Identifying and Combating Gaslighting

What is gaslighting? Gaslighting is when your emotions, words, and experiences are twisted and used against you, causing you to question your reality. This can be a very effective form of emotional abuse, because once an abusive partner has broken down your ability to trust your own perspective, you may be more vulnerable to the effects of abuse, making it more difficult to leave the abusive relationship.

Gaslighting Techniques

We’ve talked about the types of gaslighting techniques, and the signs to look out for, but what does it look like in a real situation? How can one stay safe in this situation or work to prove that what happened, happened?

Here is an example of a survivor’s story, who shared what it was like to experience the abuse of gaslighting. This story is especially powerful because it blends emotional, digital, sexual, financial, and physical abuse:

“I don’t know what’s real anymore. I saw him hit me, and I try to talk to him about it, but he tells me that it never happened. The bruise I got I thought came from him, but he told me I fell down. But how did I fall down? I thought I saw exactly what happened. I ask him about it again, but he says, ‘You fell down, I saw you fall down. I would never hit you that hard. You’re crazy, it’s all in your head.’ I started doubting my sanity. I really thought I saw him raise his fist…”*

*While this story uses, he/his/him pronouns, anyone is capable of abuse, and anyone can be the victim of it

Gaslighting can Happen Gradually

It’s important to note that gaslighting may not happen right away. It can happen very gradually in a relationship. After experiencing these abusive patterns, you can find yourself feeling more confused, anxious, isolated, and could lose all sense of what is actually happening.

Once you’ve recognized the gaslighting, what can you do?

Ways to Combat Gaslighting

1. Keep Proof

Since gaslighting can make it difficult to feel like you truly remember what happened, it can be helpful to keep proof of the incident(s) so you can rely more on the evidence. Here are some examples of what proof you can document:

• Keep a journal — Every time you encounter something, write it down in a secret journal your partner doesn’t know about. Write down the date, time, and what happened.
• Speak to a trusted friend or family member — If you have a trusted friend or family member, telling them what happened or talking out what happened can help you clear your head, and someone else will know what is going on.
• Keep voice memos — If the abusive partner doesn’t have access to your phone, escape to a room by yourself and record yourself speaking with your phone on what just happened. If your phone isn’t a secret, tape recorders will still record sounds, and you can hide those tapes away.
• Take pictures — If the abuser doesn’t have access to your phone, take pictures of what happened to you, your child, your pet, or your stuff. The pictures will have a date and time on them in your photo gallery. If your phone isn’t a secret, you can buy a cheap disposable camera at discount stores, and hide the film from your partner.
• Email — Send your experience, voice memos, pictures, or videos to a trusted friend or family member for safekeeping.

Why do you need this proof? First and foremost, evidence of what occurred can help with your mental health. Recovering from gaslighting that you experienced, for weeks, months, even years, can be difficult to do; seeing proof that it happened, validates your experience, challenges the effects of your partner’s abuse, and can help you determine reality. Proof can also be useful when taking legal action* against the abuser.

*Make sure to check your state’s recording laws before you present the proof in court

No matter the form of documentation, always keep your proof safe and secure by hiding it or sending it to someone you trust. If you are afraid that the proof may be found by your partner in your hiding spot or on your phone, send it to a safe location or a friend and destroy/delete the copies you have. If you have questions, please reach out to an Advocate about ways to document proof while staying safe.

2. Safety Planning

While documenting your proof, safety planning is also a great way to recognize and heal from gaslighting.

A safety plan is a personalized plan that includes ways to remain safe while in a relationship, planning to leave, or after you leave. It involves how to cope with emotions, tell friends and family about the abuse, take legal action, and more.

The more isolated you are from friends and family; the more effective gaslighting can feel. When you are completely isolated from anyone else, you may find yourself relying on your abusive partner to define reality, which creates a very difficult situation to escape.

3. Speak with a Trusted Friend

One way to safety plan against isolation is speaking with a trusted friend or family member. We know that this can be very difficult to do while in an abusive relationship. One thing you could consider is prefacing your conversation with something like, “I don’t have a lot of options right now, and I feel like my partner may be gaslighting me and I want to be able to talk to someone and process what is actually happening,” or “I know that this isn’t a situation I want to stay in nor is safe for me, but for right now one of the things I know my partner is doing is gaslighting me.” Talk about what happened actually happened to get your experience validated. For people who care about you, it can be difficult to learn what is happening.

If you are planning to leave your relationship, make a plan for how and where you will escape quickly. If you do have to leave in a hurry, make sure you take your documented proof of gaslighting with you, and this list of important items.

