Interview with a Rock Princess on True Love: Lacey Sturm (Formally of Flyleaf)

Lacey Sturm…you probably know who she is but just in case you don’t, she co-founded the rock band, Flyleaf, and was their lead singer for 10 years until going solo.  Now she has debuted her solo project, Life Screams.

But I’m really here to tell you about her deep and personal memoir that was just released this month, The Mystery: Finding True Love in a World of Broken Lovers.  I got the privilege of reading her book and interviewing her about it.  She was a sweetheart during our interview and really poured out her heart.

She has had her struggles and she is not afraid to talk about them!  She wants others to learn from her experiences and she wants to help people!  I haven’t met too many rock princesses but I doubt many of them would be willing to be so vulnerable and share such personal experiences in order to help others.

In her book, Lacey talks about orphan identity.  Lacey grew up fatherless, and so her perspective of who and what a father is, was based on her not having a father and also observing other fathers who had neglected, abused, or abandoned their daughters.  In her book, Lacey wrote: “My orphan heart thought to be loved by someone was for them to save me.  I didn’t understand that the only person who can save me is God.  My orphan heart thought love was to complete someone else and to be completed by them.  I didn’t understand that when two people who aren’t whole try to complete each other they both end up with less than when they started.  I didn’t understand that the only one who can make a person whole is God.”

Lacey talked more about this orphan identity in our interview (by the way, I’ve been cut out of the video feed because…if we are being real here…we all just really want to see Lacey, don’t we!?!):

As Lacey says, with an orphan mindset, you feel like a burden on others.  You don’t want to burden anyone with your problems so you don’t reach out for help or accept help when it’s offered.  We (people in general) have an innate need for community with other people.  Our society teaches us to be independent and to make it on our own, but in truth, we need each other.  We need someone in our corner…friends or family to be “our people.”  We need them to support us, to encourage us when we are down, to celebrate with us when things are good, to listen when we need to talk, to give us wisdom when we don’t see clearly.  So, don’t be afraid to make deep connections with people.  Don’t be afraid to reach out for help when you are struggling because you aren’t meant to carry your burdens alone.

Lacey Sturm is a supporter of TheHopeLine!!

Lacey talked about being purposeful with your heart, emotions, and displays of love in her book and in our interview.  She points out that if you aren’t purposeful then you risk falling in and out of love, over and over, according to your circumstances, whims, and ignorance.  She explains how to be purposeful with your heart:

Lacey says, “There are boundaries for knowing when it’s safe to let your emotions lead you and when it’s time for you to lead them.”
Two of the boundaries she set up for herself to be purposeful with her heart was: 

1. Have people in her life who loved her and have people she would listen to no matter what, especially when it came to wisdom regarding relationships.

2. And she wrote down a vision of what she wanted in a husband.

Then she took her vision to God and asked Him to help her so that she would listen when God said, “Not yet,” or "No,” and that way she would know the relationship was safe and she wasn’t just manipulating the situation or tricking herself into thinking it’s good, like she’s done in the past and then been hurt by it.
The one thing Lacey wants someone to take away from reading her book is:

“God is the true love that we are always searching for.  And everything that we find that makes our hearts come to life is actually a reflection of who He is.  This world is just a shadow of His love for us and so when we get infatuated with some part of His creation, we have to recognize that there is an artist behind it.  And when we put all of our stock in a person or anything—a talent, a gift, a calling, something in nature, something beautiful, art—then all of a sudden we’ve stopped short of what we’re going after and that thing will always let us down, if we make it out to be God before we get to God himself.  He is the only one who can be God for us.”

In her book, she shares raw, honest, and personal stories that will give you insight into not only her life but your own as well.  She also has these letters dispersed throughout the book called, Hero Notes.  She has people; such as, Evan Tachoir, Brian Welch, Stephana Mosely, Joshua Sturm, Korey Cooper, and many more. They each write a letter to ‘the reader’ with words of encouragement and wisdom they have learned through their experiences.  There is some really good stuff in there! 

