How to Prevent Self-Harm

Healthy Coping Skills for Self-Harm/Cutting Urges

We hear from a lot of people who struggle with self-harm. It's important to remember that self-harm can include a variety of behaviors. If you're putting yourself through physical, emotional, or mental suffering to punish yourself, to attempt to relieve stress, or to "release" deeper emotional pain, it's going to take a toll on your mental health. It poses a physical risk, too. So, it's important to get help to stop harming yourself as soon as you realize it's a problem. 

Some of the most common ways people mentally and physically harm themselves include:

• Cutting/Self-Harm
• Addiction/Substance Abuse
• Pornography Addiction
• Hating Yourself

If you've been cutting or harming yourself in other ways, there are much healthier ways to manage your mental health. Here are some that people chatting with our HopeCoaches have found most helpful. 

Five Things to Focus on to Avoid Self-Harm

1. Realize You're in Control

We've noticed that people cut and self-harm because they feel overwhelmed or overtaken by painful emotions or traumatic circumstances and harmful behaviors feel like a way to cope. But that's a dangerous myth that only gets people trapped in a cycle of greater pain and harm.

• Myth: My emotions are too much to manage.
  • Truth: You are in control of your emotions. You can decide to do something other than harming yourself.
• Myth: I have to hurt myself to release the pain I'm feeling inside.
  • Truth: Hurting yourself will only worsen your pain.

How does it feel to know that you can find ways through these tough feelings that won't compound your suffering? It can be very empowering when we realize just how much we are capable of, especially with so many people who care, and so much support for stopping self-harm available.

For example, you can reach out to our partner, Door of Hope, for support from people who’ve been there or chat with a Hope Coach.

2. Realize Urges Will Pass

If you think back, you probably haven't followed every strong urge you've ever felt by acting on it. Of course, we all make mistakes, and we all give in to unhealthy impulses from time to time. But no single powerful emotion or urge lasts forever. 

Like all urges, the urge to cut or harm yourself will pass if you wait it out. It's best, during those times, to have a plan for healthy distractions from cutting or self-harm that you can focus on to pass the time.

You can get creative based on what you enjoy and what makes you feel relaxed, but here are some suggestions (adapted from a list by TeensHealth) to try if you’re drawing a blank:

• Make a list of people, places, interests, or activities you love and care about.
• Call, text, or video chat with a friend or family member about your upcoming plans, or a funny story that always makes the two of you laugh.
• Play with your pet or take them for a walk. If you don't have a pet, look at cute pictures or videos of animals online.
• Take a hot shower or bath to relax your muscles.
• Go for a walk, hike, jog, or run.
• Dance and/or sing along to your favorite songs until you're feeling better. 
• Watch a funny show or video.
• Drink a glass of water.
• Lie down or snuggle up under a soft blanket.

Whatever you decide on can fill your mind and keep you occupied until the desire to hurt yourself goes away. 

3. Make a Plan

People who have talked to us about their own self-harm recovery journey have mentioned the importance of planning ahead. In the heat of the moment, it's more challenging to stop the cycle of self-harm.

But if you have a plan of steps to avoid self-harm that you know work well, you can follow that plan next time you're tempted to cut or engage in other self-harming behavior. 
Your plan can include:

• Encouraging Things to Tell Yourself
• People to Call or Text
• a Bible Verse that Encourages You
• a Song to Listen to or a Show to Watch

Keep your plan on a small card or sticky note, and put it in places that are easy to see for when you need reminders. Some people put theirs in the bedroom or bathroom mirror, on their desk, in their purse or wallet, or on the refrigerator. Choose wherever works for you, and make more than one copy if you feel you need to.

4. Focus on Your Future

When the urge to cut or harm yourself strikes, you might feel either overwhelmed by all the things you regret about your past, or powerless against the pain of the present moment. But there's something important you're forgetting: the future! Your whole life is ahead of you. In those tough moments, try imagining and hoping for your future:

• What new hobbies would you like to try?
• What do you want to learn more about?
• Are there art projects or works of art you want to create?
• Which talents and gifts would you like to share with others?
• What are some dreams for your life you hope to achieve someday?
• What adventures do you want to share with your friends, family, or loved

Thinking about the future can help you remember that you were created with a purpose, and there is still a lot of time left to make a difference in your life, your relationships, and the world around you. 

5. Remember Your Value

Remembering your value can be key to reclaiming your self-worth and self-esteem. When you have a strong sense of self-worth, you're far less likely to harm yourself through cutting, addiction, or some other toxic behavior. But where do you find that worth when life gets you down? Someone sent us a message that may help you with this:

"The last time I wanted to cut, I didn't know what else to do but pray. I'm not very religious, but the desire to hurt myself felt way bigger than I can handle. I don't remember what I said exactly, but it was something like, 'Please God, take this urge away from me and help me remember I'm loved'. I prayed that over and over until I felt calmer, and I noticed a picture of me with my family. I felt like God helped me get through my temptation to self-harm not only because of my prayer, but by reminding me of the love my family has for me, and that I don't want to hurt the people in my life"

Hopefully, it helps you if you're struggling with thoughts of self-harm to remember that God loves you unconditionally, and that He is ready to show you that love through the people you care about, and the people who are important to you.

We have a partner resource for you and your loved one called, Door of Hope.  They provide emotional support, guidance and resources for young adults who struggle with self-injury. You can call, text, or email a recovery coach to start breaking free from self-harm today!

How to Love a Spouse Who Has Been Abused

Supporting a Spouse Who Was Abused

You love your spouse, and you want your marriage to be happy and peaceful. But we don't come into marriage as a blank slate. We bring the emotions and memories of our childhood experiences into our relationship with us. This can be particularly challenging if one or both of you has been through hard things. I got a message from someone recently who is dealing with this in their marriage:

"My wife is a wonderful woman and I love being married to her. But I recently learned she was abused by a family member as a child, and I'm so sad by how painful it still is for her. I know that people who are abused have trouble trusting, and I want her to know she can trust me. What can I do to earn her trust?"

