How to Talk About Your Porn Addiction

A Hopeful Mom on Her Son’s Porn Addiction and Recovery

I am a mom of four beautiful children. They each have their positive and negative traits. Each has made me laugh and feel pride at their accomplishments, and each has disappointed me and fallen short of my expectations. While I have high hopes for them, I realize they are regular people struggling to make it in the world. They have ups and downs, highs and lows. They have raging hormones and friends who influence them. And it’s my desire, as a parent, to be there for them, to show them love, no matter what.

When I found out my then-14-year-old son had been watching pornography behind my back for years, I felt sick and spent several days trying to comprehend the enormity of the situation. I was in denial, partially because he was my "good" son. He was the one who never lied to me. He was the one who made me laugh and told me secrets. We had lengthy conversations about right and wrong, good and evil. So, I felt confused and betrayed by this difficult news. But I was also thankful for the opportunity to help him.

A New Perspective

As a parent, I was clueless. I had no idea my son’s iPod connected to the internet and he could watch pornography on it. I knew porn existed, but I didn’t know how easily accessible it was—or how curious preteens and teens are. I trusted my son. I taught him right from wrong. He grew up in a Bible-believing home, and I thought that was enough. But I was wrong. 

It’s possible your parent doesn’t understand the prevalence of pornography in today’s society. It’s possible your caregiver hasn’t protected your devices with filters because they don’t know they need to. 

As I researched pornography’s effects, I learned of its pervasiveness. I learned middle schoolers and high schoolers send nudes on a regular basis and believe this is normal and natural. I also learned even though children who struggle with a porn problem feel shame and guilt, they are reluctant to tell their parents because they are afraid to disappoint them. Or they don’t want to get in trouble.

Statistics Don’t Lie

If you are a teen or young adult, chances are you’ve been exposed to pornography, whether you sought it deliberately or stumbled across it accidentally. Some watch once and never go back. But some, like my son, are pulled in time and again, until they are hooked.

If you think about porn often, can’t sleep at night without it, feel shame or guilt because you can’t stop or are hiding your behavior from your parents/caregiver, you may have a problem. Give your parents a chance to help you. Or find a trusted adult to confide in—a friend’s parent, a teacher, a counselor, or a pastor. 

My Experience

I was shocked and dumbfounded when I first learned of my son’s porn habit. But I also listened and told him we were on his side. We did not punish him. Rather, we put boundaries in place to protect him. We added filters and checked in with him regularly. 

Unfortunately, he continued his behavior. Thankfully, my son eventually responded to a presentation at youth group. A youth leader, openly and honestly elaborated about his exposure to pornography and how it affected his life. He described how porn ruined his parents’ marriage and other relationships in the family. David absorbed this information and recognized how his behavior could wreck his future. It was at this point he confessed to us for the second time.

I am thankful our son trusted us and felt comfortable coming to us. As a parent, it was not easy to hear of my son’s transgressions. I wanted to scream and yell, and some parents may. But after the shock wore off, my mama bear instincts kicked in, and I went to work helping my son kick his habit.

We added more filters—to both the Wi-Fi router and each device. We set up parental controls on his device and only allowed electronics in shared spaces. At my son’s request, we put his phone in our master bathroom every night. We also set him up with a program to help him learn more about brain science and its connection to pornography, keep track of his progress, and help him be accountable. 

Our goal was to listen to our son, be available to him, and support him in his endeavors. We did our best not to judge him when he faltered, and we encouraged him when he felt tempted.  His recovery was slow with some stops and starts, but he now walks in freedom from his addiction. That’s my hope for all teens and young adults trapped in the grip of pornography. 

I can’t predict how your parents will respond when you disclose your problem to them. However, the effects of porn addiction are far more destructive than coming clean with your parents or a trusted adult. 

Here are 9 tips for talking with your parents:  

1. Tell them when they are most receptive. Wait until they are not hungry or tired and tell them in private.
2. Be truthful. Disclose all pertinent information without going into details. Answer their questions.
3. Give them space to process. Your parents may not understand why looking at porn is a problem (everyone does it), or they may be shocked their child would even think to look at porn. Whatever reaction you encounter, be patient with them. Let them express their feelings (assuming they aren’t abusive).
4. Seek forgiveness. Own up to the ways you have hurt them, lied to them, and betrayed their trust.
5. Ask for help. Most parents want to help their child. If they see your desire to get healthy, they should help you through the process.
6. Offer advice. I didn’t understand porn’s effects, and I had no idea how to help my son. He knew what he needed better than I did. I listened to his suggestions and implemented his ideas.
7. Educate. Your parents, like me, may not understand porn’s effects. Point them toward hopefulmom.net for resources, support, and encouragement.
8. Be patient. Remember, your parents feel betrayed, and it's hard to trust again. It may take time and reassurance on your part. Be patient when they question your actions and motives repeatedly. Be willing to answer them over and over.
9. Keep them informed. Check-in with them regularly and give them updates on your progress. 
   Over time, my son and I reconciled and restored our relationship. Through baby steps, I learned to trust him again. We are now closer than we’ve ever been. I look up to him as a hero. I respect his determination and perseverance to quit his addiction. And I admire the man he has become. That’s my hope for you.

About the Author: 
Barb Winters lives in FL, is a wife and parent of four children, and loves writing, photography, playing games with her family, and going to the beach. She helps parents of children struggling with pornography. Contact Barb at hopefulmom619@gmail.com or visit her website at Difficult Conversations

Most of us have an internal monologue playing through our minds 24/7. Maybe yours reaches way back into childhood and pulls out the random theme song to that one obscure cartoon and plays it over and over again while you’re trying to work. Maybe you’re practicing conversations in your head, reliving the past or rehearsing for the future. Maybe you’re just thinking about what to eat for lunch. Hopefully, your internal monologue keeps you living in a neutral to positive mindset most of the time. But we’ve all had days when that inner voice turns against us… constantly reminding us of our mistakes, flaws, regrets, fears, etc. And sometimes we get stuck in that negative place. It can be really dangerous, and it can be extremely lonely. 