Connect with Lacey Sturm:
https://www.laceysturm.com/
https://twitter.com/LaceySturm
https://www.instagram.com/officiallaceysturm/
https://www.youtube.com/user/LaceySturm81

I Choose Forgiveness

I feel that many times when the topic of bullying awareness is brought up, we talk about our experiences and how we overcame them. We tell students to “talk to an adult” about what’s going on and tell victims of bullying that what they are going through is not a reflection upon their self-worth.

It seems as if one of the most important parts of bullying awareness is rarely talked about – forgiveness!

Not Forgiving Gave the Bully More Power

Forgiveness is simple but yet complex. As a victim of bullying, I was never able to fully heal from my experiences until I learned and started practicing forgiveness. I have found out the hard way that not forgiving the mean girls did absolutely nothing positive for me, but instead gave them more power over me. Their actions from the past were affecting how I was moving forward into my future.

I did not become angry as some do when they withhold forgiveness, but I had guilt about holding onto a grudge. Both the past and current actions of my peers who were bullying me, seemed to hurt more and more every day. The following summer, when I had no contact with these individuals, the pain of not forgiving them continued to grow. Even when I wasn’t around the bullying, I was giving power to the mean girls over me by not forgiving them. I was giving them the response that they wanted me to have.

Forgiveness Takes Time

It took time to fully forgive those who have hurt me. Honestly, I am still forgiving some. You may be thinking, “Forgiving is good but what my bullies did to me was so bad I’m not sure if I can do it. Not everything is forgivable.” I have believed this lie and have taken this to heart.

I tend to subconsciously think that Christ died just for those who are morally good. The truth is – He didn’t. He died for that family member that I have a broken relationship with, my best friend that I love dearly, my friends, myself, AND those who have hurt me! If He can forgive all of those individual sins, then what is stopping me from forgiving the mean girls? Selfishly I think, if I can’t forgive my enemies, how could God ever forgive me? I’m really not any different from them.

Forgiveness Is Not...

Forgiving is not admitting that what your enemy did to you was okay, or that it did not hurt. It is simply not holding on to their actions anymore. Forgiving others does not mean you are obligated to become friends with them, and it does not give the other person permission to repeat their actions.

Forgiveness Is...

Forgiving is being in physical chains but having access to the key. The longer you wait to come out of the chains, they become heavier on your body and soul. The person who locked you in the chains does not feel the effect of the weight upon your body the way you do. When you find the courage to pick up the key and take the chains off, your body is instantly relieved.

Forgiving those who bully you does not guarantee that you will no longer be hurt by them but holding a grudge will absolutely do you no good. Most likely the person bullying you has been through the same thing themselves and takes their pain and uses it to hurt others. Those who have been hurt, tend to hurt others. As a part of bullying awareness, we need to talk about the power of forgiving the bullies because if we don’t forgive them, even if they did not seek forgiveness, what does that show about your character?

If you want to forgive the bully and you are not quite sure where to start, here are a few pointers:

• Start praying for your enemy.
• Try to find a positive trait about them.
• Start to compliment them. This will start to change your perspective of them.
• Remember that God forgives them.

Forgiving does not have to happen overnight, but if you want to change your emotional self, it does have to happen.

Lama Leah is a blogger, and supporter of the arts, social change, and God’s chosen people. Read more from her on her blog: Lama-Leah!

Tough relationships and people talking about “letting go” or telling you to forgive is hard. God can help you find the peace to forgive. Read more here. 

An Open Letter to My Bully

Dear Bully,

How are you doing? I want to thank you.

Thank you, my dear, for helping me become a strong person by pointing out my best and worst personality and physical traits. Even though I am now thanking you, I am not going to let your opinions about me change me. You told me I am fat; I’m not going to lose weight for you. You told me that I’m weird, well, I’m just going to embrace that. You told me that I’m ugly; I don’t put makeup on for you every day. I put makeup on because I enjoy doing it and love playing with different colors. You told me that I’m stupid; I’m smart in my own ways. Your words won’t change me, but instead they will strengthen me.

