What do the NFL and TheHopeLine have in common? Besides a shared love for teamwork, of course…

Answer: September 10, 2023

World Suicide Prevention Day happens to fall on the first weekend of the NFL’s 2023 season, and TheHopeLine is joining a group of professional quarterbacks in a special campaign called 40 for 40.

How to Handle Suicide Prevention

What is My 40 for 40?

We’re partnering with Stay Here to play a role in this collaborative campaign with the goal of changing a devastating statistic: every 40 seconds, someone dies from suicide.

40 for 40  has connected with other non-profit organizations like TheHopeLine, gotten the support of former and current NFL quarterbacks, and engaged a network of digital influencers to provide help for those struggling with suicidal thoughts and offer suicide-prevention training to equip others to save lives.

Over forty NFL quarterbacks will participate in a 40-second video project to raise awareness and connect the public with the resources Stay Here has coordinated across all these organizations. With the combined networks of everybody involved, 40 for 40 is set to reach over 250 million people and provide 100,000 people with counseling resources.

Can you imagine what a difference it could make for that many people to know who to reach out to for help? TheHopeLine is proud to be part of something this big.

What is Stay Here?

Much like TheHopeLine, Stay Here is a mental health organization dedicated to giving hope to those battling brokenness, depression, anxiety, self-harm, addiction and suicide.

They focus their mission on four important aspects of mental health:

1. Awareness. Stay Here wants to break the silence and end the stigma of talking about mental health struggles. They hope to create change in the heartbreaking statistics we see every day by speaking out about the battles of those who are affected by mental health issues and giving a voice to those who remain silent. They also want to teach others to stay present with those who are hurting and alone.

2. Community. Stay Here uses social media, live events, and small groups to foster accountability through community, which they believe is a key factor for anyone looking to find a fulfilling life while battling any type of mental illness. They don’t want anyone to feel alone.

3. Training. The Stay Here ACT Training teaches others how to spot suicide warning signs, and save lives all around you. The ACT Training is taught in six clear segments and takes approximately 45 minutes to complete. You can get trained to save lives here: ACT Training

4. Resources. Stay Here partners with like-minded organizations to connect people who are suffering with the help they need to realize their life is worth living.

TheHopeLine is one of those organizations that partner with Stay Here to help anyone who reaches out to them get connected with the resources they need. Their mission of hope is so close to our hearts that it’s in our name! And we look forward to working with them on World Suicide Prevention Day and beyond.

Why is Suicide Prevention Day Important?

The International Association for Suicide Prevention organizes World Suicide Prevention Day each year in an effort to “create hope through action.” The IASP says, “By encouraging understanding, reaching in and sharing experiences, we want to give people the confidence to take action. Preventing suicide requires us to become a beacon of light to those in pain. You can be the light.”

On this day, organizations around the world put extra effort into their awareness campaigns, education endeavors, and mental health resource sharing. The goal is to reduce the stigma around asking for help or talking about your emotional pain. Maybe one day we can live in a world where suicide is rare instead of one of our leading causes of death. The action call of Stay Here is for “Gen Z Will Be Suicide Free.” Together organizations are working to make that a reality. 

Death by suicide is preventable. That’s why awareness campaigns can make a difference. By bringing mental health conversations out into the open, awareness campaigns help to reduce the stigma that forces so many people to hide their depression and thoughts of suicide. By advertising accessible resources, awareness campaigns also offer a real lifeline to those who don’t know where to turn.

When well-known quarterbacks in the NFL openly participate in suicide awareness and prevention endeavors, the impact can be huge. If even one person gets connected to the help they need, that’s a success. But 250 million? That’s game-changing.

How Can We Help?

TheHopeLine will be providing Live Chat Support during the 40 for 40 campaign, as we do for our own site visitors year-round! You can always help by spreading the news about TheHopeLine, but if you’re looking for more ways to participate in World Suicide Prevention Day, here’s how you can pitch in:

• Ask Stay Here to visit your church or school. They do speaking engagements that educate large groups on mental health, and you never know who might be impacted by that kind of event.
• Ask your school or workplace to recognize Suicide Awareness Month. It’s every September, and World Suicide Prevention Day is only a small part of it.
• Organize an event or fundraiser of your own and donate to an organization that offers mental health resources to those in need (we’d be honored if you considered TheHopeLine. You can make a donation here - Donate 🙂). Put together a concert, a bake sale, a read-a-thon, or any kind of event that you think sounds fun and let folks know that their money will be going toward suicide prevention.
• Give a Hope Box to your church or school so they can connect students and young adults to TheHopeLine! You can order a Hope Box here: Store
• Share your own journey with mental health so that others know you’re a safe person to talk to about theirs. You don’t have to shout it from the rooftops, but being open and honest about your experiences when you’re chatting with friends can go a long way.
• Tell your friends and family directly that if they’re ever feeling low, you love them and you want them to stay here. It never hurts to be clear and say, “Hey! It’s Suicide Prevention Day, so I just want to tell you that you can come to me about anything.” 
• Text someone an encouraging message right now. Let them know they’re loved.
• Know your resources. You can check out what we have at TheHopeLine and refer anyone to chat with a Hope Coach.  You can also have 988 memorized or saved in your phone too—calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline might save a life.

Finally, if you are struggling with depression or thoughts of suicide, please know you’re not alone. Reach out to one of our Hope Coaches for support and know that your life is worth living. There is hope. Your life can be full of love and joy. All you have to do is stay here.

Feeling afraid isn’t fun, unless you’re one of those people who loves to watch scary movies… Most of us don’t enjoy that moment when your stomach drops to the floor, your breath hitches, and your heart rate starts to climb. It’s so unpleasant that we avoid it in most cases.

But! Feeling afraid means your brain is working properly. It means that your instincts have detected or predicted something to be a potential threat, and your brain wants you to be ready to run or fight. Feeling fear makes you human. It’s one of the most “normal” things in the world to be scared of something. But what happens if you’re scared of everything? Or if you feel scared all the time, even when you know you’re safe?

What to Know About Fear

What is Fear?

Simply put, fear is both an emotional response and a biochemical reaction. You become alert to the presence of danger because your brain floods with chemicals that tell your body to get ready for the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses. That’s incredibly useful if you're being chased by a serial killing clown with a chainsaw. Less so when you’re just trying to pass debate class with a fear of public speaking.

Your emotional response is when you start to assign positive or negative feelings to a particular experience of fear. Some people love the thrill of going to a hands-on haunted house every Halloween, so fear isn’t always necessarily a negative. On the other hand, if the very idea of standing up in front of others to argue a point has you quaking in your Converse, fear can create some real challenges.

