Have you ever made a bad choice?
There are certain choices that cost less, and others that cost you more.
Do you want to know how to make better choices?

Resist living by default

Some of you make choices by default…whatever comes your way.
Never allow life to make your decisions for you. Living by default steals your potential. Default living keeps us at the mercy of life…off balance and unprepared.
The default life resembles the life of Rip Van Winkle. Rip went to sleep and woke up 20 years later, unprepared for what was in front of him.

Choices are big

• The choice of faith determines your spiritual life.
• The choice of a career determines your work environment.
• The choice of where we live determines the climate you experience.
• The choice of church attendance determines your weekend schedule.

It is true, sometimes good choices can end with bad results. But making good decisions are the foundation of a good life.

Don’t you wish every choice you made was great?

It is never easy to make the best choice, especially if you are suffering from emotional trauma or caught in a crisis.

Temptation plays a big role in the choices we make.  There are obvious temptations such as a man checking out a woman.  There are also more subtle temptations such as the need to achieve, to be accepted, to be wanted, to be wealthy, to be critical, to be judgmental, to compare yourself, to be envious, to quit, to over medicate, or to be offended. These are real-life challenges.

Temptations are open doors to poor choices. We can choose wrongly because we are fundamentally unhappy and searching for satisfaction. This search leads you to anesthetize areas where you are not emotionally healthy.

So, we search for pleasure in the wrong things. Things such as unhealthy relationships, achievement, sex, drugs, drinking, and codependency.

Some choices leave permanent trails

• The choice to cheat on a spouse
• The choice to drink and drive
• The choice to divorce
• The choice of abortion
• The choice to not forgive

Choices never offer an erase button.  The decisions you make at critical points in your life are the key to the way your life turns out. Some decisions are irreversible. However, making great choices create a great life.

The choice to vape can end your life.  The choice to stop vaping results in better health.

The choice to change your alcohol consumption matters. Drinking and driving is a poor choice. DWI’s are irreversible on your record and hard to overcome.

Risky sexual encounters are not a great choice.  You may think risky sex is fun, but it can negatively change our lives forever. The cost of an STD is no fun and carries long-term health issues. The cost of becoming pregnant is huge. Bringing a child into this world is irreversible.  Someone will raise a precious child and care for the child for many years. Raising a child is expensive, carries a grave responsibility, and will affect your life forever.

When you make healthy wise choices, you can protect yourself from some irreversible outcomes. This is living life by intention. When you make your choices from temptation or circumstance, it’s normally the wrong choice.

Whatever we choose, chooses us.

If you choose anger, you receive anger. If you choose fear, you receive fear. Choosing bitterness results in bitterness.

There is no way around it. Choices always determine outcomes.

We change our world by making good choices.

You’re not a winner or a loser, but a chooser, so choose wisely.

Best wishes, Thomas

Thomas McDaniels is a pastor/writer and the guy behind thomasmcdaniels.com. He has written for ChurchLeaders.com and currently writes op-eds for Fox News. He is also the Founder of LifeBridge.tv and the Longview Dream Center in Longview, Texas. Thomas can be found on social media on Instagram.

Are your issues influencing your choices in life? You are not alone. Visit our topic pages for podcasts, blogs, eBooks and stories to help you with issues in relationships, addiction, self-esteem, abuse, self-care and more. 

Give life another chance. You may be reading this article because you are contemplating killing yourself. Or perhaps you know someone who is.

If you are at the end of your rope, contact information for suicide prevention services, and other resources, are available at this link – Suicide Help.

If you have lost hope for your life because of depression and suicidal thoughts, please read on. Maybe give life another try.

Let me talk to you personally. I realize that you may have already planned to end your life or even tried to. All you can think about is how hopeless your life is, how you can’t go on living like this. The pain is too great. No one understands the burdens you carry or the emotional turmoil you are experiencing.

Let me share with you some hope about how your life can be different, and about why you should give life another try.

Options: I want to ask you to consider doing something other than trying to end your life. You may have tried counseling or talking to someone to no avail. I’m asking you to try taking some steps again, steps that will help you move in another direction, away from the self-destructive thoughts which have plagued you.

First of All, You Need to Understand Why You Are Depressed

You may say, “I do know why. I am a failure. I’m in debt. My wife/husband left me. Someone died. I’m unemployed. I’m lonely. I’m _____ (you fill in the blank).” I want to tell you that though you have many problems and struggles, most likely you are also struggling with a physical deficiency of chemicals in your nervous system. This may be a major reason for the depression you feel.

Many people who are depressed don’t know that depression is also caused by a deficiency of neurochemicals. A recent article from the world-renowned Mayo Clinic stated that “experts believe a genetic vulnerability combined with environmental factors, such as stress or physical illness, may trigger an imbalance in brain chemicals called neurotransmitters, resulting in depression. Imbalances in three neurotransmitters – serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine – seem to be linked to depression.”

These chemicals help people concentrate, improve mood, and increase energy. Medication, along with natural methods such as exercise and taking time to grow spiritually, can help increase these neurochemicals. You still need to work through other issues such as the loss of a loved one through death or divorce, low self-esteem, guilt, resentment, anger, or past sexual abuse. Those crises and losses need to be dealt with, processed, and grieved.

Have you been going to counseling and been treated for depression? If not, go immediately to your family doctor or a psychiatrist or to the nearest emergency room for help. You can find a counselor or go to the nearest mental health center. If you are suicidal, please contact 911 (in the USA & Canada). Please do this immediately!

If you are presently in counseling, you need to contact your therapist and/or psychiatrist to tell them you need help for depression and suicidal thoughts. If you can, ask a trusted friend or a family member or friend to go with you.

Understanding Depression and Challenging Your Emotions

Your feelings and your depression cannot be trusted. Feelings are not objective truth. Feelings are indicators of subjective thinking, and you need to explore the thoughts you have been dwelling on that have led you to contemplate suicide.

Thinking about killing yourself is believing lies about life and about the future. Many people in the past have struggled with depression but, they didn’t cave into or trust the feelings. They had the courage to go on, the courage to believe that their future and that their life could be different.

Martin Luther graphically described one of his frequent rock-bottom moods: “For more than a week I was close to the gates of death and hell. I trembled in all my members. Christ was wholly lost. I was shaken by desperation and blasphemy of God” (Here I Stand, Abingdon Press).