Hurt People Hurt Others

It is obvious that you, yourself, are hurting, and you find it easier to bring others down then lift them up. You are insecure, have low self-esteem, and have probably been hurt yourself by someone else. I feel sorry for you. While I make a choice not to hurt others because you hurt me, you did not make that same decision. I want you to know that you are precious in God’s sight and that I’m praying for you.

I also know that I will not purposely surround myself around people who bully me because I’m tired of being hurt. I am tired of the little comments, and the rumors.

Choose Love

We both have been hurt by different people and we both have a choice. We can choose to continue to hurt others, or we can lift others up. Both of us are doing one of those options.

In the end, no one will remember who was the smartest, funniest, made the varsity team, or had the cutest outfit.  We will be remembered by how we treat others and how you treat yourself.

Lama Leah is a blogger, and supporter of the arts, social change, and God’s chosen people. Read more from her on her blog: Lama-Leah!

My Parents Got Divorced

When I was 10 years old, my parents got divorced. They were always arguing and fighting. My dad was cheating on my mom, with a woman named Lisa. He would always come home so late, and sometimes he didn't come home at all. I was very depressed and I didn't know how to deal with it. I had nobody to talk to about it. I would cry myself to sleep.

One day, I wrapped my my hands around my throat and squeezed as hard as I could. I couldn't do it because I thought about my family.

One day, I came across TheHopeLine® and it helped me through all of this. I was meant to find and join this site. It saved my life and I realized this...it wasn't my fault at all. I wasn't alone.

If you are feeling alone and are dealing with divorce, check out our eBook: Understanding Divorce.

Why You Matter

Sometimes you feel like you are not good enough, perhaps because of certain challenges that may make you give into self-doubt. The good news is you are not alone; we all have moments like that in our lives. If you’ve lost your self-worth and confidence, you are at the right place; this article will help you improve your overall well-being by reminding you why you matter.

1. You are the only person who can be you

You matter because you are the only person who can be you. This planet has over 7 billion people and yet you are the only person who is exactly like you. Take, for instance, your fingerprints; they are unique and yet you are the only one with them. Ideally, everyone faces different challenges and gains different experiences. The fact that each one of us has a different life journey means we all have different stories to tell. Believe it or not, this simple fact is incredibly crucial. Hence, for even a second, don’t allow yourself to think anything differently.

2. You have the ability to make a stranger’s day

I know you’re wondering how this is possible. Well, you don’t need to be superhuman to put a smile on someone’s face; all you need is little acts of random kindness. Take a look at yourself and note that you are every bit capable of making a stranger’s day brighter. Whether it’s sheltering someone else with your umbrella on a rainy day, sharing a smile, helping an old lady across the street, getting a bottle of water for a foreign worker or offering up your seat to someone else, you possess the power to make a stranger’s day even if you are unable to make your own.

3. You can be a passionate and genuine leader

Leadership is all about influencing and inspiring others. Of course, you have to do this in a positive way, so the people you lead can achieve their own greatness. As mentioned earlier, all of us are unique, meaning we have different abilities and talents. And being a leader can be one of those abilities. If you find yourself in any leadership position, lend a helping hand, provide encouragement, and make a difference in the lives of others.

4. Your talent has the power to greatly inspire others

While you are busy trying to be more of someone else and less of you, remember, someone somewhere is doing the exact same thing: Wanting to be you. Instead of wallowing in self-pity, note that your talent can greatly inspire someone. The talent does not need to be an outright one like painting, playing soccer, or drawing, but know that you can inspire someone (including a total stranger) with whatever you have in hand.

5. You are a human being, never forget this

You are an active, living, breathing human being. That should be enough. You take up space on this earth; not useless space, but space that matters; space that can make a difference. You light up the world with your body and soul, and above all, you are ALIVE. You are alive and this only means one thing; you are yet to accomplish everything you need to.

Don’t at any second belittle yourself. You matter, not just to yourself but to others as well. You are alive for a reason, and you have the power to control that. Be positive, be happy, and most importantly, be yourself, because you are important in every aspect of your own.

