It’s currently 1:35 am and I am wide awake. Thinking. Some nights are like this. I guess I do all my critical self-evaluation after midnight. That’s normal, right? After the dust of the day has settled, my brain goes wild. It doesn’t matter if I am having the best day or the worst, as soon as I climb into my bed, I start to think. And think. And think.

It’s safe to say, I can be a dweller. Not as bad as I once was, but I always have been to some degree. Sometimes out of fear. Sometimes due to anxiety. And many times, from a place of true logic. Most of the time it boils down to the fact, I am a feeler. I am insanely sensitive; something I used to attempt to hide because it made me feel weak. In truth, I love having a sensitive heart. It allows me to love deeply and care compassionately for just about anyone or anything and keeps me balanced and self-aware.

Sometimes too self-aware, to the point I can talk myself out of almost anything. When I get to this point, I can pretty much convince myself, or at least my mind, exactly what the right answer is.

Tonight, I am stewing over why I think so much. Counterproductive, I know. I’ve thought of that. I was having a conversation with one of my best friends about how sometimes I think so much into something, I miss out on a potentially good thing because I’ve made up my mind before I even get started. I know this about myself, but there’s something to be said when a true friend lays that out on the table, especially when you know it’s coming from a place of love. I also know that I’ve likely shaved years off my life due to stress, mostly over matters that always sort themselves out. I’m confident I’ve missed out on some pretty great experiences and relationships due to this ingrained poor habit.

I consider myself a very self-aware person, which is good, but I know when I’m going down a rabbit hole. This dwelling trait I’ve developed over the past 20+ years has been one of the most difficult habits to shake. The good news? I’ve made great progress because I’ve narrowed down what triggers this self-destructive behavior. I thought (there I go again) I would share what I believe are the deeper issues that lead to the relentless attack on our minds.

Fear

I trust my judgment, but I’m realizing that I don’t feel confident making any sort of decision until I am absolutely certain it won’t hurt me, or anyone involved. I’m a feeler, remember? I am terrified to get hurt or hurt someone I care about. So, unless I am confident that I can commit to something or someone, I am too scared to take a leap of faith. I hold back.  I put up a brick wall. I’ve done this as far back as I can remember, especially in relationships...and most certainly at the beginning of one.

Why? Because the fear of abandonment is scarier to me than not loving at all.

But you know what that’s done for me? Nothing. I spend so much time thinking about a particular situation, I end up missing the good moments or ruining the outcome. I overthink. I think until I’ve come up with 100 different reasons why something is or isn’t for that matter, a bad idea. It was time for a change, and I made one. I’ll get to that in a minute.

Lack of Confidence & Lack of Trust

Like everyone, I have flaws. I have insecurities. I have layers that, at times, I would prefer to keep to myself. This stems from a lack of confidence that I may not be lovable to the other person. Which is absolutely absurd, but human nature? We all want to be loved, but let’s face it if you want to find your husband, or wife, you’re likely going to have to date a few of the wrong people before you meet the right person. Just because it doesn’t work out with Joe Schmo, doesn’t make you unlovable, it makes you human. It’s called dating for a reason.

Again…Why?

It goes right back to the fear. In this world, it seems nothing lasts forever and that scares me more than almost anything. Even more, than spiders scare me. There is one thing I’m confident of; if I keep letting what our culture shows me to define my thoughts on my personal life, I am going to end up in a very sad place.

So, I spent time learning how to love and believe in myself to the point that when something doesn’t work out, I understand it’s not because I’m not capable of achieving that thing and it certainly isn’t because I’m not lovable. With the help of Jesus and self-reflection, I’m now securely rooted in my belief of what sets my future apart from “the world”.  I’m a follower of Jesus. If I never get married that’s okay. But if, and when I do, my person will have the same understanding of what committed love looks like. If both me and my husband love God first, it will be very hard not to love each other well.

Control

This is a big one. When you give your heart to something or someone, you’re giving up control.  You can’t fully love someone and still have control of your heart; not to the extent you may want. It’s scary. I want to control my heart. One of my favorite parts of the book The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller quotes C.S. Lewis to depict the vulnerability that love takes.

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

Every time I read that, it resonates straight to my scared and broken heart.

So, how did I change this?  And if you deal with the same thing, how can you change?

1. Get out of your head.  Fear is the opposite of faith. It’s essentially telling God you don’t trust him. Sure, you have to make wise choices, but you don’t have to worry yourself sick because there’s a chance you could make the wrong decision. Although I’ve seen loved ones get abandoned, I’ve never personally been abandoned by anyone. No family member, no friend, no boyfriend.