Don Baker, pastor and author wrote of his experience with depression: “I seemed to be out of touch with reality. Life was a blur, often out of focus. My life seemed to be nothing but pretense and fantasy. No one really cared, I felt, not even God. The only solution at times seemed to be suicide….”

These men did not follow their feelings. They rejected the despairing thoughts and moved forward. They were able to overcome hurdles and their emotions of defeat. You don’t need to be led astray by your negative feelings and thoughts either.

It’s time to challenge that thinking. Time to see your life from a healthy perspective. You are a person of value. You deserve to give life another try. You are important and you can change your thinking and behavior and improve your life! I implore you to also give God a chance to give you hope as well. Turn to God and seek His help and guidance. Why not find out what He can do?! I have witnessed how He has changed lives, lifted the downcast, and brought hope to those who feel lost.

Ask Yourself

• What feelings are underneath my depression?
• Do I suffer from low self-esteem?
• Am I having guilt problems?
• Am I struggling with relationship problems?
• Am I fearful about something?
• Am I struggling with some loss?
• What types of thoughts rule my mind?
• How can I take a step towards seeking God?

Ask God to reveal these things to you. Then, pray and ask Him for help and to change your life from the inside out. Don’t give up! Contract with someone close to you right now NOT to take your life.

Moving Beyond Hopelessness

Usually, people who are feeling depressed are not doing what would help them feel better. You need to fight the depression and move forward. Talk with someone about your feelings, about your life. Expressing your feelings to someone is very beneficial. Exploring with someone, especially a counselor, what underlies your feelings can help you begin to problem-solve.

Seeing your doctor for a physical exam and telling him or her about your depression can lead to further treatment for the physiological causes. You most likely need to take an antidepressant. Regular exercise and proper diet is very helpful and can also increase the neurochemicals your body is missing. Spending quality time with caring people, friends, God, members of your family and church will give you a sense of connection and help you regain meaning in your life.

Where To Start

You have read this article. Will you now consider taking a step toward life? A step towards rebuilding your life? A step to reach out for help? Refuse to believe the lies you have been telling yourself. Lies that life is hopeless, you are worthless and you have no future.

I’m here to tell you that your life has a future and a hope. I have seen so many people get help and go on to enjoy a better life! Write out a list of what will help you start over. Here are some suggestions:

1. Professional counseling: In the USA: American Association of Christian Counselors directory, SuicideHotlines.com. In Canada: Centre for Suicide Prevention.
2. A physical exam and medication
3. Exercise
4. Support from family and friends
5. Working through grief or loss. Reading a book such as: The Freedom from Depression Workbook by Les Carter, Frank Minirth; The Search for Significance by Robert McGee; Learning to Tell Myself the Truth by William Backus; or Keep Believing: God in the Midst of Our Deepest Struggles by Ray Pritchard.
6. Other: _________________ (fill in the blank)

I hope that I have been able to talk you out of harming yourself. Please contact someone for help, like a free and confidential online email mentor or chat online with a HopeCoach. Call your pastor, counselor, friend, your doctor. Take a step towards life and hope now.

Used with permission of Power to Change. Originally published at issuesiface.com.

Do you feel worthless? The answer to having deep-rooted self-worth is to understand how God views you. His view might just surprise you. Find out here.

If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. For a list of crisis centers around the world and additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

People can wind up trapped in porn through many different ways. Some people intentionally seek it out for various reasons, some are exposed to it by no fault of their own but then find themselves returning to it again and again, and others go slowly and subtly. They walk down a long, dark, gradually declining path, not realizing where they are going until one day they look up and wonder how they got so lost.

If you read my testimony, you know that I have been there, and that last description, that slow fade, is how I fell. I want to bring that to light today. I don’t do this because it is fun to talk about – it isn’t – but because I pray that by exposing how I drifted, God will save others from that same path before they wander as far as I did.

Lies Pornography Makes Us Believe

You see, I never wanted to look at pornography. I didn’t even know what it was really. What I wanted was to be wanted. I wanted to be chosen and loved by a guy. I dreamed about what that would be like constantly, but my view of it was tainted by the romance thrown in our face by Hollywood and our romance-crazy culture.

I never expressed any of these thoughts or feelings to my parents. For some reason it seemed too weird to talk about. I had never really cared about boys before, and I didn’t want to lose that “all cool and doesn’t care” status. Yet while I maintained that face, my heart was totally swept away.

Fed by media and the internet for my original ideas of what a relationship looks like, I turned there again. I figured it would be harmless.

“How do you know if someone likes you?”
“5 ways to get a guy to notice you”

Internet Search About Relationships Escalated 

Then I started thinking, what about after I was in a relationship? I wasn’t allowed to date, but one day I would be able to. And I knew I would save my kiss until my wedding (although at that point I don’t know if that was as much my personal conviction as it was just obeying my parents), but one day I would be married and what then?? I continued seeking out the vast store of information the world offered me through the internet, but it escalated quickly.

“How to kiss”
“How to make him want to kiss you”
and so on and so on…

Walked Right into Pornography 

While originally, I was interested in information and mostly read articles, I soon found that images were more enticing than words. So, I started searching for pictures. Then pictures became boring and so I went on to videos. I never in all of that stopped to think about what I was really doing. I never saw it coming, even as I was walking right into it. In fact, I remember a moment where I thought “Oh… so this is pornography…” By that point, I was in too deep and had no idea how to escape.

So how did I get there? What happened? It started all the way at the beginning, deep deep down, as a heart problem. I spent more time fantasizing about my desires and soaking in the world’s views than I did seeking God. I craved love, but looked for it in shallow places, like boys, while in reality God’s love is the only love capable of satisfying that thirst in my heart.

Six Lies Pornography Tells Us:

If porn – or any sin – looked as evil and disgusting as it really was, we would probably never give in to any of it. Instead, they present themselves as small and harmless or as pretty and desirable. These are six lies that pornography presents us with, things it tells us it will give us but never can, and the truth behind those pretty bows and packages.

1. Pleasure

Porn promises us pleasure, but that pleasure won’t last. God offers us a deeper, lasting pleasure when our hearts and minds are solely fixed on Him.

“There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end, it leads to death.” – Proverbs 14:12 .

“Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” – Psalm 37:4

2. Connection

We desire a deep connection. Pornography tells us it will be enough to quiet that ache, but God is the one who sees us and hears us. He reaches down into our soul and can comfort our loneliness with His divine presence.

“Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” – Psalm 73:23-26

“You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.” – Psalm 139:1-5

3. Acceptance

Like connection, we crave acceptance. We believe that sex will touch us deeply enough to quiet our fears that we are too flawed or not good enough, and so pornography lures us in. However, the truth is that we are already chosen and accepted by God exactly as we are!

“But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.” – 1 Peter 2:9

“For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will” – Ephesians 1:4-5

4. Love

God has given us a desire to be loved, but the “love” that pornography offers us is fake. Jesus is love – true, enduring, never-failing love.

“The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.” – Jeremiah 31:3

“Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life.” – Isaiah 43:4

“This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” – 1 John 4:9-10

5. Fulfillment and Satisfaction

There is an emptiness we all feel inside of us. Pornography tells us it has what we need to satisfy that hole in our heart, but nothing in this world can satisfy us. That emptiness is a place that only God can fill.

Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” – John 4:13-14

“Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on his Law Day and night. That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither— whatever they do prospers.” – Psalm 1:1-3

6. Escape and Peace

Pornography says it can give us a break from the craziness, stress, and pain of life. It promises us relief. We do need relief but using sex like a drug to ease our minds won’t give us what we need. God is our refuge and our peace when we can’t take what life is throwing at us.

“Peace, I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” – John 14:27

“How abundant are the good things that you have stored up for those who fear you, that you bestow in the sight of all, on those who take refuge in you. In the shelter of your presence, you hide them from all human intrigues; you keep them safe in your dwelling from accusing tongues.” – Psalm 31:19-20

Look to Him 

Whatever it is you might be dealing with, whatever you may be facing, Jesus is everything you need to get through it. Don’t look anywhere else but to Him. Intentionally spend time learning from Him and growing closer to Him. When we absentmindedly go through life, we will eventually wake up and wonder where we are and how we got there. Actively stay in His Light, and the darkness cannot overtake you. The lies cannot defeat the Truth. He is all you need and everything you need. Seek Him first and seek Him alone. ~Amanda

Amanda Turner is the founder and head writer of Breaking Free Indeed.  Her hope is that by sharing her own story and the truths God has shown her, others might not feel so alone on their own journeys and can also find help in these truths.   This passion grew from seeing how God freed her from the struggles that she felt so trapped in and redeemed the brokenness that she once thought could only be hidden at best.  This article was originally published at Breaking Free Indeed.
 

What to Know About Depression

In the mind, we ponder fond memories that can make us smile. In the mind we can problem solve. We can daydream. But in the mind, we can also battle thoughts of loneliness, shame or fear of failure. The mind holds what the heart feels.

When a person is struggling with depression, many times the mind deals with more than your typical battling. It's more like an all-out war and you feel like you are on the losing side.

The What's of Depression

If a heart feels like they are broken, worthless, no good for anyone and it meets with a mind of a person struggling with depression then the outcome can be tragic.

You may think that is a little too drastic to call it tragic...but have you been there? I have.
I have not only been there, but I've also been there to listen to countless humans struggling with depression that pour out the devastation they are going through, baring their heart and soul.

Our individual bodies play a role in this subject of depression. There are many studies to support the fact that depression is an illness. There is so much to the causes of depression but I don't want to make this post about the why's of depression but instead the what's of depression.

What depression feels like. What we can look for as symptoms of depression in our self or someone else. What we can do for ourselves and for those in our lives struggling in this war on the heart, mind, soul and body.
So basically ALL OF YOU is fighting. Some are fighting and some have just about given up.

• Depression wants control of your life.
• Depression twists your way of thinking.
• Depression is exhausting.
• Depression causes you to live in a state of fear.

Depression is a Bully 

It is a bully that wants to win at ruining your life. A bully that affects young people and adults. Both male and female.
Those of us that are Christians, followers of Jesus.....you then bring the spiritual aspect into the equation. The enemy Satan wants to have free access to play in the mind.

Depression wants your mind but so does the enemy. So now it's 2 against you.....yeah you're right, I know what you may be  thinking

"No, if you are a Christian you have God on your side. You are on the winning side of this and you just need to connect with Him more. You just need to have bigger faith to give you the confidence that you can win this war in the heart and mind."

You're right God absolutely helps us win our battles, but when you are being bullied by depression you feel like it is ONLY you and you are losing strength....and fast.

Loneliness of Depression

In depression, you feel like you are fighting something you'll never win at. You are very lonely, even as you sit surrounded by all the lovely humans in your life.

You're lonely because depression also makes you feel like you can't tell on it. Like all of a sudden, we feel like we'd be a tattletale if we were to tell someone we are being bullied by depression.
We are unsure of what someone might say to us if we tell them about our bully. For instance we worry they might say things that hurt. Such as...

"Well just pray about it and do things that will help your mind focus on the good things in your life. Do things that help put your focus on God and not your problems."

“I'm sure this will pass, everyone is a little discouraged every now and then, cheer up, it will all be ok.”
"Why in the world are you feeling depressed? Surely you know how much you are loved. You really have no reason to feel depressed, you're just not thinking positive enough."

These are just a few that we fear, but trust me, those being bullied by this mental illness will many times have depression's irritating buddy tagging along and its name is anxiety.

Anxiety Brings Racing Thoughts

Anxiety brings along racing thoughts that seem to never stop. So, therefore, we think a plethora of daunting, overwhelming and shaming scenarios of what someone might say to us if we bring up a conversation about our bullies.

Racing thoughts are miserable, they cause you to lose sleep. They cause you to make it hard to focus on any task at hand.
Depression and anxiety are most definitely bullies that no one ever wants to be up against. Bullies make a person miserable. Just like a bully, they will taunt you. Beat you down mentally and emotionally to which makes your soul feel crushed. Yet it also beats you down physically as well.

Yes, depression and anxiety can affect you physically. Take a look at these links that share some of the physical symptoms of depression and anxiety.

Depression Untreated 

Now, if you don't struggle with depression I hope that I have given a description that gets your attention. If not then maybe sharing the next point will.

Depression left untreated can end tragically. Not all people with depression have suicidal thoughts. However, more than you probably realize actually have suicide cross their mind and multiple times.

