Posts by TheHopeLine Team

Hope Deferred Makes the Heart Sick

You want it so much.  You desire it so much.  Others have it.  Why can't you?  You aren't asking for much, are you?  You just want what so many other people have.  They take it for granted!  You don't!  You treasure it!  It is priceless!  It is precious to you!

But it is not yours.  No matter how much you pray for it, you can't have it.  No matter how much you work for it, you can't achieve it.  No matter how much you value it, you can't take it home and make it be yours.

We Feel Your Pain.

It makes your heart sick!  I mean sick.  Discouragement.  Despair.  Absence of any joy.  Nothing gives you pleasure.  Nothing gives you joy.  A friend trying to get your mind off your pain can put a smile on your face only as long as they sustain the effort.  As soon as they depart, the gloom washes quickly back into your soul.

Some call it depression.  Others call it grief.  Still others may call it envy, the green-eyed monster.  Whatever it is called, it is your experience now. We understand.  Been there, done that.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

The first part of this verse resonates with us.  Hope deferred does make the heart sick. The second part is hard to imagine.

What? Should I keep on longing and maybe someday it will be fulfilled? I can't do it anymore! I can't! The old reservoir of hope tank is running on fumes!

We need to understand God sees things differently than we do.  He teaches.  He guides.  He even lovingly disciplines.  The thing we are hoping for just might not be what is good for us.

Really? Seriously? I can't have it?

God: No! I know what is better for you! 

Ah, come on!!!!! I want it so much!!!!!

God: I know. I know. But I have something better for you! 

What is that? What could possibly be better than what I hope for?

God: Me! 

What?

Yes, me! I am the God of all creation. I can give you everything you need. I can fulfill your every need. Whatever you desire in the core of your being, I can deliver it better than anything or anyone else. I want you to long for me! I want you to want me. If you long for me, you will be fulfilled! Anything else you think you want will pale in comparison to what I deliver. 

The irony is this, if we actually get the thing we hope for so much, it will be disappointing.  It satisfies for a moment, but then the thrill is gone.  We then search for something else to hope for and the process starts over again.

Or, we can long for God and He will be the tree of life for us!

- Charles Wagner, founder of Gramazin.  Gramazin is a place for people to share their stories of hope and overcoming adversity. On gramazin.com you can see someone put into words how you might be feeling, read about someone else's solutions for their issues which might apply to what you are going through, and energize yourself to keep striving to make a difference in people's lives.

If you are struggling with depression, no matter the cause, to find out more and get help, check out our free eBook on Depression!

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Dating Advice for Single Moms

Dating Advice for Single Moms

Last time I wrote about how becoming a single mother meant having your entire life flipped upside-down. You've been handed a challenging combination of emotions and responsibilities, and now you've got to figure out how to manage. It is no doubt overwhelming, and certainly something you can't do on your own. Single moms need friendship, long for meaningful companionship, and can easily be frustrated and impatient with not having someone to share the responsibilities.
As a single mom it is very likely you will want to date sooner than later. The question is, when is the right time?

The question is, when is the right time?

DATING

A single mom called into my show to talk about dating and here is what I told her.

Dating is a challenging situation under the best of circumstances. The wrong kind of relationship can suck the life right out of you. The potential is very high for a single mother to become focused on her loneliness and try to find a boyfriend just to fill that loneliness.  So she gets caught up in the need for a man or settles for someone unhealthy. Like I told the caller, a relationship may help, but it won't heal.

Too often a single mom is so desperate to have a man in her life that the relationship moves way too quickly.
Ashley wrote: "I thought that I needed a boyfriend to make me happy. But what I needed was to focus on being a mother to my kids and working to take care of all the responsibilities of our family. This meant sacrificing a lot for what I THOUGHT I needed, but instead receiving so much more from my life."

Here are some helpful questions for you to ask yourself about a potential boyfriend

  • Does he contribute to your strength and peace?
  • Does he help you to be a better mother?
  • Is he a distraction?
  • Does he suck the life out of you?