It’s funny the way fear works. Most of the time, what we fear most, never happens. The fact that I have so much going on in my head, is where the problem lies. I wish I could tell you I take most of my worries to the Lord first, but that wouldn’t be truthful. I think. I over-analyze. I talk about it with my sister. I think. I research. THEN I take it to God. But, when I put God before my fear, the other steps never get any face time.

Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death.

2. Love the Lord More than you Love…Anything.

In the book, Uninvited, Lisa Terkeurst makes numerous valid points about fear, rejection and the truth about how to overcome it. There’s only one way. God.

In this book she says, “God must be your fortress. A fortress is a strong, high place. It’s the place God lifts you up so fear can no longer have access to you. Fear can’t catch what it can no longer reach. What a comfort is this. God lifts you high like this when you lift your soul in worship of His holy name.”

Finding the truth in the fact that God is the only one who can love you the way you’re truly desiring is the first step to overcoming fear, low self-esteem and the need for control. When you’ve mastered that concept and begin living like that, life decisions don’t seem so scary.

When you finally love the Lord more than you love the idea of love, you’ll stop putting unrealistic expectations onto another imperfect human. That guy you’re dating isn’t designed to make you feel so loved that his bad day and lack of attention can utterly derail you. It’s not fair to expect him to make you feel 100% loved, 100% of the time. It’s also not possible, so until you come to terms with that, you’re going continue to be let down and grabbing for the control in order to feel secure again. What I can assure you of is, if you aren’t sowing into your relationship with God, then that sick habit of needing the perfect guy is going to flare up, over and over.

Look, we’re never going to conquer perfection. You’re not. I’m not. He’s not. AND THAT’S OKAY. But we can change our habits that hinder our ability to love well. Once I was able to put my fears and doubts to rest, I was capable of loving my friends, family and a significant other in a much healthier and happier manner. Cast your burdens on the Lord and let the rest fall into place. I promise you’ll find a peace that cannot be overcome by fear of the world we live in.
-Aimee

Aimee Wathan is a 32-year-old Nashville female who loves Jesus and looks at life for what it is; messy and beautiful. After writing for Christian magazines and nonprofit blogs, Balanced Chaos came to life when she realized the world needed a raw dose of reality.

 

I Lost My Little Brother

Two years ago my brother, Kevin, died. He died from a brain tumor called a Diffused Intrinsic Pontine Glioma (DIPG). My brother meant the world to me. He was younger than me and we loved to do everything together. He loved superheroes...Ironman and Batman were his favorites.

My Friends Didn't Know What to Say

When my brother was diagnosed with his cancer all my friends started acting distant, and then when he died, they all basically left me. They acted like they were there for me, but when I would try to talk to them they didn't know what to say and just drifted off into their own world together that I didn't fit into any longer. The grief I felt losing my brother is indescribable. A year after my brother died my friends said to me, "you need to move on and be happy again." They had absolutely no right telling me that. To this day when I tell people about that they cringe and can't believe they said that either. There is no way that you can just "get over" your grief.

They say that there are seven stages of grief. If that's true, then I still go through those seven stages every day, two years later.

Grief  Takes Time

Basically, what I want to say is that grief takes time. There is no limit to how long you are allowed or not allowed to grieve. Friends should not tell you to move on or abandon you because they don't know how to handle you in your deep sadness.

Grief is no easy thing to handle. A lot of people give up. I nearly have. I've been to a psych ward for two weeks because of depression caused by my brother's death. I've also had many health conditions since he died.

Please don't let anyone tell you to get over it and get on with your life because, unless they have gone through what you are going through, they simply don't understand. Keep strong. I'll keep trying if you keep trying.  - Kevin's big brother

Have you lost someone you love? Does your heart ache with grief? Read Jordan Zehr's story about the end of his grieving process. He is part of HeartSupport‘s blog team. 

Before I Became a Christian and Pornography Addiction

My life before Jesus Christ is an interesting story. I was not brought up as a Christian. I used to be a Muslim.  When I was 9 years old, my family moved from Iran where I was born and raised and came to Texas due to a job offer my dad got. In middle school, I started to lose my faith and relationship with God. All of the issues in the world, especially the issues of terrorism and wars over religion caused me to stop believing in religion. I began to just focus on my selfish desires and going after immoral things.  I began to develop a problem with pornography addiction. When I entered high school, my main focus was on pornography and sex chat rooms, instead of God or my studies.