How to Encourage a Self-Hating Friend

How Do You Know If a Friend Is Struggling?

Some of us are very good at hiding when our minds and hearts are in that negative place, so it’s important to remember that it may not always be immediately obvious when someone is living in self-hatred. Maybe your friend is “the strong one,” the one who always seems to know what to do, who takes the lead and plans all the best hangouts, who never seems tired, and who always answers the phone when you need to talk. Or maybe your friend is “the funny one,” always joking, sometimes in a self-deprecating way, but as long as they’re laughing you figure they must be fine, right? Not always.

Check on your friends. Ask them, “How is your heart today?” Don’t assume they’re fine because there’s a smile on their face. Make sure they know you’re a safe person to share their true feelings with, because if you never know they’re struggling in the first place, it’s going to be tough to support them through that. Don’t pester them endlessly! Just make sure that, every once in a while, you’re checking in on a deeper level than “Hey, what time is movie night?”

If you have a friend who is outwardly struggling with their self-esteem, you’re ahead of the game. You know they’re in need, and you can take steps to support them.

What Would You Need?

Once you know a friend is hurting, it can be overwhelming to know what to do. A good place to start is to turn the situation around on yourself. Think back… on your very worst days when you felt defeated and worthless, what helped you? Maybe your mom took you to get ice cream. Maybe your brother sent you texts full of cute puppy GIFs. Maybe your best friend didn’t say anything, but she did sit just a little extra close to you on the bus, so you knew she was there.

Humans have a lot more in common than we sometimes like to admit, so chances are that what makes you feel better when you’re down on yourself will help someone else. At the very least, the needs you have when you’re struggling with self-esteem--what you need to hear from your peers--are closely related to the needs your friend has as they’re stuck in self-hatred. Start there. It may turn out that your friend is lactose intolerant, prefers cats, and doesn’t like touching… but most of the time, they’re probably going to appreciate that you’re trying to connect with them. Take their feedback and respect your differences but try to capture the spirit of those times when you felt loved and supported through a tough moment. Practice kindness, compassion, and empathy.

Find The Source.

Self-hatred goes much deeper than a single instance, so momentary support may not always be enough to solve the problem. Spend time with your friend. Listen to them. Pay attention to what they say or do that could clue you in on the real source of their self-hatred.

Are they always commenting on how great other people look? Are they always nervously glancing at their reflection in the mirror? Are they constantly talking about food, calories, exercise, clothes? Maybe the source of their self-hatred has to do with an unhealthy body image.

Are they having trouble at home, with a partner or a parent? Are they struggling financially or academically? Are they interviewing for new jobs all the time, or have they abruptly stopped talking about someone or something when they normally bend your ear about it? It could be the source of their self-hatred is that they’re feeling abandoned and blaming themselves. They could be feeling ineffective or useless if they’re struggling with work or grades. They could be feeling trapped or stuck in a situation and hate themselves for being unable to change their circumstances.

Wherever it is, identifying this source is the only way to truly address the problem of self-hate.

Remind Them How Wonderful They Are.

That said, temporary distractions can offer significant relief to someone who’s constantly hearing that inner voice shout about everything that’s wrong. Here are a few things you could try to show your friend that, however they feel about themselves, you do NOT hate them at all:

• Mail them a postcard. Even if they live in your house! Receiving mail that’s meant just for them may remind them that someone loves them enough to write a note, buy a stamp, and walk to the mailbox. That can mean everything!
• Bring them their favorite coffee (without asking). It’s not your job to anticipate all your friend’s needs, but it is nice to show them occasionally that you think about them when you’re not around, and that you know them well enough to remember their favorite things.
• Goofy socks. Seriously. Have you ever received a pair of goofy socks that didn’t make you chuckle? And the best part about this one is that, unless they’re a monster who doesn’t like socks (in which case you should reconsider your friendship), they’ll get to chuckle all over again every time they wash, fold, or wear their goofy socks. That can do a lot for the loneliness and isolation that comes with persistent self-hatred.
• Send “Remember that time…?” texts. Remember that time the two of you sat in the car for over an hour just screaming the lyrics to your new favorite musical? Wasn’t that great? Remind your friend how much you have enjoyed your time with them. They are VALUABLE to you. It’s a small gesture, but it can really chip away at the lies they’re starting to believe about their own worth.

Be Careful to Protect Your Own Energy.

It’s also important to remind you that your friend’s mental health is not solely your responsibility. Yes, you should love and support them as best you can, but you should not do so at the expense of your own well-being. For instance, if you have a friend who struggles mostly at night, it is not your job to lose sleep by staying up to talk on the phone with them every time. It’s okay to tell your friend that tonight you actually have to go to bed. Point them toward resources that can be there for them when you’re not available and try your best not to feel guilty when you decide to take time for yourself. You won’t be much help to them anymore if you too are feeling exhausted, defeated, drained, or worthless. Take care of yourself.

If you feel it’s time to bring in more support, that’s okay. If you’re still in school, talk to one of their teachers or the school counselor. If your parents are trustworthy and healthy, ask them to help. If you’re in therapy, share what’s going on with your counselor and ask for advice. By no means should you betray your friend’s trust or confidence by inappropriately sharing their problems with someone who has no business getting involved. Respect your friend’s privacy at the same time as you remember that there are professional and confidential resources available to support both you and your friend if you need them.

In the End, You Can’t Do It for Them…

Ultimately, you can’t actually make your friend love themselves. Only they can do the work necessary to heal from the source of their self-hatred. Do what you can to show that you love them. Then wait as patiently as you can for them to go through their healing process. You can take a page out of Jesus’ book on this part of friendship. He never gives up on us. He waits patiently, reminding us that He values us even when we don’t see value in ourselves, so that we know He’ll be there when we’re ready to accept His unconditional love. You’re not alone. Your friend is not alone. There is love and hope waiting on the other side of this struggle… and as always HopeCoaches are available 7 days a week if you need to chat.

Find Healing After Abuse

Staying hopeful after abuse is difficult, but not impossible. Through being a part of TheHopeLine team, I’ve witnessed many people rediscover a sense of hope after assault, and find healing after abuse.