You have to be very cautious about whom you date, and even more cautious about when the boyfriend is allowed to come into the life of your children.  Too often a single mom is so desperate to have a man in their life that things move way too quickly. Even the very valid motivation of having a dad" for their kids again is NOT a good reason to move too fast.  Not only is mom hurt when the relationship doesn't last, but so is the child.

It is very important for a single mom to protect herself from being isolated, but this does not mean jumping into a dating relationship.

Sharon said: "Our children should not meet our 'dating partners' unless they are becoming a serious potential 'marriage partner.'  They have already had to let go of the absent parent being an active part of their lives, they should not have to 'let go' again by getting attached to a dating partner with whom the relationship later ends, causing another loss to our child."

Some experts say it's not a good idea to bring your boyfriend around until it looks like you might be getting married. This prevents a lot of heartache and pain,
and protects your children from experiencing a "revolving door" of different boyfriends in their home.

It is very important for a single mom to protect herself from being isolated. It will only leave her locked in her own emotions without any fresh perspectives. Friendships with other moms can help provide this fresh perspective and support. I know moms who take turns watching each others' children in order to give one another a break or who plan playdates to combat the isolation. I also want to strongly encourage you to use TheHopeLine, so you aren't facing these confusing emotions and struggles alone. TheHopeLine has also created a resource page with Bible verses to encourage you. Remember, HopeCoaches are available 24/7 via phone or chat. You are not alone.

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Sexual Assault

I was raped while taking the garbage out, right outside of my own house. I never saw who, but I'm hoping he will be caught soon.

I came to TheHopeLine because I was feeling alone and overwhelmed with everything.  Despite the support from my family and friends, I felt like I needed more.

So we talked for a while and I was given many resources which I will be taking, and then I was shown how God can help me heal.

Tonight, I found God. I know he will always be there for me, and I also know that TheHopeLine will be too.

So a HUGE thank you to the lady who helped me tonight, whoever you are.  You've helped push me in the right direction and I'll forever be grateful.

Thank you, 
Jade

If you or someone you know has been affected by sexual violence, it's not your fault. You are not alone. Help is available 24/7 through the National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE and online.rainn.org.

Are you concerned about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)? Learn more about it by downloading your free eBook.

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Are You Depressed? Steps toward healing

Depression is a common illness that we often hear about, yet ironically, we usually have difficulty recognizing it, particularly in ourselves. Therefore, oftentimes too many people living with depression don't seek proper treatment. However, by arming ourselves with the facts about the illness, we can learn to distinguish it from a simple case of the blues, understand the symptoms and underlying causes, and therefore seek effective treatment. Remember, depression is common, more than just feeling down and most importantly, depression is treatable!

Depression is common

Depression is a common, yet serious, illness that affects 20 million Americans each year. If you or someone you know is depressed, you are not alone. At least one person in ten will have depression at least once in his or her life. Depression in its various forms (anxiety, stress, insomnia, fatigue, vague aches and pains, etc.) is one of the most common problems seen by doctors.

Women experience depression at a rate that is nearly twice that of men. The reasons may include things like hormonal changes, coping with multiple responsibilities, persistent negative thinking and low self-esteem, genetic reasons, medication side effects or situational reasons. Many women are also particularly vulnerable after the birth of a baby. The hormonal and physical changes, as well as the added responsibility of a new life, can be factors that lead to postpartum depression in some women. While transient "blues" are common in new mothers, a full-blown depressive episode is not a normal occurrence and requires active intervention.

Although men are less likely to suffer from depression than women, 6 million men in the United States are affected by the illness. In fact, the rate of suicide in men is four times that of women (though more women attempt it). Depression may be more difficult to recognize in men, because instead of feeling hopeless and helpless, men will exhibit irritability, anger and discouragement. Men often mask their depression with alcohol, drugs or by the socially acceptable habit of working excessively long hours.

Additionally, men are less likely to admit to depression and doctors are less likely to suspect it. Even if a man realizes that he is depressed, he may be less willing than a woman to seek help. Encouragement and support from concerned family members can make a difference.