God Used a Movie to Get My Attention

I had lost hope in living my life.  I would ask God to end my life, so I could burn in hell and be punished for my sins. Then everything changed when I saw the movie, Son of God.  God used that movie to help me regain my interest and desire for religion. After watching the movie, Son of God, I asked one of my friends if he knew of good churches in our area. He invited me to go with him to his Baptist church that Sunday. At first, I thought he was joking with me, but he was serious. When I went to that church, I fell in love with it and with God's Word. After that experience, I decided to become a Christian. So, on Easter 2014, I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior!

My Family Was Against my Faith

When my family found out, they argued with me and tried to convince me that Christ is just a prophet, not the son of God.  They wanted me to wait until I was 18 to become a Christian.

However, on August 10th I was baptized against my family's will. My older brother threatened that I would be dead to him if I got baptized. However, I still did it because that was God's will for me. My life after accepting Christ has not been easy. I keep getting persecuted for my faith. Every time I do something wrong, my parents tell me how can you do this and be a Christian or go to church.

God's Message to Me

I have had times in my life where I thought God has given up on me, but through prayer and reading the Bible I was able to learn more about God's great love for me. In my life, I feel I have had many miracles.

My first miracle was on Christmas Eve.  At the end of the service, I heard God's voice in my head saying, come home Reza, come home again to me. After I heard that voice, I went and prayed with a pastor. My second miracle was a time when God told me who I am.  He showed me that I am his child that He loves me and has great plans for me. Another time God spoke to me through his Word.  He told me that I should let him work things out with my brother. The most recent miracle came at a time when I was feeling depressed. As I prayed, I saw Jesus giving me his hand. It was as if he was saying, "put your trust in me and I will help you get through this day."

What I have I learned from being a Christian is that, if it is God's will, it will happen, no matter what. My favorite Bible verses are 

Romans 6:14, "For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under the law but under grace."

Romans 6:23 says: "For the wages of sin is death, but Gods free gift is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord."
In Christ Alone, Reza

Are you struggling with an addiction to pornography, know there is hope and Jesus loves you. Through His grace, you are forgiven and you can overcome your addiction.

The equation for a healthy relationship and how to tell if you’re in one or ready for one.

Relationships can be tough. They take work. They take commitment. They can’t give up when it gets hard. They should strive to, not only see the good in the person but also help each other become the best version of themselves.

 Anyone who argues that is a prime candidate for this post. 

So, what’s the magic equation for a healthy relationship?

I’m not sure there is one, but I can certainly think of some qualities and habits that are essential for beating the odds.

Common Beliefs/Lifestyle

This tops the list for a reason. I don’t care how great your communication or loyalty is with your significant other if you don’t have this, all other aspects that make a relationship good will eventually become a colossal challenge.

How do I know? Because I’ve lived it. And I’ve watched nearly all of my friends live it too.

I would argue that nearly all relationships start with a physical attraction. It’s just the reality of it, so let’s be adults and admit it. The whole “love is blind” cliche quote was likely derived from this stage. At the beginning of every relationship, or heck even a mini crush (as my girlfriends in college used to refer to them as), you become wrapped up in getting to know the person. The basic stuff. The exciting stuff. The areas that this person chooses to reveal to you. I’m not saying people aren’t open books – I most certainly am from the beginning of a relationship, but even red flags are ignored, or worse; seem endearing – almost as if you’re the only person they’ve ever let in on that deep of a level.

But once the excitement of this new relationship wears off, where do you two stands? Do you agree on the big things? Faith? Family? How you want to live your life? Ask yourself that and be honest with the answer.

As I’ve gotten older and moved halfway across the country, it’s become increasingly more difficult to detect this critical aspect of a relationship early on. Almost entirely because I don’t know these guys from Adam, unlike when I lived in Nashville and had at least 20 mutual friends with a prospective boyfriend. My advice?  Take a few weeks to get to know this person in a group setting.

This will help you learn more about the person before you engage in an emotional connection. This can protect you, to some degree, from having your heart override knowledge. One-on-one time forms habits, emotional ties and comfort zones which lead to overlooking the big stuff like – common beliefs and lifestyles. Don’t believe me? Go find a handsome and witty guy, who you have nothing in common with other than attraction and tell me that charm doesn’t make you feel attached. Kidding. Mostly.