The trick is our ability to tell the difference between the legitimate presence of danger and an imagined threat. 

When Fear Gets Out of Hand

“Constructive fear alerts us to an actual threat [and] keeps us safe from danger. Destructive fear alerts us to a non-existent threat. There is no actual threat, but our minds tell us there is,” says Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D.

If you’re afraid of being hit by a car, so you’re always careful to look both ways before you walk across the street, that’s constructive. Your fear is healthy. If you love yoga, but you’re afraid to let anyone see you in yoga pants, so you haven’t practiced yoga in years, that’s destructive. That fear is unhealthy and takes a negative toll on your quality of life. You may also want to address your fear if any of the following sound familiar:

• Worrying constantly about things that haven’t happened yet
• Avoiding painful experiences like eating in the cafeteria, upsetting a certain person, getting a bad grade, etc.
• Feelings of dread about the future
• Intolerance of uncertainty or not being comfortable until you have “all the facts”
• Indecisiveness because you’re afraid of making the wrong decision
• Overthinking to the point that you are losing time for important activities
• Not being able to think clearly because all you can think about is what could go wrong
• Feeling stuck in a negative situation but too afraid to seek change

Fearful thoughts that weigh on you to the point of limiting what you feel capable of doing are a sign that something deeper is going on. Perhaps you have some past trauma that needs to be resolved, or maybe you’re dealing with an undiagnosed anxiety disorder. At the very least, your mental health could use some TLC. You can learn how to overcome fear and live a healthier life with more freedom! Just take a deep breath and keep reading.

How Do You Gain Control Over Fear?

Let’s take another moment to appreciate your brain’s ability to process fear. Remember, there’s nothing wrong with you when you feel afraid. Your mind and body are supposed to do that. The only trouble is that your brain has a hard time recognizing when it’s time to let go of fear so that it doesn’t become destructive, and that’s something you can practice.

Here are a few helpful tips to overcome a fear:

• Take a few deep breaths. This might sound cliché, but taking deep breaths isn’t just a nice idea. Giving your body a moment to be calm, quiet, and breathe can actually impact your heart rate and your brain’s chemical balances. When you’re scared, your heart might race and stress hormones get produced in your body. Try this breathing exercise, then check out the rest of these tips

• Assess the facts. There’s a common trick for confronting fear called: F.E.A.R. False Evidence Appearing Real. Ask yourself two questions:
  • Right now, what exactly is it that my brain thinks would be scary or unpleasant about ________?
  • What is actually true about _______? If you can identify where your brain is relying on false evidence about a potentially scary situation, then you can challenge those thoughts by thinking through the truth, which is hopefully far less scary.

• Comfort yourself. If a little kid were scared of something, how would you treat them? You’d probably ask them what they’re scared of. You’d probably listen patiently as they explained, no matter how silly their fear might be. You’d probably hold them, hug them, or stroke their hair as they cry. You’d probably offer to investigate the closet for monsters or ride the slide with them so that they don’t have to do it alone. You’d probably offer them a yummy snack or suggest a nap, because those things would help them feel better. You’d comfort them. 

• Now, what do you do when you’re scared? Judge yourself? Tell yourself that you’re weak and stupid? Hide away from others and worry that you’re a burden? That simply won’t do. Feeling afraid takes a lot out of you! Be kind to yourself in more ways than one when you recognize fear taking over:
  • Recite calming prayers or affirmations of truth to combat your fearful thoughts.
  • Wrap yourself up in a favorite blanket and turn on an old favorite movie.
  • Take yourself on a walk to get coffee or ice cream to reward yourself for getting through a scary moment.
  • Go to bed early or take a nap so your body will have more energy to fight fear.
  • Call a friend and explain your fears to them so that they can’t fester.

• Confront avoidance. When we are afraid of something, sometimes it’s all too easy to ignore it. When that thing is spiders, that’s probably fine… it shouldn’t impact your life much to avoid spiders. When that thing is rejection, the only way to avoid it is to steer clear of relationships, which isn’t healthy or fun. You don’t have to climb a mountain every day if you’re afraid of heights, but try to be mindful when you find yourself avoiding activities or experiences to the point that it’s unhealthy. Avoidance may cut down on how often you encounter fear, but that fear will only grow in the meantime.

• Seek social support and professional help. Reach out to trusted friends and family about the fears you’re facing. They love you and want to be there to support you, so there’s no reason to go through this journey alone. If you feel like you need additional support and guidance, look for a licensed therapist who can help you determine where your fears come from, why they are controlling you, and what you can do about it. It may feel scary to talk to anyone about these things, but once your fears are out in the open, you might find that they feel a little smaller.

Just listen to Mr. Rogers! He once said, “Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.”

How Can Your Faith Help With Fear?

Depending on your translation, the Bible contains the words “be not afraid” or “do not fear” hundreds of times. Why? Well, I think it’s because God doesn’t want us to suffer under fear. Even Jesus felt fear, so it’s not that fear itself is the issue. God just doesn’t want a life of fear for us. That’s why Jesus offers us so many words of peace and comfort, extends kindness at every opportunity, and promises that when our feelings are burdensome, we can come to Him for strength and understanding.

The next time your fear tries to convince you that you’ll never survive another chemistry test or school play audition, remind yourself of what’s true: you are loved so fully that whether you fail, pass, land the lead, or forget your lines, your worth as a unique creation in the image of the divine is fixed. Nothing can change or challenge that worth, so fear doesn’t stand a chance when you decide to confront it from a place of knowledge, hope, and faith.

If you would like to talk to someone about your struggles with fear, feel free to reach out to one of our Hope Coaches today. You can also read more about mental health, anxious thoughts, and faith on our website.

Feeling overwhelmed? Asking yourself these six simple questions when you feel overwhelmed can help you identify the next steps and move past overwhelming situations.

If you’re here to figure out what kind of trauma you might have, the first thing you should know is that nothing in any of our articles is enough to diagnose yourself. Research is great! Consuming as much knowledge as you can is a good idea. The only thing that can really confirm and process what kind of trauma you might have is a discussion with a licensed mental healthcare professional. That said, here’s what we know about different types of trauma.

What to Know About the Types of Trauma

What are the different kinds of trauma?

Professionals seem to think about trauma in a number of ways:

Types of Traumatic Events

Traumatic events are the experiences that cause someone to be traumatized. For example, you may have heard of sexual trauma or religious trauma, but those terms are mostly specifying where a person’s trauma comes from. Every person’s trauma manifests in unique ways, no matter what their traumatic event was, and every kind of traumatic event can lead to PTSD or other mental health difficulties.