Depression is not just feeling down

Depression is a mood disorder that causes you to feel sad or hopeless for an extended period of time. It is important to know the difference in clinical depression and having the blues. Depression is an illness that robs one of the meanings of life.

Depression is not about being weak, and it is not about just feeling low or having a few bad days. A depressive disorder is an illness that involves the body, mood and thoughts. It affects the way a person eats and sleeps, the way one feels about oneself and the way one thinks about things. A depressive disorder is not the same as a passing blue mood. It is not a sign of personal weakness or a condition that can be willed or wished away. People with a depressive illness cannot merely "pull themselves together" and get better. Many people with depression produce a higher-than-normal level of the stress hormone, cortisol. Cortisol suppresses the immune system.

People with poor health may run from doctor to doctor putting out one fire after another when the underlying cause may be depression.

Depression affects the length and quality of life. It is the #1 cause of alcoholism, drug abuse and other addictions. Depression can be an all-pervasive emotional-mental-physical source of misery. It can affect all aspects of a person's life impairing the ability to sleep, eat, work and get along with others. It damages our self-esteem, self-confidence and our ability to accomplish everyday tasks. Depression is not just feeling down; it puts a dark, gloomy cloud over how we see the world, our future and ourselves. The cloud cannot be willed away, nor can we ignore it and have it magically disappeared.

There is also a link between stress and depression. There is a complex relationship among stressful situations, our mind and body's reaction to stress and the onset of clinical depression. It is clear that some people develop depression after a stressful event in their lives, death of a loved one, the loss of a job or the end of a relationship. Stress can also occur as the result of a more positive event such as getting married, moving to a new city or starting a new job. It is not uncommon for either positive or negative events to become a crisis that precedes the development of clinical depression. Depression can be seasonal as well as situational with some finding the dreariness of winter months particularly tough. This is called SAD - Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Core signs and symptoms common with depression:

  • Feeling empty, lonely and isolated
  • Feeling hopeless or worthless
  • Lacking an interest in activities
  • Feeling mentally and physically tired
  • Finding it difficult to make decisions
  • Experiencing physical pain that does not respond to treatment

If you experience any of these distressing symptoms for more than two weeks, you should contact your doctor. And you should seek help immediately if you feel overwhelmed by depression and suicidal thoughts.

Depression is treatable

If you're wondering "Can you control depression, or does it just take over your life?", there's good news: depression is treatable! Many people with depression lead happy, full lives. Sadly, most people do not recognize this, and the symptoms of depression can keep someone from seeking treatment. Depression is nothing to be ashamed of: it is an illness that, without treatment, can last for weeks, months or years. Appropriate treatment, however, can help most people who suffer from depression.

Psychotherapy is a common type of counseling that mostly involves taking a natural process. There is no brainwashing.

Prescription antidepressant medications simply restore the brain's natural levels of certain naturally produced neurotransmitters. You don't feel antidepressant medications in the way you feel other mood-altering drugs such as alcohol, tranquilizers or amphetamines. The improvements experienced with antidepressants seem to come from re-establishing natural levels of certain neurotransmitters produced by the brain.

Support groups are an excellent place to share experiences, suggestions, information, and, obviously, support. Perhaps the most important knowledge to be gained from support groups is that you are not alone. People often benefit by gathering with others going through similar experiences. Those who are healing from depression are no exception. There are also specialized support groups for people dealing with bipolar depression, depression related to PTSD, and more. No matter what you're going through, there are plenty of ways to find community and support.

Four ways you can begin the healing process:

  1. Talk to your doctor
  2. Learn more about depression
  3. Be gentle with yourself, be patient with yourself, give yourself time to heal
  4. Take small steps such as walking - the fresh air and exercise will be super!

This Guest Blog is written by Susan Gillpatrick, MEd, LPC, CTS with Centerstone (a not-for-profit organization with a wide range of mental health and addiction services for people of all ages.)

How are you feeling? - Take a mental health screening from Centerstone here.