Another way to safety plan after leaving a relationship is to reach out to a local domestic violence program or join a support group. There, you can talk to each other and share experiences with others who were in a similar situation. Gaslighting is a way that abusive partners minimize and/or dismiss what they did, so talking it out with others will validate your experience and recognize that what the abuser did is not ok, and it is emotionally abusive.

4. Self-care is Important

Combating gaslighting also involves self-care. Whether you’re still in the abusive relationship or after you’ve left, healing your mind is an important step. To put it simply, self-care is really about taking care of yourself in ways that feel best to you and bring you comfort.

Self-care may mean taking a moment to think and process what happened to you, which can look like working hard to not accept responsibility for their behaviors. You can practice recognizing when your partner is trying to manipulate the situation, by blame-shifting and putting the problem on you. Abusive partners shape the narrative the way they want it. They want you to think you caused it, but you didn’t (“If you hadn’t done this, I wouldn’t have done that.”).

5. Know Your Truth

You don’t have to argue about the truth with your partner, you’ll waste energy trying to convince them. Know your truth — there’s no use in trying to convince them. They are denying your reality for a reason and can end up arguing with someone who is refusing to accept responsibility for their behaviors.

Practice trusting your instincts. Give yourself permission to trust your feelings, your thoughts, decisions, and intuition; know that what you felt was true, and you do not need to convince anybody of it. Listen to what your gut is telling you. It can take some concerted effort to remember how to trust your gut after experiencing gaslighting for a while. Have patience with your own process.

6. Seek Therapy

You could also try to seek therapy, preferably someone with a domestic violence background. Gaslighting can lead to paranoid thoughts and affect your mental health long-term, so seek support if you recognize that gaslighting has been happening.
In order to overcome this type of abuse, it is important to recognize the signs, and trust yourself again. If this situation sounds familiar to you, or you are questioning what’s happening in your relationship, reach out to an advocate at The National Domestic Violence Hotline for 24/7 support. Their advocates are ready to support and listen to you.
Remember— you are not alone!

This article was originally published here.

From TheHopeLine...

Want to learn more about physical abuse? Visit our Physical Abuse Topic Page for blogs, podcasts, ebooks, and other resources for answers to your questions about abuse:

• Is He Abusive or Just Angry?
• Is It Safe to Confront Someone About Their Abusive Behavior?
• How Do I Make New Friends After An Abusive Relationship?

Finding Freedom From Labels

Middle school. Seventh grade. That was the year I began living by the name that stripped me of my self-worth.
“Stupid.”

The first time I heard that name, it was from a couple of my neighborhood friends. I loved to make them laugh. And they laughed at stupid things. So, I did stupid things.

But then, all of a sudden, I did one too many stupid things—and something shifted.

I felt it. And I couldn’t do anything about it. I knew they had already made the decision that I was the “stupid friend,” and no amount of backpedaling would convince them otherwise. Each day—on the bus, or rollerblading around the neighborhood, or playing video games at one of our houses—I felt that identity being pushed into me.

“Hah! You idiot.”
“You’re doing it wrong, dummy.”
“Tim barely has enough common sense to get around!”

Names have power. When someone forces a name on you every day, you start wondering whether they’re right.

Stupid followed me long past middle school, even though my childhood friends and I completely lost touch with each other.

As I look at my life, I can see that I’ve been working ever since to prove to myself that I’m not.

At 32 years old, I still catch myself correcting people. Yes, I’m fully aware that one of the most infuriating things a human can do to another human is to correct their grammar. But I’ve noticed that deep down, it’s how I subconsciously try to convince myself that I’m smart enough. Because if I’m not smart, I’m not useful.

Deep inside, I long to be useful. I long to find something amazing and valuable inside me that’s able to make an impact on the world. So, when someone makes me remember that old name, Stupid, I react like a cat backed into a corner. I fight for survival.

I think most of us have a name—or a series of names—that make us do that. False identities the world has given us. We’ll do anything to prove those names wrong, but we’re worried they’re right.

I once did an exercise with my friends in college where we wrote the name, we hear most often about ourselves on a “Hello, My Name is…” sticker and stuck it to our shirts. Then, we wrote the name we believed God was calling us on another sticker and stuck it over the first one.

I couldn’t believe some of the names my friends lived by: Insufficient. Ugly. Worthless. Screw-up. And even more shocking was this:

Every name tag said essentially the same thing: “Not Enough.”

We all have wildly different names, but I believe most of us are hearing the same core message about ourselves.

We each were originally designed to be something beautiful, before the world got its grubby hands on us. But that version of us is hiding under layers upon layers of masks that we’ve created to hide our real selves.

For the last few years, God has been directing me back to Genesis 1:27—the very beginning of the Bible—to remind me how I was originally designed. “So, God created man in His own image; in the image of God, He created him; male and female He created them.”