There’s no one right way for everyone to go about their recovery. You are unique, and so are some of the particulars of your abusive relationship or your assault.

But there are some helpful, healthy practices that I’ve seen have a positive impact on many people in the aftermath of their painful experiences.

How to Heal After Abuse

Consider Common Experiences

It’s likely you know someone who has also experienced abuse or assault. Even if you don’t know someone personally who has gone through something similar to what you’re facing, there are plenty of people who have. 

One of the reasons assault and abuse support groups are so effective is that the sharing of common experiences helps curb the sense of isolation that’s otherwise so common among abuse and assault victims.

In the course of your recovery after assault, it may help to gently remind yourself, “I am not the only one experiencing this kind of pain. There are many people who understand what I’m dealing with and many people who have experienced healing and recovery in spite of their painful experiences”.

Make Health a Priority

Healing happens more readily when we make health and wellness a priority. Doing this doesn’t have to mean taking drastic steps. Simple things like this go a long way:

• Make and keep doctor and dentist appointments.
• Start seeing a counselor, therapist, mentor, or pastoral counselor. 
• Take 10 minutes a day to stretch gently and practice deep breathing,
• Go for a walk in a place you find beautiful.
• Carry a water bottle to remind yourself to stay hydrated.
• Get plenty of rest.

I know these things don’t erase the terrible pain you’re experiencing, but regular self-care can help you address your immediate needs with people who are trained and able to support the physical, mental, and emotional healing you need.
Start with small goals, and celebrate with joy and gratitude any time you are able to be kind to yourself, or to ask for and accept what you need.

Find Faith Where You Can

Healing is often a slower process than we want it to be. Suffering through great pain, or experiencing the sense of loss that comes after someone has violated or hurt us, can leave us feeling like there’s a gaping hole inside.

It can really take a toll on someone's faith. How in the world can God let these things happen? Doesn’t he care? Doesn’t he know what I’m dealing with?

These are all normal questions to ask in the aftermath of assault or abuse. And while there’s no simple solution, I want to encourage you to find faith where you can. Look for even the smallest things that remind you of God’s love, and remind yourself of them as often as you need to. 

If you feel overwhelmed, it’s okay to allow yourself time and space to feel a range of emotions, even if they’re difficult, negative, or unpleasant. Healing is not an overnight process, but it is a continual one. You are likely healing and building resilience in ways you don’t even notice right now.

Even a few minutes a day of meditation, prayer, or memorizing a couple of verses can be a great comfort in some of the dark days that come with assault and abuse recovery.

Get Help When You Need It

There will be times when, no matter what you try, you may feel overwhelmed by a sense of hopelessness. Or you may feel like you want to give up on life altogether.

Get help when you need it. That could be as simple as calling a crisis line, reaching out to a friend, or seeing your mental health professional. Asking for help is one of the strongest and most courageous things to do. And if you’re here, you’re already on that path to healing. You can talk to a Hope Coach at TheHopeLine if you’re recovering after abuse or assault and need extra help and support. We are here for you, and we believe you can grow, change, and heal.

Blaming yourself for abuse is normal, but here is hope for healing after abuse. Abuse is never your fault. For more read, One Day at a Time: Healing After Abuse.

Visit Our Partner Resources for Assistance:
The National Domestic Violence Hotline (24/7)
RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) 24/7

What To Do If You Hate Your Stepparent

Families are supposed to be a group of people we trust and feel safe with. Many people spend most of their lives having close relationships to their immediate family members, and “traditional family values” keep us bound together for better or for worse. But when something happens to upset the standard nuclear family model, it can stir up a lot of feelings. Whether it’s a remarriage after death or divorce, adding a stepparent to your family is a big deal! Every feeling you’re having about your new stepparent is valid and normal, and you are NOT a bad person for experiencing those emotions. But if you’re stuck in a negative place, know that your relationship with your stepparent doesn’t have to be a total disaster. 

How to Navigate Hating a Step-Parent

What Exactly Do You Hate About Them?

First off, you need to figure out exactly what it is that you hate so much. Identifying the specific source of the problem is key to determining whether there’s a workable solution.

 Let’s establish right away that if your stepparent is cruel or abusive toward you or others, or engages in inappropriate or illegal activities, that is NOT a relationship you are responsible for solving. You need to tell another healthy adult in your life immediately, report your stepparent to the authorities if necessary, and seek counseling for your family so healing can start taking place.

If, however, the source of your hatred for them is something smaller like curfews and food tastes and holiday traditions, there’s a huge chance that you can actually channel the hate into building a more functional, if not loving, relationship with them.

When Do You Fight with Your Stepparent?

Do you have fights or disagreements with your stepparent? Are there moments when your hatred for them flares up more strongly than others? Here are some examples of specific moments that might trigger your distaste for them:

• They tell you that it’s time for bed.
• They tell you that you can’t go out with your friends. 
• They punish you (ground you or take away your phone).
• They ask you to do chores or babysitting.
• They go on dates with their partner/your biological parent.
• They have a new kid with your biological parent.
• Their cooking is different than what you’re used to eating.
• They buy you a gift that proves they still don’t know you.
• They don’t respect longstanding family traditions.
• They don’t make you feel welcome in their home.
• Your biological parent tells them everything.
• Your biological parent seems happier around them.
• Your biological parent doesn’t have time for things you used to do together.
• Your other biological parent badmouths the stepparent.
• Your other biological parent won’t speak to the stepparent.
• Your other biological parent refuses to be in the room with your stepparent.

This list could go on and on, but it’s important for you to figure out exactly when you feel the hate most. When could tell you who your problem is actually with as well as where it’s coming from.

Why Are You Resisting a Relationship With Your Stepparent?

Once you know when you’re feeling the hate, you can ask yourself why? There may be multiple reasons that you are responding to your stepparent in this way. The Stepkid/Stepparent relationship is so fraught that there is a ton of research out there on what makes that relationship healthy or not. PsychologyToday says a few of the big reasons you might be resisting a relationship with your stepparent or feeling disconnected from them are loyalty, possessiveness, jealousy, and how healthy the relationship is between your biological parents.