This is the darkest place. By far it's the loneliest stage of depression. This form of bullying is like taking a beating that knocks every bit of breath out of you. Leaving you feeling like you are lifeless so you will just hope to die.

Stand in Prayer

If you have read up till this point. Thank you for staying. If you are a part of the body of Christ, realize this....the enemy is taking advantage of those that have a weakness in their mind.

The devil will always attack where we are weak. If you suspect or know someone struggling with depression....start today, right now and stand in prayer fighting for them!

If you are the one struggling, then you also need to realize this very important point. Call the enemy out, over and over. Asking the Lord to disarm him and kick him out of this war. If you are a child of God, no matter the state of your illness, the enemy has no right to your mind.

Don't Be Afraid to Use the Word Depression or Suicide

If you've been concerned about someone in your life who may be struggling with depression....don't wait for them to come to you.
Don't be afraid to use the word depression or suicide as you lovingly ask a family member or friend if they are ok. Here are a few suggestions on what to say...

"If you have been feeling like your struggling with depression, it's ok to tell me your not ok and I will stand with you in any way I can. I mean it, I'm really here for you."

"I'll help you find a counselor. Whatever you need me to be, in that moment I'll do my best because I love you. Nothing you say will make me think less of you."

"I will pray hard, standing in the fight with you. I will never give up on you and I want to help you to not give up on yourself."

"If your depression ever makes you feel like giving up this fight, you can talk to me about those thoughts too."

"If suicide is something that ever crosses your mind, you can talk to me about those feelings"

End the Judgment Towards Depression 

There needs to be no judgment towards someone struggling in depression. If you pray for your loved ones when they have been diagnosed with diabetes, cancer, or any other illness, then treat this in the same way and pray.

We must help get our family and friends to the feet of Jesus. Carrying them, their thoughts, their pain straight to the feet of the One that cares most. Loves most. To the greatest Healer that ever walked the earth.

We also need to help in other areas by not only being there for them but finding resources or helping find counselors.  Chat with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine for resources.  I work with TheHopeLine and they have access to many resources to help you find the help you need for your loved one.

If you have been silent while being pushed around and bullied by depression...I want you to know that there are people that want to help you. Talk to those in your life that you trust the most. You are not alone. Chat with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine that will help you find the resources you need for depression.

Take Charge of  Depression

I am putting a few resources at the end of this post that will help you in the area of taking charge of this bully in your life.
Take in this thought....really stop to soak it into your heart. You are so loved by the King of Kings. His name is Jesus and He willingly sacrificed His life, His own breath for you. You are wanted. You are worthy. You are precious to God and to others in your life. There can be reprieve. There can be healing.

Church, my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ Jesus....take note.

Depression has a loud voice and we must unite together to have a louder voice, to help those that are being tormented by mental illness.

We must be love. We must love. We must join in this fight to help save lives from the bully. I stand up, calling out this bully named depression that is chasing down those in our life, making them feel like helpless prey.
Will you join in their fight too, so they know that they are not alone in their fight?

Free Resources for Depression and Anxiety

I am not a professional. I am not licensed. I received training in suicide prevention through my work in a faith-based crisis line.
The things I share on this post are from my own personal experiences and in learning through the years as I have talked with those that struggle with many different issues including depression and anxiety.

Free E-book for anxiety Free E-book for depression- which includes a section for how to help a friend or loved one in depression.

Scriptures of Hope-sections for your specific struggle.

Mental Illness is NOT Mental Weakness

Focus on the Family -free call to speak to a trained professional.

Chat free with a HopeCoach-plus many more online resources. Sign up for a free email mentor.

April is a wife, mom and nana who is a child of God. Through her own past experiences with being both emotionally and spiritually wounded, she felt God calling her to expand her reach in giving hope and encouragement to others through her  Healing in Heart blog. It is her #1 hope and prayer that He will be glorified through her blogging ministry. #2 that He will continue to allow her to share hope, healing and encouragement by pointing others to the truth in His word. This article was originally published here. 

Just as the use of technology itself has evolved, so has the ability to bully. Bullying, once restricted to the school or neighborhood, has now moved into the online world. Bullying through electronic means is referred to as “cyberbullying.”

As adults, thinking back, it was just a generation ago that kids and teens were asking their parents for a phone in their room — maybe even one with a separate line or three-way calling — so they could easily and somewhat privately connect with more friends.

Today, a kid or teen’s desire to connect with friends has not changed, but the options for doing so have grown tremendously. Children are not only asking for their own tablets, gaming devices, and mobile phones at a younger age, they also want access to popular social media sites, and the ability to engage in online games and share information.

Just as young people used to spend unmonitored time playing with friends in the neighborhood, outside the periphery of adults, they are now engaging with each other in the cyberworld, “talking” with each other, “talking” to each other, and “talking” about each other, often without adult or parental monitoring. While technology allows young people to connect in meaningful ways, such as the opportunity to share ideas, photos, videos, and more, the unsupervised nature of the cyberworld demands the need for guidance, guidelines, and social responsibility.

Cyberbullying: What Makes it Unique | PACERTalks About Bullying, Episode 13

The dynamics of using technology to hurt, harm or humiliate another individual or group are examined in this video.

https://youtu.be/Oc7Fmfr-Hqo

What to Know About Cyberbullying?

Definition of Cyberbullying

While the definitions of cyberbullying, sometimes called online bullying, vary from source to source, most definitions consist of:

1. electronic forms of contact
2. an aggressive act
3. intent
4. repetition
5. harm to the target (Hutson, 2016 )

The technology, accessed through computers or cell phones, used to cyberbully includes:

• personal websites
• blogs
• e-mail
• texting
• social networking sites
• chat rooms
• message boards
• instant messaging
• photographs
• video games (Feinberg & Robey, 2009)

Other helpful definitions include:

• Cyberbullying is defined as “willful and repeated harm inflicted through the use of computers, cell phones, and other electronic devices” (Hinduja & Patchin, 2015 ).
• Cyberbullying occurs “when someone repeatedly makes fun of another person online or repeatedly picks on another person through e-mail or text message or when someone posts something online about another person that they don’t like” (Cyberbullying Research Center, 2016 ).
• Cyberbullying is intentional and repeated harm inflicted on others through the use of electronic devices (Cyberbullying Research Center, 2016 ).
• Cyberbullying is as an aggressive, intentional act distributed by an individual or group, using contact in an electronic medium, continuously and relentlessly against someone who cannot stand up for himself or herself easily (Smith et al., 2008 ).