There’s something incredibly important in that verse. Do you see it?

We are created in His image. Here’s what that means:

We are the only thing on earth God created and said, “I am going to put myself into these people.” We have divine genes. We each are so different...but we all share one thing: When God created us, He made us each look like Him.

That has so much more meaning than we give it credit for.

Whether you’re an introvert or extrovert, an INFP or an Enneagram 1, you show the rest of us a part of God in a unique and amazing way.  And that’s why the rest of us need you to become your most authentic self, so that we can be blessed by the God-given gifts inside you as you learn to harness them more and more.

I used to be skeptical of the verse in Psalm 139 that says, “I praise you because I was fearfully and wonderfully made.” But with that context, I think I finally get it.

Now, when I hear the accusatory voice start pushing my false identity on me, I hear another voice. It’s the voice of God, telling me something I finally believe: “You ARE enough, because you are mine.”

I’ve been working on those lies for years now, and God is starting to free me from my false name. I’m finally starting to believe Him when He says I have immense value—apart from how smart I appear to others on a given day.

But I’m also realizing something else: My false name is strategic.

God has called me to teach, and the name “Stupid” was an extremely effective way to undermine part of my original design from the beginning. If I was made for teaching, wisdom, and leadership, that name is the perfect way to paralyze me.

When I look back on my life, I see a hundred ways the name “Stupid” kept me from using my gifts.

Can you see how the enemy might be doing this in your life?

What might he be trying to hide from you, about who you really are?

See, the enemy knows that if you were to step into who you truly are in Jesus, you would become dangerous to him. So, he is doing everything in his power to keep you from understanding your true identity.

Once I realized that about myself, everything started changing. My inner accuser stopped sounding so loud and convincing.

Because I finally had another voice drowning it out. It was a voice telling me who I truly was.

Today, even during moments when I feel stupid, I’m now able to see that I reflect a part of God that no one else on this earth reflects. And He uses that truth to chase away the false identity and restore my true identity. Every day, He is bringing out more of the unique image of Himself that He’s placed in me.

I believe that’s his plan for you, too.

Personality frameworks like the Enneagram have given me a ton of clues about what that image actually looks like. But the most powerful thing I’ve done to discover more about it has simply been listening to God in my time with Him.

What might God be telling you about your identity? And how might he want to speak into the false names you live by?
I can tell you one thing: He has a lot to say about it.

Tim Branch is a blogger, former ministry leader, and the author of The Enneagram Growth Guide: How to Become Healthier in Your Number—which you can download for free right here. His writing is focused on helping you grow into who you were originally intended to be.

Do you hate yourself? There are many things in this world that attack our self-esteem and sense of worth. Find out what they are here. 

Starting Your Faith with the Spiritual Basics

 If somewhere, somehow, you stumbled upon receiving Jesus Christ into your life and you are now wondering what's next, this blog is for you.

You asked Jesus into your life. What's Next?

Perhaps you visited with a HopeCoach via Live Chat and they cared about you and didn't judge you, and they told you about Jesus. Perhaps it was something you read on this site or elsewhere.  Maybe a friend told you about their faith, or you remembered what your grandma used to say, or you heard something on Instagram. Who knows how God got your attention...but He got it!

No matter how it happened...you took the next step and asked Jesus Christ into your life!  Now you are wondering, "What does this all mean? What is the next step? Do I have to go to church?"  It's going to be o.k., settle down, you are about to start the most exciting and life-changing experience of your life.

Life-Changing Experience

I've been there.  If your experience was like mine, you know that something has happened inside of you because your desires have changed, you feel free of your burdens, and for the first time you feel unconditional love. This was my experience.  From the bottom of my feet to the top of my head, I felt the heaviness leave me and it was replaced by a deep peace. Since I did not have a church background, I did not know what had happened or what I was to do. Fortunately, the church I found had a singles group that offered alternative activities, a social life and Bible studies. I was able to replace my bar running to a new safe clean home called the church. However, it takes time. Be patient with yourself while finding your new life.

The first few months of your new life are critical to your future with Christ. The things you do, the things you say and the people that you connect with for support will be the foundation for your new life in Christ. The following are resources and guidance that will help until you find a church, Bible study or fellow Christians to support you.

Three Tips to Help Build Your Relationship with Christ

LifeStyle:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things have passed away; behold all things have become new. (Corinthians 5:17)

The best place to start is finding a church home so you are can meet people who can encourage you in your new life. However, not knowing your circumstances, this may be hard initially, especially if you have never attended church or had a negative experience in the past. But there is a church that God has picked for you that will be safe and life-giving. Here is an online directory of local churches you could start with Church Finder

Perhaps you are also thinking, "Oh no! I will have to get rid of my friends and change my lifestyle." Whoa! Who said that? Ask God what He wants you to change.  Then ask for His help to change and replace things that you do not want in your life any longer. You cannot take something away without replacing it with something better.