Examples of traumatic events include but aren’t limited to:

• Any kind of abuse
• Child neglect
• Bullying
• Domestic violence
• Violence in the community
• Natural disasters
• Medical trauma
• Sexual assault
• Sex trafficking
• Substance abuse
• Intimate partner violence
• Accidents
• War
• Refugee trauma
• Terrorism
• Intergenerational Trauma
• Collective trauma
• Racial trauma
• Financial trauma
• Traumatic grief
• Betrayal trauma
• Acoustic trauma
• Rape trauma
• Military trauma
• Mass shooting trauma
• Workplace trauma
• Birth trauma
• Law Enforcement trauma
• Incarceration trauma
• Religious Trauma
• Covid-19 trauma
• Vicarious/secondary trauma

It’s also important to remember that you can experience a traumatic event without developing the symptoms of emotional trauma or PTSD. Everyone’s mind and body process differently. If you do go through a traumatic event, however, it’s always a good idea to seek guidance and support.

Categories of trauma:

• Physical trauma is the bodily injury that may be caused due to a traumatic event. For instance, if your school bully or a physically abusive parent hurts you, the resulting scrapes, bruises, or broken bones would be your physical trauma.
• Emotional trauma is the psychological impact left on your heart and mind due to a traumatic event.

Three categories of emotional trauma:

While physical trauma can be defined as the bodily harm or injury caused by a traumatic event, there are three types of emotional trauma:

• Acute Trauma is a person’s response during and shortly after the traumatic event.
• Chronic Trauma is a person’s long-term response after prolonged traumatic exposure over time
• Complex Trauma is a person’s response to multiple traumatic events, related or unrelated to each other, though some consider complex trauma to fall under the umbrella of chronic trauma.

How to Overcome Trauma

If you suspect you’re dealing with any kind of trauma, you probably want to know if it’s even possible to heal. How do you work through trauma? It’s hard to imagine that you won’t feel broken forever. But there is hope. These days, there are some very effective methods for treating trauma and teaching your brain and body to feel safe and secure again. If you want to start your own healing journey, here are some steps and info:

• Know the symptoms. The symptoms of emotional trauma can mimic a lot of other mental health issues, such as anxiety and depression. You may notice intrusive thoughts and memories, trouble concentrating, mood swings, fatigue, or trouble sleeping. You might also feel less interested in activities or relationships that used to bring you joy and comfort. It looks different for everyone, so be patient with yourself. When in doubt, it’s best to get your questions answered. 
• Confirm your diagnosis. A licensed therapist can help you determine whether or not your suspicions are true and guide you toward the appropriate next steps for healing. They may recommend lifestyle changes that support your mind and body as those heal, or they may recommend discussing some of your symptoms with a doctor who can decide if medication might help. It’s very important not to try and self-diagnose or self-medicate.
• Seek treatment in trauma therapy. What is trauma therapy? It’s counseling with a licensed therapist who is knowledgeable in the most effective treatments for trauma. Do your research and find someone who’s trained in various trauma therapies.
• Rest. You’ve been through a lot. Give yourself a well-deserved break.

Types of Trauma Therapies

• EMDR, short for “eye movement desensitization and reprocessing,” which “uses rhythmic left-right (bilateral) stimulation to help people recover from trauma or other distressing life experiences.”
• Prolonged exposure (PE)
• Cognitive processing therapy (CPT), challenging perspective and perception of the traumatic event and beliefs/thoughts formed after.
• Trauma-focused cognitive behavior therapy (TF-CBT)

NOTE FROM VeryWellMind:

Not All Therapists Are Trauma-Informed.

Most therapists are exposed to trauma work in their training, but not all therapists are trauma-informed.

When finding a therapist and determining if their trauma training is a fit to your unique needs, you might ask the following questions:

• What training have you done in trauma-informed care?
• Do you consider yourself trauma-informed, and what does this mean to you?
• What is your approach to therapy with clients with trauma history?
• What kinds of clients do you work with, or what kinds of trauma do you work with?
• Are there any types of trauma that you do not feel comfortable or competent to work with?
• At what pace do you go when treating trauma?

“What Is Trauma-Informed Therapy?”
By Amy Marschall, PsyD 
Medically reviewed by Daniel B. Block, MD

With an informed professional, trauma therapy can help you reduce fear and avoidance, improve your coping skills, help you learn to trust others again, empower you to challenge problematic beliefs that came from the trauma, and give you validation if you’ve ever been blamed for or questioned about the truth of your trauma.

Can My Faith Help Me Heal from Trauma?

“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.” (2 Corinthians 4: 8-9,16)

If you are dealing with trauma, you may be heartbroken, but you survived. You may feel broken, but you are still alive. Despite everything you’ve been through, you have a future full of potential. The fact that your brain and body aren’t able to function the way they used to is proof that they have done their job: to protect you from further harm, just as God created them to. 

Your job now is to have faith that your brain, body, and soul will do the job of healing, which God also gave them the ability to do. You will need support along the way, so you must also trust the experts and resources that God has made available to you. He has not abandoned you, and in fact, He has given you the tools for renewal. One of His names in the Bible is Healer. You are healing bit by bit even as you read this.

If you’re looking for mental health resources or just need someone to talk to, please reach out to one of our Hope Coaches today. You are never alone, and we always listen without judgment.

Some relationships leave us with very deep scars from trauma. Click here for help and resources for PTSD from an abusive relationship.

How to Handle Codependent Relationships

What Is Codependency?

The word “codependency” comes from the 1950s, when Alcoholics Anonymous coined it to describe those who are in a relationship with an addict. They realized that when it comes to addiction, those who love the addict can often enable, perhaps unintentionally, the addiction behavior because they need to feel needed.

Now, the term is used outside the context of addiction, too. It often describes a toxic dynamic between two people (sometimes a group or family) in which there's an imbalance of give and take. The “giver” is so concerned about keeping the “taker” happy that they lose track of their own self-worth, emotions, or even opinions. The “taker” becomes dependent on the “giver’s” lack of boundaries, therefore fulfilling the “giver’s” need to be needed. And the cycle continues…

https://youtu.be/b7A8cc3-lYY

Codependency can happen in friendships, in dysfunctional families, in romantic partnerships, or even in work relationships.

What Are the Signs of Codependency?