If you have a spouse who was abused, you're likely feeling a similar way as the person who wrote this message. Building trust after abuse can be a long process, and it can be difficult for both people in the marriage. But there is a way forward for couples willing to put in the time and effort to heal together and grow closer to one another. Here are some suggestions for how to think, talk, and work through difficult situations and emotions 

Keep the Faith in Your Relationship

When you find out something painful or shocking, your brain can switch into worst-case-scenario thinking. I want to encourage you to remember that your spouse married you in an act of love and trust. That means they believe that your relationship can survive and thrive in spite of the challenges that life throws at you, it's important to remember that you have been through a lot together already, and that you can continue to weather tough emotions that come with the impact of childhood abuse together.

Don't Try to "Fix It"

There is a lot you and your spouse can do to help one another day to day. But you can't fix something like childhood abuse the way you might be able to turn around a bad day. 

Thinking that you have to fix it is an unreasonable expectation. You can care, you can listen, and you can continue to love. But you won't be able to change the past, or to change how they perceive themselves and their abuse. Free yourself from unreasonable expectations and focus on love. It already has made a difference to your spouse, and it will continue to encourage and bolster them as they deal with their childhood trauma.

Respect Their Privacy

Talking about childhood abuse isn't easy, and it's another sign of trust that your spouse has told you about what they suffered as a child. I know you might want to tell others, or to reach out for help on their behalf. But it's important to respect their privacy. That's not to say you can't offer support. You can always say something like:

"Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me that. I'm so sorry you had to deal with so much pain. You can trust me to respect your privacy. If you need help finding support, I am here for you anytime. I love you, and we will get through this together."

I suggest offering to help them find support, so you don't take too much on yourself. There are many abuse recovery support organizations that are ready, willing, and able to help your spouse, and who have the time and qualifications to do so.

If you feel like you need to talk to someone about the pain you feel on behalf of your partner, you can share that with them without getting into details or compromising your spouse's confidence. 

When you talk to a counselor or mentor you trust, you can say, "My spouse is hurting and I 
don't know how to comfort them. Can you give me some ideas?" If you feel like you need to share something more specific, ask for your spouse's consent, and only share if they give it to you. 

Model Trust with Them

One of the most painful things about childhood abuse is that the people who were supposed to protect and nurture your spouse did the opposite, at a time when their feelings and opinions of people were still being formed and understood. As a result, trust is going to be difficult for them moving forward. When you model trusting behavior for your spouse, that can only help their sense of trust in others. You can:

• Trust them to ask for help when they need it.
• Trust them to continue to be there for you, even though they're going through something hard.
• Trust them to work to understand and heal from their pain.
• Trust them to let you know how you can be there for them.

Modeling trust is a great way to build it in your marriage and remain close in the face of challenges that come up along the way. Along with showing your partner you trust them; it will help to express gratitude for their acts of trust. Opening up to you about the childhood abuse they experienced, sharing their emotions, and checking in with you about their healing journey, are all acts of trust that point toward an important truth: they are working on their healing. 

Surprise Them with Kindness

It's important to remember the joy in your relationship. After all, you were brought together by love and joy. You were created to be in a relationship, and your spouse is one of the most important relationships in your life. When you feel drained by the difficult emotions your spouse is feeling. It might be helpful to remember that you are both loved by God, and that He can handle everything you all are facing together. Pray to God and trust Him to take on your pain, and to reconnect you with the joy and love in your relationship.

You can also surprise your spouse with kindness: acts of affection, meals, gifts, special dates, whatever you can dream up to remind them you're there for them and you care about them. When they have been shown unkindness at such important times in their life, small, intentional acts of kindness can be very powerful and healing. 

• What can you do for your spouse today to show them love in a special way? 
• How can you remind them what you love about them? 
• How can you show them gratitude for ways they love and care for you?

Get Support for Your Feelings

When one person in a marriage is trying to heal after abuse, it can sometimes dominate conversations. While it's important to give your spouse space to talk about things, I know you have difficult feelings to work through, too. And you don't have to do that by yourself. TheHopeLine has trained HopeCoaches who offer confidential email and chat mentoring for marriage challenges and tough emotional struggles. 

Talk to a HopeCoach today about the pain you feel for your spouse, your hopes for the future, and what you hope to accomplish together as a couple. We are here for you, and we believe your marriage will continue to grow stronger and closer in the months and years to come.

Is your spouse coping with sexual abuse? There is hope here. They can be a whole person, healed and recovered from what happened in their life. 

~Terri Henry

What Is a Narcissist

Narcissism. Before we dive in, let’s answer an important question. What is it? It’s a bit more complicated than when your partner acts a little selfish sometimes. The term comes from Greek mythology and a story about a guy named Narcissus.

How Do I Know I'm With a Narcissist?

The Origin Story

Narcissus had a lot of things going for him. Mainly? He was pretty. That happens when you’re the son of a god and a nymph. Pretty genes. Lucky guy. What’s the problem? He was so pretty that a) almost everyone fell in love with him and b) he didn’t think any of them were good enough. One day he met a nymph named Echo who fell for him instantly, and when he inevitably rejected her advances, she died of a broken heart. Echo’s death did not sit well with a god-level friend of hers who cursed Narcissus to… wait for it… fall deeply in love with his own reflection. He was so fixated on gazing at his reflection, in fact, that he wasted away and died. Sounds extreme, right? That’s narcissism.

The Present Concern

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a legitimate mental health issue that requires diagnosis and treatment. It’s a curse, if you want to stick with the mythology theme, to be rendered incapable of fixating on anything other than yourself.

“Pathological self-absorption” has been a subject of study since the late 1800’s, but it’s actually pretty rare. Only about 1% of the population suffers from the condition, according to Psychology Today.

It’s likely, then, that if you’re wondering whether your partner or someone you know is a narcissist, they’re actually just exhibiting narcissistic traits and tendencies as a coping mechanism for some underlying issue. And often, that means they’re going to need help to change. They’re stuck staring at their own problems, just like Narcissus couldn’t tear his gaze away from his reflection.

And even, or especially, when you understand that your narcissist is hurting, their behaviors can be extremely hurtful to you and anyone else in relationship with them.