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Sexual Abuse: Talleha's Story [Video]

Here is Talleha's story:

Talleha had been sexually abused and as a result, was depressed and ready to kill herself...then she found TheHopeLine with Dawson McAllister and found help and hope.
Talleha's Story - YouTube


More Stories of Abuse Survivors:
Abbie's Story of Sexual Abuse
How Patrick Found Hope


1 in 4 girls are sexually abused by the age of 18

1 in 6 boys are sexually abused by the age of 18

90% of child sexual abuse victims know the perpetrator in some way

68% are abused by a family member

If you see any signs of abuse in someone you know, or if you yourself are abused get help right away. The Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline is a 24-hour hotline with resources to aid in every child abuse situation. All calls are anonymous and confidential.  Call 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) for help.

If you have been sexually abused or are a survivor of sexual abuse TheHopeLine® has an eBook for you.

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God Forgives

I had a struggle for a long time but at the very moment I'm typing this I know I'm free in Jesus Name.

Before, I always thought that God was getting tired of forgiving me because I always fail him and I would always do that sin over and over again. It's a kind of sexual sin, I'm still a virgin but I did this pillow sexual fantasy thing. I asked God so many times to give me chance but I always failed, I always fell into temptation.

One time I was so anxious because I fell to it again, I know God forgives but sometimes I feel like I don't deserve any of it, so I decided to search for a Christian counseling or line. I haven't told anyone about my struggle until I joined here at TheHopeLine.com.  There was a HopeCoach who talked to me right away, I confessed everything about that sexual sin. I'm glad they don't judge people who are seeking help. I was reminded that God's love and forgiveness for us never fails, even if we fail so many times.

Right now, I will pray harder and I will always have that verse with me -Philippians 4:6-8 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things."

So whenever the enemy tries to attack my weakness I can overcome in Jesus Name!  I'm blessed that I found this site, it really helps a lot.

I hope that like me, whenever you have a struggle like this I hope you will always think that God loves us and forgives us. I'm starting my new life today, forgetting all those bad things and look forward to God's best plan for me.

God bless everyone!
-Alexandra


Related Posts:
What Is Forgiveness?
7 Things I Learned About Prayer
What Happens When You Don't Forgive


If you have something you are struggling with and want a place free of judgment to get help, please chat with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine. 

Forgiveness can release you from the insane grip of the past.  For more information on how to forgive and why it’s so important for you to forgive, download TheHopeLine’s free eBook.

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On the Edge of Ending My Life

The first person I spoke to was very friendly and was able to talk with me for as long as I needed, the second person I talked to was just as helpful, both experiences helped me get this heavy orb off of my chest. I thought that when I wasn't speaking with my best friend about something like this that I would crash and end my life but I learned that as long as the HopeLine is here, I will continue to live with Hope!

-Takia

If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. For additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

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Suicide

All my life, I've never good enough for anyone. My half-brother raped me and made me sleep with him.

When everything is going wrong, I can talk to someone HERE at TheHopeLine and I don't feel alone.

I've tried to kill myself three times in the past six months but TheHopeLine has helped me. Thank you for everything.  Thank you for giving me hope again!

-Indira

If you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide, please:

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6 Steps to Change Your Life

How to Change Your Life: The Courage, the Risks, and the Rewards

Life can be difficult and uncertain, especially when faced with the prospect of change.  Although change is often the key that will positively alter the path of our lives, we shy away from it for fear of leaving behind our comfort zones and entering into the unknown. This fear robs us of our freedom to make the life choices that can bridge the gap between where we are and where we want to be.

It may take courage to move from the known to the unknown, but the price of growth is a sacrifice of certainty.

Six Steps to Making Any Needed Change in Your Life:

 

1. Be Honest

  • Identify excuses
    You may be unhappy in a number of areas of your life but complaining about it does not change affect change. Are you just skillfully playing the victim role?  If you have chosen to stay stuck due to fear, then the change you need is not going to appear on its own.  Be honest with yourself. Identify the excuses and rationale that have been keeping you in your life as is.
  • Take responsibility
    Only you can change you.  Motivation must come from within. Take responsibility and closely look at what part of your life has kept you imprisoned from your own potential.  Don't blame your own refusal to make changes based on external things. When you do this, you give overall responsibility to things you cannot control. For example, I would have realized more of my potential, but no one was ever interested in mentoring me.