You might be the “giver” if:

• You want to feel needed, so you make yourself indispensable to the other person’s life. This could look like being around whenever they need you, keeping your schedule free for them despite your own needs, rescuing them from the consequences of their mistakes, etc. 
• Every time that person acknowledges how grateful they are, you are filled with satisfaction.
• You might feel resentful of others when they don’t seem to notice everything you do for them, or perhaps when they don’t reciprocate your decision to anticipate their every possible need.
• You continue to be available and do whatever they ask of you, even if you’re uncomfortable or don’t have time.
• You might eventually feel trapped because the relationship status quo depends on you continuing to have no boundaries.
• You feel that if you voiced this imbalance, the other person won’t want you around anymore.
• You avoid any conflict with the other person, also called “walking on eggshells.”
• You say “sorry” a lot, even if you’ve done nothing wrong.
• You have no time for yourself.
• A relationship that seemed good at first becomes filled with stress because neither person is satisfied.

This is not an exhaustive list, as codependency can be sneaky or look different in certain situations. If this list resonated with you, check out more examples in “How to Stop Being Codependent” from VeryWellMind.

What Causes Codependency?

The root of codependency is a poor concept of self. In other words, without valuing yourself enough to be able to recognize your own needs, you can easily fall into that “giver” role of meeting other people’s needs to feel satisfied. But how does that happen? There are a few theories:

• The prefrontal cortex in your brain could be underdeveloped in a way that makes it hard for you to shut off empathy—a recipe for a “giver” with no boundaries.
• Psychologically, you may just have a very helpful nature, or you may have suffered from childhood trauma, neglect or emotional abuse.
• Your surroundings and culture can have an impact as well. Socially, women may feel expected to be mothers or homemakers by default, making them predisposed to the “giver” role. The addiction rates where you live could also increase your chances of falling into codependency. You may have grown up with a codependent family member who modeled bad habits for you rather than healthy ones.

No matter the cause, it is possible to become aware of and heal from codependent behavior.

How Can I Break Free of Codependency?

One of the crucial elements in healing from codependency is learning to set boundaries with yourself and others. What does it look like to set boundaries? First, you have to be aware of your needs. Look at the signs and symptoms of codependency you’ve identified, and try something that might help you protect your time, energy, and mental health.

That may look like getting up 10 minutes early so you can enjoy a cup of coffee by yourself with no demands from others. It could look like staying home at least 3-4 nights a week to protect you from getting burned out socially. It might also look like distancing yourself from certain people or locations, if you determine being near them isn’t healthy for you.

It’s important that your boundaries center around your behavior, not others. For example, telling someone “you can’t drink anymore” isn’t a personal boundary. Telling them that “if you drink around me, I will need to leave,” makes it clear that the other person can do what they choose, but you will protect your own sanity no matter what.

Start small–a boundary doesn’t have to be a huge life change, and it will take practice. Learning to trust yourself to keep one small boundary can give you the confidence to do more. When you’ve decided on boundaries, the next step is communicating those boundaries to people in your life. Their support can be a great help as you get better at sticking to new boundaries, and if someone doesn’t support you in your new boundaries, that’s good information to have.

Boundaries are not easy—if you feel overwhelmed by boundary-setting, ask a licensed professional for help. Check out our website, chat with a Hope Coach, or visit the Codependents Anonymous site to find support near you!

Can I Ever Have a Healthy Relationship After Codependency?

A relationship doesn’t have to stay broken. If healing is possible for you, then healing is possible for the other person. However, you can only control your commitment to change. If both people in a relationship are codependents, it is possible to reach a better place if both of them do the tough individual work with a licensed therapist, there’s no guarantee.

If you’re growing and learning to value yourself, but there’s no effort toward growth on the other side, it’s often better to let go and move on. Take what you’ve learned about yourself and healthy boundaries and find what’s next for you. A recovering codependent can have a future full of healthy relationships with friends, family, and romantic interests!

How Can Your Faith Help You With Codependency?

It’s important to remember that not all reliance on others is codependent. It’s more than okay to need help and support. In fact, it’s how we’re built! Christ wasn’t codependent when he fed the 5,000. He wasn’t codependent when he said “do unto others.” He wasn’t codependent when He let someone wash His feet. If we look at His life, needing each other and taking care of each other is a big part of the message He preached. So don’t shy away from helping people, or from needing the help of others. Just be conscious of your boundaries, the give and the take, and keep your self-worth in mind. 

Jesus taught that you’re worthy of unconditional love, worthy of abundant joy, and made in God’s image, fearfully and wonderfully. Remember how important you are in His eyes, and try setting some boundaries to reflect that version of you. If you want to talk more about who you are to Christ, boundary setting, or codependent relationships, don’t hesitate to chat with a Hope Coach! We’re here for you.

If you suspect there is codependency in your family, read our blog on how to deal with a dysfunctional family.

We throw the “dysfunctional family” term around a lot these days, but what does it really mean? It’s kind of a catch-all term for any family that experiences regular tension, inappropriate behaviors, lack of support and trust, etc. But no family is perfect! So is every family dysfunctional? Not quite.

Families are made up of human beings, which means there will always be mistakes made in the home. When it comes to dysfunction, there are usually patterns, routines, or repeated behaviors that result in an unhealthy living situation. If you’re struggling at home right now and trying to figure out whether your family qualifies as dysfunctional, check out the following list.

How to Identify and Fix a Dysfunctional Family

9 Signs of Dysfunction at Home

This list is not exhaustive, and every person, even close siblings who grew up in the same house, can have a wildly different experience. That said, the following is a good place to start as you learn more about your family dynamic.

A family may be “dysfunctional” if:

1. A parent or caregiver exhibits compulsive behaviors, like “workaholism,” gambling, hoarding, substance abuse, etc.

2. One or more family members is emotionally, physically, or sexually abusive.

3. Children are left without appropriate adult supervision, sometimes to the point of neglect.

4. The children are allowed to use drugs and alcohol.

5. There is a lack of shelter, food, clothing, or other basic provisions for the family.

6. One or more caregivers is emotionally unavailable, whether they are unwilling or unable to meet the child’s emotional needs.

7. Children are allowed no independence to the point of breaching their privacy or disregarding any boundaries.

8. Silence about the family’s problems is the status quo. Either the family never discusses or addresses consequences for inappropriate behavior or you’re discouraged from sharing “family business” with anyone on the outside.

9. Conversations with one or more caregivers often turn into arguments, which may become screaming matches or devolve into the silent treatment, resulting in the rest of the family “walking on eggshells” around them.

If the above signs aren’t doing it for you, check out the list of questions Nadra Nittle offers in “What Is a Dysfunctional Family” on VeryWellMind. It’s not a quiz… but if you answer “yes” to a lot of the questions, it’s probably time to talk to someone about your family’s potentially unhealthy dynamic. Kaytee Gillis also has a really useful list of “10 Unspoken Rules of Dysfunctional Families” worth checking out. 