Maybe your source is loyalty. Do you hate everything your stepmom does because you miss your mom, and you’re too loyal to her memory to let yourself betray her by loving your stepmom? Is your dad a perfectly wonderful guy, and you’re way too loyal to him to have any love leftover for this stepdad your mom remarried? Do you cherish really beautiful memories from when your biological parents were still together, and you’re too loyal to that family to embrace this new one?

Maybe your source is possessiveness and jealousy. Maybe you and your biological parent spent a lot of time together before they remarried, and you’re feeling forgotten or left out now that the stepparent is always tagging along. Maybe you’re angry that your parent could possibly care so much about this person they’ve just married when they’ve known you since birth. Maybe you feel replaced because your parent had more kids with your stepparent, and you don’t feel special anymore. Maybe you miss the days when your parent was single because you’re tired of “sharing” their attention with someone new.

Maybe your source is that there’s still a bad relationship between your biological parents. If your parents broke up, it’s their responsibility to build a healthy relationship as exes for the sake of their kids, not yours. If, however, they’ve allowed things to remain tense and volatile between them, you may be mirroring the feelings they’re experiencing when you resist relationship with the new stepparent. Maybe your bio mom talks about how much she hates your stepmom, so you do too. Maybe your bio dad says your new stepdad is a loser, so you agree. 

Maybe your source of resistance is a mixture of all these reasons! Families are complicated and unique. Spend a little time reflecting on the source of your hatred for this person. You have to understand the problem in order to find a solution.

How Can You Start Moving In a More Positive Direction

In her studies on the feeling of belonging, Brene Brown says “people are hard to hate close up.” So the first thing you might want to try if you hate your stepparent is… talking to them. Ask them to sit down with you over coffee or lunch, and calmly explain to them how you’re feeling. Take them through the whole what, when, and why process to help them understand where it’s coming from. You may be surprised to learn that your stepparent is totally willing to work with you on this. As much as you might not want to admit it, your stepparent probably already knows you “hate” them and wants a healthier relationship with you.

If you think your problem might actually be with one of your biological parents, you need to talk to them too. Sit your dad down and tell him that you miss him, and it hurts your feelings when he spends all his time with his new partner on the weekends. Be honest with your mom that it makes you feel caught in the middle and guilty when she badmouths the new stepmom, when you really need her to help you form a healthy bond instead.

You are NOT a bad person for feeling this hate in the first place. Your feelings are there for a reason, and you should listen to them. But dwelling and stewing in hate can mess you up in a lot of ways, and you deserve healthy relationships with the people playing these major roles in your life. You deserve to have love and joy in your family life, and believe it or not, your stepparent does too. So the last thing you need to do is try. With compassion, admit that your stepparent hasn’t technically done anything wrong. See what it might feel like to cut your stepparent a break for a day and let them be human. Relationships are a two-way street, though, and your stepparent will need some practice with this too. There will be good days and bad days, but hopefully, with communication and respect, you can build a sense of family together.

If you’re still feeling overwhelmed with negative feelings about your family, you’re not alone. Check out this resource to help you gain greater understanding about God’s love for you (AND your stepparent) and His ability to care for your family… and as always HopeCoaches are available 7 days a week if you need to chat about your struggles.

Tough relationships and people talking about "letting go" or telling you to forgive is hard. Read Dawson's blog to find out how God can help you with forgiveness. 

 

My Story of Depression

Depressed at a Young Age

I have felt depressed most of my life, since a very young age. I grew up in an incomplete family. I don't remember my parents ever having a good relationship. I feel they did not do a good job as parents. My whole family consists of atheists. Nobody really thought or talked about the meaning of life or our purpose. My parents ended up divorced when I was 13 years old.

So now with my parents divorced and no meaning in my life, I spent most of my days and nights playing computer games and watching movies and sci-fi shows. These helped me escape from my reality, and my mom was OK with that.  My mom was addicted to cigarettes and my father was an alcoholic. Thank God my mom finally quit smoking after she was hospitalized.

Alcohol and Marijuana to Escape

As soon as I entered secondary school, I tried alcohol and marijuana. This hurt me a lot, but I didn't realize it at the time. It was just another way to escape. Then when I was 18, my best friend from school took his own life. It was the worst time of my life. I could not live anymore. I became more depressed and lethargic.

Sometime after this, I got to know a girl. We met at a New Year's Eve celebration. She became my first serious girlfriend.  We were both high on marijuana a lot of the time. Looking back, it was all really messed up, but at least I felt a little bit of love. But that love was not real either as I found out later. We were together for 2 months, and I realized she had a lot of boys in her life. We broke up, because I did not want to sleep with her, and she wanted sex. That was the way she felt loved. Her life was really messed up too. She also had divorced parents and did not know real love. I hope she is well as I write this. Please pray for her.

Heartbroken - Wanted to Die 

When we broke up, I thought, "I want to die." I had serious depression. I told my mom about my problems, and I started visiting a psychiatrist.  During this time, I also found TheHopeLine and read some stories and articles on the website which were an inspiration to me as I was dealing with depression and the break-up. It took about 8 months to heal my broken heart.

After that, I made the decision to start building a life for myself. It was unreal. It was a miracle. I started out by going to the gym with my friends. I really wanted to work at making my life good. I wanted to be happy and stable and have meaning in my life. I met a new friend, who helped me a bit with my heartbreak. I was slowly quitting marijuana. Things were looking up.

Found True Love and Jesus

Then a couple of years ago, I reconnected with a girl from my primary school that I fell in love with way back then. Our relationship never really went anywhere because her parents thought we were too young. We did not keep in touch after primary school, but now we had met again! We started talking to each other, and eventually I told her that I still loved her after all of those years, and I found out she still loved me! It was an amazing feeling. It still is today! She is a strong Christian, and she introduced me to the love of Jesus! Now my life has meaning!

I hope my story will be inspiring or motivating for someone who feels that everything is messed up in their life.  God had a plan for me that was better than I could have ever imagined.
-Marek

Do You Need Help for Depression? 