Communication

Of course, communication is key, but I’m not talking about word vomiting because you feel entitled to hash out every rational or irrational thought you’re having. Your significant other isn’t a sounding board for your insecurities. I learned that the hard way.

There is a right and wrong way to communicate. You must learn to communicate with your partner in a way that resonates with him or her. You can talk about how you’re feeling all day long, but if the other party interprets the message or tone wrong, you will get absolutely nowhere. If you’re confused about why you’re having the same conversation time and time again, ASK QUESTIONS. The best thing I learned during a relationship-building course at church was during discussions or arguments, ask the other person what they heard from you. It seems cheesy, and both he and I laughed through it (probably not great because the other couples were in marriage crisis mode and we were in the honeymoon phase), but it worked.

I highly recommend reading the book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It will give you a better understanding of how that person feels loved and better insight into their communication style because of how they love. It creates awareness of each other’s needs.

It’s imperative that both of you feel comfortable and confident enough that the conversations you two have will only build more respect and understanding for one another. If you have bottled up feelings or resort to harsh tones, it will only build resentment and likely ruin your communication because one, or both of you, will emotionally shut down.

Quality over Quantity

I love making memories. Anything from talking over coffee on the porch, cooking together, running errands, or special events.  I don’t need to go on extravagant trips with my person to feel like it’s quality time. What I desire, and I think most people desire, is a real connection. Having someone in the room with you during all your free time doesn’t automatically make the relationship blossom. If you’re not investing thought into creating memories, you’re not doing yourself or the relationship justice.

Maintain Independence

Spending time with your other half is important but reserving time for friends and your hobbies is as equally important. I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again…that person is in your life to share it, not be it. I love reading, riding my bike or even just watching a movie alone. I also love hanging out with my girlfriends. If I know one thing, it’s that all of my friends are there to pick up any broken pieces during or after a relationship. Treat the people in your life with just as much love as you treat your significant other. Trust me. He wants to hang with his buddies without you sometimes too.

Respect, Positivity, and Forgiveness

I’m using all of these as verbs. Action verbs. The act of being respectful, positive and forgiving. During the course of your relationship, you can pretty much count on cycling through each of them. On repeat.

Both of you must respect each other to the highest degree. This means trusting, honoring, being loyal, and acting as each other’s biggest fan. There is nothing worse for a man than hitting his pride, especially in front of others. Men are wired differently than women. He needs to feel respected. He needs to feel like you’re supportive and proud of him. He wants to lead. The moment you begin to take that away from him is the moment he begins to internalize. Disrespect is going to happen (on accident) because let’s face it, we women are emotional and when we don’t feel loved we tend to react. But that’s where forgiveness comes into play. Just be sure to own up to your actions, ladies.

Men: On the other hand, we women, are rooted in needing to feel loved. It’s just the way God created us.  You need respect, even if that means we must bite our tongue until after the dinner party, and we need love. Do we need flowers every week? No, although that would be okay 🙂 We want to hold hands, to be told you think we’re pretty, to feel adored in public, to feel cherished. I once had a boyfriend who would bring me coffee in the mornings or leave notes on my car windshield. He would send me songs that made him think of me and hold my hand every time we were in the car. He would fill up my gas tank and take pictures of me when I wasn’t looking, just because he thought I was being cute. I felt SO loved. On the other hand, I’ve dated someone who bought me nice things, had people run errands for me because he was busy and slapped my butt as he walked by.

Yet, he also bought me flowers every week. Still, I felt blah. Do you see the difference? Okay, good.

I could go on for days about dating, but I will stop there. It’s a lot to take in. If you’re in a relationship, I encourage you to take this post into account and make adjustments where it’s needed. If you’re like me, and the closest thing you have to a boyfriend or girlfriend is your dog, I urge you to allow this to soak in and practice these habits in your next relationship.

Reach out and let us know your success stories or your biggest dating flops in the comments below. 🙂
LOVE,
Aimee

Aimee Wathan is a 32-year-old Nashville female who loves Jesus and looks at life for what it is; messy and beautiful. After writing for Christian magazines and nonprofit blogs, Balanced Chaos came to life when she realized the world needed a raw dose of reality.  This article was originally published at Balanced Chaos.

Do you seem to be caught in an endless cycle of bad dating relationships? Find out how to stop in TheHopeLine's free eBook.

My name is Megan. I broke up with my boyfriend.  We had a long-distance relationship for a year and a half. During that time, he would say how much he loved me and that he couldn't live a life without me, and everything will be perfect when we are finally together in the same room one day. But those words were deceitful.  He gave me this high hope. I worked so hard to save money so I could visit him. We'd been through so much together. I was blind to how I was being treated.

