confidential email or chat mentoring. Open up about what's difficult and what support you need. We are here for you and for your sibling if they need it. We believe there is always hope, and we will do whatever we can to support you and your family.

Unplanned Pregnancy to Fighting for Custody 

Brende had to represent herself in court for two years. Even though her son’s father wanted her to abort him, now he keeps fighting her for custody. She’s trying to fight for her son and be strong, but sometimes it’s so hard.

Here’s her story: About 3 years ago, I had an unplanned pregnancy with two different guys. Both of them wanted me to abort the child. The one who ended up being the biological father wanted me to abort the child. I said, “no” to abortion. He said that I should give him up for adoption and I said, “no”. So, I did everything I could to make sure my son had everything when he was born.

We had texting battles, with him saying he didn’t want anything to do with my son. But then when my son was 8 months old, he took me to court, and he won primary custody of my son.

Why I Lost Custody - I Had No Choice but To Represent Myself in Court

I don’t have a good relationship with my family. I’ve had a really bad history of sexual abuse from my mother and her boyfriend. So, I did not have the best history. They tested me for every drug in the book, but all tests came out negative. They said that I didn’t handle myself properly, because I couldn’t hold my composure in court. I was crying. The thing was I didn’t have a lawyer.

I represented myself for two years.

But the Lord has been so generous every single time. The last time I went back to court, his father tried to take my son away so I could only see him once a month. The judge looked at him in disgust and gave me unsupervised visits from 10am to 6pm on Wednesdays and Sundays.

Another way God has been good to me is I was able to find a church where I live. They have been such a loving church family. I’m involved in the church for me but most importantly to teach my son.

No Daddy’s House

Last year in February, my son started talking more. When I took him back to his father’s house after church, he said, “no daddy’s house”. He doesn’t know exactly how to explain it, but he doesn’t want to go back to daddy’s house. I try not to think negative things, but I have no idea what’s going on over there. His father doesn’t communicate with me at all. Every Sunday and Wednesday my son runs to me. He wants to stay with me. He says, “Mommy can I stay with you a little longer.”

I don’t have the money or knowledge to take him back to court. I feel I’m losing hope that my son will ever come back home. I have to remind myself every day to compose myself when I’m around my son. I tell him, “One day, in Jesus' Name, you’re going to come live with mommy.” I remind him, “Baby, every time you're scared, Jesus is with you.” I don’t know what goes on in that house. I’m not accusing them of doing anything. But something is occurring where my son doesn’t want to go back.

Peer to Peer: Advice and Encouragement for Brende

It’s incredible what Brende’s gone through…stemming from an unintended pregnancy. Even with the opposition from her baby’s dad, and despite all the difficulties, Brende is a single mom pressing through, and standing strong for herself and her son. Here is some encouragement for Brende from some of her peers.

Contact a Christian Legal Clinic in Your Area – Andi

My heart goes out to this young lady more than you could possibly know. I don’t have any great words of wisdom. I have a practical thought. I know in Louisville, KY where I live, we have a Christian legal clinic at several different locations that deal with situations like this. They will walk alongside a person who can’t afford legal help, to provide the legal aid they need. In her area or nearby, they may have a similar organization.

Children’s Services Need to be Called – Paula

The first thought that came to my mind was that children's services needs to be called. My first concern is for her child, going back and forth. The things he is scared of…we don’t know what they are at this point. It won’t do any good for her to call, because they won’t listen to her. She needs a good friend to go with her to her unsupervised visits to witness what the child is saying. And ask him in a non-threatening way, why is he scared to go back. It’s okay to ask these questions to determine if it’s abandonment issues or is there really something going on in that home. If there is an alarm, then children's services need to be called.

The next thought is you need to get yourself stabilized and there’s a lot of unknown here so maybe this is already true. You need to have a part-time job, even if it’s in a laundry mat. You need to get your home clean day in and day out to prove to the system you can get your son back.