EVERYONE (even you, yes) is selfish sometimes. With patience and grace for yourself and others, hopefully you recognize and work on areas where you struggle. True narcissists are never going to see that in themselves, but someone with narcissistic ways of dealing with their life… the future depends on a couple of things.

The Red Flags

Like all personality disorders, narcissism is complicated, so there are a few different “kinds” of narcissism. But some common traits among the different types share tell-tale signs that you’re in a narcissistic relationship:

• Your partner has an inflated sense of entitlement.
• Your partner ignores other people’s needs.
• Your partner isn’t great at hearing feedback.
• Your partner engages in manipulation to achieve their goals.
• Your partner dominates conversations or spends an excessive amount of time on their physical appearance.
• You feel insecure in the relationship or pressured to “perform” the way your partner expects.

What do you do if you recognize these tendencies in your partner? I think the most loving, honest thing to do is… ask them about it. Ask them, “Do you think you’re narcissistic?” That’s not going to be a fun conversation! Especially if one of their narcissistic traits is that difficulty with processing feedback. But, if they’re capable of recognizing the signs in themselves, and if they’re open to mental health counseling, they may be capable of growth. If they can’t or won’t see it, you need to know that too.

I want to be very clear here that if you’re in a relationship with someone whose narcissistic behaviors are harming you or your children, you have every right to protect yourself and those you love. Sometimes, the fact may be that you need to leave that situation, if you can. That’s something we can help you with here if you want to reach out to one of our HopeCoaches. It’s never your responsibility to wait for someone to “get better” just because you love them… it’s theirs, even if they can’t see it.

Facing the Problem

Bear in mind one key element of the story of Narcissus--he died. It killed him. Narcissism is not good for anyone, including the narcissist, who is quite literally trapped in a constant thought cycle about me, myself, and I. If you feel safe confronting the narcissist in your life, ask them if they’d be willing to seek treatment or attend counseling. If you’re in a romantic partnership with the narcissist, couples counseling might be the best way to address how their narcissistic tendencies are taking a toll on your relationship.

If you think you might be in a relationship with a narcissist, try reaching out to a counselor for yourself before you try to “fix” them. You need to make sure your own mental health is being tended to before you start analyzing someone else’s--ever heard that Bible verse about the speck and the plank? Essentially it says look at yourself before trying to fix someone else. With some validation and wisdom from a trusted resource, you’ll be more capable of feeling out what your hopes and goals for the relationship are, which will inform how you move forward.

The Simple Truth

There is no doubt that you deserve better than a narcissist’s abuse, but if you’ve been dealing with a narcissistic personality for a while, you may not believe you deserve better. You may have been trained to assume that you’re “annoying to be around” and feel selfish for having needs, wants, or just for existing. But that’s who the narcissist says you are. It’s not the truth.

God loves you for who you ARE. To Him you are precious, “fearfully and wonderfully made,” and worthy of unconditional love. He would never gaslight you, withhold approval until you perform “correctly,” or refuse to listen to your needs. His love creates safety, not insecurity. That safe space allows those who live in it to find hope and purpose instead of exhaustion and despair, and that’s the kind of love you deserve.

More Resources for Narcissism 

If you would like to take a deeper look into narcissism, the MedCircle series on Narcissistic Relationships with Dr. Ramani may be helpful to you. (We are not in partnership with the Medcircle nor do we endorse any services they offer.)

As always, please reach out to TheHopeLine if you need support. We’re always here to listen, pray, and offer resources without judgment.

Still, have questions? To find out more on how to tell if you're with a narcissist read, How Do I Know if I Love a Narcissist?

 

Why Do Girls Date Bad Guys?

Dating Advice for Guys

I imagine most guys have all asked themselves at one point or another while dating…. what exactly is going on inside her head? What makes her tick? How does what I say, and how I act, affect her?

Three guys submitted three really good questions along these lines.  Specifically, why do good girls go for bad guys? Why do girls put themselves down? And how do you let a girl down easy?

Below is my attempt to answer these questions. Let’s get started…

Why Do Bad Guys Get the Good Girls?

Seeing a really nice girl go out with a guy that treats her terribly can be frustrating to any good guy who cares and is doing all the right things. Why does a girl choose a guy that’s bad for her? What is that all about?

Joseph asked: What is the motivation for a woman to go after an abusive, degrading man when she can just as easily get a nicer, more respectful guy?

This is a great question, Joseph. Many guys have spent sleepless nights wondering that same thing. Let me try to answer it.

It’s a Pattern They Understand

Sadly, some women are confused by the drama of an abusive relationship. Many women who choose this type of relationship have grown up in dysfunctional homes and that’s all they’ve ever known. It seems normal to them. They don’t even realize it CAN be better.

Others have been beaten down so much and have such low self-worth that they feel it’s all they deserve. That is why you will see some girls going back to the same cruel, controlling, obsessive, and yes, abusive guy.

It’s sad, but the best thing you can do is be kind to girls that have this background. Encourage them that they are worth more, but you might not be able to change their thinking.

Believe me, there are many girls who will respect the fact that you respect them.

Some other reasons women might choose bad guys is simply because they are attracted to certain qualities “bad” guys seem to possess.

Women Like Confidence

Women love a man with a great amount of confidence. Many like guys who go their own way and do their own thing. They value strength and like to know their man will protect them in a dangerous situation. While everyone is different, these are some of the things that women are drawn toward.

Unfortunately, many guys who exhibit these characteristics can take them to the extreme and be self-centered, demanding, and even abusive.

Nice Guys are Not a Challenge

Additionally, from some female’s perspectives, many nice guys can appear to be boring and uninteresting. They are not a challenge. They are easy to figure out, easy to trust, easy to understand. Not a bad thing at all, but some women like a challenge and the chase.
Bottom line is this…if you’re one of the nice guys, do NOT get mean or careless. Rather consider increasing the confidence you have in yourself. Move confidently toward the things you are interested in and excel at those things. Remember, the more confident you become, the more attractive you are.

Why Do Girls Put Themselves Down?