Unique characteristics of cyberbullying

Recently a student shared “that all bullying hurts, whether in person or through technology, the end result is that bullying in any form is emotionally damaging.”
Contrasting offline bullying with online bullying:

1. targets might not know who the bully is or why they are being targeted, as cyberbullying can happen anonymously.
2. cyberbullying can have a large audience - the actions of those who cyberbully can go viral;
3. it is often easier to be cruel using technology because of greater physical distance and the person bullying doesn’t see the immediate response by the target - they might not recognize the serious harm from their actions because they lack seeing the target’s response; and
4. it can be harder for parents and adults to manage cyberbullying (Hinduja & Patchin, 2014 ).

Rates of Incidence for Cyberbullying

• Rates of cyberbullying victimization range from 5% to 74% (Hamm, Newton, & Chisholm, 2015 ).
• 15.5% of high school students and 24% of middle school students were cyberbullied in 2015 (Center for Disease Control, 2015 ).
• The percentages of individuals who have experienced cyberbullying at some point in their lifetimes have nearly doubled (18% to 34%) from 2007-2016 (Patchin & Hinduja, 2016).
• Boys are more likely to be cyberbully perpetrators and girls are more likely to be cyberbully targets (Hamm, Newton, & Chisholm, 2015).

What Kids Want Parents to Know About Cyberbullying | PACERTalks About Bullying: Season 2, Episode 17

Middle school students provide insight about their online experiences, and share what they want their parents to know about cyberbullying.

https://youtu.be/JN54FWBvpes

How Cyberbullying Impacts Students

• Those who are cyberbullied are also likely to be bullied offline (Hamm, Newton, & Chisholm, 2015 ).
• Cyberbullying can result in serious emotional problems for targets, including anxiety, low self-esteem, depression (Hinduja & Patchin, 2015 ), stress, and suicide ideation, (Kowalski, Giumetti, Schroeder, & Lattanner, 2014 ).
• Those who are cyberbullied can feel more uncontrollability than those facing traditional bullying, because they have less control over who views the bullying and less ability to make the bullying stop. There can also be more permanence with cyberbullying compared to traditional bullying: nearly everything on the Internet is available to everyone, everywhere. It can be challenging to erase information once it goes on the Internet (Pearson, Andersson, & Porath, 2005 ).
• Those who cyberbully are more likely to have anxiety, depression, less life satisfaction, less self-esteem, and face drug and alcohol abuse (Kowalski, Giumetti, Schroeder, & Lattanner, 2014 ).
• Both cyberbullies and targets of cyberbullying report less school satisfaction and achievement (Bernan & Li, 2007 ).
• Motivations behind cyberbullying include a lack of confidence or desire to feel better about themselves, a desire for control, finding it entertaining, and retaliation (Hamm, Newton, & Chisholm, 2015).
• Targets of cyberbullying have a greater chance of becoming bullies themselves, as being cyberbullied can lead to revenge bullying as a way to cope. And, cyberbullies have a greater risk at being bullied in return, resulting in a vicious cycle. Being a cyberbully contributes to a twenty-fold increase of also being a target of cyberbullying (Arslan, Savaser, Hallett, & Balci, 2012 ).
• Because cyberbullying can occur anonymously, cyberbullies can act more aggressively as they feel there will be no consequences. In face-to-face bullying, the bully can view the impact as the attack happens, whereas cyberbullies cannot see any of the immediate outcomes, often resulting in further aggression (Kowalski, Giumetti, Schroeder, & Lattanner, 2014 ).

Trends to Address Cyberbullying

• There are several challenges for addressing cyberbullying. Parents suggest they lack the technical skills to keep up with their children's’ online behaviors. Schools are educating about cyberbullying with policies, training, and assemblies, yet don’t always know when and how to intervene in cyberbullying when it happens off-campus. Law enforcement often can’t get involved unless there is clear evidence of a crime of threat to someone’s safety (Hinduja & Patchin, 2014).
• Effective approaches to address cyberbullying requires effort from children, parents, schools, law enforcement, social media companies, and the community (Hinduja & Patchin, 2014).
• A multilayered approach can best combat cyberbullying, including educational media campaigns, school-based programs, parental oversight and involvement, legislative action, and screening and evidence-based interventions by health care providers, especially pediatricians and mental health professionals (Aboujaoude, Savage, Starcevic, & Salame, 2015 ).
• Parental involvement can significantly reduce cyberbullying perpetration and victimization. Parents can be taught how to openly discuss cyberbullying with their children, when to meet with school administrators, and when and how to work with a bully's parents, request that a Web site or service provider remove offending material or contact the police (Aboujaoude, Savage, Starcevic, & Salame, 2015 ).
• Parents can also create an age-appropriate “technology use contract” that identifies behaviors that are and are not appropriate on the Internet, as well as consequences for inappropriate behaviors (Hinduja & Patchin, 2014 ).
• The most common strategies reported by youth to cope with cyberbullying were passive, such as blocking the sender, ignoring or avoiding messages, and protecting personal information. Those who are cyberbullied are most likely to tell a friend about the incident. When asked what coping strategies those who were previously cyberbullied would encourage to someone being cyberbullied include blocking the sender, ignoring the messages, and telling someone, such as a friend. Getting retaliation was the least recommended strategy (Hamm, Newton, & Chisholm, 2015).
• Only 33% of teens that were targets of cyberbullying told their parents or guardians about it, because children are worried they will face reduced Internet and cellphone privileges or other punishments (Juvonen & Gross, 2008 ).
• Improving social networking safety skills can help prevent cyberbullying, such as understanding how cyberbullying can cause harm, making sure personal information is not available on social media, keeping social media accounts private, not “friending” people they do not know, and general efficacy (Wölfer, Schultze-Krumbholz, Zagorscak, Jäkel, Göbel, & Scheithauer, 2013 ).
• If someone is being cyberbullied, he/she should keep all evidence of cyberbullying, keep a log with the dates and times of the instances, and report the instances (Hinduja & Patchin, 2014 ).
• Bystanders to cyberbullying might not want to get involved because of the fear that the bullying will come onto them. However, by not doing anything, bystanders are passively encouraging the behavior. Bystanders can make a big difference by actively standing up against cyberbullies. Bystanders should intervene if they feel comfortable, tell a trusted adult after, and never encourage or contribute to the cyberbullying, such as laughing at comments, forwarding hurtful comments, or silently allowing it to continue (Hinduja & Patchin, 2014).