God is Your Refuge and Fortress

Also, Psalm 91 comes to my mind. That’s where God protects you. I pray for a hedge of protection around you.
“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say to the LORD, “You are my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.” (Psalm 91:1-2)

Repeatedly Pray the Bible Verse, “No weapon formed against me shall prosper.” - Falen

I would like to share with her, she’s not alone. I’ll share some of what I have been through and am still going through. I lost my son. Through years of fighting, he came back home by the grace of God. The devil has still fought me since then. I have another son who’s younger. Last summer I was put through the fire again, but by the grace of God I made it out. Both of my kids are home with me. I have two healthy amazing boys, and I wish someone gave me the advice I’m trying to give to Brende. I don’t know the exact details, but I know it can be the fight of your life. And sometimes you feel like you don’t have any father down that you can do. But I promise you that God isn’t going to abandon you. I hit my knees every night and I repeat the Bible verse, “No weapon formed against me shall prosper.” (Isaiah 54:17) If you have to say that a million times a day, whatever you have to do to get through that minute, that second, that hour. You cannot give up hope! Whatever you do, don’t give up hope! Good is always going to prevail!

You Have to Get a Good Lawyer – Rita

“If God is for you, who can be against you.” (Romans 8:31) At the time, I had a 10-year-old son and a 6-year-old daughter, and I was the primary custodian. After 6 years of divorce, my ex-husband decided to just keep the children in California. I was the primary custodian, and I had all my court papers, So I flew out to California. I got my daughter, my son wanted to stay. After I flew back to Texas my ex-husband had a lot of money and his family did too, and they had me thrown in jail for federal kidnapping on a $50,000 bond on trumped-up charges. I was only in for a weekend. Satan was really after me. I did not get to see my children for 4 years. My ex-husband filed a restraining order against me in California. I had gone to the judge in Texas, who left the federal kidnapping charges over my head. I was very devastated, like you, but I fought with every ounce of fight I had. You do have to get a good lawyer, because you will get walked on, because you don’t know what you’re doing. Always have a lawyer, no matter what it takes. After all that happened, I did get my children back.

Ask for a Court-Appointed Special Advocate and Court-Appointed Attorney for Your Child – Tina

I’ve spent 15 years of my life in a family court system with two children. It is a whole different language. My advice is when you get a lawyer, ask for a court-appointed special advocate for her child and to ask for a court-appointed attorney for the child. That attorney will represent the child’s interest and not the parents. I had things in place and still got a lot of grief. It’s the devil. I want to encourage her to be led by the Holy Spirit and not her emotions. She needs to be, “wise as a serpent, and gentle as a dove.” (Matthew 10:16)

Did Today’s Episode Get You Thinking? Brende Has a Lot of Fight left!

Brende says, she has a lot of fight left! She can’t do it alone, but with God on her side, she can do it. With God’s strength, she can face the attacks from her son’s father. She does need to follow some of the advice given; including getting a lawyer. It seems so unfair that she had to represent herself, but what courage she’s shown!

If you’ve been through a custody battle and have good, solid advice or relevant resources to share, please give them in the comments below!

More Help and Resources for Custody Battles:

Legal Services Resource:  Christian Legal Aid
Christian Counseling Service (Free Consultation): Focus On The Family 
Need to talk to someone? Chat with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine.

One last thing,

My podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now on our Give Now page.

How to Identify Sexual Assault

Sexual Allegations Soar

As I scroll through my social media newsfeed, I can’t help but notice a recurring trend. Almost daily, it seems as though we’re being bombarded by some sort of sexual allegation being made against yet another prominent individual. Even the rich and powerful – once thought to be untouchable – are falling like dominoes.

From celebrities to religious leaders to political officials occupying the highest levels of our government, sexual scandals continue to plague every aspect of our society, and unfortunately, some of these high-profile figures have gotten away with these atrocities for far too long.