For more tips on finding a church read: Finding a Church

The Bible:

If you abide in Me, and My words (Bible) abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. (John 15:17)

My suggestion immediately after praying to receive Christ is to get a Bible. (You can get an online Bible here: The Bible)  Reading the Bible will give you an immediate connection with Christ. It will help explain who He is and how He is important in your life. I suggest start reading the book of John because it will explain the life and ministry of your new best friend.

Try not to be intimated by the Bible.   It will look like one book but actually has 66 different books inside. There is a table of contents in the front just like any other book, so you can find the book you are looking for and the page number. There is also an index in the back to help you find a subject you want to read about.

When I first read the Bible, I could not get enough of reading it.  I did not understand everything it was saying. However, I read it anyway because I felt closer to God. So now you have one hand on God and one hand on the Bible. This is a good start for your journey.

For more tips on reading the Bible read: Reading the Bible

Another good place to start are these Bible Verses: Hope from God

Prayer:

Pray without ceasing. (1 Thessalonians 5:17)

The next step is prayer.  This is communicating with God as if He is sitting next to you. Do not be concerned about whether your head is bowed or you are on your knees. If you can do that, great. It shows reverence. However, God is looking at your heart to see if it is humble before Him.

Acknowledge that you need His help. Ask Him what church to attend or to send you strong active Christian friends that can help you grow in your relationship with Him. Ask Him for insight and understanding as you read the Bible. Pray for others in your life that need help.

Then also listen to God without distraction. Part of prayer is listening. Perhaps you will hear a still small voice that talks to you. Perhaps He will speak to you through what you read in the Bible or through other people.  Pay attention to the messages you are receiving. Just note that anything God says will not contradict the Bible. No robbing banks because God said so.

For more tips on prayer read: How to Pray

Prayer for Your Future

I pray blessing, strength, and guidance upon those that are reading this blog that have asked Jesus into their life.  Your journey never ends until you see Him face to face. He will never leave, hurt or abandoned you.

Plan of Salvation

For those of you that have not yet asked Jesus Christ into your heart, please read the following scriptures for understanding.

We are all sinners

Romans 3:10 "as it is written: There is none righteous. Not even one;" (This means that there is no one who does right all of the time, or who is totally pure in heart and life.)

Romans 3:23 "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,"
(No matter how good we live, there is still sin in our lives. And, because of sin, we all fall short of what God wants us to be.)

We all deserve death

Romans 6:23a "for the wages of sin is death,"
("Wages" is payment or a paycheck. because we are sinners, if we die in our sins, the paycheck we will receive will be "death," eternal separation from God.)

God gives the free gift of salvation

Romans 5:8 "But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."
(Do you want to know how much God loves you? Look at the cross. Christ was punished by death for your sins.)

Romans 6:23b ..." but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."
(Do you want forgiveness of your sins? Do you want to be saved? You can have it as a free gift from God. How? Read on.)

We just need to believe

Romans 10:9-10 "that if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved; for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation."

("Confess" means to tell God what you believe about Jesus Christ. He wants to know that you believe Jesus is Lord and Savior, and that you believe His death on the cross was in payment for your sins. Next...God wants to know that you believe that Jesus is alive today. Then...That's God's promise: If you acknowledge your belief in Jesus' death, burial, and resurrection - that He did this for you - God will give you eternal life. How do you acknowledge this? Read one more verse.)

Romans 10:13 for "Whoever will call on the name of the Lord will be saved
("Call" means to pray. When you pray, you "confess" and "believe" - verse 9. Then God will save you. It's as simple as that. He's just waiting on you to call. Will you do it now?)

Prayer of Salvation

If you understand the good news of salvation through Jesus’ death on the cross and resurrection from the dead and are ready to ask him to be Lord of your life, here is your next step.

Pray

Ask God to forgive your sins, confess that you believe in Him and in the sacrifice of His Son Jesus and that you want to live your life for Him.

If it helps, here is an example of what you could pray:

Dear Heavenly Father,

I’m sorry for the wrong things I’ve done. Please forgive me. I believe your Son died on the cross for my sins and rose from the dead, and because of this I will enter into heaven when I die. Jesus, come into my heart and be my Lord and Savior. I willingly give you my life. Now, Father, help me do your will. Thank you again for saving me! In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

If you are a new believer, you likely have a million more questions and want to learn as much as you can.  Here are two more resources for you. New Believer Page - full of blogs, podcasts, eBooks, video resources and more. Learn More About God - more in-depth information about our Hope in Christ.