What motivates a girl to talk bad about herself? Is she doing it for attention? Is she seeking a compliment? Or does she really have that low of self-esteem?

Max asked: Why do some girls say that they are fat or ugly when they truly aren’t? I think most of the time they are looking for attention, but sometimes it’s not that. Could you explain why they say those things about themselves?

Society tells girls over and over again, unless they look a certain way, they are an inferior product.

Most women love to feel beautiful. The amount of shopping done is proof of that. They can spend hundreds of dollars on clothes, makeup and jewelry, all because it makes them feel more attractive.

So, self-esteem is at the core of your question, and this can especially be an issue for a young lady if she hasn’t been told of her beauty and worth as a little girl. One of the responsibilities of a little girl’s daddy is to tell his daughter she’s beautiful. If she doesn’t get that positive reinforcement from her dad, she’s going to convince herself she is unattractive.

Inner Beauty is Powerful

It would be great if all women understood the powerful truth about inner beauty. Inner beauty is the good qualities that come from within, such as love, kindness, compassion, creativity, and sensitivity to the opposite sex. In the end, it’s the inner beauty that will allow a woman to be beautiful far past her physical prime. Yet, many young women neglect developing the inner beauty and work only on the outer shell of their physical being.

God has made each of us beautiful in incredibly unique ways. But it’s easy to forget, and simply focus on trying to get other people to like us, or to tell us we’re valuable. Therefore, many women find it effective to cut themselves down, just so they can hear someone disagree with them. It’s a way of forcing a compliment out of someone. Before long, the person can’t ever say anything positive about themselves.

If you’re dating someone, let your girlfriend know with your words how beautiful she is, inside and out. This will give a priceless boost to her self-esteem.

How to Let a Girl Down Easy

I appreciate this question from a guy who wanted to remain anonymous. It shows he has enough respect for women to be kind and caring with their hearts.

He asked, how does a guy politely say he is not attracted to a girl? She may be nice, well-grounded, and a great future wife, but when there is no physical attraction, how should that be communicated to the girl?

Some guys will just brush the girl off, and ignore her, neglecting any kind of future contact with her. This is a pretty sad treatment of women. So, let’s decide to buck the system and treat women with respect and admiration. So how do you do it?

4 Tips to Letting a Girl Down Easy:

1. Keep it simple. Don’t make a big deal about it, you’ll only make her feel uncomfortable.
2. Have the conversation apart from other people.
3. Be as honest as possible. You could start by telling her that while she’s a great girl, you just don’t see a long-term future with her. Then if she wants a deeper explanation and asks you why you don’t see a future, you could tell her that while she is attractive, you don’t feel the two of you together have chemistry, and she deserves that.
4. If you want to be friends with her and nothing more, tell her that. But don’t tell her you want to be friends with her if you really don’t. Don’t lead her on.

Bottom line is that physical attraction is important for a long-lasting relationship to succeed. Of course, it’s not the only thing, but it is an element of any strong relationship.

In the end, treat her like you’d like to be treated yourself. The fact you are concerned about addressing this in a polite and respectful way means you’re already off to a great start.

For more questions from guys about dating, check out– How to Know if a Girl Likes You and much more.

How to Handle Loneliness in Marriage

Helpful Advice for Marriage Loneliness

On the day you got married, it likely seemed like you and your partner would always make each other happy. But emotions are complicated, and difficult feelings surface in marriage in unexpected ways. Take this message I got recently:

"We have been married for a year and a half, and I love my husband very much. But, even with all the time we spend together, I still feel lonely in my marriage. I guess I thought that the decision to spend our lives together would have an impact on that, but loneliness still nags at me. What can I do to feel less lonely as a married person?"

I really appreciate the honesty of anyone willing to ask about, and deal with, marriage loneliness. If you feel lonely in marriage, you're not the only one. I read an article where about 30% of people surveyed felt lonely, even though they were married. But there's good news: there are practical steps you can take to address and heal from loneliness in a marriage. Here are some things I have found helpful, and I hope they help you, too.

Understand What Loneliness Is (And isn't)

Many people think of loneliness as being alone. But that's not the case. Perhaps you can think of a time when you were by yourself, enjoying a place or activity you love, and feeling content. Loneliness isn't a lack of people, it's a lack of connection.

So, to understand how to deal with loneliness in a marriage, we have to remember that in order to get to the bottom of things more readily:

• Do you feel less connected with friends? 
• Do you feel less connected with your spouse?
• Do you feel less connected with part of yourself, or with something you used to enjoy doing?
• Did you lose someone close to you, and are you grieving that loss of connection?

Answering these questions helps pin down the source of loneliness, which can help you make a plan to address and alleviate it more completely.

Talk to Your Spouse About Loneliness

Once you've had time and space to think through why you feel lonely in your marriage, you can talk to your spouse about it in a way that shares how you're hurting, or what you feel is missing, without lashing out or blaming your spouse for a problem or challenge. Even if something they did or said contributed to a lack of connection, it will do more harm than good to talk about it in an accusing way.

You could say something like:

• "I haven't been feeling as connected to you lately. Let's spend some special time together."
• "I've really been missing a friend of mine. Is there a night next week I can plan a dinner with her?"
• "I've been thinking about how much I miss painting. Can you help me set up an easel in the garage?"
• "It's been hard for me to connect with people since my grandfather died. Can we talk about him for a while?"

This opens up the conversation, instead of turning it into a conflict and closing it down. As you're talking, don't forget to ask your spouse if they feel lonely, too. There may be an opportunity for each of you to learn how to better connect with one another.

Discover Your Love Languages

Have you ever heard of Gary Chapman's book, The 5 Love Languages? Our love language refers to how we give love, and the forms of love that are most powerful to us. Sometimes, when couples are missing out on a sense of connection, it helps to think about what your love languages are. The two of you may have very different ways of expressing and receiving love. So, it is important to understand what communicates love to your spouse. It is likely that you both give and receive love in primarily one of the following ways:

• Quality Time: Spending quality time means being intentional about your time together, unplugging from distractions, and focusing on one another. 
• Words of Affirmation: Encouraging, kind words can really make a difference in how connected we feel to our spouse.
• Physical Touch: Romance, intimacy, and physical touch are an important part of healthy marriages.
• Acts of Service: Doing something to help your spouse, whether it's a chore, an errand, or a meal, can relieve their stress and help them feel more connected to you. 
• Gift-Giving: Being surprised by even a small gift is a thoughtful way to reconnect with your spouse.