Ideas for Addressing Cyberbullying | PACERTalks About Bullying, Season 2, Episode 13

In this video, we are sharing tips for teens on how to address and prevent cyberbullying, and what to do if you see it happening online.

https://youtu.be/eifasH0whEo

Related Resources for Cyberbullying

• Cyberbullying Starts Earlier Than You Might Think — Here’s How to Protect Your Child Now
  With kids now owning smartphones as young as age 6, knowing the basics of cyber safety is key. Posted on Babble.com October 2018.
• What Every Parents Needs to Know About Protecting Their Child from Cyberbullying
  Bullying behavior has been around forever, but cyberbullying presents new challenges – and kids today are the first to experience them. Posted on Babble.com October 2017.
• Helping Your Child Understand Cyberbullying 
  It was just a generation ago that kids and teens were asking their parents for a phone line in their room so they could easily and privately connect with more friends. Today, a student’s desire to connect with friends has not changed, but the options for doing so have grown tremendously. While young people’s access to technology has evolved over the years, so has the way we communicate with children about online safety and cyberbullying. Posted to Spring 2017 edition of Our Children, the National PTA Magazine.
• Cyberbullying: What Parents Can Do to Protect Their Children  - This 8-page booklet, sponsored by Century Link, has information for parents on how to address cyberbullying with your child and what steps to take if your child is being bullied online.
• Safety in the Online Community: A conversation with your 13-year-old about Facebook and Instagram  – Facebook and Instagram partnered with PACER’s National Bullying Prevention Center to create this guide to help parents talk with their teens about using social media. The guide covers setting up a new account, safety tips, and commonly asked questions.
• What Parents Should Know About Bullying – This guide, created in partnership with Verizon, offers a comprehensive overview for parents to learn what they can do to address and prevent bullying, featuring a section on mobile and online safety.
• Teens Against Bullying on Cyberbullying  – Teens Against Bullying is a place for middle and high school students to find ways to address bullying, to take action, and to be heard. This features a page on cyberbullying, giving students tips on how to prevent it and how to take action.
• How to Prevent Cyberbullying: Hands Off the Keyboard Until You’re Calm! – YOUR TEEN for parents shared the following quotes in a recent interview: Cyberbullying manifests itself as teens using technology to “to hurt, harm, and humiliate” their peers, says Julie Hertzog, director of the National Bullying Prevention Center in Bloomington, MN. “In some ways,” says Hertzog, “online bullying can be even more devastating than traditional bullying, as an aggressor is able to access an audience 24/7 instead of being confined to the schoolyard, and the kid being bullied can’t escape the bullying.” And the hurt can be worse, as “the person being bullied can read and re-read a hurtful text or comment on social media, and experience the hurt over and over again,” Hertzog states.

Watch “Cyberbullying Dance”

https://youtu.be/h3GXvwzzKKY

Watch the cyberbullying awareness video illustrating the necessity to end and delete the cyberbullying message because “we are all more alike than we think.“ After viewing the video follow up with classroom discussion questions.

Cyberbullying: More Questions Answered By Kids | PACERTalks About Bullying, Episode 16

Age 13 is when teens are typically able to sign up for many social media accounts. But does cyberbullying only start at age 13 when teens start getting these accounts? In this video we ask kids about this question and about all things cyberbullying. Check out their amazing responses.

https://youtu.be/wgHP9uGdxjw

Watch “Social Media & Bullying: Using Technology to Keep Kids Safe”

Staff from PACER’s Simon Technology Center (STC) and National Bullying Prevention Center (NBPC) discuss the technology young people use, and the technology parents can use to keep them safe and raise responsible young digital citizens. Watch the archived live stream.

Used with permission of Pacer's National Bullying Prevention Center. Originally published here.

According to the PACER National Bullying Prevention Center, bullying can lead to mental health disorders and addiction in adulthood. Find resources that educate about the connections between bullying and substance abuse, at Addiction and Bullying.

References

Aboujaoude, E., Savage, M. W., Starcevic, V., & Salame, W. O. (2015). Cyberbullying: Review of an old problem gone viral. Journal of Adolescent Health, 57, 10-18 Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26095405 
Arslan, S., Savaser, S., Hallett, V., & Balci, S. (2012). Cyberbullying among primary school students in Turkey: self-reported prevalence and associations with home and school life. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 15, 527-533. Retrieved from  https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23002988 
Beran T, & Li, Q. (2007). The relationship between cyberbullying and school bullying. Journal of Student Wellbeing, 12, 15-33. Retrieved from https://www.ojs.unisa.edu.au/index.php/JSW/article/view/172 
Cyberbullying Research Center. (2016). What is cyberbullying? Retrieved from https://cyberbullying.org/what-is-cyberbullying 
Feinberg, T., & Robey,  N. (2009). Cyberbullying: intervention and prevention strategies. National Association of School Psychologists, 38,  S4H15-1–S4H15-4. Retrieved from https://www.questia.com/magazine/1P3-1923303221/cyberbullying-intervention-and-prevention-strategies 
Hamm, M. P., Newton, A. S., & Chisholm, A. (2015). Prevalence and effect of cyberbullying on children and young people: A scoping review of social media students. JAMA Pediatrics, 169, 770-777. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26098362 
Hinduja, S. & Patchin, J. W. (2014). Cyberbullying Identification, Prevention, and Response. Cyberbullying Research Center. Retrieved from https://cyberbullying.org/cyberbullying-fact-sheet-identification-prevention-and-response 
Hinduja, S. & Patchin, J. W. (2015). Bullying beyond the schoolyard: Preventing and responding to cyberbullying (2nd edition). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage. Retrieved from Publications.https://cyberbullying.org/bullying-beyond-schoolyard-preventing-responding-cyberbullying-2nd-edition 
Hutson, E. (2016). Cyberbullying in adolescence: A concept analysis. Advances in Nursing Science, 39, 60-70. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26836994 
Juvonen, J., & Gross, E. F. (2008). Extending the school grounds? Bullying experiences in cyberspace. Journal of School Health, 78(9), 496-505. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18786042 
Kowalski, R. M., Giumetti, G. W., Schroeder, A. N., & Lattanner, M. R. (2014). Bullying in the Digital Age: A Critical Review and Meta-Analysis of Cyberbullying Research Among Youth. Psychological Bulletin, 140(4), 1073-1137. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24512111 
Patchin, J. W., & Hinduja, S. (2016). Summary of our cyberbullying research (2004-2016). Cyberbullying Research Center. Retrieved from https://cyberbullying.org/summary-of-our-cyberbullying-research 
Pearson, C. M., Andersson, L. M., & Porath, C. L. (2005). Workplace incivility. In S. Fox & P. E. Spector (Eds.), Counterproductive work behavior: Investigations of actors and targets (pp. 177-200). Retrieved from https://psycnet.apa.org/psycinfo/2004-19514-008 
Pham, T., & Adesman, A. (2015). Teen victimization: Prevalence and consequences of traditional and cyberbullying. Current Opinion Pediatrics, 27, 748-756. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26474342 
Smith, P. K., Mahdavi, J., Carvalho, M., Fisher, S., Russell, S., & Tippett, N. (2008). Cyberbullying: Its nature and impact in secondary school pupils. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 49, 376-385. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18363945 
Wölfer, R., Schultze-Krumbholz, A., Zagorscak, P., Jäkel, A., Göbel, K., & Scheithauer, H. (2014). Prevention 2.0: Targeting cyberbullying @ school. Prevention Science, 15, 879-887. Retrieved from https://link.springer.com.ezp3.lib.umn.edu/article/10.1007%2Fs11121-013-0438-y 
Youth Risk Behavior Survey. (2015). Trends in the prevalence of behaviors that contribute to violence. Centers for Disease Control. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/healthyyouth/data/yrbs/pdf/trends/2015_us_violence_trend_yrbs.pdf 
 