Ivy Norton is a mother of 3 and the founder of mommasbaby.com. She writes, "Having struggled through some times of depression, and the feeling of worthlessness, I hope to shed light on what makes you important and why every day is a gift that should be cherished."

If you struggle with your self-worth, and want to know what to do when you hate yourself, check out TheHopeLine's eBook:

Quinn's Story

I have always seemed like the happy one of my family. No one notices things that they don't want to. In September 2015, I jumped off a freeway overpass. I was in the hospital for over a month. I will have lasting impressions of the injuries I sustained for the rest of my life.

TheHopeLine has been here for me when I needed someone to talk to.

My family doesn't want to talk about it. My brother calls me the family cripple. My family views me as disabled. I might have a limp, and I might be depressed, but that does not make me any less of a person. I am embarrassed to say that I need help from my family, because it has been made into something to be ashamed of.

Thank you TheHopeLine,  for being the one place that I can go to talk.
-Quinn
If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. For additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

For more on what to do if you are having suicidal thoughts or if you know someone who is considering suicide, check out TheHopeLine's eBook: Understanding Suicide.

Coy's Story

I spoke with a HopeCoach name West last week. I had googled “Suicide Help Line.”

I was too ashamed to talk to someone over the phone but when I saw a chat option, I felt that would be safe enough.

My life began to feel so heavy and dark inside. I knew it was outside input from the enemy but eventually, I just started to believe the lie. I was a worthless father, husband and provider for my family. My new job hadn’t panned out the way I thought it would and left my family of six with a $500 a month pay cut. Over the course of 6 months, we had fallen behind on rent, other bills and it just started to tailspin. Every day at work, I would contemplate and try to just build up the courage to walk out onto the highway in front of a semi. Too proud to ask for help, too much of a coward to take the easy way out.

I felt stuck, hopeless and utterly alone in the midst of hundreds of people who love me. It was 2 am, one of my two daughters was crying. Every time I laid her in the crib, she would cry. So, I picked her up, went to the living room and while holding her, was looking up suicide helplines. I found TheHopeLine through Death2Life. West came on and began talking with me.

I felt safe. I felt like she didn’t have a bone of condemnation in her body.

She told me her story and I began to cry. The first time I had been able to cry in a long time. She had no way of knowing but we had similar experiences with cancer and loved ones. She asked if it was ok to give me scriptures, I agreed. I knew what the Word said and exactly what I would tell other people in my situation. I just couldn’t see the forest for the trees. I had succumbed to the lie. I was worthless and never going to be able to get out of my situation. That my family would be better off without me. That God would send a better man than me to raise my kids and take care of my wife. They deserved more than what I had laid at their feet.

We talked and it seemed everything she said resonated with me. She prayed with me. She prayed a prayer and I believed it. She prayed as if she knew God was going to answer it.

I went to bed. I woke up the next morning, tender from the night before. I decided I’m just going to drive hard at work, work as fast as I can and get the day over with.

I started to recall the night before. I felt a burden to apologize to my boss for my lack of effort at work. I had been so depressed it affected my performance. He never said anything, but I know it did. As I went to apologize I started to cry. He pulled me aside and asked what was going on. I had just felt so transparent, I told him everything from suicidal thoughts, depression, money woes, etc.

He asked me how far behind I was. I told him and he placed one month's rent in my pocket in cash right then.  I didn’t expect that…not in a million years. By the end of the day, He had lined up a side job that would help us get out of our situation. I was broken. God had done something I couldn’t believe. He answered West's prayer for me that she prayed that night before.

I know the road ahead is long but West gave me something I had lost for a while. Hope. I know it will not be fixed overnight. I do believe God is bigger than this and I need to not be a lone ranger Christian and I need to rely on people to pray, trust and help lift my burdens.

I just wanted to say thanks to West. God used her to do a mighty miracle in my life.  My wife and four children thank you. They have a new daddy and husband now. I pray your reward is great on Earth and in Heaven.