As you talk through these with your partner, think of ways you can practice them in your marriage. As you make efforts to express your love in new ways, don't forget to show gratitude for one another.

Let Go of the Need to Be "Everything"

One of the unrealistic expectations society, media, books, and movies can give us about marriage is that we have to be everything for our spouse, and vice versa. But the truth is, perfection is impossible. And none of us can be everything for anybody. 

These unhealthy expectations are a common factor in marriage loneliness. But that can resolve itself with acceptance that you don't have to be perfect for one another, and with reminders that other relationships are still in our lives to help us in ways our partner may not be able to.

It's also important to remember that you are not abnormal, and your marriage is not failing if you feel lonely or disconnected because you and your partner are not fulfilling one another's lofty expectations. While we were all created for loving relationships, people are human, and those relationships will occasionally fall short and let us down. 

In those moments, I find hope in remembering that God’s love will never let me down. God’s love is perfect unlike human love. When I truly believe in Him and trust that He cares for me and is watching over me, I find great peace. I can also ask Him to give me the clarity and strength I need to deal with marriage challenges.

Keep Other Relationships Strong

Sometimes, we are so excited to be with our spouse that we can end up in a bit of a "bubble". If you've noticed that you're spending all your free time with your partner, that may be part of the reason you feel lonely. It may not be that you've lost a sense of connection to your spouse, but that you feel less connected to others. You can try things like:

• Having a phone or video call with your friends or family
• Send them cards or letters to let them know you're thinking about them
• Planning a group dinner with your spouse and a couple of your close friends or family members

Whatever you can do to strengthen friendships and family relationships, it will take the pressure off the relationship with your spouse and will help you both feel less lonely and disconnected.

I know marriage challenges can be unexpected, especially if you've had a good marriage up to this point. Marriage loneliness can be tough, but it's nothing that can't be overcome. 

TheHopeLine has HopeCoaches trained to talk you through common ups and downs in your marriage. If you're feeling lonely in marriage, talk to a HopeCoach today. We are here to listen, and we have faith that your marriage will continue to grow stronger.

If you're looking for a deeper relationship in your marriage, sometimes a mindset shift is needed. Read about these are 3 mindset shifts here. 

Eating Issues Manifest in Many Different Ways

Perhaps caring friends or family members are expressing concern about the way you eat. If you are completely honest with yourself, deep down inside you sense that something is wrong (although it is very common for those struggling with disordered eating to be in denial).

Eating issues can manifest themselves in many different ways, but there are two extremes: Some people are living on the obsessive side, such as constantly worrying about their weight, meticulously counting calories, compulsively exercising and/or living in fear of eating the wrong thing. Other people struggle with chaotic, out-of-control eating — especially in response to stress or emotional upset – and/or lack any structure or regularity of meals. Many people fall somewhere in between, leaning one way or the other, while others swing back and forth between the two extremes such as with yo-yo dieting. Does any of this sound familiar? If so, read on.
To start, let’s clarify some terminology.

How to Manage an Eating Disorder

What is an “Eating Disorder?”

An “Eating Disorder” refers to a medical diagnosis based on a very specific set of criteria. Examples include Anorexia, Bulimia, Binge Eating Disorder and Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID). There is also a lesser-known category called “OSFED,” which stands for Other Specified Feeding or Eating Disorder (formerly EDNOS or Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified). Although a person struggling with OSFED does not meet the full diagnostic criteria for other eating disorders, it is still a serious issue requiring professional attention. If you haven’t already done so, check out our article “What is OSFED (EDNOS)?” to learn more.

What is “Disordered Eating?”

While the term “eating disorder” refers to a medical diagnosis, the term “disordered eating” refers to a type of behavior. Disordered eating behaviors include out-of-control eating (such as stress eating and emotional eating), weight preoccupation, pathological dieting, bingeing, purging, compulsive exercise and health food obsessions.

The causes of disordered eating are complex. Here are some of them:

• Psychological – feelings of inadequacy or lack of control in life, depression, anxiety
• Interpersonal – troubled relationships, difficulty expressing emotions, history of teasing or abuse, family pressures
• Social – cultural emphasis on appearance, thinness, and perfection
• Biological – a genetic predisposition (runs in families)

Disordered eating practices can range from mild to severe. These behaviors may fit part of the criteria for an eating disorder diagnosis or they may signal an eating issue that is not medically diagnosable. It’s a matter of degree. Engaging in fewer and/or milder behaviors, however, can eventually lead to the development of a full-blown eating disorder. If you have children, or plan to, modeling these unhealthy practices can put them at risk for developing an eating disorder in the future.

Some eating issues that are not categorized as eating disorders have been defined and named. Examples include:

• Orthorexia – going to extremes in pursuit of a “healthy” diet
• Bigorexia – obsession with increased muscle development (also called muscle dysmorphic disorder)
• Diabulima – persons with Type I diabetes who lower insulin doses in order to lose weight
• Chewing and Spitting – avoidance of swallowing certain foods in an attempt to control weight

Even if your disordered eating practices don’t place you in a defined category, they are taking a toll on you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Disordered eating of any kind interferes with daily functioning – preventing joy, peace and God’s best for your life.

A Wide Range of Behaviors

Disordered eating includes a wide range of behaviors. Here are some specific examples, but this is by no means a comprehensive listing.