Symptoms and Tips to Overcome Depression

Depression can be described as a prolonged, unexplained sadness that impacts your everyday life. Individuals who are depressed often feel trapped beneath feelings of overwhelming hopelessness for an extended period of time. No matter how impossible it may seem to overcome, there is hope for those who suffer from depression.

Symptoms Of Depression:

• Feeling irritable, sad or angry a lot.
• Activities that used to be fun aren’t anymore.
• Low self-esteem or feeling bad about yourself— worthless, guilty or “wrong” in some way.
• Frequent, unexplained headaches or other physical problems.
• Crying a lot over almost anything.
• Gaining or losing weight without trying to.
• Unable to concentrate and grades are getting worse.
• Feeling helpless or hopeless.
• Thoughts of death or suicide, thinking thoughts like “More people will love me if I’m dead” or “Everyone is better off with me out of the picture”.

Tips To Cope with Depression:

• Stay connected to friends and family—hang out with friends and family, do activities together that you enjoy.
• Try to not isolate yourself from others.
• Confide in a trusted parent, adult or friend that you are depressed so they can encourage you and keep you accountable.
• Keep your body healthy-go outside for a walk, exercise, stay away from junk food.
• Ask for help if you are struggling or stressed—often sharing a situation or problem can help alleviate the burden
• Start a journal—write three things you are thankful for each day; if you are artistic, draw or find a creative outlet.
• Remember that depression often lifts gradually, you don’t just “snap out of it”.

Signs Your Friend or Loved One Is Depressed:

• Your friend doesn’t want to do things you both love to do
• Your friend starts using drugs and/or alcohol
• Your friend stops going to work, classes or activities
• Your friend talks about being bad, ugly, stupid or worthless
• Your friend stays alone a lot of the time
• Your friend talks about death or suicide

Chatting with your HopeCoaches seriously brought me through some of the darkest seasons in my life. Don't lose hope in tough times.

Don't lose hope in the tough times. Reach out to talk to someone who will listen.

I have used TheHopeLine several times, including for struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts. It was a really powerful tool that actually helped me vent out stuff that had piled up for years, and now, I am no longer experiencing the same emotional turmoil I once did. Thank you for providing free chat lines.

I wanted to send you this essay, which I wrote below. So many times, I've wanted to encourage others but haven't been able to because I myself needed encouragement and would've sounded like a hypocrite. Now, however, I am at a place where I feel I can genuinely encourage others because I have personally experienced encouragement, and hope has been reawakened within me.

I wrote this essay to encourage others to don't lose hope and just to have them feel that their trials and issues are acknowledged. I don't know. It might not do anyone any good. But I decided to write it because it is what I truly believe, and it comes from my heart.
-Jennifer

Don't Lose Hope

I just want to take the time right now to write this short essay and encourage those who feel low. Low in joy, low as in wondering how to not hate yourself after a mistake, low as in rock bottom. I've been where you are, and rock bottom really sucks.

We all go through seasons in our life, seasons of joy and seasons of sadness and trials. It is in those seasons that we learn a lot about ourselves that we never perhaps even knew before. Sure, those seasons suck, but those that make it out of their hardships come out stronger, and I believe they have a more firmly rooted identity. And no one can tell you who you are or what you went through because, guess what, you were the one that walked through the fire, not them. And you know it.

Just Surviving

But it can get pretty annoying sometimes hearing the phrase You'll come out stronger when all you're focusing on is just getting through each day without falling apart and letting everything go to pots. Sure, you may come out stronger, but you're not at that place yet, and, frankly, you're just learning how to survive.

I think when people go through extremely rough times in life, what they need is not someone who will explain their situation for them and tell them how to solve it. After all, if you who are in it don't know how to solve your problems, how much less will they?

No, what people need in rough times is someone who will stand by them and listen to them. And that could be all they do. Just listen. But listening is, I think, one of the most powerful ways to make someone feel better, even if their circumstances don't immediately change.

Listening is Important

Why? Why is listening to someone vent so powerful? It is because you are showing that you care about how they feel and what is going on in their life. Listening is, in fact, one way to show love. It is acknowledging the fact that your friends' problems and concerns are real. We need someone who will listen to us. And just that. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Well, I know by reading this small essay, you are not being listened to. In fact, you are listening to what I am saying to you through this essay. But I wrote it not because I want to tell you everything is going to be alright nor to tell you how to fix your messy life. You see, there is another powerful tool besides listening, and that is feeling understood.

Being Understood

Being understood means having your feelings, thoughts, and emotions acknowledged out loud and not crushed or denied by those you confide in. It feels like walking down a busy grocery aisle when someone suddenly singles you out from all the people and says, Hey! I know you! It means having someone else say out loud and acknowledge what you have been dealing with internally.