A Deceitful & Hurtful Relationship

I gave up a lot for this relationship. He said love is jealous, so I lost friends because he was very possessive. I even lost a career because he didn't like my manager.  He said the manager cared too much about me.  My boyfriend demanded I talk with him when he had problems. I was always there to cheer him up. When he had issues, I was there to listen and to give him my opinion, when he asked for it. I gave him my all, but he never appreciated it.

He said all I ever wanted was an argument with him. If I confronted him about things, he would say we were not in sync. He would blame me for every mistake he made. When he got angry, he would talk to people online and tell them he was sick of me and call me names. Then he would later apologize to me and somehow convince me it was all my fault. He would say if I just wouldn't argue with him then he wouldn't do that.

Enough Is Enough

He has broken my heart too many times. He cheated on me, but then would come to me crying saying all the right words. I was angry and disappointed, but I forgave him. He knew I would forgive him, so every time he would blame me for everything, he did wrong. It was always about me not making him happy.

Finally, I realized I was a fool to keep the relationship going with the hope he would change. He didn't.  I began wondering if I am a weak person. Why would I love this man so much that I would allow myself to become so attached to him? I finally broke up with him. It was the hardest thing to do, and it hurt me a lot. I cried for days.  I hoped that he would at least call me and ask if I was alright. He didn't. I called my mom and she prayed for me in tears as she had to bear all my pain every time this man hurt my feelings.

A Search for Hope

Not wanting to cause my mom any more pain, I searched the internet for advice on my problem. That's when I found TheHopeLine. As soon as I logged in to chat, there was a coach available to talk to me. I didn’t expect it would work, because I had no idea how to make heartbreak go away. But it really helped change my perspective. I told the coach my problem and the coach listened patiently and gave me some advice. It really touched my heart. Why would a stranger bother to listen and to give advice and pray for me? I felt like I was all alone with my pain, but here was someone willing to listen to me.

The coach asked me if I believed in God and tears started falling down my face. I had forgotten God for a long long time. Even though I had a good Christian upbringing, when I went to college, I left it all behind. I thought God had forgotten me too because I had betrayed Him. When my mom prayed with me, I let her because that's what she wanted. But when the coach asked me if she could pray for me, I knew I needed it more than anything. It gave me peace. I realized God had never left me...all this time He was around...watching me.

I know it is not an accident that I went to look for something to read and ended up at TheHopeLine. God led me here when I had no idea how to process heartbreak. I felt so dirty and so sinful. I felt I didn't deserve God, but then my mom told me if you still feel guilty, it shows that God loves you because you can still feel it. If your heart becomes so stone cold and feels nothing, it means you reject God. That very moment I knew God never left me even though I turned my back on Him. He's been there waiting for me, and He is using all that I am going through to lead me home to Him. I feel ashamed of myself, but also so grateful because God reached out to me through the coaches at TheHopeline.

It's a journey

I still struggle with my emotional pain. A HopeCoach reminded me that there is no easy way to fix my broken heart. In fact, sometimes we can be tempted to harm ourselves when we don't know how to get through heartbreak pain. When I wanted to harm myself, something held me back, and I went to talk to a coach instead.

The talks with the coach really pushed me back to being rational. I could not harm myself for what I felt inside. It would not solve my problem. It would just keep me broken. I couldn't do that to my parents or fail the coaches that God had provided for me. Why would I doubt that God couldn't help me through this?

I can't let a broken heartbreak my life. There is a choice between giving in to my pain or giving it all to God. I choose the second. I decided to let God give me the strength to endure my moment of pain, to let God walk with me in my darkest time, to let Him hold my hand and show me the way to deal with my brokenness.

The HopeCoach suggested I read blogs on this site, and, of course, read the Bible. It helped me a lot and I began to see myself more clearly. There are lots of people who suffer more than me, yet they aren't giving in or giving up. We all have our own problems, even the coaches. Yet the coaches give their time to help someone in their time of need.

Hurt Again, but Stronger with God

After 3 weeks, suddenly my ex called me. He was drunk and crying. I asked what happened? He said after we broke up, he found someone else. He fell in love with her so bad, and he already had sex with her. But then he did something that made her breakup with him. Hearing this stabbed me right through my heart. He kept on talking of how much he loves the girl and that he can't lose her as she is the love of his life. He tried to kill himself to show how sorry he was to this girl. It caused my heart to break again to realize he didn't feel anything for me while I was in pain.