• You’re always on a diet, always coming off a diet, or always getting ready to go on one again (chronic dieting).
• You categorize foods as “safe” versus “off-limits.”
• You skip meals or eat very little to try to control your weight, whether daily or intermittently.
• You are obsessed with exercising and follow an excessive or rigid routine.
• You are obsessed with eating only “pure,” natural, raw and/or organic foods.
• You binge and/or purge sometimes. You substitute supplements and fad diets for real food.
• You skip social occasions because you feel fat, or because you are afraid of what’s being served, even if your weight is normal.
• You eat large amounts of foods in secret and hide the evidence.
• You overeat to meet non-physical needs such as: to medicate, comfort, distract, companion, reward or punish yourself.
• You restrict eating to feel in control, distract or punish.
• You refuse to eat regular meals, choosing instead to ‘nibble’ throughout the day on small portions of food (which usually leads to bingeing).
• You weigh yourself multiple times a day.
• You believe that everyone is as focused on your weight as you are.
• You are preoccupied with your body shape.

Each practice in the above list is considered a disordered eating behavior. For many disordered eaters, self-worth is based on body shape and weight. The underlying fears, shame and preoccupations interfere with personal relationships and lead to social isolation. Perhaps you engage in one or several of the behaviors. Even if you don’t meet the full criteria for an eating disorder, this is not how God intended for us to live.

A Common Struggle

Many people struggle with disordered eating practices. Eating issues are so pervasive in our society that it is easy to start to believe they are normal. But that is far from the truth.

The following facts and figures reinforce the widespread problem of disordered eating and body image concerns:
1. 3/4 of women have some sort of eating issue.
2. As many as 66% of women and 52% of men report feelings of dissatisfaction or inadequacy regarding their weight.
3. 35% of dieters in the US engage in “Pathological Dieting”.
4. The body-mass index for most Miss America winners in the past 3 decades lies within the range of under-nutrition.
5. ¾ of women whose weights fall in the “normal” range feel too fat and wish to lose weight, desiring on average to weigh only slightly more than weights in the Anorexia Nervosa range.
6. Sub-Clinical disorders are documented as being the most common type of disordered eating among college women.
7. Nearly 3 out of 4 adolescent girls have been or are currently dieting.
8. Athletes with higher levels of weight and diet concerns also show higher levels of neuroticism and lower levels of emotional “well-being” and stability.
9. Sub-Clinical eating disorders often lead to the development of more serious, clinical eating disorders.
10. In addition to early onset during childhood, adolescence and first independence, eating disorders are often developed later in life, triggered by age-related weight gain, as well as life events such as marriage, pregnancy, and loss of a loved one.
11. 95% of dieters suffer from “weight cycling” (losing, regaining and even gaining additional pounds).

Some professionals estimate that as many as four out of five people engage in some type of disordered eating. This suggests that only one out of five people have a truly healthy relationship with food — enjoying meals and eating for physical (not emotional or psychological) reasons, without obsessing about weight, worrying about calories, trying to eat perfectly or feeling powerless over food.

What to Do?

Whether you qualify for an eating disorder diagnosis or not, it’s time to break free from your eating issues and learn to live in a healthier, balanced way — neither obsessing about food nor feeling out of control. Below are some steps to take.

• Take Finding Balance's Self-Test(s) to get a better sense of your eating issue(s).
• Find someone to talk to who can offer objective and balanced advice, addressing the physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual aspects of your issues. For tips on who to talk to, read the “Finding Treatment” article. “Finding A Nutritionist” may also be helpful to you.
• Explore their “Eat Well, Live Well” section, which offers tips and nutrition information to help you find your way back to a healthy balance with regard to eating and weight control.
• Check out Finding Balance's “Books” and “Videos” sections to find resources that apply directly to your unique struggle.
• Seek community and support.
• Consider taking Finding Balance's Lasting Freedom self-study courses (not a replacement for one-on-one care with a professional).

The Bottom Line:

Struggling with disordered eating, no matter how extreme, steals from your life. It promises happiness, control, acceptance, affirmation, and security, but these promises are false. Only by breaking free of your eating issue will you experience the life you crave. Take a step towards freedom now.

“Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Heb. 4:16 (ESV)

This blog was originally published here. It is being republished with permission from our friends at Finding Balance.

Want to know more about eating disorders? Download TheHopeLine's free eBook today. 

Trying to understand the opposite sex can be a frustrating experience. There is an undeniable desire for a strong connection between a guy and a girl. Yet oftentimes it seems like there is a huge gap between the two of them.

This gap has caused confusion, awkwardness, frustration, hurt feelings and many a sleepless night. I have been asked hundreds of questions about dating over the years. Here are four questions that both guys and girls alike seem to struggle with ranging from jealousy to long-distance relationships to keeping relationships alive.

Why do People Get Jealous?

Jealousy is the kind of emotional disease that strikes both sexes.

Stephen asked: “Why does my girlfriend get so jealous when I talk to other girls?”

Kayla asked: “Why does my boyfriend get jealous when I’m just talking to other guys?

The root of most jealousy is insecurity.  Most often people get jealous because they lack the confidence to believe that they are good enough for their partner. So they are continually suspicious and tend to overreact to the slightest things.

So, What Can you do?

Do your part to not give them reasons to feel jealous. While it is not wrong to talk to friends of the opposite sex when you are dating, if it causes your boyfriend or girlfriend to be jealous, it might be good to examine how you talk to them. If someone is flirting with you, you can still be polite, but you don’t have to flirt back. You shouldn’t make special efforts to impress other people of the opposite sex while you are dating.

If your boyfriend or girlfriend does react jealously to something you do, address it soon after it happens. It’s always good to seek clarity when something comes up that’s a threat to your relationship. Assure them that they are the only person you are interested in and encourage them by telling them why you have chosen them. Then demonstrate your commitment in how you treat them.

This will help build their trust and self-esteem.

As they grow to understand how much they mean to you, they will naturally begin to trust you.

How Can I Keep Our Relationship Alive?

The beginning of a new relationship can be so exciting.  You get butterflies. You are learning new things about each other every time you are together. You can’t stop thinking about them.  But the reality is the butterflies won’t last forever.
Paul asked: “Do girls get bored in a relationship? My girlfriend used to be all flirty and into me, but now that we’ve been going out for a while, that’s all stopped. Is that normal?”

The situation you are in, Paul, could be a result of a couple of issues. First, it is normal for flirting to die down gradually after being in a relationship for a while. Flirting is usually a tool to get into a relationship, rather than to maintain it. Most relationships grow past that stage as the two people get to know each other better.