Brooks Gibbs shares the key to disarming a bully. Brooks Gibbs is a youth crisis counselor, bullying expert, youth speaker, author of Love is Greater Than Hate, and friend of TheHopeLine.

Bullying is an Imbalance of Power

To understand how to disarm a bully you first have to know what bullying is and how it works.

All the experts say bullying is an imbalance of power...meaning someone who is more powerful, not necessarily stronger, but more powerful has power over a victim who's weaker.  Most of the time this plays out when the bully calls the victim names and the victim’s feelings are hurt and they don't know how what to do about it. So simply put bullying is when the bully feels like a winner because they hurt the feelings of a victim, and the victim feels like a loser because their feelings are hurt.

Watch Brooks Gibbs proven method for disarming a bully:

https://youtu.be/JuoON7CkL-A

Empower the Victim

Remember, if bullying is an imbalance of power, the solution is to empower the victim.

So How Do You Empower a Victim?

So glad you asked. Here are two things I tell victims:

1. Don’t Get Upset. No matter what the bully says, don’t get upset. He may make fun of your face, your race, your religion or yo’ mamma. It doesn’t matter. His number one goal is to hurt your feelings and if he hurts your feelings, you lose and he wins. But if you want to win, and not let him win...Don’t. Get. Upset. This means you need to be resilient. You need to have tough skin.

2. Treat the enemy or the bully like a friend. I’m not saying to be friends with your bully. I’m just saying be friendly to your bully. No matter what he says you respond with kindness. This is going to be one of the more difficult things you’ll ever do. But once you realize how powerful it is you’ll have the courage to do it.

The best thing I can encourage you to do is just try it.

The next time your enemy calls you a name, makes fun of you, points out your disabilities or insecurities, spreads rumors about you or excludes you from their cool group, however the bullying takes place, I want you to always respond to your enemies with kindness. Compliment them, encourage them, inside perhaps you can even forgive them. (That’s a tough one.)

Here are some things you can say:

"Hey, you can talk crap about me all you want. It’s not going to ruin my day."

Or I like using this line. "Hey man, I know you hate my guts, but I’m going to be happy today even if you hate me. So feel free to hate me, I’m going to be happy. That’s my choice today. I am always going to be nice to you even if you’re a punk to me." 

Let them know you are going to take control of your own feelings and actions.

If you are experiencing bullying and you need support, chat with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine.  You are not alone; we are here to listen and help you when dealing with a bully. Stay strong! We believe in you!

I felt frozen in fear as the red truck stopped in front of me, the driver silently daring me to get out and engage in confrontation. I honestly hadn’t seen the vehicle when I pulled out of a side street, but the driver took my mistake personally. This was not the first time I had had problems driving.

Only moments before, I had sat in a mental health provider’s office, talking about how I made mistakes while driving and wondered if there was something wrong with my brain. She suggested that it was anxiety, creating a vicious cycle. I’d never thought of that before, but as I finally left the red truck behind, I started to wonder if she was right.

Were my driving problems anxiety-related? And if so, what could I do about it? Should I stop driving? Or was there something else I could do?

Understanding My Anxiety

I’d struggled with anxiety since childhood, worrying about projects to the point of being unable to do them, and often jumping to the worst-case scenario as an adult. Often, I find myself unable to relax and enjoy activities or hobbies because of my anxiety. On top of this, as a teen, I ran into the idea, in my reading, that anxiety is a sin. I can understand that idea, and I don’t want to mess with anybody’s theology, but the problem with trying not to be anxious is you tend to worry about worrying. And that only makes it worse.

So, back to the idea of what to do about my anxiety, I tried a lot of things, including deep breathing and certain types of exercise, but I soon realized that, as a Christian, I needed to understand what the Bible says about anxiety.

Three Things I Discovered about Anxiety

I did a word study about what the Bible has to say about anxiety through BibleGateway.com. I found several interesting things:

• The word anxiety appears twice in the Bible
• The word anxious 10 times
• The word worry 3 times

I also found that:

1. Anxiety can be a positive thing.

Many of the Psalms express anxiety as a response to sin. Distress can be a natural response to something unwanted, such as guilt.  This can be good when those anxious thoughts lead to repentance.

Before I became a Christian, I was very anxious, and although my anxiety did not completely disappear when I accepted Christ, I did have more peace afterward. I have found that my anxiety draws me closer to God. Now, when I am driving my car, I whisper prayers or meditate on scripture. It helps keep me calm and focus better, and it turns my anxiety around for the good because it is a constant reminder of my relationship with God.