• Find out how blogger Jessica Seale found strength and hope in the bible for depression and suicidal thoughts: Why I Live: Depression, Suicide and the Bible 
• Contact our partner, Focus on the Family, for a free counseling consultation and referral service.
• Free eBook from TheHopeLine: Understanding Depression 

For free, confidential support chat with a HopeCoach today!

If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. For a list of crisis centers around the world and additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

Setting Boundaries, Being Used and Compromising Moral Standards

Dating can be tricky. If you add sex into the mix, things get even more complicated.  Our readers asked some important questions that you might be asking as well.  Today I address these questions openly, honestly and directly.

What if the person I’m dating will leave me if I’m waiting to have sex?

When most people enter into a relationship, they lose sight of themselves emotionally. They don’t know where they end, and the other person begins. And then, without even thinking, they become willing to do whatever the other person wants, regardless of the consequences, simply to keep the other person close to them. This is the situation Madison is in, as shown with her question.

Madison asked: I made a promise to God, my mom and my family that I wouldn’t have sex with a guy until I get married. My boyfriend keeps trying to get me to have sex, and he thinks the reason I don’t want to do things with him is that I don’t like him, which is so far from the truth. How do I tell him the real reason I don’t want to have sex, without having him leave me?

It sounds like this would be a great opportunity to be very honest with yourself and your boyfriend. Telling him the truth will give him the opportunity to know more about the level of commitment you have to yourself and to your relationship with God.

If he loves you, he’ll respect you.

Once he understands, he will have the chance to decide whether he will honor your wishes or not. If he says he loves you but is not willing to respect your boundaries and deep-held moral beliefs, I will say he doesn’t really love you. Better to find that out now rather than later. You deserve to find someone who loves you enough to respect your boundaries.

When you tell him why you believe what you do, you will give him a chance to see how beneficial committing to those boundaries could be to your relationship.

Sex can cloud the relationship

Additionally, being physical with a bf/gf has the potential to cloud a relationship, turning it into something that seems to only be driven by sexual desire or what you can get from the other person.

If you don’t add sex into the mix while you are dating, you’re better able to get to know someone, and to clearly know whether you’d want to spend the rest of your life with this person. If you have this standard, you will end up marrying someone you truly know and who you know respects you. Nothing could be more important.

I applaud you, Madison, for desiring to live so radically, and so different compared to how most of the rest of the world lives. Stick by your beliefs and create those boundaries.

Is it really love or am I being used?

It can be challenging to know someone’s true feelings, especially at the beginning of a relationship. And if you’ve been hurt in the past, it can be hard to trust. So how can you tell…love or lust?

Chelsea asked: “How can I tell if a guy is really falling in love with me or if he is just using me? After my last relationship, I’ve had serious trust issues and I can’t seem to tell if my boyfriend of two months is actually falling for me, or if he is just telling me what I want to hear.”

I can imagine many people wonder this same thing: How do I know this other person is actually in love with me or if they’re just playing with my emotions to get what they want?

8 Signs of a loving relationship.

I cannot tell you whether or not your new boyfriend is falling in love with you or not, but I can tell you whether you have a loving relationship. Loving relationships are not destructive, manipulative, or selfish. Rather loving relationships are respectful, patient and build the other person up.
Here are some questions worth asking about your new boyfriend:

• Do you feel like your emotions are being played with?
• Does he say one thing and do another?
• Does he say he loves you, and then doesn’t act like it? (Many people will rush into saying I love you before they even know the other person. People do this because they want to hear that they are loved themselves.)
• Does he want to spend meaningful time with you?
• Does he treat you with respect?
• Does he speak well of you to other people?
• Does he give you freedom or try to control you?
• Does he respect and want to protect your body? (A heavy sexual relationship seldom lasts. It cannot bear the pressure of intimacy without love and commitment.)

One way to find out exactly what he’s thinking is to not only listen to what he says but watch what he does.

Is it O.K. for my boyfriend to make comments about other girls?

When you are dating and your partner makes sexual comments towards other people, you don’t need to just laugh it off. In fact, it’s a red flag worth talking about. This was my advice to Elizabeth.

Elizabeth asked: When we first got together, my boyfriend told me he would never make comments about how attractive other women are, as he felt that was disrespectful. However, over the past year he constantly makes remarks such as, I’d do her’ or She’s hot.’ Why does he do it? And what can I do to get him to stop?

Your boyfriend was right about how disrespectful it is to make comments about other women, especially around you. It’s one thing to innocently comment about how attractive another person is, but it’s completely inappropriate to say things he’d like to do sexually with another person. It’s the height of disrespect. Your boyfriend is immature, at best. And a player, at worst.

It’s a respect issue.

Imagine if you were enjoying a great dinner with your boyfriend and you couldn’t help but stare at another guy eating at the table next to you, and then you said, I sure wish I was eating dinner at that table instead of with you! That’s basically what he’s saying to you.

This is a trust and respect issue. You are not over-reacting. You have every right to be very clear with him about how serious this issue is. Then give him a chance to work on it.

If he shows he’s sorry and wants to do better, then you should be patient with him. If he doesn’t seem interested in changing, he’s demonstrating your relationship isn’t all that important to him, and it is probably time for you to move on.

Jumping In While Questioning Moral Standards

Do you ever wonder if you are making a big deal about something that everyone else seems to think is insignificant? It’s O.K. to take a stand.

Jody asked: “There is a guy who is very interested in dating me at the college I go to. We are both Christians and he talks about great goals for ministry and talks about his beliefs in God, but I am concerned by some of his choices. For example, some of his favorite movies are very, very sexually explicit. Is this one thing enough grounds to not date this guy? I do not want our relationship to move too fast, if he has a skewed view of intimacy based on the movies he watches.”
That is an excellent question. It speaks to your own maturity and spirituality.

There are two things to address here:

1. You don’t want any relationship to move too fast. A relationship that moves too fast usually crashes and burns.

2. I applaud your desire to be concerned about what a potential boyfriend allows to influence him.

Pay attention to the influences in a potential partner's life.