And that is super healthy because sometimes, in all the mess, you can feel like no one understands or maybe even that what you're feeling is not real. But it is, and you need someone who will acknowledge that out loud and stand by you.

To whoever is reading this, perhaps you stumbled upon it because the Lord is right now acknowledging that He sees your pain, and He is not ignoring you. Sometimes, we just don't have the energy to look up to the Lord because we're so weary with our issues. And our issues may even create mistrust and stop up our relationship with the Lord. There’s so much pain inside that it’s so hard to focus our attention on the Lord. Even if you are struggling with something as scary as suicide, prayer can help. Turning to God helps because in our weakness, He is strong. When you don't have the strength to press on, He will be your strength. Don't lose hope.

There is More

It is so important to have people listen to you and acknowledge your pain and troubles. But I've found, that is not enough. Because at the end of the day, we were created to have a whole relationship with the One who created us. Honestly, I could sympathize with you and listen to you and show you I understand, but if you don't have Him to fill you up inside, you will always feel empty and be dependent on others to make you feel happy or whole. No one can do for you in a lifetime what Jesus can do for you in one second.

End of Your Rope

I can recall so many times when I felt like I was at the end of the rope, and I just cried out Jesus' name and a moment later, I felt His love and Spirit cover me. It was so incredible because I was just calling out in desperation. I didn't think anything would actually happen. But then, I was hit with His overpowering love. And sometimes, it would just happen without me even saying anything. It is an incredible experience that cannot be explained with words, and what is so amazing about every single one of the times is that I wasn't even expecting that to happen. He didn't do that because I performed some works or prayed super long. On the contrary, He did it just because He wanted to. That was it.

His Power and Love

I know Jesus wants you to experience Him in such a powerful way. And I also know there's no formula for experiencing His power and love. In fact, sometimes, you may go through an extremely long dry season, where Jesus feels a million light-years away. But I've found that even in those dry seasons, what gets you through is keeping your heart soft even when you want to harden it and just grow bitter.

Are You Going Through a Tough Time? 

Whether you are a believer or not, you may be going through a tough time right now. I don't have the solution for you, but Jesus does. And even if you know Jesus, it doesn't mean all your mess gets cleaned up, nor does it mean that your mess is less messy than that of the unbelievers. We are all people, and all people have problems. And I just want to encourage you not to lose hope.

And I don't want to sound cheesy, but seriously. Do not give up.A tragic story is only possible if giving up is involved. And I'm not saying things might end pretty. But they can end with you coming out whole and stepping into a new and better season of life.

So let the fire of hope burn within you. Yes, you will get through even though that seems laughable now. Yes, you will know joy once again or maybe even for the first time. And, yes, Jesus is the answer. Don't just read this as some religious jargon or spiel.

Jesus can seriously give you peace in the midst of the storm. I know because I've walked through the fire, and He walked right beside me every step of the way, even when I felt like He wasn't there.

Are you struggling with feelings of hopelessness? Read how to find hope. 

If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. For additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

Does your partner repeatedly say things like this to you?
“You’re crazy – that never happened.”
“Are you sure? You tend to have a bad memory.”
“It’s all in your head.”
Do you often start questioning your own perception of reality, even your own sanity, within your relationship? If so, your partner may be using what mental health professionals call “gaslighting.”

It's Called Gaslighting

This term comes from the 1938 stage play Gas Light, in which a husband attempts to drive his wife crazy by dimming the lights (which were powered by gas) in their home, and then he denies that the light changed when his wife points it out. It is an extremely effective form of emotional abuse that causes a victim to question their own feelings, instincts, and sanity, which gives the abusive partner a lot of power (and we know that abuse is about power and control). Once an abusive partner has broken down the victim’s ability to trust their own perceptions, the victim is more likely to stay in the abusive relationship.

Abusive Partner Techniques

There are a variety of gaslighting techniques that an abusive partner might use:

Withholding: the abusive partner pretends not to understand or refuses to listen. Ex. “I don’t want to hear this again,” or “You’re trying to confuse me.”
Countering: the abusive partner questions the victim’s memory of events, even when the victim remembers them accurately. Ex. “You’re wrong, you never remember things correctly.”
Blocking/Diverting: the abusive partner changes the subject and/or questions the victim’s thoughts. Ex. “Is that another crazy idea you got from [friend/family member]?” or “You’re imagining things.”
Trivializing: the abusive partner makes the victim’s needs or feelings seem unimportant. Ex. “You’re going to get angry over a little thing like that?” or “You’re too sensitive.”
Forgetting/Denial: the abusive partner pretends to have forgotten what actually occurred or denies things like promises made to the victim. Ex. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” or “You’re just making stuff up.”(Adapted from: Source)