A Note on Shame

The term “dysfunctional” might sting because of the stigma around being part of a “dysfunctional family.” It’s important to point out that just because a family has some members who don’t handle life healthily doesn’t mean there isn’t also deep love and even joy in that family. And while dysfunction is often the result of your caregiver’s poor choices, it’s also important to note that dysfunction may very well exist in the family through no fault of any one member. Unexpected health crises, financial difficulties, and plenty of other situations can put a family on the road to becoming unhealthy. Dysfunction, or unhealthy behaviors, happen for a number of reasons, and you have nothing, nothing, nothing to be ashamed of if you find yourself in a “dysfunctional family.” 

Breaking the Cycle

We’ve also been throwing the idea of “breaking the cycle” around a lot on TikTok and other pop culture platforms that touch on mental health. What does breaking the cycle mean? Essentially, the premise is that if your home life was traumatic, it’s likely that your caregivers’ homes were dysfunctional too, just like their caregivers before them, and so on. Now here you are, the current generation, with a decision to make. Continue the unhealthy behaviors, or take the difficult, brave step out of the cycle and into something new?

Before you start trying to break a deeply ingrained family cycle, you have to get healthy. You can’t expect yourself to be able to talk everyone in your family into healing overnight. First, you need to attend to your own physical, emotional, or spiritual needs. Then you can apply what you know to be healthy and true to your future.

Here are some things you can start working on today:

• Enlist the help of a licensed therapist.* Talking to a professional can help you figure out how to start the long process of reparenting yourself in areas where your needs haven’t been met. A therapist can also refer you to a doctor if they feel you might be struggling with depression, anxiety, PTSD, or a number of possible impacts your family made on your mental health. A therapist can also help you with this next one…
• Educate yourself on healthy boundaries. Boundaries are often not a thing in dysfunctional families, meaning you could likely use a crash course in boundary setting right now. Without strong boundaries, any and all relationships will be tough to sustain. Don’t worry, though, even people who grew up in “healthy” families struggle to ace the concept of setting boundaries. It takes practice!
• Establish a community or “found family.” In times when you’re feeling let down or even betrayed by your family of origin (or first family), it helps to know who else you can turn to. Whether you already have a small circle of people you can trust (really trust) or you’re starting from scratch, community will be key to your recovery. Isolation is a big no-no when it comes to processing hard things or struggling with mental health, and it sure doesn’t help you learn that there is such a thing as loving, supportive, kind people who love you for you. If you’re not sure where to find your people, check out local support groups, book clubs, sports teams… anything you can join to meet new people and fill your time with something healthy.

Perhaps one of the most important things to know, as you start to recover from your family’s dysfunction, is that your life is still up to you. You have the freedom to choose what you do next. If you want to stay in a relationship with your family, you can. If you don’t want to, you don’t have to. If you distance yourself from them for a while in order to heal, but then you miss them and want to reconnect, you can do that too! There aren’t a lot of wrong answers when it comes to healing, as long as you’re focused on finding a healthier way of living.

*If you can’t swing therapy right now, due to money, time, or transportation, there are a number of free and online resources available to you. Check out Focus on the Family for recommendations, talk to a trusted adult, or do some research on support groups in your area. Never assume that you’re alone!

Your Built-In Family

Processing how your family may have failed you in certain aspects is a very lonely time for most people. Where once there was family, albeit an imperfect one, now there is disappointment, betrayal, pain, anger, a lack of trust, etc. Sometimes it might seem like nobody you talk to could possibly understand how abandoned you feel. In some ways, that may be the case. But you are never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever alone, without love, or without family when it comes to Jesus. Jesus went through it with His family… one mom, two “dads,” a million brothers, poverty, abandonment, impossible expectations… the whole nine yards. His message, though, is still one of perfect peace, understanding, joy, hope, and abundance because it demands that we all treat one another as brother and sister, with loving kindness. If you want to know more about how to connect with Jesus, how to deal with a dysfunctional family, or where you can find mental health resources, please chat with a Hope Coach today. We hope you find what you’re looking for!

For more on dysfunctional families, read how to manage family boundaries when a parent is toxic.

From TikTok to politics, our culture is saturated with the terms “narcissist” and “narcissism” more than ever. It seems like if anyone anywhere behaves in a way that can be even remotely perceived as selfish, somebody declares them a narcissist. The truth is we can all be pretty selfish at times, and it’s pretty dangerous to throw the “narcissist” term around without a professional diagnosis. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)  is real. It’s in the DSM-V. It’s actually pretty rare, estimated by the National Institute of Mental Health to afflict only 0.5-5% of adults in the US.

Knowing that it’s highly unlikely, though not impossible, for you or someone in your life to legitimately have NPD, it’s important to be careful about how you use language around the topic. You or someone in your life may be exhibiting narcissistic personality traits that negatively impact your life, without having NPD. General rule: not all selfishness is narcissism, but all narcissistic traits come from a place of self-centered thinking. That said, with or without NPD, narcissistic behaviors can be devastating to families, romantic relationships and friendships, and basic quality of life.

What to Know About Narcissism

What Is Narcissism?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is one of 10 personality disorders in the DSM-V, characterized by a list of pathological personality traits that seriously inhibit a person’s ability to maintain a functional social life, family life,  and/or work life. The top 5 signs of narcissism are:

1. An inflated sense of self
2. A constant need for attention
3. Self-centeredness
4. Lack of empathy
5. Preoccupation with power and success

Keep in mind that we’re human, so we can occasionally exhibit one or more of the above signs without being a narcissist. The key word to remember is pathological. A true narcissist cannot help but exhibit most or all of these signs at all times. A true narcissist lives in a delusion of sorts, really believing that they are special, that they deserve to be considered of a higher status than others, that they should only associate with other high-status people, and that they are worthy of constant attention and praise, that any criticism is an unwarranted attack, that their abilities and achievements surpass others, that they are entitled to exploit people for their own gain, that others envy them or should envy them, and that they deserve special treatment.

They’ll do whatever it takes: lie, manipulate, exaggerate, downplay, self-aggrandize, anything to accomplish what they want, without respect for how those around them feel. If they apologize for their actions, it’s not because they feel sorry but because they recognize that an “apology” is the only way to get the other person to do what they want. They believe, they know, that they are better than others and are entitled to success, leading them to feel depressed when others disagree or when they don’t get their way. NPD is almost always associated with an inflated sense of entitlement and a total lack of empathy for others.