There is no question entertainment, and culture in general, affect a person’s view of women and intimacy. I would take your discovery of sexually explicit movies very seriously. We all are deeply influenced by what we allow ourselves to see and it’s a slippery slope. He could be addicted to porn.

I would confront this guy straight up about his lifestyle. If he refuses to change, I see a huge red flag. Possibly before you know it, your relationship will all be about sex.

Many dating relationships lead to marriage, and I have a simple rule about marriage: Never marry an addict, because he already loves his addiction more than you, and you can’t have three in a relationship.

Having standards is a good thing.

It’s good for you to have standards and guidelines for the person you date. So many people get hurt. Some people are scarred for life because they end up dating just anybody. If you decide to start dating this guy and he’s not able to hold up his end of the deal and respect your wishes, then you’ll have your answer. But you’ll never know unless you first communicate your hopes and concerns with him.

What Is Seasonal Depression?

Why Winter May Impact Your Mental Health

For some people, depression gets worse at certain times of the year. This may seem unusual, especially if you’ve never noticed how your surroundings and environment affect your mood before. But worsening depression, especially when it sets in during winter, is more common than a lot of people realize. Someone reached out to us recently about this:

“My depression is a lot worse in wintertime, and I can’t figure out why. My routine is the same year-round, so I’m not sure what to do differently. Do you have any idea why I’m feeling depressed more often when it’s cold outside?”

This is a good question. On the surface, it may be hard to see why depression gets worse in one season than in another. But when we do a little digging, some possibilities emerge. If you have seasonal depression triggers, recognizing them can help you feel more prepared and find more ways to cope.

There are a few reasons why you might feel more depressed during the winter months. But there is always something you can do, there is always hope, and support is always available. And you’re definitely not alone in what you’re feeling or experiencing right now. I hope this gives you some suggestions for how to manage winter depression and helps you feel more hopeful and optimistic for the days ahead.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

Seasonal affective disorder has many symptoms in common with depression: things like low mood, difficulty sleeping, weight and appetite control issues, or fatigue are common. 

What makes SAD unique, though, is being a type of depression that is weather-dependent. It affects people during winter months or during cold weather, which may not always occur in winter, depending on where in the world you live.
Doctors and scientists are still studying the causes, impact, and treatment of SAD, so no one is 100% sure why people experience it. But if you notice you’re feeling depressed more often or more severely when it’s cold and grey outside, it may be something you want to talk to your doctor or therapist about.

Lack of Sunlight

It’s often greyer during the day during winter, and it gets dark earlier in the day. This lack of natural light has been linked to feeling more deeply depressed, or feeling depression more frequently, for many people. 
Unfortunately, there’s nothing we can do to change the seasonal rhythms of light and dark. But it might be helpful to:

• Get an indoor lamp that mimics natural lighting.
• Keep the curtains open as often as you can to bring as much natural light into your space as possible.
• Try finding the beauty in winter. Winter weather can create beautiful landscapes for us to enjoy, and there are many fascinating things that happen in nature during the winter. Taking some time to admire winter scenery, or to learn about how plants and animals behave during winter, may help you to think of winter as something more natural, than as something sad or negative. 

Cold Temperatures

Similar to the darker days, we can’t stop winter from being cold. But understanding why cold weather might be making us feel more depressed could help us find ways to cope.

Cold can make our bodies feel tense. If you live in a bitterly cold area, cold wind might hurt or chap your face and hands. Your body may start to ache if you have to be in the cold for a while on a given day. And it’s natural for this discomfort in your body to affect your mood, too.

Here are some things you can try if cold weather is getting you down:

• Gentle stretching or movement throughout the day can boost your mood, and the increased blood flow that comes with physical activity will help you feel warmer.
• Warm blankets are cozy and comforting. If you’re feeling especially down on a cold day, try snuggling up in a warm blanket to watch your favorite show, listen to some of your favorite music, or read a book you enjoy.

These simple things may help lift your spirits and may make it easier to find the good in your life when it’s cold and dreary outside.

Isolation

Many of the activities you like to do might not be possible for stretches of time during winter. School might be out for break or closed due to the weather. Sports or outdoor exercise gets more difficult to do frequently. And snow, sleet, or ice storms may prevent you from being able to leave the house to be with friends and family or to spend time at places you enjoy. This might explain why winter might make you feel isolated or experience loneliness more often than usual, which could worsen your experience of depression. 

It’s natural to feel this way. It’s just your mind’s way of reminding you how much you enjoy life.

Sense of Ending or Loss

Winter starts at the end of a year. The sense of things coming to an end or winding down may make you feel a greater sense of depression. You could be saddened by the leaves falling from the trees. Winter could be reminding you of what you lost or missed out on throughout the year, and it can be difficult to come to terms with the fact that we can’t get our time back once it passes.

When you feel this way, it may be helpful to shift your mindset a bit. Along with being sad about the year coming to an end, can you think of what you are grateful for about this past year? Did you accomplish something new? Did you make new friends?

Focusing on gratitude, even just a little bit each day, can help make coping with seasonal depression easier.

It may also help to look forward. When you think about the future, try thinking of it as being full of possibilities to try new things and to grow as a person. 

You were created with a purpose, and that doesn’t end with the ending of a year or change with the weather. God’s love for you is unconditional, and He has plans to give you hope and a future (Jer 29:11). Remembering that God’s love and your purpose don’t change with the seasons can help you get through some of winter’s tougher days.

Getting Help for Winter Depression

Sometimes, no matter what you try, you still feel bogged down by depression. If you’re feeling more depressed in winter and not sure where to turn, help is available right here, right now. 

You can talk to a HopeCoach by chat or email for supportive mentoring and a greater sense of connection with others. We are here for you, and we are ready to support you through this time. Together, we can get through a harsh or difficult season of life. 

Depression is common, more than just feeling down and most importantly, depression is treatable. Click here for more insights on healing and depression. 

How to Recover From Self-Harm

Why We Seek Out Pain and Ways To Redirect

Remember that kid in elementary school who always wanted to show you a trick? You said you had a headache, and he said, “Give me your hand.” He took your hand and pinched the nerve between your thumb and pointer finger. It hurt! But then your headache was gone. He interrupted the flow of incoming and outgoing messages in your nervous system, and in this case, it caused legitimate relief. Was that self-harm? Or was it just a legitimately cool way to bypass your brain’s sensation of a headache? What about other kinds of aches? Can physical pain stop those too?