2. Accept Risks

  • Understand everything is risky
    Change is a fact of life and participating in change means stepping into the unknown. It means taking a risk. Wouldn't life be boring if we always knew outcomes before actions?  The riskiest step is always the first. But with every step in the right direction, your courage muscles get stronger.
  • Realize risk leads to growth
    Growth always involves risk, and risk always involves fear.  Unfortunately, some people wait for an ironclad guarantee that everything will work out exactly right until all risk is removed and they stagnate where they are.  Don't wait on the sidelines while the world passes you by.

3. Focus Priorities

  • Value your needs
    Many busy women (and men) spend all their time, effort and energy meeting the needs of other people.  Remember to place value on your own needs too. Without a focused priority, you may become molded by your environment, and that will foster a stagnate life.
  • Value your time
    Do not play the when-then game.  Don't tell yourself, When the children are grown, I'll take some time for myself.  Or, When I feel like I can make a difference, I will look for a new job.  Sometimes we wait our whole lives for a when that never comes.  Value time and do not assume you have until forever to take a risk and make a change that can excel your life in new directions.

4. Renew

  • Evolve rather than age
    Worrying about growing older is a waste of time.  Celebrate the knowledge that aging brings insight and personal growth that is only intensified through life experience. Instead of aging, evolve. Evolving changes your focus from fearing a loss to celebrating an accomplishment. What you have learned throughout your life can enlighten current and future generations. Having an evolving attitude inspires authority to renew yourself and make whatever changes will lead you to that renewal.
  • Connect rather than wait
    Connect with others and connect to a larger perspective.  Aging can bring worries about health and fears of loneliness and isolation.  Connection brings strength when we feel we are weak.  Positive relationships encourage and bring courage to make new and better decisions throughout any life transition.

5. Face Your Fears

  • Act before crisis
    At its simplest and most benign, fear is an internal warning cry that danger is nearby, and we had better do something about it.  Many times, it takes a warning cry like a marriage failure or a worrisome medical diagnosis to realize we need to make changes.  Do not wait for a crisis to occur to have an awakening about the quality and value of your life.  Begin making changes now, and you will be more prepared once any crisis has occurred.
  • Do not let comfort control
    Move past the comfort of fears.  Fears are familiar and therefore mislead us into thinking they are just a part of who you are.  We ruminate over them, fearing they will control us and causing us to live our lives in a state of self-preservation.  While life cannot be a 24-hour thrill ride, you deserve more than just contentment.  Expand your comfort zone and allow yourself the opportunity for awareness and inspiration.

6. Imagine

  • Imagine the worst
    What, specifically are you fearful about?  Name it.  Say it out loud.  Then ask yourself, what is the worst thing that could happen if I take this risk?  Even if you run smack into a wall on your way to making a life change, then at least you will have gained some insight and knowledge.   You may even find this knowledge gives you the courage to tackle more risks. No matter what the scenario, you will have gained the power and influence to decide your own response.
  • Imagine the best
    Imagine how your life will be different and better once you initiate change in your life.  Anticipate the joy, the excitement, and the empowerment that comes from being a leader in your own life.  Begin with small steps, but take action. There are no microwave miracles in successful life changes. It may take some time to see results. The only instant change is in attitude. You'll finally be in charge of the direction and outcome of your life.  Imagine the best, then live it!

Make a positive change in your life starting today.

 

Life can be really, stinkin' hard sometimes. That's why Dawson wrote the blog, "How Can I Find Hope?" It's a quick read and it may just change your life.

Susan Gillpatrick is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Certified Trauma Specialist, Certified Workplace Conflict Mediator, and Mental Health Service Provider in the state of Tennessee and a National Certified Counselor.  She is Centerstone's Crisis Management Specialist, she primarily works in the field with clients in critical incident response situations, and in Centerstone's wellness trainings and presentations.

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