Perhaps you have never been in a relationship that has moved past this flirty stage. Don’t assume she’s not interested in you. Perhaps she is just more comfortable now.

However, perhaps you are right and she is getting bored. So have a talk with your girlfriend. Ask her what she’s really feeling. Have you let the relationship become predictable and boring?

Don’t Get Stuck in a Rut

It takes some work to keep a relationship fresh and interesting. This is true whether you are married or just dating. It’s so easy to get stuck doing the same things over and over. Most people spend most of their free time on the couch in front of the television and call it a life. They lose sight of the fact there are so many different and exciting options of how to spend their time.

This is why people are sometimes drawn to other people outside of their dating relationship. New people are more interesting. Once you get to know someone and all their faults, the excitement can fade and the relationship can get stuck in a rut!  Then sometimes the desire for something or someone more interesting, kicks in.

Ideas to Keep Your Relationship Interesting

But you don’t have to get stuck in a rut! There are so many things you can do together to breathe new life into what might currently feel boring.

You might want to surprise your girlfriend by going with her to new places, experiencing new things, and talking about interesting topics. Spend time with other people, and find out what they enjoy doing. Take up a hobby or volunteer together. Just remember, any successful relationship takes effort from both people.

Can a Long-Distance Relationship Work Out?

There is no black and white answer to this question, but I do have some tips.

Ben asked: I have a girlfriend who lives about 120 miles from me. Will this work out? We already say that we love each other. I’d love to know what you think.

To begin with, Ben, there are a lot of people who tell each other they love each other, and then break up the next week. So just because you say you love each other, doesn’t determine whether or not you will be successful in a long-distance relationship.
There have been many long-distance relationships that have been very successful. But there have been many, many more that haven’t lasted. There is no question it will be difficult for both of you.

Challenges of Long-Distance Relationships

I’d be curious if your separation is temporary or long-term. If it’s temporary, you’ll need to be committed to keeping in contact with each other. Long-term separation is much harder because many of the best parts of a relationship come out of time when you’re able to be together.

On the flip side, being apart makes it possible to hide some of the weaknesses each of you would bring into a face-to-face, everyday relationship. It is much easier to only show your good side to the other person across the miles and that’s not realistic.
Long-distance relationships can also be driven by fantasies about how great the relationship would be if you could just be together, but you need to actually be together to know if you could really work long-term.

Find Time to Be Together

You will need to see each other in person from time to time in order to help keep the relationship moving forward. If you can, make plans to see each as often as possible. But more than anything, communicate the expectations you have for the relationship with each other so you’re both on the same page.

Is it True Love When It Hurts?

Ashlee asks a good question, but the answer requires us to look at WHY it hurts.

Ashlee asked: Is it truly love when you will do anything for the person you care about even when it hurts you in the process?

There are two ways to answer this question depending on how the person you love, loves you in return.

First, if you are in a relationship that is mutually caring, supportive and you both work to put the others needs before your own, then real love would be willing to make sacrifices for the other. God showed us the ultimate example of this kind of love. In the Bible Jesus says, “Love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:12-13

However, if the one you think you love is demanding things that hurt you or violate your own value system, the answer is no, love should not hurt you. Love gives, it does not take. Love heals, it does not hurt. Love builds up the other person, does not tear them down.

Why do I put up with it?

If you are in this type of relationships, you’re probably wondering why it is that you’re doing what you’re doing…why are you putting up with hurtful behavior from your boyfriend, and still calling it love?

Unfortunately, many stuck in selfish and destructive relationships have never had real love shown to them. Many of us are so hungry for attention or what we feel is love, we are willing to do anything, or put up with anything in order to get what we think is love.

There are times when the person who is demanding we violate our own value system simply to please themselves, will show signs of changing, or even glimpses they really care about the other person. This is what makes it so confusing. The person being hurt thinks if they just love their partner more…then they will stop the hurting. Unfortunately, this rarely happens. Besides, this isn’t love, no matter how much you feel it is.

If you find yourself doing things with your bf/gf that violate your own value system, get out of the relationship. You need to protect yourself.  Talk to someone you can trust about what’s happening in the relationship and let them help you get free. You can read more about what is an abusive dating relationship here.

My Story With Anxiety

I Felt Alone

I've been using this website for almost a year now, and honestly it's like the little therapy I need.

No prescriptions, no one is writing down anything or judging me on what I say, I just get to speak. Living with an anxiety disorder (and one as complex as mine) you just have to learn to keep your mouth shut and keep everything bottled up inside because the second you let it out you're labeled as "crazy" or "out of control," it was to the point that if I cried, people worried about me.

I felt alone, pushed into a corner and hid by my family. Many things caused my anxiety disorder, and a lot of it has to do with a chemical imbalance that I just can't simply help. I can take medicine, but it's not guaranteed to work. All of the HopeCoaches I've come across on the website have seemed to be Christians, and at the time I was an atheist. I didn't believe in God and I didn't want to.

I Wasn't Labeled Broken

Then I met Megan (the HopeCoach who saved my life) who asked if she could pray with me. Of course, I said yes, and while she was typing I had decided I would just look away and respond thanks. But instead of being my normal stubborn self, I took the time to read what she had written. Nothing in that prayer said "God fix her" "God she is broken."  Megan never once labeled me anything less than God's daughter and her sister. And I have felt an overwhelming joy in my heart ever since that day.

No Longer Hiding My Anxiety

I am now an active member in my church, my anxiety is still present, but I no longer feel the need to hide it. I have more support than I could have ever dreamed of having and it is all thanks to Megan. So Megan, if you read this, you know what you and I talked about, what I confessed to you, and you know that special prayer you wrote just for me. I love you with all of my heart, and I don't even know you. I owe you my life.
-Shelby

For information on how to understand the causes of anxiety and social anxiety disorders and how to deal with them, download TheHopeLine’s free eBook.

Am I Dating a Narcissist?