That lack of empathy, especially, is what makes this mental health condition so detrimental to healthy relationships. Without the ability to understand and honor other people’s feelings, a narcissist can only see a relationship as a source of attention, praise, service, etc.

What Is the Root Cause of Narcissism?

Researchers don’t know exactly what causes many mental disorders, but there are some theories about contributing factors. Common life experiences among those diagnosed with NPD are childhood abuse or trauma, receiving excessive praise early in life, growing up in an environment without any external validation, growing up with extremely indulgent parents, or growing up with unreliable parents. But not everyone who experiences these things early in life develops NPD, so ultimately, that’s an unknown.

However, there are a few problems at the root of all narcissistic behaviors that, whether a person has NPD or just struggles with self-centeredness, can help us understand why they behave the way they do.

• Lack of Self-esteem. Someone who feels the constant need to be their own “hype man” is likely struggling to believe in their own worth. When someone exaggerates how good they are at something, habitually reminds people of their accomplishments, or carries themselves in a haughty or superior way, try to look deeper. They may not be truly narcissistic in nature, but rather struggling with their mental health in a way that damages their self-esteem.
• Fear of being alone. Again, if someone is always trying to prove how great they are, what if they don’t actually think they’re that great? What if they’re afraid that if people don’t see their value, they’ll be abandoned or shunned? That could come from past trauma or low self-esteem. 
• Shame. We talk a lot about shame at TheHopeLine because it’s a pervasive and convincing voice telling many of us that we are less than. Deep down, someone who presents as a narcissist may believe they are nothing like what they claim in public. Deep down, they may even understand that their behaviors are hurtful, and the voice of shame tells them they will never be anything but a mean, selfish loser. Shame says, “I am bad,” instead of “I did something bad, but I can do better next time.” It becomes a vicious cycle that someone needs help breaking out of.

It’s easy to hate on someone whose narcissistic behaviors are harmful or annoying, but refusing to consider their feelings would be a narcissistic choice on your part. While you do not have to cross your own boundaries to try and fix them or continue to allow them to hurt you, having a sense of what may be underneath a person’s perceived self-centeredness means that you’re capable of empathy. Your capacity for empathy will be crucial as you try to move toward healing, so be careful not to silence it out of anger or pain.

How to Treat Narcissism

In the end, people with NPD often cause a lot of problems for themselves. Their beliefs and behaviors hurt people, and eventually that takes a toll on work and life. NPD patients can end up with other symptoms like depression because life isn’t going the way they hoped or because people steer clear, leaving them isolated, and even under-employed at times. NPD can lead a person to commit abuse or other crimes as well, further alienating them from loved ones and society at large.

The first step in treating narcissism is diagnosis. If you or someone you know exhibits signs of true NPD, it’s time to make an appointment with a mental health professional. A doctor can test for personality disorders, and the good news is that once an official diagnosis is confirmed, NPD is treatable. Unfortunately, people with NPD may not want to acknowledge such a diagnosis or seek treatment, but those who do can often live a much healthier life. Medication, therapy, and other special treatments can help a narcissist to understand the flaws in their thinking, recognize narcissistic behaviors, and improve their relationships with others.

Even if you or someone you know exhibits narcissistic traits that don’t seem to be true NPD, speaking with a mental health professional is a good idea. Self-centered behaviors can be a sign that something else is up with your mental health, and rather than hiding from the truth or shaming yourself, asking for help is the best way to get you to a place of feeling healthy and free. Basic self-care like 8 hours of sleep, daily exercise, and proper nutrition are a great start for getting yourself mentally healthy, but talking with a licensed therapist can lead to real changes in your thought patterns and ability to process things.

How Do You Deal With a Narcissist

First and foremost, be careful using the term narcissist. A true narcissist will not accept that term if you confront them with it, and often a narcissist declares anyone who challenges them or goes against their wishes a narcissist in return. If you suspect a family member or a loved one is a narcissist, the person you need to worry about is you, not them. Ask yourself, “What can I do to make my life feel more healthy despite their behavior?”

Develop a support system—trusted friends and family, licensed therapist, etc. If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, does that person’s behavior lead them to abuse you emotionally, physically, financially, or otherwise? In that case, talk to someone about creating a safe escape plan, as it may be time to draw the boundary of removing yourself from the relationship or the home. If you don’t wish to break the relationship or contact, establish firm boundaries around behaviors you will and will not accept. We have lots of resources on establishing healthy boundaries, and we encourage you to check those out. Finally, take care of yourself. Dealing with a narcissist, whether they are diagnosed with NPD or simply stuck in their own world, is exhausting. Your feelings have been ignored, dismissed, manipulated, or hurt time and again. You must now take charge of making sure you give yourself the care this narcissistic person can’t and won’t. The only behavior you can change is your own.

There Is Hope

Whether you’re worried that you’re the narcissist or you’re dealing with the pain of having one in your life, please know that your situation is not hopeless. For those with narcissistic tendencies, acknowledging the problem and seeking help can yield amazing results. For those struggling to protect their boundaries and live a full life despite a narcissist’s behavior, peace is possible.

Jesus’ message is about love, and it is for everyone. He loves the narcissist, and He loves the narcissist’s hurting loved ones. One thing His love doesn’t do is shame. Though His message does speak against selfishness and self-centered behavior, He never condemns sickness. In fact, He begs the weary and the sick to find peace in Him and to trust that healing is possible. He “came to heal every affliction,” including personality disorders and broken hearts, and though that doesn't mean that a diagnosed personality disorder will simply disappear, it can certainly mean that with love and hope, a more healthy life can be in your future. If you want to know more about how you can pursue that healing, please reach out to one of our Hope Coaches today or check out other resources we have at TheHopeLine.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a legitimate mental health issue. Here are tell-tale signs to help you decide if your partner is a narcissist.

First of all, if you JUST escaped from a sexual assault situation, please make sure you’ve found a safe place before you read further. Call 911 if you’re worried about your safety. Once you’re certain that you’re out of harm’s way, consider reading this article first for what to do immediately after a sexual assault. If you’re out of immediate danger, but you're stuck (or have been) in a sexually abusive relationship wondering why you’ve stayed quiet about your assault, keep reading.

When so many have made the brave step to go public about their own experiences, why do an estimated 90% of sexual assault victims remain silent? What is it about predators that gives them the power to keep victims quiet? Why haven’t you gotten help yet for your own situation? The truth is that sexual predators have a way of making their victims feel it’s in their best interest to be silent or that speaking up wouldn’t do them any good. Victims may also deal with deep shame about their story, and shame thrives on silence.