2. God helps us overcome negative anxiety.

Jeremiah 17:8 says that the child of God will be nourished by Him and will not be anxious when trouble comes. Inward calm is an outgrowth of being close to God. I find myself in the process of overcoming anxiety, but with God’s closeness, it gets easier.

3. We can trust God.

Matthew 6:25-28 says not to be anxious about material needs, because there are things that are more important. In this passage, Jesus goes on to encourage his listeners to consider the lily and the sparrow and how they are cared for. How much more important are His children, He reasons. They can trust Him!

Recently, I had some financial worries. I prayed about them, and a day later, the issue was resolved. Things don’t always work out this well, but it is a reminder that He cares for me.

Three Things That Give Me Hope

First, with God's help, it is possible to rise above anxiety. Trust me, I know this is easier said than done. You may, like me, need professional help. It is important to find a good counselor if need be. But knowing the one who calms the sea and clothes the lilies goes a long way.

Second, this rising above comes as an outgrowth of knowing God and walking with Him. As we do so, He helps us find peace and overcome the tendency to worry.

The third thing (and this is my favorite) is that while He does command us not to worry, He knows that worrying about worry makes us worry more. This is why He gives us other, more positive things to think about: just think about the lily. Think about the sparrow.

How I Overcame

My driving is much better now. I am able to stay mostly calm and focused, even on days of heavy traffic or searching for houses in the middle of nowhere. Of course, there are anxiety battles in other areas of life as well, like when I find it hard to enjoy things like my nephew’s ball games because I’m worried about him doing well. It helps to know, though, that there is a power inside of me to calm and give clarity.

In Good Company

Obviously, I’m not the only one who suffers from anxiety. Anxiety affects about 40 million adults. But there is hope.
God’s overcoming power applies to everyone. We’re not alone in this tussle with anxiety. We’re not left to be condemned with no hope of breaking free, or stuck behind that red truck with sweaty palms and a racing heart. His power is strong in our weakness and enables us to get past those “red trucks.” His love and His grace are setting us
free.

So, if you’re struggling with anxiety know that:

1. You’re not alone. The great kings of the Bible were anxious too.
2. God doesn’t condemn you, and can help you grow into peace.
3. There is hope. Just think about the lily. Think about the Sparrow. And watch that “red truck” fade into the distance behind you.

Jessica Seale wants to encourage others through her blog Beautifully Broken.  It is a place where she shares what she's learned about brokenness, and inspires others to look at it differently.

Think you may be struggling with an anxiety disorder, like Jessica, but are afraid to see a professional counselor? Read this blog. You are not alone. 

 

A Rough Path in Life

Dawson McAllister saved my life when I was nineteen years old. I happened to be going through the radio stations on a Sunday night when I heard this soft-spoken voice. I tuned into his radio program, Dawson McAllister Live, more and more. I started to hear all of these people sharing their stories of hope and faith. I was going through a rough path in life at the time. I was suicidal, frustrated at the world, and ready to blow. But Dawson's radio program changed me, it was through him that I started to believe in Christ more.

A Brand-New Person

Thanks to Dawson's help and the help of the HopeCoaches at TheHopeLine I started to go down a better path. Since October 22, 2009, I have had zero suicidal thoughts, haven't self-harmed myself, and feel like a brand-new person each and every day.

Stand In the Gap

Now 10 years later, I participated in the Prayer Show with Dawson and Rachel Cardinal.  I am a Gapper which means I stand in the gap for others by going to God in prayer for them.

Dawson is a real big help to those that are in need, and I am glad that God put him in our lives!!
To God be the Glory!
-~ Charles

The hope that Charles found is available to you too! You are worthy and valuable. Read this - To Those Who Feel Worthless

Why You Should Reach Out to People

In high school, in the mornings, on the way to my locker, while everyone else was hanging out talking to each other, I noticed this girl, always sitting alone in her homeroom classroom...every morning, just sitting by herself.  I had no idea who she was; I had been at the same high school and with these same kids since middle school.  I pretty much knew who everyone was, but I didn't know this girl.

Little Effort, Great Reward

Well, after a few weeks of seeing her just sitting there, not talking to anyone I decided to just say hi, it couldn't hurt, right?  I knew what it was like to be at a new school, where everyone knew each other, and no one knew who-in-the-heck you were.  I had to change schools last year for just half the year while my stepdad was in the hospital and now, I was back at my old school, but those 6 months were challenging to say the least.  So, I knew what it was like to feel completely alone in a new school.

So, I went for it and just said hi. I learned she was an exchange student from Poland.  She spoke good English but with a heavy accent.  After introducing her to some of my closest friends and all of us hanging out before class for a few weeks, a friendship grew.  She told me she was living with a family that didn't treat her or their own daughter very well.  She wasn't allowed to do after school activities or the group exchange student activities.  After school, she had a list of chores to do and then just had to hang out in her room. The exchange parents were also very verbally abusive to their own daughter, and she had to witness it every day.

Make Someone's Day or Maybe Even Their Year

I decided this was no way for an exchange student to be living and I had to do something about it.  I went directly home and asked my parents if she could move in with us.  This might not be such a big deal except that we were already maxed out at my house.  We lived in a pretty small three-bedroom house.  I shared a room with my sister, and my three brothers shared a room, my stepdad was disabled so we were very short on money. No one was sure how it was going to work, but my parents agreed.

For the next 8 months, my Polish friend slept on an air mattress on the floor between me and my sister's bed.  I tried to alternate letting her have the bed, but she would not have it.  She was very happy to be away from that other family.  And even though my family was in no way an ideal family, she had to see us 24/7, at our best and our worst; she became one of my closest friends and part of our family for those 8 months.  She went back to Poland after her year as an exchange student ended and we stayed in touch.    Years later, she even wrote me a letter telling me how thankful she was for our friendship, for my family taking her in, and for that day that I decided to say hi. 

You can make someone's day by telling them "Come sit with us" or by just saying "hello."  So, the person might not be an exchange student living with an abusive family, but they might just be in need of a friend.
Your Friend,
Rachel Cardinal  

Friendships can be really hard, read more about how to make and keep friends in our free eBook!