But why?

Why do celebrities, religious figures, politicians, and leaders of all kinds engage in sexual assault? What is the common thread connecting this type of behavior?

Investigating the Causes of Sexual Aggression

As it turns out, researchers from Stanford University have been busy asking the same question. These researchers have conducted a series of studies into sexual aggression and assault with the goal of better understanding the factors that lead to this type of behavior.[i]

In one of those studies, 252 adults from the United States—about half men and half women—participated in an online survey. In that study, researchers formulated different scenarios that imagined the participant in a position of influence over other people.

The results? Participants in this study who were unable to recall a time when they had actual influence in their real lives were more likely to use their imagined influence to coerce another person into sexually inappropriate situations than were those who reported that they did, in fact, exercise actual influence in their everyday lives.

These findings indicate that men and women who initially exercise low to no influence in their lives, but who then suddenly rise to a new position of influence, those people are more likely to coerce subordinates into unwanted sexual activities.

Another study had 273 adults—again, about half men and half women—participate in an online study. Researchers in this study offered the participants imagined workplace scenarios where they either exercised relatively equal influence as their coworkers or a superior quality of influence over their subordinates.

In both scenarios, the participants were instructed to imagine themselves to be physically attracted to a coworker who did not express a reciprocal attraction. Once again, researchers learned that those who exercised more influence over others—that is, the managers—were more likely to aggressively pursue a colleague or subordinate beyond the appropriate standards of workplace behavior.

The researchers also discovered that, once again, of all the participants to respond to the scenario, it was the group of managers who suddenly went from positions of lower influence to positions of higher influence were more likely to sabotage a colleague’s career in order to pursue their own romantic or sexual interests.

Identifying a Common Thread

So, a common thread in this kind of behavior seems to be that a sudden rise in power or influence may make one more likely to pursue an inappropriate sexual encounter with an employee, and that’s whether the behavior is welcomed or not.

On the other hand, the researchers also discovered that individuals in stable positions of influence—that is, people who have learned to exercise influence in responsible ways—tend to have completely different responses to opportunities for pursuing inappropriate sexual encounters, and that’s also whether the behavior is welcomed or not.

Given this recent research, we now have new insight into why one person might violate another. But just because we now know that there’s a correlation between positions of immature influence and sexual assault does not in any way justify any form of assault against another person. This behavior is wrong and harmful to everyone involved, including the perpetrator.

As mentioned there are many more factors that figure into why one might commit sexual assault. My goal here is to highlight these recent findings by professional researchers in order to get us thinking about some of the psychological reasons underlying sexual assault.

But knowing and what to do are two different sides of the same coin. So what can one do to combat sexual assault?

What Can You Do to Combat Sexual Assault?

Here are four actions anyone can take in dealing with sexual assault—or even someone who just wants to be proactive.

1. Be Aware of who you work for and their Reputation.

The Apostle Paul penned some seemingly simple words to the church in Corinth, but these words have such a profound meaning and application today—as they did then. He writes, “Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.’” The lesson is if your coworkers or boss associates with shady people, chances are he or she will be influenced by them or is like them.

So, be aware. Avoid situations where you would be alone with that boss or co-worker. Be aware of getting the wrong type of signals—and be aware of what type of interaction is inappropriate. Don’t laugh it off, seriously consider the interaction(s).

2. Trust your “Gut”

There are times when you cannot put into words what you’re feeling or why you are feeling that way. You simply know something is off. When you get that feeling, trust it. If you need to, switch shifts, tell a coworker or loved ones what you sense.
Generally, I have found that when I go with my gut I am always thankful. What is your gut telling you about a potentially harmful situation? Listen to it.

3. Don’t let Spiritual Authority coerce you to say, “Yes.”

Spiritual abuse has gone on long enough! If a pastor, priest, anyone with spiritual authority, puts you in an uncomfortable situation, you do not have to stay. Never, at any time, should any clergy make you feel uneasy or uncomfortable. And never should they pressure you or coerce you into sexual acts.