But I knew the right thing to do, so I told him what the HopeCoaches had told me...to kill yourself over a broken heart is not wise.

I asked if I could pray for him.  He said OKAY, even though he didn't believe in God. I put aside all my pain because his life was at stake. I asked God to give me strength because if God leads him to talk to me, then may I do that according to God's will. So, I told my ex, "Your life has a purpose, and to end your life because of a broken heart is just not fair."  He thanked me for always being there, but then once again blamed me! He said all of this wouldn't have happened if I hadn't broken up with him.

After that, I was just numb. My heartfelt cold. I just cried out to God. What is it He wants to teach me? I reached out to a HopeCoach again before I allowed myself to be flooded with bad thoughts. The coach encouraged me and prayed for me. I realized God did not let me down. I don't know where I got the strength to keep my cool when my ex called me. Somehow God filled my heart with compassion...giving me the ability to help my ex realize that no matter what happens, our lives have a purpose, and that God loves him and cares about him.

God's Love is Greater Than a Broken Heart

Through this whole experience, my heart was torn to pieces, but it is still working and is actually stronger than it was before. I have learned the only true and unfailing love comes from God.   I am grateful that God showed me His Love. A love so deep that he gave His only Son to die for our sins. Jesus experienced all the pain and hurtful things that we do and so much more. He died for people who were cursing him, rejecting him, and demeaning him. He demonstrates a love that conquers all that.

Humans can hurt each other in every worst way, but God's love conquers it all. That's what I have come to understand from my experience. Yes, I still feel down sometimes, but I'm no longer lost. God is putting me back together. He is shaping me. I trust He wouldn't let me go through all this without a purpose. I know He has a plan for me. A great one!

I want to thank all the coaches who have been there for me in my time of need, you are all God's hands. Thank you to everyone who shared their stories here. Reading all the stories gives me strength. That is the power of sharing! God bless you all.

And last but not least...Thank you, God, for this wonderful site, wonderful people, and wonderful love you let us share with each other even though we are all strangers. You are wonderful, God! There is none like You! Let us all be the living proof that You are God. Amen.

If you are questioning whether your relationship is healthy or toxic, we are here to help you through this.

I grew up in a Catholic home and had developed a huge resentment towards organized religion and the idea of God. I saw people go to church, preaching about being a person of God, then leave church to go treat others who were different than they were in a hateful, condemning manner. My ideas and beliefs didn’t fit into the strict mold of the Catholic religion. I believed that there was no creator of the universe because, in my mind, everything could be explained by science.

After being beaten down from drug addiction and multiple suicide attempts, I came to a point where I had no choice but to be willing to believe in a personal God of my own understanding. This is my story of how I accepted the love of God.

A Turning Point

I had tried to overdose on heroin several times, but each time I had been around other people who made sure I got medical attention. Each time, I was revived and woke up angry. I had been using heroin intravenously for four years, and it simply wasn’t working anymore. I couldn’t get high like I had been able to in the past and my life revolved around using. My days consisted of desperately finding a way to make money, to get drugs, to get high, and then worry about how I would make more money. It was an endless, miserable cycle. I saw no way out other than death, so I found a quiet place away from others where I was positive, I had enough heroin that would kill me.

When I woke up, something was different. I wasn’t angry this time. I decided to seek out help from a detox and treatment facility where I was introduced to sober women who had overcome their obsession to use drugs. They unabashedly explained to me that I had two choices. One was to continue living the way I was living until I finally succeed at suicide or accept the love and care of a God of my own understanding.

A Realization

I began to pray and meditate, to the best of my ability, because I couldn’t bear the weight of addiction and my suicidal thoughts any longer. One day, I was doing a guided meditation before bed and a realization that I was blessed beyond belief came over me.
The numerous times I had overdosed, I was always saved. Even when I was alone, I somehow woke up. Regardless of the countless dangerous situations, I had placed myself in, I was miraculously kept safe and unharmed. In this moment I came to believe that some kind of power greater than myself was responsible for the entire essence of my existence.

I had done horrible things in the past. I lied, cheated, stole, and manipulated when I was in active opiate addiction. I came to the realization that everything that I had in that very moment was nothing short of a blessing from God. I had no money, yet I was given a place to live. I hated myself, yet women were placed in my life to show me love. I was a dishonest person, yet people still wanted to listen to what I had to say. I had caused so much harm, yet I was given so much grace. Due to my actions in the past, I don’t deserve the beautiful life I have today. However, God saw fit to keep me alive and give me a purpose in life.