It Happens Gradually 

Gaslighting typically happens very gradually in a relationship; in fact, the abusive partner’s actions may seem harmless at first. Over time, however, these abusive patterns continue, and a victim can become confused, anxious, isolated, and depressed, and they can lose all sense of what is actually happening. Then they start relying on the abusive partner more and more to define reality, which creates a very difficult situation to escape.
In order to overcome this type of abuse, it’s important to start recognizing the signs and eventually learn to trust yourself again. According to author and psychoanalyst Robin Stern, Ph.D., the signs of being a victim of gaslighting include:

• You constantly second-guess yourself.
• You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” multiple times a day.
• You often feel confused and even crazy.
• You’re always apologizing to your partner.
• You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.
• You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.
• You find yourself withholding information from friends and family, so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.
• You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
• You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
• You have trouble making simple decisions.
• You have the sense that you used to be a very different person – more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
• You feel hopeless and joyless.
• You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
• You wonder if you are a “good enough” partner.

If any of these signs ring true for you, call or chat with an advocate at The National Domestic Violence Hotline for 24/7 support. Their advocates are ready to support and listen to you.
This article was originally published here.

From TheHopeLine...

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We are all made of Mind, Body, and Spirit. It's essential to realize and understand the importance of maintaining all 3 to achieve a healthy sense of wholeness. Having a proper awareness of wholeness can often improve your mental health.

Check out these tips on ways you can strengthen each area of YOU!

Strengthening the Mind

Meditation
Meditation helps reduce stress and leads you to a better sense of self-awareness.

Take Breaks
Allow yourself time for rest. Listen to calming music. Chat with friends. Use this time to spend with loved ones or add fun to your life.

Exercise Your Brain
Use brain games and puzzles, or choose an art/craft project to work on. Exercising your brain can help you increase focus, concentration, and memory.

Strengthening the Body

Get Enough Sleep
The quality and quantity of your sleep can affect everything from your mood to your metabolism.

Healthy Eating
Food is your fuel, and you need a balanced diet to fuel it properly. In addition, various foods can influence your mood positively and negatively. Talk with a nutritionist or do some research on healthy eating habits.

Exercise
Finding ways to be more active in your daily life is good for your health and can relieve stress and elevate your mood. Talk with your doctor to discuss healthy exercise options to add to your routine.

Strengthening the Spirit

Connect with Something Greater than Yourself
For some, this happens through faith in God and spending time in prayer. Others accomplish it by shifting their focus to others and giving back rather than spending so much time focusing on themselves and their problems. Examples of things to do are attend a local church, volunteer in your community, join a support group, and bake some goodies for your neighbors.

Positive/Gratitude Journaling
Train your spirit to let go of negative thinking and shift to a more positive outlook. Write out three positive things about your day each night. They can be small things like finding a coin on the ground, feeling a soft blanket, or enjoying the warm sunshine. Try it for two weeks and see how it can affect your daily outlook.

Spend Time in Nature
Disconnect from devices and take time to enjoy the fresh air, listen to the sounds of nature, put your feet on the grass, or catch a view of the sunrise/sunset.

Prayer. How does prayer work? Find out what God will answer...

Have you ever known someone who really trusts God? When I was an atheist, I had a good friend who prayed often. She would tell me every week about something she was trusting God to take care of. And every week I would see God do something unusual to answer her prayer. Do you know how difficult it is for an atheist to observe this week after week? After a while, "coincidence" begins to sound like a very weak argument.

So why would God answer my friend's prayers? The biggest reason is that she had a relationship with God. She wanted to follow God. And she actually listened to what he said. In her mind, God had the right to direct her in life, and she welcomed him doing just that! When she prayed for things, it was a natural part of her relationship with God. She felt very comfortable coming to God with her needs, her concerns, and whatever issues were current in her life. Furthermore, she was convinced, from what she read in the Bible, that God wanted her to rely on Him like that.

She pretty much exhibited what this statement from the Bible says, "This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us."¹ "For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer..."²

So, Why Doesn't God Answer Everyone's Prayers?

It may be because they don't have a relationship with God. They may know that God exists, and they might even worship God from time to time. But those who never seem to have their prayers answered probably don't have a relationship with him.

Further, they have never received from God complete forgiveness for their sin. What does that have to do with it you ask? Here is an explanation. "Surely the arm of the Lord is not too short to save, nor his ear too dull to hear. But your iniquities have separated you from your God. Your sins have hidden his face from you, so that he will not hear."³

It's pretty natural to feel that separation from God. When people begin to ask God for something, what usually takes place? They begin with, "God, I really need your help with this problem..." And then there's a pause, followed by a restart... "I realize that I'm not a perfect person, that I actually have no right to ask you for this..." There's an awareness of personal sin and failure. And the person knows that it's not just them; that God is aware of it too. There's a feeling of, "Who am I kidding?" What they may not know is how they can receive God's forgiveness for all their sin. They might not know that they can come into a relationship with God so that God will hear them. This is the foundation for God answering your prayer.