You have every right to say, “No.” Unfortunately, it can be difficult for many to say “No” because of the position of authority the other person holds. Regardless if someone is a priest, pastor, or some other type of clergy, God is disgusted by acts where these individuals use their influence to prey [not pray] on another. God is disgusted!

4. Don’t Make the Mistake of Saying, “It Cannot Happen to me.”

If while reading this article you realize that you yourself may be susceptible to engaging in sexual assault, then take action immediately. Talk to a close friend or see a counselor as soon as possible. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that it can never happen to you. How many times have we heard that one? “It will never happen to me” is one of those phrases that winds up turning around and slapping us in the face!

I have dealt with sexual misconduct situations as they have happened to my college students, and I know it is not easy reporting—and some believe if they say something it will do more damage.

In the church world, this can get complicated. Feelings of, “If I report this, I am going to damage the church” or “I have to keep this a secret because they asked me to and I can’t betray them,” can flood the victim's mind. The bottom line is that the pastor did this to you—it is the pastor who is responsible for any fallout, not you. The first step to gaining your freedom back is to tell someone.

Finally, there is healing. There are no easy answers to recovering from sexual assault, but you can find the help you need in your journey of healing by surrounding yourself with a good community, Christian counselors, and asking the Lord for peace, wisdom, and wholeness. I cannot emphasize it enough, healing is possible.

Used with permission and originally published at Relevant Magazine.com.

TheHopeLine’s partner, Rainn, offers 24/7 free, confidential support, information, advice, or referrals for help with sexual assault through their trained support specialist.

About the Author...
BRYAN A. SANDS After twenty years in the church and university worlds, Bryan A. Sands has accepted the call of Lead Pastor at Kaimuki Christian Church in Honolulu, Hawaii. He is the author of, Everyone Loves Sex: So Why Wait? (A Discussion in Sexual Faithfulness). Bryan and his wife, Caz, have three daughters. Bryan also offers a 6 part video curriculum that is connected with his book, Everyone Loves Sex: So Why Wait? on YouTube: Small Group Curriculum - Everyone Loves Sex: So Why Wait?

How Does Bullying Impact You Long-Term?

You Can Have Strong Relationships After Being Bullied

Bullying is a difficult thing to overcome, especially if it happens to us as children. We recently got a message from someone who lived through childhood bullying, and I think their struggle is one many can relate to:

"I was bullied as a kid, and it really hurt me. It was heartbreaking to be made fun of whenever we crossed paths at school. No matter how nice I tried to be, or how many favors I did for the person who bullied me, it was never enough for him. He was always cruel. It's been a long time since middle school, but sometimes I wonder if the issues I have in relationships now have something to do with how I was treated as a child. Can you help me understand how childhood bullying impacts my relationships, and if there's anything I can do about it?"

Childhood is the time when our perceptions of people, and the responses our brain and body have in various situations, are being formed. If you were bullied as a child, you probably respond to people in your life today in ways that were shaped by that experience. 

The good news is, when we understand how our relationships are shaped by painful experiences, we can make the choice to think and act differently. Here are some of the challenges you may have, and some suggestions for how you can shift your mindset.

Difficulty Trusting 

Trust issues can take many forms in our relationships. For you, this may look like:

• Assuming the worst about a person or situation.
• Believing that nice things people say are backhanded compliments, or that people are not being sincere
• Having a feeling that anything you say or do could get you punished or made fun of by someone else, even if you're trying your best

If you struggle with trust, it’s important to remember that all relationships are different because all people are different. Whoever hurt you in the past is not the same person you are making friends with now. Their reactions will be different, their treatment of you will be different, and your relationship will follow a different path.