An Ultimate Test of Faith

My God is loving and kind. He does not condemn when I make a mistake, but rather gives me a chance to learn from my wrongs to grow as an individual. My God is always there, I do not have to seek him. The only thing I have to do is speak to Him, listen to Him, and most importantly - have faith in Him.

Believing in a higher power is knowing that there is a God, but faith is much harder. Faith is an undying, unconditional trust that God will provide exactly what I need. Faith means that no matter what situation occurs in my life, it is all a part of a grand plan that will, in the end, turn out okay. Faith is trusting that God is not only protecting me, but He is protecting my family and friends as well.

Nine months into my sobriety, my dad had a stroke. I was over 1,500 miles away from home and felt dire guilt that I wasn’t able to be there to be with him in the hospital. I was told that they may have to do open heart surgery. Fear set in. I hadn’t seen my dad since I had gotten sober, and I was terrified that I may never be able to see him again if the surgery did not go well. I felt shame that there was a possibility that I may never get the opportunity for him to see how much I had changed. The only thing I could do was pray. Despite the fear and lack of control that I experienced, I was forced to trust in God that my dad would be okay.

In seeking this trusting relationship, I needed something more. This is when I began to go to a non-denominational Christian church where I have become an active participant. I was able to gain the support I had been looking for from other members of the church. They shared with me how their experience in trusting God had helped them overcome hard times. I began to change my conception of God into one where I accepted Jesus into my life.

In the end, the doctors found a medicine that worked well for him so he didn’t have to have the surgery then, but it is still a possibility in the future. If this happens, I know it will hurt, but my faith will be tested once again. Regardless of the outcomes of difficult situations, I must find peace in the trust that I have in God and Jesus Christ.

A New Life

Today, I have an understanding of the spiritual principles underlying behavior change in people who suffer from substance abuse. Through the acceptance of a loving God in my life, I can honestly say that the obsession to drink and drug is something that I no longer suffer from. Prior to having faith in God, I was consumed with these thoughts. It is nothing short of a miracle that I am sober today and live a peaceful life.

I am blessed with a job where I work with a team of intelligent, supportive individuals to spread awareness around addiction in the hopes that we reach the heart and soul of an individual who is still struggling.

I am blessed with a grateful outlook on life where I am able to see beauty and grace in the worst of times. I get to work one on one with women who are trying to stay sober by showing them exactly how I stay sober. In doing this, I get to watch the light come back on in people’s eyes. I get to watch hopeless, distraught women who want to die grow into outstanding individuals who are happy to be alive.

I am blessed to have a God who listens and provides whenever feelings of sadness or doubt return. I am able to see past difficult situations with the trust that the outcome is in the hands of God.

For somebody who was once suicidal and painfully addicted to heroin, the ability to wake up each morning and breath in fresh air is a wonderful thing. In accepting the love of God through Jesus Christ, I am truly and irrevocably blessed.
If you’re struggling with addiction, we are here to help. Your healing is possible, and it can begin now.

Cassidy Webb is a 24-year-old avid writer from South Florida.  She advocates spreading awareness on the disease of addiction. Her passion in life is to help others by sharing her experience, strength, and hope.

If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. For additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

An Adoption Plan

Hi, I'm Melanie. I had a surprise baby two months ago. He was not planned, and the day I had him I made the decision to put him up for adoption. It is a very open adoption so I am still able to be a part of his life. But I am struggling with depression after adoption because it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

No Regrets - I Wasn't Ready

I knew I was not even close to being ready to raise a child and be able to fully support him. I was having troubles with work, and anxiety, and stress. Yet I have never made a harder decision. I do not regret it, as my son's adoptive parents are amazing.

Depression After Adoption

Even though I don't regret it, it is still hard to not be around him. He presently lives 2000 miles away, so I am only able to see him in pictures and on video chat. It is definitely not the same thing as actually getting to see him and hold him. It has caused me to go through depression.  I'm not new to depression. I especially suffered from depression during my freshman year as I was bullied very badly at school and somewhat at home.