Dealing With Guilt

Listen, we’ve all made mistakes. Big ones. Especially those of us who think we haven’t. And dealing with the guilt, that warm wash of “oh no, what have I done, things can never be the same,” no matter how many hours, days, or years it is in the past, can be its own kind of headache, heartache, or even full-body ache. When that state of overwhelm is too much, there are only a few things that our panicked brains can think of to change our situation. Pain is one of them. Because our brains know it works!

The Difference Between Hurt vs. Harm

But what is actual self-harm? Is all pain harm? When you cause yourself pain of any kind, are you officially self-harming? It depends! 

Our pal Dictionary.com defines hurt as feeling or causing “bodily or mental pain or distress.” Sounds like pinching the nerve in your hand, right? The definition of harm includes the word “damage.” That sounds lasting, permanent. The idea that hurt and harm are two very different things is a huge topic of discussion in the psychology world. But how do you tell whether or not you’re self-harming? The answer lies in your intent.

Let’s say, you run every day, intending to stay active and maybe get a little alone time. It hurts, because running is hard! But then it causes lasting benefits to your physical and mental health. That’s not self-harm.

On the other hand, you might run every day with the intention of burning an unreasonable number of calories because you feel ashamed of your body. You’re running so much that you’re injuring your ankles and knees without giving them proper time to heal and recover. You’re running no matter what, even if it makes you late to work, gets in the way of your social plans, or even robs you of sleep. That sounds like you’re causing permanent damage to yourself. And it sounds like you’re doing it on purpose. 

Then there are the much more obvious forms of self-harm like cutting and drug abuse. It’s very difficult to ignore that slicing yourself with a blade or sticking a needle into your vein is causing permanent damage to your body, and the feeling of practicing those behaviors repeatedly is also causing permanent damage to you psychologically, whether you’re practicing these rituals as a form of self-punishment or as a form of relief.

The Difference in Guilt vs. Shame

If you’re feeling the urge to self-harm in moments when you feel guilty about your past, there are a couple more definitions we should look at to help you figure out how to stop.

Brene Brown talks about the difference between guilt and shame in her extensive works on emotional health. Guilt is a useful feeling that triggers us to examine whether a recent behavior lines up with our values. Did you cut someone off in traffic? Guilt triggers you to remember that you don’t actually mind sharing the road, so next time you might be a little more patient. Did you spend a little more on groceries this week than usual? Guilt triggers you to remember that you decided on a budget that you actually respect, so next time you might be a little less impulsive. Shame is when you start to internalize all these “mistakes” as proof that you are a crappy person. Shame stays with you after the guilt passes. Guilt is that temporary pinprick of hurt that is ultimately helpful. Shame is that lasting pain that causes real damage if you don’t address it.

Why Pain Does Not Heal Pain

When we feel worthless, despairing, or angry with ourselves about things we’ve done or said in the past, it can be hard to imagine anything can fix that. You can’t time travel and take back your action. You’re “stuck” with this memory and this shame eating you up from the inside out, and it makes perfect sense that your body or brain might seek out a different form of pain to cope. But look back to that definition of harm. Causing yourself harm will not heal your pain. It causes, by definition, more harm, in the end. If you’ve fallen into the pit of self-harm as a way of dealing with your shame, and you want to stop, please know that it’s possible.

How to Redirect Self-Harm

When those waves of overwhelming pain wash over you, and all you want to do is reach for your favorite self-harm routine, here are a few ideas that may help you stop.
1. Address the source. In that moment where you’re feeling the urge, ask yourself: is this guilt or shame? If you can isolate whether you’re overwhelmed by guilt because you failed a test or shame because you feel like a terrible student, you can actually understand the urge you’re having and why.
2. Tell a friend. Often our self-harm routines are things we practice in secret. We would never do them in front of witnesses. So if you’re really struggling, tell a friend. Sometimes, merely speaking the urge aloud to another person can quell the desire. Or maybe you can ask your friend to come over, if you know you won’t do it with a friend present. A little bit of accountability and company can go a long way.
3. Lean on a counselor. There are people out there trained to help you with this, ready and willing to give you the support you need. Look up the numbers for your local self-harm hotlines, or check out our self-harm recovery partner Door of Hope, so you have someone to call or text in the heat of the moment. Lean on resources like TheHopeLine as much as you need to.
4. Remove the temptation. Depending on what your form of harm is, cut off your access to the tools you use. If you’re over-exercising, give your running shoes or other equipment to a friend, spouse, or parent. Tell them not to give them back to you unless it’s for a healthy, planned workout. If you’re cutting, throw away your blades or give your razor to a friend or spouse. Ask them if you can start shaving in their bathroom when you need to so that those blades aren’t around when you’re alone anymore.
5. Give your body something else to do:

• Say things out loud. Naming things is a powerful practice. Simply saying aloud, to yourself or another person, such as, “I just remembered that one time I got too drunk at a party, and I’m feeling like a worthless idiot who shouldn’t be allowed to have fun. All I want to do is cut, but I am not going to because I’m trying to stop,” is a POWER move. You might feel crazy for talking to yourself, but do it! Your brain needs you to own what’s happening.
• Exercise (but healthily). Getting your heart rate up can help in all sorts of ways, from getting more blood in and out of the brain for better cognitive function to producing those famous endorphins. Just make sure you’re not turning the exercise itself into a form of self-harm.
• Breathing practices. Get on YouTube, Instagram or TikTok and find yourself some calming breathing practice videos to follow. Similarly to exercise, breathing can change up the heart rate and blood flow in ways that may help relieve the overwhelm of your shame or guilt.

6. Practice. Self-harm becomes habitual because it’s a behavior we practice over and over and over. It can be addictive because of the legitimate chemical reactions it causes in the brain. Stopping self-harm is a process. It’s going to take repetition for your brain to unlearn that harm is what we reach for when we feel guilt or shame. And just like when you’re practicing any other skill, you’ll probably make mistakes along the way, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t making progress! Practice.