How to Spot Sexual Predators

Emotional Manipulation

Those who commit sexual assault are often pretty sneaky in the ways they influence their victims. Whether they know it or not, most of them are following patterns of behavior that we’ve been able to do some research on. Whether they’re a stranger who came into your life with the sole purpose of assaulting you, or someone you knew well or is even in your family, it’s likely that their behavior is what makes their victims feel like they must be silent. It’s never okay to judge a victim because they are remaining silent, especially if the victim is you. Get to know what predatory manipulation looks like to understand a little bit more about victim silence.

Grooming or persuasion behaviors can look like:

• Befriending your parents or trying to look good in front of them. Whether it’s a neighbor, a coach, or a new boyfriend, gaining the trust of your most trusted family and friends, may add to the victim’s feelings that no one will believe them down the line.
• Giving extra attention, gifts, etc. This could also be simple text messages, attention, or affection. You learn to trust them because they fulfill your basic need for feeling loved, feeling special, feeling beautiful, etc. Everyone wants those things! This behavior may leave the victim feeling loyal or beholden to the predator.
• Isolating or creating ways to be alone with you. This could look like making sure that you’re so busy you aren’t spending time with the people you’re close to by filling your schedule with activities, be those dates, extra practices for music or sports, etc. Limiting your access to friends, family, or money also makes it difficult for the victim to reach out for help or even consider leaving the situation.
• Pushing conversation boundaries and touch desensitization. Perhaps they introduce sexual topics, show the victims sexual material, or frequently touch the victim without asking first. This behavior makes it so that when they advance sexually, their victim is already used to the sexual element in their relationship and may not protest.
• Threatening, both emotional and physical. This could look like making the victim aware of what the consequences could be if they tell anyone or break off the relationship—that could be threats of physical assault, but could be as subtle as saying, “you have to keep this between us because nobody will understand what we have.”

All of these subtle moves amount to the victim feeling truly alone and helpless, sometimes even unaware of the assault. If they even want out, the victim often assumes that nobody would believe them or that their predator is the only person who truly loves or knows them. By no means is this an extensive list of ways predators keep victims silent! But it could get you started as you research.

The Link Between Silence and Shame

First of all, if you have been sexually assaulted, you have nothing to be ashamed of. It is not your fault. It was not your fault. The fault lies only with the person who violated you and made you feel less than. Experiences like this can make you feel lonely and isolated, but it’s important to know that you are not alone. It’s estimated that at least 1 in 6 women and 1 in 25 men experience a sexual assault at least once as an adult. With those odds, it’s extremely likely that there is someone in your circle who has had a similar experience, or would understand yours. So many victims remain silent for fear of judgment, because they blame themselves, or because they don’t believe there’s any help to be had. What if, though, telling your story could actually set you free from some of those feelings?

If you’ve been afraid to talk to anyone, you might be struggling with shame. Researcher and professor, Dr. Brene Brown, says, "If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive."  Though shame may be telling you that you’ll never survive whatever judgment you’ll face after sharing your story, you might actually find a lot of love, acceptance, and support on the other side.

How to Safely Get Help

If you’re considering getting help, think about how you’re going to do that safely. If you’re no longer in the abusive relationship, you still need to consider your emotional safety. When you’re still in a volatile situation, it’s important to plan how you’re going to stay safe from further harm. Reach out to RAINN, an organization that offers help for victims of sexual harassment and violence. You can chat with them online or call them at 800.656.HOPE (4673)—they’ll have state-specific ideas on how and where you can get the help you need, and can also help you determine the right safety plan for you.

Remember that when you’re in the middle of a highly stressful moment, the brain doesn’t function at its highest capacity. Having these things decided ahead of time, could really help you in the moment. For more great ideas about what can go in your safety plan, check out “How to Exit an Abusive Relationship Safely” on VeryWellMind.

What to Do When You’re Out

Getting help is a huge and difficult step, but don’t forget about what comes after that. Victims of sexual assault have been through something horrendous, and it’s crucial to make sure there will be continued support as you recover and rebuild your life. Consider the following:

• Seek help with a licensed therapist. Experiencing a sexual assault will impact your mental, whether that manifests as depression, anxiety, PTSD or another diagnosis.
• Find ways to stay and feel safe. Take self-defense classes, carry mace, and move in with someone you love and trust. Find activities that help you feel empowered and people who make you feel secure.
• Sexual assault hurts more than just your mind and body. It breaks your heart, hurts your soul, and makes you feel farther away from yourself than you did before. Find ways to take care of your spirit. Seek community, faith, and activities that make you feel fulfilled. Remind yourself that life can be beautiful, and that you can have peace. Consider prayer, too. Whether you want to pray aloud, silently, or write in a journal, taking some time to commune with the Holy Spirit can be incredibly healing for your own.
• Check out these 15 Tips to Protect Yourself.

You can also talk to us! We have Hope Coaches and email mentors at the ready, willing to listen to you and offer you resources. We’ll even pray for you, if you want. We believe that Jesus doesn’t want you to feel shamed, silenced, or stuck. He sees you as a beautifully wonderfully made child of God, and wants you to have a life of abundant joy. If you want to know more about that joy, please reach out to us, and remember: you are never alone.

Staying hopeful after abuse and assault is difficult, but not impossible. We've witnessed many people rediscover a sense of hope after assault, and find healing after abuse.

Have you ever wondered why, despite the core tenets of Christianity being love and forgiveness, there are so many people who feel hurt by the church? Have you ever watched the very adults who taught you about the love of Jesus turn around and act without love, forgiveness, humility, or compassion? Whether that looks like watching your Christian mom yell at a barista or seeing your church divided because a leader committed abuse or fraud, these experiences can become traumatic.

We talk a lot about different kinds of trauma, how to avoid or leave abusive situations, and how to cope with past trauma. Verbal, emotional, physical, sexual, financial… there are so many kinds of trauma, and often we’re encouraged to lean on our spirituality or religious faith for strength and healing. Studies have shown that faith can be a huge help to some people in struggle, but what if they experienced trauma within their faith community? What if the trauma they’re healing from is, in fact, spiritual trauma?

Ultimately, healing spiritual or religious trauma comes down to recognizing that there is a difference between your personal faith and the religious leaders, teachers, or institutions that may have let you down or even hurt you.

How to Identify Spiritual Trauma

What Is Spiritual Trauma?

The Religious Trauma Institute defines religious trauma, also called spiritual trauma, as “The physical, emotional, or psychological response to religious beliefs, practices, or structures that is experienced by an individual as overwhelming or disruptive and has lasting adverse effects on a person’s physical, mental, social, emotional, or spiritual well-being.” According to the National Domestic Abuse Hotline, it happens not only within toxic church culture but also within intimate relationships. Also called religious trauma, spiritual trauma can have a devastating impact on its victims by separating them from any awareness of their own wants or needs, often due to years of being told to be, do, and think a certain way by spiritual authority figures. It’s almost as difficult to define spiritual trauma as it is to define spirituality itself, because ultimately, it’s different for everyone.