Understanding the Signs of Narcissism and How They Affect You

We all struggle with being selfish from time to time, and we all want attention, affection, and praise. But someone who is narcissistic takes these traits to an unhealthy level. Narcissism is a difficult mental illness to diagnose and treat, because the narcissist themselves may not believe anything is wrong with how they are thinking and acting. 

Having a relationship with a narcissist is not impossible, but because it is so difficult, you will likely feel healthier distancing yourself from narcissistic people. Knowing the signs of narcissism and understanding its impact in relationships might keep you from getting trapped in a toxic relationship. 

If you are trying to understand whether or not you love a narcissist, pay attention to how the relationship makes you feel, and to their patterns of behavior. Here are some things to look for if you are wondering whether the person you love is a narcissist.

They Demand Praise

Desiring praise from people we care about is normal and talking about that need is a good thing to do. But when you're loving a narcissist, this gets twisted. You might notice that:

• They demand praise for everything, no matter how small.
• You feel like you can never disagree with or criticize them.
• When they don't believe they've received enough praise, they lash out.
• Their need for praise and attention seems constant.
• Compared to how often you praise them or give them attention, they rarely do the same for you.

This imbalance is a tough thing to live with. Since it feels like most narcissists always take and rarely give, many people don't stay in narcissistic relationships long-term.

They Drain You

As I've talked to people that come to TheHopeLine, I've noticed that people in relationships with narcissists often feel drained and exhausted. That's common in many unhealthy relationships, but it's particularly strong when you love a narcissist.  If you are the one who is always told you have to give, always told you have to change, and always told you have to work harder, of course the relationship will be off-balance and exhausting. 

You probably even start to dread getting their calls or spending time with them, because you have the sense that you never know what time, energy, or resources you'll have to give up next. On top of that, since they usually don't recognize when they're in the wrong, it may feel like there is no relief in sight. You can make choices to take care of yourself, and to make sure your needs get met. But those choices will likely include distancing yourself from the narcissistic person.

They Blame Everyone Else

Narcissists either cannot see, or refuse to see, their role in a relationship problem, fight, argument, or tough life situation. The narcissist you love will do things like:

• Blame their outbursts on a bad childhood, or someone else's failure in a previous relationship.
• Focus on your shortcomings, almost exclusively.
• Claim that no one understands them.
• Feel that everyone is out to get them.
• Make you feel forced to do the majority (or all) of the changing and "making up" after an argument or fight.

I want to remind you that relationships have two people in them. That means that, no matter what a narcissistic person says, they are not without blame. In fact, they are probably starting the majority of the conflicts you have due to their aggressive behavior. 
You are only able to fix things you want to change about yourself. You cannot force a narcissistic person to take responsibility for their actions, or force the relationship to work. They have to be willing to put in the effort, too. 

They Have Addictions

Narcissists very often live with addiction and substance abuse. They may be trying to hide or numb the pain of abuse they experienced. Or they may be chasing the pleasurable "highs" of addiction, which may make them feel "on top of the world", invincible, or in greater control of their lives and the relationships in them. Addiction adds another layer of struggle and frustration if you love a narcissist because:

• They become more aggressive and more difficult to deal with when they are using. 
• They blow up when you try to ask them to get help and blame you for "hurting them" with that request.
• They do not believe the addiction is something they can change or control. 
• They use the difficulty of the addiction, and the circumstances they blame for it, to get you to pity them.
• When they are demanding your pity, they will also continue to demand praise, attention, and affection.

It is hard to witness someone you care about enmeshed in an addiction. If they are seeking treatment, there are ways to support them without enabling their addictive behavior. But if they are not seeking treatment, don’t want treatment, or flatly refuse they have a problem, there is not much you can do to heal your relationship until they change their mind. 

Their Affection Is Rare and Intense

The reason you are still in a relationship with a narcissistic person, even after all the painful ups and downs they put you through, is probably because of their rare, intense bursts of affection for you. 

They might call you, their soulmate. They might say that they've never met anyone like you or tell you that it's the two of you against the world. While it is not impossible for a narcissist to be kind, I've learned from my years of counseling people that this kindness is often used as a tool to isolate and control. Does the person you're in a relationship with:

• Say these intensely affectionate things to you after you've hinted about leaving the relationship?
• Try to prevent you from being with friends and family because "they don't understand me or our relationship"?
• Lavish attention and affection after a fight or argument, but still refuse to apologize or admit wrongdoing?

If so, they are using this rare affection to try to maintain control in your relationship. It's really difficult to realize this is the case, and my heart goes out to you. But I also believe that people are worthy of mutually loving and caring relationships that don't feel forced, don't feel like an uphill battle, aren't manipulative and controlling, and aren't one-sided. 

In fact, I believe God loves you unconditionally, and that He created you for a full life with meaningful relationships. I believe He will never abandon you. You can take the pain of your relationships to him in prayer, and He will comfort you. He has also given you other relationships and friendships that will not cause you so much pain, frustration, and suffering.

It will be difficult to end your relationship with a narcissist, or to put a lot more distance there (if it's a friendship or parent relationship that you want to try keeping in your life). But there are plenty of other people who want healthy friendships and relationships, and who will put in the time and effort to make things work.

You Feel Stuck in a Cycle

If you take a step back from your relationship with a narcissistic person, you will notice that what seems like a lot of ups and downs, or a lot of "hot and cold" behavior is actually a cycle of abuse. The reason a narcissistic person will "love bomb" you is that they're attempting to keep you in the relationship, so they will still have somewhere to put blame, and someone from whom they can demand praise. 

And unless they are willing to see their wrongdoing and actively seek help, including being willing to separate themselves from you in order for you to heal, or for them to get the help they need, this dynamic will not change. But there is hope for you to break free. TheHopeLine has partnered with many abuse recovery organizations that have experience helping people heal after narcissistic abuse. And our HopeCoaches are trained to listen and help you find a path forward. 

Talk to a HopeCoach today about finding safety and freedom from the narcissist in your life. We are here to help, and we believe you can do what you need to do to care for yourself.

If you were raised by a narcissist, you're not damaged goods. Healing after narcissistic abuse from the person who raised you is possible. Find out how here.