Sense of Fear and Uncertainty

In the message I shared with you, the person who contacted us said that no matter what they tried to do to be kind to the person who hurt them, they were bullied.  I understand the fear and uncertainty that kind of experience can bring. When you feel this way with a friend or romantic partner, it may help to:

• Talk about your feelings with them, and ask them for help and encouragement. 
• Remind yourself of all the ways they have been there for you.
• Express gratitude to them for acts of love and kindness they show you.

It's true that we’re going to carry childhood pain with us into future relationships, but there’s hope. If you think about it, there isn't anyone you care about who hasn't experienced something painful that they are still healing from. Perhaps it helps to think of it as the two of you working through your fears and uncertainties together, and growing closer together in the process.

Feeling Unable or Unwilling to Make New Friends

If your experience with bullying meant that you didn't have many friends as a child, or if you were bullied by someone you thought was your friend, the thought of making new friends could be intimidating. Or maybe you feel like it's not worth it to make new friends since you were so disappointed in the past. 

The good news is, you don't need to crowd your life and your time with friendships and relationships, especially if relationship building is a taxing process for you. You can focus your energy on one or two people who have shown care, compassion, and concern for you. Give them time, energy, and focus as you're able. With time, you will likely become more comfortable expanding your circle of friends. But for now, it's okay to start small. 

If a good person is no longer in our life because of childhood bullying, that doesn’t mean we’ll never find another good friend. We will always find good people, because the majority of people are trying their best to be good. If we are still surrounded by people who are attacking us, it’s time to re-evaluate what we are prioritizing in our lives.

For example, if you started spending time with people to become more popular, but they were unkind to you, perhaps you can focus instead on meeting people with common interests and common life goals. If you’ve noticed that people have been kind to you who might not have as much in common with you as you thought, try opening your mind to a unique new friendship that may not have been what you expected, but will be rooted in care and mutual kindness.

It's helpful to remember that we were all created for community and relationship. I believe that God created you with love, for loving relationships with Him, and with the people He has put in your life. When you are unsure about the future of your friendships and relationships, or when you need help healing from the pain of past wounds, He is always there for you.

Affects the Way, We See Ourselves

Childhood bullying can do a number on our self-esteem well into adulthood. It's important to feel and acknowledge that pain. But it's necessary to dig deeper if you want to get to the other side of it. 

There are two big truths to consider here. The bully who hurt you was in pain themselves. This doesn't make what they did or said okay. But they were not thinking clearly, and what they said or did does not represent the truth about you. A lot of times, people lash out at others because that person has something they see as missing from their own lives. Perhaps they saw your talent, your good relationships, or your personality and responded to what they felt they were missing out of a place of jealousy. Think about the good truths you can uncover about yourself beneath their distorted reaction. 

Here's another thing to keep in mind: if you choose to see yourself as the bully sees you, they win. They retain that power and control over your emotions, even if they are long gone from your day-to-day life. Letting go of their hold on you must involve rejecting unkind lies they told you, and embracing the kinder, more loving truth about yourself.

Attaching or Clinging to People

Since bullying makes us fearful of the relationships ending or going sour, some people who were bullied as kids attach or cling to people they want to befriend when they get older. If this is something you struggle with, you might be especially clingy to people who give you a little more wiggle room to be yourself.  That can sometimes cause people to pull back or retreat. But reminding yourself that they want to be a part of your life, and that it is kind and respectful to give them time and space if they need it, might help correct some of the unhealthy boundaries in your relationship.

You don't have to navigate the relationship challenges that come up as a result of childhood bullying by yourself. TheHopeLine trains our HopeCoaches to offer mentoring that can help you grow more confident in current friendships and relationships, while learning to let go of past pain. 

Talk to a HopeCoach today about how childhood bullying affected you, and how you'd like to break free and get back to being yourself. We are here for you, and we believe great things can happen in your friendships and relationships.

Perhaps childhood bullying has caused you to struggle with hating yourself. You are not alone. Many people struggle with self-hate. Here are 5 things to think and do when you hate yourself.