How Does Prayer Work?

You must first begin a relationship with God. Here's why. Imagine that a guy named Mike asks the president of Princeton University to co-sign a car loan for him. If Mike doesn't personally know the president of Princeton, that car loan is not going to happen. Yet, if the daughter of this president asked her dad to co-sign a car loan for her, it would be no problem. Relationship matters.

With God, when the person is actually a child of God, when the person belongs to God, he knows them and hears their prayers. Jesus said, "I am the good shepherd. I know my sheep and my sheep know me...my sheep listen to my voice. I know them and they follow me. I give them eternal life and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand."⁴

When it comes to God then, do you really know him and does he know you? Do you have a relationship with him that warrants God answering your prayers? Or is God pretty distant, pretty much just a concept in your life? If God is distant, or you're not sure that you know God, here is how you can begin a relationship with him right now: Getting Connected.

Will God Definitely Answer Your Prayer?

For those who do know him and rely on him, Jesus seems to be wildly generous in his offer: "If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you."⁵ To "remain" in him and have his words remain in them means they conduct their lives aware of him, relying on him, listening to what he says. Then they're able to ask him whatever they want.

Here is another qualifier: "This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us -- whatever we ask -- we know that we have what we asked of him."⁶ God answers our prayers according to his will (and according to his wisdom, his love for us, his holiness, etc.).

Where we trip up is assuming we know God's will, because a certain thing makes sense to us! We assume that there is only one right "answer" to a specific prayer, assuming certainly THAT would be God's will. And this is where it gets tough. We live within the limits of time and limits of knowledge. We have only limited information about a situation and the implications of future action on that situation. God's understanding is unlimited. How an event plays out in the course of life or history is only something he knows. And he may have purposes far beyond what we could even imagine. So, God is not going to do something simply because we determine that it must be his will.

What Does It Take? What is God Inclined to Do?

Pages and pages could be filled about God's intentions toward us. The entire Bible is a description of the kind of relationship God wants us to experience with him and the kind of life he wants to give us. Here are just a few examples:

"...the Lord longs to be gracious to you. He rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for [trust] him!"⁷ Did you catch that? Like someone rising out of his chair to come to your help, "He rises to show you compassion." "As for God, his way is perfect...He is a shield for all who take refuge in him."⁸ "The Lord delights in those who fear [reverence] him, who put their hope in his unfailing love."⁹

However, God's greatest display of his love and commitment to you is this: Jesus said, "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends,"¹⁰ which is what Jesus did for us. And so, "If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since God did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won't God, who gave us Christ, also give us everything else?"¹¹

What about "Unanswered" Prayer?

Certainly, people get sick, and even die; financial problems are real, and all sorts of very difficult situations can come up. What then?

God tells us to give our concerns to him. Even as the situation remains dismal, "Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you."¹² The circumstances may look out of control, but they aren't. When the whole world seems to be falling apart, God can keep us together. This is when a person can be very grateful that they know God.

"The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."¹³ God may provide solutions, and resolutions to the problem WAY beyond what you imagined possible. Probably any Christian could list examples like this in their own lives. But if the circumstances do not improve, God can still give us his peace in the midst of it. Jesus said, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful."¹⁴

It is at this point (when circumstances are still tough) that God asks us to continue to trust him -- to "walk by faith, not by sight" the Bible says. But it's not blind faith. It is based on the very character of God. A car traveling on the Golden Gate Bridge is fully supported by the integrity of the bridge. It doesn't matter what the driver may be feeling, or thinking about, or discussing with someone in the passenger seat. What gets the car safely to the other side is the integrity of the bridge, which the driver was willing to trust.

In the same way, God asks us to trust his integrity, his character...his compassion, love, wisdom, and righteousness on our behalf. He says, "I have loved you with an everlasting love, therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you."¹⁵ "Trust in him at all times, O people. Pour out your heart before him. God is a refuge for us."¹⁶

In Summary

God has offered to answer the prayers of his children (those who have received him into their lives and seek to follow him). He asks us to take any concerns to him in prayer and he will act upon it according to his will. As we deal with difficulties, we are to cast our cares on Him and receive from him a peace that defies the circumstances. The basis for our hope and faith is the character of God himself. The better we know him, the more apt we are to trust him.

This post was originally published here. If you have further questions about God? Please see everystudent.com. If you have asked God into your heart please visit - Your New Life In Christ