Grateful for my HopeCoach

But then I found this site! I was really struggling and needed good advice. The coach that I spoke to was amazing and probably the sweetest and most helpful person I have talked to in the last couple of months.
Full of Thanks! ~ Melanie

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Crazy in Love

I met this girl. She had a smile that made me melt inside. I began talking to her every day and quickly fell in love. We'd been talking about getting married and it felt so certain. It was all I wanted. No. She was all I wanted. I loved her with every ounce of my soul. She was part of me. I thought we were destined to be together. I loved her so much that if I wasn't talking to her I'd rather not talk at all. We used to just stare into each other's eyes and know that everything was gonna be okay as long as we were together. We didn't even need to talk sometimes we already knew what was going to be said.

She Cheated

But now, those three words that meant so much, mean so little. One night I was by myself and I felt like hearing her voice so I called her. She answered and while we were talking I hear her some guy in the background say "babe get off the phone already!" And I just cringed and told her that I had to go. My phone kept going off and it was her every time. I just sat there in my room considering what I thought were options. I wanted to die almost as much as I had wanted her. I felt so betrayed. I went on Instagram and was looking at her photos. I saw this guy in her comments and they were flirting with each other. I felt like the life was leaving my body. But it was just the love.

I ended the relationship. She said she was sorry and tried to "explain". There were no words to take away that kind of pain. This tore me up for months. I could hardly stand hearing her name. All of "our songs" were ruined. I felt like I climbed back inside the shell she forced me to break through. I hid from the sunshine and the possibility of finding someone else.

The Darkness Passed

But in the midst of this, I found myself. I suffered all those nights only to wake up every day. I thought so often about leaving this world behind, but now I realize I was so blind. I couldn't see that the darkness was only for the moment. I didn't know that it would pass. I thought it never would honestly.

But I'm telling YOU now that the dark moments in life are what define us. We can choose to sink in our issues until we're in over our heads or we could find a way, no matter how long it takes, to climb out of the deep darkness. You will be yourself again just give it time. Just breathe. There are better days ahead I promise you this.

From someone who's been there.  ~ Matt #brokenheart

Think your significant other may be cheating on you? Read 15 Signs Your BF-GF May be Cheating on You.

I Was Shook By My Best Friend's Suicide

If anyone would have told me that you were going to come and leave so quickly from my life, I would have smacked them and called them a fool.  We made it to 6 months. In those 6 months, you became my life. April, I have never met a more beautiful, bright, amazing and loving girl. You made me feel so far from alone. You made me feel like I mattered. You showed me the true definition of a best friend.

But you were always so sad. I tried to do anything I could to help you forget your troubles. We went out on dates, hung out every day, went and spent nights at the barn with your horses.  April, we did everything we thought best friends were supposed to do, but just when I thought you were the thing that saved me from me,  I got the worst news...that you took your own life. My best friend's suicide shook me to the core.

I Am Sorry I Couldn't Save You

April, I'm sorry I couldn't save you. You made me feel so much life where I thought I never would feel it again, you truly brought out the real me. I wasn't afraid around you and you never judged me.  I will not ever forget the last night I saw you. You called me and asked if I had a cigarette, and I saved my last one for us to share. When you came through my gate, your eyes were covered in tears. We sat and I hugged you and I told you we would get through this. That it was just another bump. You cried and told me that you couldn't take it anymore, that you hurt too much. We talked for about an hour, I cleaned up your tears, and we said we loved each other. You told me you would call me in the morning.

I never got that call, but you did that a lot so I didn't think much of it. Two days later I found out you overdosed. All I could think about was that I really wish I could have saved you. I wish I could have said something to change your mind. April, everyone says it was an accident, but I know the truth. You were so full of life, yet so broken inside. I wish you could have seen how loved you truly were.

My Best Friend's Suicide Was a Whole Other Type of Hurt

Losing someone you love to suicide is a whole other type of hurt. I lost my first friend when I was 19, to a murder. That hurt me in ways I thought were impossible. But losing you, April, knowing you were in my arms hours before you decided to depart the earth, makes my heart feel in ways I never knew I could feel. We may have been friends for less than a year, but you were one of the most amazing friends I have ever had.  April, you showed me what a real friend was and you showed me a true friend.

Suicide Doesn't End the Pain

April, losing you made me realize that I may be sad and I may want to die sometime, but I now fully understand the meaning of, "suicide doesn't end your pain, it only passes the pain on to the ones who love you".

Reach Out and Talk to Someone About Your Thoughts of Suicide

My message to anyone reading this and thinking about killing yourself....never be afraid to reach out and talk to someone! People love you! You are more beautiful and amazing than you think and you do have a purpose!

Sincerely,
April's Best Friend

If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. For additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.