In Christ Alone,
~Coy

If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. For additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

If you are having suicidal thoughts or feeling very low and depressed, download TheHopeLine's free eBook.

Lessons From A College Graduate: Tips on How To Make The Most of Your College Experience

I’d rather do what’s hard and find joy and purpose, then do what’s easy and become miserable and discontent.  I made a decision to study English and Writing, and a career in writing puts you in a tough market.  It took me about a year to do something that relates to my degree.

Now, I’m an editor for blogs, articles, podcasts, and much more! I am thankful for my occupation.  I work while experiencing chronic pain in my bones and muscles. I tend to push through the pain to finish each day. I went through this same pain while I was in college. While enrolled in college, I dealt with chronic pain, depression, sleeplessness, and other issues. I remember a time when I walked into the dean’s office with doctor notes and papers in my hand. I begged for in-completes to finish school.

Sometimes, I did not finish classes until the semester after final grades were posted (due to leniency from my academic college). I worked on assignments from previous semesters while others were enjoying the break. I went through many dark seasons. I remember when I saw a school counselor, a Christian counselor, and met with a professor once a week for support.

Although school has always been difficult for me, the rewarding experiences made every struggle worth it. I made friendships with people that I am still in contact with. I became a resident assistant and I planned creative programs for students on campus. I joined different clubs and activities. I became the president of a spoken word organization. I had many hilarious and thought-provoking conversations in the cafeteria. I wouldn’t trade my college experience for anything.

The good, the bad, and the ugly taught me about a life beyond grades or a textbook. I learned that life is the ultimate test, and you study it through trial and error, ups and downs, and refusing to crumble. When I was in high school, I wanted to drop out. When I was in college, I had moments where I wanted to quit but I didn’t quit. I kept going.

After having my fair share of triumphs and trials, I have a few words of advice to encourage anyone who has a desire to go to college or is tempted to quit in the process.

Here are my 11 tips on how to make the most of your college experience:

1. Don’t worry too much over what degree you pick. The most important thing is that you have a degree. Give it some thought, discover who you are, and create a plan. You don’t have to be a perfectionist. If you’re meant to do something in life, God will point you in the direction to achieve it. Nothing can stop the will of God (not even the degree you choose). I’ve had interviews for jobs that don’t relate to my degree at all. As long as you are living with purpose, provision will seek you. Finishing is most important because most employers want to know that you can start something and finish it.
2. Don’t be afraid to reach out for support. There are so many people who want to help you in college. If you humble yourself, professors will be more willing to cut you some slack. If it wasn’t for grace from some professors (and God), I wouldn’t have graduated. You can live with uncommon favor.
3. If you want to find a friend, you have to be a friend. I was a transfer student so I found it difficult to meet new people. Once I became a resident assistant and joined an organization, everything fell into place. You can’t be afraid to go out and try new things!
4. You’re going to make a lot of mistakes. Accept it. You’re going to fall down and things will sometimes look like they aren’t going to get any better. The truth is, things will get better. The most important thing is to not let your mistakes define you. Mistakes are meant to refine you if you learn from them. You’re only human. Be gentle with yourself.
5. Network! Find an internship. Try to look for a job BEFORE you graduate. It will save you the headache.
6. Pay attention to advisement. Go to you advisor. Trust me. If you don’t like your advisor, try to get a new one. If you don’t go, you might end up like me, pulling your hair out because you had to take 5 writing classes in your last semester! That was way too many at one time and I was scared I wouldn’t graduate!
7. Be Healthy. If you’re unhealthy (spiritually/emotionally/ physically), everything else will fall apart. Your health is a gift. Take advantage of all of your resources on campus! The gym, a counselor, or a trainer can help you. It’s much harder to get into shape after college because those amenities will cost you a lot more and you will have less time to invest in those sort of commitments. Be grateful for it now.
8. Be present as much as you can. Try not to let the future overwhelm you. Everything will be alright. It may not work out how you thought it would. However, it will work out. Continue to do your best.
9. Avoid debt at all costs. Try to save in college or before you even enter college if you can.
10. You may not get your ideal job and live your dream as soon as you graduate. College is a process and life after graduation is a process. Don’t feel like there is something wrong with you and don’t be discouraged if it takes you a long time to find the right job. There’s nothing wrong with you. It took me a year to find a job that related to my degree. The best things in life take time to develop. Remember, the right job is on its way. It may not come when you want it too, but if you have faith and stay the course, it will come. Be patient!
11. Lastly, you are an overcomer. If you are battling some type of sickness or emotional pain in school, it will make you stronger. You are capable of graduating because God is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that you dare to ask or imagine according to His power that is working on the inside of you.