Examples & Red Flags

While spiritual or religious trauma can be difficult to define, it may be more easily recognizable in these specific examples of both abuse and trauma.

1. Being taught to believe that it is your fault when your prayers are not answered immediately and completely. If you are made to feel that you are not praying hard enough or that your faith must be weak when your prayers aren't answered the way people think they should be, that is an unhealthy spiritual environment. Yes, you can and should take everything to God in prayer, but sometimes you also need to take action yourself: tell an adult, report inappropriate behavior, make an escape plan, ask for help, seek therapy, etc.  

2. Being instructed by a spiritual authority figure to behave in harmful ways to yourself or others. If you are not allowed to question a religious leader, especially when what they are teaching causes harm, this is an abuse of power giving leaders unchallenged control over others. An extreme instance of this would be the story of Jim Jones and the Jonestown Massacre. There are also examples of churches instructing congregations to fast excessively, or making it clear that members of the group are to remain quiet about any perceived problems with leadership or doctrine. If you are asked to do something contrary to the Word of God by a church leader without question, this is a definite red flag.

3. Witnessing or experiencing ex-communication or rejection from the faith community because of “misbehavior.”

4. Witnessing or experiencing a refusal by the faith community to see mental health issues as anything other than weakness or spiritual warfare.

5. Attending or being asked to attend in-house “counseling” with a person who has no expertise or licensing in the mental health field.

6. Feeling so pressured that you think you have no other choice but to give money, sex, or control over to someone in spiritual authority over you. If you don’t comply, you’re accused of lacking faith. This is blatant manipulation.

7. Being ignored or silenced when you report instances of abuse to your church leaders.

8. When someone close to you makes fun of your belief, or when someone dismisses you because of your religion.

9. When someone tries to stop you from practicing your religion, just because they don’t like it.

10. When someone tries to force you to learn or practice their religion, even though you already have one or do not agree with theirs.

11. When someone uses religious texts to manipulate you into allowing physical, financial, emotional, or sexual abuse.

Remember, abuse is often sneaky. It can happen inside your church, at school, at home, at work, or just walking down the street. The above list isn’t exhaustive, and some people’s experiences may be completely different.

How Do I Know if I've Experienced Spiritual Trauma?

Just because we have some examples of what spiritual abuse can look like doesn’t mean it’s easy to identify when you’re in the middle of the actual experience. Often a person who is being spiritually abused is so deeply entrenched in their abuser’s teachings, that they don’t believe their church, teachers, or parents are capable of leading them astray. Furthermore, sometimes you can experience spiritual trauma that isn’t necessarily a result of abuse committed by any one person or institution. It’s important, then, to talk about how spiritual trauma makes you feel so that you can get a sense of whether you should investigate your relationship with religion and the beliefs you’ve been taught since childhood. Check out these signs of potential spiritual abuse or trauma. Do any of them sound familiar to you?

1. You feel confused about your beliefs, and you’re too uncomfortable to tell anyone about them or ask any questions.

2. You have been emotionally, sexually or physically abused by someone in spiritual authority over you.

3. You have a deep fear of death, evil, hell, or the end of the world. This could look like having recurring nightmares or being constantly aware of the devil or danger.

4. You have difficulty listening to your body or your “gut” because you’ve been taught that you can’t trust yourself, only your spiritual leaders.

5. Feeling so nervous about your sexual purity that you are scared of any feelings of attraction, let alone entering any kind of intimate relationship. Rather than understanding that sex can be a positive experience in a marriage relationship, you’re only able to process it as a sin.

6. You feel you are sinning if you draw boundaries or say “no,” and you fear being a disappointment to others.

7. You are convinced that anyone outside of your faith may be a distraction from staying on the path that’s been set for you. You may even avoid anything your circle deems “secular.”

8. You feel harshly judged within the church and have been led to believe you are not "good enough" and must earn your way to heaven. You have not experienced how much Jesus loves you or been shown a God who is compassionate, forgiving, loving, slow to anger and full of grace.

9. You’re so focused on NOT upsetting God or your religious mentors and so focused on achieving perfection that you are overly hard on yourself and quick to condemn yourself and others. This may even lead you to shun or mistreat those who don’t share your beliefs.

10. You feel let down by God because, even after all this work to impress Him or follow these teachings, you’re still struggling.

Again, this isn’t a complete list of how spiritual trauma can make you feel. The important thing is: if you’re wondering about spiritual abuse and religious trauma, talk to someone about it. A licensed therapist can be a great deal of help here, as can trusted friends, family, teachers, etc. There are also abundant resources for abuse victims through TheHopeLine that you can check out today.

Where Do I Go From Here?

Spirituality and religion are often so deeply intertwined with our self-perception that when trauma occurs, it can feel like losing your identity. Losing your faith may feel like losing yourself, and feeling betrayed by your own faith community is a deep wound that may shake your beliefs to their core. It’s tricky to give spiritual advice on this topic, since anything remotely spiritual or religious may feel triggering or even retraumatizing, but there is one thing of which you can be certain: Jesus hates religious abuse. In fact, during His life he repeatedly chastised and confronted the current religious leaders in his community because they did not act out their faith in a way that reflected what they claimed to believe. In the Bible in Matthew 23, he rebukes the Religious Leaders over and over again for caring more about rules and appearances than actually caring for the sick, helping the poor, and loving their neighbors. In fact, Jesus loved YOU so much He died for you. "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

If you have experienced spiritual abuse, learning how to separate the abuse you experienced from the God in whose name the abuse occurred could understandably be a challenge. So let us repeat, God did not want this to happen to you. The abuse you experienced was at the hands of sinful people who were NOT following Him and who were NOT acting on God's behalf! These are the words that describe the characteristics of God in the Bible - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. That is who God is!

If you are healing from spiritual trauma, you are not alone, and you don't have to leave your faith behind to do so. Jesus is on your side, not the side of the rules, relationships, or incidents that broke your heart. In Matthew 11, Jesus tells us that we can come to Him if we’re weary. He says, “My yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” If you’re feeling heavily burdened by your religion or spirituality, that’s not what Jesus taught or wanted. We’re here to support you if you’re recovering from spiritual abuse or trauma, so reach out to one of our Hope Coaches if you’d like to talk. You are never alone, and there is always hope.