Freedom From Shame

And finally, forgive yourself. The only way to truly get out from under self-harm is to stop feeling that shame and guilt. To believe, as Jesus does, that you are irrevocably worthy of love and respect, because you are a divine creation. Talk to Jesus. Believe that healing, not further harm, is what He wants for you. Take His assurance of love and acceptance as grounds to forgive yourself each time you feel that wave of guilt or shame.

Here is a resource that will help you gain a greater understanding about God’s love for you and His ability to care for you… and as always Hope Coaches are available 7 days a week if you need to chat.

WHO ARE YOU?

WHO ARE YOU REALLY?

HOW DO YOU DEFINE YOURSELF?

THE BURDEN: 

Many don’t openly share it, but they affix labels to their hearts according to their sins or atrocities wreaked upon their lives. They quietly define themselves by sin- or scar-filled pasts. Looking at their personal history they become convinced no one will love them, they can’t effectively serve, or that they won’t be accepted because of “X, Y, or Z.” They won’t allow themselves to be loved because of guilt and shame that they carry.

This broken world trudges about with enormous burdens strapped to our weary backs. We convince ourselves that we are wholly alone, so sure that everyone would hate us “if only they knew”. Judging our old self so harshly drives us to isolate ourselves from fellow believers. Seclusion makes our service less effective. Guilt makes our hearts weary and afraid.

How to Move Past Shame

THE FORGIVENESS:

We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing...Romans 6:6a

Dear one, the cleansing forgiveness of Christ is equally offered to all. That forgiveness is absolute; it covers anything that you could possibly bring to Him. Even if you are a believer who has fallen into a sinful habit for a time, He still offers forgiveness.

Even if it is something that you are sure no one would ever forgive, He still offers forgiveness. Even if something happened that you couldn’t control, and yet somehow you feel marred by it, He still offers forgiveness.

HE WANTS TO TAKE THE PAIN OF THE PAST AWAY FROM YOU.

All of your sin, guilt, and shame can be done away with for the low, low price of … nothing. This offer, this wonderfully heavenly offer, has nothing to do with who you are, and everything to do with the cross.

LOOK LIKE HIS MAKES YOU WORTHY OF FORGIVESNESS. 

ACCEPTING THAT FORGIVENESS MEANS THAT
THE WORK OF SIN IN YOUR LIFE IS
ABOLISHED,
REMOVED,
“BROUGHT TO NOTHING!”

Attaching your worth and identity to anything other than the cross is not what the Lover of our souls wants for us! He loves us. When we love someone, our hearts ache when we see them struggling and in pain. I challenge you to imagine what the great God of the universe—the God with an endless capacity to love – feels when He sees us hurting.

For so long I saw myself as damaged, useless, worthless…all because of sins I committed or the terrible things that happened to me. I wouldn’t let it go. Frankly, for a while I either didn’t know how, or didn’t want to. Those labels I carried were how I defined myself, and I c(w)ouldn’t remove them, no matter how wrong they were. It was always so easy for me to tell others how forgiven and precious they were because of God’s love. Yet somehow, I could never manage to tell myself the same thing.

WHY CAN’T WE FORGIVE OURSELVES THE WAY THAT WE FORGIVE OTHERS?

As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us...Psalm 103:12

With the blood spilled by our Savior, the Lord took our sin and our scars and our shame away. It’s gone. It’s over.

THE FREEDOM:

No longer should we hate ourselves for the burdens that we carry. In saving us He offers to take the weight of those transgressions off our shoulders. He worked so hard to ensure that we wouldn’t have to carry that burden anymore. He yearns to make our burden easy and light. But here we are, carrying it still. Either unwilling, or unaware of how to leave it with Him.

So, if no one ever has, I’m here to tell you:

1. Your past, your pain is not who you are. It may feel comfortable to identify yourself by such markers, but your beautiful soul that God created is so much more than a darkly colored past.

2. Any changes made to your physical person, pre-or post-salvation, do not change your soul. i.e., Drug/alcohol addiction, loss of virginity before marriage (regardless of the way that it was lost), abuse, scars from self-harm, scars someone else inflicted on you, and any other atrocities I have failed to mention. None of this changes a soul that has been cleansed.

3. Don’t let what others might think of you or what you think others might think of you define you. Even if someone doesn’t like you, God does.

4. The moment you lay it at His feet and leave it there. From that point, it is His to deal with. You no longer must shoulder the burden of any of it. So, let it go.

5. You are a child of God. Before calling yourself “useless sinner” or “damaged goods” try calling yourself, His".

Friend, I’m not promoting arrogance, or a continued life of sin in any way, shape, or form. This glorious forgiveness, grace and mercy is not something that should be abused or taken for granted. Use it when you need it. Don’t create circumstances in which you would need it.

But live in freedom. When you feel the desire to berate yourself, praise Him instead. When you feel the shame and guilt creeping up so much that you think you’re going to choke, remember how loved and precious you are in His eyes. Cliché as it sounds, don’t dwell on the past. It is over and done. Besides, you have something so much more wonderful to think on now.

THE FATHER:

Please try to remember daily that you are dearly loved by God. When you belong to Him, there is only ONE thing that He sees: a soul that has been cleansed. Anything else said of you, anything you think of yourself, anything you have done, anything that has happened to you—it can all be made irrelevant the moment you choose Him and choose to leave it at His feet. When that happens, the best and most important thing about you is that:

YOU ARE A CLEANSED CHILD OF THE KING OF KINGS.

I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine...Song of Solomon 6:3

-Kat . About the author... While consuming copious amounts of tea, Kat can be found working with her hands. Be it writing (poetry, recipes, short stories, and a book she's been working on longer than she'd like to admit), cooking, crocheting, or restoring furniture made by her great-grandpa, Kat likes production. Her favorite days are the gloomy, rainy ones that she fills with more tea, time with God, and endless books. God is the love of her life, and it is the greatest joy of her heart to serve Him in her ministries to the hearts of others.