I graduated from Kennesaw State University.  I studied Literature and Professional Writing and received a Bachelor of Science in Integrative Studies.  Me, being someone who struggled in school since the time I was a kid, graduated on the Dean’s list! I remember experiencing abuse in the classroom.  I remember times in grade school when my teacher wanted to hold me back because my reading level was too low. I remember times in college when I was in so much pain that I couldn’t even lift my body off the floor! Yet, I finished because I am an overcomer, and you are too!

I’ve accomplished many things in life because of God’s grace and favor. God’s grace brought me through this far and it is God’s love that has made me an overcomer.

The bottom line is this: “Fall seven times and stand up eight.” It’s not about how many times you fall down in life. Get back up. Your future is bright if you refuse to give up. Don’t stress out too much about the destination (your graduation date) - the most important treasure you have is the special experiences you create along the way. You’ll laugh at your best memories and your worst memories will make a fighter out of you. Every moment will serve its purpose and you’ll be grateful for each lesson you learn.

So, let go, smile, and enjoy the ride because the journey you’re on is worth it!

Cynthia Giles is a spoken word artist, published writer, and speaker with a heart to make a difference in her lifetime. She is passionate about inspiring people all over the world through the arts!  She believes It only takes 1 voice to change a life. If you change a life, you change a community. If you change a community, you change the world.  Cynthia has been on a radio program broadcasting in several countries (93.3 FM and 91.5 FM).  She has spoken to nearly 1,000 high school students, opened up for an Emmy Award-winning journalist, and spoken at a Writer’s Conference with an Author’s Guild and so much more.  To learn more about Cynthia or see more of her spoken word, visit her at: cynthiasinspirations.com

Koriander's Story

Hi.  I'm writing from Brazil, I want to tell my story as a thank you to everyone who helped me along the way, including myself.  I used to cut myself in the arms when I was a teenager...for years. One day, my friend beg me to stop, so at first I did it for her, then for myself.

Now, years later, it is almost my birthday again and as a gift for me, I wanted to help a stranger, maybe someone who going through the same thing as I did. So I was looking for forums to share my testimony and found TheHopeLine. I admire your work and I'm very happy that people like you exist.

Just want to tell others that when you're think you're alone in life, you're not!

Maybe there's a person in another country thinking the same thing as you, so, I know it's hard, but you can do it, you will survive! And maybe years later from now you'll be the grateful person talking about how you are now fine...with scars, but fine.

Thank you.
~Koriander

Related Posts:
A Door of Hope
Why Do People Self-Harm?
Real Story: Artist Michaela Hatfield
How To Quit Cutting

Ari's Story

I started cutting when I was 11. My scars faded away over the years because I hadn't really cut deep enough to leave any big scars.  It's gotten worse though. I'm now 16, and I've felt the urge to cut even more. More. More. More. Break-ups, family issues, school issues and just... everyday sadness is what drives me to do so.  I know there are others but I felt like there was no one else to turn to...not even my own mother, or anyone in my family. I even thought about committing suicide a few times....only tried once though.

To be honest, I feel like such a coward, that was...until I found TheHopeLine.com.

They've helped me realize that there are people out there that actually do care. I'm glad I gave them a chance.
~Ari

There is help for self-harm. Whether you reach out to a friend, chat with TheHopeLine, or start by downloading our free eBook: